Musical Expressions Reflected
by Drea Leigh
Summary: Rewrite of "Songs About Me" Rachel Roth was a normal teenager except for her father's abuse. She has kept it a secret for so long. She didn't think anyone would believe her. Would having friends change that? Would her new friends discover her secret? If they did, would they be able to save her before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1: Fine Line

**Chapter 1: Fine Line**

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 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans or Little Big Town**

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 **"Completely… / … getting by"-Fine Line, Little Big Town**

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What would it be like to be part of a happy, normal family? Was there such …

A loud crash followed by a string of curse words came from the second floor.

…a thing?

A teenage girl stood frozen in the kitchen. She listened as she tried to calm her breathing. No one was coming, at least not yet. It didn't sound as though his mood had improved from last night. She'd hoped to do more before he was awake.

Indigo eyes caught a glance of the microwave clock. The glowing numbers showed it was a quarter to six in the morning. The owner of those blue eyes sighed. That's an ungodly time to go to school but she knew she couldn't stay here. Not now, not while he's in this mood. As if to prove her thoughts, a deep male voice growled as someone came down the stairs. She knew she had to get out of there. She didn't want another fight.

Once outside, the petite, dark-clad figure hurried across the back yard. After making sure no one saw her, she cut through the neighbor's yard. Walking along the neighboring street, she kicked a pebble and sighed. She thought about sneaking out. Her father probably wasn't upset that she wasn't there. He didn't care what she did as long as he didn't think she made him look bad. She hoped by the time she got home from school, his mood was improved.

Turning the corner, she checked her watch and sighed again. School was a few blocks away but it was still too early to go there. Everyone might think she a loser but she didn't have to act like one by showing up at school two hours early. What could she do for an hour and a half? Not much was open at this time of day. Not that she wanted to be around people anyway.

So, she did what she usually did. In need of peace and quiet, she went to a park that's along the way. So early in the morning, this park is empty. The teen had her pick of swings. Choosing one, she pulled a book, a sleeve of toaster pastries and my worn-out, mp3 player out of her backpack. This was nothing new to her. She started hanging out in the empty park last year. She knew she had to be careful but no one bothered her; she was often ignored. The girl's been alone ever since she lost her mother. The solitude didn't bother her. By now, she was used to it.

Today was like any other day, especially after one of their "arguments". She hated nights like last night. Her father called them arguments but they're were turning into fights. Fights the girl couldn't win. She didn't think it mattered what she did. She was always wrong; a screw up in her father's eyes.

Last night, they fought about the cost of school, the books and supplies. Money is no object for her father. He has no problem buying things for himself. It's only when she, his daughter, needs something is there a problem.

She rubbed the crook of her arm where her father grabbed her. It's still tender but she didn't think it'd bruise too badly. Until they moved to Jump City, he never hurt her physically. She didn't know why but that's changed.

Sitting in a park eating breakfast, she thought about her thoughts as she left the house. She sighed, She didn't think there was such a thing as a happy, normal family. Someone was always mad at someone. Someone always got hurt. Why did it have to be her? Gathering her long dark hair and pulling it up into her hood, she continued her breakfast. The park, as usual, was empty except for a lone hooded figure.

The quiet didn't last too long. A group of four high school boys came to the park. Three of them were bullying the forth one. No one noticed her, as usual. The teen tried to ignore them and kept reading. She tried not to listen, but she couldn't help hearing their demeaning taunts. For a little while, she watched them. She thought she recognized the bullied teen. She'd seen him around school. He might have been in some of her classes last year. When she heard the blond boy try to joke his way out of the situation, she knew he was Garfield Logan.

He's the class clown; always joking. The bullies were getting rougher. The hooded girl looked around the park. She wasn't sure what to do. She couldn't sit there and watch this kid get hurt. She knew what her mother would want her to do; she'd want her to help. The girl thought, 'I've stood up to my father, sort of.' She winced; her shoulder still hurt from the last time she "stood up" to him. 'There's a chance that between this Logan kid and me we can scare them off.' She put her stuff back in her bag and hoped her baggy sweatshirt and jeans would hide her thin form. She went over to them with her hood still up.

"Hey," she called out, trying to make her voice sound as tough as possible. "Leave him alone."

Everyone turned and looked at her. One of the guys went up to her and said, "What's a scrawny kid like you gonna do?" He shoved her, causing her hood to fall back. Long black hair fell around her shoulders.

'Damn,' she thought, 'now what?'

"What do we have here?" the guy said. "Did your girlfriend come to help you?"

Gar said, "She's not my girlfriend."

'Thanks a lot. I'm trying to help you and you still insult me.'

"Then, maybe, she came to play?" the guy sneered at her. "What do ya say, Sunshine, wanna have some fun?"

"Wow, you are original," she groaned.

"Shut up."

The second guy whined, "But she's that creepy, loser girl."

"So," the first guy said leering, "that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun. We're not gonna do much, just feel some things. You're okay with that right, Sunshine?" Before she could move, he grabbed her elbow.

Gar yelled, "Let her go! She has nothing to do with this!"

"Ow! Let go of me!" She struggled to get free but his grip was tight. Although it wasn't as tight as her father's grip. He had a hold of her in the same spot her father did last night. She knew he was making her bruise worse. She tried to push him away. He grabbed the wrist of her free arm. She repeated, "Let go of me!"

"Yo!" A deep male voice said. "You heard the girl! Let her go!"

Everyone turned to the source of the voice. Two teenaged boys came towards them. One was of average height and had an athletic build. He had black spiky hair. He was wearing sunglasses. The other, the source of the voice, was a tall African-American teen. He was very athletic. Both teens looked angry.

The taller teen repeated, "Let her go! Or do I have to make you?"

The guy holding the girl decided they couldn't win a fight against those two. He let go and shoved her to the ground. He and his two friends ran away.

The two teens that came to her aid, ran over to her. The very tall, very athletic one leaned over her. He offered the dark-haired teen a hand. He said, "Are you ok?"

She accepted his help and shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, sure."

Gar ran over to them. By now, a teenage girl was now with them. The girl with very long red hair asked, "Are you sure? They did not hurt you?"

Brushing off her jeans she said, "I'm fine." She's suffered worse from her father.

Gar said, "Thanks for helping. Sorry you almost got hurt." She shrugged and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.

She picked up her stepped on bag and pulled out a damaged mp3 player. Her shoulders dropped. Great! She'd have to try to fix this one again or somehow buy a new one. To get the money she guessed she could skip lunch for a few weeks. Or she could baby-sit for the ever-bickering twins. She sighed, 'Maybe I should go without mus …'

"Oh sorry," Gar interrupted her thoughts, "want me to replace it since it got broken 'cause you were helping me."

"What? Uh, no, I, I have others," she lied.

"Hello," said the red headed girl. "You are Rachel, correct, Rachel Roth? My name is Kori Anders. Garfield or, Gar Logan is who you tried to help." Gar waved sheepishly to Rachel.

The guy with black hair said, "I'm Richard Grayson. You sure you're alright?"

"Yes."

"I'm Victor Stone. You can call me Vic," said the athletic teen. "Want me to check your wrist; he had a pretty tight grip on you."

Rachel said in a monotone voice, "I'm fine. I should get to school."

Vic asked, "Need a ride?"

Excited, Kori said, "Yes, that way we could talk and get to know one another more. We could become better friends."

Rachel looked at each of them.

Richard said, "You're not worried we'll hurt you, are you? We helped you. Let us give you a ride to school."

"Thanks," said a monotonous Rachel, "I'll walk." She tossed her bag over her shoulder and headed towards school. The four remaining teens stood confused as they watched Rachel walk away.

With hurt feelings, Kori said, "Why does she not wish to be our friend? I want everyone to be friends. We mean her no harm."

"Yeah," said Gar as he scratched his head, "what's her problem? We only want to give her a ride to school."

Richard shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I guess she's used to being alone."

Vic kept watching Rachel as long as he could. He shook his head. "The girl's hurting. It'll take awhile for her to open up." Everyone agreed. Their thoughts were on Rachel as they went to school. They had all heard the rumors about what Rachel went through at school. They knew she's bullied. They knew what that was like. During different times in their lives, they've each gone through some degree of bullying.

Approaching the school, Rachel eyed the two-story brick building and all the students. She noticed her "friends" from the park have arrived. An excited Kori waved to Rachel. Rachel didn't return the wave; instead, she crossed her arms. She rolled her eyes, 'Great. Second week of school and things are turning out to be wonderful. It's going to be a long year.' She let out a drawn out sigh as she joined the masses entering the school.

Rachel's day continued like any other day. She was taunted and avoided teachers and her tormentors. She avoided her teachers as much as possible. She didn't know what or if they suspect anything about her home life. She was afraid if anyone reported it to the officials; her life would be a living hell. That's why it's better to be alone; no one would know her secret.

But today she was also trying to avoid her new "friends". At least one of they seemed to be everywhere she was. They weren't following but her it seemed that way to Rachel. She was noticing them more. Rachel knew who they were. She knew they were popular; or that was, more popular than she was. There weren't many who were less popular than Rachel. 'Why would they want to be my friends? It must be a trick or a dare,' thought Rachel. She continued her day trying to go unnoticed.

When Rachel got home, she goes home to an empty house. Either her father was working late or he was having dinner with a client. Rachel had a very simple supper. She's not a good cook and she relied on microwave food. Nothing was in the freezer, so she had a peanut butter sandwich. Rachel made her plain meal as her father was having a steak dinner with a client.

Not knowing what type of mood her father would be in; Rachel decided to finish her homework in her room. There she could lock the door and be safe. While reading, she heard her father come home. She heard. him open a bottle of campaign. From the sound of things downstairs, the dinner meeting went well.


	2. Chapter 2:Field of Innocence

**Chapter 2: Field of Innocence**

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 **Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics.**

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 **"I still .../ ...at all" -Field of Innocence, Evanescence**

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The next morning the sun shined through Rachel's window. Needing more sleep, she pulled her blanket over her head. She knew it was a mistake to stay up so late reading last night.

Just as she was dozing off, there was a knock on her door. Rachel groaned to herself. What did he want? If she stayed quiet would he think she was asleep and leave her alone?

There was another knock. "Rachel, you need to get up. You don't want to be late for school, do you? That wouldn't be good for your second week of school."

Under the blanket, Rachel groaned again as she rolled her eyes. He doesn't care about school. What was going on? Why is he acting like a model parent?

"Rach? You awake?"

"Yes, I'm awake. I'll be down in a few minutes."

Did she just hear her father say he'd have breakfast ready? Rachel threw back the blanket and she stared at the ceiling. 'What's going on? He must be in a good mood. He's paying attention to me and I'm not his punching bag.'

Getting out of bed, Rachel remembered when she was a happy little girl. She smiled as she remembered when her lighthearted laughter filled the house. Back then, her biggest worry was if she could watch her favorite cartoon.

The teen's smile faded. Things weren't like that now. Now things were a mess. 'How and why did every go to hell?'

Standing in front of her floor-length mirror, Rachel's eyes automatically traveled to the bruise on her elbow. That guy yesterday did make the bruise worse. It was now different shades of purple.

Skimming the rest of her reflection, a slight grin formed on her lips. Rachel didn't like how her body looked but she liked the contrast between her long dark hair and her pale complexion. That combination, along with her affinity for dark clothes often got her the labels goth or emo.

She didn't care one way or another about those labels. Rachel knew everyone needed to fit into a category, a group. However, having those labels didn't put her into either of those groups. Instead, she was a loaner. Rachel often thought it was strange that no matter how many people were labeled as loaner, each one was still alone.

Her father called up the stairs, interrupting her thoughts. Shit. She's wasted too much time. Rachel called out that she'd be down in a minute as she quickly threw on some clothes.

This morning was going better than yesterday. She didn't want to mess it up by being late. Before running downstairs, Rachel made sure her do was locked. She didn't have anything "illegal" in her room. She just didn't want her father in her room, going through her stuff.

Entering the kitchen, Rachel stopped in the doorway. She was amazed. Her father made a huge breakfast: pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, toast and coffee.

The last time they'd had a breakfast like that was, well, never. They didn't even have this much food for Christmas. It was just the two of them. They didn't need that much. 'What are we going to do with all this food?'

"Good morning, Rach. Sit and have some breakfast." Trigon Roth said as he finished the eggs.

He was cheerful, almost too cheerful. What was going on? Rachel was a little suspicious of his good mood. She hated fighting but a part of her feared something was about to happen. She never knew when he'd snap or what would set him off.

"Thanks but, um, I should leave now if I'm going to get to school early."

"Don't worry, I'll take you. Sit and tell me about school. I know I've been busy and haven't asked you about things yet."

Rachel glanced at the door. She wanted to leave but didn't want to start a fight. Dropping her backpack by the back door, she went to the table.

Trigon placed a plate of food in front of his daughter. "So, Rach," he said as he got a plate for himself, "tell me about school."

Rachel looked at her father with slight narrowed eyes. She's glad he didn't notice but she couldn't help herself. She hated that nickname and he knew it. "Well, there's not much to say. I go to classes, get homework and come home." Rachel took a tentative bite of eggs. They were good.

"Aren't you a junior? Shouldn't you be in clubs or something?"

He didn't even know what grade his own daughter was in. Rachel thought he knew nothing about her. After eating a few bites, Rachel said, "Dad, I'm a sophomore and I don't do clubs."

"Then what about friends? Do you have any new friends? You haven't had anybody over for a while."

She's never had anyone over since they moved to Jump City and that was about two years ago. Before that, she didn't have friends over. That was because she hasn't had friends for years. Even if Rachel had friends, she couldn't have them over because her father could explode at any time. But what do he care.

Rachel felt that her father was mocking her and that brought out her sarcasm. "Oh yeah, I have so many friends. I'll probably be homecoming queen this year. That's how popular I am." Rachel cringed. Oh shit. That came out wrong. Please don't explode. Please don't explode. Please don't …

"I don't know about popular but I can see you're a smartass." Trigon picked up the paper and began reading it.

Rachel slowly let out the breath she was holding. That was it. He wasn't going to do or say anything more about it. He's going to let it drop.

Relieved, she didn't want another fight. Her mind drifted back to when the physical abuse started. He'd always called her names, belittled her. When Rachel was younger, she didn't understand emotional and verbal abuse. She knew she felt bad but she didn't realize that was abuse. She thought you had to be hit to be abused. Her father never physically hurt her, until that one day. She must have been about thirteen …

 _…I sat in the kitchen of our old house. I was alone and glad for that. I was scared …and confused. Dad just hit me. It was more of a slap than a hit and it wasn't very hard. But it still hurts._

 _I tenderly pressed a napkin to my split lip. It stung. I hated seeing my blood on the napkin._

 _When dad came back into the kitchen, I stiffened. I didn't want him knowing I was hurt and scared. A part of me was afraid of what he'd do. I quickly crumpled the napkin and hide it under my leg. I wasn't fast enough. Even without seeing the napkin, he could see my split lip._

 _"Oh hell, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You don't know how hard it is to do this without your mother. Sometimes you make me so angry. You wouldn't stop asking questions. I told you to stop but you wouldn't. I no choice, I had to make you stop asking all those questions."_

 _He knelt in front of me. "But you forgive me, right? After all, I said I was sorry. You have to forgive me because I apologized and it wasn't my fault. Don't you forgive me? "_

 _I was terrified. He was getting angry. I was also so confused. If it wasn't his fault then whose fault was it? Was it my fault that my father slapped me? Was it because I asked too many questions?_

 _He made it seem like I should apologize, not him. It felt wrong to apologize for getting hurt but I didn't want to make him angry again. I was scared of what he'd do this time. There was no way for me to win. I had to forgive him._

 _"I, I forgive you." My voice sounded small and distant._

 _He sighed and gave me a hug. He didn't notice how I flinched. "I knew you would. I promise this won't happen again." Before he left the room, dad said softly, "Just don't make me angry."_

 _Again, I was alone. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that happened. I couldn't believe that happened to me. He'd yelled at me, but never hit me. He thought it was hard without mom. Try growing up without a mom. Try growing up without a mom and with a father who might hate you._

 _Scared and confused, I quietly cried …_

…Brought back to the present, Rachel sighed. How did her life get so messed up?

Trigon looked over the paper, at his daughter. "What the hell are you wearing? If it wasn't for your long hair, no one would know you're a girl. Are you a lesbian?"

Rachel almost chokes on her bite of food. "What?"

"Well, look at you. Nobody can even tell you're a girl. Do you like girls, you know, in that way?"

She couldn't believe they were having this conversation. "No, I like boys. They just don't …like …me." Her voice trailed off.

"They might notice you if you stopped dressing like a damn boy." He put down the paper to look Rachel in the eye. "When or if you ever are with a boy, don't get pregnant."

Oh my God! Rachel's stunned. Where did that come from? They were having a nice breakfast and now he acted like she was the school slut. "Oh my God! I have to go. I, I have to get to school."

"Fine. Let's go." Trigon got up and grabbed the car keys.

Rachel looked around the kitchen. It was still a mess. Who was going to clean it.

As if he could read his daughter's mind, Trigon said, "Don't worry about it. The house keeper will clean it. If she doesn't, then I expect you to do it after school. You're not busy. Didn't you say you aren't in any clubs. Come on, didn't you say you had to get to school."

Rachel's shoulders dropped. She realized somewhere along the morning, she made a mistake. Or was this left over from their fight the other night. She signed as she followed her father.

The car ride with quiet. They were each lost in their own thoughts. Rachel studied her father as he drove. He was handsome, in his mid forties. His red hair was edged with white along his temples. He had a distinguished look. She knew he attracted looks from women but wondered why he never dated. If he did, she didn't know about it. Did he not what to date because he loved Rachel's mother so much?

Out of the corner of his eye, Trigon noticed his daughter watching him. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing. Sorry." Rachel turned to look out the window. In the process, she rolled her eyes slightly.

Trigon noticed that. He grabbed her arm. "Damn it, girl, you better not be thinking up a plan to make me look bad." His calm façade quickly faded.

Rachel squirmed. "Dad. Dad! Stop, you're hurting me. Drop me off here. There's just a block to go. Go to work. You're happiest there. I promise I'm not planning anything. I was just thinking …about mom."

Trigon glared at her but decided she's telling the truth. He pulled the SUV to the curb. "Fine. Remember, don't make me angry." He shoved Rachel as she got out.

As he pulled away, Rachel wondered if he thought his life would be better without her being a burden.


	3. Chapter 3: Welcome to My Life

**Disclaimer: There is no way I could own the Titans, Simple Plan or any lyrics.**

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 **Chapter 3-Welcome to My Life**

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 **"Are you …? / … my life"-Welcome to My Life, Simple Plan**

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Rachel made her way through the swarm of students to get to her locker. She looked around after dumping some things in her locker and grabbing some books. Everyone was meeting up with his or her friends. Irritated, Rachel slammed her locker shut. She glares with annoyance at the people she passed as she went to class.

Once Rachel got to her English class, she sat in the back corner by the window. As she watched everyone teaming up, she thought, How did everyone know everyone else? That could be because she didn't talk to anyone. What was the point? Nobody wanted to hear what she had to say. Rachel didn't care. She didn't care about them. She overheard some of the kids talking about her. Rachel grabbed her notebook out of her backpack. Rachel started to doddle. They'd talk about Rachel but never to her. Whatever. She didn't need friends. She didn't believe in friendship. It was useless. The teacher, Mr. Silas, entered the room. Everyone took his or her seat.

As class began, Rachel continued to draw. She half-heartedly paid attention. Her thoughts were on breakfast that morning. Why was her father in such a good mood? Was it because work was going so well? He wasn't exactly a happy person and since Rachel's mom was gone it was much worse. Maybe he met someone. Did he have a girlfriend? If he did, maybe he wouldn't bother Rachel as much. Maybe …

Suddenly, a high-pitched voice said, "Mr. Silas, Rachel's not paying attention."

Rachel looked up surprised. She turned to her right. The source of the voice was Nikki Stanley. She was a cheerleader and one of Kitten Moth's closest friends. Kitten was one of the most popular, bitchiest girls in school. Kitten and Rachel had a mutual hatred for each other. That was a problem for Rachel. If Kitten didn't like someone or something, then her clique didn't like them or it.

Rachel looked over, confused and annoyed. She said in a loud whisper, "What are you doing?"

Nikki said, in a sing-song-y voice, "I'm getting you in trouble."

Angry, Rachel hissed, "You're not paying attention either if you're watching what I'm doing."

Mr. Silas came over to her desk. He stood there wearing a disappointed expression. "Miss Roth, do you know what I'm discussing this morning?"

Rachel started to blush. "Um, I'm sorry, no sir, I don't know."

Mr. Silas said, "So, Miss Roth, what is so important that you can't pay attention to my class? What are you doing, writing a note to your boyfriend?"

The whole class laughed at that idea. Rachel turned a deep shade of red. A mixture of embarrassment and anger caused her to stammer. "Um, no sir, uh, I'm sorry. I …"

"Never mind," said the annoyed teacher, "I want you to move to the front of the class. That way I'll see if you're paying attention to my class."

Fuming, Rachel threw her notebook and book into her bag. She thought about storming out of the class but that wouldn't solve anything. Not only would she get in more trouble but she'd have to face her father's wrath. That was something Rachel avoided whenever possible.

Rachel glared at Nikki as she went to the desk in the front of the class. She dropped into her seat and pulled her hands into the sleeves of her sweatshirt. With her hands clenched in anger, Rachel stared at the desk. Her long black hair fell around her, shielding her from the class. Occasionally, someone snickered but class continued.

Rachel wanted class over. Making her sit at the front didn't fix anything. So enraged, Rachel didn't focus on the class. Instead, her focus was on her anger. When the bell finally rang, she was the first one out the door.

Fuming, Rachel punches a locker. That caused people to look her direction. Great. Something else to add to the list that Rachel thought made her a freak. Relax, calm down. She didn't want them to know how angry she was. Rachel had to remind herself that showing emotions was wrong.

When Rachel entered her biology class, she was surprised to see Gar talking to Wally West. Gar's wasn't supposed to be in her class. Was he following her? It didn't matter. Ignoring them, Rachel went to her seat. She pulled out her biology book and flipped through it.

Gar came over to her but she continued to ignore him. She focused on the textbook. After standing there in silence for a minute or two, Gar said, "Uh, hey Rach." She glared up at him. Gar took a step back but continued, "Um, I just wanted to, uh, thank you for helping me yesterday."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Sure, fine, whatever. It's not like I did anything."

Gar sat down at the desk next to Rachel. He played nervously with the strings of his hoodie. "You did help. You distracted them. You kept them from beating the crap out of me. I'm only sorry you got hurt."

"I didn't get hurt."

Wally came over and heard the last part. "Who got hurt?"

"Nobody." Rachel was irritated.

"Okay, but Rachel was almost hurt."

"What happened?"

"Oh dude, I forgot to tell you." Gar was suddenly excited. "Yesterday some of the Hive 'gang' were trying to get even for the prank I played on them."

Laughing, Wally said, "One of these days, those pranks are gonna get you killed. So what does she have to do with this?"

"Dude, my pranks are awesome. They're legendary. So anyway, yesterday she tried to help me. She appeared like a dark angel, coming to help me."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Do you know how stupid you sound? What are you doing in this class anyway? You weren't here the other day."

Gar sighed as though he had a great hardship. "There was a mix up with my schedule. They messed up Kori's too. We were scheduled for advanced geometry." Gar dramatically gripped his head. He whined, "Dudes it was awful. It was like living in a nightmare. You have no idea how horrible it was, all those shapes and numbers."

Wally began to laugh hysterically. Rachel shook her head in disbelief. She couldn't believe she risked her safety for this kid. He was ridiculous.

Gar continued, "So, our schedules got changed around. That's why I'm here. But now I have to learn where my classes are again."

Rachel turns back to her biology book while the boys continued talking. 'Ignore them. Talking to me was just a fluke. It means nothing. I need to focus on school. It doesn't matter what dad said this morning, it's better if I don't have friends.' Gar tried to talk to Rachel some more before class started but she ignored him.

After class, while rummaging through his backpack, Gar asked, "So, um, Rachel, would you like to have lunch with us …sometime." His voice trailed off. He looked around the room. "Dude, where'd she go?" Wally pointed to the door. They watched her leave. "I didn't even hear her leave."

As they walked to the cafeteria, Wally said, "She's too quiet. I think she's kinda creepy."

Considering that, Gar agreed. "Yeah, but I think she could be kinda cute if she tried."

"Oooh, you like her."

"Which girl does Gar like?" asked Kori, coming up to their table.

Wally laughed. He liked giving his friend a hard time. "He likes that dark-haired, creepy girl."

"Oh," Kori's green eyes grew large, "you mean he likes Rachel?"

"Who likes Rachel?" asked Richard.

Kori's smile widened seeing Richard. "Gar likes Rachel. Wally just said so."

"You mean Gar likes the girl with long dark hair from yesterday?" asked Vic.

"Auggh!" frustrated, Gar tugged at his hair, "I don't like her. I like Terra."

Vic looked over Gar's head. "Oh, hi Terra." Vic waved to someone behind Gar. Gar spun around, ready to explain but no one was there. "Sorry, man, I was just messin' with ya. But what's this about Rachel?"

After glaring at his friend, Gar said, "I talked with her before class."

"Rachel talked to you?" asked Kori with awe in her voice.

"Yeah, I know, she doesn't talk to anybody. We were kinda talkin' about what happened yesterday."

Kori was confused. "Then why did Wally say you like her? If all you did was talk with her that does not mean you like her."

Wally leaned over the table to tell Kori, "He said he thought she was cute."

Everyone turned to Gar. Kori's eyes sparked with the idea of match making. Uncomfortable, Gar looked around the table at his friends. "No, I didn't, well, um. I uh ,I mean, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant I thought she could be cute. Ya know, like, if she'd smile or laugh and didn't always hide behind her long hair. And wouldn't it be pretty cool if I could do that. Make her laugh, I mean. But that doesn't mean I like her, like her."

Vic laughed, "Man, have you heard some of your jokes?" Everyone at the table laughed. Gar crossed his arms. He tried to glare at them but ended up laughing with them.

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While Gar's friends were giving him a hard time, Rachel sat in the student lounge. Even though, this area of school was an option to have lunch, most kids didn't. That didn't bother Rachel. She was glad to be alone. She didn't know why Gar and Wally talked to her but she knew it wasn't likely to happen again.

She sighed as she pulled from her bag a baggie of pretzels and her copy Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West. It was her fifth or sixth time to read the book. After reading for a few minutes, and voice interrupted Rachel. "Hi, can I sit at your table?"

Rachel looked up from her book and saw a girl with short curly dark hair standing next to her table. Glancing around, Rachel saw eight other tables that were empty. "Um …" Before Rachel could say anything else, the girl sat down.

"Hi, I'm new here. Just moved from Ohio. My name is Halie Suzann Rita-Marie Daily. You can call me any combination of my name. I'll answer to anything. My personal favorite is Halie Daily, because it rhymes. But like I said, I'll answer to anything. My dad calls me Suzie. So, what's your name?"

Rachel glared at Halie. Why was this girl bothering her? "Rachel," she finally said flatly and turned back to her book.

"Ooo, I love that name. There are so many ways to spell it. How do you spell your name? You know, if you spell it R-A-C-H-E-A-L and you take out some letters. Then you're 'real'. Get it? Take out the A-C-H and leave off the …"

Rachel sighed, "I get it and I'm not 'real'. Besides, what does it matter how I spell my name."

"It's doesn't. I just think it's neat."

"Why are you sitting here? Can't you sit at another table?"

"I can't."

Rachel sighed again, "And why not? They're empty."

"There are other people sitting there." Halie was deadly serious.

Rachel looked around at the empty tables, then back at Halie. Irritated, she rolled her eyes. No one was leaving her alone. She tried to read but Halie talked non stop.

"So, are you new here too?"

Rachel slammed her book closed. She couldn't read anymore. "No. Why?"

"Well, I question why you're wearing a sweatshirt. I'm thinking if you just moved from someplace cold, you'd still have cold weather clothes. Because it's pretty warm here, even though it's September. So, it's either that or …maybe …"

"It's because I'm always cold." Rachel could sense Halie wasn't going to drop the subject. Rachel had to tell her something because she didn't want her guessing the real reason for her sweatshirt.

Rachel groaned and dropped her head down into the table. Her answer started Halie on the subject of strange family medical conditions. Oh God, this girl was never going to shut up, was she? Why was Rachel lucky enough for this girl to find her? When would lunch to be over? Never in her life has Rachel looked forward to P.E. Don't let this Halie or Suzie be in that class.

When Rachel went to gym class, she was lucky; no Halie. Once again, Rachel conveniently forgot her gym clothes. She did what ever she could so she wouldn't have to participate. She hated sports; both watching and playing them. First of all, she didn't think she's coordinated enough to do sports. But most of all, Rachel was afraid someone would see the bruises. The bruises her father made.

Rachel's history class was uneventful. At first, she was surprised to see Kori enter the classroom. Rachel held her breath. Would the joyful teen come over and talk to her? She was relieved when Kori gave Rachel a slight wave before taking a seat towards the front of the class. That's when Rachel remembered Gar saying how their schedules were messed up.

When the final bell rang, Rachel was slightly glad. There's was only two more days until the weekend. She'd be glad to be away from all the irritating students. But two days at home, if things went wrong, could be hell.

Rachel walked home alone, as usual. When she entered the kitchen her shoulders dropped. It was still a mess. The house keeper didn't clean it. Rachel was angry. Now she'd have to clean it before Trigon got home.

Rachel suddenly had a realization. Today wass Wednesday. The house keeper didn't come on Wednesdays and Trigon knew that. He did this on purpose. He made this mess so Rachel'd have to clean it. If she didn't do it then that gave him a reason to get mad and hit her.

She yelled into the empty room, "Auggh! I really hate him!"

She had a little over three hours to completely clean the kitchen. Rachel hoped that would be enough time to clean the mess. The teen looked around the room trying to decide where to start. She sighed, "Well, I might as well have some fun while I do this." She turned on the radio. She found a local rock station and turned up the volume. As she tackled the dried eggs and pancake batter, those were like cement, she sang along with the songs.

Almost three hours later, Rachel was done washing all the dishes and pans. They stove, oven and floor were now clean. She didn't know how her father made such a mess. With everything washed, dried and put away, Rachel looked around the kitchen. It looked as it should. Before leaving the room, she turned off the radio.

Grabbing her backpack, Rachel went up to her room. She was so tired she forgot to lock her door. Exhausted, she flopped down on her bed. With her hair splayed out on her bed, Rachel just laid there with her eyes closed. Being still felt good.

Suddenly, Rachel sat up. "The radio. I forgot to change the radio. He'll be home any second."

Relieved she didn't lock her door, Rachel raced down to the kitchen. When she turned on the radio, rock music blared out of it. Quickly she turned it down the turned it to the station her father had it on. She made it just in time.

The phone rang just as Rachel turned off the radio. She jumped. After taking a second to calm her nerves, Rachel answered the phone. It was her father.

"I'll be home late. You'll have to fend for yourself tonight, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll be alright." That was alright with Rachel. She wasn't in the mood to spend the evening with her father anyway.

Before hanging up, Trigon had another question. "Did the house keeper clean the kitchen?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. She knew that he knew the house keeper wouldn't be a the house today. "Don't worry, it's clean."

After hanging up the phone, Rachel grabbed her dinner, a apple and a bottled water. She went up to her room. This time she didn't forget to lock her door. She put her light dinner in her backpack. Taking her bag to her window, she opened the window as far as it would go. Rachel put her backpack outside the window. She climbed onto the sill. Once again, she was thankful for the porch roof being outside her window. Rachel carefully climbed out onto the porch roof with her bag. She sat on the roof with her back against the house.

Rachel sighed. She was alone at last.

The sun was setting and the light breeze played with her long hair. Rachel watched the sky turn to night. Once it was too dark to see anything Rachel closed her eyes. The peace and quiet had a calming effect on the indigo eyed girl.

If anybody watched her, they might think she was asleep. That wasn't the case. Rachel wasn't asleep. She was trying to keep her emotions in check. She wanted to suppress the anger, annoyance and irritation of the day. She also had sadness and rejection that she didn't want to feel. Those negative emotions, she had to keep them suppressed. Bad things could happen if she let herself react to them.

Happiness and love were things Rachel often felt. Hope was also included in the emotions she tried to suppress. It didn't matter how much she might need them, she couldn't let them surface. As far as Rachel was concerned, her emotions just caused trouble and messed things up. They caused trouble for her.

The best thing she could do, the best way to protect herself was to hide all of her emotions.

Rachel sat like that for a few hours, until she heard Trigon's SUV in the driveway. She grabbed her backpack with the untouched apple and water. She quietly climbed back into her room and shut her window just in time.

Trigon knocked on her door. "Was everything alright tonight?" He asked through the closed door.

"Yeah, there were no problems. I'm finishing some homework. I'll go to bed soon." Hearing him walk away, Rachel lets out a sigh of relief. Stifling a yawn, she decided to go to bed. She could finish things in the morning.

As Rachel drifted off to sleep, she realized Trigon never said anything about the kitchen. Guess it was too much to say it looked good. Who would bother her tomorrow? How would Rachel be tormented? She was so tired of trying to avoid everything.


	4. Chapter 4: Thoughtless

**Chapter: 4 Thoughtless**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans, Evanescence or Korn these lyrics (or anything else for that matter).**

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 **" _Why are_ ...? / … _screaming_ "-Thoughtless, Evanescence (a Korn cover)**

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The next week or so, things continued the same for Rachel. She still had trouble with Kitten's friends and Halie followed her. That girl talked constantly.

One day, Rachel was frustrated with her "friend". If Rachel didn't know any better, she'd think Kitten was using Halie to torment her. "Why do you have to follow me? Don't you have anyone else to bother? If I'm the one you choose to be your only friend, then you're really pathetic."

Undaunted by Rachel, Hailey said, "Oh, I have others friends. I'm following you because I want to see you do something." Confused ,Rachel stared at her. Halie looked around the make sure no one was listening. She continued in a whisper, "I want to see you walk through walls."

"What?" Rachel was very confused. What was this girl talking about?

Halie explained, "I saw something about people who are part human and part alien." She stopped to think. "Or was that part angel, or part vampire? I think it was part alien. I don't know, I can't remember." Halie waved away her confusing thoughts. "But it doesn't really matter. Anyway, there are partial humans who have the incredible ability to walk through walls. You fit the description perfectly. You're very pale and have long dark hair. Although, you should have white streaks. Add the fact that you're moody all the time." Rachel rolled her eyes. "And you don't talk to many people. You are very mysterious and secretive. I know you're trying to hide the fact that you can walk through walls. You know what? You also remind me of Solaria, the spirit princess from Space Wars."

Rachel glared at Halie after that lengthy explanation. "I walk through walls, nothing else."

Halie laughed, "That's okay. I promise I'll keep your secret."

Frustrated, Rachel groaned, "Why won't you go away? You said you have other friends, right? Go eat lunch with them."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I promised my mom I'd hang out with you. When I told her about you, she felt sorry for you. She told me I have to be your friend since you don't have any."

Rachel didn't want this girl or her mother feeling sorry for her. It was so humiliating. She had to say or do something to make this girl leave her alone. "I, um, I have …friends. I'm just not hanging out with them …right now."

Rachel sighed, realizing how lame that sounded. She wasn't doing herself any favors. What was she going to do? That's when Rachel noticed Vic and Gar joining Kori and Richard. She had an idea and hoped it would work. Rachel nodded towards the four teens. "They're my friends but …"

Halie gasped, interrupting her. "They are your friends? Wow. I'm new here but even I know they're pretty popular. I'm kinda surprised all of you are friends."

Rachel held her breath, hoping Halie wasn't seeing through her story. If she did, Rachel knew she'd never get free from Halie.

"Ooh, I see, you're the strange one of the group. Every group has one. You're the 'basket case' like in The Breakfast Club."

Rachel rolled her eyes and growled to herself, 'I'm the strange one? Halie is completely crazy. If I don't lose her soon I'll go insane. God, I hope this works.'

When Rachel walked up to the four friends they stopped talking. The teens all looked at one another. "Hi," was all Rachel said as she stood there and they wondered what she wanted.

Gar was the first to speak, "Hey, Rachel, what's up?"

After taking a deep breath, Rachel said, "Um-sorry-about-before-maybe-we-could-all-have-lunch-or-something-anything-to-get-me-away-from-Halie." She gasped after that long strung together sentence. The others looked at her like she'd sprouted wings and a unicorn horn. Rachel tried again, this time a little slower, "Lunch, all of us, maybe, please."

The others broke into a smile. Gar thought Rachel was mad at him for bothering her before biology class last week; she's ignored him every since.

Rachel looked over to Halie. See? She had friends. Halie smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She went to join her friends. Seeing that Halie was gone, Rachel said, "So, about lunch, maybe we could do it next week or something."

"What?" said Gar, "I thought you said we'd have lunch today."

Rachel shrugged, "I changed my mind."

"Please, Rachel, have lunch with us," Kori clasped her hands in front of her. "We could discuss our history class and maybe …"

Rachel interrupted the red headed girl, "Sorry, I have other things to do." She turned to walk away.

"Are you going to be with your 'friends'?" asked Richard. Rachel stopped in her tracks. "You brought up lunch. It was your ideas. Why don't we just have lunch today? It's just lunch, nothing serious."

Rachel looked at them suspiciously. What if it was a trick?

As if he's reading her mind, Gar said, "You think we'd trick you? You know I know what it's like being bullied. I wouldn't do that to someone else. I hope someday we can be friends."

Kori agreed. "Yes, we only wish for friendship. We are hoping you will have lunch with us."

Rachel crossed her arms, "I don't need any more friends."

Everyone looked uncomfortable. They looked at one another, trying to decide who should tell Rachel what she already knew, she didn't have any friends. Richard cleared his throat, "Uh, Rachel, we've kind of noticed you, um you don't, er, um … you're, um …"

Angry, Rachel said, "What? I'm a loser, a loaner, pathetic?" She thought of herself in those terms but it hurt and made her angry that others did too.

Vic said, "We're just worried about you. We've heard and seen how others treat you. That's just not right."

Why should he, they be so concerned? The whole situation was irritating her. It's obvious they weren't going to let this drop so she said, "Fine. If I eat lunch with you today, will you promise to leave me alone after this?" Everyone nodded yes. Rachel muttered to herself, "I'll probably live to regret this." To the others, she said, "Okay, I'll do it."

Smiling, Gar said, "What'd ya say?"

Rachel glared at him, "You heard me."

Vic said, "Nope, didn't quite hear ya. Would ya mind repeatin' your answer?"

With a clenched smile, Rachel sighed and said, "I said fine, I'll have lunch with you. Today. Only. Then you'll leave me alone."

Kori clapped her hands. "Wonderful!" She grabbed Rachel in a bear hug.

Rachel's surprised by Kori's strength. The girl didn't look like she'd be as strong as a weightlifter. She struggled to get free. Gasping to breathe, Rachel tried to speak, "Kori-stop-breathe-need-air."

Seeing that Rachel's face was turning red then blue, Vic said, "Hey, Kor, ease up. Let the girl get some air." Kori let go of Rachel.

Gasping for air, Rachel said, "Now I know how it feels to be attached by a boa constrictor." To Vic, she asked, "Is Kori always this, um, enthusiastic about lunch?"

Vic chuckled, "Kori's enthusiastic about life. Her emotions are sometimes intense. She wears her heart on her sleeve. You defiantly know what she's feeling."

Rachel wasn't sure if she could be around Kori at all. The girls were complete opposites. Rachel was thinking about that as they walked down the hall. Laughing, Kori grabbed Rachel's hand and pulled her to the cafeteria. The guys followed.

When Rachel sat at their table, everyone in the cafeteria stopped to look at them. Kori shook her red head and said, "Ignore them. They can be such goober brains. You will sit with us again, will you not?"

"Whoa, I said I would have lunch with you guys once," said Rachel as she shook her head. "I only agreed to this lunch."

"Well-l-l, I was kind of hoping if you liked us, you would join us again and often."

Rachel glared at them before rolling her eyes. "I don't know. I don't think this is a reoccurring thing."

"Please."

Rachel looked around the cafeteria. A few people were still looking their way and whispering. "I don't know. Enjoy today, this one time."

They talked some about their classes. They discovered that Richard and Rachel were both taking French. Their classes were at different times but agreed If one of them needed help, the other one might be able to help.

For the most part, they talked about school, friends and things outside of school. Since Rachel didn't have anything to add, she just listened. Besides, the others did enough talking so there wasn't gaps of silence.

Gar was explaining one of his video games when a girl with a head full of bouncy, blonde curls came up to their table. With a disgusted tone, she said, "What is she doing here?"

Richard sighed, showing his irritation. "Go away, Kitten."

"But Richie-poo, she doesn't belong with people like us. She might be okay for some of the others." Kitten waved her hand at the rest of the table. Was she hinting that Richard's friends weren't good enough for her? "We are important. She's just a loser. Why'd you let a loser sit at your table?" whined Kitten.

Before anyone else could say anything, Rachel said in a bored tone, "If they'd wanted a real loser, they would've already asked you to sit with them."

"Richard, are you going to let her speak to me like that?"

"Kitten, go away. We went on one date. I'm not your boyfriend. I don't have to defend you and I'm not going to do that. Not that you need defending. You started it by coming over here."

Kitten was shocked. How could Richard take someone like Rachel's side. No one spoke to her like Rachel did, at least not to her face. The blonde's mouth hung open with disbelief.

"Careful, Kitten, you might want to close your mouth," said a monotone Rachel. You're going to let all that hot air that's in your head. If your head deflates then that would make for a bad hair day. Wouldn't it be the end of the world if you had a bad hair day?" Everyone at their table laughed.

Kitten turned to storm off but ran right into an unsuspecting student. "Watch! Where! You're! Going!" Kitten yelled at the guy. The whole cafeteria laughed. Rachel was relieved that she wasn't the reason for everyone's laughter.

Rachel had P.E. after lunch. She was about to sneak away when she heard her name. "Roth, where do you think you're going?" Rachel grimaced before she turned around to face Coach Evans, her P.E. teacher. She opened her mouth to speak but he stopped her. "I hope you're going to class. I've made sure you have gym clothes. And you look well enough, except for your sour expression. You are participating today. No excuses." He handed Rachel gym clothes and sneakers then turned to the girls' locker room. He stood next to the door, waiting for Rachel to go through the doorway. "I'll expect to see you ready for class in five minutes."

As Rachel went into the locker room, she glowered at him. He was one of the reasons why she hated this class. Coach Evans hadn't done anything specifically to make Rachel hate him and his class. It's just that he was all about sports and she hated sports.

Rachel wrinkled her nose as she entered the room. It smelled like sweat. Another reason to hate gym class. Everyone stopped talking and stared at her. She took her things to a quiet corner. Sighing, Rachel changed into sweatpants, t-shirt and sweatshirt. She was tying her shoe when Kitten walked up to Rachel, "So, Little Miss Freak is going to do something normal? Something the rest of us have to do? What have we done to deserve this honor?" Rachel rolled her eyes as she walked past her. Kitten grabbed Rachel's arms. "Speak to me when and only when I want you to."

Rachel simply said, "This isn't my choice. Believe me, the less I see of you the better." She pulled her arm free and reluctantly went to join the class.

Kitten was angry. "How dare that freak be rude to me? I'll show her not to make me angry." An idea came to her. She knew how to put Rachel in her place. Kitten left the locker room with an evil grin on her face.

In class, while everyone was more or less playing flag football, Rachel stood on the sidelines. Even when she was picked, she stood off to the side on the field. She had no interest in participating but no one cared.

Class had about fifteen minutes left when Nikki ran up Coach Evans. From where Rachel stood, she couldn't hear what Nikki had to say but she noticed the annoying girl glanced between her and Kitten. Rachel was curious. What were they up to?

Coach Evans nodded his head and Nikki walked back to the school. Kitten and her friends clustered together. Occasionally, someone looked her direction and laughed. That peaked Rachel's curiosity but she wouldn't let them know that. She crossed her arms and glared at everyone.

With a sickening- sweet sing-songy voice, Kitten called out, "Coach Evans, could the girls go in early. It's so hot out here. We need the extra time to get decent for our next class. Please."

The coach thought about it for a moment. Kitten fluttered her eyelashes. He checked his watch and sighed, "Okay, the girls can go in. Guys, why don't you run a couple laps before going in."

Kitten flashed a thousand-watt smile. "Thanks, Coach Evans, you're the best." Kitten and her friends headed back to school giggling. Rachel's suspicious of them.

Kitten and her friends waited until everyone else left the locker room to corner Rachel. "Leave me alone," growled Rachel.

"Ha, stupid freak," said Kitten, "Think I'm just gonna give you a pass, let you go without any consequences for that little speech you made at lunch?" Kitten paced back and forth in front Rachel. "You need to learn a lesson. You do what I say. I'm in control here. I rule this school. And you are nothing. You are nothing but a stupid, creepy freak."

"Fine. You're the queen or whatever. Just leave me alone." Rachel sounded more annoyed than afraid.

Kitten stopped pacing. "Hmm, queen you say? I like that." Kitten stood proud and flipped her curls. "I'm your queen. Wouldn't that make you one of my subjects?"

"What are you talking about?"

"As my subject, you should kneel before me."

"What? No way, I'm not kneeling for you."

"I really think you should. Girls."

Kitten's friends pushed down on Rachel's shoulders. Rachel growled her protests. With some effort, they finally forced Rachel to her knees. She needed to look up at Kitten to confront her. "What the hell! What do you think you're doing?"

"You said I was the queen."

"Queen of the Bitches, I guess," Rachel glowered at Kitten.

"Fine, if that's how you wanna be. I thought I could just force you into submission. But it looks like I'm gonna have to humiliate you." Rachel could feel the panic building in her. What was Kitten going to do? "Oh well, I'm kinda glad it turned out this way. Okay, Nikki, now."

Rachel couldn't see Nikki but she had a bad feeling the annoying girl was behind her.

Kitten's friends let go of Rachel. They stepped away but she didn't have time to get up.

Rachel screamed and tried to cover her head as something cold, wet and sticky was poured over her. The liquid, a soda, dripped down her hair and seeped under her collar.

"Auggh! What the hell! Damn it, Kitten! What … Why …"

Kitten and her friends laughed as Rachel pushed the liquid out of her face. They were hysterically laughing when Nikki poured more soda on Rachel.

"Who knew you were so klutzy?" said Kitten as she tried to recover from her laughter. "You should clean yourself up. And hurry, you don't wanna be late for your next class." Before exiting, Kitten turned back to Rachel. "Don't bother telling anyone about this. I'll deny it. Besides, do you really think anyone would believe you and not me? Remember, I rule this school and I can ruin you."

Kitten left Rachel sputtering and shaking with anger and from the cold liquid. She hated those girls, especially, Kitten. Rachel didn't know how to get Kitten to leave her alone.

Kitten was right about one thing, she had to clean up. She couldn't go to class like this. Her hair was dripping wet with soda. It also soaked through her clothes. She couldn't sit through class like that. She couldn't face the laughter and stares she was sure to bring.

What should she do? What could she do?

Rachel spotted the showers. Could she take a shower? Should she do that? She wondered if that was a possibility. Rachel thought about it. There were towels. She couldn't find any shampoo but she didn't need that; she just needed to rinse out her hair. If Rachel didn't need something to wash out her hair, she could use hand soap from the sinks. It wasn't the best option but it'd work for the moment. Afterwards, she could change into her gym clothes.

Knowing she'd be late for her last class, Rachel turned on the water then stripped from her sticky wet clothes. He warm water felt good. She was right, she just needed to rinse out her hair. If it wasn't so long, she could've done that in a sink. That would've been impossible, the sinks were tiny and Rachel's hair was almost to her waist.

Turning off the water, Rachel wrapped a towel around her. She didn't take too long. The shower only lasted a few minutes. If she hurried, she'd only miss a few minutes of her history class.

Rachel tried to open the door but it wouldn't open. She shook the door but nothing happened. It wouldn't open. What was she going to do? She didn't want to call for help. How would she explain why she was in the shower stall? It would be so humiliating to have someone find her like that.

Minutes passed and Rachel wondered how long it would take before someone noticed she wasn't in class. Would anyone even notice she wasn't there? She shivered, "I hate that bitch, Kitten. When will I get out of here?" She kept trying the door but it wouldn't budge. "Damn it, Kitten, what'd you do to this door?"

After what felt like hours, Rachel wondered if Kori would remember her? Kori was in her class. Maybe she'd come looking for her. Maybe, she'd …Rachel was kidding herself. Nobody was going to be looking for her. After several minutes, hours, days, it felt like forever, Rachel thought she heard a noise. Was someone coming? Should she call out? It'd be so humiliating to be found like this. Oh screw it, Rachel wanted out. She banged on the shower stall door, hoping to get someone's attention. "H-help. H-help-p!"

Someone came into the girls' locker room. A girl's voice said, "Hello is someone there?"

'Oh my God, I think it's Kori.' Rachel called out through chattering teeth, "K-k-kor-ri, is th-a-at-t you?"

Kori looked under a shower stall. She saw two white feet with black nail polish. She called out, "Rachel, is that you? What are you doing in here?"

Rachel was relieved, she was getting out. "K-kori, the d-door is s-st-tuck." Kori threw a towel over the door. Trying to get warm, she draped the other one over her shoulders.

Kori's trying to get the door to open but she's having trouble. "I cannot get it to open. I will be right back. I have to go get the guys." Rachel groaned. Soon Kori came back with Vic, Gar and Richard. She's telling them how she found Rachel.

As Vic worked on the door, Gar said, "Dude, what happened?" Rachel wondered, 'Did he just call me dude or is he talking to Vic?'

The door was finally opened. Rachel stepped out of the shower stall relieved. She stood there with towels wrapped around her and her wet hair hanging down her back. She looked uncomfortable and nervous. She said quietly, "Um, thanks for getting me out."

They started talking at the same time. They wanted to know what happened. Rachel shrugged and said, "I don't know. I guess the door got stuck."

"But why were you taking a shower?"

"I, uh, spilled soda all over me."

"How'd ya do that? Where'd ya get the soda?" wondered Gar.

"I'm a klutz, okay," Rachel wanted to change the subject. She didn't want them knowing what Kitten did to her. "Um, would you mind going? I, um, I want to get, uh, get dressed." Everyone left to give Rachel her privacy.

Going over to the locker with her clothes, she was shocked to find it open and empty. "No, no. Oh no, damn it! This is not happening. No!" Angry, she slammed the locker door shut. That caused the other to run back in. She told them her gym clothes were missing. She didn't even have her wet clothes to put back on.

Vic asked, "You're sure this is where you left them?"

Rachel snapped, "Of course. I don't participate in P.E. much but I should know where I left my clothes." She sighed. "Sorry, I'm just …I'm gonna be so late getting home. And now I can't find my clothes." Angry tears formed in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away. She couldn't let anyone see her cry.

"Don't worry, we'll help you find 'em," said Vic. The five teens searched the girls' locker room. Rachel was grateful to be the one to find her panties. Soon everything was found; except for one thing.

"I think I found it," Gar said. He was blushing. He held up a bra.

Rachel's eyes grew large with terror. Severely blushing, she snatched her bra from Gar. She muttered a quick thanks before rushing to a stall to get dressed.

Stepping out of the stall, she was dressed. Completely covered from head to toe. Checking the clock, she groaned. "I'm gonna be so late. My dad's … ugh, I can't be late again."

Hearing that Vic asked, "Wanna a ride?"

Rachel bit her bottom lip, trying to decide.

"It won't be a problem."

"Are you sure? I don't want make you go out of your way."

"Nah, it's OK, I don't mind."

"Um, OK, as long as your sure." They all went to Vic's car.

On the way to her house, she said, "Um, thanks. I mean thank you for helping me get out, finding my things and for the ride. And, uh, sorry about lunch. Maybe, if you don't mind, we could try lunch again?"

Kori clapped her hand cheerfully. "This is wonderful. I am making a new friend." Rachel gave her weak smile before getting out of the car. Walking to the door Rachel thought, 'I guess I have some friends.' She sighed. What did she get herself into.


	5. Chapter 5: Because of You

**Chapter 5: Because of You**

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 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, Kelly Clarkson or these lyrics.**

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 **"I lose … / …am afraid" -Because of You, Kelly Clarkson**

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Rachel slowly began to settle in with her new friends. She was still quite, just listening. Whenever she did speak, Rachel was careful not to share anything too personal. They might be friends but she didn't feel comfortable enough to open up to them much.

Rachel decided to never ask them personal questions. She didn't know if they noticed that or not. She didn't care. All she knew was if she didn't ask them then that decreased the chances of them asking her questions. Besides, it didn't matter. Each of them freely told Rachel about parts of their lives.

Rachel also figured, if she didn't have anything to say, why speak just to make a fool of herself. The truth was, if Rachel admitted it, she was afraid. She was afraid if she let people get close then she'd get hurt. Rachel was afraid of being hurt more than she had been.

Rachel noticed Richard seemed a little guarded. She wondered why he held things back. She doubted he had a secret like hers. He was too popular, too confident, too tough to let something like abuse happen to him. Still, Rachel wondered why she sometimes saw a hint of dark shadows cloud his features.

The quiet teen was surprised by how she felt around Richard. She's never felt that way before. Could she like him? She didn't know. Maybe she just wasn't used to his kindness. Although, Gar and Vic were also kind to her and she didn't feel the same way towards them. Vic was protective, almost like a brother. And Gar was just a goofy friend trying to make her laugh. But with Richard, he seemed to understand why she was slow to open up to them. Of course he didn't know the reason for her hesitation.

If Rachel did like Richard, could it be possible for him to like her? She didn't know. She's never before felt the beginnings of a crush. Rachel's never had boys for friends let alone a boyfriend. As she listened to her new friends, Rachel watched Richard. She wanted to smile at him but every time he looked at her she felt flustered. She felt her face getting warm. Why did she have to act like an idiot? Did Richard think she was an idiot? Did he know she might like him?

Watching Richard, Rachel was crushed when she noticed one day that he seemed focused on Kori. Kori returned the fascination. Rachel watched as they awkwardly flirted with one another. Of course, they weren't as awkward as Rachel was at flirting.

Of course, Richard would be interested in Kori and not her. Rachel was reserved and new to friendships and Kori was outgoing. There was nothing Rachel could do to complete with the redhead girl. Maybe she should be satisfied with his friendship.

* * *

One day, when their history class ended, Kori came over to Rachel. "Rachel, would you care to work with me for the paper we must write? We could go to the library. Afterwards, we could do the hanging out."

Rachel was surprised. She only sat with them at lunch and sometimes got an occasional ride home. That was the only time they hung out. "I don't know, Kori. I think I have other things to do."

Kori frowned. "We both have to work on this paper. You have to do research, do you not?" Rachel nodded. "Well, then you could ride with me to the library. We do not have to spend time together after studying, if you do not wish. Please? Say we will work together?"

Rachel sighed, "Okay, guess we can go to the library." Kori began to clap. The dark-haired teen gave Kori a look that made her stop. Instead, Kori simply had a large grin. She was finally getting a chance to get to know her new friend.

"I need to stop at my house before going to the library," continued Rachel. "I didn't think I'd be going there today and need to get a book I have to return."

As Kori drove, the redhead did most of the talking: school, movies, music and shopping. Rachel just nodded or gave one word answers. She hoped her father wasn't home. When they arrived at Rachel's house, she's relieved. Trigon wasn't there so Kori could go inside with her.

Inside, Kori looked around. "Your home is beautiful."

Rachel glanced around her home. It was beautiful. It looked like a model house, everything was in its place. Everything was perfect. Perfect, except there were no family pictures. There were some generic pictures but nothing special. There was nothing really personal about the place.

"Uh, yeah, I guess. Thanks. So, um …" Rachel wondered what to do now. What should she do? She didn't know what to do when a friend came over. Rachel was maybe eight or nine, the last time she had a friend over. She didn't know what to do. To Kori she said, "Um, want something to drink or eat?"

Not sensing Rachel's uneasiness, Kori cheerfully said, "Yes, I will have water and whatever you are going to have for a snack." Rachel grabbed two waters from the fridge. She motioned for Kori the follow her upstairs.

Unlocking her bedroom door, Rachel explained, "I keep snacks in my room. My dad doesn't like junk food." To herself, she thought, 'He doesn't seem to like anything about me.'

"Oh, I understand," said Kori. "I must keep some of my things hidden from my sister. She likes to take thinks without asking. She is such a snollygoster."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, Snollygoster?

Kori suddenly stopped, "Ooh, Rachel, your room."

"Yeah, what about it?" Rachel was defensive. They'd lived in Jump City for two or three years and Rachel's never had anyone in her room. Not even her father has been in there.

"Your room in exactly like you. It matches your personality. The color is perfect and I love the design on the wall. How did you do it?"

The walls were a medium shade of purplish-blue-grey. Depending on the light, sometimes it looked purple, blue or grey. Near her bed, Rachel had painted silvery grey swirls. All the furniture was black or dark grey. There was artwork on the walls near the desk. Candles and books were scattered around the room. The room could've/should've been considered dark and gloomy. For some reason, it didn't feel like that, it felt cozy. It had also had a mystical feel.

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "All I did was paint it."

As Rachel searched for the library book, Kori studied the wall color. "What color is this? It looks like it is purple or grey, maybe blue sometimes. How does it do that?"

"I don't know," said Rachel as she searched through the pile of books on her desk.

"How do you not know what color this is? You said you painted it, did you not?"

"Yeah, I did but the paint was a mistint. You know, it was returned to the paint store because it was the wrong color or something. Sometimes the colors are weird but they're cheep. I got a couple of paints and mixed them together. So, it doesn't have a color name. As for the swirls, I just mixed some of my own paint and did that. Depending on my mood, sometimes, I add more swirls."

Kori was excited as an idea entered her mind. "Do you think you could do something like that in my room? Would you be willing to do that? Maybe you could paint clouds on the ceiling? You could do any design you want."

"Uh, I don't know. Sure, guess I could." Rachel finally found the missing book. Her room wasn't so messy that she couldn't find one library book. The thing was she had so many books and Kori was distracting her.

Kori clapped. "This will be wonderful. We will have to decide when to do my room makeover." The redhead studied Rachel's artwork and drawings while Rachel grabbed some granola bars. "Did you do all of these?"

"Don't look at those," Rachel tried to block Kori from the drawings. "They're not that good. I don't know why I put them up."

Kori was unfazed by Rachel. "Nonsense, they are good. Do you design clothing as well?" She asked when she saw some clothing sketches.

Rachel tried to steer Kori away from the drawings. "No, not really but sometimes I alter things." She didn't want her new friend to get any ideas.

Kori grabbed the granola bar Rachel waved in front of her. "You should meet Jinni. She designs and makes a lot of her things. She is in …"

The front door slammed, interrupting Kori. "Damn it, Rachel, where are you! Why the hell is that car in my driveway!"

Rachel cringed. 'Great. I hoped we were out of here before he came home.' She motioned for a startled Kori to follow her. "Um, that's my dad and it doesn't sound like he's in a good mood. We should go." The dark-haired teen called out as they went downstairs, "Dad, we're upstairs. It's okay, the car belongs to my friend Kori."

"What! Cory? You have a boy here!"

"No, not Cory with a C; not a boy. This is Kori, Kori Anders. She's my friend from school." Rachel wished this wasn't the way one of her new friends would meet her father. If it was up to her, they'd never meet one another.

Kori gave Rachel's menacing looking father a nervous wave. "Um, hello, Mr. Roth. I am sorry if I parked in your space. I did not mean to upset you."

Trigon barely acknowledged the redhead. He glared at his daughter. "So you have people over when I'm not here, when I'm out of town?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, no I don't have anyone over. Today was the first time. We're going to the library to work on a paper. I needed to get a book. That's all. I've never had anyone over here."

"Right. Like I'd believe a lying bitch like you." He wasn't trying to hide his anger.

Rachel wished for him to calm down. She didn't know from where this was coming. She'd never given him a reason to think she's had friends over.

"You've never given me a reason to think you're telling me the truth. You're a spoiled rotten bitch."

Kori gasped and Rachel tried to act like it didn't hut her. With her fists clenched at her sides, Rachel tried to keep her voice steady. "Kori, please wait outside. I'll be out in a minute." Kori looked uncertain between the father and daughter. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to leave Rachel alone. Rachel nodded, indicating she'd be okay, so Kori went to wait by her car.

Rachel was angry about what her friend just witnessed. She kept quiet until Kori was outside. "That's not true and you know that. I'm going to go to the library with Kori. We have to do research for a paper. If you don't believe me, you can call the school. I might not be home until later tonight."

Rachel flinched when Trigon took a step towards her. He smirked at her fear. She slammed both the front and car door as she silently chided herself for showing any fear.

The two teens drove to the library in silence. As Kori pulled up to the library, and Taylor Swift song came on the radio. Listening to the song about finding true love, Rachel looked out the side window. She didn't know why her father would do something like that. Why did he say those things in front of Kori? He liked to portray the image of a perfect family but doing something like that would ruin that.

Kori's soft voice interrupted Rachel's thoughts, "I am sorry your father yelled at you like that."

Rachel sighed as she picked at her nail polish, "No, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have seen that. He was just in a bad mood. Guess he had a bad day at work. Plus, his back has been bothering him. So, there are reasons why he was angry. He's not usually like that." She left out that he was sometimes worse but she'd never let on about that.

"Where was your mom? Certainly, she would not like or let your dad talk to you like that."

Rachel wondered when this would come up; she's dreaded it. "My mom is, um, my mom is gone. It's just me and dad."

Rachel's surprised when tears formed in her friend's eye. She's further surprised by what Kori said next, "Oh, I am very sorry. I too know what it is like to lose a parent. But in my case, I lost both of them about six years ago."

For some strange reason, Rachel always assumed her new friends had perfect lives. "I, I'm sorry. I, I didn't know."

Kori gave Rachel a sad smile. "That is all right. I do not talk about it very much. It makes me too sad but I know they are watching after me. I am sure your mom is doing the same."

Rachel furrowed her brow as she gathered her books. She didn't believe that but couldn't let Kori know that. "Yeah, I guess, maybe. We should go inside and get to work."

An hour and a half later, they were done working at the library. Both girls were still thinking about Trigon's reaction. Kori didn't like that her new friend was yelled at when it wasn't her fault. That didn't seem fair. Especially, after Rachel's been bullied at school.

Rachel wished they'd left her house before her father came home. Now she had to worry about what Kori thought. More than that, she had to worry about what Kori would say and to whom she would say it. Rachel couldn't let anyone know her secret. What could she do to make Kori forget about what she saw and heard?

"Um, Rachel?" Kori interrupted the other girl's thoughts. "Did you, perhaps, want to do some shopping with me? It is not a big shopping trip. I simply need something for school. Please, say you will come with me. After that, I will give you a ride home."

Rachel considered it. Would going shopping with Kori make her father more angry? She only said she was going to the library. She didn't want him to accuse her of lying and sneaking around. Then again, she wasn't ready to see him yet. She never told him how long she'd be and Kori said it'd be a quick trip.

"Um, okay, I'll come with you but we can't take long."

* * *

Rachel reached for a notebook on a high shelf. While she didn't need another one, it didn't hurt to look.

Kori cried out, "Rachel, oh my gosh, what happened? How did you get that horrible bruise?"

Rachel quickly pulled down the hem of her sweatshirt that had risen up. What bruise was Kori talking about? Rachel looked confused at her friend.

Kori's eyes were full of concern. "You have a bad bruise on waist. What happened? It looks like it hurts so badly."

Rachel covered her side. She wished Kori hadn't seen that. She had to think of something to explain the bruise. "The other day I, um, I ran into the table."

"Why would you do that?"

"It's wasn't on purpose. It was an accident. When I got home from school, the phone was ringing. I dropped my bag by the table and ran to answer it. I forgot my bag was there and tripped over it, running into the table." Did that sound believable?

Kori still looked worried. "Oh, ow. It looks so painful."

"It's really not that bad." Kori looked uncertain. Rachel couldn't let her know the real reason for the bruise. She had to convince her friend to drop the subject. "It's the doesn't hurt that bad. You know how some bruises you can barely see but they hurt like hell. And others, like this one, look horrible but you hardly feel a thing. That's how this one is. Believe me, it hardly hurts. That's why I didn't know what you were talking about. I mean, it'll hurt if I put pressure on it But I just don't do that. Kori, it's okay. I'm okay. This is nothing. I'm just klutzy sometimes. I did something stupid, that's all."

"Are you sure you are all right? Are you sure there is nothing wrong?" asked Kori. She couldn't help thinking about how her new friend has been bullied.

"Kori, I'm fine. Nothing is wrong."

"What you said, really did happen? You are not making something up to cover up that someone hurt you?"

Panic filled Rachel, Kori couldn't know what happened. "Kori, um …"

"I mean, Kitten or her friends did not hurt you, did they?"

Rachel was relieved, Kori guessed the wrong thing. "No, Kitten and her friends didn't do this. Like I said, I was a klutz. There's nothing to worry about. Do you have what you need or do we need to keep looking?"

"Yes, I am done shopping." Kori wanted to do something nice for Rachel. She didn't like the idea of her friends getting hurt, even if it was by accident. "Um, Rachel, would you like to come over to my house for dinner tonight?"

Rachel was surprised by that request. It's been years since she'd been to somebody's house. "Are you sure it's okay? I don't want to get you in trouble because you invited me over without asking first."

Kori laughed, "My uncle will not mind. I am always inviting someone over."

Rachel dreaded going home so she accepted the invitation.

While Kori was making her purchase, Rachel thought about what she told Kori. Most of it was true. She did trip over her bag but it wasn't an accident. Trigon wasn't angry when he found it on the floor. He pushed his daughter into to table, causing the bruise. Rachel knew she had to be more careful. She couldn't let anyone find out what really happened. She knew he'd kill her if anyone knew.

Rachel looked up to find Kori looking at her. She looked concerned. "Rachel, are you sure you are all right?"

Rachel brushed away her thoughts. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about my paper." She smiled to prove nothing was wrong.

* * *

Driving to her house, Kori mentioned her sister. "If we are lucky, Cami, my sister will have plans and will not be home. She is not that nice. She is such a harpy." They were in luck, Cami's not home.

A tall, large man with hair the same color as Kori's, met them at the door. Kori gave him a hug. "Uncle Galen, this is my friend, Rachel Roth. Rachel, this is my wonderful Uncle Galen."

In her usual monotone voice, Rachel said, "Hello. I hope it's not a problem that I'm coming over, sir."

Galen chuckled as he shook his head. "Of course it's no problem. Kori's friends are always welcome."

When the three sat down for dinner, they had chicken and potatoes and a dish Rachel couldn't identify. It looked like gelatin with vegetables and hard boiled eggs in it. Kori and her uncle enjoyed the mystery dish. Rachel was thankful that she was served a small portion. As she picked at the giggling mystery food, Rachel listened to Kori and her uncle chat about their day.

Galen turned to Rachel and said, "So, Rachel, what about you? Tell me a little about yourself." His question surprised Rachel. Whenever she had a meal with her father, the meals were silent. The breakfast they had a few weeks ago, that was the first time in a long time that he paid any attention to her during a meal.

"Um, I don't know. There's not much interesting about me."

"Kori says you're new to her lunch group. Are you new to Jump City?"

Rachel shook her head, "We moved here a few years ago."

Galen tried again to get Rachel to open up to them. "What about your parents? What do they do? Have any siblings?"

Rachel quickly said, "It's just me and dad."

He asked, "What does your father do?"

"He's a CEO at Hoyt Enterprise."

"Well, that sounds important. He must be very busy," commented Kori's uncle. Rachel simply nodded, yes. She didn't agree with the way he did business. What did she know? Rachel was just a kid. HeRachel father's told her that several times.

Galen got up. He started to clear the table. "Well, Kori is right. You are a quiet one. It is a nice change from the normal prattle that goes on around here."

"Uncle?" whined Kori in a mock pout.

He rustled his niece's hair. "Of course I love your chatter, my little chinwagger." He kissed the top of her head. Kori flashed a smile.

Rachel watched them. She was a little envious of there relationship. A part of her wished she could be this open and free around people.

As the three were cleaning up the kitchen, Kori's sister Cami came home. Cami was a year older than Kori. Both sisters were beautiful, but where Kori had an innocent beauty. Cami had an exotic beauty. She had long hair like Kori's, except Cami's was black. Cami had almond shaped eyes, intense and violet.

Cami eyed Rachel with disapproval. She said, "So little sister, it looks like you brought home another stray. You've always been soft for the weak."

"Cami, that is enough," warned Galen.

Cami pouted a little, "Sorry, uncle." When Galen turned around Cami glared at the two girls.

Once Galen left the room, Cami whispered, "Kori, I don't know how you expect to become more popular if you keep hanging around losers. Oh well, that's your problem. Just don't come near me with or without your creepy little friends. Who knows what I might catch."

Rachel muttered, "It couldn't be any worse than what you might be spreading." Cami looked like she could kill Rachel.

Kori said, "Cami, if to be popular I must be a backstabbing, um, witch then I do not wish to be popular."

"Whatever. You're both freaks," said Cami before leaving the kitchen.

Soon after meeting Kori's "charming" sister, Kori drove Rachel home. "I hope Cami did not insult you too much." said Kori.

"No, I'm pretty much used to it. That doesn't mean I like hearing it, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. Thank your uncle again for the delicious meal. See you tomorrow?"

Kori smiled, "Yes, I will see you at school."

Rachel waited for Kori to drive away before entering the house. When she entered the house there was no sigh of her father. She wondered where he was. She soon found out.

He was waiting for her in the kitchen. He was drinking. "So my sweet daughter, done with the bitchy attitude?" He spat out "daughter" like it was poison.

Trying to ignore him, Rachel walked past him and muttered, "I wish mom was here."

Trigon grabbed her by her arm. He spun her around. He grasped her by her upper arms. "What was that?" Rachel shook her head. Trigon said, "I know you said something. Are you gonna tell me? Or are you too scared? Do I have to beat it out of you?"

His daughter tried to summon her courage. Taking a deep breath, Rachel said, "I said I wish mom was here. She wouldn't let you treat me like you do. She would stop you. And I-I'm not afraid of you." She hated that her voice wavered.

"So you think Angela could stop me? She wouldn't stop me. Actually, she didn't want kids. Especially not a bratty, bitch like you. You're just an accident, a mistake she couldn't fix. She should've gone though with the abortion like she wanted to. But she got too scared. My life would be better if I didn't have to look after you." He sneered at the pain that flicker in his daughter's eyes. "What did you tell your stupid little friend about me?"

Rachel shook her head. "Nothing. I didn't tell her anything. I don't tell anyone anything."

He roughly shook his daughter. "Lying bitch! I know you said something to her. That's why you suddenly got these friends. So you can turn me in." He laughed ominously, "So you're not afraid of me? Stupid little girl, you should be. If you tell anyone I will kill you." He echoed her thoughts from earlier. Frightened, Rachel struggled to get free. She kicked out at him.

Trigon slammed her hard against the wall. Her head crashed forcefully against the wall. A small cry escaped from Rachel's lips. She saw stars for a moment. Darkness was following the stars. She struggled against the darkness, but soon lost that battle.

Trigon released her. His laughter was full of hatred as she collapsed on the kitchen floor.

Rachel began to stir. She started to regain consciousness. Slowly opening her eyes, Rachel saw the house was dark. She had no idea what time it was. She started to get up. Her head was pounding. She gingerly touched the knot on the back of her head.

As she carefully got up, Rachel wondered why did he hate her so much? Standing up, her head began to spin. Rachel grabbed the wall for support. She closed her eyes and waited for the feeling to pass. She had no idea where her father was, if he was even in the house. She didn't care. She just wanted to get to her bed. Gripping walls and furniture, Rachel slowly made her way to her room. Once she made it to her bed, she passes out.

Somewhere in the distance there was knocking on a door. Rachel didn't know from where it was coming. Sometimes it was more of a pounding than a knocking. She wondered if the pounding was in her head. She felt like her brain would explode.


	6. Chapter 6: Dead Flowers

**Chapter 6 Dead Flowers**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not nor will I ever own Teen Titans, Miranda Lambert or any lyrics.**

* * *

 **"He ain't … / … dead flowers"-Dead Flowers, Miranda Lambert**

* * *

Rachel woke to pounding on her door. The pounding on the door coincided with the pounding in her head. Trigon called out, "If you want a ride to school I'm leaving in ten minutes."

She groaned her response. Even laying still, Rachel felt like the room was spinning. She knew she needed to get up. After laying there for several minutes, Rachel slowly got up. As she sat up, her window seemed to tip sideways. That movement made her stomach flip.

Rachel covered her eyes. Trying to calm and steady herself, she took several deep breaths and let them out slowly. Gradually, the spinning sensation subsided. Instead, things seemed delayed. It was like a camera going in slow motion.

Having slept in her clothes, she only changed her sweatshirt. She didn't have time to do anything else. Moving as fast as her throbbing head would let her, but it wasn't fast enough. Trigon left the house as Rachel locked her bedroom door. Now she had to walk to school. Maybe it was for the best. She didn't want to see him right now.

Once at school, Rachel wished she'd skipped and stayed home. She's not focused on any of her classes. Finally, it was lunchtime. She sat at a table. She didn't care if she sat their table or not she just wanted to sit. With her elbow on the table, she propped her head in her hand.

"…Rachel? Rachel? Are you all right?" Rachel looked up to see Richard, who looked concerned. He repeated, "Are you all right? I said your name about five times before you looked up."

"Sorry. I'm just tired. Didn't get much sleep."

Vic and Gar came over to the table. Vic had a tray full of food. "Hey, guys," said Vic. "I thought we were gonna eat in the courtyard today. I don't care where we eat just as long as we do. Hope Kori finds us in here. Hey, Rae, you feelin' okay?"

Gar looked over at her, "Yeah, you look awful."

Folding her arms onto the table, Rachel laid her head down on them. "Wow, you really know how to win a girl's heart."

Gar tried to clear things up. "No, I mean, you look like you're sick or something."

Rachel mumbled, "I have a killer headache." Richard raised an eyebrow. 'She never mentioned a headache.' He decided not to say anything.

Kori rushed into the cafeteria. "Hi everybody. I thought we had planned to eat outside." Seeing Rachel, Kori went to her side. "Rachel, are you not feeling well?"

Rachel sat up and rubbed her hand over her eyes. "It's nothing. I was just up late studying and reading. That's all." Richard wondered, 'Another answer? What's going on with her?"

Kori eyed her friend with concern. "I hope you did not get into any more trouble with your dad. He should not have been so mean to you."

The guys were curious and looked back and forth between the two girls. Sighing, Rachel said, "It's okay. Things are …normal." She gave a small weak smile. She wanted to show what she was all right. Rachel's stomach growled loudly, causing her to blush.

Vic asked, "Have you had anything to eat?"

Rachel started to shake her head but quickly stopped. The movement caused her head to throb. "I didn't have time," she explained.

Vic put a third of his food in front of her. "Here. Eat." They all realized this was the most food they'd seen in front of Rachel. She usually just had a sandwich or baggie of pretzels. Occasionally she'd have both. Rachel took a few tentative bites. She was afraid the food might make her feel worse. It didn't; her head began to feel a little better.

As everyone went to his or her next class, Richard called out, "Hey, Kori, wait up. What were you talking about back there? What was that about Rachel and her dad?"

Kori shook her head. "I cannot tell you too much. We stopped at her house before going to the library. When her dad came home, he was angry with her. He said …some unkind things to her."

"I bet Rachel was upset," said Richard.

Kori nodded. "She tried to pretend it did not bother her, but I could tell it did. Rachel would not be happy if she knew I was telling you this. Our new friend has a lot of sadness in her. She tries to hide it. I think she tries to pretend that the mean things people say and do does not bother her. I wish we could help her be less sad like my friends have helped me."

* * *

After school, Rachel gathered her books at her locker. Richard came up to her. "Hey, Rachel, um, can I talk with you?"

She shrugged her shoulders. She had no idea what he wanted to talk about. "Uh, okay, sure. What about?"

"Earlier at lunch, you told us different reasons why you weren't feeling well. Why'd you do that? Why not just tell us what was wrong?"

She glared at him. "I did tell you. I was tired because I was up late reading and that caused my headache."

Richard wasn't convinced. "So then why didn't you just say that? Why did you give a different answer to each of us?"

She slammed her locker shut. "What are you getting at? I'm lying? You can't trust me?" she said angrily.

Richard signed. "I do trust you. I just think there might be something you're not telling us, a reason why you have this headache. Kori mentioned the fight you had with your dad."

Rachel tried not to show the panic that's bubbling in the pit of her stomach. She needed to know what Kori told him. What did Richard know? Did the others know anything? This was why friendship was overrated. Rachel believed getting close to people only got you hurt. Once someone was your friend then they thought they could get into your business.

Richard continued, "I'm not judging you but drinking could've caused your headache." She glared at him. Thinking she didn't understanding him, Richard explained, "You could have a hangover."

Rachel was relieved and stunned. He didn't know anything; her secret was safe. Finding what he was hinting at was irritating, she said, "I don't drink. Why would you think that? Because I'm the school freak and I had a fight with my dad, so I must drown my sorrows in alcohol. Is that what you think? Like I said I don't drink." That was something her father did.

Running a hand through his hair, Richard signed. "I'm not judging you. I just know from experience. Feeling the pressure put on you by others and yourself and wanting to escape. You have some drinks to try to escape. And the next day you feel like hell."

Rachel knew some of the students drink, especially the juniors and seniors. It never occurred to her that her friends might drink. "You drink? I had no idea. Do the others, um, drink with you? Do you drink a lot?"

Richard shot her an annoyed glare. "I'm not an alcoholic if that's what you're thinking. I don't drink all the time. I've only drank a few times, usually after I fight with my 'dad'. Drinking doesn't solve anything. The next day I felt and looked awful. And no, as far as I know the others don't drink. Well, maybe Vic does. But he's so into his sports, he probably doesn't drink too often. Kori doesn't seem like that type of girl."

Rachel crossed her arms across her chest. "But I look like the kind of girl who would drink?" Richard groaned and shook his head in frustration.

Vic peaked his head around the corner. He called out, "Hey, y'all, ya coming?"

Richard called back to him, "Yeah, we're coming." To Rachel he said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought I was looking out for a friend."

With guarded emotions, Rachel said, "Thanks for the concern but there's nothing wrong."

In silence, they went to catch up with the others. Exiting the school, the five teens walked towards the parking lot. Gar was complaining about his homework when Rachel stopped in her tracks, causing him to run into her. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

She tightened her grip on the strap of her backpack. Trigon was waiting by his car; waiting to pick up Rachel. She didn't know why he was there, especially after last night. "Sorry, guess I don't need a ride. I, I forgot my dad's picking me up today. See you guys tomorrow." She wondered, 'If I live that long. Please, don't let tonight be like last night.' They all said goodbye. Full of dread, Rachel walked towards her father's car.

Getting in the car, Trigon chatted about nothing in particular, the weather, work, things like that. Rachel glanced at him through her hair that had fallen in front of her face. She wondered, 'Does he even remember last night? He could've killed me, but it's as if nothing ever happened. I'm certainly not gonna remind him.' Trigon interrupted her thoughts when he asked her about school.

"Not much happened. It was just another day at school."

"So those are your friends?" He asked. She nodded. "Isn't that that Grayson kid? He's Bruce Wayne's son or something. He'd be a pretty good catch for you."

"He's just a friend. We're all just friends, nothing more," said Rachel, hoping he'll drop the subject.

* * *

It had been quiet since Rachel went with Kori to the library. Things were back to normal, no fighting or arguing. Trigon didn't seem to notice that Rachel was quiet and shied away from him. Everything continued as normal. That surprised her, even though it happened after most of their fights.

What Rachel never realized was Trigon did notice how his daughter acted around him. He could sense her anxiety after every fight. He liked knowing he had that power over her. He liked knowing he could make his strong-willed, strong-minded daughter afraid of him.

Friday afternoon, things were quite in the Roth house. Rachel sat at the kitchen table working on homework. Trigon read the paper in the study. The doorbell rang. Being the closest to the door, Trigon got up to answer it. Rachel continued with her schoolwork. Whoever was at the door wouldn't be for her. Nobody came to see her. Rachel looked up in shock when she heard a female voice say, "Hello, Mr. Roth, is Rachel here? May we speak with her?"

Surprised, Rachel looked up from her book. Kori? What was she doing here? We? Who else was here?

Trigon called out, "Rach, two of your friends are here." He went back to the study to continue reading. Rachel went to the foyer and was surprised to see Kori and Gar.

Trying to hide her surprise, Rachel asked, "Kori, Gar, what are you doing here?"

Kori said, "We were wondering if you wanted to go to the game with us" Rachel just looked at them as if she doesn't know what they're talking about.

Gar explained, "It's a football game. It's tonight."

"I know it's a football game. I've just never been to one."

"Oh, you will love it. It is so exciting, all the food and people. It will be fun. Please Rachel say you will come with us."

"I don't know, Kori." Rachel pointed over her shoulder towards the kitchen. "I'm working on my homework and I have a lot of it."

Gar freaked out, "You're doing homework! On a Friday night? Looks like we're rescuing you just in time. Only nerds do homework on Fridays."

Rachel glared at him. She deadpanned, "Then I guess I'll be a freak and a nerd."

From behind, a large hand clamped down on Rachel's shoulder. She jumped and let out a squeak. Trigon said, "Go with your friends. Have some fun. You've been working too much on your homework."

Rachel tried to steady her breathing before she spoke. "Are you sure? I have a lot to do. You said I couldn't go anywhere before I finished it."

He laughed, sending a chill down his daughter's spine. "I'm sure. I was going to do some work but now I think I might go out. Nothing exciting will be happening here. You're homework can wait. Go, Rach. Have fun with your friends." He gave her a slight shove out the door.

As he closed the door, Rachel said, lacking any enthusiasm, "I guess I'm supposed to go to the game. Not that I really want to go to a football game."

Gar draped his arm around Rachel's shoulders. "It'll be great. You're gonna have so much fun."

Rachel looked down at Gar's hand on her shoulder. She turns and glared at him. "I highly doubt it." Gar quickly jumped away from her.

Kori give the irritated girl an encouraging smile. "Come on, Rachel, try it. You just might find out you like football games. Besides, do you not want to cheer Vic and Richard on to victory?"

Rachel threw her hands up in defeat. "Okay, fine, I'll go with you guys. But I'm not guaranteeing that I'll have fun."

As Kori's car pulled into the crowded parking lot, Rachel signed. She hated crowds. She could handle the swarm of students well enough. She "knew" or rather recognized most of those people. Here, with the families and the other team, most were strangers. She hated feeling so lost. She closed her eyes and tried to control her fear. She also tried to suppress her anger. Rachel was angry with her father. He knew that she hated crowds, ever since she got lost in a crowd when she was just six. He laughed at her fears even then. She would feel better if this wasn't sprung on her, if she'd had more time to settle her nerves.

Kori and Gar got out of the car. When Rachel remained in the car, Gar said, "Hey, Rach, ya comin'?"

Rachel signed, "Yeah, I'm coming." Joining up with the two she said, "It's Rachel, not Rach. Got it?" Gar simply nodded.

The three teens bought their tickets and went towards the stands. Before they got there, a cheerleader came up to them. She was tall and slim but had a shapely figure. Her chocolate brown skin was almost the same color as her warm brown eyes. "Hey, Kori, what's up?" the girl asked.

"Oh, hi Karen. Not much. We are here to cheer us onto victory!"

Karen laughed, "Maybe you should be a cheerleader with all that enthusiasm you have."

"Oh, do you know Rachel?" said Kori.

Karen said, "Um, yeah, we had a couple of classes together last year. Hey, Rachel, how's it goin'?"

"Hi, Karen. Super." the dark haired girl deadpanned. The others shrugged their shoulders and continued chatting. Rachel thought Karen wasn't too bad. She was okay for a cheerleader. Not that she did an okay job at being a cheerleader. She was an okay person for a cheerleader. Karen wasn't not like a lot of them. She had a brain and used it.

Rachel returned her focus back to her friends. Karen said, "I have to go. See y'all later. Hopefully after we win." She headed towards the field but stopped after a few feet. She called out, "Hey, did ya hear about the dance?"

Kori said, "What? What dance?"

The crowd grew between them. Karen yelled, "I'll tell you later!"

Excited, Kori talked about the dance all the way to the stands. "A dance? Is there going to be a dance? I thought the school officials decided against. This is so exciting! I wonder when it is. There is a lot to do: dresses, shoes, hair." Turning to Rachel she said, "Of course you are going."

Rachel looked up shocked. She never thought about going to a dance, why start now. "Me? Seriously? I don't think so. Dances aren't really my thing."

Gar laughed, "The dance is back on? Cool, everyone will get to see my moves. All the ladies will notice me." He started humming a song and dancing. Not paying attention, he almost ran into a light post.

Kori giggled and Rachel rolled her eyes. Rachel dryly said, "Your 'moves' are gonna get you noticed in the ER."

Gar kept dancing, but paid attention this time. "Aww, come on Rachel, ya know ya like how I dance. Why don't ya show us what ya can do?"

Glowering at Gar, Rachel said, "Do you really want to see the ER?"

* * *

Rachel stood in line at the concession stand. She wondered why she let them talk her into this, going to the game, getting the food, all of it. She didn't do things like this, things that normal teens did. She hide, was alone all the time, avoided her father as much as possible. Standing in line at a high school football game was what a normal girl would do. Rachel didn think she was normal.

Rachel tried not to think about what Trigon said the night of their fight. But, sometimes the doubt crept into her mind at the strangest times: during a test, while brushing her teeth, her sleep, when she's with her friends. The ugly thoughts sept into her brain like a fog. She tried to push them aside. Rachel knew that her father probably said that to upset her, that it wasn't true. It caused Rachel so much pain just the same. She couldn't help wondering about what her father said. Did her mother really not want to have her? Would she have had an abortion if she wasn't so scared?

So lost in her thoughts, Rachel didn't notice that the man standing behind her in line was studying her. She's surprised when he tapped her on the shoulder and said hi. Rachel said, "Uh, hi." She thought, 'What does he want?'

The man with sandy blond hair, in his mid-to-late thirties, said, "You're Angela and Trigon's daughter, aren't you?"

"Yeah, so what about it?" said Rachel. She eyed him suspiciously.

The man puts his hand out to shake. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Hi, I'm Martin Taylor. I went to school with your mother. I knew you were Angela's daughter. It's amazing."

After hesitantly shaking his hand she asked, "How did you know? What's amazing?"

Martin said, "Sorry, it's just that you look so much like Angela did at your age. Oh, I also knew your dad. I worked with him for a while. They made a good couple." He looked around as if he was looking for someone. "Are you and your folks just here for the game?"

"Um, no, dad and I moved here, to Jump City, a few years ago."

Martin asked, "And Angela? What about her? Where is she?"

Rachel looked down. "She's um, uh …" She hated talking about her mom, especially to strangers.

Martin quickly said, "Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't know. It must have been hard for her to leave behind the daughter she loved so much."

Rachel gave him a small, sad smile. Maybe there was some hope. Maybe Rachel's mother grew to love her daughter after all.

* * *

Rachel returned to Kori and Gar, with the food. Wally was now there with a girl and boy. Everybody's talking about the dance and they didn't notice Rachel. Rachel observed the two newcomers. The girl, she had seen around school. She's short and had short, wavy strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes. She's Kole Weathers, the school's gossip. The guy was about as tall as Kori. He had long straight black hair. Rachel was amazed. She'd never seen hair so "beautiful" on a guy before. As she studied him, he turned to her and smiled. Rachel blushed and returned a small smile. She'd never had a guy notice her like that. Usually if someone, anyone was aware of her, Rachel ended up being tormented.

Kori said, "Oh, Rachel, you are back. I did not see you. We are talking about the exciting news about the dance. You know everyone here, right?" Before Rachel could say anything Kori introduced everyone. That annoyed Rachel. Kori acted like Rachel was "the new girl in school". Rachel rolled her eyes. Just because Rachel didn't have any friends didn't mean she didn't know anyone. That said, Rachel didn't know Garth Atwater, captain of the swim team.

Garth smiled at Rachel. "I don't think I've seen around before. Have you always gone to Jump City High?"

Rachel felt her face turning pink. "Yeah, I guess I'm, um, I'm quiet. Most people don't notice me."

Garth said, "Then we must not have any classes together, because I would've noticed you."

Rachel felt her blush intensify. She attributed the fact that Garth was paying attention to her, to her clothes. Her style hadn't changed that much. She still wore mostly dark colors and long sleeves. Her clothes were a little more form fitting. She showed she had something of figure.

A girl came up to the group. She was in a bad mood. Wally said, "Hey, Jinni, thought you weren't coming. Thought you couldn't make it; had other plans. What changed? I know, you couldn't stay away from me?" He flashed a large grin.

The girl with brown hair rolled her angry hazel eyes. "I just came over to say hi. I had to come so we could have some 'family time'. Like that's gonna work." She glared over to two adults having a heated discussion

Wally draped his arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry Jinni. Why don't ya stay with us? We'll all probably go get something to eat after the game. Come with us. It'll give you a break from all that."

Jinni gave him a mischievous smile. She tousled his hair. "Okay, I'll be back in a minute. I should tell them. Not that they would notice whether or not I'm there."

Jinni went over to the arguing couple. "Mom, Dad, I'm gonna be with my friends. We're gonna grab a bite after the game. I'll be home later tonight. Someone will give me a ride." That started the couple on another argument. Jinni walked away from her parents fighting about whether or not she should be with her friends.

Going back to her friends, Jinni signed as she sat next to Rachel. She pretended to pull her hair out. Jinni growled, "Grrr, parents!"

Thinking of her own father, Rachel replied sarcastically, "Yeah, they're such a joy."

The hazel-eyed girl finally noticed Rachel. "You're new to the group, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I'm Rachel Roth."

"Hey, I'm Jinni Fortune. Sometimes I go by Jinx."

Raising an eyebrow, Rachel asked, "Why 'Jinx'?"

"Well, I'm Miss Fortune-misfortune." Jinni laughed and rolled her eyes. "Plus, I kinda have bad luck following me. Don't worry. It's nothing major or serious, just simple bad luck."

Rachel and Jinni talked some while most of the others focus on the game. The subject of the dance came up. Jinni said, "I'll probably make my dress. I usually do. What about you?"

Rachel said, "I'm not going."

Kori piped up, "Yes, she is. We should all go as a group. It will be so much fun." Rachel rolled her eyes, 'speak for yourself.'

During halftime, Wally and Jinni went get more snacks. While those two were gone, the others talked about Jinni and her parents. It looked like they were getting a divorce, but her friends weren't sure if Jinni realized that. Not wanting to listen about faulty parents, Rachel got up. She said, "I forgot to tell Jinni something. I'll be right back."

Going down the stairs, Rachel wasn't paying attention. Somebody ran into her. "Why don't you watch where you're goin' you freakin' bitch!" yelled the long haired blonde. Her large blue eyes were full of fire.

Rachel's shocked, she didn't run into this girl. It was the other way around. "Who the hell do you think are? Calling me a bitch?" Rachel said angrily.

The blonde said, "You ran into me. So I'm calling you a …" Her voice trailed off when Gar called out to them.

"Hey, Terra, didn't think you were comin'? Do ya know Rachel?", he said.

The blonde girl, Terra, instantly transformed into a sweet natured girl. She flashed a large smile. "Gar, hey, I wasn't sure if I could make so I said I couldn't. I didn't want to disappoint y'all. Turns out I could come. I just got here. Surprise!"

Gar laughed, "Cool, glad you're here. So, have you two met before?"

Rachel eyed Terra suspiciously. "No, we just …"

Terra quickly finished, "We just kinda ran into each other. It's no biggie though. There's no damage." Terra had a grin on her face but her eyes flashed anger at Rachel. It lasted only a second and only Rachel saw it.

Gar said, "I came to get ya, Rachel cause the game's back on."

Terra looped her arm with his. "Oh, are we winning?"

Laughing, he said, "We are so winning. We're trouncing them."

Rachel followed them back to their friends. She didn't know what to make of Terra. She was a pretty girl. She looked like what everyone thought of when thinking of a typical California girl. Why would she be so hostile to Rachel when they didn't even know each other?


	7. Chapter 7: Popular

**Chapter 7: Popular**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, any form of Wicked or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **" _Popular! / ...way to go ..._ " -Popular, Wicked: the Musical **

* * *

Rachel slammed her locker shut. Seeing she had the wrong book, she sighed and jerked her locker open again.

"Pissed?" asked Jinni as she came up to Rachel.

"Always," replied Rachel, switching her books.

"So," Jinni leaned against the lockers, "what's wrong?"

"I have to go to the dance." Rachel rolled her eyes, "Apparently, my councilor thinks I'm a loner, aka loser. She talked to my dad. He thinks I don't do enough 'normal' things. So he's making me go to this stupid dance." Rachel slammed her locker shut again. "Ugh! Why can't everyone leave me alone?"

Jinni smiled, "Oh, I get it. Your dad wants you to be a normal teenaged girl." She listed things, "He wants you to go to dances, go on dates, have a boyfriend, have sex, …"

"What! Have sex? No, no, no, no, no. He's not thinking about that and neither am I. I've never even kissed a guy, let alone been on a date. There's no way I'm having sex." Rachel shuttered slightly.

Jinni laughed at Rachel's reaction. "Come on, it's not that bad. Okay, the first time, well the first few times, are a little awkward. And maybe it hurts a little. But like a lot of things, it gets better with practice."

Rachel stared at her new friend. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "You've had sex?"

Jinni nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, so. Don't look at me like that. It's not like I'm doin' it all the time. I've only been with a few guys."

Rachel shook her head. "I'm definitely not ready for that."

As the two girls went to their next class, Jinni said, "C'mon, give the dance a chance. It could be fun."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "About as fun as getting a root canal that I don't need."

* * *

Saturday morning, Kori dragged Rachel to the mall to shop for dresses. There, they met up with Jinni, Karen and Terra. Everyone excitedly shopped for the dance, except Rachel. As they enthusiastically searched for the right dress, Rachel stood near them, looking completely bored.

A woman with a scarf draped over her shoulders, went up to Rachel. The woman asked, "Excuse me, could I ask you a question?"

Rachel looked at her and thought, 'You just did. Will you go away now?'

Since Rachel didn't tell her no, the woman continued, "I'm Bridgette Turner and I'm with Merrill Kay Maxine Cosmetics. I'm always on the look out for new girls. Have you ever thought of being a model?"

Rachel was surprised. "Me? You want me to be a model? I think you want to talk to my friends. They're pretty. One of them is tall. They'd make great models."

Ignoring Rachel's protests, the woman explained, "Well, it doesn't matter if the girl's tall or not. Actually, her figure doesn't matter either. What we do is we take pictures of the girls without any makeup on. Then we take pictures of girls with our makeup on. The photo shoots are a before and after."

"Um, I don't think so."

The woman handed Rachel her business card. "Here, don't say no just yet. Think about it. It would be a fun way to make some money. Plus, here's a coupon for some of our products."

After the woman left, Rachel walked over to her friends. "Ohh-Kay. That was weird. I just had a lady ask me to be a model for her makeup."

Karen took the business card Rachel was holding. She looked at it suspiciously. "She wants you to be a model? Did you accept?"

"Crazy, right?" Rachel shook her head, "No, of course not. I am so not the model type."

Kori, Jinni and Terra gathered around Karen to look at the card. The three began talking at the same time. "Why not? It could possibly be fun." "You might get some free products." "Free stuff? Are you crazy? You would make money and get free stuff."

Rachel crossed her arms across her chest and rolled her eyes. "Like I said, I'm not the model type. All I could think about when she was talking is it would be a disaster. I would probably be the before. You know, 'this is how messed up you look without the makeup.' That, or what little makeup I do have on is doing an incredible job. She wasn't seeing the flaws."

Kori put her arm around Rachel's shoulders ."Rachel, you are pretty."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel shook her head slightly. "I told her she really wanted to talk to you guys. You all would be perfect for it."

Jinni frowned, "So, you're not gonna do it? Not gonna step out of your comfort zone and do something fun and different?"

Rachel glared at her friend. "First, it wouldn't be fun. And for doing something different, I'm here. I'm shopping, in the mall, for a dress, for a dance that I don't want to go to. That's about all the 'out of my comfort zone' I can handle."

"Fair enough," Jinni shrugged, "as long as you're sure."

"Positive. I am not doing that."

Terra grabbed the business card from Karen. "Mind if I do it?"

"Go for it. Knock yourself out."

"Awesome! Free stuff!"

Rachel rolled her eyes at Terra's excitement.

"Hey, girls," said Jinni, "it's about time for us to meet up with the guys. We can continue shopping after lunch."

* * *

In the very busy food court, the girls caught up with the guys. Gar and Vic teased Rachel for her lack of shopping bags. Vic joked, "Aren't ya looking forward to this dance, just like every other girl?"

Rachel glared at him, "I'm looking forward to the day after the dance. Then this whole ridiculous thing will be over."

After lunch, they decided to shop all together, the boys and the girls. The boys didn't have a lot of shopping to do. They were mainly there to carry packages.

After an hour or so of shopping, Karen asked, "Does everyone have everything they need?" Four of the five girls held up their bags. Even the guys held up a bag or two. They all turned to Rachel, who only had one small bag.

"Seriously, you bought a book?" Terra couldn't believe Rachel would do something like that.

"Why do you not have anything for the dance?" asked Kori, "Did you not find anything you liked?"

Rachel explained in a bored tone, "I wasn't really looking, so I couldn't find anything. Can we go now?"

Kori frowned. She didn't understand why she didn't try to find something. At the moment, the dance was the most exciting thing happening. Why wasn't Rachel equally excited? "If you cannot find something then we will have to find you a dress. Come on, we shall start over our adventure of shopping."

Rachel and the guys groaned. Kori pouted at their reaction. It is just after two o'clock. This should not take too long. It will be all of us helping one person shop." Kori grabbed Rachel's arm and pulled her towards a store. The raven-haired girl let out a squeak of surprise then groaned. The others followed the two girls. Come on, his will be fun."

Inside the store, Kori took charge of things. "First, we need to figure out a style or type of dress for our dear friend."

"You really don't need to do this," muttered Rachel.

"Nonsense. This is what friends do. We help each other," said Kori. She was oblivious to Rachel's discomfort. She wasn't being mean. Kori honestly thought she was helping her friend. "What did you have in mind? What kind of style?"

Rachel wondered if friendship was worth this hassle. She rolled her eyes and finally said, "Nothing girly."

Terra gasped, "Hel-lo! It's a dress for a dance. Duh, dresses are girly."

Glaring at Terra, Rachel growled, "Fine. Nothing too girly." Rachel knew Terra was part of their group. Everyone, especially Gar, liked Terra. She didn't know why but Rachel didn't entirely trust the blonde girl.

Away from the girls, Gar joked to Richard, "Can you imagine it, Rachel in a girly dress? Oh, I know, it'd be light pink and white with ruffles and lace and really fluffy and , um …" When Richard stopped laughing, Gar turned to find a pair of intense blue eyes glaring at him. "Oh, hi Rachel …I was just, uh …"

"You were just …what?" growled the owner of those blue eyes.

Gar looked to Richard for help Richard put his hands up as if to say he was innocent. "Sorry, you're on your own." He turned to join Vic, who was with the girls.

"Du-u-ude! Thanks a lot," whined Gar. He turned back to Rachel. He smiled sheepishly and stammered, "I, um, …I was, uh …nothing. I was doing nothing. Just standing here admiring all the pretty dresses."

"You must not want to get your license and drive," said an irritated Rachel.

Confused, Gar said, "Yeah, I do. Why?"

"If you keep this up, you won't make it to your sixteenth birthday."

They overheard the girls talking. "This is just like one of my favorite style shows. We're gonna find the right outfit for the sulky fashion victim and …"

Rachel grimaced, "Great. I'm some sort of excitement for them."

"You really don't wanna do this, do you?" asked Gar.

"How could you tell?" She snapped at him. Sighing, Rachel said, "Sorry, I just, I don't know, hate this whole thing. I don't like shopping, especially in the mail. I don't wear dresses. I don't like showing a lot of skin."

Gar realized he's never seen Rachel wearing short sleeves or shorts. He wondered if there was a disturbing reason for that.

Rachel caught him looking at her and guessed his thoughts. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not like everyone else. A lot of girls at school wear practically nothing. I don't want to be anything like that. Also, I don't like getting a lot of sun exposure."

"Oh, so it's a goth thing?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

Kori called everyone over to her. Cheerfully, she said, "Okay, everyone, we are going to find Rachel the perfect dress. Rachel, wait here while everyone else picks out a dress or two for you to try on. Ooo! This is going to be so much fun."

Rachel stood there with her arms crossed as she watched her friends scatter. They went in all directions. Each had his or her own method. Some, mainly the guys, just seemed to grab something. Others seemed to put some thought into it.

When they returned to Rachel, everyone had a dress or two. They piled them into Rachel's arms. They pushed her towards the fitting rooms, which were in the back of the store.

"I can't see where I'm going." Vic tried to steer her the right way. Annoyed, Rachel told him, "You think it's so easy? Here. You carry them." She pushed the dresses into his arms. Vic was surprised by two things. First, he didn't know a few dresses could be so heavy. And he's surprised Rachel carried them as long as she did. Compared to him, she was diminutive. 'Maybe she's like Kori,' Vic thought, 'she's stronger than she looks.

At the fitting room, Vic put the dresses back in Rachel's arms. Once she entered the room, she dropped them on the floor. She looked down at the pile of dresses and rolled her eyes. There was a wide assortment of colors, fabrics and styles. Most of the dresses were dark in color. A few were kind of bright, jewel-tones. She didn't want to do this. Rachel crossed her arms. "Do I have to do this?"

The girls cried out, "Yes!"

"Can't I read a book about it? Or I could watch a movie about a high school dance? Something like, I don't know, She's All That or Carrie?" said Rachel as she poked the pile of dresses with her foot.

"No!" They all called out. Outside the fitting rooms, they could practically hear Rachel rolling her eyes.

Jinni muttered to herself, "This'll probably kill me." To Rachel she said, "I hate sounding like my mom, but to quote her, 'Keep that up and you're eyes will get stuck looking at your brain.' Ugh, I can't believe I just said that."

Karen sympathetically put her arm around Jinni's shoulders. "Don't worry, you'll be alright. Just don't do it too often. You don't wanna make a habit of sounding like your parents until you're old, like them."

"After trying on each dress, you should come out here and let us see it on you."

"No way. I'm not letting anyone see me in some of these dresses." Rachel picked up a slinky red dress that was very low cut in the back. She knew no one would ever see her in something like that.

Rachel rifled through the dresses. Some weren't too bad. She quickly tried those on and disliked each one. She came out of the fitting room in her usual jeans and sweatshirt. She didn't have a dress with her. "Sorry, nothing worked. Guess we're done shopping." She hoped they really were finished shopping.

Kori looked at her friend in disbelief. "None of those dresses worked? Did you try on all of them?"

Rachel shook her head. Before anyone could say anything, Rachel pulled out the slinky red dress. "Seriously? Like I'm really gonna wear something like this? Sorry, Kori, but face it, there's nothing for me."

Kori thought a moment, "We will simply have to try every store in the mall if we have to. We will find you a dress."

Rachel groaned as they dragged her to another store. The same thing happened at each store. Both Rachel and Kori were stubborn about finding a dress. As they passed the food court on their way to the fifth store, Vic said, "Can't we stop for some food? We've been shoppin' for hours."

Terra and Gar pleaded at the same time, "Pleeeaaasssse! I need food and my feet are killing me." They looked at one another and laughed.

"I'm wearing these wedge sandals," said Terra, "What's your excuse for your feet hurting?"

"I'm not used to walking around the mall all day," whined Gar, "Are we ever gonna be done? Or are we gonna turn into those mall walkers? Eww."

"Ha-ha. You are funny. We have not been here that long. Once Rachel finds a dress, our shopping excursion will be over."

"Uh, Kor," said Richard, "it's a little after six. If we're gonna keep shopping, we should grab a bite to eat."

Kori looked down at her watch and laughed. "I did not realize we have been here that long. My watch must have died. It says it is only 4:35. Oh well, I will just have to buy a new one. Hm, now that you have mentioned it, I too am hungry." Kori smiled, "Of course, we should get something to eat. Maybe some nourishment is what you need, Rachel, to find the right dress."

Rachel crossed her arms and muttered under her breath, "I wouldn't count on it."

* * *

Rachel dropped her tray of food down at their table. She flopped into her seat. She sighed, "I need to get a job."

"You?" asked Vic, "Doesn't your dad make a lot of money?"

Terra said, "Yeah, isn't your dad, like, super rich? He can buy you whatever you want. I mean, you have his debit card. So what's the big deal?"

Karen came up to the table. "Nothing wrong with a girl wanting some independence. It'll probably do her some good. Get her ready for college." Karen looked over at Terra, "It certainly wouldn't hurt you to do some work." As Karen sat, Terra glared at her.

"Thanks, Karen, you're kinda right about that," said Rachel, "I just need some money to buy food when I'm with you guys. We're always eating." Rachel held up the debit card and said, "This is to buy things like this dress. I don't want to use it too much. I don't want to 'upset' my dad."

Terra told Rachel, "Well, you're not getting that modeling job back. You said I could have it. So you'll just have to find something else." Rachel rolled her eyes.

Jinni leaned over the table to talk to Rachel and Karen. She knew they'd understand. "Isn't that so annoying? They tell you 'buy what you need, get what you want.' Then they get all bent outta shapes cuz you spend too much. It's all 'we're not made of money' and 'were even make all these sacrifices for you to be happy'. Pfft, yeah right, whatever." The whole table got quite for a while. Everyone knew about the problems Jinni was having with her parents.

To break the silence, Richard said, "Jinni, you're making your dress, right?" Jinni nodded. "Then what are you buying?"

Off the subject she didn't like and on to one she did, Jinni perked up. "Shoes of course. I can't make those." She thought a moment, "Well, I guess I might be able to make shoes if I tried. But I'm not gonna start that when the dance is next week."

Before they went back to shopping, Rachel called home to let her father know she'd be home later than she thought. Shopping again, it was just like before. Kori was trying hard to find the right dress and Rachel rejected all of them.

They were at the fifth or sixth store. While everyone was searching for Rachel's dress, she started to sneak away from the fitting rooms. She was almost to the door when she heard a deep voice from behind her. Rachel jumped. "Where do you think you're goin'?"

Rachel turned to face Vic. "Um, going to use the bathroom?"

"Didn't we all take care of that after we ate?"

Rachel pleaded to be able to leave, "Please, I don't know how many more dresses I can try on."

"And you'd end up hurting Kori's feelings," said Vic, "She's being a good friend. This isn't about her. She's trying to help you. You really wanna walk out and crush 'er like that?"

Rachel's shoulders dropped. Vic watched her slowly walk back to the fitting rooms. She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. "You okay?" He wondered.

"Yes," she grumbled, "Go pick something I might actually wear."

Vic smiled, "I knew you'd be a good sport about it." He went to pick out her dress as Rachel flipped her hair over her shoulder to hide her face as she sulked.

* * *

They had tried just about every possible store in the mall. They walked to last option, Sterlington. As they walked into the store, Gar looked up at the sign. "Hey, Karen, don't ya work here?"

"Yeah, I started working here over the summer. So?"

"So, why didn't we come here first? Wouldn't that have saved us alotta time?" Gar asked.

Karen said, "I see these dresses all the time. I knew my dress wasn't here. That doesn't mean there's nothing here for Rachel. Sorry, guess I just didn't think about this place."

Looking around, Rachel had a thought. "Um, Karen, are they hiring here?"

Karen nodded, "Yeah, but it's for the makeup counter. They are all a lot like Kitten over there. I can't picture you there. Sorry."

Rachel frowned, "It was just a thought. If anything else comes up, will you let me know."

"Yeah, sure, no problem. There are some pretty good dresses in the junior's the department."

Again, everyone did what he or she had done in every other store. When Rachel got the dresses, she sifted through the pile. She put them into different piles of possible, not likely and no way.

Rachel picked up one dress and said to herself, "Seriously? Who picked this one for me?" She peeked her head out the fitting room door. She held up a yellow dress. It looked like it was the kind of dress a two-year-old would wear. It had a short full skirt, puffy short sleeves and a sash that tied into a bow in the back. "Really? I know I said I wanted nothing too girly and I don't want to go but this is for a dance. I'm not a little girl going to Sunday school." She threw it at them. It landed on Vic's head making everyone laugh.

Karen was right about the dresses. There seemed to be more dresses in the possible pile than the other times. While trying on those, Rachel asked again, "Do I really have to do this?" She got the same response. Rachel sighed and tried a different approach. "How about I find something and pretend to go to the dance? I'd get dressed up and my dad would think I'm going to the dance, but I'd skip it. That would work for everyone, wouldn't it? I'd get a dress, that's for all of you. I'd go to the dance, that's for my dad and councilor. And I'd leave after a few minutes of being there, that's for me."

"Skip the dance?" asked Gar, "Why'd you wanna do that?"

Rachel flatly replied, "I don't dance."

"Ya know, you don't hav'ta dance at the dance." Gar said then thought for a moment. "If you didn't go to the dance, what would you do?"

"I'd go to the library or maybe see a movie."

"You're crazy," said Terra, "You'd skip the dance and go to the library? I'd do the opposite. There's no way I'd miss a chance to party."

Rachel made a face but kept trying on dresses. She did not like Terra. After trying on several dresses, Karen knocked on the fitting room door. "Hey, Rachel, the store's closing in about thirty minutes. Do you have anything you've rejected? If you'd push them out here, they'll can put them away. They'll need all that time." Rachel shoved out most of the dresses.

Rachel looked at the few that remained. She quickly tried them on. It didn't take long to narrow it down to three. She was surprised. She liked each one. Not knowing which one to pick, Rachel bit her lip as she thought. Rachel thought they'd be surprised if she bought all three. She knew they weren't expecting her to find one she liked let alone three. The dark-haired teen smiled to herself as she picked up the three dresses. She was right about them being surprised.

"You liked one?" asked Gar.

"Of course she did," said Kori. She was as curious as everyone else. "Which one are you getting?"

"I couldn't decide so I'm buying three and whatever I don't pick, I'll bring back. But nobody's seeing it until the dance."

Kori gasped, "You are going? You are really going to the dance?" Rachel nodded her head reluctantly. Kori jumped up and down. "Yay! We are going to have so much fun! Tomorrow, all the girls should come over to my house. We will figure out hairstyles and makeup."

Rachel shook her head, "Sorry, I can't. I'm wiped out from all this shopping. Besides, I'm not doing anything different with my hair and makeup."

"You should curl your hair," said Terra, who began laughing at the thought of Rachel having her almost waist length hair curled.

Rachel said flatly, "And you should shave your head. In some cultures, that's a symbol of beauty and courage." She then flashed Terra a smile. The blonde teen stopped laughing and glared at Rachel.

Gar said, "I like your hair long, Terra, but I'd bet you'd be cute with a super short hair cut."

"You really think I'd look cute with a pixie cut?" Gar nodded and Terra flashed him a huge smile for Gar while sending daggers to Rachel.

* * *

When Kori dropped Rachel off at her house, it was about nine-thirty. As they pulled up to the house, a car pulled out of the driveway. Rachel didn't recognize it but probably didn't mean anything. Maybe someone was dropping off something about her father's work.

Rachel was exhausted from shopping. She didn't know if she'd ever shopped like that. Rachel cautiously entered the house. She didn't know what Trigon's mood would be, especially since she spent so much time at the mall with her friends. She's in luck, he seemed to be in a good mood.

"Finally done shopping? It took you long enough."

Still holding the garment bag, Rachel said, "Um, yes, we're done. Sorry, that took longer than we thought it would."

"You mean you took a long time to find a dress. Looks like you found something."

For a moment, Rachel thought back to when she was little and shopping with her mother for dresses for Easter, birthdays and the first day of school. Those were good memories. Things would be easier if her mom was here. "You're right. Sorry it took me so long, but I've never had to get a dress like this before. Finally, I found something." She turned to go upstairs.

Trigon stopped her. "Aren't you going to show me what you picked out?"

"You really want to see what I got?" His request surprised Rachel. He has never been this interested in her. Rachel opened the garment bag. "I got these because I couldn't decide," She explained quickly as she spread the dresses over the back of the sofa. "The two I don't pick, I'll return. I have two weeks to do that, but I'll know by tomorrow. If you don't mind taking me back to the mall …"

Trigon laughed at his daughter's unease. "Okay, okay, slow down. You have some time to decide." He looked them over. "Were they expensive?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, all three were on sale. The total was a little over two hundred dollars."

"That much for three dresses? Hm, not bad. I think you should keep all three."

Rachel stopped fiddling with her hair and looked up astonished. "What? You want me to keep all of them? But I don't need three dresses."

"Well, you never know when you'll need something. Now that you're older, you might need to attend a business dinner with me. Any of these would work for the dance or a dinner."

Unsure what his response would be, Rachel asked him which one he liked.

He held up the one closest to him and studied it. "This white and wine-colored one is pretty. I like the kind of sheer fabric for the skirt."

It's tulle," she cautiously corrected him.

Trigon nodded. "I like the way the dress changes color."

The dress was strapless and knee-length. The variegated dress started with deep burgundy at the bodice and faded to ivory at the hem of the skirt. In between, there were different shades of rose and mauve. That gave the dress an ombre effect. On the left side of the waist was a rose embellished with silver beads and sequins. Rachel's surprised she'd pick something that looked so girly but she liked it.

"The dark blue one is pretty. It would bring out the color of your eyes. I'm surprised you've picked out things so girly. Maybe it just shows you're growing up." The second dress was also knee-length. It was navy blue with beaded on the waist, the straps and along the top edge of the bodice.

Rachel was amazed she was discussing clothes, dresses with her father. She wondered why he was in such a good mood. Did it have anything to do with who was in the car that drove away when she came home? She felt like she was in an alternative universe. Why couldn't things be like this more often?

The third one was knee-length as well. It was satiny and had a square neckline. He continued as he picked up the last one. "This purple one kind of reminds me of a dress your mom used to wear. I really like this one. Yeah, I think you should keep all three."

Gathering the dresses, Rachel said, "Um, you're sure? I don't need three. I could just keep two if …"

"Yes. Keep them all," he snapped. "You should get to bed."

The good mood was falling apart. Rachel followed her father's "advice" and headed to the stairs. She stopped before going up, "Thank you, Dad."

In her room, Rachel hung the dresses on her closet door. She flopped on her bed. Studying them as she fell asleep, she thought, "What did I get myself into?"

* * *

 **Hmm... 7th chapter finished on 7/7/17. =D**


	8. Chapter 8 : Want You Want

**Chapter 8: Want You Want**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics**

* * *

 **"Do what you … / … you really are)" - Want You Want, Evanescence**

* * *

Rachel was tired of hearing about the dance. It seemed to be the subject of choice. Everyone, even some of the teachers, talked about it. She tried to tune it out as much as possible without much luck. A very small part of her was excited about the dance, but mostly, she was scared. She was afraid everyone would laugh at her. She'd never let anyone know any of that, so she just acted irritated.

On Friday, everyone seemed extremely excited and Rachel's nerves were on edge. She spent Saturday trying to settle her nerves. After pacing most of the afternoon, Trigon laughed at her. "What are you nervous about? These kids are your friends, right? It's just a dance. There's nothing to worry about. What could go wrong?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. It starts in a few hours, so guess I'll start getting ready." As she went upstairs, she cringed at her father's laughter following her up the stairs. She thought, 'He doesn't get it. How would he like to go somewhere wearing a dress?' Rachel smiled at the thought of her dad in drag. 'Dad would make an ugly woman. Ugh, now I need to get that image outta my head.'

Trying to calm her nerves, Rachel took a long shower. As she stood in her bathrobe, she stared at the dresses hanging on her closet door. It was probably the hundredth time she'd studied them. Why couldn't she pick one? Why was this taking so long?

Over the past few days, she had tried on each dress, multiple times. Still, she couldn't decide which one to wear. Eventually, she'd narrowed it down to two.

Rachel liked the ombre dress but it was sleeveless. She didn't feel comfortable wearing a sleeveless dress. If she'd had more time, Rachel was sure she could've put straps on it. She put that dress into her closet, saving it for another time.

Rachel sighed as she scolded herself, 'This isn't brain surgery. Just pick one.' Knowing she was over thinking it, Rachel finally picked a dress. She'd already done her makeup, simply eyeliner and some clear lip-gloss. She slipped on the dress then ran a brush through her long dark hair. After slipping on black ballet flats, Rachel went over to the jewelry box she kept in her desk.

After debating whether she should wear a necklace, Rachel decided to wear the necklace her mom gave her. The necklace was a silver heart. The center had an amethyst, Rachel's birthstone. She didn't wear the necklace often but when Rachel did, she felt close to her mother.

Setting the clasp, Rachel studied her reflection. The dress fit perfectly. The royal blue fabric swirled around her legs, ending a few inches above her knees. She liked the way the beads and sequins sparkled on the straps, at the waist and along the top of the sweetheart neckline.

Looking at her "twin" in the mirror, Rachel barely recognized herself. She felt oddly pretty. She was glad the bruises on her arms and legs had faded. Gone was the moody, sullen, angst-ridden, emo/goth teenaged girl she normally was. Rachel looked at the girl in the mirror. She looked pretty, not beautiful. Rachel knew she could never be beautiful but she looked like a normal girl. She looked confident, like she belonged. The girl in the mirror didn't have a father who hit her. That girl was part of a loving family – a mom, dad, possibly siblings. Rachel was shocked wearing a dress could make her feel so different.

Trigon called up the stairs, "Hey, Rach, if you're going to this dance, you should get going."

Frowning, Rachel shook her head and sighed. The spell was broken. She wasn't the girl in the mirror. Her life wasn't a fairytale. She didn't have a fairy godmother to magic her life to be better. Rachel felt foolish for imagining her life could be different just because she wore a dress. The dark-haired teen softly sang to herself a few lines of "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked, the Musical. "Every so …To the land …But that …When reality …" Rachel sighed again as she nervously adjusted the straps before going down stairs. She wondered once more if she doing the right thing, going to this dance.

As she went downstairs, Rachel hoped her father wouldn't make a big deal about the dance. She just wanted to get the night done. Then she could say she went to the dance and everyone could leave her alone.

Trigon looked up when Rachel stepped off the stairs. "Wow, look at you. You look so pretty. Where's my little girl? What happened to my little girl who used for make mud pies for the unicorns she believed were real?"

" _Dad_ , I'm not a little girl."

"No, she's not. Trigon, your daughter has grown up, quite nicely, I might add," said a deep male voice. That voice belonged to Slade Wilson. He worked for her father. He was Trigon's right hand man. Sometimes, Slade came over to discuss work. Rachel made a point to not be around when he came over. She didn't know why but she didn't entirely trust him.

Rachel was sure most thought he was handsome. She couldn't argue with that. His white hair and goatee gave him a distinguished look. There was something about him that didn't settle well with the teen. He was too slick or sly. Rachel couldn't figure out why she felt the way she did but she often felt anxious around ,.

Seeing Slade, Rachel took a step back. To her father she said, "What's he doing here? Remember, tonight's the dance. I thought you were going to drop me off."

Trigon continued to look through some papers as he spoke, "We just have some business to attend to. Well go in a minute."

Rachel felt uneasy. She looked over and saw Slade watching her. She didn't like the way he looked at her. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and moved to stand on the other side of her father. Now Trigon blocked Slade's view of Rachel.

"I have to go get that file. I could drop her off at her dance. That way you could keep working here," offered Slade.

Rachel felt panic rise in her. She didn't want to go anywhere with him. She started towards the stairs. "That's okay. I don't have to go if you're busy."

"Stop," said Trigon, "you're going to this dance and I'm taking you. Slade, you go get that file. We'll meet back here in about twenty minutes."

Several minutes later, Trigon drove Rachel to school. They rode in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Trigon thought about Rachel's and Slade's reaction to each other. Rachel worried about the dance. Would everyone laugh at her?

Trigon broke the silence as they arrived at the school. "Will you need me to pick you up after this thing or what?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, one of my friends is giving me a ride. I shouldn't be very late. Um, are you sure this dress looks okay?"

Trigon nodded. "Yeah, you look pretty. You kind of remind me of your mom right now." That made Rachel smile a little.

Rachel took a deep breath, got out of the car and looked around. She was really going to do this. She was really going to a dance. Rachel turned back to the car to tell her dad something but he pulled away. 'Guess I can't change my mind now.'

Walking into the building, Rachel looked around. Everyone looked so different dressed up for the dance. Maybe it won't be as bad as she thought. Looking for her friends, Rachel entered the gym. She was amazed. Decorations and twinkling lights were all over the gym, completely transforming the large room into someplace magical.

Rachel first saw Kori. Kori's dress was perfect for her. Her dress was light purple. It was strapless, A-line and floor length. The bodice had several graduating layers of organza. The layers were different shades of pink and purple. There was a flower made of the same organza and colors on the waist. It had a sweetness and innocent of a "princess" gown.

Richard, Vic and Gar were with Kori. They seemed to be searching for someone. Kori spotted Rachel first. Kori exclaimed, "Ohmigosh! Rachel, look at you! Your dress is absolutely amazing. It is perfect for you."

Vic said, "Wow, spin around so we can all see."

"I don't think so. This isn't something to make a big deal about."

Richard said, "Are you kidding? This is the first time anyone has seen Rachel Roth in a dress."

Rachel rolled her eyes. Reluctantly, she quickly and self-consciously spun around. "There, happy now?"

Kori jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Rachel, you look exquisitely beautiful. That color definitely matches your eyes."

"Pretty, not beautiful," Rachel corrected her, "but thank you. Your dress, now that's beautiful on you. You look like a princess."

"Thank you for your kind words, dear friend."

As they searched for the rest of their friends, Gar stayed back with Rachel. He leaned over to her and whispered, "I think you and your dress are more than just pretty." Rachel rolled her eyes and blushed as she watched him walk off the join the others.

They found Karen and Terra next. Their dresses matched their personalities. Karen's was a golden yellow halter dress. Silver sequined lace was around the waist and on the halter straps. The lace accented the ruched bust. The chiffon skirt swirled around her long, slim legs.

Terra's dress was fun and flirty. The bodice was yellow, green and blue with some white. It almost looked painted. The rhinestone belt lead down to the short flirty skirt. The skirt was several layers of sheer overlay. The layers repeated the colors of the bodice.

Kole and Garth showed up next. Kole's dress was a short apple green bubble dress. Wally soon joined them.

Jinni was the only one left to find and it was getting late. They wondered were she was. She was usually one of the first to arrive. Was something wrong? Should someone call her? Karen pulled out her phone just as Jinni walked into the gym. They were blown away by her dress.

Jinni's dress was like nobody else's . For one thing, she made it herself. It was made from a 1950s vintage pattern. It had a hunter green halter bodice. Many layers of tulle and nylon net made up the skirt that ended just below her knees. Hand stitched on the outer layer of the skirt was a net ruffle framed by dark green ribbons. Those ribbons circle repeatedly on the skirt. The cups of the bodice were layered with rayon taffeta, tulle and netting. It repeated the ruffle and ribbon detail from the skirt. That detail shaped and accented the bust line. She wore her hair, now with new pink streaks, in a vintage "pin-up girl" up-do.

"Wow! You made that? I've made and altered a few things, but I could never make anything like this," said Rachel as she studied Jinni's dress.

"It looks amazing. How'd you get the idea to make this style?" asked Karen.

Jinni laughed at her friend's reactions. They seemed amazed that she made such a complicated dress. "I saw an old movie over the summer and I liked some of the dresses. I've been toying with the idea. I'd even bought the fabric. I'd made up some of it but stopped because I didn't have a reason to finish it. When I found out about the dance, I knew I had to finish. It wasn't easy, all this hand sewing. It's great, isn't it?" She twirled around. Turning to Rachel, she said, "Look at you. See, it's not so bad wearing a dress?"

Gar said, "Yeah, I'm kinda surprised to see she's really wearing a dress."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's just, um, you and long sleeves …sweatshirts, uh …" Gar stammered.

Vic tried to help Gar out. "I think he's trying to say the dress is a nice change for you, cuz you're always covered up or something."

Rachel crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. Irritated, she said, "You think I have something to hide because I wear long sleeves all the time? What? You think I'm a cutter or something. I've told you, I'm not like other girls."

"I don't think that's what they mean. We've just never seen your arms. That's kinda suspicious. Ya know, ya can't blame us for wondering." Wally said. Seeing Jinni's glare he quickly finished, "But there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with being weird."

Rachel groaned and turned away from them. She said mainly to herself, "Why did I come to this thing? Who are they to criticize or analyze what I wear?" Kori, Jinni and Karen tried to calm Rachel down.

Karen said, "I don't think they mean anything. They're just being stupid guys. They know nothing about fashion."

"Karen's right, have you seen some of the things they wear?" Jinni laughed.

Kori agreed, "I think some of Gar's thing could walk off on their own."

"Maybe you're right? Maybe I'm too sensitive about some things?" They heard Terra laughing. Rachel turned around and saw Terra flirting with Gar. Rachel turned back around. "Ugh, I can't believe her. Look at her; she's practically hanging on him."

The three said at the same time, "Oooo, you like him."

"No, I don't!" said Rachel, a little too quickly. "I don't like him, not …like that. We're all just friends, right? I mean, I know some of you really like some of the guys, but basically we're all friends."

"Yes, friendship is the center of our relationships. We must focus on the friendship. Why is it you got upset about Terra and Gar if you do not have feelings for him?" asked Kori.

"I don't have those kinds of feelings for him. Like I said we're all just friends."

"Riiight, then why you looked like you wanted to pull her hair out?" said Jinni.

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, I think it has more to do with how I feel about Terra than what I feel about Gar."

Karen said, "Guess I'll go see if I can distract her."

Jinni said, "Thanks, Karen. What do you mean?"

"I agree, I do not understand? I thought we all got along. Are we not all friends?"

The dark-haired girl sighed, "We are friends. It's just that sometimes Terra and I don't always …see things the same way. It's nothing. I've probably imagined things. Don't worry." She sighed again, "I guess I should go apologize to the guys."

When they joined their friends, Karen was talking to Terra and Kole, away from the others. Rachel went over to Gar, Vic and Wally. She was playing with the ends of her hair, twining it around her fingers. "Um, sorry I kinda snapped at you guys. I'm new to all of this, not really used to the whole dress and dance thing."

Gar shrugged his shoulders, "Hey, it's okay; it's no problem. We probably shouldn't have said anything about it."

"No, it was my fault. You didn't really say anything wrong. Guess I'm just overly sensitive about things like that. I overreacted, sorry I snapped."

Gar repeated, "No problem, don't worry about it. Dudes and dudettes, tonight's about havin' fun. C'mon, Rae, let's dance." He tried to pull her on to the dance floor.

Rachel shook her head, "I don't dance."

"Aww, come on, Rae," whined Gar.

"No and it's Rachel, not Rae, not Rach."

Gar tried, "What about Chel or Chelly?"

"No."

Gar grumbled, "Aww, you're no fun."

"Never said I was."

Terra came up to them. She grabbed Gar's arm and pulled him towards the dance floor. "C'mon, Gar, I love this song. It's one of my favorites."

To Rachel Gar said, "I'll check with you later, Rae-ch-el" As they walked away he said to Terra, "Didn't you say that about that other song?"

Terra giggled as she glared over her shoulder to Rachel. "Yeah, so, can't a girl have a lotta favorites?"

Rachel rolled her eyes again. 'She's really getting on my nerves but maybe I should try to get along with her. After all, she was friends with them first. Rachel watched her friends and everyone else dance, have fun.

* * *

Everyone decided to take a break from dancing. Some went get a snack while the others went over to Rachel.

A guy walked up to the group of friends. He draped his arm around Rachel's shoulders. "So, who's your new friend? I don't think we've met."

Rachel slipped away from him and glared at the guy with short blond hair. "Roy, leave her alone," said Jinni.

He repeated, "I don't think we've met. You must be new or not go to school here. Thought I knew all the hot girls at JCHS. I'm Roy …"

Rachel interrupted him and flatly said, "You're Roy Harper, I know. And your goal is to score every 'hot' girl in school." She rolled her eyes, disgusted.

"So then why haven't I met you before? I'd remember a hot little thing like you."

"You do know her, she's Rachel Roth."

"Goth Roth? Hmm, could've fooled me. Never would've guessed you'd have a body like that under all those layers." Rachel let out an exasperated sigh. He went up to Rachel. "So, what are you doing next week?"

Vic stepped between them "Leave her alone."

Roy said, "Sorry, I thought you were here with Karen. Didn't know she was here with you."

Vic said, "She's not with me. We're all here as friends."

"C'mon, Vic, what's wrong with a guy wantin' to have some fun with a pretty girl?" Roy put his hand on Vic's shoulder. "You understand, don't you? You like pretty girls; after all, you're kinda going with Karen. I'm just lookin' for some fun. It's not like I'm gonna hurt her."

"Back off, Rachel doesn't need you messin' with her," Vic said protectively.

"Did you come here to hit on every girl or did you come with someone?" asked Richard.

Wally said, "Dude, if you have a date then she not gonna be happy you're hitting on Rachel."

"Of course I'm here with someone. She went off with her friend to check their makeup or something," said Roy. He went over to Rachel and tried to hit on her again.

She brushed him off. "You're a persistent jerk. I'm not gonna go out with you."

Irritated with have to work so hard he said, "Why, are you not allowed to date? Does daddy think his little princess is too young to be going on dates? Are you that precious to him?"

Angry that he brought up her father she pushed Roy hard enough that he took a few steps back. "Shut up," she growled, "You don't know anything."

Her friends were surprised by Rachel's outburst. Vic asked, "Hey, Rae, are you okay?"

Crossing her arms she said, "Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine."

A female's voice said, "Of course she's 'fine'. You know like fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional."

Everyone turned to see Kitten in a raspberry pink dress. It was strapless and had a sweetheart neckline. It was fitted and floor-length. It flared at the knee forming a skirt at three hemline. Several rows of ruffles wrapped around the dress. The ruffles started at the neckline, went around the dress and ended at the hem. Cami was with her in a red floor-length dress with a deep v-neckline and a deep plunging V-shaped back. The back was accented with silver beads and sequins to look like a jewelry.

Kitten continued, "Roy, leave her alone. You don't want to screw around with her, she's nothing. The little freak tries to act like nothing bothers her, that she's an ice queen. But everyone knows she's just a scared little girl. She's always looking for acceptance and approval. I'm surprised you actually found someone to take you in. You know it's just because they pity you."

"Kitten, nobody here wants you spewing your venom around here. Go way."

Kitten rolled her eyes. "What-ever. Like anyone would want to hang out with you losers." She walked off whispering to Cami.

Roy didn't follow them. "Sorry about her, sometimes she's a little harsh. It take a while to get 'er to open up."

Kitten saw that Roy didn't follow her. "Roy!" she called out, "Come here, now!"

Roy grimaced but followed the two girls.

Kole said straight-faced, "Oh yeah Kitten's a shrinking violet." Everyone else laughed.

Rachel said, "Go, dance, have fun."

Kori's concerned. "Are you sure? I want you to be having fun as well."

"I am having fun." She smiled, realizing she was telling the truth. "I'm having fun watching you guys dance. I also like seeing all the dresses. Trust me, tonight's turning out better than I thought it would. I could've done with out Kitten, though." Kori still looked unsure. "Richard, take Kori out there and show her a good time."

* * *

Rachel stood by and watched everyone else dancing and having fun. Sometimes a guy came up to her and tried to get her to dance. Every time she turned them down. After a few songs, one of her friends tried to get her to join them and dance. She refused each time they asked. As she watched everyone, she thought about what Kitten said. 'You're wrong, Kitten, they are my friends. They don't pity me. I don't know, maybe there was a little of that in the beginning but not now. I can't stand you, Kitten, why can't you just leave me alone.' While she watched her friends having fun, she noticed a guy watching her. She crosses her arms and leans against the wall. She hoped that if she looked bored, he'll go away.

After Garth, Jinni and Kori unsuccessfully tried to her Rachel to join them on the dance floor; the guy walked over to her. "Why would you get dressed up and come to the dance if you're not gonna dance?"

Rachel looked over to see a guy who was maybe sixteen. He had dark brown hair and expressive warm brown eyes. She uncrossed her arms enough to indicate to herself, "This, it's most likely a one time thing. "

He said, "I still don't see why'd you come to the dance if you're not gonna dance and have fun."

"You're not dancing," she pointed out.

"I'm new here and my mom made me come but I have been dancing, trying to make some friends. What about you? If dances aren't your thing, why'd you come?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but my dad made me come." She looked back out to the crowd.

"Looks like our parents like to micromanage our lives sometimes. By the way I'm Jason Xavier and you're …?" he said.

"I'm Rachel Roth and I already have friends, I don't need anymore." She inwardly cringed, that came out harsher than she wanted. 'This guy is cute, why am I trying to push him away. Maybe Kitten's right after all; I'm just too afraid.'

As if he was reading her mind, he smirked, "If you'd lighten up, stop being so afraid, you might be able to have some fun."

The raven-haired girl turned back to him. "Hey, I do have fun. I just don't like dances."

Seeing Rachel blush, he smiled. "Okay, so where would you want to be if you if you weren't here, at the library?"

"Yes, actually I would. I enjoy reading, there's nothing wrong with that. There are other things I like to do but I'm not going to tell you. And I'm not afraid. If I wanted to, I could go out there. I just don't want to."

Jason chuckled, he was surprised he guessed right. "Okay, if you say so, Bubbles. I'm gonna go see some of my other new friends. I'll be back later to see if you've changed your mind about dancing."

"I highly doubt it." As she watched him walk away Rachel wondered, 'Bubbles? What did he mean by that?'

* * *

Rachel saw everyone having fun, whether they're dancing or talking. Even the chaperones seemed to be having fun. Rachel decided to dance. The song wasn't too fast. Her friends were excited to have her join them. After a few songs, a slow song starts. Everyone seemed to become couples, leaving Rachel by herself on the dance floor. It was almost as if it was musical chairs and she was left out.

Every time she tried to leave the dance floor, her path was blocked. Rachel was separated from her friends. They didn't know that Rachel felt trapped. As the dancing teens surrounding her began to laugh, the somber-eyed girl felt the panic building in her. She was afraid something like this would happen. Rachel struggled to keep her angry and embarrassed tears in check. She couldn't, she wouldn't let them see her cry.

Jason noticed Rachel dancing, he smiled. She was a little awkward as she shyly danced. He decided to go over and tease her about dancing. When she's separated from her friends and the music suddenly slows. She was left alone; he could almost sense her panic. Jason heard some of the comments made about Rachel. That girl's such a freak; She's a loser; So she can dress up, doesn't mean she's not a freak; Kitten is brilliant, her plan is going just as she said it would; Aww look, the freak's gonna cry.

Jason didn't know who Kitten was but he decided he didn't like her. He had only talked to Rachel a few minutes but she seemed okay, a little cold maybe. But that could be because she was shy; he didn't know. He was curious about her. He wondered if he could get her to open up more. She got out there and danced, not that that had anything to do with him. Maybe she only went out there as some sort of challenge.

He went up to Rachel, touched her shoulder and said, "There you are Bubbles. I've been looking for you."

She looked up at him with an expression that was a mixture of confusion and distress. "Jason? Wh-what?"

"I'm here for that dance you promised me." Jason took one of her hands. She still looked very confused. He instructed her, "Put your hands on my shoulders, we're gonna dance." Rachel hesitantly put her hands on Jason's shoulders. When he placed his hands at her waist, she took a step back. They were about as far apart as they could be and still be slow dancing. Jason chuckled softly, "We could probably get a little closer. It's not like this is a parochial school or something."

Rachel closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She took a step closer to Jason. He felt her relax some. Without looking at him, she whispered, "Thank you."

"Why? I'm just getting the dance you promised me."

Rachel looked up at him, confused. "But I didn't ,I …"

"Guess I misunderstood. But since we're here, we might as well have fun."

Rachel glanced around. Everyone was watching them and talking about them. She didn't really like that but they have stopped laughing at her. A small smile formed on her lips. She repeated, "Thank you."

When the song ended Rachel slowly stepped away from Jason. "Um, I should probably go find my friends. Thanks again for the dance."

Jason shrugged, "It was just one dance. I didn't do anything special." He turned to leave. Rachel called out, "Hey, um, you said you were new in town?" Jason nodded. "Maybe I could show you around sometime. I mean, I don't know where everything is but maybe I could help. Or maybe some of my friends could."

He chuckled, "Sure, that'd be cool. See ya around school, Bubbles."

As Rachel told her friends about Kitten's plan and dancing with Jason, she wondered again what 'bubbles' meant. Kori nearly crushed Rachel when she heard about Jason. Rachel tried to brush it off but she thought she might like him, a little.

* * *

Rachel was going towards the stairs when Trigon called out, "Rach?"

She cringed at that nickname. Poking her head in the study, "Yeah, Dad?"

"I just wanted to see how the dance went."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "It was okay, I guess." They just look at each other for a moment. Rachel felt like her father wanted to say more. Since he didn't say anything, she turned to leave. She stopped when she heard him clear his throat. Again, they just looked at each other.

Finally, Trigon spoke. "Um, Rach, what do you think of Slade?"

That question surprised Rachel. She knew she had to be careful answering. She didn't want to upset her father by letting him know that Slade gave her the creeps. "Mr. Wilson? He seems, um, smart?" 'What is this about?'

"He is, he's very smart and tough, as business partner," said Trigon. "I would want him on my side in any fight; whether that fight's in the boardroom or otherwise." Rachel wondered where this conversation was going. He continued, "I just don't trust him with my daughter. Promise me you'll never be alone with him."

Rachel was thrown off by her father's request. "Um, okay, but why do you say that?"

He retorted, "It doesn't matter why. Are you going to do what I asked?" She agreed to that before going up to bed.

As climbed into bed, Rachel thought about the dance. 'I guess it wasn't that bad.' She blushed thinking about the attention she got, all because she was wearing a dress. Her thoughts turned to her conversation with her dad. 'Where did that come from? Did he sense how I felt with Slade here tonight? Dad's being protective. He's never really been like that before. Sure, he'd probably pull me out of the path of an oncoming car, but he doesn't give a second thought to hitting me. Why now? Was it something I've done or said? Or was it Slade? Did he say something while I was at the dance? I don't know. I do know that I do not have a problem with wanting to avoid him. I'll never figure dad out.' Rachel fell asleep and did something she never thought she'd do, she dreamt about the dance.


	9. Chapter 9: I'm So Sick

**Chapter 9: I'm So Sick**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, Flyleaf or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **"I will … / … bliss, selfishness"-I'm So Sick, Flyleaf**

* * *

Early Saturday morning, Vic had to get some groceries. As he drove by a local park, he noticed Rachel sitting on a park bench under a tree. She was away from everyone else and appeared to be studying.

Later that afternoon, Vic went to the same park to play basketball. He was surprised to see Rachel still there. She was in the same spot. She was still studying so he didn't bother her. After playing a few hours, he went over to her. "Hey, Rae, whatcha doin'?" She jumped. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya. Mind if I join ya?"

Rachel picked up the pen she dropped. She shrugged, "Don't worry about it. I just wasn't expecting anyone. But sure, sit if you want to."

He teased her, "Not with your boyfriend today?"

"Jason's not my boyfriend."

"Really? Cuz you've spent all your free time with him this week, ever since the dance."

"He's new here and we just seem to have a lot to talk about."

He laughed, "You, talking a lot? Sure you two aren't kissing a lot?"

Rachel glared up at her friend.

Ignoring her, Vic picked up a book as he sat. He flipped through it. "So, doin' homework?"

"No, just sort of copying some things." Vic picked another book, it's a cookbook. He gave her a curious look.

She explained, "At the library, I found some books with recipes and sewing and knitting patterns that are similar to those my mom did. I don't know if they're the same but they're close to what I remember. And sometimes, I think my handwriting reminds me of my mom's. I know it's a crazy idea. I just thought I could …uh pretend to have something from my mom. Dumb idea, right?"

Flipping through a cookbook, Vic said, "Naw, I get it. You want to be close to your mom. Sometimes, I cook things my mom used to make. It's almost like she's there with me." He saw the recipe she just finished copying. "Thanksgiving dinner? You're gonna cook a turkey?"

Rachel laughed quietly, "No, of course not, but I helped my mom one year. I helped her with everything for that thanksgiving. I think I was nine. I even helped her prepare the turkey. Ew, that was so gross, cleaning the turkey. I'm surprised I'm not a vegetarian like Gar. I probably would be except I don't like most vegetables."

Vic let out a hearty laugh. "Girl, you're crazy, in a good way."

They talked some more. Flipping through the cookbooks, he shared some memories. Looking at all that food made Vic hungry. He had an idea. "Hey,wanna come to my house for dinner? My grandma just moved in and she'd love to meet one of my friends."

"Are you sure? I don't want to barge in on your family. Maybe you won't have enough food made."

"Are you kidding? We probably have enough food to feed you for a week."

Rachel thought for a minute. She didn't like meeting new people, but she didn't want to go home yet. Trigon was in a bad mood because some business deal didn't go his way. He'd probably be working with Slade tonight. "Okay, as long as you're sure."

"Of course, there's always plenty of food in the Stone household."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "Really? Because I've seen the way you eat. If it's not nailed down, you'll probably eat it."

"Ha-ha, aren't you funny. Come on, let's go. I'll carry some of your things."

"Okay, just a minute, I should call my dad and let him know where I'll be." She thought as she dialed, 'Not that he cares.' When she called home and told her father she'd be at Vic's house, he didn't question her, even though he'd never met Vic.

They entered Vic's house, he called out, "Hey all, I'm back and I brought a friend for dinner." Vic's dad and grandmother came to meet Rachel. "This is my friend, Rachel Roth. She's kinda new to our group. I ran into her at the park. We got to talking about food so I asked her over. That's okay, right?"

Vic's dad, Silas said, "No problem. Your friends are always welcome. So, Rachel, a little thing like you, is into food like my son?"

Rachel said flatly, "No one could eat like Vic. He'd eat a burger the size of his car if given the chance."

Vic's grandmother, Gayle and his dad laughed. "She's got your number, my boy," he said.

Laughing, Vic said, "I'm gonna take a quick shower. Be down in a few minutes."

Gayle said to Rachel, "Why don't you come and help me finish things."

"Okay, but I'm not very good in the kitchen."

"Well, then you can keep me company."

Something in the kitchen smelled delicious and Rachel mentioned that. "That would be my famous bacon macaroni and cheese," said Gayle, "It's one of Vic's favorites."

Rachel stood by and watched Gayle cook. After a few minutes she said "I feel like I should do something to help. Is there anything very easy that I could do?"

Gayle had Rachel start making the salad. Then she showed Rachel how to finish the biscuits. After struggling to keep the sleeves of her wool sweater out of the way, Rachel decided to roll them up.

It was late September but the weather was still warm. Gayle noticed Rachel's action and commented on it. "Victor said you weren't like some of the other girls."

Rachel looked down at her hands. "Yeah, I guess I'm not very normal."

"Honey, nothing in life is normal except the cycle on the washing machine."

Rachel truly smiled for the first time since entering Vic's house.

Gayle smiled back and said, "So you don't do much in the kitchen?"

Rachel shrugged, "Not really." She thought a moment. "I used to help my mom a lot. She was a good cook. I guess I didn't inherit that."

"What part of your mama did you inherit?"

Rachel took a moment before answering. She had to think about it. "Um, I guess I'd have to say my hair and eyes. They're the same color as hers."

"You have soulful eyes. And what did you get from your dad?"

Without giving it a second thought, Rachel said, "My stubbornness."

Gayle said, "Victor told me that it's just you and your dad. That you moved here a few years ago."

* * *

Rachel smiled sadly, "Mom got sick and after she was gone we just couldn't stay there. Dad had always wanted to move to a big city. Plus the headquarters for his company is here in Jump City."

"I'm sorry about your mom. Was she sick long?"

Rachel sighs, "I was in sixth grade when she started seeing doctors. A few years later she was gone." She wondered, 'Why am I telling her this? I don't tell anyone about my family. If anyone ever asks, it's just: it's dad and me, mom's gone. No one asks anything else so I never say anything more. Why does everyone seem to care all of the sudden? Why should they care?

Gayle gives her a hug. "I'm so sorry. It must be hard on you and your dad. I know it's been hard for Silas and Victor after they lost Elinore in the car accident."

Shrugging her shoulders Rachel said, "It's been tough at times." The two females continue cooking in silence.

Vic was about to enter the kitchen but stopped when he heard his grandmother ask Rachel a question. Gayle asked, "Would you like to come over here sometime, I could give you some cooking lessons?

There was silence while Rachel thought about it. Vic was afraid she'd turn down his grandmother, just as she turned down most things. Vic knew that Rachel wasn't like most girls. He believed her when she said she liked to be alone. But a part of him felt sorry for her. He thought she might be lonely. If her father was anything like his dad was, he probably threw himself into his work. He understood if Rachel sometimes felt ignored by her father.

He smiled when he heard Rachel say, "Guess I could come over every now and then, …if you don't mind teaching me. I don't know how good I'll be."

Vic waited a few minutes before entering the kitchen. He didn't want Rachel to suspect he'd been listening. "Hey grandma, what smells so good? Is that my favorite? If I'd known you were making this I'd have been home sooner."

Gayle nudged Rachel with her elbow, as if she was saying 'told you it was his favorite.'

The two family members chatted while the three set the table. Rachel stared at all the food on table. 'Vic was right. There's enough food here to feed me for at least a week.'

A part of Rachel was envious of Vic and his interaction with his family. She noticed at times he and his dad were sometimes strained but for the most part, they got along. She knew she was "the quiet one" but she wished she was comfortable enough to be open with others.

She was thinking about that when Silas interrupted her thoughts, "So Rachel, what are you going to make for your first cooking lesson?"

"How did you know?"

"Mom likes to cook and she's always giving lessons. You'd think she had her own show, the way she gave lesson when I was a kid," said Silas. "What are you going to make?"

"I don't know," Rachel turned to Gayle, "what should I make?"

"Well, is there anything you've been want to make?" Rachel shook her head. "I can cook or bake just about anything. If I don't know how, then we have plenty of cookbooks."

Vic asked Rachel, "What about a favorite dessert?" He then asked his grandmother, "Do I get sample the things you girls make?"

"Brownies?" answered Rachel, more like a question than a statement. "Are you sure you want to eat anything I make? I don't want to be accused of poisoning you."

Everyone was enjoying dinner when someone knocked on the door. It was more like pounding instead of knocking. Trigon yelled "Rachel, get out here!"

Everyone looked around the table. Rachel's shoulders dropped, she thought, 'Great. It's dad.'

Trigon kept pounding on the door. "Rachel Tara Roth, get out here now!"

As they went to the door, Rachel apologized. "Sorry, that's my dad. I guess there must be something urgent."

Silas and Vic cautiously opened the door. They found a very angry Trigon on the other side of the door. "Where is she?" he growls.

Rachel stepped up to the door, "Dad? What is wro …?"

Trigon grabbed Rachel's arm and pulled her away from Vic and the others. He snarled, "We're going home, now."

Vic stood in front of them, blocking their way to the car hastily parked in the driveway. "She's not going anywhere with you. Not while you're acting like this."

Trigon shoved Vic aside.

Vic growled, "You did not just push me?" He got in Trigon's face ready to fight. The teen was nearly as tall as the angry father was. However, Vic was a little more muscular due to football.

"Vic! Victor! Stop!" Rachel stepped between two fuming males. She tried to push Vic away from her father. "Vic, it's alright. Thank you for being concerned but I'll be okay. He's just angry. He's not gonna hurt me." She hoped she wasn't lying.

Trigon glared at everyone before he told Rachel, "I'm going to the car, you have one minute."

Vic looked down at her. "Are you sure you'll be okay? You shouldn't have to go with him if you're afraid."

"It's okay. He's angry but he won't hurt me," Rachel repeated. "Thank your grandmother again for the cooking lesson. Thanks for having me over." Trigon called for her. She called back that she'd be there in a minute. To Vic she said, "I'm sorry he messed things up. I'll see you at school."

Rachel hurried to the car. Vic and his family watched with concern as Trigon speed out of the driveway.

Rachel was angry and embarrassed. "What was that about?"

"I didn't know you were having dinner there."

"I told you I was going to be at Vic's house. You said it was okay. So what's this all about?" Her voice trailed off as she got an idea about why he was upset. "Is this because Vic's black?"

Trigon growled, "I don't want you getting 'involved' with one of them."

Her father's reaction shocked Rachel. "I'm not 'involved' with him. Vic and I are just friends. All of us in the group are just friends. I think Vic looks at Kori and me as his sisters."

They continued to argue about Rachel's friends and the possibility of her having boyfriends.

Rachel said, "Nothing's gonna happen. I'm not gonna …Dad! Look out!"

Trigon swerved to avoid hitting something in the middle of the street. To keep from hitting a tree, he slammed on the breaks. The car jolted to a stop. The two were sent forward.

Trigon slowly sat up. He turned off the car. He looked over to Rachel who was carefully drawing back from the dashboard. "Are you okay?" She was trying to calm down her panicked breathing. He's seen her scared expression before. He's seen his daughter struggle to suppress her fears many times.

"What happened?" her voice wavered.

"What the hell was that thing back there?" He thought Rachel still looked shaken. Trigon asked her again, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I, I think so. How about you, are you okay?"

Trigon nodded, "Yeah, I think I'm going to have a bruise but I'll be al right." He's been studying his daughter. He turned her head to the side. She had a cut on her forehead. "You have a small cut; it's more like a scratch. You'll be fine. I'm going out to check on the car."

Pain shoot up Rachel's left arm, causing her to wince. She looked down to see what's wrong.

Trigon's finished checking out the car. Everything seemed all right. He heard the panic in his daughter's voice when she called for him. He looked in on her. Rachel was gently cradling her wrist that was swelling and turning black and blue.

Rachel murmured, "I think it's broken."

Trigon reached for her arm, "Let me see." When he touched it, she whimpered in pain. "Damn, we'll have to go to the hospital."

Rachel was trying to suppress a wave of nausea that was come over her. She whispered, "Sorry."

Trigon groaned. Everything about that night was irritating him. On the way to the hospital he told her, "We have to get your wrist checked out, but don't tell them anything."

Rachel had her eyes closed. She was trying to stay calm. "I know that. You swerved to avoid hitting something in the middle of the road. Any other injuries I have are because I'm a klutz. You have nothing to do with it."

"Good girl."

He helped her into the hospital. "Let me do the talking."

Rachel was surprised to hear her father sound so concerned. She thought, 'It's all an act. He doesn't care.'

Sitting in the waiting room, Rachel began to shiver; she was going into shock. Rachel's pallid complexion truly did concern Trigon. Even after beatings, he had never seen her as pale as that.

In the exam room, the nurse needed to cut the sleeve of Rachel's sweater so she could examine her wrist. Rachel refused, "No, this is my mom's sweater."

The nurse said, "Sweetie, honey, you're mom will understand. She won't be mad at you. She …"

Rachel whined, "No. She made this sweater; it was hers. She can never make another. She's gone, I don't have her anymore."

The nurse tried again. "I'll be careful. I'll cut it along the seam so you can sew it back up. We need to get your wrist free."

"No!" Pain and determination covered Rachel's face. "I'll take it off myself." Before anyone could say or do anything, Rachel began to slide her sleeve over her wrist that was now swollen to twice the normal size.

* * *

Trigon had to help Rachel out of the car. With one arm around her waist and the other one at her uninjured arm, he guided her up the front stairs. He was careful not to touch her cast. Rachel was a little unsteady. He asked her, "Sure you're all right? You were very quiet in the car, quieter than usual."

Rachel murmured, "I'm …tired. The painkillers make me …feel like I'm in a …haze."

He leaned her against the house while he unlocked the door. After opening the door, he turned in time to see his daughter slump down along the wall. He rushed over to her. He caught her before she fell over onto her newly cast arm. "Rachel?"

"I'm …okay." Rachel's eyes fluttered open a few times before closing again.

He cautiously gathered his daughter into his arms. Taking care to protect her injured wrist, he picked her up. It surprised him how small she seemed. It has been years since he's had to carry her to bed because she fell asleep. Trigon carried her into the house and carefully laid Rachel on the sofa.

"Rach, Rachel, wake up," he said trying to get her to come around.

She struggled to open her eyes. "So …sleepy." She started to close her eyes again.

Clutching her shoulders, he gave her a slight shake. "Rachel, come on, wake up." Her eyes opened slightly. "Rachel, does your head hurt?" He was worried about her having a concussion.

"No …not …hurts. Just …so …so …tired. Please…sleep."

Trigon draped a throw over her, "Okay, rest for awhile."

Rachel fell asleep as her father called the doctor. The doctor reassured him that she was fine as long as her breathing was steady. He just needed to check on her throughout the night.

After a while, Trigon checked on her. She was just sleeping; she was all right. While watching his daughter sleep he thought of his wife, 'Angela, I didn't realize I was so scared tonight. Rachel was so pale and in so much pain. I've never seen her like that.'

Trigon got up and walked around the room. He stopped When he saw his daughter's phone. He picked it up and flipped through the contacts. He looked at the new numbers. Some numbers belonged to boys. Rachel never had so many friends and she'd never had boys as friends.

Trigon groaned as he set the phone down. 'It looks like our little girl is growing up. She's getting interested in boys. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here, Angela. You were always so good with her. She's a lot like you. Not only in looks, she's also overly sensitive about things. She's getting to be a handful. Sometimes I have to…' he sighed, 'I don't know what to do with her.'

* * *

Rachel began to wake up. She could tell she wasn't in her room. Opening her eyes, she saw that she was in the family room. The whole house was dark except for the moonlight shining through the family room windows.

Shifting, she felt the weight of the cast on her arm. She groaned, remembering that she broke her wrist. Hearing a noise, she looked to the chair next to the sofa. Rachel blinked a few times to make sure she was seeing things clearly. She was; her father was asleep in the chair.

She wondered why he would be sleeping in the chair. 'It's not like he cares, or does he. I've never been hurt bad enough to go to the hospital. Maybe he got scared into caring about me.' Rachel shifted around trying to find a comfortable position. As she fell asleep she thought, 'Wonder how long this will last?'

Rachel woke up to the sound and smell of bacon frying on the stove. It was morning but she had no idea what time it was. She tried to push the throw aside but she's tangled in it.

Hearing his daughter waking up Trigon went over to see how she was. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess. I still feel a little tired but not bad. I wish I didn't have this," she held up her wrist with the cast, "I can't do anything with it on."

Trigon helped her get untangled. "It's a little before ten. Want something to eat? I've made up some bacon and I can have pancakes done in no time."

Rachel winced some as she shrugged her shoulders. She went to the kitchen table. "You mean I slept more than twelve hours?"

Placing a plate of bacon on the table Trigon said, "Well, I guess you needed your rest to start healing. Besides you said the painkillers made you exhausted."

Not remembering anything after getting to the hospital, Rachel asked, "Did I, um say anything else?

"No," he sat down with a stack of pancakes, "you just refused to let the nurse take off your sweater. You insisted on taking it off yourself because it belonged to Angela. When'd you start wearing her stuff?"

Rachel took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn't get in trouble. "I found some of mom's things in the closet in the guest room. I found them over the summer. I didn't think you'd mind so I didn't ask. I'm sorry, but they help me feel close to her."

"No. that's fine. I just never noticed you wearing her things. Guess that explains why things looked big on you; Angela was taller than you."

They ate in silence for a while. Trigon asked, "Did you sleep all right on the sofa?"

Rachel nodded, "Why was I sleeping on the sofa anyway?"

"The doctor wanted me to keep an eye on you."

"Oh," she simply said. 'He only did it because the doctor told him to.'

Trigon began clearing off the table. "You could have had a concussion. I was very worried about you. I didn't want anything like what happened to Angela happening to you."

"Oh," Rachel repeated dumbly. 'He was …worried?'

* * *

Rachel struggled to switch her books at lunchtime. She was having trouble getting the books on the top shelf of her locker while being careful of her wrist.

Vic came up to her, "Hey Rae, I brought the things you left at my house. Did your dad finally calm down? What was his problem anyway? I wanted to call you last night but my dad told me to wait." When he saw her cast, concern then anger crossed his features. "What happened to you? Did your dad do that to you? I'll kick his ass if he did."

Rachel had to wave her good arm in front of him to get his attention and stop his raving. "Vic! No, my dad didn't to this. We were in a car accident. Seriously, you're gonna beat up my dad?"

"If I find out he did this to you, I will. What kind a guy hurts his daughter like that?"

The two went through the cafeteria doors looking for their friends. In a harsh whisper, Rachel said, "Victor! He didn't touch me. This was an accident." Vic still looked a little suspicious but let up some when they found the others.

Gar cried out, "Dude, what happened to you?"

"Her dad did this to her," Vic scowled. The others were shocked.

Rachel glared at Vic, "No, he had nothing to do with it. We were in a car accident. Something was in the street. He swerved and this happened."

"Oh, how scary," said Kori full of concern. "What was in the road? I hope it was not a kid or a puppy."

"Don't know. We just saw something but we don't know what it was. It was gone by the time my dad got out of the car."

Getting excided, Gar said, "Dude, bet ya it was a zombie or an alien. Oooh, could've been a vampire."

Gar received a glare from each of them. Rachel said flatly, "You are so messed up."

Richard asked, "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday, early in the evening. It was still daylight so it wasn't a vampire."

"Hold on, dude, if it happened yesterday, why didn't I see your cast this morning in class?"

Rachel poked at her food. "Uh, you were late to class."

"Oh yeah, that's right, I was talking to Terra." Rachel rolled her eyes at the mention of Terra.

"I have an idea," said Kori. They could practically see the light bulb form over Kori's head. "I will take notes for you in history. Everyone who has the same classes should do the same."

"Thanks, Kori, but it's my left wrist that's broken. I'm right-handed so I can still write."

Kori shrugged, "I will still take careful notes in case you need them. I think we should do anything to help our friend in her time of need."

* * *

Jason met Rachel under the same tree on the edge of school property. It was where he's met her all last week. Of course, he found her reading. He was surprised to see she was wearing a cast. "Hey, what happened to you?"

She groaned, she was tired of explaining what happened. "Knew I should've made a sign to give details about this." Jason raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. I just think I've had to explain the cast at least a million times." A small smile crossed her lips, "But I don't mind telling the story once more." Her smile faded, "I was in a car accident. My dad was driving and swerved to miss hitting something."

"Oh my god, was anyone else hurt?"

"My dad got a few bruises but I got the worst of it." She frowned, 'As usual.'

"That doesn't explain these." Jason picked up one of Rachel's long braids. He waved in front of her face.

"These are Kori's idea. With only one hand to use, I had trouble keeping my hair out of the way. She came up with this brilliant idea. I don't mind wearing my hair in a single braid, occasionally. But two braids, ugh, I know she was trying to help. But they make me feel like I'm a little girl."

"Well, I think they're cute."

"Really? Then maybe we need to get you a wig so you can have braids. You'd look absolutely adorable." He laughed. They started to think up different wig and color combinations for their friends. Before long, they were laughing uncontrollably. Rachel didn't know the last time she had laughed like that. She has laughed some with her new friends but not like this. Not the type of laugh that made your sides hurt and tears form in your eyes.

They began to settle down after their hysterical laughing fit. Jason looked at Rachel. Her cheeks were slightly pink from laughing so hard. He thought she looked pretty with some color on her cheeks.

He said, "You have a leaf in your hair; it must've fallen from the tree." Rachel was trying to find it. "Here, I'll help you."

Jason reached up to pick the leaf out of her hair. Their fingers touched. They froze. They gazed into each other's eyes. He leaned closer to her. Jason was so close, Rachel was sure he could hear her heart beating wildly. As he leaned in even closer, she held her breath. They closed their eyes. For a few seconds his lips gently caressed hers. They pulled apart. She blinked several times. 'My first …kiss. I can't believe he kissed me.'

Jason held up the leaf that was in her hair. Rachel took it from him. She whispered thank you. She was definitely blushing now.

She leaned over to Jason. After hesitating a second, she returned the kiss. They kissed a little longer this time. When they broke away, Rachel's face was beet-red. They were both smiling.

"Did you wanna get a coffee or something?" asked Jason.

Rachel nodded, "Okay, sure." Holding hands, they walked to small, neighborhood diner.

They choose a booth away from everyone else. Sitting opposite of one another, they gazed at the other one. They reached across the table. Their fingers were almost touching when the waitress appeared at their table. Rachel shyly pulled her hand away from his.

Jason looked up at the waitress. "Oh hi, mom. This is Rachel Roth."

His mother smiled, "So this is the Rachel? It's nice to meet the girl my son hasn't stopped talking about all week."

Jason groaned, "Mooom!"

Rachel blushed and smiled. She liked the idea that he had been thinking of her like she had been thinking of him.

Jason interrupted her thoughts. "This is my mom, Deborah." His mom wrinkled her nose.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Xavier."

"Naw, call me Debbie. So, what'll you two have?"

Jason ordered a cappuccino. Rachel asked, "Do you have herbal tea?" Debbie nodded. "Peppermint?"

"We have spearmint."

Rachel smiled, "Okay, I'll have a spearmint herbal tea."

While they waited for their drinks, they talked about school that day. Rachel hated that she broke her wrist but now she had a legitimate reason not to participate in P.E. She now got to work in the library, so she was happy.

When Debbie bought their order she also brought a plate of homemade cookies.

"Mom, you didn't need to do that."

"I know, I just thought you two might like a snack."

They continued to talk. Every time they reached for a cookie, their finger touched. Each time Rachel blushed She wore a small smile on her lips. Although she had a broken wrist, this was the happiest she had been in a long time.


	10. Chapter 10: The Only Exception

**Chapter 10: The Only Exception**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans or Paramore or any lyrics.**

* * *

 **"And I've … /… loneliness"-The Only Exception, Paramore**

* * *

At their lunch table, everyone was talking. Rachel just listened as usual. She usually didn't say much except to insert an occasional sarcastic comment. Sometimes she read or listened to music. The fact that it irritated some of her friends, like Terra, was just a bonus.

While reading, Rachel felt like someone was watching her. She looked up, scanned the cafeteria, and found his brown eyes. A small smile and slight blush crept onto her face. When he left, she looked back down at her book and smiled 'He snuck out of class to see me?'

Rachel didn't realize Kori saw their interaction across the crowded room. Rachel tried to go back to reading but she kept thinking about Jason. Again, Rachel felt like she was being watched. When she looked up, Rachel saw Kori was wearing a large grin and looking at her. Kori was giddy and almost dancing in her seat. Rachel creased her brow, "What?"

Kori just giggled and said, "Oh nothing."

When Kori kept, unsuccessfully, trying to stifle her giggles, Rachel slammed her book shut. She glared at the giggling redhead. "What? What's so funny?"

"Sorry." Kori tried to suppress her smile but her eyes still twinkled with excitement. "Um, Rachel would come with me to the hall? I want to talk with you."

Rachel looked at the others at the table and wondered if they knew why Kori was acting stranger than normal. Everyone was talking and not paying attention to them. Sighing, Rachel said, "Fine. If it'll stop this laughing fit you're having."

Kori clapped her hands. "Wonderful. Everybody, Rachel and I will be right back. We have to …go use the bathroom."

The two girls went to the restroom across from the cafeteria. Kori brushed her hair while she waited for a girl to leave. She checked to make sure they were alone. Rachel leaned against a sink with her arms crossed. "Okay, Kori what's this all about?"

"You like him, do you not?"

"What? Who?" Rachel was taken aback. How could Kori know? Does anyone else know?

"Jason Xavier, the new guy, the guy you danced with. You like one another, am I not right?"

Wide-eyed Rachel asked what she's been wondering, "How did you know?"

Kori clapped and jumped up and down. "This is glorious. You two will be a very cute couple."

The raven-haired girl put up her hand to stop her animated friend. "Wait, Kori stop, calm down. How do you know we like each other?"

On her fingers, Kori checked off her evidence, "One, you danced with him when you would not dance with any of your friends."

"That's not true. Towards the end I came out and danced with you guys."

Kori continued, "Two, you have been spending a lot of time after school with him."

"He's new here and I'm just showing him around." Rachel realized how lame that sounded as soon as the words left her mouth.

Kori knew she was right. "Three, I saw the look you gave each other a little while ago."

"You saw that?" Rachel was worried, "Do you think the others saw it too?"

"No, they did not see anything. So, it is true? You like Jason?"

Rachel wondered if she should lie to her jubilant friend. She didn't want Kori going crazy about this and telling everyone. Even though this is all new to her, she wanted to share her newfound happiness. With a small smile, she said, "Yeah, I think I like him."

"Marvelous!" Kori spun around with her hands clasped in front of her. "He is your boyfriend, right? Oh, I know, if Richard ever asks me out on a real date we can go on a double date. Will not that be the most fun?"

"We haven't gone on an official date yet but we have, um …we've kissed."

"Oh how spectacular!" Kori grabbed Rachel into a tight embrace.

"Uh, Kori …let go …air …need …" Rachel tried to push away the ecstatic girl.

With a sheepish grin, Kori apologized, "Oh sorry, I am just so happy for you. Oooh you are like that Taylor Swift song, 'Mine'. You are the guarded girl until you meet the guy." Kori gasped and whispered, "I wonder if he is the one?"

"'The one' what?"

Kori wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "You know the one you are destined to be with, your soul mate."

Rachel pulled away. "I'm almost sixteen. I highly doubt I'd find my soul mate in high school."

"My parents met in high school." Kori was noticeably sadder. "They were each others first love."

Rachel felt bad for Kori. Her friend's excitement was too much for Rachel but she didn't want her friend sad. "I possibly have a boyfriend so stranger things have happened." Kori cheered up some.

As they went back to the cafeteria, Kori got an idea, "You should come over to my house. We could share in girl talk."

* * *

Rachel was running late for her next class because she had to get her history paper from her locker. Deciding to take a shortcut, she went down a different hallway. That hallway only consisted of lockers no classrooms. It was a rather short hallway but Rachel tried to avoid it whenever possible. She has had more than a few run-ins with Kitten and her friends in that hallway.

Starting down the corridor, Rachel spotted Kitten making out with football player Fagen, also known as Fang do to his fascination with spiders and snakes. Rachel hoped she could get by them unnoticed. She was just passing them when Fang put his foot out, tripping Rachel. Kitten and Fang laughed as Rachel's books scattered on the floor.

Rachel groaned, "What do you want Kitten? I have to get to class." She knelt down to pick up her books.

Seeing a teacher come around the corner, Kitten flashed a smile and picked up a book. "I see you've got a boyfriend." The teacher passed by them and Kitten dropped the smile and the book. "Aren't you so special?"

"He's not my boyfriend, not that it's any of your business. Why do you care anyway? Aren't you with Fang right now?"

Kitten huffed, "Yeah, so. I'm with Fang but that doesn't mean I won't need another boyfriend. How'd you do it anyway? How'd you get the new guy to notice you? What did you do?"

"I don't even know what you're talking about. Move out of the way, I need to get to class." Rachel tried again to step around them but they blocked her.

"I don't get it." Kitten placed in front of Rachel and repeated "How'd you get the hot new guy to pay attention to you. Sure, the night of the dance you looked almost …human; not like some freak."

Rachel grumbled, "Gee, thanks."

Fang gave Rachel a slight shove. "Shut up while she's talkin'."

Purring thanks in Fang's ear, Kitten turned her attention back to Rachel. "Okay so you looked 'normal' at the dance but that doesn't explain things now. Shouldn't he see you as a loser? I mean look at you. It's not like you're pretty. You have that unattractive pale, pasty skin. Your hair just hangs there; it's so straight, almost stringy. Don't get me started on your hideous clothes. You have no sense of style but what else would you expect from a loser like you? I just don't see what he sees in you. You're never even close to being happy, who'd want to be around that?"

Rachel rolled her indigo eyes. "I don't have time for this."

When she tried to leave, Fang shoved her hard against the lockers. "Kitten asked you a question. She's not done with you."

Rachel glared up at him. "Ooh, aren't you tough? Picking on a girl, especially a girl in a cast. Talk about real losers."

While holding Rachel against the locker Fang turned to Kitten. "Want me to make her shut up?"

Kitten took one of Rachel's notebooks. She went over to the trash can and dropped it in. In a bored tone Kitten said, "Naw, I've wasted enough time with this loser." They left Rachel alone in the empty hall.

Rachel reached into the trash can, trying to get her notebook. It was just out of her reach. Her cast didn't make it any easier; it keeps getting in the way. She tried tipping the can some but it was no use. The notebook got closer to her but never close enough. Rachel checked the clock. She was late for class. She considered leaving the notebook and coming back for it later. She couldn't do that. She realized the notebook in the trash can had her history paper in it.

Frustrated, Rachel kicked the can. Noisily, it clattered onto its side. Red faced, Rachel looked around. No one seemed to have heard that. She reached in and grabbed her notebook, pulling out trash in the process. Most of it was just papers but it still made a mess. She shoved the trash back in and with some effort she got the can upright.

Rachel ran into class very late. Everyone turned to the door as she entered. "Sorry, I forgot my paper in my locker. I had to get it."

Mrs. McKee looked at Rachel suspiciously, "It took you over twenty minutes to get your paper from your locker? Your locker is in this building isn't it?" The class laughed until Mrs. McKee turned around. "Enough. Return to taking your test." She turned her attention back to Rachel. "Miss Roth, you expect me to believe it took that long to retrieve your paper. It seems to me, you weren't finished and took some extra time to finish it."

"No, it was done, I just forgot it."

Kori raised her hand, "Excuse me, Mrs. McKee?"

"Yes, Miss Anders?"

"Um, Rachel had her paper done. I saw it yesterday. We proofread each others paper."

"Thank you, Miss Anders. Everybody continue with your test. Miss Roth, we'll discuss this in the hall." Rachel resisted the urge to sigh and roll her eyes as she followed her teacher into the hall.

"Care to explain what really happened." Mrs. McKee, as well as most of the facility, was aware of the rumors that Rachel had had trouble with bullying.

Rachel has never told any adult about Kitten and the others and she wasn't going to do that now. "It's like I said, I forgot my paper." Sensing that her teacher wasn't going to let it drop, so she told an altered version of what happened. "Somebody bumped into me and I dropped the notebook it was in in a trash can. It took me awhile to get it out."

"Somebody just bumped into you, that's all?" Rachel nodded "Did you see you it was?" Rachel shook her head. "Why didn't you find somebody to help you?"

Rachel just shrugged "I dunno, I didn't want to bother anyone."

The older woman sighed "Okay, hand me your paper. You're too late to take the test, so your grade will have to be lowered."

"Mrs. McKee," Rachel protested, "I'm just a little late. I can still take the test I'll be quick. Please don't lower my grade."

"This test is a significant part of your grade. If you had been absent today, I would be able to give you a make up test."

"I could stay late and take it. Please Mrs. McKee, I can't get bad grade; I can't make my dad upset." She has never brought home bad grades, unless you counted P.E., which she didn't. She was afraid of what Trigon would do if she did.

Thinking she detected some panic in her student's eyes she said, "Okay, if you can stay after school then you can take a make up test."

Rachel almost smiled, "Thank you." For the first time, she was relieved to take a test.

"Wait out here until class is done, then you can take the test."

After her teacher returned to the classroom, Rachel sat on the floor. She had about a half hour before class was finished. She tried to study and ignore her itching wrist under the cast. She was startled when the bell rings.

Kori was the first one out of class. She helped Rachel up. "What really happened before you got to class?"

Rachel shook her head, "I'll tell you later." 'Maybe.'

"Do you wish for us to wait for you?" Mrs. McKee called for Rachel.

"No, it's okay. You guys go. I don't know how long I'll be."

"Okay, you can call me when you get home. There is much we can talk about. Good luck on the test." Kori waved good-bye as she walked down the hall into the crowd of students.

* * *

After taking her make up test, Rachel was sitting on the steps of the school. She tried not to let it bother her but Kitten's words kept creeping into her mind. She knew Kitten was just trying to make trouble. Her words weren't true. But Kitten had said some of Rachel's doubts aloud. Now Rachel was trying to reason her doubt away.

Richard had just finished practice and headed for his truck. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone sitting at the front of the school. He looked over and saw it was Rachel. He decided to go over and see if she needed a ride. "Hey Rachel, need a ride?"

He startled her, "Oh, hi Richard. Thanks but no, I'm just waiting for the city bus because I didn't feel like walking."

"You sure? I've got my truck so it's no problem. I just got done with practice. Why are you here so late?"

Shifting her backpack Rachel said, "Yeah, I'm sure. I had to stay late to take a make up test. I'm fine you go ahead and go. I'm sure the bus will be here soon."

"Okay, if you're sure. See ya tomorrow." He turned to leave.

A thought popped into her brain. "Wait. Could I ask you a question?" Richard sat next to Rachel and nodded. It took a moment but she continued. "Why would a guy like a girl?"

Richard was surprised by her question. "Um, I guess it's probably kinda the same reasons why a girl likes a guy."

Rachel thought for a second. "You like Kori, right? Well why, why do you like her?"

Richard started to turn red. He stammered, "Um, uh yeah, I uh guess I kinda like her. How'd you know?"

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Come on, you two are pretty obvious. You're always sitting or standing next to each other. You two light up when the other one enters the room."

"I didn't know we were so obvious."

Rachel laughed quietly. "So why do you like her? How did you know?"

He shrugged, "I dunno, Kori's pretty and outgoing."

"So a girl should be pretty for a guy to like her? That kinda limits my chances."

Richard said sternly, "Rachel, you are pretty. You shouldn't put yourself down so much."

"Okay, fine, whatever." She waved her hand as if to drop that subject. "We're not talking about me. We're talking about you and Kori. There are tons of girls who are pretty and outgoing, why Kori?"

Richard repeated, "I dunno. That's part of it, I guess. I also like her excitement, her enthusiasm for life." He sighed, "We both went though a hard time at different times of our life. Losing both your parents is very hard on a kid."

He studied his hands as he spoke. "You could be like me and hate God, the world, life, everything. But seeing my parent die put a lot of hate inside me. It wasn't healthy. It ate away at me.

"Whoa. I, I didn't know all that. I'm sorry; I hope you didn't think I was pushing you to share that."

Richard shook his head. "Kori went through the same type of thing but didn't let the darkness consume her. I'm not saying she's not sad or angry about what happened. She told me once she was very angry after her parents died. But she realized that her parents wouldn't want that for her. She decided to live her life for her parents. That's when she became her cheerful self again." He stopped and studied the sky for a few minutes. "It's because of Kori, Vic and Gar that I was able to climb out of the darkness."

"So you basically like Kori because she helped you?"

"That and I like how I feel around her. I wanna be my best."

They were both silent for a few minutes. When Rachel spoke she was fiddling with the zipper on her backpack. "Okay so that's why you like Kori but why would a guy like someone …like me?"

Richard chuckled, "You're asking why would a guy like you. Why wouldn't he? You're pretty, smart, funny …"

Rachel interrupted, "…a freak who's closed off to everyone. Why would somebody be interested in that?"

Even though he and the others have tried to tell Rachel she wasn't a freak, she didn't seem to hear them. Richard tried a different approach. "You lost your mom when you were in junior high, right?" Rachel nodded. She wondered where this was leading. "Kids at that age can sometimes be cruel. Maybe they sensed you were different so they lashed out on you. To protect yourself you threw up walls. When you moved here, you still had those walls up. Here, people like Kitten saw that and decided to torment you. They thought you were a freak. I suppose after hearing it enough times you started to believe them." She thought, 'You have no idea.'

He took her hand. She resisted the urge to pull her hand away. "But Rachel that's far from true. Listen to me you are not a freak. If anybody's a freak, I was."

"What? You? No way you were a freak. Seriously, you're one of the most popular guys in school."

Richard explained, "I put up the same types of walls and I was destructive. Good or bad, I tried to destroy it. I even hated Bruce for trying to help me."

They fell into silence. The city bus pulled up to the curb. The door opened, waiting for them. Rachel considered leaving but she didn't think their conversation was over. She shook her head and motioned to the bus driver to move on. They watched the bus drive off without gaining any passengers.

"So this is all about you and Jason? You like him, don't you?"

Rachel turned away, trying to hide the color creeping onto her face. "Yeah, I think I kinda do. I just don't know why he likes me."

"We've already gone over that. Why are you questioning it?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I just heard somebody say something."

"Is that somebody Kitten? You know not to believe anything she says. She's just being a bitch."

"I know," She rolled her eyes. "Kitten likes to make trouble but …" Rachel closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. "…but that doesn't mean she didn't give voice to some of my fears."

"Rachel …" He was afraid she didn't hear what he said, again.

She interrupted him, "I like how I feel around him. I'm …happy, I guess. I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to push him away but I'm kinda scared to let him in."

"You've let us in, we're your friends. Don't fake it, be yourself. It may sound corny but I'm sure if you listen to your heart you'll be fine."

Rachel smiled, "Thanks for that. And thank you for letting me talk."

"No problem. We don't often get to see what's going on in that dark, pretty little head of yours." He repeated, "We're your friends. Don't be afraid to speak around us." Rachel nodded her head and shrugged her shoulders at the same time.

"Guess I missed my ride."

"You want one? I could give you one."

She laughed softly, "Thanks, but I think I'll walk. I have a lot to think about. Thanks again and see you tomorrow." Pulling her backpack onto her good arm, she started down the sidewalk. She stopped and turned around. "Oh, uh, Richard, just ask Kori out. She'll be over the moon."

* * *

Jason and Rachel walked over to her house after school later that week. Kori had mentioned that Rachel did some art and he wanted to see it. Rachel didn't understand why he wanted to see it; she didn't think it was that good. She offered to bring some to school to see it but he insisted on going to her house to view her artwork.

When they arrived at her house, Rachel was somewhat relieved that her dad wasn't home. She didn't want him making a big deal about Jason. However, she was also nervous about having a boy in her room. Kori's the only person she's ever had in her room and it was just that one time.

Jason noticed Rachel's nervousness as they entered her room and commented on it. "What's wrong, Bubbles? Afraid I'll find something embarrassing?"

"No. I just don't want my dad to find you here."

"Is your dad protective of his adorable little girl?"

Rachel said flatly, "Yeah, something like that."

Jason wrapped his arms around her waist. "So it wouldn't be a good first impression if he came home and found me making out with his daughter in her room?" He kissed her sweetly.

Reluctantly, Rachel broke away from him. "Do you have a death wish?"

Jason laughed, "That bad, huh? I'd prefer to think I have a great sense of adventure." He checked out her drawings and paintings. He told her she was good, she should enter some things in the art show but she just blew him off.

"I'm not that good. I just kind of doodle or whatever. It's just something to pass the time while my dad's working. It helps take my mind off things."

Jason wanted to cheer her up. He joked, "Bet you write in your diary about me." Rachel raised an eyebrow. With a very high-pitched, girly voice he said, "Dear diary, I just met the most dreamy guy in the world"

Rachel questioned, "Dreamy?"

"Okay, how about the hottest?"

Rachel repeated, "Dreamy? When did we step into a 50's black and white sitcom?" Now Rachel used an overly girly voice and fluttered her eyelashes. "Gee golly, Sally, I just met a swell guy. He is so dreamy. Too bad he only has eyes for Bob."

Jason laughed, "Hey, I do not. I was only talking to that guy cuz I liked his car."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel said, "Yeah, right."

"The only person I'm interested in is my Bubbles."

"I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do you call me 'Bubbles'?"

"It's for your bubbly personality."

"So you like sarcasm too? Guess it's more original than the 'sunshine' I usually get."

Jason took her cast-free hand, "I'm not being sarcastic. I think you don't wanna get hurt so you put up barriers. It takes awhile for you to let people close to you. Most people when the first see probably think you're apathetic or aloof." He laced his fingers with hers. "When I met you, I saw a sparkle in your eyes. I knew I had to get to know you."

"That's kind of what Richard said the other day," she sighed. "For years I've worried about getting hurt, so I have trouble letting people in. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about. You're slowly letting me get close. You'll tell me your secrets whenever you're ready. I'll just enjoy being with you." He leaned his forehead against hers. "I case you didn't know, I like you Rachel Roth."

Rachel's frown turned to a small smile. "I like you too, Jason Xavier."

They kissed again. Rachel pulled away once more. "We should go. We've spent more time here than I planned. I don't want my dad to find you here. He'd kill me if he did."

"So your dad's overprotective of his little girl? He wouldn't do that."

"No, you're right. He'll probably kill you first then me." Jason laughed at how serious she was. Rachel thought, 'You think I'm joking, but it's not far from the truth.'

They started down the stairs when Trigon came home. She thought back to his reaction when he found Kori there. Rachel knew it would be so much worse having Jason there. "Omigod! My dad's home early. You have to hide. He can't find you here. Oh God, I'm dead if he finds you. Hurry. Go back to my room. Hurry." She pushed him into her room. She harshly whispered, "Keep the door closed and don't touch anything. I'll try to distract him. If I can get him to leave …"

Jason was a little surprised by the brief flicker of fear he saw in Rachel's eyes. He whispered back, "I know what to do. I've had to sneak out of a girl's room a time or two." Rachel narrowed her eyes and shook her head in disbelieve.

They got Jason hidden just in time. Trigon was coming up the stairs. Rachel eyed her door before she went to greet her father. "Hey, Dad, how'd work go?"

"More of the same. It's amazing how stupid some people can be." He looked over his daughter's head to her door. "Did I hear something in your room?"

"Um, I have music on. Maybe that's what you heard? I, uh, I wanted to ask you something?" Trigon nodded for her to continue. "I was wondering if I could, um get an after school job?"

"What, don't I make enough for you? I didn't think you were so selfish. The way you dress sometimes, it sure doesn't look like you care about money." Rachel inwardly cringed at his comment.

"I just thought it might be a good idea for me to make my own money so I don't have to ask you for it all the time."

"Don't you baby-sit for those brats down the street sometimes? Shouldn't that be enough?"

"I'm not very good at it and their mother only picks me when she's desperate."

"Why?"

"I overheard her saying I was a 'creepy, Satan-worshiping goth' and that I will 'corrupt' her children."

"What does that bitch know? So, you want an after school job? Don't you have to be sixteen to get a job?"

Rachel was a little hopeful. He was at least listening to her. "I could work in the library after school. There age isn't an issue; I just have to get good grades. There's also a job at a nearby café. A friend's mom works there and she told him about an opening. With a parent's permission, a person within six months of their sixteenth birthday could work there. It would just be every other day after school and every third weekend." Rachel was kind of surprised that she was talking so much, especially with her dad and she'd started it. "I promise, if you let me get a job, I won't let it interfere with my grades."

He looked unsure, "I don't know. You should probably just focus on school."

"It might look good for a college," she suggested. "It might show that I'm responsible."

"I'll think about it."

"Thanks, that's all I'm asking for."

They each turned to their own rooms when a noise came from Rachel's room. Rachel started having a coughing fit, distracting her father from her room. "Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes." Cough, cough "I guess I" cough "swallowed wrong." She went into her room that now appeared empty. She checked under her bed and the closet. She couldn't find Jason anywhere.

The doorbell rang and Trigon went down to answer it. He saw a dark haired teenaged boy at the door.

The teenager said, "Hello, Mr. Roth, is Rachel home?"

"Who are you? What do you want?"

Jason was surprised by her father's largeness. Maybe that explained why Rachel was so worried about her father finding him in her room. "I go to school with Rachel, I'm Jason Xavier. I wanted to talk to Rachel."

Trigon sighed, "Fine, wait here, I'll get her." Trigon went to the base of the stairs and called his daughter down.

"What did you want?" She was still wondering about Jason.

"Someone's here to see you. He's at the front door. I'm going to see about supper." He turned and went to the kitchen.

Curious, Rachel went to the front door and was surprised. "Jason? What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd ask you if you wanted to go out tomorrow night."

"I'll have to ask if I can but yeah I'd like to go out." After asking Trigon for permission, she was excited about her first official date. She went back to Jason. "Yeah, I can go. Um, how did you get here?"

He whispered, "I climbed out of your window and down the tree."

"That must've been the sound we heard. You need to be careful or he'll figure it out."

"Don't worry, I've never been caught and I'm not gonna start now." Rachel rolled her eyes. "You know, maybe we can use that tree to our advantage."

She understood what he was suggesting but ignored his comment. She wasn't going to get in the habit of sneaking a guy in and out of her room. "Okay, so you'll pick me you here tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, tomorrow at six-thirty." He started to laugh. "I never really thought of you as a Taylor Swift fan."

"What are you talking about? You went though my CDs? I told you not to touch anything."

"I was alone in my girlfriend's room, how could I resist? "

Rachel was surprised by his words; one word in particular. 'Girlfriend? He thinks of me as his girlfriend?'

"Bubbles, you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess I can forgive you for looking though my stuff. You didn't look though anything else, did you?"

"Naw, just your CDs. I wanted to see if we like the same stuff. You have pretty much what I thought you'd have. The Taylor CD just confused me."

"Kori gave me that. But some of her stuff's not too bad. She writes a lot of her songs and I can appreciate that. I've tried it a little and it's not always easy to write."

Trigon called Rachel to dinner. She gave Jason a quick kiss before going back inside.

Throughout the evening, Rachel thought about what Jason said. 'Girlfriend? I can't believe he thinks of me as his girlfriend. Richard's right, I shouldn't waste another thought on Kitten. I have to figure out what to wear tomorrow night. Should I call Kori? I'll probably hear her scream all the way over here. I can't believe this is happening to me. Ugh, I can't wait to get this cast off, it's driving me crazy.'


	11. Chapter 11: I Believe in Love

**Chapter 11: I Believe in Love**

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 **Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans, the Dixie Chicks or any lyrics.**

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 **"I made … / … we'd wait … / … never compromise / … morning light" – I Believe in Love, Dixie Chicks**

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Jason and Rachel entered his apartment. "Glad to have your cast off?"

She sighed, "I was sick of it being in the way and the doctor's visits. You have no idea how hard it was to wash my hair one-handed. On more than one occasion I thought of chopping it all off." She thought, 'Dad's been nice to me. Wonder if that'll change now that the cast is gone?'

"Well I'm glad you didn't cut it. I like your long hair; it's super sexy." He flashed a smile and she rolled her eyes. "What'd you wanna do? Mom's not gonna be home for few hours."

Rachel shrugged, "I don't know, go to the bookstore?"

"I love watching you read but the last time we went there it took three hours. I can't do that again."

"It wasn't that long."

Jason said, "No, you're right. It was more like four hours."

She threw a pillow at him. "Well then what do you suggest we do if you don't like my idea?"

"We could …um …er …I dunno …" stammered Jason as he tried to think of something they could do.

Rachel picked up a magazine and sat on the sofa. "Good to see you have a long list of ideas.

Jason flopped down on the sofa next Rachel and turned the TV. He flipped through the channels. Nothing good was on. Rachel had slouched on the sofa, flipping through a magazine. She wondered, "How can there be a million channels and still there's nothing on?"

He looked down at Rachel. He got an idea. "Are you ticklish?"

"No." She continued through the magazine, not noticing his mischievous grin.

Jason said, "I think everyone's a little ticklish."

"Well I'm not."

"Bet you are." He began tickling her. Rachel tried to block him with the magazine. Jason grabbed the magazine and tossed it aside. She playfully pushed him away. He kept tickling her. She tried to tickle him back. He grasped her wrists to stop her from tickling him. Holding Rachel's wrists, he had stopped tickling her.

They were both a little breathless from laughing. It took them a moment to realize that Rachel was now underneath him on the sofa. Jason thought she looked hot laying under him. Letting go of her wrists, Jason leaned down, careful not to put all his weight on her. He captured her lips with his.

The kiss deepened and Rachel ran her fingers through his hair. Jason cautiously ran his hands along her body. She didn't object, she kissed him with more passion. He caressed her body causing her to moan softly.

As he kissed her neck, she slid her hands under Jason's shirt. Her touch caused him to moan. He loved the feel of her cool, thin fingers on his skin. Jason placed his hand on her bare waist.

Rachel shifted some, allowing Jason to settle between her legs. She bit her lip trying to contain another moan. Even through they both had jeans on, it still felt tantalizing. Rachel was fascinated by how it felt having the weight of Jason pressing against her body.

She felt the warmth building in her core. Rachel had never felt anything like that. Of course she'd read books or seen movies that made such sensations stir. But it was different having your boyfriend start those sensations. She pressed her body against his, making them both moan.

They'd never gone that far, they'd only kissed and touched some though clothing. Jason questioned her, "Are you sure?" Caught up in passion, Rachel answered him by pulling him to her and kissing him readily.

Jason pealed off his shirt. She thought he looked super hot without a shirt on. She'd never been that close to a guy. Rachel blushed, realizing Jason noticed her starring at him.

He unbuttoned Rachel's shirt, exposing her bra. She was thankful there were no bruises. Rachel's blush deepened as Jason studied at her. She couldn't help wondering if she looked all right. Did he liked what he saw?

Again, he captured her lips eagerly. They kissed with increasing passion. He slid his hands along her bare skin, causing her shiver. When Jason slid his hand along her bra he felt her hesitate. He asked "Wanna stop?"

Jason brushed a stray strand of hair off of Rachel's forehead. He watched her struggle with her emotions. He saw a mixture desire and fear in her eyes. He suspected she was a virgin since he was her first boyfriend. Jason didn't want to rush her. He didn't want to make her do something she'd regret later.

Rachel never thought she'd have sex so young because she didn't think she'd have a boyfriend until much later. She didn't expect to have a boyfriend until she was a senior. She was all right with that. She didn't even mind waiting until she was in college. Rachel realized that might have made her strange but she didn't care.

Rachel knew she had wanted to wait longer before having sex. At least, that was the plan. But it wasn't because she thought premarital sex was wrong. And it wasn't because she thought her virtue was so precious. Even though she thought she was fairly mature, she knew she was naïve when it came to love. But she was smart enough to know she shouldn't sleep with the first guy who said he cared about her.

With the decision to wait firmly planted in her mind, Rachel couldn't believe she was doing this. She closed her eyes, 'He likes me, he wants me, God knows why, but he does. Damn it Rachel, forget emotions, stop thinking and just go with how amazing his touch feels. No emotions, no thinking, just feel. Feel Jason's love for me. ' She slightly shook her head no, she didn't want to stop.

Seizing Rachel's lips in another fiery kiss, Jason slid his hands along her body. He cupped her bra-covered breasts. She practically purred at his touch. Jason's lips traveled down Rachel's neck. A soft moan escaped her lips. She tangled her fingers in his hair. Jason left a trail of kisses down to the valley between her breasts, he made her moan again.

She could feel how hard he was. Rachel was astounded that she could make a guy feel like that, that she could turn him on so much. She couldn't imagine what it would feel like when they made love. Just the thought of that made Rachel's face redden.

'I'm really going to do this? Am I really ready? I, I, we shouldn't …Oh, but his touch …God, it feels so good. He definitely knows what to do. He's probably had plenty of practice. Wait, that means he's been with other girls. Protection. We can't do this without protection.' As if he was reading her mind, Jason pulled a condom from his pocket. Rachel smiled up at her boyfriend, 'Finally, I get to know what it's like to be loved.'

Jason's hands traveled down her body as they kissed. Rachel shuddered at his touch. He unbuttoned her jeans. He slipped his hands under her waistbands of both her jeans and panties. He started sliding them down. Rachel's breath caught in her throat when her clothes got to her hips. Another few inches and she'd be seen as she's never been seen before. Rachel felt her face turning red at that thought. She was about to make love to her boyfriend.

A car door slammed nearby. They froze. Could his mom be home early? Hearing footsteps coming up the stairs, they hastily scrambled to put on their clothes on and adjusted.

When Debbie entered the living room, the two were sitting on the sofa, staring at the TV. She noticed their flushed faces and rumpled clothing, but she said nothing. She went to her room to change out of her work clothes. Jason and Rachel's eyes followed her to her room.

Leaning against her bedroom door, she wondered what she would've walked in on if she were a few minutes later. She said to herself, "They're going too fast. They just started dating a little over a month ago. God, if he doesn't slow down I'll be a grandmother before he graduates."

When she went back into the living room Debbie noticed the two have been watching her door but they quickly turned to the TV. Debbie went into the kitchen. She felt two pairs of eyes on her. Rachel whispered to Jason, "Do you think she knows what we were doing?" Jason just shrugged his shoulders.

Debbie called out from the kitchen, "Jason, we're out of milk. Would you go get some?"

Entering the kitchen with Rachel, he said, "I can get some later when I drop off Rachel."

"I need it for supper tonight."

Jason sighed, "Fine, guess I can drop Rachel off now."

"Aren't you staying for dinner, Rachel?"

"Yeah, I was, but …"

"Great, Rachel can stay here and help me get things started. And you can go get the milk." Jason and Rachel eyed each other. What if she knew what they were doing? As Jason grabbed his keys, Debbie called out, "Oh, get some toilet paper too." The two females in the kitchen heard his groan as he left.

Rachel smiled nervously at Debbie when the older woman looked her way. "Are you sure you want me to help? I've been taking some cooking lessons with Vic's grandmother but it's gonna take a long time before I make anything edible."

Debbie said, "I'm sure you're not that bad."

"I, um, I was finally able to boil water without burning the pan."

"You burned water?"

Rachel smiled sheepishly, "Well, I kinda forgot about it and the pan burned dry. I keep making stupid mistakes like that."

"You can peel potatoes, right?" Rachel nodded. "Good, you start those and I'll get the chicken started."

They worked in silence a few minutes. "So, you and Jason seem to be getting along okay."

Rachel nodded, "Yeah, I kinda feel like I can be myself around him. I dunno, I'm not always so guarded, I guess."

"I'm glad you can be open around my son. I just want you two to make sure you're not taking things too fast." Rachel wondered, 'Does she know?' Debbie laughed slightly, "I remember what it was like in high school. I remember there was a time when I had a new boyfriend every few weeks."

"I don't think I'll have a lot of boyfriends. Actually, I'm kinda surprised Jason likes me like that."

"I don't know why you're surprised; you're pretty, nice and smart. However, you're right. You're probably different than I was. You'll probably a few meaningful relationships instead of several flippant ones like me." Debbie got a distant look on her face. "You know, I still remember how thrilling my first time was, I must've been about your age. After that, I think I was with every one of my boyfriends."

"Um, uh, n-nothing like that will happen with us. We're not going to do anything," Rachel said but thought, 'Great, she knows.'

"I know you tell yourself nothing is gonna happen. Then you're with the boy of your dreams. Maybe he tells you all the 'right' things or you two just are 'in the moment'? Whatever it is plus raging hormones, things have a way of going further than you planned." Debbie sighed, "God, I must have scared my parents more than a few times."

"Jason's not pressuring me and we're not going to, um, you know …."

"Rachel, sweetie, I know you believe that now, but things can happen. Believe me; I had it happen like that more than a few times when I was in school. If you're not careful, even if you are careful, things can happen. That's how I got Jason. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I'd waited. I just don't want you to go down the same path that I did."

"Do you want me …to break up with Jason?"

"Oh, no, no that's not what I'm saying. I just think you two should slow down a little. You just started dating. So what's the rush? You're young; don't be in a hurry to grow up. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but if you two do decide to have sex, please use protection. Consider going on the pill. You two are too young to have a baby. Besides, your father would probably kill my son if he got you pregnant."

Seeing that Rachel blushing and looking uncomfortable, Debbie said, "Aw, sweetie, I didn't mean to embarrass you or make you feel guilty about how you feel. I just wanted to show you that I care about you. If you ever want to talk or have any questions about anything, you know you can come to me, right."

Rachel nodded quickly, wishing she wasn't having this conversation with her boyfriend's mother. The only way it could've been worse was if she was having it with her father.

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Jason saw Rachel at her locker. He snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Hey, Bubbles." She became tense and pulled away from him. "Rachel …"

She said, "I thought we decided we were going to take things slow."

"You decided to slow things down. How slow should we go? Be like we were when we first met?"

Rachel crossed her arms. "I talked with your mom. She's right, we're going too fast."

He crossed his arms, mimicking her. "She's not right. What does she know? She's just trying to scare you and control me. She's a control freak when it comes to me."

Rachel looked around the busy hallway. She grabbed his arm and pulled him into an empty classroom. Thinking she'd changed her mind, Jason leaned down to kiss her. Rachel put her hand up to stop him. She whispered harshly, "We almost went 'all the way', in your living room. If your mom hadn't showed up we would've done 'it'."

Smiling, he tried to kiss her again. "Would that have been so bad?"

Rachel backed away from him. "I'm not kidding, this is serious. And your mom does know what she's about; that's how you got here."

Jason frowned, "You're always so serious. Can't you ever relax, have some fun." He didn't notice the flicker of pain in her eyes.

The students coming into the classroom looked at them with curiosity. Rachel shook her head, "Not now." She left the room.

Jason followed her. To get her attention he grabbed her arm and spun her around.

Rachel looked down at his hand still gripping her elbow. She glared up at him. Wrenching her arm free, she growled, "Don't ever do that again." She stormed down the hallway.

"Aw, Rachel, come back."

"Leave me alone!"


	12. Chapter 12: Not Ready to Make Nice

**Chapter 12: Not Ready to Make Nice**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Titans, the Dixie Chicks or any lyrics.**

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 **"Forgive, sounds … / … still waiting"-Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks**

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Jinni found Rachel in the library, trying to study. "There you are. I've been looking for you. I thought I'd find you with Jason, you're always with him."

Looking down at her notes Rachel said, "Not always."

"Okay, most of the time. When I found him, I asked him where you were; he just shrugged his shoulders and kinda grumbled. Did you two have a fight?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"C'mon, tell me. It might help to talk about it."

"I said I don't want to talk about it."

Jinni held up her hands, surrendering. "Okay, okay, it's dropped. Just know, if you wanna talk, I'll listen. I was searching for you to tell you about a party tomorrow night."

"So."

"'So', a bunch of us are going, you should too." Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I know, you 'don't do parties' but this'll be fun. Maybe Jason will be there and you guys can talk. If he's not and you guys really through then maybe you can have some fun. C'mon, Rachel, please, we haven't really hung out since the dance."

Rachel thought about it for a moment, "Okay, maybe I'll go."

"Great! Want me to come over to help you pick something to wear?"

"I can dress myself, thank you."

Jinni got up to leave. "Alright, just don't wear anything frumpy.

"I'm not frumpy," objected Rachel.

"You're right, I'm sorry. But don't wear a sweatshirt or sweater. It's a party for God's sake. Call me if you want me to come over tomorrow afternoon. See ya at the party."

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Rachel checked the time on her clock radio. Kori would pick her up soon. She checked herself in the mirror one more time. After trying on several outfits, Rachel decided on one. She didn't know if it would meet with Jinni's approval, but she didn't care. She wasn't wearing a sweater or sweatshirt like Jinni said.

Studying her reflection, Rachel decided to pull her hair up into a high ponytail. She let a few tendrils frame her face. She liked way the black skinny jeans and tight, scoop neck T-shirt showed off her figure. That was not what she'd normally wear so she's a little uncomfortable. She guessed she could handle it if it either got Jason to notice her or made him jealous.

Hearing a car pull in the driveway, Rachel called out, "Dad, Kori's here; we're going to a friend's house. I might spend the night at Kori's or Jinni's."

He called back, "Okay, if you need me, I'll be working late, so call me at the office."

On the way to the party, Kori talked nonstop about how excited she was. At the party, Rachel was a little nervous. She stuck near Kori for a while. Rachel recognized most of the kids from school but she had to resist the urge to hide from the crowd. Rachel wasn't what one would call a "party girl".

Rachel looked around, searching for Jason. When she saw him, their eyes locked She started to go over to him but stopped when a shorthaired blonde wrapped her arms around him. Jason looked at the blonde then back at Rachel. They stared at one another for a minute until the blonde whispered something in his ear. He grinned and walked off with the girl, leaving Rachel watching them leave. Rachel didn't know who the girl was but she didn't like her.

With her arms crossed, Rachel stormed off to tell Kori that she wanted to leave. She thought, 'Why did I come to this stupid party?' Trying to avoid people dancing and couples making out, Rachel was getting aggravated. 'Where the hell could Kori be? I lost sight of her for a few minutes. Damn, I'll never find her in this crowd. She's probably making out with Richard.'

While searching for Kori or one of her other friends, Rachel ran into Jinni. "Hey, Jinni, I came, and see, no sweatshirt. Have you seen Kori? I'm ready to leave."

Jinni pulled her friend away from the crowd. "I'm glad you came. And I get why you wanna leave. The guy's a jerk. I saw how he acted with that girl, Casey. What happened between you and Jason?"

"I don't care who that girl is, I don't like her."

"You're avoiding my question. What happened?" Rachel sighed and told Jinni what happened in Jason's living room. "You mean he dumped you because you wouldn't have sex with him?"

"No, I kinda thought I was ready but his mom came home. While Jason was out getting some things she had 'the talk' with me."

Jinni made a face, "Ooh."

"Yeah, it wasn't fun, but it got me thinking. Maybe I'm not ready. I mean, we just started dating and he is my first boyfriend. I told him we should probably slow down some. Guess he thought that meant take things back to before we met."

"I'm sorry he's such a jerk but you know what's best for you. I was hoping that maybe you two could talk tonight."

"There's nothing to talk about. Even if I wanted to, I'd probably have to pry that Casey away from him."

"What does he see in her anyway? She such a …"Jinni stopped seeing Rachel's expression. "…never mind about her. Stay at the party; don't let him drive you away. Have some fun. Who knows, maybe you'll meet some one new?"

"I don't know; I just don't like parties."

"That doesn't mean you can't have some fun. Dance; make some new friends. Just be careful about what you drink."

Rachel said sarcastically. "Yes, mom."

"I'm serious. I'm not telling you not to drink. Just make sure you know what you're drinking. Some guys wouldn't think twice about getting a girl drunk then taking advantage of her. Please say you'll stay? You don't hav'ta stay long, just for a few hours?"

Rachel was about to say she couldn't stay when she saw Jason and Casey. Watching them she said, "Fine. I'll stay."

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Even though she danced with her friends some, Rachel wasn't having much fun. A dark-haired guy who Rachel recognized as senior, Eric Deforest, came up to her. "Hey, you don't look like you're having much fun."

"What gave you that idea?"

Eric handed her a cup. Taking it, Rachel asked, "What is it?" She sniffed it, it looked and smelled like fruit punch.

He vaguely said, "Just something to help you let your hair down."

Rachel knew she shouldn't drink it since she didn't know what was in it. However, she heard Jason's voice telling her to lighten up. She heard Kitten and others calling her neurotic, uptight and afraid. Looking around the party, she saw everyone was having fun except her. Tired of being left out, Rachel took a tentative sip. It didn't taste bad.

They talked a little as she finished the red liquid. Eric got her more cups, which she quickly drank.

After several drinks, Rachel draped her arms around Eric's neck. Her body swayed to a slow song playing in her head. Eric placed a hand on here waist to steady her. "Are you having fun now?" he asked. Looking up at him, she smiled and nodded. He bent down and kissed her gently. She danced closer to him, her body pressing against his. Eric kissed Rachel's neck and her normally quiet laughter, melodically mixed with the music.

He whispered in her ear, "Let's go somewhere a little quieter." He nipped at Rachel's neck causing her to giggle. She hesitated a moment before nodding yes. Taking Rachel's hand, Eric lead her to a hallway.

Before entering the dark hall, Rachel stopped. She looked unsure. She glanced around for her friends.

"Want another drink?" asked Eric after kissing her again.

Rachel giggled, "I dunno. Where's the music? I wanna hear the music."

Eric took her hand and pulled her to him. "Don't worry, we can still hear it." They heard the base thunder through the house. "C'mon, let's have some fun. Isn't that what this party's about?"

Once more, Rachel slurred, "I dunno."

They kissed again, this time with more passion. She practically purred as they kissed. Rachel giggled again as he cupped her breast. Eric lead them to a back bedroom. The room smelled of alcohol and sex. Rachel put a hand on his chest, "Wait ..."

Eric closed the door and backed her against it. Between kisses, he said, "No reason to wait if we're both ready."

Rachel pushed him back and shook her head, "No…stop…I, I need some air." Suddenly, her face felt warm. She also felt a little woozy.

"You can get some air when we're done." He leaned down and kissed her neck. Pulling Rachel to him, he lead her into the room, over to the bed. Confused, Rachel let him lead her while he kissed her. "If it helps, I can tell you 'I love you'."

With his hands on her ass, he pulled her to him. He kissed her neck. Again, Rachel shook her head. Something wasn't right. She shouldn't be here in this room. She shouldn't let this guy she barely knew do these things to her. "No …s-stop …" Again, she pushed against his chest.

Irritated that things weren't going as easy as he wanted, he grabbed her wrists. "You were into this earlier. Now you're acting like a scared little girl. That's not how this works." He pulled her towards the bed.

Rachel shook her head, trying to clear her mind. This was wrong. This wasn't what she wanted. She tried to pull herself free. "No. Let me go. Now." Panic built in her when he pushed her down onto the bed.

Holding Rachel's wrists down, Eric leaned down to kiss her. She shook her head, preventing him from kissing her. "No. I don't want to do this anymore. Let me go." Rachel struggled to get free.

"Hey, Ice Princess, you knew what we were gonna do in here. You came in here with me. I know you're probably just trying to make Jason jealous but I don't care." He pulled out a condom. "I'm ready for some action."

"No. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna do this."

"Too bad, Ice Princess, if you're gonna play this game, then you have to be willing to put out." Still holding one of her wrists, Eric kissed her neck as he put a hand on her waist. His hand disappeared under her shirt.

Rachel grimaced as he pawed at her. She didn't want this. She realized now that she was stupid for going with Eric. She'd been stupid but she didn't have to let this jerk hurt her.

Rachel kneed him. She didn't hit his groin but she was close enough. Doubling over some, Eric groaned in pain. Rachel kneed him again, harder.

"Bitch!" growled Eric, "You're gonna pay for that."

A guy came into the room looking for someone. The guy apologized for interrupting them but Rachel took the opportunity to break free. She pushed Eric off of her and rushed passed the guy. She heard Eric swearing at the guy and her but she didn't look back.

Rachel hurried to the nearest door. Once outside, the cool night air felt good on her heated skin. She pulled her hair free of the ponytail, sending her hair falling around her. 'How could I have been so stupid?'

* * *

Outside the party, they literally ran into each other. At first, they were awkward. They just chatted about school.

She seemed a little upset so he offered her a ride home; she accepted. Once they arrived at her house she asked, "Do you want to come in for a minute?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Okay, sure." Inside the house, they were awkward again.

Fidgeting with her long hair she said, "Sorry about earlier." He shrugged again and they were quiet once more.

After several minutes of silence he said, "Um, I guess I should go."

"No, wait. Please stay." She reached her hand out to him. She pulled him to the stairs.

He hesitated. "Are you sure? Won't we get interrupted?"

She shook her head sending her long hair swirling around her. "I'm very sure. And I'm alone tonight. My dad's working. I don't wanna be alone." She shyly lead him upstairs to her bedroom.

A little while later, she nestled up to him. He just laid there, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. She snuggled closer to him, he groaned. He got up and started to get dressed.

Sitting up, she clutched the sheet to her chest. "Jason?"

Jason searched for his shirt. "I don't want to hurt you but I'm sorry. I think this was a mistake."

Getting out of bed, she wrapped the sheet around herself. She repeated, "Jason …"

He looked out the window and sighed, "I shouldn't be here."

She wrapped her arms around him. "You didn't cheat on her. She broke it off, remember?"

Jason shook his head. "Technically we didn't break up; we're just taking things slow."

"I think she's an idiot for letting you go."

"Terra …" he warned.

"What?" Jason glared at the blonde. "Fine, Rachel's not an idiot. The girl's a genius." Terra rolled her eyes. "She's just what, an emotional martyr?"

"Terra," Jason warned again.

She held up her hands, surrendering. "Okay, fine, I won't mention her after this. But I think you deserve better. Someone who's not a basket case. There, I've said what I had to.

* * *

Rachel pulled out her phone and called Jinni. Jinni was worried when she heard her friend slurring her words. Grabbing Vic, Jinni went out to find Rachel leaning against the garage. Seeing her friends, Rachel burst into tears. Vic and Jinni exchanged worried glances.

"I'm sorry, Jinni. I did what you told me not to do."

Jinni grabbed Rachel by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Rachel, what happened? What did you drink?"

"I, I dunno. I think it was red. I'm sorry."

Seeing the hickey forming on Rachel's neck and her disheveled appearance worried her. "Rachel, Rachel, listen to me. What happened? Did somebody hurt you?"

Fighting to control her tears, Rachel said, "No, no nothing… Eric wanted to but I …" Rachel went up to Vic. "I'm awful. I thought I wanted to at first but I got scared. I pushed him away. I, I should go see if he's okay."

Vic blocked her way to the house. "No, Rae, you did the right thing. I'm sure he's okay."

"But I …I lead him on. I was trying to make Jason jealous. I didn't think. I'm not one of those girls." Suddenly she felt sick. She turned back to the garage. Jinni held back Rachel's hair while she got sick in the bushes.

Jinni went over to Vic. "She's pretty sick. I don't know what she drank. I think we're done here. Would you mind giving us a ride to my house?"

"Nah, that's fine. I'll text the others to let them know where we are."

At Jinni's house, Rachel sat on the sofa. She felt a headache coming on. She began crying because she felt bad about ruining everyone's night.

When her friends showed up, the tears stopped. She called out, "Kori, Kori-anna-banana did you and Richy-poo have a good time tonight? Did you see, I was dancing and it wasn't with one of you guys?"

"Yes, Rachel, it was a fun party. I saw you but maybe you should know the person before dancing with them."

"That's boring. Garr-field, come sit next to me." She began to giggle.

Sitting next to her, he asked, "Hey, Rae, what's up?"

"Nothing. Just the ceiling …and the sky." She now giggled uncontrollably. She ran her hand through his hair. "Hey, it'd look cool if you dyed your hair green. Oh, I know, I'd dye mine purple. Did you know that you almost, kinda sorta have pointy ears? Are you some kinda elf or something?"

They all exchanged concerned glimpses. They'd never seen her like this. Her emotions were out of control.

Gar pulled her hands away from his ears. "What did you drink, Rach?"

She placed her head on his shoulder and pouted, "Don't call me that. My dad calls me that name and I hate it."

"I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose."

"Yes he does. He doesn't care about me. He knows I hate that name. I know that he knows that I know …what? I dunno, just don't call me Rach, promise."

Gar looked down at her. She's falling asleep. "Okay, Rachel, I promise, I won't call you that name."

"Thanks. If my dad really cared about me he wouldn't, …he wouldn't …h…" She fell asleep with her head on Gar's shoulder.

He lifted up her hand and dropped it back onto her lap. "She's out for the night. What happened at the party? And what do you think she meant with all that stuff about her dad?"

* * *

A week and a half later, several students were standing around outside a museum. Kitten talked with her friends, Kelsey and Ashley. They're conversation turned to Rachel who was standing nearby. Kitten made sure Rachel overheard them.

Kitten whispered rather loudly, "You know, her mother is really alive."

Kelsey asked, "Whose mother?"

Kitten said, "The creepy freak's mother."

Confused, Ashley said, "I thought she died a few years ago."

Kitten shook her head. "That's what everyone thought. I guess she faked her death or something."

Kelsey suggested, "Maybe she made up the story to get sympathy."

Ashley scoffed, "That didn't work."

Kitten said, "No, I don't think she knows."

Kelsey asked, "How much of a freak are you that you don't know whether or not your mother is alive?"

Kitten grinned evilly, "The bigger question is: how much of a freak are you that your mother fakes her death to get away from you? She is a major freak." The three friends laughed about Rachel.

Rachel's blood boiled. Trembling with anger, she went up to Kitten and her friends.

They laughed at her. "What do you want, loser?"

Rachel demanded, "It's a lie and you know it. Take it back."

Kelsey asked, "What are you talking about?"

"What you said about my mother, it's a lie. Take it back!"

Kitten said, "It's not a lie. My mom saw her. Go away. You're ruining our view." Rachel turned to leave. Kitten pretended to whisper to her friends, "I guess she seemed happy now that she doesn't have a creepy, freaky daughter. That's probably why she left. No one likes having a freak around."

Rachel spun around. She was so angry she actually saw red. "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!" The girls laughed at Rachel.

Consumed by rage, Rachel pushed Kitten into the fountain.

Everyone turned to the commotion. Kitten flailed in ten inches of water. Her friends tried to get her out without getting themselves wet. Still angry, Rachel hung her head and clenched her fists at her sides.

"Rachel Roth!" Called out their teacher, Ms. Davis, "Come here now! What is the meaning of this?"

Rachel muttered "I'm sorry."

Ms. Davis asked, "What was that?"

Rachel repeated a little louder, "I'm sorry."

The middle-aged teacher said, "Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Kitten."

Rachel looked over to Kitten and her friends. She's out of the fountain but she's acting as if Rachel tried to drown her. Rachel heard Kitten tell another teacher, "I don't know what happened? The freak just freaked out."

Rachel shook her head, "I'm sorry, I can't."

* * *

After school, Kitten's voice echoed through Rachel's head, 'I know your mom's alive. And she's happy without you.'

Jason saw Rachel standing outside the school. The students rushed past her but she didn't even notice them. He went over to her. He was concerned, she had a lost, unfocused expression. "Rachel? Rachel?" She didn't notice him. He touched her elbow and repeated "Rachel?"

She blinked several times. She looked confused. "What …?"

"Are you alright?"

Rachel asked, "Do you have your car today?"

Jason nodded, "Yeah, is everything okay?"

She didn't answer his question. Instead, she began to ask, "Would you …?" she shook her head.

"Do you need a ride?" Rachel looked at him as if she'd never thought of that. He wondered why she acted so strange. "Where did you need to go?"

Rachel opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it. She tried again, "I, um I need to get to Hamilton."

"Hamilton! That's just over three and half hours away."


	13. Chapter 13: My Immortal

**Chapter 13 : My Immortal**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **" _These wounds … / …time cannot erase_ " – My Immortal, Evanescence**

* * *

Rachel repeated, "I need to get to Hamilton."

"Why? It'll take us almost four hours to get there."

She turned from Jason and sighed. "You're right. Um, never mind. I'll, I'll find another way to get there." She walked away trying to figure it out.

Jason thought about it for a moment. He ran after her. "Rachel, wait, come on, let's go. I'll take you."

"Are you sure? It is a long way, remember."

"I'm sure. Do you need to stop by your house to get anything?"

She shook her head, "No, let's go before I change my mind."

They rode in silence until they were out of the city. Jason noticed Rachel was fidgety. She fiddled with the radio as Jason asked, "So, why are we going to Hamilton?"

"Guess you didn't hear about me and Kitten?"

"No, what happened?"

"I, uh, I pushed her into a fountain."

"You what! You pushed her? Why?"

Rachel cringed at his reaction. "She just made me so angry.

"What'd she do?"

Sheepishly, Rachel looked over to him, "She said something that wasn't true."

"What'd she say about you?"

"No, she said something about my mother. She said my mom faked her death to get away from me."

"Rachel, you know that's not true. I don't know why Kitten has to be such a bitch."

Rachel heard Kitten's words echo in her mind, 'your mom's alive …to get away from you …' She shook her head to try to free herself from Kitten. "Don't tell anyone, but Kitten's right about one thing, my mom is alive."

Shocked, Jason said, "What? What do you mean? I thought you said she died a few years ago."

Rachel admitted, "I never said she died. I said she got sick and I lost her. Everybody just assumed she died."

Beginning to get annoyed, Jason said, "Can you blame them? I can't believe you'd lie about something like that?"

"I didn't lie."

"You didn't tell the truth. You didn't correct people."

"I couldn't, it was too hard. It was bad enough seeing the pity in everyone's eyes."

Now irritated, Jason said, "So, it was easier just to pretend your mother was dead. What she do, run out on you and your dad? This is your way of punishing her, acting like she's dead."

Rachel studied her hands, "No. It's not like that. I love my mom."

He grumbled, "You have a funny way of showing it."

Rachel's head whipped up and she glared at him. "Why are you angry at me?"

Jason sighed as if saying, isn't it obvious. "I told you about my parents. About how my mom was still in high school when she had me. And how my father skipped out on her as soon as he found out about me. I told you about my stepdad, who I hardly see anymore but we still talk every now and then on the phone. I told you how I think of him more as my dad than my father. I told you all about my family. But you didn't think to tell me, your boyfriend, that your mother is still alive somewhere. Guess it was just easier not to say anything. I suppose she wasn't even sick."

Rachel quickly wiped away a tear threatening to escape. She hoped Jason didn't see that. "Nothing about it was easy." She tried to gather courage to speak on a subject she hadn't spoken about in years. "Mom was sick, not physically but she became mentally ill. The doctors tried to help her. The medicine they gave her worked …for a while. But she got worse …" Rachel wrapped her arms around herself. She looked out the window, watching the scenery speed by.

"Rachel?" Jason tried to encourage her to continue.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Rachel closed her eyes. In her mind, she saw the events of that day. She quickly opened her eyes, not wanting to relive it. She spoke with a calm, soft voice, "There were times when she'd depend on me to help her, to comfort her. Of course, I wanted to help her. I wanted my mom to be happy but she often wasn't. I think I was in the forth or fifth grade when she started getting worse. I felt like I'd let her down."

"Rachel …"

"It was a lot for me to handle. Then …she tried to kill herself. If it hadn't been a half day of school, things would've ended differently. We wouldn't be going to Hamilton right now."

"Rachel, I'm sorry."

"The doctors pumped her stomach, they were able to save her, but she was never the same. She never came home; dad had her committed to a mental hospital. As far as I knew, she's been there ever since. I haven't seen her since the day we moved. I went there to say good-bye and she ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there." Rachel remembered Trigon saying Angela didn't want children. She wondered, 'Was it my fault? I failed her.'

Jason said softly, "It wasn't your fault. You didn't fail her."

Confused, Rachel looked at him, "Why'd you say that?"

Jason said, "You were wondering out loud if it was your fault. It couldn't be. Like you said, it was too much for you to handle. She should've been able to control things better. I'm sorry, I know shit like that happens sometimes, but you were just a kid and your mom was an adult."

"Okay, but what if she wasn't ready for kids. Then she had me and ...I don't know, it was all too much for her."

"How old was your mom when she had you?"

"Eighteen, but …"

Jason interrupted, "She was older than my mom when she had me. Your mom was legally an adult. If she wasn't ready for kids she could've given you up for adoption."

They rode in silence as Rachel thought things over. 'Or she could've had an abortion. Maybe this is why dad's so angry. I caused him to lose mom.'

Seeing a road sign Rachel said, "There's a small town coming up soon. We can turn around there and go back. You don't have to take me to Hamilton."

"Do you wanna go back?"

Rachel sighed, "I don't know. I don't know what I want to do."

"Let's stop and get a bite to eat. I think we should keep going. Maybe you'll get some answers or find some peace or something in Hamilton."

Rachel gazed out the side window, not really seeing the scenery. She realized she didn't think things through. Here she was going to Hamilton with the guy she's been dating. Was he still her boyfriend or did they break up? She didn't know; she's never been through this kind thing. She sighed softly. 'Hell, I just got friends a little before meeting Jason. What do I know about relationships of any kind? My example at home isn't worth much. What am I going to do about dad? If he almost lost it when he saw us simply kissing, then me running off with Jason to my hometown that's four hours away isn't going to help things. I'm in so much trouble if he finds out I went to see mom.'

She's startled out of her thoughts when something touched her hand. Rachel looked down at her hand resting on the car seat. Jason's hand was over hers. She looked up at him.

He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

Rachel smiled sadly, "Thanks for helping me with this. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about all of this. I just don't talk about it. Even at home, dad and I don't talk about mom. I think it's too painful for him. Please don't say anything about this."

"Okay, I won't tell anyone unless you tell me I can."

* * *

While Jason got the food, Rachel called Jinni. "Hey Jinni, if my dad calls could you mind telling him I'm there but I can't come to the phone?"

Jinni asked, _"You want me to lie for you?_ "

Rachel cringed, "I could ask Kori to do it but I don't think she'd be very convincing."

 _"Are you saying I'm good at lying?"_

Rachel was silent for a few seconds, "Um, uh …"

" _Thank you. I'll do it, but I need to know where you're gonna be if it's not here or at home."_

Rachel sighed. She knew Jinni would make a big deal about this. "I'm with Jason, but it's not what you think." Rachel had to hold her phone away from her ear as Jinni squealed with delight. "Are you done?"

Jinni giggled, " _Yeah, sorry. I'm just glad you two are getting together again."_

"Like I said, it's not what you think. It has to do with my mom."

Jinni's confused. " _What about your mom? Where are you guys?"_

"We're going to Hamilton. It's a long story. I'll tell you later." 'Maybe.' "So, you're okay lying to my dad if he calls?"

Jinni said, " _Sure, no problem. Are you two staying in Hamilton tonight?"_

"I don't know, I think so. Why?"

In a sing-songy voice Jinni just said, " _Nothing, good luck with everything_."

Rachel groaned, "Ugh, Jinni, you're almost as bad as the boys. But thank you, I think I'll need luck. And thank you for helping me with my dad. Bye."

Jason showed up with the tray of food just as Rachel finished her conversation with Jinni. Curious, he asked, "Who were you talking to?"

Reaching for her burger and fries, she said, "I called Jinni, I asked her to lie to my dad if calls there looking for me."

"Why would he be looking for you at Jinni's?"

Rachel said, "Because when we're done here I'm going to call him and tell him I'm at Jinni's."

As she got ready to take a bite, her phone rang. She checked it. "It's dad."

Jason whispered "Answer it or he'll be suspicious."

Rachel cleared her throat and answered her phone. "Hi, dad."

" _I'm going out of town tonight. Will you be okay on your own?"_

"Oh. Um, yeah, I'll be okay. I was just about to call you. I'm going to stay at Jinni's tonight. We're working on a project for school and it's talking longer than we thought."

 _"If you need anything call my secretary. She'll know where I am."_

"Oh, okay, well, see you when you get back. Bye."

Jason grinned, "Guess you don't have to worry about your dad."

"Yeah, guess not," said Rachel, a little distracted. Trigon tried not to take business trips during the week. He didn't sound like anything was wrong but Rachel wondered what was going on. She wondered where he was going. "What about your mom? What are you going to tell her?"

He finished the second half of his burger in three bites. "Don't worry about it. I left her a message that I was helping a friend." He chuckled at her expression. "Well, I am helping a friend. Do you want the rest of your fries?"

She shielded her food from his grabbing hand. "Yes, I want my fries. Sometimes they're the best part. If you want more, go get them yourself."

* * *

Back on the road again, Rachel suddenly realized she was just like her dad, her temper was the same. Someone made her angry and she lashed out, hurting them. She mentioned that she's worried about Kitten.

Jason told her, "Don't worry about her."

Rachel shook her head, "No, she could've been hurt and not even realized it. I'm horrible. She could be in the hospital right now and it would be my fault. It's all because of my stupid temper." 'I'm just like dad.'

"Bubbles, calm down. Kitten is okay. If anything happened to her, she probably just broke a nail. To her, that'd be the end of the world but it's nothing serious."

"You think she's okay?" He nodded. "What if she's not? I mean, I've heard of people hitting their head in a skiing accident or something and think they're fine but they end up dead."

"Did she hit her head?"

"I don't think so. Oh God, I'm a horrible person," she berated herself. "I don't even know if she hurt herself when she fell."

"You are not horrible. You're concerned about her, that shows you're not cruel. If you switched places, do you think Kitten would be worried about you? Has she ever worried about you?"

Rachel thought back to the last few years. "I don't think so."

Jason could sense rachel was still bothered. "If it makes you feel better, you could call her house and see how she's doing."

"I don't know, maybe." Thinking about it, Rachel decided not to call. Jason was right; she's just overreacting.

* * *

They rode in silence for a while. As they did, Rachel's thoughts returned to her mother. How would she find her if she wasn't still at the hospital? She might not be in Hamilton anymore. Kitten said her mother saw Rachel's mom in Hamilton but might not be true. Kitten could've said that because she knew how to upset Rachel.

Rachel thought about the piece of paper in her backpack. It had a phone number on it. Rachel didn't know for sure if it was her mom's. She'd never tried it. But it was the only thing that might connect her to her mother.

One day last month, for some reason, Rachel thought about looking up her mother's name. She waited until she was at the library to do that. She didn't want her father knowing she did that. She wrote down a phone number but not a name. Rachel didn't want her father to know if he accidentally saw the paper.

Rachel didn't know what to do. Should she just dial that number and hope she found her mother? What if it that number didn't belong to her mom? Could she handle more loss and rejection with Jason as a witness? Rachel sighed. Why didn't her mother stay in contact with her? At least, she could've let her know she was out of her hospital.

Luck or fate was on Rachel's side. With a hour until they got to Hamilton, Jason noticed they were running low on gas. He noticed in time to see a truck stop was a mile away.

After Jason filled his car, he went inside to get some snacks. Rachel didn't understand how he could stay so fit if he was always eating. It didn't matter. While he was inside, Rachel pulled the paper from her backpack. She stared at it for a second. Then she closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer. She hoped this worked. She didn't know what she'd do if it didn't.

Taking a deep breath, Rachel dialed the number. She bit her lower lip as she waited for someone to answer. Rachel was about to give up when a female's voice answered.

" _Hello?"_

Rachel didn't say anything. She was trying to decide if he voice sounded like her mother's voice. She wasn't sure. It had been about three years since she last heard her mother.

" _Hello?"_ The woman on her other end sounded annoyed. " _Hello? I don't have time for this. If you're going to say something, then say it."_

Rachel remained silent. If this was her mother, she didn't know what her first words to her shoulders be.

" _That's it. I'm hanging up."_

"No. Wait. Don't hang up."

Rachel heard the woman sighed. " _What do you want? If you're trying to sell me something, I don't want anything. I put my name on a do-not-call list."_

Rachel thought the woman sounded a little like her mother. She hoped she was right. "I'm not selling anything. A-are you Angela Roth? Or do you know her?"

" _No. I'm hanging up."_

"Wait. Please. What about Angela Madsen? I'm her daughter, Rachel Roth. I'm trying to find her."

" _Look, girl, I'm sorry, I can't help you. I don't know who you're talking about. I'm busy. I have to go. And don't call this number again."_

Rachel stared at her phone. She was almost certain she just spoke with her mother. But she didn't understand why she would deny having a daughter if she was Angela Roth. What should she do now?

When Jason returned to the car he thought she looked disappointed. He had no way of knowing about the phone call she just made. 'Maybe she's just tired. It's been a long day,'

* * *

An almost four-hour car ride gave them a lot of time to talk. Rachel said uneasily, "Um, sorry about the other night, at the party. Nothing happened between Eric and me. I was so jealous when I saw you dancing with that girl. Guess I wanted to make you jealous too. I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd act like that."

That night with Terra entered his mind, he thought, 'It worked, I was jealous. But that's no excuse. I'm sorry, Rachel, I shouldn't have been with Terra. I'm sorry.'

Rachel misunderstood his silence. She thought he was still mad at her. She repeated, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you away. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. And I shouldn't have listened so much to your mom. I think she did scare me. I do like being with you. Guess I just got scared if we go all the way, we could have a baby. And I am not ready for that. But I should've told you that and not pushed you away. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. You shouldn't feel wrong about what or how you're feeling. It's okay to be cautious. I don't wanna push you into doing something you're not ready to do. I agree with you, I'm not ready to have a kid."

"So you're not mad at me?" she asked.

"Of course not." 'I'm mad at myself for screwing things up by screwing Terra.'

"Maybe we can kinda start over again. I mean not back at the beginning; just kind of go back to before we got off track."

"Sure, and I promise we'll go slower."

"We don't have to go too slow. I like you a lot."

After a few minutes, Jason said, "So, you hooked up with Eric?"

Rachel rolled her eyes, "Nothing happened. I was stupid and drank whatever he gave me. I got drunk but nothing happened. I wouldn't let it. That doesn't mean he didn't try but I pushed him away. After that, Vic and Jinni took me to her house."

Jason grinned to himself but Rachel noticed that. "What's with the smile?"

"I was just thinking that explains why Eric came to school the other day with a black eye."

She sighed, "Ugh, Victor Stone, he didn't need to do that . Looks like you'd better watch it around me. Better not hurt me or you'll probably have to answer to Vic. I'm not sure who's more protective when it comes to me and boys, him or my dad."

* * *

They arrived Hamilton around eight o'clock. "So, what do we do now?" asked Jason.

"I don't know." Rachel was still thinking about the conversation she had with a woman who might have been with her mother. Why didn't she want her daughter?

"Should we check out the hospital?"

"Isn't it too late for visiting hours? Besides if she's not there, there's nobody to see."

"We can ask them about your mom. Maybe they can tell you something."

Deciding that was their only option, they went to the mental hospital on the outside edge of Hamilton. The receptionist asked them to wait in the waiting room. They sat in silence while waiting. Rachel kept eyeing the receptionist's desk. Any time an orderly, nurse or doctor went by Rachel perked up. No one stopped for her. The plastic orange chairs were uncomfortable but she was willing to sit there all night for a chance to see her mom.

After waiting thirty minutes, a doctor stopped in front of the teens. "Miss Roth?"

"Yes. Were you my mom's doctor? Can you tell me anything about my mother?"

"I'm Dr. Ryan. Let's discuss this in my office." He held out his arm, indicating the hallway to go down.

Once in the office, Rachel asked, "What can you tell me about my mom? Someone told me they saw her in Hamilton. If that's true, when was she let out? Why wasn't I informed?"

Dr. Ryan crossed his arms. "Miss Roth, I understand you're upset. I'm sorry but I'm not at liberty to divulge that kind of information."

Jason spoke for the first time since they met the doctor. "But she's her daughter. Can't you give her any information?"

"I realize they are related but I can't give out patients' information."

"If she's not your patient then if shouldn't matter."

"I'm sorry, I still cannot give you any information. We have to protect our patients' privacy."

Rachel's very irritated with this doctor. He didn't seem to be any help for anybody.

"My father, Trigon Roth, was paying for my mother's treatment."

Dr. Ryan wore a patronizing smirk. "Yes, I realize that and I know who your father is."

"Then you know he's a very influential businessman. I think he'd want to know if you were neglectful in treating my mother. I know he makes a sizable donation to this hospital every year. He could pull his money and donate it to a different facility."

Not sure if her threat was real, the doctor decided to placate her. "I can't give you specifics but your mother was a difficult case. However, gradually she started to show some improvement."

"Can't you at least tell me when she was released?"

"Like I said, I'm not at liberty to divulge such information."

Rachel sighed and almost whined, "I just want my mom back."

Dr. Ryan saw that this girl wasn't really a threat. She was just a scared girl. He said in a kinder tone, "If it makes you feel any better, when she left, she seemed grounded."

"Can't you tell me where she lives? Or maybe give me a phone number."

Dr. Ryan stood up and went to the door. Their meeting was over. "As I've said, I cannot do such a thing. You understand don't you?"

Rachel frowned but nodded. "Yes, thank you for seeing me today."

Jason and Rachel walked to the car in silence. Before starting the car, Jason asked Rachel if she was okay.

Rachel growled out her frustration. "He just dismissed me, treated me like a child."

"That was pretty annoying. I hate when adults do that. I mean, I'm almost an adult so treat me like one. Are you okay?"

Rachel let out a long slow sigh as she shrugged, "What now?"

Jason suggested, "It's late. Why don't we get a room?"

"A room?" Rachel was glad it was dark out so he couldn't see her blushing.

"If you're gonna look for your mom tomorrow you might as well stay in town. Anyway, it's too late to drive back tonight."

'A room?' thought Rachel, 'What have I gotten myself into?'

* * *

 **Comments are welcome.**


	14. Chapter 14: Good Enough

**Chapter 14: Good Enough**

* * *

 **Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **" _Shouldn't let you … completely / … feel good_ " – Good Enough, Evanescence**

* * *

In the hotel room, Rachel tried to fall asleep but she couldn't seem to get comfortable. She kept tossing and turning. Glancing over at the nightstand, she noticed an hour had passed. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Images of her mom flooded her mind. She flopped her arms down on the bed in frustration.

Jason looked up and mumbled sleepily, "What's wrong?"

She ran her hands through her hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I can't sleep. I can't get it out of my mind."

"Don't worry about it. What, are you still upset about Kitten?"

Rachel sat up and shook her head. "No, it's my mom. I can't get that day out of my mind. No matter how hard I try, it's always there." She closed her eyes for a moment. "I remember running into the room. I still see the image of her lying on the floor."

Jason sat up, he was awake now. "You mean you found her?"

Still covered by the blanket, she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She continued, "There was a bottle of pills next to her. Some pills were strewn across the floor. She also had a bottle of some kind of alcohol. She must have hit her head when she collapsed. She had a cut on her forehead. There was blood, a lot of blood. She was lying there so still. I-I thought she was ..." Her voice trailed off.

While Rachel told about her mom, Jason slipped his jeans back on. He went over and turned on the light on the nightstand. He sat on the bed. Jason couldn't believe what she was telling him.

Rachel took a moment before continuing. "When I screamed I must have sounded terrified because dad was there immediately." She stared into space as she spoke, "I don't remember much else after that. Everything was kind of a blur, the ambulance, the hospital and doctors. I do remember dad looking so worried. I felt bad because he had to worry about mom and me. A neighbor finally showed up at the hospital and took me to their house. They tried to distract me but I could only think about what I had just seen. All I could think about was how mad mom would be about the blood staining the carpet."

She looked at Jason, "Isn't that crazy? My mom could've been dying and I was worried about the carpet. I guess somebody cleaned it, I don't know. Dad never let me go back in that room. And not long after that, we moved to Jump City. That scene always seems to be in the back of my mind."

The sad teen folded her arms on top of her knees. She rested her chin on her arm before she continued, "There was a time when I was mad at her. I'd wished she'd succeeded. God, I sound awful, wishing my mother had actually killed herself. I don't hate her. I loved her. I do love her now. It's just, you don't know hard it's been to know she's nearby but I can't contact her. You've been able to call your real father a few times. I haven't been able to talk to her since that day. At the hospital, when I went to say good-bye, she completely ignored me. It was as if I was invisible or not even there. She was aware of dad but not of me. All these years, I haven't heard a thing from her. I miss her. I need her. If she'd died, I would have a gravestone to visit."

Rachel covered her face with her hands. "God! Again, I sound like the cold-hearted bitch everyone thinks I am."

Jason took her hands and pulled them away from her face. He held them between his hands. He forced Rachel to look him in the eye. "You are not a bitch and you're not cold-hearted. You're hurt, and I think you're just the opposite. You're sensitive to so much and to protect yourself from the pain you put up walls. That's what people usually see.

"And I get what you're saying about if your mom had died. Then you'd have somewhere to visit her. Something to grasp onto, even if it was just a gravestone. But the way things are now, thinking that she's out of the hospital, you still have a chance. Maybe we'll find her tomorrow. Maybe it'll be a new beginning for you two. Even if we don't find her tomorrow, we can keep looking. I'll help you."

Rachel frowned, "Ugh. I hate myself for the things I think sometimes. I need her, especially this year. I have friends. And if that's not unbelievable enough, I have a boyfriend. But I have questions about everything, school, dating, everything. I feel like she abandoned me. I almost wish she had given me up as baby. Then I wouldn't have had almost twelve years to know her and love her. Maybe then I wouldn't hurt so badly."

He hugged her. "I'm sorry you're in so much pain."

Holding him tightly, she fought against the tears that threatened to surface. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you probably didn't want to hear all of that. I've kept this locked inside me so long."

"You don't have to apologize. So you never talked to someone about this? What about your dad?"

"No, it's just my problem. He has his own ...demons ...to deal with. Besides, Dad's always busy with work. Sometimes, I don't think he notices me." '...except to hurt me.'

Jason pulled back from the hug. He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you felt so lonely."

Rachel studied Jason's eyes. She didn't know she'd do that, tell him so much. He saw some of her inner layers. Some of those layers she thought made her a freak, an anomaly. She told Jason everything except the abuse, no one could ever know about that, and he didn't run from her. Rachel was certain if Jason knew how messed up she was, he'd bolt. Instead, she thought she saw a flicker of caring in his eyes. She wasn't sure. Could he really care for her when it seemed that no one else did?

While staring, searching each others eyes, Rachel tried to sort things. She had just opened herself emotionally to him. Yes, she'd lied to him, but she explained things. Jason was still helping her. He could've dropped her when he learned that she had lied about her mother. He could've turned back to Jump City and told her to forget everything, that they were done. But he didn't. He stayed with her. He helped her. He said he'd continue to help her. He didn't need to do that.

Shouldn't she be physically open to him as well? Rachel didn't know if she could do that. She told herself it would be kind of like giving him a reward for staying with her. Shouldn't she show him some gratitude? Didn't he deserves something for putting up with all her shit?

Rachel knew she'd be in trouble if her father knew she was here. She didn't know why, but he hated talking about her mother. The main reason she'd be in trouble was she was in a hotel room with her boyfriend. She remembered getting yelled at and pushed around when her father saw her and Jason kissing in Jason's car, nothing more. She didn't understand why her father was so protective when it came to boys but he didn't give it a second thought to hurting her. He didn't seem to want to keep her for himself, as in a sexual way. Rachel was grateful for that. But was the emotional, physical and psychological abuse really the only way her father could show he loved her. That wasn't love.

Maybe Jason didn't love her either but he cared, didn't he? Maybe it was dangerous to start this. Jason had never pushed her to do more than she could handle. He knew she was new to dating. She knew he'd slept with other girls before moving to Jump City. He seemed all right with kissing and slowly doing more things. If Jason wanted to do more while they made out, he never let on, but she knew he had to want more. However, what if, after they got passed a certain point, there was no way to stop, even if she wanted to stop. Could she, should she risk being hurt just for a chance to feel like someone wanted her, to pretend she was loved?

Rachel felt her heart beating nervously in her chest. It was now or never. It wasn't really. There'd be other chances but that was how it felt to her. If she hesitated she knew she would lose her courage, her spontaneity. If she was really going to do this, she had to do it now. Rachel whispered, "Do you care for me?"

"Of course I do." Jason kissed her softly before he got up to go back to the sofa.

"Jason, wait …" She climbed out of bed. He was surprised to see Rachel wasn't wearing her jeans.

"Rachel?"

Rachel went over to him. She took his face between her hands. Her lips grazed his before she pressed her lips harder against his. She needed to feel as close to him as she possibly could. He returned the kiss with the same intensity.

They kissed passionately as she touched his body. The last time they'd kissed like that, they almost went all the way. Rachel remembered how Jason made her feel good. She needed to feel that again. She needed to feel like someone wanted her.

With trembling fingers, Rachel unbuttons her shirt, exposing a cami. She watched Jason watching her slowly slip her shirt off her shoulders. Seeing the desire in his eyes, she felt her face getting warm.

Gaining confidence by Jason's reaction, Rachel let her shirt fall to the floor. She was now just wearing bra, panties and a cami. Wanting, needing to have less things between them, Rachel pealed off her cami.

Rachel was relieved she was wearing matching bra and panties. She was also glad that they were cute, almost sexy. It'd be so embarrassing to be wearing old, plain things. A smile formed on Rachel's lips, it matched Jason's smile. He seemed to like what he saw. "You're beautiful," whispered Jason.

They embraced in a long, ardent kiss. Rachel closed her eyes as Jason touched her bare skin. His caress sent shivers up and down her spine. Her heart rate increased and her breathing became strained as his lips trailed down her neck. He caressed her barely covered body, producing soft moans from the raven-haired girl.

Rachel took a deep breath before she lead Jason to the bed, where he removed his jeans. Now underwear was the only thing between the two. She shyly eyed Jason. She couldn't believe she was doing this. Her eyes slowly traveled down, passed his waist. The bulge left no question that he was ready. She knew her face was turning red. Could she do this?

Once more, Rachel was in awe that she could make a guy feel that way, that she could make him hard. She'd never thought of herself as sexy or desirable. She'd always been ridiculed by boys. Now it was different. Tonight was different. She was in a hotel room with her boyfriend. This wasn't what they'd planned to do but this was what they were doing. Seeing Jason aroused and knowing she was the reason, Rachel felt warmth building in her core.

Jason got on the bed and rested back on his elbows. Rachel climbed onto him. Straddling him, she leaned over him. Her long hair fell around them as she kissed him passionately. Feeling her body rub against him, a deep low growl escaped from his throat.

Rachel's breath caught in her throat when she did that. She had no idea how enthralling, how sensual it would feel to have their bodies touch. Her body tingled with excitement. Only two pieces of thin fabric kept their bodies from contacting. They kissed passionately as their hands explored, touching each other. This was a lot more than they'd ever done.

They both had their underwear on but Rachel was almost overwhelmed by the electricity pulsating through her body. Her body practically ached for him to touch her. They kissed with increasing passion.

Rachel knew she was a complete novice when it came to all of this. She was glad she was with Jason. He had experience. Then again, any experience was more than she had. She knew he would make her feel. And Rachel knew Jason was someone safe. She had opened up about so much. Tonight, she was safe to feel.

Jason had always been so patient with her. Rachel knew he wanted to do more than simple kissing and holding hands. A part of her wanted to do more but she was scared. She was always afraid if they did too much, Jason would make her feel. Ironically, that was what she needed now. Rachel remembered how she felt one night when she let Jason cup her breast. Even though her clothes, she liked feeling Jason's touch. Rachel imagined tonight would be like that only so much better.

As their lips continued to press hungrily against one another, Jason put his hands on Rachel's waist. Rolling them over, a squeak of surprise escaped from Rachel. Now she was underneath him with her dark hair splayed around her and Jason between her legs. Rachel noticed Jason's eyes were dark with desire as he studied her. She knew her own pale skin was flushed.

Jason was careful not to put all his weight on her as his lips took over hers. Rachel couldn't believe how sensual it felt having her boyfriend settled tween her thighs. She knew she should slow things down, maybe even stop things before they got carried away. Didn't she say they shouldn't be so quick to have sex? Didn't she say there was no hurry?

Rachel knew Jason wasn't pressuring her. She knew that he would wait for her to be ready. She also knew that once they were together, that he'd been gentle. However, at the moment, he was making Rachel feel things she'd never felt before. And a part of herl wished Jason would press into her. She was nervous and scared of what he made her feel. But she also craved to feel those things. She wanted to feel things she'd never felt before. She wanted to feel alive.

Rachel was confused when Jason got off of her, then off the bed. She sat up. Where was he going? She smiled nervously when he pulled a condom from his jeans. She was really going to do this?

Jason returned to Rachel. He kissed her as he climbed onto the bed. She pressed her lips harder against his, wanting more. They kissed feverishly as their hands explored each other.

Jason's lips traveled down Rachel's neck. She moaned as he softly kissed her along her collarbone. Caught up in the passion, Rachel didn't object when Jason wrapped his arms around her and unhooked her bra. She knew she should probably stop him but she didn't care. She smiled at him as he slowly slid the straps over her shoulders and down her arms.

Rachel felt her face getting warm and her heart rate increasing. She was a little nervous because Jason was about to see her as no one had. She held her bra to her as she slipped her arms free from the straps. Taking a deep breath, Rachel pulled her bra from her body. The air was cool on her hot skin. Jason's smile widened at the sight of his girlfriend's bare chest. Rachel's grin also widened. She was glad he seemed pleased.

Carefully, Jason laid Rachel onto her back. The sheet felt soft and cool on her bare back. She even thought her long hair felt different against her back. Her every nerve was alert.

Jason tucked some stray strands of Rachel's hair behind her ear as he climbed onto her. Leaning over her, Jason murmured, "You are so beautiful."

Slowly, Rachel closed her eyes as a soft moan escaped her lips when Jason's hands took the place of her bra. As he caressed her, Rachel's breathing quickened at the sensations he made her feel. She was right. It was incredibly better feeling his hands on her bare skin. The intense sensations grew deep in her core.

Jason smiled as he pressed his lips to hers. Rachel ran her fingers through his hair as he kissed her down her neck. "Make …me feel … alive," she breathed.

His mouth moved further down her body. She gasped when he kissed her newly bare skin. He teased her with light kisses. She shivered when he lightly licked her sensitive flesh. When Jason took her into his mouth, Rachel's breath caught in her throat. His mouth was wet and hot on her burning skin. She'd never felt anything so overwhelming.

Rachel breathed his name with a raspy voice. She raised her hips, pressing her body against his. Another low growl escaped from Jason's throat. With his mouth still on her, he smiled. Then he continued teasing her with his tongue. Wiggling with pleasure, Rachel practically purred as he lightly nipped at her.

Rachel knew if they were going to stop, they'd have to do it soon, before they went too far. But the building sensations he made her feel were incredible. He made her feel wanted, alive. For once she felt like she was good enough.

Maybe that was what she needed. Maybe she needed to sleep with Jason so she could feel real, to feel whole. Maybe he shouldn't be gentle with her. Maybe she should just let him do things to her so she would know she was alive. Maybe, deep down inside, and part of her wanted to know what it was like to have hot sex.

As Jason's mouth greedily kissed her bare skin, the intense sensations grew within her. She couldn't help moaning and writhing underneath him. If he could make her feel so good with what they've done so far, what would it be like if they went all the way? Rachel moaned in his ear, "Ohh …Jason …I …need …you." Her face became red hearing those words slip from her lips.

"Are you sure?" asked Jason. His breath was labored. "Once we get to a certain stage, we can't stop. "

"I know. Make feel like I'm alive."

Jason smiled. "Okay, but I have some other things to do first."

Jason's hands expertly explored his girlfriend's body. He reached between her legs. His fingers brushed over the damp fabric, touching her. She inhaled sharply. Rachel had never been touched like that. She'd been curious but was too afraid to touch herself like that. Rachel couldn't believe she was about to make love. She hoped she did everything alright. She's nervous but wanted this.

Jason slowly pulled his hand from her. He pushed himself back and studied his girlfriend. Rachel saw the lust and desire in his eyes. She imagined she had similar desire in her eyes. "You're so hot," whispered Jason. That made her more aroused, knowing that Jason wanted her. She wondered why they'd ever held back. A part of her wanted Jason to tear off her panties off and make love to her until she screamed.

Jason's lips went back to teasing Rachel's body. He traveled down to her stomach. He teased her navel, making her let out a breathless giggle. He continued passed her abdomen.

Rachel watched with curiosity as Jason knelt back. She didn't know what he was doing. What Jason did next, surprised her. Jason delicately kissed each of her knees. Slowly, he kissed her inner thighs, going further up her thighs. Jason's face was inches from her. His hot breath on the wet fabric made Rachel's nerves tingle with excitement. She couldn't help moaning.

Slowly and gently, Jason kissed her in a most intimate way. She inhaled sharply and loudly moaned his name. Rachel's eyes rolled back as she closed her eyed. She couldn't believe how amazing he made her feel. She felt the lightening-like energy surging through her body.

Rachel writhed, squealed and moaned as Jason's mouth continued his loving assault between her thighs. She panted for breath. Her nerves were on fire. Rachel felt her core tightening like a spring. The intense sensations, the building tension he made her feel was almost too much. She didn't know how much more she could take.

Rachel threw back her head and cried out as the pressure building within her finally broke. Warm, tingly feelings flooded her body. Followed by slight pulsations at her core.

Slowly, Rachel started to relax. She couldn't believe what he'd just made her feel. Jason climbed back onto Rachel. She smiled as she caught her breath. She had no idea it would be that …that … , she had no words to describe it.

It didn't take long for the kisses to become passionate again. They kissed as if they couldn't get enough of one another. Rachel reached down, between their bodies. She tentatively touched him through his underwear. A guttural growl came from Jason. "Wait …" He groaned, "Not …yet …Let me …you first."

As their mouths hungrily sought one another, Jason slipped his hand under the waistband of her panties. He watched his girlfriend's face as his hand ventured farther. She closed her eyes and gasped when he touched her wet, delicate skin. She was excited having her boyfriend directly touch her intimately.

Rachel became tense and her eyes flew open when Jason started to push his finger into her. She didn't know why she didn't expect that. That was what she wanted.

"You okay?"

Rachel nodded. It felt so strange and foreign but it felt good. Giving her some time to adjust, he slowly pushed his finger into her. She closed her eyes as he did that.

Jason kissed her neck. Their torsos touched. Rachel's nerves were on fire. Her short navy nails dug into his back as he pushed another finger into her.

She was breathless. Rachel felt the intensity of excitement course through her body again. She didn't know how much more she could take. She felt as if she was going to explode. He certainly knew how to make her feel alive. Rachel raised her hips, pushing herself closer to him.

Rachel writhed with pleasure. She's never felt anything like this before tonight. Her body tingled as if it was on fire. Her breathing was labored. She felt as if her heart was going to beat out of her chest. It's was as if she'd run a marathon but better.

Once more, Rachel breathed his name as he touched her. As he continued, Jason caressed her most sensitive skin with his thumb. Rachel moaned as she arched her back.

Rachel grasped the sheets as a wave of electricity shot through her body. Once more she lost control of her own body. It was as intoxicating as it was moments ago. She was almost dizzy because of the overwhelming sensations. The dark-haired teen quivered and moaned. She felt herself tighten around Jason's fingers.

Panting for her breath, Rachel smiled as she calmed down some. That was incredible. She was amazed he could make her feel so excited and they hadn't actually slept together yet. Rachel was nervous but ready to lose her virginity to Jason. She spread her legs further apart, inviting him.

Jason pulled away from her. He was surprised by how hot Rachel was. She wasn't exactly shy but sometimes she was timid when it came to making out. Tonight she was so sensual. He was eager to be with her but had to be certain she was ready. "You sure?"

"Oh …God …yes …" Rachel moaned breathlessly. She was moments away from losing her virginity.

Not wanting to wait any longer, Jason grabbed the condom. Rachel smiled, "We're you expecting me to sleep with you sometime? Or do you just carry condoms in case you hook up with some girl?" Her questions were innocent. She was just teasing him but Jason felt a twinge of guilt. He had been with Terra.

Jason brushed aside the guilt and climbed back on top of Rachel. With his hands on her waist, he kissed Rachel's lips. He slipped his thumbs under the waistband of her panties. Jason got a memory of doing the same things with Terra. He tried to shake the memories but couldn't. He didn't want think about sleeping with Terra while he was with Rachel. Rachel didn't deserve that.

Groaning, he broke away from the kiss. Rachel went to kiss her boyfriend again. He put his hand up to stop her. "Wait. I can't. I kinda feel like you might not be ready for this." Jason got off of Rachel.

Clutching the sheet to her chest, she sat up. Confused, Rachel looked at him, "What? Don't you want this? Don't you …want …me?"

Reluctantly backing away from the seemingly willing girl, Jason got out of bed and grabbed his jeans. "I do want you. God knows I've thought of nothing else since that night we almost did it."

Grabbing her bra, Rachel quickly put it on. She went over to Jason. "Then, what's the problem?" She tried to kiss him.

Jason shook his head and turned away from her so he wouldn't see the pain in her eyes. "I'm ready. I want you but I don't think you're ready."

"What! We would've had done it that one time if your mother hadn't come home early. Why is tonight different? We were alone. We weren't going to get interrupted. We were moments from doing it now." Rachel paused, "I know you've been with other girls and I've never … Did I do something wrong? Am I …not good …enough?" Wearing only her bra and panties, Rachel started shivering. She had goosebumps forming.

When Jason turned back to face Rachel, he noticed that. He didn't know if it was because she was cold, angry or it was the effects of what they did but not having sex. It could've been a combination of those things. Jason didn't want her to be upset. He needed to make her understand without telling her the real reason.

"No, no, you did nothing wrong. The last time, I had a feeling you were unsure. When my mom came home, I could sense you were more than a little relieved. I think, right now, you might be too emotional about your mom. I don't want to pressure you into something you might regret later."

Wrapping her arms around herself, Rachel turned to the windows. 'How does everyone seem to know what I'm feeling when I have trouble knowing myself.'

Rachel turned back to face Jason. "What about what we just did? Our hands were all over each other. Your hands and mouth were all over me. You made me feel things I've never felt before. We were moments away from doing it. I was ready. If I wanted to stop, don't you think I would've done so earlier? Before I was nearly naked."

"I think you were getting caught up in it. I want our first time, your first time, to be special. It shouldn't be quick, just so you can say you did it. Besides, you're too young. Your father would kill me if he knew what we just did let alone if I slept with you. I mean, he freaked when he found us just kissing."

"Forget about my father. It's my choice, my decision to have sex. He doesn't get a say. And what do you mean, I'm too young? I'll be sixteen in a few months. How old were you for your first time?"

Jason hesitated, "Um, fifteen, but Rachel, it's different for girls."

"Damn double standards," mumbled Rachel.

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you."

Sighing, Rachel whispered to herself, "I just wanted …to feel …"

Jason thought he hears her say loved, but he wasn't sure. He placed a hand on her shoulder, "Rachel, I …"

She shrugged him off. "Forget it. We should get some sleep." Rachel went to the bed leaving Jason standing there, watching her. Climbing into bed, she turned off the light. "I'm sorry. This was all a mistake."

"Rachel …"

"No, it's okay. I'm okay. Don't worry, I get it. Get some rest, you have a long drive. We'll leave the first thing in the morning."

"What about finding your mom?"

The disappointed teen sighed, "Like I said, this was all a huge mistake. We shouldn't have come here."

"Rachel …"

"Good night."

Jason stared at her comforter covered form. Her back was to him. He knew what she was doing. Rachel was shutting him out. She was putting up walls again. When they started dating, she was often like this. Jason didn't want her going back to that. He didn't want her feeling rejected.

Jason grabbed the extra blanket. He got into bed with Rachel, the blanket was between them. Lying down, Jason gently put his arm around Rachel's waist. He felt her become tense.

Rachel tightly clutched her bedding. "No. Don't. I, I …can't …not, not now. Not after …"

"Shh, we're not going to do anything. I just want to comfort you. Try to relax."

Several minutes later Jason felt Rachel become a little less on edge.

After sleeping a few hours, Jason woke up confused. It took him a moment to remember where he was and why he was sleeping next to Rachel. He remembered that they almost had sex but didn't. He mentally kicked himself for screwing up.

He wondered why he woke up when Rachel moved some; she's tense again. She seemed to be dreaming. Jason wondered if she was dreaming about her mom. Seeing that Rachel clutched the bedding tighter to her, he realized she was having a nightmare. He wanted to comfort her but was afraid to wake her.

Soon Rachel began to calm down. She turned over and nestled against him. Jason tenderly wrapped his arm around her. The rest of the night, they slept soundly.

* * *

Rachel woke up to the sound of things shower. At first, she didn't know where she was. Why was she in a hotel room? Why was she wearing only her bra and panties? Groaning, she remembered the events of last night. They'd almost made love but Jason stopped right before they did. For some reason, he rejected her. Rolling onto her back, Rachel covered her face with her hands. "Ugh, I messed up everything." She stayed like that until the shower turned off. Sitting up, she wondered what Jason would say. What should she say to him?

Jason entered the room, running a towel over his hair. "Morning, Bubbles, I ..."

Rachel cut him off before he could say anything else. "Let me take a quick shower, then we'll go." Climbing out of bed, she grabbed her clothes and raced to the bathroom. Shutting the door, she leaned against it. Rachel sighed, repeated, "I messed up everything."

Stepping into the shower, the warm water felt good. Tears stung her eyes. Frustrated, she slammed her fists onto her thighs. She hissed faintly to herself, "I thought I was passed this. I haven't done this for years." As the tears streamed faster down her cheeks, she remembered years ago, crying in the shower so no one would hear her and there'd be no trace of her crying. While washing her hair, she let the tears flow. Rachel turned to the showerhead and let the warm water wash away her tears.

When Rachel came out of the bathroom, she was completely dressed with a towel wrapped around her hair. She searched her backpack while Jason continued watching TV. Irritated about not finding a comb or brush in her bag, Rachel pulled the towel off her head and returned to the bathroom. She came back to the room running her fingers through her long dark hair. It was drying in soft waves and hanging in her face some. "Okay, we can go back to Jump City now."

Turning off the TV, Jason suggested, "Why don't we get some breakfast first."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Sure, fine, whatever."

When they got on the elevator, a college-aged guy was already on it. He looked over the two teen. After checking out Rachel, he gave Jason an approving grin. Before he got off the elevator, he said to Jason, "Not bad. Way to go, dude."

Rachel looked up, confused. What was that guy talking about? Then it occurred to her. "Did that guy just assume we'd had sex?"

"Um, er ..."

Rachel crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. "Great."

* * *

After ordering, they sat in silence. Jason watched her as she looked out the window. Rachel tucked her hair behind her ears, revealing her face. Studying her, Jason noticed that she looked younger without any makeup on. Not that she usually wore a lot of makeup but her black eyeliner was sometimes like a mask, hiding what she was feeling. He didn't think she looked like a little girl. She just looked closer to fourteen than sixteen. Maybe it was for the best that they didn't have sex. Still, he didn't like hurting Rachel. He knew he needed to make her understand it wasn't her fault. "Rachel, about last ni …"

Rachel's phone rang. She recognized the number. It was the one she called yesterday. She glanced at Jason as she answered it.

"Hello?"

" _Is this Rachel Roth_?"

"Yes?"

" _This is …Angela. Are you still in Hamilton?"_

"Yes."

" _Would you be able to meet me?"_

"Really? Yes, where should we meet?"

 _"Do you know where Fraser Park is?"_

"Yes, yes I know where it is. Um, when should I …?"

 _"How about ten-thirty this morning? Is that a good time for you?"_

"Uh, yeah, that works for me."

" _Okay, bye."_

"Okay, um, I'll see you then. Bye." Rachel stared at her phone after the conversation ended.

Curious, Jason asked, "Well, who was that?"

Rachel looked up at him. Blinking several times, she seemed to have forgotten he was there. "That was my mom. She is here in Hamilton and she wants to see me." She could hardly believe she'd actually have a chance to see her.

Jason started to get up, "We can go now and eat later."

"No, I'm going to meet her at a park at ten-thirty, so we have time." Jason settled back down. Rachel absentmindedly stared out the window. Again, they sat in silence as they waited for their order to arrive.

Suddenly they heard a voice call out through the soft diner noise. "Rachel Roth, what are you doing here?"

Rachel frowned and slouched down in her seat. She knew that voice.

* * *

 **Comments are welcome.**


	15. Chapter 15: The House That Built Me

**Chapter 15: The House That Built Me**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Miranda Lambert or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **"I thought …/ … start healing" - The House That Built Me, Miranda Lambert**

* * *

Rachel turned to see a seventy-year-old woman approaching their table. The woman had a definite pear-shaped figure and burgundy-red hair piled on her head. The woman repeated her question. She screeched out, "Rachel, sweetie, what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in years."

Rachel forced a smile on her lips. "Mrs. Hayes, how are you?"

The woman's coral-colored lips turned from a smile to a pout. "I thought we were friends, you don't have to be so formal. You know how much I have an aversion to such unnecessary decorum between friends."

Rachel glanced at Jason. She narrowed her eyes at his amused expression. "I'm sorry, Mis, uh, Moya, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it. You never answered me, why are you here? Nothing's wrong is it?" Moya stopped to think a moment. Before Rachel could answer, she began again. "Shouldn't you be in school? You didn't drop out did you? Kids these days have no ambition. You just want to hang out at the malls and play video games." Jason had to stifle the impulse to laugh. This woman's description sounded nothing like the girl sitting across from him. Mrs. Moya Hayes continued, "I don't know what the world's coming to. In my day, we valued an education. It didn't matter if that education came from a textbook or a job."

Rachel had been trying to give Moya a reason for being in Hamilton but couldn't get a word in. When the old woman stopped to take a breath Rachel said, "Moya, I moved to Jump City, remember? I'm not skipping school. There's no school today, uh teachers' meetings." Rachel hoped she was believable.

"What a relief. I always thought you were a smart one. Now, you're going to go to college after high school, right?" Rachel nodded. "Good girl." Rachel cringed, 'What am I, a dog that deserves a treat for doing a trick?' Moya continued, "You will need a degree in order to have a good career. Don't just get a job. A smart young woman like you should have a career."

Rachel resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She knew the woman meant well. Rachel wished she would lose interest and leave. She wasn't that lucky.

"Oh, there's dad. Yoo-hoo, dad, I'm over here. See, it's little Rachel."

A short old man with thinning white hair approached their table. "Oh, hi, Rachel, how are you?"

Rachel gave him a weak smile. "Hi, uh, dad, I'm fine, how are you?" She almost hated to ask that question because she didn't know what kind of answer she'd get.

"Thanks for asking. I'm doing much better. A few days ago, my back was bothering me. I'm …"

Moya interrupted him, "Now dad, Rachel doesn't want to here about your lumbago. Especially since she's here with a ma-an. What's your name, sugar?"

"I'm Jason Xavier, ma'am."

"Nonsense with that ma'am stuff. We've known Rachel since she was a little girl. Oh, dad, remember that time when little Rae-Rae was playing in the rain in her birthday suit."

Rachel wanted to scream at them to go away. 'Would a meteor please hit the city and have this over with.'

Bill Hayes, or dad, came to Rachel's rescue. "Come on, ma, we don't have time to tell stories. We have to go meet the Josephsons before we go dancing tonight." He leaned over to Jason. "Women love dancing, remember that, son."

Jason nodded as he tried not to burst out laughing. "Thank you, I'll try to keep that in mind."

Moya recalled their plans. "Oh, yes, we have to meet with the Josephsons, thanks for reminding me, dad." She explained, "The Josephsons are our dancing partners but we're still better. We're in the running for the trophy this time."

Rachel mumbled, "That's nice."

Bill called out to Moya, "Honey, we should be going. See you around, Rachel, Jason." The teens said good-bye.

"Right, we should be going. Tell your mama and daddy I said hi. And remember, the key to wrinkle free skin in washing your face before bed and moisturizer. Don't forget moisturizer."

After they said good-bye to the jolly old couple and they left, Jason burst out laughing. "Who the hell was that?"

Rachel glared at him. "That was Bill and Moya Hayes, also known as ma and dad. They've call each other that since the beginning of time."

"Wow, she's kinda intense."

"She was my babysitter when I was little. She wasn't completely horrible. She knows how to raise kids. They have fourteen of them."

"So ... Rae-Rae …"

"Shut up."

"…you ran around in your birthday suit?"

She sent a death stare his direction. "I was two. Don't tell me there are no incriminating pictures of you as a baby."

They stopped talking when the waitress brought their food. She set a waffle and syrup in front of Rachel. In front of Jason, she set down the mega breakfast. Rachel eyed his large amount of food. "You're really gonna eat all that?"

Jason compared his pancakes, eggs, hash brown potatoes bacon and sausage to her single waffle. True it was a large waffle but he wondered how that was going to keep her full. Finishing a bite, he mumbled, "Yeah, of course."

Rachel rolled her eyes. 'Boys.'

* * *

Rachel instructed Jason how to get to her old house. "Turn left at the next light. Keep going straight. It'll be the forth house on the left after the school …um, I mean park. There used to be an old school there. Guess they tore it down."

Jason pulled the car to a stop. They both looked across the street at the small craftsman-style house. Rachel studied all the changes. The tree was larger, of coarse and there was another one added to the front yard. There were also more plants and flowers. The porch, front door and trim were a different color. She noticed all the fall and Halloween decorations.

Jason interrupted her thoughts, "Which room was yours?"

"What? Oh, um, my room was upstairs." She smiled at the memory of her old room. "It was kind of like an attic bedroom so the whole second floor was mine. My room wasn't really that big but I loved have the upstairs all to myself."

Jason liked seeing Rachel happy. He had an idea. "Wanna see what it's like now?"

"It doesn't look like anyone's home."

"Let's check it out." Rachel looked doubtful. He clarified, "We're not gonna break in, just see if anyone's home. What could it hurt?" After considering it for a moment, Rachel agreed.

Going up the front walk, Rachel noticed some letters in the sidewalk. "Omigod, they're still there." She brushed aside some leaves to show Jason the letters RTR.

She explained, "One summer, years ago, my parents were redoing the landscaping. They were having this sidewalk put in. My best friend and I were bored when we came home to find the wet cement. We thought it'd be fun to …"

"…play in the wet cement."

Remembering the fun she had, she laughed softly. "You guessed it. We wrote our names and drew in it. We put our handprints in it. It was kind of like clay to us, so we thought it'd be easy to fix."

Rachel's smile faded, "My parents were so angry at us. They had never been that mad at me before. I remember wanting to cry but not in front of my friend. Of course, my friend had to go home and I was grounded for what seemed like forever."

She traced the childish handwriting. "The handyman was pretty cool though. He calmed my parents down. He said he could fix it easily. After he got it smooth, he snuck me out here. He told me to write my initials small in this corner."

A car pulled into the driveway, startling them. A young woman in her early twenties got out of the car. "Can I help you?"

"I'm sorry. We didn't mean to bother you. I used to live here and we were in town so I thought I'd show my friend my old house. We weren't going to do anything. Just maybe ask to look around." Rachel noticed for the first time there was a toddler in the back seat. Realizing she was on the verge of babbling she offered an apology. "We won't take up any more of your time. We'll go now."

The auburn haired young woman said, "Wait, you used to live here? Was that just a few years ago?" Rachel nodded. The woman thought a moment before speaking. "Is your last name Roth?"

Jason and Rachel were confused, how did this woman know that. "Yes, I'm Rachel Roth."

The woman smiled, "Hi, I'm Amber Somers. Would you mind waiting a moment, I have something for you." Amber unhooked her daughter from the car seat. "Of course it might take a little while. I have to check if this squirmy little thing needs changing."

The teens looked at one another. They had time. Rachel nodded, they'd wait.

Jason and Rachel wandered up the driveway to the backyard. There were memories of her childhood all around. She smiled seeing the swing set. She was glad they kept it. It had been one of her favorite things to do.

Jason said, "You never said what Kitten has to do with this. I know you said she said those things about your mom, but how would Kitten know?"

Rachel wondered how much she should tell him. He's been pretty understanding so far. She hasn't straight out lied but she hasn't mentioned some things, like her mom. Rachel walked over to the swing set. Jason followed her. After they were each on a swing she said, "You know before I moved to Jump City I lived in Hamilton." Rachel kicked off. She pumped her legs a few times. It still felt good have the wind blow through her hair. She dragged her feet, stopping. "Um, so did Kitten. We went to school together. We'd been in the same classes from day one, since kindergarten."

"So that's how Kitten knew about your mom; she knew about her problems."

Rachel nodded, "We weren't just classmates, we were, um …friends, best friends."

Jason was shocked. "You and Kitten were best friends?"

Rachel laughed sadly. "Yeah, in grade school we were pretty much inseparable. We did just about everything together. But in junior high, she got new friends and got interested in boys. We started going our separate ways.

"It wasn't like Kitten was my only friend, I had others. But I've always been the quiet one in the group. I've always been into reading and art. I think I started distancing myself because I was scared about mom. When you're, I don't know, about ten or eleven years old some of that stuff really scares you."

Rachel rolled her eyes as she added sarcastically, "Yeah, I really wanted to be around people when Kitten started telling rumors about my family." She stared off into space for a moment then shook her head slightly as if she was trying to shake the memories. "I told her some things because I thought she was my friend. I guess she wanted to impress her new friends, so she told them things. Some of what she said was true but must most of them were lies."

Jason watched Rachel with curiosity and concern. He asked, "If you don't mind me asking, what were some of the things she said?" Rachel closed her eyes and furrowed her brow. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Shaking her head, "No, I can tell you." She let out a deep sigh. "The thing that ended our friendship was a major lie. I was so upset about mom that dad pulled me out of school for a few weeks. While I was out Kitten told people that mom had tried to kill herself. That part was true but I didn't want everybody knowing that. Kitten also said that either mom tried to kill me or I tried to commit suicide. I never did figure out which lie she told."

Jason muttered, "Why does Kitten always have to be a bitch?"

"Ever since then, I've been known as a creepy freak."

He leaned over and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry about everything Kitten did. You know you're not a freak."

Rachel pulled away. She smiled sadly and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." She looked down, studying the ground.

Jason lifted up Rachel's chin, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Bubbles, stop listening to Kitten. She's nothing but a superficial bitch. Stop living in this negative world of yours. I'm not trying to change you. I like you for who you are but I hate the pain you put yourself through by listening to all that shit. Promise me you'll try not to let Kitten's hatred bother you."

Rachel quickly nodded. "I'll try." 'But it's hard when you live with it constantly.'

Leaning in, they kissed gently. They jumped apart when they heard someone clear their throat. "Ahem, sorry," said Amber, holding her daughter on her hip and a simple wooden box in her other hand. "I didn't know it would take so long to find it. I had to call my husband to find out where he put it." She held the box out to Rachel, who eyed it with curiosity. Amber set her dark haired daughter down and explained "When we found these in the basement, I didn't have the heart to throw them away."

The young girl toddled over to Jason who was still sitting on the swing. She held her hands up to him. "Daddy!" Jason's face had a flicker of fear as it blanched. He gently tried to push the little girl away but she was insistent. "Daddy, Daddy up."

Smiling, Amber went over and swooped her daughter up causing her to giggle. "Sorry, Ruby thinks any guy with dark hair over a certain age is her dad." Little Ruby still reached for Jason. "Ruby, that's not daddy. Daddy's at work, he'll be home for lunch." To Rachel she said, "If you need anything else, I'll be inside."

Rachel glanced down at the box in her hands. "I think we're going to leave so we won't be in your way. Thank you for saving this and giving it to me."

Amber and Ruby waved good-bye before they went inside. As Jason and Rachel walked past the front walk Jason said, "Kitten was the friend who played in the wet cement with you."

Rachel sighed, "Yeah, we always thought we'd be best friends." 'That's the past, it's over. I'm anxious to get to the car to see what's in this box.'

Opening the box, they found some photographs and a small book. Rachel's never seen the book but guessed it was a diary. She was itching to read or at least flip through it but they didn't have a lot of time. She took out the pictures.

The first one looked like it a first day of school picture. Turning it over confirmed her thought. It read, Rachel, first day of first grade. Flipping the picture over again, she held it so Jason could see it. It showed a little girl with long dark hair pulled to the side in low pigtails. Wearing a blue and white striped dress, she stood smiling in front of the house. She's proudly showing off her apparently new backpack. Jason commented, "It looks like you were excited about school."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, I liked it alright back then."

The next picture had the same little girl. She was sitting on the porch steps. Gone was the smile and excitement. Replacing the smile was an irritated expression. Jason chuckled slightly. He recognized the little girl's expression. He'd seen Rachel with that same face many times. "What's with that look?"

"I don't know, maybe too many pictures? I don't remember."

There was a picture of Rachel as a little girl asleep on the floor in front of the Christmas tree. Opened presents were all around the tree.

The next one was of an Easter egg hunt. Rachel looked to be two or three. There were other kids around. They all had Easter baskets. Rachel held up Halloween bucket, wearing a determined look on her face. Jason laughed at that picture. Rachel said, "What? It held candy, didn't it?

The final picture was of two little girls, they looked like opposites. One had her dark hair in two messy braids and was fair skinned. The other one was tan with her hair up in curly blonde pigtails. The girls were eating popsicles and laughing at some unknown joke. The girls were obviously Rachel and Kitten at the height of their friendship. The moment of time captured when they thought they'd always be friends; there was no reason to believe otherwise.

Rachel frowned at that picture. When she was little, everything was much simpler. Maybe that wasn't true but it seemed so at the time. She sadly asked Jason about the time.

"It's a little after ten." He felt bad for Rachel. He knew she was struggling and wanted to help her but he didn't know how.

With a sad sigh, she replaced the photos and diary back into the box. She put the box in her backpack. "We should go. I don't want to be late for meeting my mom."

As they pulled away, Rachel glanced back at her old house. It was most likely the last time she'd ever see the house. Of course, she had that same thought years ago.

* * *

They pulled up to the Fraser Park, where they'd meet Angela. Jason asked, "You okay?"

Rachel let out a shaky breath, "Yeah, I'm just a little nervous, I guess."

"It'll be okay." He gave Rachel's hand an encouraging squeeze.

Rachel gave him a weak smile. She tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach. If possible, she was more nervous about seeing her mother than she was last night with Jason. Rachel still didn't know why or what went wrong last night but she couldn't think about that now. She was going to see her mom for the first time in about three years.

As they walked through the park, tried to steady her nerves. She stopped when she saw two people, a man and woman, standing near a park bench. Jason followed Rachel's gaze.

They were still a distance from the bench, but Jason thought he'd recognize the woman as Rachel's mother. She had long dark hair and a pale complexion like her daughter. The woman seemed to be around the same height and slim form as Rachel. "You okay?" Jason asked again.

"Yeah."

"Who's the guy with her?"

"I don't know."

Rachel stared at her mother and the man talking to her. He had dark hair and a stubbly beard. Rachel had no idea who he was. Was he just a friend, there for moral support? Or was he something more? Was this man, her mom's boyfriend? Was it possible that Rachel had a stepfather that she didn't know about? If that was the case, Rachel wondered, if he knew about her before today.

As these questions ran through her mind, Rachel's heart raced. A thought entered her mind. Ever since her mother left, Rachel's life has become more difficult. Her father's abuse gradually increased. She knew her mother wasn't to blame for what her father did to her. However, her mother just went on with her life. Rachel realized it must have been hard being in the hospital. And she must have worked hard to get out but why didn't she contact her daughter? Was she too busy with her new life to be bothered with her daughter?

"Rachel?"

"What?" Jason's voice shook her out of her thoughts.

"You okay? We should go over there."

She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. "Right. Come on." Even though she said they would go over there, she didn't move. Rachel was hurt and confused because things went wrong last night but she needed Jason. She tentatively reached out for his hand. She felt grounded and safe when his fingers laced with hers. Hand in hand, they walked over to the bench.

Rachel paused just before getting there. What should she say? Should she call her mom, mother or Angela? Rachel didn't know.

"Mom?"

Angela turned around. "Rachel?" It'd been years since she'd seen her daughter. She didn't know if she'd ever get this chance. Angela had wanted to contact Rachel but it was too dangerous.

The two females stared at one another. Neither one seemed to want to make the first move. Their male companions became nervous as the seconds ticked by.

Jason knew Rachel loved and missed her mother. He also knew she was hurt and angry. He didn't blame her. He'd probably feel the same way if he'd gone through what Rachel's been through. Jason glanced over to the dark-haired man. He seemed just as unsure of what to do as he was.

"Mom?" Rachel was the first to speak. When she did, her voice cracked with emotion. "I've missed you."

Hearing her daughter's voice thick with emotion broke Angela's heart. She held her arms open.

Rachel didn't hesitate. She was in her mother's arm. Somewhere she hadn't been for years. Somewhere she'd longed to be since her mother left. She repeated, "I've missed you."

Angela stoked her daughter's hair. She was afraid she'd never hold her daughter again. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here." After a few minutes, Angela held Rachel out at arms length. "Let me look at you. You're growing up to be a beautiful young woman." Rachel self-consciously wiped her eyes and slightly shook her head. "Yes, you are," said Angela. "Oh, this is my …friend, Raúl," she added as if she'd just remembered him. "He's here to support me."

"Hello, Rachel, I can see the resemblance. There's no doubt that you two are related."

"Hi, Raúl, uh, thanks," Rachel waved uncertainty. She didn't know what to say to the man with warm brown eyes. She still wondered if he really just a friend or something more to her mother.

"Oh my, look at her hair. It's so long." Angela held out some of her daughter's long black tresses.

"I haven't cut it since …for a few years."

Angela smiled. "I remember you had long hair when you were little. For some reason in the fifth grade, you decided you wanted to cut it short. I didn't want you to cut it so I wouldn't let you. You kept pestering me about it all summer. I finally gave in. For back to school, you would have the short hair you wanted. I kept asking you if you really wanted this. I remember I told you, you could change your mind until the first cut. You insisted on wanting short hair. The first snip of the scissors and the tears started to flow. You cried the whole time. Afterwards, you said you hated it and wanted it long again. I admit it was cute short but I missed your long hair. You didn't look like my little girl."

Noticing Jason for the first time, Angela asked, "Who's this? Is he your boyfriend?"

Color rose on Rachel's cheeks. "Yeah, you could say that. We've been dating for a little while. This is Jason."

"Nice to meet you, ma'am." Jason was surprised by how much mother and daughter looked alike.

Angela laughed softly. Her laugh sounded a little like Rachel's. "I can't believe my daughter's old enough to be dating. That makes me feel so old. You know Rachel, you've grown to be a beautiful young woman."

Again, Rachel's color deepened. "Mom, pretty maybe but I wouldn't say beautiful."

Her mother shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, whatever you say, but I still believe I'm right." To Jason she said, "Are you treating my daughter right?"

"Yes, ma'am, I try to treat her right." Rachel rolled her eyes and softly scoffed at that comment.

Angela didn't know why Rachel reacted like that. Was her reaction geared towards him or her? She looked back and forth between the two teens. Was there something going on between the two? They seemed very close yet distant at the same time. Angela couldn't help wondering how close they had gotten.

She felt guilt for missing out on so much of Rachel's life. She knew the teen years were crucial for a girl. Angela hated to think of what Trigon's idea of dating rules were. To be honest, she was a little surprised Trigon let their daughter date at all.

"So," began Angela uncomfortably, "you're doing good in school?"

"Yeah, guess I do alright."

"And friends? You must have a lot of friends."

Rachel shrugged, "I have some."

Angela smiled knowingly, "You're still the quiet one, aren't you?" To Raúl she explained, "My little girl always had her nose in a book or doing some kind of art."

Rachel shrugged again. She didn't know what to expect but she wanted more than simple small talk.

Rachel and Jason didn't notice Angela stiffen but Raúl did. He looked around the park trying to see what had spooked Angela. He didn't see anything out of the ordinary.

"Why didn't you write me when I was in the hospital?"

Rachel was confused, "I did write to you. I wrote to you all the time. At first, I would write and tell you about everything. Then it became just cards at the holidays, not letters. But I would jam those cards with information about what was going on. I continued to write to you, I just didn't send it. I wanted to remember all the things I wanted to tell you."

"I never got any cards or letters. You probably never sent them."

"I did send them …at first. After the first year, my cards and letters were returned. They were never opened. They were just stamped 'return to sender'. I thought you were mad at me."

Rachel studied her chipped nail polish. She felt like crying but didn't want anybody to notice. "I never heard from you. Not even a card on my birthday. Then you returned my cards without opening them. I told myself you were busy getting better but I couldn't help thinking you were blaming me for what happened."

Angela walked around. "We aren't able to do much here but I did make you cards and sent them to you for your birthday and Christmas. It may not have been the right day because it's easy to loose track of the days in here. I did send you those things. You never sent me anything."

Rachel sighed softly, "Mom, I did …"

Angela was getting agitated. She was flailing her arms about. "And you've never visited me before. Today's the first time in how many years that you've come to see me."

"I'm fifteen, mom, I can't drive yet. Once I can, I'll visit you more often."

"You could've taken the bus."

Rachel thought her mother knew they'd moved. Why didn't anyone tell her? "Um, mom, we don't live here anymore. We move to Jump City a few years ago."

Angela disapproved. "Humph, your father always wanted to live in the big city. Guess he got his way. Just like always."

"I promise I'll visit more often."

Angela looked skeptical, "Yeah right, you're just saying that to make me drop the subject. So you'll look like you're being a good daughter. You don't have to come." She scowled. "I've done fine these past few years. I can go a few more years before our next visit."

"Mom?" Rachel couldn't believe her mom was saying that. Things were going well. What happened? What went wrong? "Mom? I …

Turning her back on her daughter Angela snapped, "Enough! I don't want to hear anymore. I'm tired of this." Before leaving, Angela turned and glared at Rachel. "You always were just like your father. You're like him in every way."

That stung Rachel like a slap. She stared at her mom in disbelief. Her mother thought she was like her father. Angela didn't want Rachel around? What just happened?

Hurt and angry Rachel looked to Raúl for answers but doesn't speak until Angela was out of earshot . "What just happened? What's wrong with her? I thought she was better." She flung her arm out indicating the space where her mom was. "That's how I remember her being before. What did they do to make her better? Why did they let her out if she wasn't better?"

"It took a lot of hard work for your mom to get out of that hospital. She hated it there."

"I'm sure she did. How long have you known my mom?"

"I met her when she was still in the hospital."

"Were you a patient there?" Rachel didn't know if it was a good idea for two patients to get together even if they were better.

"No, my brother was in the same hospital for the same reasons your mom was there. When I visited him, I'd see your mom. She was always alone. Nobody came to see her and I knew how much isolation affected a person's recovery. So I started visiting her as well. Having a friend helped your mom. She started making progress. When she got out, we stayed friends. Um, we're pretty close."

"I was just a kid when everything happened. I was so scared and confused. And then we moved to Jump City. I couldn't come see her even though I wanted to."

"I know and I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. I think deep down, your mom understands."

Rachel frowned. "Then why did she say those things? If it'd help her, I'd stay away from her."

Raúl took a moment to choose his words. He didn't want to upset Rachel more than she was already. "I think seeing you here with your boyfriend, made her realize how much she's missed. You've grown up and you done that without her. Maybe she thinks you don't need her?"

"I do need her. You have no idea how much I need my mom." Rachel thought about how things were between her and her father. Maybe it was just as well that her mom wasn't around. She probably wouldn't be able to fix anything. "Take care of her. And tell her …I love her."

"I will, on both accounts," Raúl gave Rachel a warm smile. "I know it's hard but try not to worry. She's doing better and she does love you."

Rachel smiled sadly, "Thanks."

Rachel and Jason watched Raúl walk off in search of Angela before they headed to Jason's car. The dark-haired teen wrapped her arms around herself. "You know what hurt the most was when she said I was like my dad. She spit out 'your father' like it was poison. It sounds like she hates him. Do you think she also hates me? That she blames me for what happened to her?"

"She doesn't hate you. You heard what Raúl said. I think she's scared and confused about what's happened to her. Like he said, seeing how much time has passed startled her and she freaked out." Seeing Rachel's worried expression he repeated, "Rachel, she doesn't hate you."

"I hope you're right. Guess I didn't get any answers. It was a huge mistake coming here."

Jason tried to cheer her up some. "You got that diary and those pictures. That's something you didn't have before."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She let out a deep sigh. "We should probably get back to Jump City."

Starting the car Jason asked, "Want something to eat while we're here?"

Rachel rolled her eyes slightly. He was thinking about his stomach again. "Yeah, sure, could we go through drive-thru? I don't really want to see anybody."

* * *

Raúl found Angela in their car. She had her head down on the dashboard.

"Angela?" he asked softly. He didn't want to startle her.

Angela lifted her head. "What did I do? I scared her away. Some mother I am."

"What happened back there? Why did act like that?"

"I had a feeling that someone was watching us."

"I wondered if that's what you felt. I looked around but didn't see anyone unusual. I didn't see anyone matching your description of Trigon."

Angela shook her head, "He wouldn't come here himself. He'd send someone. All these years and there's been nothing. Why now?" Angela absentmindedly chewed on her thumbnail. "I thought after he sent the divorce papers to the hospital and I signed them, we were done."

She covered her mouth and nose with her hands. Her mind was frantically trying to sort things. "I did what he wanted. I left and never contacted Rachel. In the beginning, I saw the cards or letters that Rachel sent. I knew I couldn't read them so I sent them back. After the first few, I told them to just send them back without me knowing about them. It hurt too much to know how much she missed me."

Raúl put his arm around Angela, trying to comfort her. "I know it was hard but you did what had to do."

"I didn't mean to, I didn't want to hurt her. Rachel must be so confused and hurt. I didn't want to do that."

"I know, but she'll be okay. I think that kid, Jason, will help her."

"I can't believe it, she has a boyfriend. My shy daughter has a boyfriend. I don't know how serious they are but she needs me. And I can't be there for her. I wish I could. How did she find me?"

"I don't know, but with the Internet people can find almost anything or anyone."

"I thought I was being careful. And no matter how much I wanted to, I never contacted Rachel. I wrote her letters but you know I never sent them." Angela began to tremble as a thought entered her mind. "What if he thinks I contacted Rachel? What if he comes after me?"

"He's not going to come after you, not after all this time."

"You don't know that. Oh my God, what do I do? Trigon's so controlling. I should've ran. I should've grabbed Rachel and ran as far as I could when I found out he had a gun. Instead, I tried to come up with a plan to leave. He found out, somehow he found out I was going to leave him."

She stopped to take a few breathes. She needed to calm down but couldn't. She was terrified of her ex husband. "He threatened me. He told me I could leave but I'd have to go alone. I'd have to leave Rachel with him. I never thought he'd hurt his own daughter but I didn't want to leave her. His other option was for me to stay but he controlled me."

Angela stifled a sob. Raúl held her tighter. "I couldn't stay. I didn't want to leave Rachel but I couldn't stay. I knew he'd kill me. The abuse was getting worse. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm a horrible mother. I left my daughter with him."

Raúl knew all of this but it still upset him. His heart ached for the woman her cared for. His anger raged for the man who at one time said he loved Angela but ended up hurting her horribly. "You did what you had to do. You said when you were sure things were safe, you'd go get Rachel. If you'd stayed and he'd killed you, there'd be no one to help your daughter. There's still a chance for you two to be together."

Angela broke down in Raúl's arms. She repeated softly, "I'm so sorry, Rachel, I didn't mean to hurt you again."

* * *

Driving back to Jump City, they discussed just about anything except Rachel's mother. Well, Jason did most of the talking. He was trying to distract Rachel. Jason turned to Rachel to ask her a question but found she was asleep.

About an hour later, Rachel jumped in her seat. The seatbelt held her back. She was confused and struggled with it. Her heart was racing. She broke into a cold sweat. Rachel ran a shaky hand through her hair. She wondered, 'Did any of that really happen? Was it really just a dream?'

"Rachel, Rachel, you're okay, you're safe. I think you had a nightmare."

"What?" Trying to focus, she turned to Jason, "Oh, um, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?"

Starting to calm down, Rachel searched her memory. That never happened. There was never a gun was there? She lied, "No, I don't remember what it was about. It's already faded."

Thinking about the nightmare, Jason asked, "Do you often have nightmares?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"You just had one now and I think you had one last night."

"Sorry."

"Rachel, don't be sorry. I just wanna help you if I can."

Rachel looked out the windshield, at the city on the horizon. "I think this thing about seeing mom has dug up some things in me. Don't worry, I don't usually have nightmares about mom." Nightmare about her father, that was a different story. A story no one would know about.

He gave her a smile, "I just want you to be happy, you know."

Smiling back she said, "I know. Thanks for looking out for me. And thank you for coming with me. Hope you don't get into too much trouble with your mom."

Jason laughed, "I can handle her. So, do you work tomorrow?"

Glad to change the subject, Rachel said, "No, I'm off. Please thank your mom again for helping me get that job at the café."

"Hey, it was no problem. She like you and likes working with you. Did you wanna do something?"

"I'd love to but I have a dinner thing with my dad. He's meeting with a client who's a real family man. This guy wants to meet my dad's family and that's me. I'm so lucky. I get to dress up; go to a stuffy restaurant while they talk business." She rolled her eyes, "That sounds like loads of fun."

"Well, if your 'evening of fun' gets done early, call me. Maybe we can see a movie or something."

* * *

When Jason dropped Rachel off at her house. She's relieved her dad's not home. She hurried up to her room and removed the box from her backpack. She looked at the photos before opening the diary. It did belong to her mom.

Entry from Angela's diary, early 1995: _"Oh God, I can't stand them! They make me so angry! They are so self-righteous!_

 _"I love Trigon and they can't stop that. What do they know about love? NOTHING! They certainly don't know how to love their daughter. Yelling at me everyday is not going to make me see things their way._

 _"If I work a little harder and improve my grades, I can graduate early. Then I can move out and be with Trigon all the time. He's been talking about marriage. "_

Entry from Angela's diary, summer 1995: _"I am so happy. I don't think I've ever been happier. I just found out I'm pregnant. I'd had a feeling something was going on. I went to the doctor and she confirmed it. Trigon and I are so happy. I am a little scared. This year everything is happening so fast. I graduated, got married and now I'm having a baby. I'm only 17 years old._

 _"I hope I'll be a good mother. I know what not to do. I don't want to be anything like my mother. I wonder if she'd be happy to know I'm happy. I don't know and I don't care. They are out of my life now. I have my own new family with Trigon and our new little bundle."_

Another entry, fall 1995: _"Oh my goodness! This little one wants out. She is kicking and wiggling. I think we're having a girl. Tri thinks it's a boy. I think that's only because he wants to throw a football around with someone._

 _"I'm getting so big and I still have a few months to go. I don't know how much longer I can last. I can't even see my feet anymore._

 _"This little one likes to listen to music. It doesn't matter what I'm listening to. She seems to move or dance to the music. Maybe she'll be a dancer. My favorite time is when it's just the two of us. She likes it when I sing to her. If she's not a dancer, maybe Tri will get his wish and she'll be a great soccer player._

 _"I'm so excited and scared. I never thought I'd have children, but now I can hardly wait. I still can't believe it. I have a small, tiny person growing inside me. I've never had something so innocent dependent on me before. I hope I don't make too many mistakes."_

Another entry, February 1996: _"I got my little valentine a little early. The doctors thought the baby would be due around the 14th but she came about 2 weeks early._

 _"I don't think I could be any happier. I have my sweet little girl with me now. She's beautiful. She has large dark blue eyes with long dark lashes. I've never seen lashes like that on a baby, but I haven't seen too many babies in person. She has a head full of black hair. Oh, and her little button nose. She's adorable! Trigon says she'll be a heartbreaker and he won't let her date until she's 30. Ha, ha, ha!_

 _"I am a mother. That's so strange for me to say. I am a mother to this sweet, perfect little girl. Tri laughs at me because I keep counting her fingers and toes. But I'm amazed. I can't believe something so perfect and complete came from me._

 _"Rachel Tara Roth, my sweet baby girl, I hope you always know how much I love you."_

That was the last true entry. There were some notes about Rachel as a baby: doctor's visits, height and weight changes, first tooth. Little milestones like that but no actual entries.

A picture fluttered from the back pages. Rachel wiped the tears from her eyes and picked it up. She turned it over and a small gasp escaped her lips. It was a picture of Angela with a newborn Rachel.

Eighteen-year-old Angela looked much like Rachel did now. She wore a large smile as she gazed down at the newborn in her arms. The newborn, Rachel, was wrapped in a light pink blanket. She had one arm out and was gripping her mother's finger. Rachel was amazed by how much hair she had as a baby.

The mother and daughter looked so peaceful. The image in front of her began to blur as tears filled Rachel's eye. 'She loved me and wanted me. Dad's been lying. She's always wanted me. I'm glad I made her happy for a while. I know she doesn't hate me now. She's scared. I'm scared. Mom, I hope you get better soon. I love you.'

Rachel placed the diary and photos back in the box. She hid the box under somethings in the back of her closet. She didn't want her father to find them. She was terrified about what he'd do if he found out she went to Hamilton.

* * *

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 **Well, anyways, thanks for reading and as always comments and/or suggestions are welcome.**


	16. Chapter 16: Numb

**Chapter 16: Numb**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own anything, not the Teen Titans, Linkin Park or these lyrics!**

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 **"Every step … mistake …" -Numb, Linkin Park**

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Rachel was back home, in her house in Hamilton. She wandered around; it looked like it did when they moved out. She heard her parents arguing. Searching for them, she went through a doorway. Everything changed. It was the same house, but it looked like it did when she was little. Rachel found herself as a little girl huddled under the kitchen table. The little girl was crying. Her parents were in the kitchen yelling at one another. A younger Trigon roared, "You spent two hundred dollars on her?"

"She needed things," said Rachel's mother.

Trigon mocked her, "'She needed things.' She needed two hundred dollars worth of shit?"

Teenage Rachel yelled out, "I don't need anything." But they couldn't hear or see her.

An Angela, in her twenties, tried to stay calm. "She's growing. She needed new clothes, new shoes."

Both Rachels flinched at the sound of his hand hitting Angela's cheek. The adults heard young Rachel's reaction. Trigon reached under the table for his young daughter.

Angela, who was holding her cheek, and Rachel screamed, "Leave her alone!"

Grabbing little Rachel's arm he pulled her over to her mother.

Angela tried to reason with her husband. "Tri, leave her alone. She's just a little girl. She doesn't have to be apart of this. This is just between us."

Tightly grasping the young girl, he snarled, "You like making your mama cry? This is all your fault."

"Trigon, you know that's not true. Let her go and I promise not to spend too much any more. I promise I won't make you angry any more."

"You're lying. You and this brat are always doing something to annoy me."

"No, I'm not lying." Angela tried to coax little Rachel away from her father. "Tri, let her go upstairs. She's just five years old. This has nothing to do with her. You're mad at me. Don't take it out on her."

Trigon shoved his daughter to her mother. "Get the brat out of my sight. I'm sick of her sniveling."

Fifteen-year-old Rachel watched her mother comfort the younger version of herself. "Raeberry, go upstairs to your room. Look through some picture books or color me a picture. Whatever happens, stay in your room." Angela turned to the older Rachel and looked her in the eye. "Go with her. I need you to be with her so she doesn't feel so alone. Maybe she won't be so scared. Please, go with her."

Rachel was surprised she was seen. Rachel quickly nodded. She turned to follow the little girl just as Trigon grabbed his wife's arm and twisted it. Rachel tried to ignore the fighting as she went through her childhood home.

She entered her bedroom; it was decorated for a five year old. Little Rachel was lying on the bed but she's now about ten years old. "Lithium" by Evanescence seeped out of her headphones. As the screaming downstairs became louder, ten-year-old Rachel turned up the music.

The older Rachel turned to go downstairs to help her mother.

"Stop. Don't go down there. You're supposed to stay here, with me, remember. If you go down there, you'll only get in trouble. You'll be the next one to get hurt." A single tear rolled down the younger girl's cheek. "Something happening to her daughter will hurt her more than anything he could do to her."

The Rachels rushed to the door when they heard a loud crash then screams.

* * *

Bolting upright, Rachel gasped for air as she looked around her room. Everything was still the same. Moonlight shone through her bedroom window. She ran her trembling hands through her hair. Glancing at her clock, she saw it was just after midnight. 'Ugh! I had that dream again. Why? Why did I have it?' It was the same dream, her parents were fighting in the house in Hamilton.

Catching her breath, she wiped the sweat from her forehead. Why did she have this dream again? She'd never had one like it before. She's had nightmares about her father's abuse but not about her mother. Rachel's had it ever since she saw her mom. What did it mean? Lying down, Rachel pulled the blanket up to her chin. What did that dream mean? She didn't remember her father physically abusing her mother. Yeah, he was often belittling and intimidating but never physically abusive, until recently. Why didn't she remember any of that if things were as bad as her dream showed? Did her mother shield her from the violence? Is that why she was so depressed and tried to kill herself?

Rachel rolled onto her side. Clutching the blanket, she stared into the moonlit room. Wouldn't she remember any of that? Why did she have this dream again? Many thoughts floated through her mind as she began to drift to sleep. Rachel hoped for a dreamless night.

In the morning, things were still quiet in the Roth household. Rachel was relieved her father hadn't found out about her going to Hamilton but she was anxious that he would. She didn't know how he'd find out, unless the someone from the hospital called him. That hadn't happened yet and she hoped it never would.

At the breakfast table, Trigon brought up the that night's dinner. "Do you know what you're wearing, yet?"

Rachel poked at her eggs. She didn't want to go to this dinner. "I don't know."

Trigon grabbed the morning paper before sitting with his coffee. "Well, have you thought about that purple one?"

"What purple one?"

"The purple dress you bought for that school dance awhile ago. Why don't you wear that one?"

Rachel was surprised, "You remember that dress?"

"It reminded me of one of your mom's dresses so of course I remembered it. Besides, wouldn't the purple look good with your dark hair?"

Rachel couldn't get over the shock. She was talking about fashion ...with her father of all people.

* * *

That afternoon, Rachel took a short shift to cover for someone who called in. As she was working, Jinni came in. She sat at the counter, in front of Rachel. She leaned her elbows on the counter. She wore a mischievous grin. "Sooo ..." sang Jinni, "tell me everything about the other night. What was it like?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You called me the other day and told me you had to stay in Hamilton and you were with Jason. You two had to stay at a hotel, sooo ..."

Rachel looked around the café. It's not very busy but she didn't want to have that conversation with an audience. She motioned for Jinni to follow her. As she grabbed her jacket, Rachel called out, "I'm going on my brake. I'll be back soon."

When the teens got to the alleyway behind the café, Jinni said, "Okay, so what happened?"

"Nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing'? You were alone in a hotel room with your hot boyfriend, how could nothing happen? We're you too nervous? Too shy?"

Rachel crossed her arms. "No. Nothing happened."

Jinni was confused, "You two didn't make out or anything? I thought you were there to hook up?"

"That wasn't the original plan but that's where things were headed. As far as making out, we were. In fact, I started things. We were in bed and our hands were exploring each other. What he made me feel, with his hands and mouth, was incredible. I was a little overwhelmed but I was ready. He started to pull off my underwear, then just stopped."

"What? He stopped? At that point? You mean he couldn't ...? Wasn't he ...?"

"No, Jason was, you know, ready. I don't know why he stopped."

"Didn't you ask him?"

"Of course I did. He said he thought I wasn't ready. But how was that possible? Like I said, I started it."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think Jason would shy away from sex."

Rachel looked down at her hands as she shrugged. "I don't know what went wrong. I was so frustrated and confused. I still am, especially since he acts like nothing's wrong."

Sighing, she continued, "I'd just told him something very personal. It took a lot for me to do that; to be that open. I decided it was the perfect time for me to open myself to him, emotionally and physically. I was sure he wanted me. If he didn't, he could've, he should've stopped things before I started undressing."

Jinni rubbed Rachel's arm. "I'm sorry."

Rachel shook her head. "I think I would've understood things better if we had gone all the way and then he broke up with me. I'd feel hurt and used but I'd know what happened. Right now, a part of me feels rejected. It's like I'm not good enough to ..."

"Aww, I am really sorry. You shouldn't feel this way about your first time or your almost first time. It's unbelievable how stupid guys are."

The two girls were quite for a while. They were lost in their own thoughts.

Jinni got a twinkle in her eyes. "Before he slammed on the breaks, how was it? You said he made you feel things you hadn't felt before."

"Yeah," Rachel blushed remembering the things Jason did to her a few nights ago, "it was ...pretty hot. There were sometimes I thought I would explode. His hands ...and mouth were all over me. I'd never done a lot of those things. I can't help wondering what it'd be like if we did do it."

Jinni sighed, "I need to get a boyfriend or at least a friend with benefits. I like not being connected but I want to be with a guy again. I want to have sex again. And not to brag but I'm pretty good at it."

"Jinni!"

"What? As long as you're smart about it, there's nothing wrong with sex." Receiving a confused look from Rachel, Jinni explained, "Make sure you're ready before you sleep with a guy. And I don't mean just the first time. I mean be sure for each guy. That's what I do. Even if it's something casual, I make sure to protect myself physically and emotionally.

"It's not really a good idea to sleep with a guy to try to keep him. So, I don't know, maybe what happened or didn't happen between you two was for the best. Maybe you and Jason aren't meant to be together. If that's the case, it'd be harder to break up with him if you're sleeping with him."

"I wish I knew what to do. It's not as if I can really talk to my dad about this. If he knew I was thinking about sex, he'd probably lock me in the basement or something."

"You could talk to my mom, if you want to?" suggested Jinni uncertainly. Rachel shook her head. "Yeah, I don't blame you. But if you change your mind, let me know.

"You know, if you do break up with Jason, I don't think it'll take you long to find another boyfriend. You're pretty and smart. Yes, you are. But you've gotten over the first hurdle of the first boyfriend."

Jinni considered things, "I think if Garth wasn't dating someone, he'd go out with you. Have you seen the way he looks at you? Wow, if you two got together in bed, there would be a tangle of long dark hair."

"Jinni!"

"You know I'm right about that. Anyway, I wouldn't worry about it. Whether it's with Jason or someone else, I'm sure you'll be with somebody before the year is over."

* * *

That evening, Rachel put on the deep purple dress her father had mentioned. It was a simple satin knee-length A-line dress. The wide straps gave the dress a square neckline. The modest dress fit Rachel perfectly. She didn't want to go to this dinner but her father insisted. If she had to go, she wished she didn't have to wear a dress. However, if she had to wear a dress to that stupid dinner at least it was one she liked.

For some reason, Rachel was having a strange feeling about that night. As she twisted her hair into a low loose bun, Rachel tried to figure out the feeling. Was she just thinking about her mom? Her father said that dress reminded him of one of her mother's dresses. It was either that or Rachel was nervous that he'd find out that she saw her mom.

When she went downstairs Trigon was amazed by how his daughter resembled Angela. "You're the spitting image of Angela when I met her. You know, I met her when she was about your age."

"Really?" They hadn't talked about her mother in years. Rachel wondered what brought this on.

Trigon reminisced, "Her parents were very strict. I'm not sure if she was rebelling against them but we feel in love. We got married just after she graduated. Within a year, you were born." He pulled out a box and gave it to Rachel. She glanced up at him confused, her birthday was months away. "Go ahead, open it."

Opening the box, Rachel found a necklace with a butterfly pendant. Aquamarine gemstones made up the wings. It wasn't something she would've picked out for herself but it was pretty. She was surprised, "What's this for?"

"You're growing up. I just thought you might like something nice. Here, let me put it on you." He stepped behind her and fastened the clasp. He stood behind her as they looked into the hall mirror. Trigon repeated, "You're growing up. You'll be going off to college soon. I know I've been a little hard on you lately. I'm just trying to do what's best for you. It's so hard being a single parent. I never thought I'd be doing this on my own. I don't like you being pain but sometimes I have no choice. You realize I'm so hard on you because I love you, right?"

Rachel toyed with the pendant as her father spoke. She was studying their features. Father and daughter looked nothing alike. Rachel took after her mother. She had her coloring, her eyes. The only thing Rachel thought she had in common with her father was their temper.

How could she agree that his abusive ways were for the best? How could she be on his side, the side that went against what was best for her? She had no choice. There was no one to turn to, nowhere to go. Besides, it wasn't that bad. She was often anxious and on edge but she wasn't beaten daily. Others had it worse, so she really had no reason to complain, right?

She understood that her father wanted what was best for her. She understood he meant he wanted her to not make any mistakes. Mistakes reflected poorly on him. Rachel also knew there was a problem with not making mistakes. No mistakes made her perfect. She couldn't be perfect, that was how her father saw himself. No matter what she did, she'd be wrong.

Rachel couldn't see any other choice, she had to agree with him. "Yeah, I, I understand."

Trigon warmly rubbed his daughter's arms. "Good, I knew you'd understand. We should go. I don't want to be late."

As they drove through the city, Rachel asked, "You never said where we are going."

"We're going to that French restaurant, En Saison. It was the client's choice." Rachel wondered what it'll be like. She'd never been to somewhere that fancy.

When they arrived at the restaurant, they were the last ones there. The client, Nick Simmons and his wife, Claudine were already there. Slade was also there. Rachel didn't know why she was surprised to see Slade there but she was.

Mrs. Simmons said, "Everyone, please call me Claudine. I just love everything French. Nick and I met at college in Paris. I would love to live there again. It is such a beautiful city. Rachel, you'll be going away to college in a few years, any ideas about where you'd want to go?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm not really sure where I want to go. I have kind of thought about a school out of state." She tried to avoid her father's eye. That was the first time Trigon has heard about that.

Claudine offered some advice. "You shouldn't count out Paris." She turned to Trigon. "I know what you're thinking, dad. It's too expensive and too far away. She could get scholarships and technology and travel are always improving so you'll always be connected. Like I said, Paris is a beautiful city."

Trigon chuckled softly. "I'm not worried about the money. Nothing is too good for Rachel. I'm just surprised she would go so far away. We're really close, she's daddy's little girl." Rachel inwardly cringed. That might have been true when she was little but that wasn't the case now.

When Claudine got a call, she left the table so she could take it. She came back and apologized. "I'm sorry I'm not able to stay. I have another commitment that I can't reschedule. You know how it is when you're back in town; there's so much to do in such a short amount of time. It's a pleasure to meet all of you. Trigon, you have such a lovely daughter. I can see why you'd want to keep her close. Rachel, whatever you decide on, I'm sure you'll do great."

With Claudine gone, Rachel had no one to talk to. Rachel was sure the night was going to be boring. She decided she could at least practice reading French. While the men discussed business, Rachel tried to translate the menu. She scanned the menu, _escargots a l'ail ...calamars ...steak tartare._

She frowned at some of the things she saw. She didn't think she'd ever eat snails in garlic, squid, or raw beef. Those things didn't sound appetizing at all. She was sure Gar would freak out in a place like this. She was so surprised by how expensive everything was. Then again, Rachel was used to casual restaurants and fast food places. She was shocked when the men each ordered something that was at least thirty dollars. Scanning the menu again, Rachel searched for something she would eat when she saw _pommes frites_. She smiled to herself; she could have the house salad and the _pommes frites_ , French fries.

After everyone's made their order, Mr. Simmons commented about Rachel speaking French.

Trigon said, "She takes French in school." Rachel's surprised he knew that. Of course, she told him her classes at the beginning of the school year; she didn't think he'd remember.

Mr. Simmons said, "You do? _Parlez-vous français_?"

"Do I speak French? A bit, I speak a little bit. _Un peu, je parle un peu_."

" _Le français est une si belle langue_."

" _Oui_. Yes. French is a beautiful language." Rachel wasn't used to speaking it outside of class. They spoke it in class but it was usually sentence structure and conjugating verbs. She'd never had any conversations with someone who has lived in France.

" _Souhaitez-vous dire chose en français_?"

What did he mean say something in French? Wasn't that what she's been doing? Rachel didn't know what else to say. Maybe she should thank him for inviting her to dinner and comment on the beautiful restaurant. "Um _, je vous remercie de m'avoir invite a diner. Le restaurant est magnifique_."

Beside her, Slade muttered under his breath, " _Tout comme vous mon petit oiseau_. Just like you, my little bird."

Rachel heard him. She glanced around the table. Did he just say what she thought he said? No one else seemed to hear what Slade said. Rachel once again wished she could be with her friends. More over, if she had to be her, she wished she didn't have to sit next to Slade.

The meal continued uneventfully. Rachel continued to be bored. She wondered why she had to come; they're only discussing business. With the exception of them talking to her at the beginning, they seemed to have forgotten her. Rachel kind of wished Mrs. Simmons didn't have to leave. Maybe she would've had someone to talk to.

Bored, she excused herself from the table. Rachel went to the restroom to check for any messages. There was only one; it's Kori wondering if she wanted to do something that night. Rachel sighed. Why couldn't she have gone with Kori instead? She checked the clock on the wall. She'd been away from the table about five minutes. She sighed again, deciding she should probably go back to the table, not that she thought they noticed she was gone.

A waiter stopped Rachel on her way back to the table, "Miss Roth?"

"Yes?"

"Your father asked me to tell you he'd meet you at the car." Rachel thought it was a little strange but she didn't question it. She was ready to leave.

The parking lot was dark and quiet. Rachel wished they had parked under a light. She wasn't usually afraid of the dark but she wished her father would show up soon. The car was locked so she couldn't even wait in there.

"Hello, Rachel," a male voice said from the shadows.

Rachel jumped. She recognized the voice. "Mr. Wilson, what are you doing here?"

He stepped out of the darkness. "Call me Slade. We've known each other long enough to forgo the formalities. I've watched you grow up over the past few years."

Rachel felt uncomfortable being alone with Slade. She repeated, "What are you doing here?"

He walked over to her. "I'm here to see you."

Rachel backed away from him. "My father will be here soon."

Slade chuckled, "Sweet Rachel, you know your father is busy with business. He's so busy he probably doesn't even notice we're not there." He kept walking over to her. When Rachel backed up against the car, she felt trapped. She felt like her pounding heart was going to pop out of her chest.

He put his hand on her shoulder. Rachel looked down at his hand.

When he spoke, she looked up at him. "Having a boyfriend has been good for you. You've bloomed from an awkward little girl to an appealing young woman. Your boyfriend must be very lucky."

Panic filled her eyes when he lifted her chin up towards his face. "I ..."

He put a finger on her lips. "Shh, don't say anything." He took a step closer to her. He traced her lips with his finger.

Paralyzed by fear, she just stared up at him. In her mind, she screamed, 'This can't be happening!'

He said, "You won't tell anyone about this, will you?" She slightly shook her head no. "Good girl. We should go somewhere more private."

A car alarm shrilly sounded off down the street. For a second Slade was distracted. That was enough time for Rachel to slip away from his grasp.

Rachel hurried back to the restaurant. Not wanting to draw attention to herself, she slowed down once she entered the building. She gave the hostess a nervous smile as she passed her. She didn't want anyone to know what almost happened. Her stomach churned thinking about what could've happened. She hurried the restroom.

She stared wide eyed at her reflection. Her skin was flushed. Rachel brought a trembling hand to her mouth. That didn't …he didn't try to …? If that car alarm hadn't gone off, how far would it have gone? Would he have …? He's a bastard. She slammed her fists onto the vanity. "No. I wouldn't let him do that to me. I'm not completely defenseless. I …I'd never let that happen." Rachel shivered at the thought of Slade having his hands on her.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. It was Trigon. "Rach, are you all right? The waiter said you've been in here awhile."

Rachel struggled to keep her voice steady, "I'm okay. I'll be out in just a minute." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She knew she had to calm down. She couldn't let on that anything happened. Nothing happened and she was very relieved about that. She splashed water on her face. Patting her face dry, her breathing became steady. Rachel jump when her hair slipped down onto her shoulder. She chastised herself, "Calm down. You can't be jumpy like that or dad will know something's up." She fixed her hair and took several deep breaths before returning to the table.

Trigon was at the table with a dark-haired woman. Mr. Simmons was gone, so business must be done. Who was the woman? Rachel was surprised by how familiar they were. How close were they?

"Tri, is this Rachel?" said the woman. She had a faint French accent. "You didn't tell me how beautiful she was. How you described her, I thought she had just become a teenager. She isn't simply a teenager, she's becoming a beautiful young woman."

"Thank you," said Rachel, awkwardly. She looked to her father. Who was this woman and how did she know about her?

"Rachel, this is Laura De Mille. Laura, this is my daughter, Rachel," Trigon introduced the two females.

"It is so nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you. I feel that I know you very well."

"Nice to meet you," was all Rachel could say. She had no idea who this woman was. It kind of sounded like her father and this woman were seeing each other. Did this explain why he was in a good mood some of the time?

After the waiter brought two coffees, Trigon explained that Mr. Simmons had another meeting and Slade was called away. Rachel let out a small sigh of relief; she didn't want to see him.

Trigon asked her, "What's wrong? Why were you in the restroom for so long?"

Rachel told them the first thing that came to her mind. She hoped Kori would forgive her. "I got a text from my friend Kori. She was upset because she's having trouble with her boyfriend. I went to the restroom to call her. I know you don't like me to use my phone at the table."

"Your father tells me you have a boyfriend," said Laura, "Have you two been dating long?"

"No, it's just been a couple of months." Rachel wondered what else this Laura De Mille knew about her. Why did she have to know so much about her and this was the first time Rachel's heard of her?

"Oh, Tri, you're going to have to be careful with the boys around your daughter. She does look at lot like her mother. Wouldn't want Rachel ending up like her."

"You know my mom?"

"No, not at all, your father told me all about her."

"Why would you tell her about mom? And what does she mean, you wouldn't want me to end up like mom?" Rachel glared at her father.

"I'm sure I didn't mean to upset you."

"Rachel, enough," warned Trigon.

Rachel knew she was on thin ice. She needed to calm down and not make him angry. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what mom has to do with this."

"I told her about Angela. Laura needed to know about our past if she was going to be part of our future." Rachel was shocked. It sounded like he was going to marry her. "I told Laura about what happened to Angela. She wants to help you, us but now you're acting like a rotten …"

"Tri, don't be hard on her. It must be hard growing up without a mother. And I meant no harm when I mentioned your mother. I only meant, she got pregnant and married when she was young. I'm sure nobody at this table wants that for you."

"There's no way my daughter is getting pregnant. I'll go after the boy who does that to her," he warned.

Rachel suppressed the urge to sigh and roll her eyes. She knew that'd make things worse. "Dad, you don't have to worry about that. Nothing's happening between me and Jason. We just hang out together. We're not doing anything." That wasn't a complete lie. They didn't go all the way and it didn't seem like they would at this rate.

Laura distracted Trigon by asking how the business meeting went. Rachel was relieved that the subject of her sex life had been dropped. She did not want to talk about that with her father or this woman.

Outside the restaurant, Trigon and Laura walked with their arms around each other. They seemed happy. That should've made Rachel happy but she felt strange about her father's new relationship. Maybe it was because this was just sprung on her.

One good thing about this was she'd forgotten about Slade. Rachel walked closer to her father. She scanned the area but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Not that she expected Slade to be hiding in the shadows.

What Rachel didn't know, was Slade was standing in the shadows. He watched them walk Laura to her car. He watched as Trigon and Laura kissed. He watched Rachel look away. She seemed embarrassed. He was angry he didn't get a chance to kiss the girl. He was sure he'd get another chance, he just had to be patient.

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 **Thanks for reading this. What do you think? If you've read "Songs About Me", is this better or worse? Have you noticed any changes? If you haven't read that story, it's okay, you don't need to read it. Simply read this story and let me know what you think. Are my chapters too long? I've broken some chapters into multiple ones. Is that good or bad? I really want to know what you think. Please review or comment.**

 **Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my story.**


	17. Chapter 17: Crawling

**Chapter 17: Crawling**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Linkin Park or these lyrics.**

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 **"Crawling … / … is real" -Crawling, Linkin Park**

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 **Thanks for reading and to those who reviewed.**

* * *

A few days later, Laura moved in. It was strange having another person in the house, having someone other than Rachel's mother living with them. Rachel was irritated that her father didn't ask her if it was all right if Laura moved in. He simply informed his daughter about the change one day. Rachel wondered how else her life could change. She'd only heard of Laura De Mille a few nights ago and now her stuff was all around the house.

Laura seemed nice, most of the time. Rachel learned that Laura was once a stage actress in France. Her career ended when she was in a car accident. She hit her head and was in a comma for a few weeks. The only lasting effects of the accident were migraines and paranoia. Occasionally, Laura had an awful temper.

Rachel thought sometimes Laura seemed calculating, maybe manipulative. She didn't know why she felt that why. Laura hadn't done anything suspicious or out of the ordinary. Rachel figured it was probably because of the way Laura came into her life. Rachel wasn't looking for a mother-figure, she already had a mother. She hoped Laura wouldn't become her stepmother.

Rachel witnessed Laura's temper once when the teen picked up a box. Everything thing else was either unpacked and put away or put into storage. Rachel picked it up to see what was inside it. How else would she know where it belonged?

"Get your hands off that box."

Rachel looked up and saw Laura glaring at her. "I'm sorry, I was just going to see what was in it. I wasn't going to take anything."

"Likely story. You were probably going to put something in this box."

"Why would I do that?"

"You knew it was a box of my things. You want to get rid of me. You were going to put something in this box so Trigon would break up with me."

"No, I wasn't doing that. I wouldn't do that. I was just trying to see where this belonged but now that you're here, it's all yours." Rachel handed the box to Laura. "I won't bother your stuff anymore."

Laura picked up the box. "See that you don't. I've heard you can be like your mother."

Rachel watched the woman leave the room. What did she mean by that? What did her father tells her? Just what Rachel needed, someone else who had a temper and was sometimes paranoid.

* * *

One night, Rachel decided to try making dinner. Even though she'd had several lessons from Vic's grandmother, Gayle, her cooking ability hadn't improved much. She needed to practice and decided spaghetti shouldn't be that hard. Instead of popping a frozen dinner in the microwave, something she'd normally do; Rachel began boiling water for the pasta.

She was adding the sauce to the spaghetti when Trigon came home. Something must have happened at work because he was in a bad mood. Not wanting to add to his anger, Rachel slowly stirred as he grumbled about work. She set the table as he went up to change. When he came back down, his mood had slightly improved. Rachel hoped it wasn't a bad idea to make dinner. His mood improved greatly when Laura came home. As she added another place at the table, Rachel was a little annoyed that Laura's presence would have that much of an impact.

As they sat down to eat, Rachel remembered the garlic bread in the oven. She jumped up to get it. It's a little dark on the edges but she hoped it'd still taste okay.

Rachel watched intently as Trigon took the first bite. She didn't know why but she was most concerned about his opinion. She also didn't know why she was so eager for his attention and acceptance. "This is pretty good. Who made this?"

"I did. I just wanted to try something. You really think it's good?"

"Not bad for the first time." Rachel took a bite. She had to agree with her father. It wasn't perfect; some of the noodles were a little mushy. She grinned. He was right, not bad for her first time.

"Yes, Rachel," said Laura, "you did good for your first time. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you don't know how to cook."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Why did she have to sound so insulting?

"Rachel," warned Trigon.

"I'm sorry, why do you say that?"

"When I was a girl, it was important that a girl knew certain things. Those things helped ensure a woman got a husband." Laura sighed, "But I guess things have changed." Rachel looked at Laura, how annoying. Yes, things have changed. She didn't need to be the perfect homemaker to get herself a husband. Besides, she was years away from get married.

"How do you mean?" asked Trigon.

Laura finished her bite before she explained, "It seems like these days, girls well teens are just interested in having a good time, hooking up. They're not looking to settle down. A girl won't find a good husband if she's only interested in casual sex."

Rachel couldn't believe what she was hearing. Both Trigon and Laura looked her direction. "I am not having sex."

"You better not."

"I'm sorry, Rachel, I didn't mean to upset you or imply that you're … sleeping around. Other girls might be like that but I'm sure you're not." Thanks, thought Rachel. "I only meant that you didn't have a mother to show you, to teach you how to cook. It must have been hard growing up without a mother."

What was Rachel supposed to say to that? Thanks for thinking of her? Rachel DID have a mother. She was still around, sort of. Through grade school, things were wonderful with her mother. Rachel and Angela did everything together. That was until Rachel entered junior high, that's when things started falling apart.

Rachel said the only thing she could think of that wouldn't make her father angry. "Yeah, I miss her."

Laura gave Rachel a supportive smile. "I understand. My mother was in and out of my life when I was growing up. I guess that just makes daughters become strong-willed. You are headstrong like my daughter."

Daughter? Laura has a daughter? Rachel looked at her father. Did he know about that? He didn't look surprised. Daughter? When were they going to tell Rachel about her? Would this daughter some day just show up at the house? How old was this daughter? Didn't they think to tell Rachel anything?

"You have a daughter?"

"Yes, I miss my little Gemma."

"Um, where is she? Why isn't she here, with you?"

"Gemma is away …at school."

Just like that, the subject of Gemma, Laura's daughter, was dropped. They moved on to discussing business and questioning Rachel about school. Before Laura had moved in, Trigon didn't pay a lot of attention to Rachel. It wasn't that she ran wild, that wasn't her nature. But she could do almost anything as long as it didn't make him look bad or seem like a bad parent. Now, Laura has convinced Trigon that he needed to where Rachel was every second she wasn't in school.

Rachel found it all very annoying. Didn't her father trust her? She was the one who didn't always trust her father. Well, she didn't trust his temper or him when he was drinking. Why did Laura get so much say in what went on in a house she just moved into?

After dinner, Rachel decided to do the dishes, mainly to get away from them. They had a dishwasher and Rachel could've simply loaded that, but the teen decided to wash the dishes in the sink. Subconsciously, Rachel might have wanted to show Laura she knew how to do household work.

As she washed the dishes, she thought about Laura's daughter, Gemma. Who was his girl? How old was she? Laura didn't give too much information about her daughter, only that she was away at school. Did that mean she was in college? If not, then why was she at a boarding school? Laura called her daughter headstrong. The way Laura said it, it sounded like a bad thing. Laura said Rachel was headstrong, was that wrong? Rachel couldn't help wondering if Laura would somehow convince her father to send her away. Before this year, Rachel might have welcomed that. But now she had friends and a boyfriend. She didn't want to leave them.

She was almost done when a glass slipped out of her hand. Time seemed to distort. She watched the glass fall in slow motion. Rachel grabbed for the glass but couldn't catch it. How could something seem to move so slow and too fast at the same time? The glass shattered on the floor. Up close, the sound was earsplitting. Rachel's ears rang as she franticly picked up the pieces, occasionally cutting her hands.

Rachel had to hurry. She had to have it picked up before her father got to the kitchen. She had most of it picked up when he entered. She apologized while trying to not express any fear. She knew he feed off her fear. His shoe nudged a good size shard. He picked it up and told her to come to him.

She hesitated. Rachel didn't know what to do.

Sensing her anxiety he said, "You missed a piece. I just want to give it to you." Rachel apologized again as she approached her father. He said, "Put out your hand." She was uncertain but slowly held her right hand out to him, palm up.

Trigon's large hand enveloped his daughter's diminutive one. He tightened his grip of her hand and pushed up her sleeve. Curiosity and dread filled Rachel's eyes as her father pulled her arm to him. Trigon skimmed the shard over her forearm. It barely touched her. At first, she didn't feel anything. He didn't really cut her; he was just trying to scare her. She yelped in pain and stared as a line of red beaded up on her fair skin.

Confused, Rachel looked up at her father. Sneering down at her, he seemed to enjoy the fact that he was causing her pain. He started to draw the glass over her arm again but Rachel tried to pull away. "Ow! No! Stop!" She was terrified. She pulled with more strength than he thought she'd have. When he finally let go of her, Rachel cradled her bleeding forearm to her chest. She felt her heart beating like crazy. Calm down. She had to calm down. Being upset would only make it worse.

"Is everything alright?" Laura called from upstairs. She was coming down to see what had happened.

Trigon called out, "It's okay. Rachel dropped a glass and I was helping her pick it up." To his daughter, he whispered, "Next time you'll be more careful. Go clean yourself up. And DON'T get blood on anything. And remember, do not say anything." He threw the piece of glass away as he left the kitchen, leaving his daughter staring at him in bewilderment. Why would somebody do that, especially to THEIR child?

Rachel heard Laura asking again what happened. Trigon simply told her that she dropped a glass. He said that his daughter has always been a bit clumsy. Rachel stared in disbelief towards the source of their voices. He made it sound like it was her fault. How could she be blamed for him hurting her? Again, she wondered how somebody could hurt their own child like that?

Rachel was shaken from her thoughts as she felt blood trickle down her arm. She went to the powder room. She swayed some seeing her reflection. The front of her shirt was covered with blood, not drenched but it was more than she was comfortable with. She was afraid to look at her arm. She was afraid of the blood. She had always hated the sight of blood. Cautiously, Rachel lowered her arm. She shoved aside the wave of nausea as she looked at her bloody arm.

She needed to get control of herself. It wouldn't help any if she passed out. Her arm probably wasn't as bad as she thought it was. Stay calm. She just needed to stay calm.

She washed off her arm and found that it wasn't as bad as she thought. Some of the cuts were more like scrapes. Most weren't very deep, they only scratched the surface. A couple of the cuts were a little deeper.

Rachel was attending to her injuries, applying ointment and bandages, when Trigon entered the doorway. She froze, terrified by what he'd do next.

"How're you doing?"

"Okay." Her voice was small.

"Here, let me help you." He took her hand. Rachel had to resist impulse to pull her hand away. It reminded her of moments ago when he dug the glass into her flesh. She knew she couldn't let on that she was afraid. She chanted in her mind like a mantra, 'No fear, no fear, no fear …' Helping her apply the bandages, he felt her pulse still racing. He chuckled, "Remember when you were learning to ride a bike and fell; you freaked out about a skinned knee."

"Yeah …" Rachel remembered how he laughed at her. She remembered her father saying any idiot could ride a bike, what was her problem? What was HER problem? What was HIS problem? "… never really liked the sight of blood."

"Okay, you're all set now. Let's watch a movie maybe a comedy, something to distract you."

Entering the family room, Rachel noticed Laura wasn't there. "Where's Laura?"

Trigon took his seat on the sofa. "She had to go out for something. She'll be back soon." Grabbing a remote, he turned on the TV and began flipping through channels. He patted the space next to him. "Come on. Don't you want to watch a movie?"

Rachel glanced at the door. Where would she go if she left? Glancing back to her father she decided that he'd never let her leave. He'd never let their secret become known. He even kept their secret from the woman he claimed to care for. Rachel cautiously sat next to her father. She desperately wanted to run to her room but her fear of her father kept her there.

Occasionally, Rachel glanced at her father from the corner of her eye. He seemed so normal, he looked normal. His red hair was turning white at his temples but Rachel guessed that made him look handsome, distinguished. He didn't look like a guy who'd purposely hurt his daughter.

Why would he do that? Why would he hurt his daughter? Rachel didn't know. She wondered if she deserved it. Was it her fault? After all, she made him angry. But that didn't mean he had the right to hurt her, did it? Weren't most people, when angry, able to control it? Rachel didn't know what was going on. She didn't know why things were getting worse. Was it alcohol or drugs? Was her father going crazy like her mother did? Rachel couldn't help wondering if she was going crazy. Her father acted like nothing was wrong. What was she supposed to do? She could handle the insults and a few scratches and bruises. How could she hide everything when it was as getting worse? What would happen if she told someone about what happens? Could, should she tell Laura? No. Rachel knew she couldn't tell anyone about any of this. No one could ever know.

Trigon broke into her thoughts by laughing at the movie. "This is a pretty good movie, right?"

Confused. Rachel looked up at her dad then at the TV screen. "What? Oh, um, it's good." She forced herself to laugh even though she felt like crying.

Seeing that she was distracted, Trigon gave his daughter a slight hug. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm, I'm just …tired."

He smiled, "Too much studying last night?"

"Something like that. Would it be alright if I didn't finish the movie and went to bed early?"

"Sure, no problem. I can record the rest of it if you want me to."

"O-okay, if you want to. I'll watch it later." She remembered that there were still some dishes in the sink. "There are still some dishes to do; I'll do them before I go to bed."

Finding the right remote to record the movie, Trigon said, "Don't worry about it. I'll do it."

"Are you sure? It'll just take me a few minutes."

"Nah, go to bed. Get a good night sleep." He kissed her on top of her head. "Good night."

"Uh, 'night." Rachel went to bed with tears in her eyes. Minus the blood and pain, this was how she used to dream how things would be.

* * *

The school nurse tended to the quiet girl's injuries. Alice Rogers, Rachel's guidance counselor, was in the room with them. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

Rachel said flatly, "Nothing."

Mrs. Rogers wanted to sigh but didn't. She kept receiving similar one-word answers from Rachel. She was frustrated with Rachel's lack of expression and silence. She decided to try a different approach. In the principal's office, she asked, "Rachel, you're a bright girl. Why would a girl who's smart and pretty want to hurt herself like this?"

Rachel fought to keep her emotions in check. She didn't do this. Her father did but she couldn't say that. She was sure no one would believe her if she did say anything. She thought everyone thought she was a freak because of what he did to her. Angry tears stung her eyes. She hated knowing no one would believe her. Rachel quickly wiped away the tears but not before the others noticed.

Mrs. Rogers tenderly touched Rachel's shoulder but the teen pulled away. "Something is wrong or you wouldn't be on the verge of tears. What's wrong? Is it school? Did you have a fight with your friends?" Rachel quickly shook her head at both questions. "You have boyfriend, right? Is he pressuring you?"

"No. It's nothing. It was just an accident. I didn't mean …" It shouldn't have happened and nobody should've found out.

Mr. O'Donnell, the principal, had been observing. "You didn't mean what, Rachel? You didn't mean for it to happen or for people to discover what you've been doing to yourself?"

Insecure, Rachel pulled her sleeves further down over her hands. "This was an accident. I would never hurt myself like this." Even to her own ears, she didn't sound every convincing.

"Hmm, I think we'll have to monitor you."

Mr. O'Donnell's secretary knocked then poked hers head in the door. "Mr. O'Donnell, Mr. Roth is here." Rachel looked up in shock. What was he doing here?

"Send him in."

Starting to panic, Rachel partially stood up, leaning towards the adults. "You didn't need to call him. I'm okay. I promise I won't cause any more problems. I promise I'll be more careful. I won't let anything like this happen again. I promise, just don't get my dad involved."

"When we have a serious situation with one of our students; it's our responsibility to inform the parents."

Suspicious, Mrs. Rogers wondered aloud, "Why wouldn't you want us to call your father?"

"He's going to be so …disappointed." More like furious, the teen thought.

Seeing her father enter the room, Rachel slowly sunk down in her chair. The principal stood, "Mr. Roth, I'm Mark O'Donnell, the principal and this is Alice Rogers, Rachel's guidance counselor."

Trigon shook hands with the adults. He noticed Rachel sitting in a chair. She looked like she was trying to make herself smaller. He could tell she was trying hard not to show any emotions but could sense how terrified she was. He wondered if she told them about the other night

"Mr. Roth, you're probably wondering why we called you here."

Trigon took a seat, "I have to admit I am curious. Rachel's never been a problem. Is she in trouble?

Mrs. Rogers sais, "Rachel's not in trouble. Well, not in the way you're meaning. Rachel seems to be a troubled young lady. We've discovered evidence that she's been hurting herself."

Trigon glanced over at his daughter, causing her to shrink down slightly. What did they know? What did she tell them? "What do you mean she's hurting herself? Is it drugs?"

Mr. O'Donnell looked over at Rachel. She kept pulling her sleeves further over her hands while she stared at the floor. "No, it's not that. It appears your daughter has been cutting."

"Cutting, what does that mean?" Trigon asked even though he knew what they were talking about.

"It's very complicated," said Mrs. Rogers. "For some people, cutting or self-harm can be a way of coping with problems. I know that doesn't make sense to us but it can be a way to express feelings you can't put in to words, a way of distraction, or release emotional pain. They feel like it's a way to feel in control."

"So why cutting?" asked Trigon.

Mrs. Rogers got up and walked around the room. "Teens, like your daughter, sometimes feel the desperate need for relief from bad feelings. They just don't know any other way to express those feelings."

"So, Rachel's hurting herself because she's sad?"

When Mrs. Rogers put her hand on Rachel's shoulder, Rachel shrugged it off. "It's more than that. They often feel isolated, that they can't share what they're feeling. Sometimes, they have a mental health problem. Other times they have gone through a traumatic experience. They see cutting as a way to cope."

Mr. O'Donnell asked, "Has anything changed at home?"

"My girlfriend moved in with us. Rachel's mother, Angela, left us years ago. I wanted Rachel to have a female, a mother-figure around to help her. Did I make a mistake letting Laura move in?"

"You were looking out for Rachel. You wanted what was best for her. That can't be a mistake. Your girlfriend is good to Rachel?"

"Yes, but do you think Rachel's acting out because of that?"

"That may be, but it could be something else."

Rachel hated that they were discussing her as if she wasn't in the room. She also hated how easily her father lied to the school officials. He made it sound as if he was the perfect father. Rachel knew he was far from that.

"Is Rachel cutting as a way to get attention?" Trigon knew his daughter would have to pay for this stunt.

Mr. O'Donnell said, "No, she's been doing this in secret, she doesn't want to draw attention to herself."

"She just has a few cuts, right? If they aren't that bad then it's not really serious is it?"

Mrs. Rogers went back to standing next to Mr. O'Donnell. "It doesn't matter how serious the wounds are. The truth is your daughter's hurting; that's something to be concerned about."

"Does she need to see a doctor about this? Is she … is she suicidal?"

"First of all, let me say, I don't believe Rachel is suicidal." Rachel's counselor said, "She's just attempting to feel better. However, that's how it can be compulsive, the more a person does it the more they feel the need to do it. They may start to feel a false sense of relief. As far as seeing a doctor, it might be good for Rachel to talk to a professional. She needs to figure out what's triggering her to self-injure. She needs to learn other ways to deal with overpowering emotions. Mr. Roth, your daughter's not weak or crazy. She needs help discovering her inner strengths to help her heal. Then she can cope with life's problems in a healthy way."

"Don't judge her, Mr. Roth, that could make things worse. Support her and encourage communication. In Rachel's case, I've noticed she locks many things inside her. Try to get her to talk about herself."

Trigon looked at his daughter in disbelief. What did she tell them? He feigned concern, "Rach, is this true?"

Rachel remained silent. She wanted to sink through the floor, freeze time, anything to get away from these scrutinizing adults.

Mrs. Rogers said, "Rachel, it's okay. We're here to help you."

They had no idea what kind of help she needed.

Trigon asked, "Are you sure she's doing this to herself? Could it have been an accident?"

Mrs. Rogers said, "Rachel, sweetie, push up your sleeve."

Rachel hesitated but she slowly pushed up her sleeve. She gained nothing by defying them. Everyone saw her bandaged forearm. Only Trigon and Rachel knew what really happened. Once they were done analyzing her, Rachel quickly pulled down her sleeve. She hated seeing the bandages. To her, they were a symbol of her weakness.

Rachel sat there as the adults discussed her. She wasn't the person they were describing. Sure, her life was kind of a mess and maybe she exhibited some of the "symptoms". But she wasn't going to physically hurt herself.

She was brought out of her thoughts when Trigon said, "Thank you for informing me. I had no idea she was so upset." He squeezed his daughter's shoulder as if to comfort her but he squeezed too hard. Rachel refused to flinch. She knew it was a warning; she was in trouble. Trigon continued, "I'll make sure she sees someone about this. I'm sorry she caused an inconvenience."

Mr. O'Donnell said, "It wasn't an inconvenience. I want all of the students to able to learn. If Rachel's distracted by her problems she can't learn and grow. Every student should be able to do the best to their ability.

As they left, Trigon thanked the principal and counselor again. His daughter dreaded going home and he knew it. They walked through the school in silence. They continued in this manner all the way to the car. Rachel braced herself for the onslaught that she was sure to come, but nothing did. During the car ride home, there was a false sense of calm coming from Trigon. Rachel knew he must be angry. She wondered what he was planning.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Comments and reviews are welcome.**


	18. Chapter 18: Papercut

**Chapter 18: Papercut**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Linkin Park or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **"It's like … / … beneath my skin" Papercut, Linkin Park**

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 **Thanks again for reading and if you reviewed. It helps getting some feedback.**

* * *

Once they were home, the eerie silence continued. It wasn't until they entered the house did Trigon show some of his anger. He slammed the front door shut, causing Rachel to flinch slightly. He noticed his daughter's action.

Trigon growled, "Get out of my sight. I don't want to see or hear a thing from you." He roughly shoved her towards the staircase. Rachel stumbled up the stairs as she ran to her room.

In her room, Rachel locked her door. She tried to figure out what to do. Sitting on her bed with her knees pulled to her chest, she stared at the floor. She slammed the heel of her hand against the side of her head.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! How could she have been so stupid? She was stupid and careless. Did she want someone to find out? Rachel stopped berating herself to think about that. She thought she was being careful. Or was she careless on purpose? If someone discovered her secret, they would help her, wouldn't they? But that wasn't what happened. Yeah, they learned Rachel was in trouble but they got it all wrong. They thought she was hurting herself. Rachel knew she'd never do that, she'd never hurt herself. At least, if she did, she wouldn't do something so visible. She'd never let her father know how much he hurt her. She wouldn't give her father that satisfaction.

What could she do? Looking at her window a thought entered her mind. She could run. She could leave. But where would she go? Rachel was sure he'd come after her. She knew she couldn't put her friends in the middle of that. If she told anyone what has happened to her, would they believe her? According to her father, she was just a stupid girl. Rachel told herself to stop listening to her father's lies.

Rachel's thoughts turned towards what her punishment might be. If he got upset about a misplaced paper then she knew he wasn't going to let a major slip up like this slide. Hearing glasses and bottles clank downstairs, she knew he was getting drunk. She couldn't help but be filled with dread.

Hearing her father's voice grumble downstairs, she opened her door a crack. It was a one sided conversation. Curious, Rachel went out into the hall. He seemed to be on the phone. She leaned over the railing to listen. He was talking about business.

Rachel had a shimmer of hope. Maybe talking about business would tone down his anger some. That fragment of hope was blown apart when Trigon hung up the phone. He stomped up the stairs. Rachel retreated to her room, locking the door quickly. He stopped halfway up the stairs. He bellowed, "Rachel, get your ass down here! _NOW_!" When he didn't hear her coming down he yelled, "You _don't_ want me to come up and get you!"

As Rachel slowly went downstairs, she felt like she was walking into a lion's den. She just got off the steps when the barrage began. "What the fuck happened! What the hell did you tell them!"

"I didn't tell them anything. They just got this crazy idea."

"Honestly, do you think I'm a fuckin' idiot! They didn't just get that idea! What happened!"

"One of my cuts broke open. I was trying to stop the bleeding and re-bandage it when some girl saw me. I guess she told a teacher. I swear, I didn't say anything."

Furious, Trigon threw his glass of alcohol at Rachel. She ducked as the glass shattered on the wall. What was left of the liquor rained down on her.

"You fuckin' bitch! Can't you do anything right? Now they'll be watching you! This is all your fault! If you didn't keep screwing up, I wouldn't have to punish you. If they suspect I'm hurting you, do you know what they'll do? They'll take my business away. That can't happen. I can't have them watching you."

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean for anything like this to happen. I'm sorry!"

"You did this on purpose! You want them watching you! You want to get me in trouble! You want me to lose my business!"

"No, I don't! I didn't do anything! I'm sorry! I didn't mean ..."

He grabbed her by the arm, "You're fuckin' right to be sorry, you little bitch! You think I've been hard on you before? You're gonna hurt like hell when I'm done with you."

Trigon held onto his daughter with an unyielding grip as he unfastened and pulled his belt off. "You're gonna get what I used to get all the time."

Rachel tried to pull away but he whipped her with his belt. She curled up on herself; her back was to him. She tried to protect her head with her arms. She screamed for him to stop. Each strike made her cry out in pain.

"Trigon! Stop! What the hell are you doing!" It was Slade. Where did he come from?

Trigon growled, "She has to be punished."

Slade pushed Trigon away, "You've done enough!" Rachel never realized that the two were about the same size. Slade was a more even opponent to Trigon than she was. "You've done enough. She's suffered enough."

"Get her out of here," yelled Laura. Rachel didn't even realize the woman was there. Rachel didn't know or when those two showed up. She didn't know what was going on around her except that she was in pain.

Seeing his daughter in that state, Trigon stormed out of the room only to return a few minutes later.

Laura repeated, "Get her out of here! I'll take care of Trigon."

Slade offered Rachel a hand to help her up. She cautiously accepted it. Slade said, "Come with me, I think your father needs some time to calm down."

Rachel was suspicious. "What do you mean come with you?" She hadn't registered what Laura had said.

Slade said, "You two need some time apart. You can't stay here while you're both upset. You're coming to my place while things settle down."

Terrified, Rachel's eyes dart between the two men. She didn't know what to do. Stay with her father, who just beat her or go with the man who could hurt her. Slade seemed to read her mind, "I'm not going to harm you."

* * *

At Slade's apartment, the doorman opened the door. He eyed the tenant and the girl who was with him. The doorman could smell alcohol but neither one seemed drunk. He didn't have a good feeling about this and thought he should say something. "Good evening, Mr. Wilson. Might I have a word with you, sir?"

"Rachel, go in and wait by the elevator." After Rachel entered the building, Slade turned to the doorman. "Yes, Wintergreen, what did you want?"

"I know it's not any of my concern, but isn't that girl a little too young for you, sir?"

"You're right. It isn't any of your concern."

"Sir, is she even legal? That girl looks like she can't be more than sixteen." Slade ignored him and continued into the building.

Once inside Slade's apartment, Rachel's eyes darted around. She was nervous about being alone with him in his place. She jumped when he asked, "How badly did he hurt you?"

Shaking her head, she said, "I'm fine." Her actions betrayed her words when she winced as she put her hand to her back.

"Let me make sure you're all right."

Rachel muttered, "I said I was fine."

He chuckled softly, "Damn, you are stubborn." He went over to her and started to lift the back of her shirt.

She spun around and scowled at him, "What are you doing?"

"How else am I supposed evaluated your injuries? Are you going to let me help you?" Rachel continued to glare at him. "Fine, you'll find what you need in the medicine cabinet. The bathroom is the second door on the right. I'll be finishing some work if you need anything."

Slade left Rachel standing alone in his apartment. She looked at the door, tempted to leave. But where would she go? It wasn't as if she could go home right now. There's no way she could go to her friends; she couldn't let them know her secret. With a defeated sigh, Rachel slowly walked to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, with the door securely closed, Rachel searched the medicine cabinet for ointment and bandages. This was so similar to the events she experienced a few nights ago. Finding the items she needed, she set them at the sink and turned her back to the mirror. Carefully, she lifted the back of her shirt up. She winced at the sight of the welts on her back. Rachel tried several times to apply the ointment on her back. She wasn't having much luck; either her shirt didn't stay up or she missed the wound. Frustrated, she sat on the toilet seat. She debated with herself about what to do.

Slade heard her almost childlike voice calling for him. He smiled; he knew she would need his help. He found Rachel standing in the bathroom doorway. He asked, "Did you need something?"

Averting her eyes, she said quickly with a small voice, "I, um, I need your help."

"What was that?"

Annoyed, she clenched her fists. She repeated in a louder, irritated voice, "I need your help, okay. You were right. I can't do it by myself."

They entered the bathroom. Slade said, "Okay, I'll see what I can do. I need you to take off your shirt."

Her large eyes widened with horror. "W-what? Why?"

"That will be the easiest way for me to tend to your injuries." Seeing how she eyed him suspiciously, Slade sighed, "We're not going through this again, are we? I'm not going to hurt you."

"You tried to before."

"I'm not going to do anything while you're injured. If you want my help you'll have to do as I say."

Rachel considered her options, "Would you please turn around?"

Slade almost laughed at her request. "You don't have anything that I haven't seen before."

Rachel dropped her gaze to the floor as her face reddened. She turned her back to him and awkwardly pulled her shirt over her head. She clutched her shirt to her chest.

Slade was amazed at the amount of welts and cuts on the small teen's pale back and arms. Her long-sleeved t-shirt did little to protect her. He noticed the bruises forming on her arms. Slade knew about Trigon's temper. Seeing her bandaged arm, he wondered if this wasn't the first time he'd harmed his daughter. It wasn't any of his business so he didn't say anything.

He pulled washcloth out of a drawer and ran it under warm water. Every move he made, Rachel watched intently. He signaled for her to turn around which she slowly did. She flinched when the damp washcloth touched her skin. Before she could react, he deftly unhooked her bra.

Rachel spun around. "What are you doing!"

Wearing a smirk, Slade said, "Would you relax. I already said I'm not going to hurt you. Now turn around if you want me to tend to your injuries."

Clutching her shirt and bra tightly to her chest, Rachel turned around. Slade continued to clean off her abrasions. She grabbed the edge of the sink to stabilize herself. She bit her lip, refusing to cry out when he reached the part of her back that got the brunt of the attack.

She asked, "What were you doing there tonight?"

"What was I doing at your house?" She nodded. He began putting on the ointment. Rachel flinched at his touch. "Trigon was called out of an important meeting and he forgot some paper that he needed. I was just dropping them off when I heard your screams."

Rachel was now shivering. "Thank you. I can handle the rest on my own."

"Let me put some bandages on the worst ones."

She sighed. "Fine." Slade smirked at her stubbornness.

Her shirt smelled like alcohol. The smell was sickening to her but she tried to suppress it. Slade noticed that. He left the bathroom. When he returned, he handed her one of his t-shirts. "Here, change into this. I'll throw your clothes in the wash." Rachel reluctantly took it. She watched him as he left and wondered why he was helping her.

When Rachel entered the kitchen, where Slade was, she was painfully aware that she was wearing his shirt. It hung on her slender form like a dress, almost reaching her knees. She handed him her jeans and shirt. She was exhausted but didn't want him to know. Her knees suddenly started to buckle but she clutched the table to for support.

Slade stepped up behind her. He took hold of Rachel's upper arms to support her. "Let me help you."

She weakly said, "Let go. I'm fine. I don't need anymore of your help." After shrugging Slade off, Rachel stepped away from the table to prove she was all right. He kept following her, he didn't want her to collapse and hurt herself even more. Rachel was half way across the kitchen when she swayed slightly. He grasped her arms again. Rachel feebly repeated, "I'm fine."

"You're exhausted. Let me help you."

"No. I-I'm …" Rachel's voice weakened as her head dropped and she slumped back against him.

Rachel was vaguely conscious of Slade's actions. He wrapped one arm around her, supporting her torso. He bent down to slip his other arm behind her legs. He lifted her up, cradling her against his chest.

Her eyes fluttered open. Seeing that she was in his arms, Rachel began to fight. She pushed against his chest. "No! Put me down!"

"Calm down. Stop making a fool of yourself," he demanded. "I'm not going to put you down." The aggravation in his voice caused her to freeze. He sounded angry like her father.

Rachel looked at her petite hands touching his solid chest. Realizing how powerless she was, her hands fell limply to her lap. Clenching her fists, she squeezed her eyes shut. He was right. How could she have been so stupid? She went there with him. Nobody would believe her if something happened. It would be her word against his. What did she get herself into? Rachel wondered if it wouldn't have been better staying at home. Her father might have killed her but she wouldn't be going through this.

Slade felt the teen begin to tremble in his arms, he looked down at her. Seeing her worried expression, Slade said, "I'm not going to hurt you. If I was going to do anything, I've had plenty of opportunities. In fact, I could have taken you several times by now if I'd wanted to."

With heavy eyelids, Rachel glared up at Slade. "How comforting," she mumbled. Her eyes glazed over and she lost consciousness.

Slade carried Rachel to the guest room. He placed the unconscious teen on the bed. While watching her even breathing, several thoughts ran through his mind. Deciding to be honorable, he left the room.

 _Rachel walks home from school. When she gets home, it's almost dark out. She's annoyed to find the front porch light isn't on. Rachel has to search for her keys in her backpack in the dark._

 _"Hello, Rachel," says a male voice._

 _Rachel jumps. "Mr. Wilson, what are you doing here?"_

 _He steps out of the shadows. "Call me Slade. We've known each other long enough to forgo the formalities."_

 _Rachel feels uncomfortable about Slade being there. She repeats, "What are you doing here?"_

 _He walks over to her. "I'm here to see you."_

 _Rachel backs away from him. She lies, "My parents will be home soon." She glances around; she's at her old home, in Hamilton._

 _Slade chuckles, "Sweet Rachel, we both know your father is out of town for business. And your dear mother, well, she's so out of it she doesn't even know what's going on around her."_

 _He keeps walking over to her. When Rachel backs up against the house, she feels trapped. She feels like her pounding heart is going to pop out of her chest. "That's a lie! If she knew you were her she'd make you leave."_

 _Slade chuckles, he's amused by Rachel's brave exterior. He puts his hand on her shoulder. Rachel looks down at his hand. When he speaks, she looks up at him. "Having a boyfriend has been good for you. You've bloomed from an awkward little girl to an attractive young woman."_

 _Panic fills her eyes when he lifts her chin up towards his face. "I …"_

 _He puts a finger on her lips. "Shh, don't say anything." He takes a step closer to her. He traces her lips with his finger._

 _Paralyzed by fear, she just stares up at him._

 _He said, "You won't tell anyone about this, will you?" She slightly shakes her head no. "Good girl. We should go inside where it's more private."_

 _Rachel says no and tries to push past him. He grabs her by the shoulders and shoves her against the wall. She continues to try to push him away._

 _Slade says sinisterly, "Now Rachel, where are you're manners? Is this anyway to act toward your superior?"_

 _He leans down to kiss her; but she ducks, avoiding him. She slips away and runs for safety but Slade chases her. He quickly, catches her and pulls her into an alley. He shoves her against the brick wall; trapping her there. She feels the bricks grate against her back. "You're making this harder than it has to be."_

 _Angry, Rachel fights. She pushes him again, with little effect. She growls, "Go to hell."_

 _He grabs her slender wrists. "I'll take you there."_

 _He goes to kiss her again but she turns her head. He gets her hair instead. He laughs, "I like a challenge."_

 _He lets go of one wrist while holding firm to the other. He takes hold of Rachel's chin. Holding her still, his lips crash down on her. Rachel shakes her head, braking free from the kiss._

 _Searching for breath, she screams, "Help! Hel…"_

 _Slade clamps his hand over her mouth. He snarls, "Shut up, you little bitch!"_

 _Her eyes beg him to let her go. "Do you want me to let you go?" Rachel nods yes. He laughs menacingly, "Too bad I don't want to."_

 _Slade grabs her head and pulls her to him, his lips crashing down on hers. Her protests are muffled. She tries to push him off her. Her small fists pound against his broad muscular chest. He tightens his grip on her head._

 _Squeezing her eyes shut, she's terrified. Slade is nothing like she's experienced before. Jason's always been gentle, even when they're passionate. Even Eric, although insistent, wasn't this forceful. She writhes, trying to break free._

 _"Let her go!"_

 _Rachel gasps, it's her father. He's here to rescue her._

 _Trigon grabs his daughter's arm. "Get over here!"_

 _Rachel is pulled repeatedly between the two men. She screams for them to stop. They suddenly stop causing Rachel to fall backwards._

 _They are now in the parking lot by the restaurant. She looks up in horror as he father transforms into a lion. He's a red lion with a reddish black main. He roars as he finishes transforming._

 _Slade's now turning into lion. He looks much like her father as a lion only he's black and orange_.

 _Their roars are thunderous as they turn to fight one another. Rachel watches in horror as they lash out with claws and teeth. They are so fast; she has trouble keeping them straight. She gasps when one snarls as the other one's claw rips into flesh._

 _They turn to her, noticing her for the first time. Rachel backs away slowly, thinking of a way out. The two lions have stopped fighting to follow her. Rachel tries every car door, but they're all locked._

 _Her eyes grow large with terror as the lions morph into one. He's a solid black lion that's larger than the others were. One eye is red the other is orange. Seeing the blood lust in it's eyes Rachel turns to run._

 _She runs as fast as she can, darting between cars. She refuses to turn around. She can hear the lion chasing her. She hears it crash onto cars as it leaps from one to another._

 _Rachel sees a building up ahead. There are people in the doorway calling her, urging her to run faster._

 _She's almost there when a paw catches her leg forcing her to tumble to the ground. She holds up her arm to shield herself. The black lion stands over her. Blood drips from it's mouth._

 _Trembling in fear, Rachel tries to slowly back away. The lion steps on her arm. She cries out in pain. The weight of the lion is unbearable. It looks at her and licks it's lips._

 _It opens its mouth to roar. Rachel sees the mouthful of razor sharp teeth, dripping with blood. As it slowly advances towards her, Rachel screams._

Rachel leapt up in bed. It was as if she'd just run a marathon; she could barely catch her breath. She was severely trembling as she looked around the room. She was in Slade's place. That was just a dream? Oh God, everything about it felt so real. Why did it feel so real? Rachel wiped the sweat from her forehead. How did she get in this room?

Rachel didn't remember coming to this room. She vaguely remembered losing consciousness and being in Slade's arms. She was unconscious, alone with Slade, in a bedroom! Mentally, she checked herself. Nothing felt different. Her back and arms hurt but she expected that. Slade kept his word; she didn't feel violated. She let out a sigh of relief.

Lying down again, she buried herself under the down comforter. She told herself she had to stay awake, to stay alert. Curled on her side, staring at the closed door, Rachel felt the tears sting her eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep them from falling. One tear seeped out and slide down her nose. It was soon followed be another. She couldn't stop the tears, they were falling too fast. Curling up into a tighter ball, Rachel gave into her emotions and cried.

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Gradually, Rachel woke up to the smell of coffee. She remembered what happened yesterday and last night. She let out a shuttering sigh. How could she stop her father? She knew she couldn't count on Slade coming to her rescue again. She was afraid of what he'd expect in return for his help.

Rachel's stomach growled, reminding her she didn't have much to eat yesterday. Because her back hurt, she slowly got out of bed. She stopped to stare at her bare legs draped over the side of the bed. She couldn't go out there like that, in just a t-shirt. She couldn't stay in that room forever. Searching the room, Rachel found an extra blanket. Wrapping it around her shoulders, she exited the guest room.

In the kitchen, Slade was sitting at the table reading the newspaper. "Well, look who decided to get up."

"Sorry."

"Did you want some coffee?" Slade asked, while reading the paper.

"Do you have any tea?"

"Sorry, just coffee."

"Um, do you have anything to eat?"

"Again, no. I usually eat out."

Rachel's stomach growled softly. "Guess I'll have coffee." She'd never had coffee before. She thought smelled all right, but had never wanted to drink it.

Slade set a mug in front of her. Rachel stared into the steaming mug of dark brown liquid. The steam delivered the strong scent of coffee to her nose. She took a tentative sip, burning the tip of her tongue. Rachel wrinkled her nose at the pungent flavor. After letting it cool down a bit, Rachel took several sips. She winced slightly; it was still a little too hot. She hated the taste but felt as if she should drink most of it.

Rachel glanced at Slade. He was still reading the paper. She looked around the kitchen. How did she get there? She knew how but why were things …going out of control? Staring into the ebony liquid, she found no answers. The coffee had cooled down significantly. She gulped down as much as she could, which was about half of it. It tasted horrible to her. It was harsh, bitter and caustic. Rachel grimaced, it was nothing like her soothing tea.

A low chuckle sounded from behind the newspaper. "Didn't like my coffee? Was it too strong for you? I like my coffee strong and robust. It never occurred to me you not be able to handle it."

"I've never had coffee before. I usually drink herbal tea."

"I hope I didn't turn you off coffee. It's very satisfying. The caffeine running through your body. It's quite invigorating. Try it again sometime, maybe not so strong. Maybe you'd like it sweet. Some people like it sweet, but I prefer mine full-bodied."

Rachel didn't like the way this conversation was going. It didn't sound like coffee was the subject anymore. Rachel pulled the blanket tighter around herself.

He looked over at her amused, "I didn't think you were so modest."

"I'm cold."

"Your clothes are ready. I'll get them." Slade got up, leaving Rachel alone again. Remembering her nightmare, she made sure the blanket was tightly wrapped around her.

Slade returned with her clothes. She said, "Thanks. I know you're probably busy, I'll hurry up and get out of here." She went back to the guest room to change.

Changing into her clothes was very painful. Rachel's thoughts turned to last night. Her father must really hate her. He didn't seem to want her. Maybe he never wanted her? If everything she did was wrong, Rachel didn't know what she could do to make things better. All she could think of was to stay away from her father for awhile.

Rachel returned to the kitchen, fully dressed. "Um, thanks for a place to crash. I'm sure you're busy; I'll go now."

"Don't you have school?"

She shrugged, "Yeah, I'll just walk."

Slade folded the paper. "Nonsense, I'll drive you."

"No, that's okay. I don't mind walking."

"Damn, are you always this stubborn?" He grabbed his keys. "At least let me drop you off closer to school."

Rachel glared at him. She could tell he wasn't going to let it drop. He called _her_ stubborn? "Okay, fine, if it'll make you happy?"

Walking to Slade's car, Rachel noticed the doorman shaking his head in a disapproving way. Did he assume that she slept with Slade? She felt disgusted. That would never happen.

In the car, they rode in silence most of the time. At stoplight Slade said, "About last night …"

Rachel knew that was coming. "It was nothing. Things just got out of control."

"So your father's never done anything like this before?"

Had her father ever whipped her? No. "No. Like he said, I needed to be punished and things got out of control."

Slade wondered what she could've done to deserve that but he said nothing about it. "The bandages on your arm, he didn't do that to you?"

Of course, he did but who was going to believe her? "No, I did that to myself."

Slade pulled over to the curb. They were around the corner from the high school. "Why would you do something like that?"

"I'm just a stupid teenager."

"Rachel …"

She unbuckled her seatbelt. "Look, thanks for helping me last night. And thanks for giving me a place to stay. You did your good deed by helping me. There's nothing you have to be concerned about. Don't you have more important things to worry about than a teenage girl's stupid problems? I don't need you or anyone else butting trying to fix me." She got out of the car. "You were in the right place at the right time. I don't owe you anything."

Slamming the door, Rachel walked towards school. She was angry. Angry at her father for hurting her. Angry at Slade for trying to hurt her the other night. Angry at her mother for abandoning her. Angry at Laura for butting into her life. Angry at her friends for not seeing what was right in front of their eyes. Angry with her teachers for seeing it but getting it all wrong. Most of all she angry with herself for letting all of this happen.

Turning the corner, the high school came into view, she stopped. Great! Just what Rachel needed, another day of hell.

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 **Thanks for reading and please review.**


	19. Chapter 19: Made of Scars

**Chapter 19: Made of Scars**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Stone Sour or these lyrics.**

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 **"This one … / … scared to death / … not dead"-Made of Scars, Stone Sour**

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 **Thanks for reading and reviewing.**

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Almost two weeks have passed since Rachel's run in with her dad and Slade saved her. Physically, she was healed but emotionally, that would take longer. She handled her father by avoiding him as much as possible. Which wasn't easy with Laura trying to make them a happy family. When she did have to be around him, they didn't talk about what happened. It was almost as if nothing happened. She hated when he ignored their fights. She didn't want to discuss it to death but she wouldn't mind an apology. Rachel decided she'd have to settle for no arguments or fights for a while; maybe that was his way of apologizing.

Some of her teachers and especially her guidance counselor annoyed Rachel. They were extra or overly concerned about her. They kept asking questions, trying to get her to open up to them. Rachel kept her answers short. She just told them what they wanted to hear. She hoped they'd stop questioning her; find someone else to bother. When her grades started improving, they backed off her some.

She was a little distant with her friends but not enough that she thought any of them noticed. She was also a little jumpy around them. Kori noticed that and asked about it. "Rachel, why are you like a rabbit around us?"

Everyone was confused by what Kori said. Rachel asked "What do you mean?"

"Well, you seem extra jumpy when someone comes up behind you. You make sure to stand or sit with your back to the wall. Why is that?"

Gar said, "Yeah, when Wally tapped you on your back about a week ago, you nearly jumped out of your skin. What gives?"

Rachel remembered that happening. She'd just been belted by her father and her back was sore. When Wally came up behind her, he scared her. And it wasn't just a tap, it felt more like a slap and hurt like crazy. It was like slapping someone on the back when they have a sunburn. You just didn't do that. But they didn't known. They couldn't know. "I, uh, I just don't like people sneaking up on me."

"I don't think he snuck up in you," Gar said, thinking back. "I think he was just coming over to say hi."

Rachel glared at him a moment before speaking. "Fine, whatever. I have to go to class."

They watched Rachel hurry down the hall. Gar said, "Dude, what's her problem?"

"Rachel is very …complicated."

"I get that. But why does she always seem angry? I thought she was our friend."

After school, Kori found Rachel alone in the library. She asked her friend "Rachel, is anything wrong?"

Rachel glared up at her friend. She said flatly, "No, why?"

"Well, it is just that, um …"

"Kori, what is it?"

"Oh, you just seem a little more stressed than usual. Is there anything wrong?"

The dark-eyed girl contemplated telling her friend for a fraction of a second. "It's nothing. I'm just tired of my dad's girlfriend trying to be my friend." That wasn't far from the truth. Laura kept wanting to hang out with Rachel. She tried to go back to her book but Kori was still standing there. "Was there something else you wanted?"

"Okay, well," Kori tapped her fingers together. She looked hopeful and unsure. "You do not by any chance have any plans tonight, do you?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, Jason's busy so I was just going to stay home and read some, why?"

"Oh good, I too do not have plans. Richard has a family thing to do. Would you like to come over to my house tonight?"

"I don't know, Kori."

"Why is that? We could have much fun. We could partake in girl talk and the braiding of each other's hair." Seeing that her friend didn't look happy Kori tried another suggestion. "Um, makeovers?" Rachel still looked skeptical. "You could paint a design on my wall like you promised?"

With a sigh Rachel relented, "Okay, as long as it's alright with your uncle and my dad, I guess I'll come over. But I don't want you braiding my hair." Kori wore a wide grin while they went to their respective lockers to gather their books.

All the way to Rachel's house, Kori chattered about what they could do. Rachel reminded her not to get her hopes up. "I still have to ask my dad. He might not let me go to your house." Rachel hoped it wouldn't be like the last time Kori was at her house.

Rachel was in luck, the house was empty. She checked the messages, nothing for her, of course. She called her father's office. His secretary, Liz, said, "He's in a meeting right now. While I have you on the line, he wanted me to call you and tell you he'll be out of town this weekend. He'll be leaving tonight."

"Another business meeting?"

"Yes, as you know your father's quite busy. Did you need anything?"

"Uh …no, just let him know I'll be over at my friend, Kori Anders' house and that it's okay with her uncle. If he needs me he can call my cell."

"All right, I'll give him the message."

Rachel hung up the phone. Her father's going out of town again? He's been doing that a lot lately. He was busy but Rachel wondered if he was avoiding her?

"Is everything alright, Rachel?"

Rachel was pulled out of her thoughts, "No, um I mean yeah, things are okay. My dad has another business meeting. He's had a lot of those lately."

"Then I guess that means you can come over." Kori smiled broadly and Rachel returned a much weaker form to her friend.

They stopped off at a store to pick up some more colors. Kori liked the silver Rachel used on her walls but she also wanted other pastels. When they got to Kori's house, Rachel had her ask Galen if it was all right for her to paint on the walls. Kori pulls out her phone and showed him a picture of Rachel's walls. He liked what Rachel did so he agreed. Going up to Kori's room, Rachel asked, "When'd you take that picture?"

Kori hurried ahead to her room. "I took it when you were gathering your paints and brushes. Do not be upset. I thought you would want me to ask my uncle and I wanted to show him what you could do. I will delete it after you paint my walls. That way if I want something like you have I on your wall I can show you. You are not mad at me are you?"

Sighing Rachel told her she wasn't mad. "Just remember to delete it. I don't really like pictures of my room being out there."

"Could I take pictures of my room and show people?

They entered Kori's room. "Sure, it's your room." Rachel blinked and had to take a step back. There was no mistaking this was Kori's room. "Wow, that's a lot of pink."

Kori grinned, "Yes, it is my favorite color. Since as a redhead I cannot always wear it attractively, I have painted my room pink."

In her dark colors, Rachel stood out in the pink room. It was the color of strawberry milk. Pink and purple were on the bed and windows. Stuffed animals filled the room. Rachel repeated, "That's a lot of pink."

"It is called, um, 'thank you berry much', is that not super cute?"

"Very. Where did you want me to paint?"

Kori thought a moment. "Ooo, could you paint something around the windows?"

"How about stars?"

Kori jumped up and down while clapping. "Yes! Stars would be perfect."

They chatted about all sorts of things while Rachel painted. The main topic was boys, Richard and Jason to be specific. Rachel was glad that Kori and Richard were happy going out together. When it was dark enough to turn on the lights, Kori suggested Rachel stay for super. Hungry, Rachel agreed. "Marvelous," said Kori, "we can make pizzas."

When Kori was pulling ingredients out of the fridge, she noticed a bowl of leftover mashed potatoes. Kori called out, "Uncle Galen, could we use the mashed potatoes?"

He peeked the kitchen. "Sure, use whatever you want.

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "We're not going to use that for our pizzas, right?"

Kori laughed, "No, of course not, that would be silly. Would you hand me the mustard?" Rachel picked up a huge jar of mustard with both hands and handed it to her. Who knew it came in a gallon-size jar.

The girls assembled their pizzas. Rachel's was normal. It had pizza sauce, sausage, peppers, onions and cheese. Once more Rachel raised an eyebrow as she watched Kori spread mustard instead of pizza sauce on her crust. Kori continued with hamburger, cheddar and mozzarella cheeses. As she finished it with slices of pickles Rachel asked, "Uh, Kori, what kind of pizza is that?"

"It's a cheeseburger pizza. Do you want a slice?"

"No, but thank you. I've never heard of putting mustard or pickles on a pizza."

Kori giggled, "I guess I got the pickle thing from my dad. The mustard thing that is all mine. I just love mustard. I put it on just about everything. I think if I could, I would put it on ice cream."

Rachel wore a disgusted look on her face. That made Kori laugh harder. "I've never really noticed that but now that I think about it, you always seem to have a bottle of mustard near by."

After putting their pizzas in the oven, Kori asked, "While they are cooking, would you like to make some candy?"

"Okay, how?"

"We already have one ingredient out." Kori pointed to the bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Seriously? We're going to make candy from mashed potatoes?"

Giggling, Kori said, "Yes, we just have to mix in a lot of powdered sugar until it becomes like dough. I like to put in peppermint flavoring. Roll it into little balls and dip them into melted chocolate. Ooo, they are so yummy."

"Potatoes, sugar and chocolate? Seriously? Where do you get some of these ideas?"

"I used to make these candies with my mom and granny. Trust me they taste very good. I would not lie to you, would I?"

After dinner, they went back to Kori's room. Rachel finished the stars on the walls. She painted all sizes and shapes of stars around Kori's windows and her mirror. She either mixed a pearlized white to the pastels or enhanced them with silver. Either way, the stars shimmered on the walls. Kori danced around her room, clapping.

Rachel said dryly, "So, I guess you like it."

"Like it? I love it." Kori pulled her friend into a hug.

Rachel just stood there, not returning the hug. "Kori, let me go."

Kori let go of Rachel. "I am sorry, I got too excited. Oh, I must go get uncle so he can see your artwork." Kori ran out of the room giggling.

Rachel shook her head; Kori was so enthusiastic about everything. Rachel couldn't help but wonder if she'd be more like Kori if things had turned out differently.

Thursday morning, Rachel and Terra bumped into each other before school. Terra muttered under her breath, "Bitch."

Rachel stopped her. "What did you just say?"

Terra glared at Rachel before speaking. "Nothing, just watch where you're going. You're not the only person in the world you know." Terra turned to leave and muttered bitch once more.

Again, Rachel stopped her. "What is your problem? You've acted like you don't like me since we met."

"Who's acting? Well, I only act when the others are around. I tolerate you because they seem to like you. God knows why?"

Rachel was confused. What brought this on? "Okay, so you don't like me. I'm not exactly your biggest fan. Why don't we just avoid each other as much as possible?"

Terra smirked, "Oh yeah, I'm sure you'd like that. Pushing me aside so you could be with them."

"I didn't say …"

"Of course you did. You want to push me aside because you think you're better than I am. You have a rich daddy and he can give you anything you want."

"My dad has nothing to do with this. He probably doesn't even like my friends but I don't care."

Terra scoffed, "Yeah, right, you're all about your daddy's approval. At least that's what Kitten said."

Hearing her former friend's name, Rachel's eyes narrowed. "Don't believe anything she says about me. She has her own reasons for spreading rumors about me."

"Really are they rumors? Cuz I heard our friends only have you around because the pity you."

"That's not true and you know it."

"You're pitiful, you that. I think they can sense how pathetic you are. They can sense you need to be accepted. Why is that? Is it because your daddy doesn't love you? Does he hurts poor little pathetic Rachel's feelings?"

Rachel yelled, "Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about."

Terra took a step back and faked surprise. "Ooo, would you look at that. Poor little Rachel's showing some emotion. I better watch out or she'll explode or something."

"Shut up! You don't know anything about me."

The blonde leaned forward, her blue eye filled with hatred. "Really? According to Kitten, you're mom's a real basket case. You'll probably end up just like her."

"Liar!" Rachel went for Terra, ready to fight. They shoved each other.

"Hey!" Vic called out. "Stop fighting!" The two girls stopped. Karen, Richard and Kori were with him. Vic stood between them and asked, "What's going on? Why are you two fighting?"

Terra looked up at him with large blue eyes. She looked like an innocent angel. "I don't know what's going on. I don't think Rachel likes me but I don't know why."

Rachel glared at Terra. She couldn't believe Terra was putting on this act and her friends might believe her. "She's lying. She started this."

Rachel stared in amazement as Terra's eyes filled with tears. "See, she doesn't like me. I don't know why? I've never done anything to her. I've always tried to be nice to her."

"Liar," growled Rachel.

Vic put his hand up between the two girls. "Okay, I think we need a time out. Everyone just needs a little space." He forced each of them to take a few steps back. Kori and Richard were by Terra while Karen and Vic stood near Rachel.

Kori tried to calm down Terra. Terra told her friends she'd be okay. Terra pulled out her phone and sent a text to somebody.

Karen and Vic were trying to find out from Rachel what was really going on. Rachel told them it was nothing. She was about to tell them she was sorry when her phone beeped, she had an incoming message. Checking her phone, she saw it was from Terra. Curious, she glanced at Terra before reading the message.

"Even Jason pities u. He's 1ly w/ u coz he thinks he shd B. U cnt giv him w I cn. W w%d u sA f I tld u I'd bn w/ yr bf. Hw pathetic."

Rachel read it once more. She couldn't believe what it said. Could Terra really have slept with Jason? She glanced at the blonde who smirked at Rachel.

Shaking, Rachel's blood was boiling. Could she be right? Rachel leapt towards Terra. "You bitch! You lying bitch!" Vic grabbed Rachel around her waist sending her dark hair flying forward. Rachel struggled to get out of his arms. "Let me go!"

"Not if you don't calm down. Can you do that?"

"Let me at that bitch!" Not getting the answer he wanted, Vic spun Rachel around and threw her over his shoulder. "Put me down! Now!"

Vic held tight to Rachel as she struggled. "Not doing, not till you calm down. I think you need some fresh air." He carried the writhing girl out the closest door.

"Okay, we're outside. Now put me down!"

"Not happening. You need to settle down. The more you struggle, the longer I hold you like this. The longer you keep making a scene."

Rachel looked around and saw everyone looking their direction. Admitting defeat, she let out a sigh and went limp.

"You gonna try and be calm?" He received a soft yes from the girl over his shoulder. Slowly and carefully, he set Rachel back onto her feet. "You okay, Rae? What's going on?"

Before she could say anything, Karen, Kori, Richard and now Gar showed up. Karen said, "Girl, what's your malfunction?"

"We are all friends and friends should not fight."

"Yeah," said Gar, "You'd you try to attack Terra like that?"

Rachel looked at them trying to decide what to say. They all looked like they want answers. Rachel wondered if they really wanted to know what happened or had they already made up their minds? Rachel didn't like or trust Terra but their friends did. Have they already sided with Terra?

Richard interrupted her thoughts, "Rachel?"

, 'Do they really want to know what happened or have they already made up their minds? I don't like or trust her but they do. Have they already sided with Terra?" Richard interrupts her thoughts, "Rachel?"

"It was nothing. Sorry." Rachel misread them. She thought they were angry when they were concerned. She repeated that she was sorry before leaving for her first class. As she walked down the hall, some students whispered about her. Rachel hated feeling everyone's eyes on her. She spent the rest of her day avoiding eye contact with anyone.

The last bell rang and the students poured out of the school. By now, everyone had forgotten about the fight between Rachel and Terra. Rachel rushed to her locker. She just wanted to get away from people; she was tired of everyone.

Rachel pulled out her phone. She looked through the contacts. She stared at one number. Rachel desperately wanted to call her mother. She wanted to talk about Jason. There was no one else she could talk to, not about what Terra hinted at Jason doing. Someone called out her name, causing her to jump.

It was Vic, Rachel put away her phone. "Hey, Rae. A bunch of us is going to get some ice cream. Wanna come?"

"No, I should probably go home."

He sighed, "C'mon, Rae, Terra's not gonna be there. She can't come so you don't have to worry about getting in another fight. Look, sorry about this morning. We heard what Terra said about your mom. That's just not cool."

Rachel shrugged, "Whatever, it doesn't matter."

Vic looked at his friend. She looked like she was worried. "Rae is there something wrong? It's more than just this morning. What's wrong?"

Rachel glanced up at Vic. He was like a brother to her. A part of her wanted to tell him that her father hits her. Maybe Vic could help. Maybe he could make the abuse stop. At the same time, she was ashamed. She didn't want anyone to know about it. For a moment, their eyes were locked, each searching for answers. Rachel looked away and said, "Um, I, I don't have any money."

Vic said, "That's okay. I have enough for both of us." Rachel still looked unsure. "How about I give you some money now so no one will know. Come on Rae, we just wanna have some fun."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "I guess it wouldn't hurt."

Vic smiled and he put his arm around her shoulder as they went to meet the others. Rachel called home and left a message that she'd be home later.

At the ice cream shop, everyone searched for his or her flavor. Rachel spotted one and smiled. "Ooh, they have dark chocolate blueberry."

Gar nudged her, "So that's your favorite?"

Her smile faded. She told the clerk, "I think I'll have a small cone of vanilla, please."

After getting his wild-berry-crunch soy-milkshake, Gar sat next to Rachel. He asked her, "So, if dark chocolate blueberry is your favorite then why'd you get vanilla?"

"I always get vanilla. Who said that other one was my favorite flavor?"

"You did. You're eyes lit up. You were kind of excited."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "It's just stupid ice cream. Nothing to get excited about."

Frustrated, Gar sighed. "Why do you always do that?" She looked at him confused. "Anytime somebody points out that you're having any fun; you get, I don't know, pissy. Why do you have to be so moody? Can't you just lighten up a little?"

Frowning, she muttered, "Maybe it was a bad idea, me coming here? I'll just ruin everyone's fun."

"Rachel …"

"Well, that's what I seem to do. That's basically what Terra said." She started to get up but Gar blocked her way.

"Rachel, don't go. Don't worry about Terra. We're your friends. We want to hang out with you. I wanna hang out with you. We just wanna have fun but you always seem moody. We're here having ice cream. How can you be mad about ice cream? I'm not saying you need to change, just like I said, lighten up some."

While Gar was speaking, Rachel stared at her ice cream. She had a memory of when she was a little girl. It was a happy memory - she was in the park with her parents eating ice cream; everyone was happy, everything was perfect. Rachel wished she could be like the little girl she used to be. "Sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry. I just don't like my friends being down, specially on themselves. Will you stay?"

Rachel thought it over a moment. She nodded just as Gar took a bite of his soy-milkshake. Pleased, he smiled a berry-colored grin. "Boys." Rachel rolled her eyes and shook her head, but had a slight smile on her lips.

* * *

Laughing, Rachel was surprised she was actually enjoying herself as she listened to the stories the others told. She was glad she decided to stay. Rachel just listened and laughed softly. Things seemed normal and she lost track of time. She suddenly realized it was getting late. She was supposed to be home hours ago.

She quickly jumped up, "Sorry guys, I have to go. I needed to be home a long time ago."

Gar offered, "Do you want one of us to go with to make sure you get home safe?"

Rachel shook her head, "Thanks, but I need to go now. I'll be fine; it's not too far. See you guys later."

Rachel hurried home. The last few blocks she ran. By the time she got home, it was dark out. The house was dark. There was no sign of her father. Where was he?

Rachel set her backpack by the door. She turned on the lights. She jumped seeing her father sitting in the dark in the family room. Catching her breath she said, "You startled me. Why were you sitting in the dark?"

He simply said, "You're late."

"I'm sorry. I called and left a message that I was going to be with my friends."

"That's not good enough. You were to come home right after school today. I had set up a meeting for us to meet with your guidance counselor."

She repeated, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Trigon stood and took a step towards her. Worried, Rachel backed up. "Are you calling me a liar?" He knew there was no such meeting.

Rachel shook her head. "No, no I'd never do that." She could tell he was getting agitated. She searched for a way out. She didn't remember him mentioning any meeting but she couldn't say that. This mistake couldn't believe his fault, so it had to be hers. "I just didn't remember. I guess I forgot." She glanced to the door. Realizing she might run, he took a few steps and blocked the door. "I promise I won't let it happen again. I'm sorry."

He quickly closed the space between them. "You're right to be sorry." He struck her face. "NEVER call me a liar."

After brushing her hair off her face, her hand went up to her tingling cheek. Rachel stared at her father in disbelief. He'd hit her face only once and it wasn't that hard. She'd always assumed he didn't hit her face because the bruises would be too hard to hide. Rachel felt her skin swelling.

She backed away from him. Knowing she had to protect herself, she tried to think of anything that might help. Without taking her eyes off her father, Rachel's hand frantically searched the countertop behind her.

"What were you doing all this time?"

Her hand encountered something heavy.

Trigon continued to slowly advance. He was amused by his daughter's fear.

"We just talked."

"What did you tell them?

Rachel tried to keep the fear out of her voice. "N-nothing. I-I don't tell anyone anything. They talk, I just listen." She tried to ignore the throbbing of her cheek. As he got closer, she wrapped her hand around the handle of a skillet. She didn't want to hurt him; just scare him off.

Trigon snarled, "Liar. You probably told them what I do to you when you're disobedient. I don't like to do it," he sneered, "but you give me no choice."

He went to hit her again but Rachel swung the skillet. It hit him on the shoulder. They stared at one another in disbelieve. Neither one could believe she just did that.

"Bitch," he growled, "You'll pay for that."

Rachel tried to use the skillet as a shield but Trigon wrenched it from her hands. Terrified that he'd hit her with it, she cowered down. Instead, he threw the skillet across the room. The crash echoed in her ears.

Rachel backed up. She searched the kitchen for anything she could defend herself with. She was tired of the abuse. She wanted it to stop. Seeing the knife block, Rachel surprised herself. A knife? Really? She didn't want to hurt him. She just needed a chance to get out of there. She guessed she could toss the knife once she got away. Where would she go? Oh God! He was coming! Could Rachel do this?

In a split second decision, Rachel grabbed a knife. The tang of the blade leaving the wooden block resonated throughout the kitchen. Holding it in front of her, Rachel warned, "Stay back."

Trigon stopped in his tracks. "What the hell are you doing? Put that down."

Rachel warned again, "Stay back. Leave me alone." She slowly backed out of the kitchen with Trigon following her.

"You're crazy just like your damn mother."

Keeping her eyes on her father, she made her way passed the stairs, towards the door. She was almost there, just a few feet to go. The shrill ring of the phone broke the silence, distracting both of them for a second.

Rachel's concentration wavered some when Vic's voice came on the machine, "Hey, Rae, just checkin' …"

Trigon took that opportunity and grabbed her wrist, knocking the knife out of her hand. It clattered to the floor like the skillet. "You are no match for me little girl."

Struggling to free her wrist, Rachel searched for a way out.

"You know, it's wrong for a daughter to lie to her father." Trigon's voice was calm. He didn't sound angry at all. He spoke as if they were discussing what to get for groceries. Rachel was almost more terrified by his tone than by what he was saying. "I know you went to see that bitch. What did she tell you? What did that bitch, Angela say about me?"

How did he know? "I, I don't know …"

"Liar!"

Rachel's eyes grew wide with fear. She knew she had to get away from him. She slammed her body against his, throwing him off balance for a second. It was long enough for her to break free.

He blocked the door so she ran for the stairs. He ran after her. Having a longer stride, Trigon got to his daughter before she got to the stairs.

He grabbed her arm and shoved her into the wall.

"Stupid bitch! You'll pay for all your stupid little stunts." He hit her stomach, hard. Rachel doubled over in pain.

Rachel tried to get away but Trigon hurled her onto the staircase. The wind was knocked out of her.

Getting her breath back, Rachel tried to crawl away. Trigon towered over his injured daughter. He seemed to enjoy the fact that she was afraid and in pain. He also seemed amused that she thought she could get away from him.

Trigon grabbed Rachel, pulling her to her feet. He struck her face again. Rachel cried out as her lip split. He struck her again, harder that time. Rachel dropped to the floor. She covered her face, trying to protect herself.

"Get up!" he demanded. "Do what I say! You bitch! Get up!" Trigon grabbed Rachel by her hair and pulled her upright. Rachel cried out. It felt like he was pulling her hair out by the roots.

"You honestly think you can ever get away from me? I have power over you. I control everything about you. Never forget that!" He hit her with every sentence just to make his point. Rachel cried out in pain and surprise. Why was he hurting her like this?

Rachel tried to defend herself, to push him away. He roughly grabbed her left arm. His hand clamped onto her recently healed wrist, the wrist that had been broken. She screamed in pain.

Trigon threw his daughter like she was a rag doll, slamming her into the wall. Rachel cried out as her shoulder crashed into the mirror.

Rachel wondered if he'd kill her tonight. A part of her wished her would so she wouldn't go through anymore. But another part of Rachel wanted to survive. She knew if given the chance, she'd survive. She tried to get away. Even though she was in pain, she tried to dodge her father. But being in pain, Rachel moved slower than she wanted and was no match for her father.

He grabbed her and trapped her against the wall by pinning his arm across her shoulders and neck. She couldn't escape.

He got in her face and roared, "You're so worthless! Stupid! How could you be so stupid! You keep making the same stupid mistakes! You keep making me angry!"

Trembling, Rachel whimpered, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm…"

"Shut up!" he yelled. He grabbed her neck. Rachel gasped for air as he throttled her. Her fingers frantically dug at his hands, trying to break free. Her eyes were pleading for him to let her go.

Why didn't anyone hear her screams? Why didn't anyone come to rescue her? Why did her father hate her so much?

Fighting for air, Rachel whimpered, "Daddy …please …stop!"

Trigon loosened his grip on Rachel's throat. Still holding her, he pulled his free arm back. He positioned his fist to punch his daughter in the face. Rachel's eyes grew large with fear. Quickly, she squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to brace herself against the pain of her father's fist on her face.

"STUPID BITCH!" He slammed his fist into the wall next to Rachel's head. She cringed away from him.

Letting her go, Rachel dropped to her knees. Her breathing was shaky and she was in shock. She didn't want to make him angrier so she suppressed her tears.

Rachel cautiously put a hand to her face. When she pulled back her hand, she gasped seeing her blood on her hand. Hearing that, Trigon went over to his daughter. She automatically recoiled in fear.

Annoyed by her reaction, he repeated, "I control everything about you. I have power over you. Never forget that! You can never stop me. If you ever tell anyone about this I will give you a beating to end everything." Trigon looked around at the mess they've made. "I'm leaving. I want this mess cleaned up before I get back." He muttered to himself as he left, "Worthless bitch. She's just like her damn mother." He slammed both the front and the car doors. Rachel flinched each time.

Grateful to be alone, she wiped her bloody nose on her torn sleeve. She hoped it would stop soon. Trembling, she surveyed the damage. Most of it wasn't too bad. Rachel felt that she got the worst of it.

With trembling hands, Rachel pulled out her phone. The screen was cracked but it still worked. Wiping her bloody nose again, she made a call. She wasn't sure she should do this. Second guessing herself, she hung up. Deciding she needed to make this call, Rachel dialed again. No! Not the answering machine. Should she leave a message?

" … M-mom? Mom, I, I …need you. I need your …" Hearing a car in the driveway, Rachel started to panic. Was he home already? She hadn't done anything. She hadn't moved. He'd be so angry. Rachel was terrified. What would he do? What should, what could she do? She forgot she was on the phone. She whispered, "No. No, not again. Not more ..."

Remembering the phone, she ended the call. She didn't want her mother hearing her being beaten. Slowly, Rachel stood up. She didn't think she could handle going another round with her father. She didn't have a choice. If she didn't do something, Rachel was sure her father would kill her.

She wondered where that knife was. She didn't want to hurt him but she realized it was him or her. Rachel was tired of the abuse. She has tried to do and be what he wanted but it was never good enough. He made sure she felt that she wasn't good enough.

Trying to steady her breathing, Rachel knew she had to do something. Her father wasn't giving her a choice.

* * *

 **I updated this story on 10/19/17. Seven years ago, I started Songs About Me. That's a long time to work on a story, isn't it? I had planned on finishing that story months ago, but I got derailed. Now I'm not saying that I'm grateful that I had to stop that story and start this one. However, I do like the changes so far and I hope I've improved as a writer. Some of you have mentioned that I've improved some. Thanks.**

 **The other day, someone asked me if I was a writer. When everyone else pulls out their phones and I take out a notebook and pen. I shrugged and nonchalantly said that I do some writing, sometimes. Inside, I was giddy with joy. Someone noticed. =D**

 **You don't have to comment on my thoughts. In fact, I'd prefer if you didn't unless you add it to your comment on this story. I simply thought it was neat that it was these stories anniversary. And you know what? I am a writer and I WILL finish this story, along with my others.**

 **Thanks for reading and please let me know what you thought.**


	20. Chapter 20: Dead Memories

**Chapter 20: Dead Memories**

* * *

 **Disclaimer : I do not own the Teen Titans, Slipknot or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **"So when I ... / ... where I belong …" – Dead Memories, Slipknot**

* * *

Angela and Raúl returned from a night out. It'd been a while since they'd been on a date. It'd taken awhile but Angela wasn't so anxious about her meeting with Rachel. Angela couldn't shake feeling paranoid. Someone was watching them that day. Angela was terrified her ex husband would cause problems for her new life.

It was just a simple date, dinner and a movie, but it felt good being close. They were going to continue their night at home. Angela got the glasses and wine while Raúl picked the music. Seeing one message on the phone, Raúl played it.

Silence. That annoyed Angela. She hated it when people didn't say anything on an answering machine. She thought it was rude. It's probably just a wrong number but it was still annoying.

"M-mom?" It's Rachel. What's wrong? After the way they parted, Angela was sure it'd be a while before her daughter contacted her. "Mom, I, I … need you. I need your …" Rachel went quiet. Angela thought she heard panic and uncertainty in her daughter's voice but she couldn't be sure. She didn't know Rachel that well anymore. What did Rachel need? Why did she suddenly go silent?

Except, Rachel wasn't completely silent. Angela and Raúl heard Rachel's rapid and shuddering breathing. She sounded like she was panicking, or scared. "No. No, not again. Not more …"

Angela and Raúl stared at one another. The call, the message ended. What happened?

* * *

In a panic, Rachel dropped her phone. The sound of plastic clattering on the floor startled her. She couldn't let him know she called her mother. Contacting her mother before, got her into so much trouble. Where did that knife go?

Seeing Laura come through the door, Rachel slumped back down to the floor. Relieved, the teen started breathing again. Rachel didn't even realize she was holding her breath. She was just glad the beating wouldn't continue.

Laura stood in the doorway for a moment. She was shocked to see Rachel's disheveled appearance. Of course, Laura knew about Trigon's temper but she never thought he'd take things this far. She rushed over to the girl. "What happened? What did you do this time?"

Rachel glared at the woman as Laura helped her stand. Of course, she'd assume it was her was fault.

"Never mind what happened. Let's get you cleaned up." Laura helped Rachel to the powder room.

When the lights turned on, Rachel flinched. The bathroom lights seemed too bright. She gasped seeing her reflection. Her long hair was in a tangled mess. Blood was smeared on her face because of her lip and nose. Both were swollen. She didn't think her nose was broken, at least she hoped it wasn't. Her left cheek was also red and swollen. A bad bruise was already forming. The cut on her forehead seemed to have stopped bleeding.

Rachel carefully sat on toilet seat. Everything hurt, even her hair. Then she remembered how he'd grabbed her by her hair. When Laura went to get an ice pack, Rachel studied her reflection. She hated seeing herself like this but how could she have stopped it?

As Laura tended to her boyfriend's daughter's injuries, Rachel's thoughts went back to a few weeks ago, when Slade had to help her. Why were things getting worse? How much more could she take?

The teen was relieved that Laura was helping her. At the same time, Rachel was embarrassed and ashamed. She didn't want anyone to know what happened to her. Maybe Laura was right to ask what she'd done to deserve this? Maybe it was her fault? If she'd been better, smarter, prettier, good enough, then maybe this wouldn't happen?

"What happened? What did you do this time?" Those were the same questions Laura had asked moments ago. If Rachel was bruised and bleeding, why was the beating her fault?

"I …I don't know."

"Well, you must have done something wrong. I know your father has a temper but he wouldn't do anything without a reason." Rachel looked at Laura, did she ever get the brunt of her father's temper and abuse? Rachel never saw bruises on his girlfriend but that didn't mean anything. Her father used to make sure the bruises were hidden. Could Rachel have an ally in Laura?

Rachel hissed when Laura placed the ice pack on her cheek. Her cheek stung and throbbed. Actually, her whole head throbbed. Laura continued to think out loud as she helped Rachel. "Did he find you with your boyfriend, you know, in a compromising position? Did he find out you two are having sex?"

"I'm not sleeping with Jason."

"Well then, maybe he discovered you were with someone else? Trigon wouldn't like you being with one of his colleagues or rather a subordinate / employee."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Did Trigon find out about your affair with Slade?"

"What!"

"I saw you two outside the restaurant the night we met. You two looked cozy together. You're sleeping with Slade, are you not? After all, you spent the night at his place."

"What! No. No! I'm not sleeping with him! I was there because …" Rachel didn't want to say what drove her to seek refuge at Slade's apartment. They both knew the reason. It was the same reason for Rachel's current condition. "Besides, I'm not sleeping with anyone. I never have."

"Really? I would've thought after that time in Hamilton, the night you were there with your boyfriend, that would've changed. Okay, so you say you're still a virgin, then why was your father so angry? Was he angry about you seeing your mother?"

How did Laura know about Rachel and Jason being in Hamilton? Yes her father had told this lady about his daughter but they hadn't met yet. There'd be no way she'd recognize the teen. How did she know Rachel saw her mother?

"H-how? How did you know about that? How would you recognize me without meeting me?"

"I wasn't there, but Slade mentioned that he saw you talking to your mother. He said he saw your there with your boyfriend. Guess we just assumed since you two stayed in a hotel room, that you were sleeping with him."

Slade saw her in Hamilton? He saw her there and told Laura about that? And Laura told Rachel's father? But why? Why would they do that?

"Why would you tell dad?"

"I thought your father needed to know. It was for your protection. Trigon said your mother was unstable. I didn't want you getting hurt."

That didn't work out, did it?

Wait. Slade told Laura that she was in a hotel room with Jason. She said they both assumed they were sleeping together. That would explain Slade's comment that night about her and her boyfriend. But how did he know they stayed at a hotel? Was he watching her? Rachel shuddered at that thought. She did not like the idea of Slade watching and following her.

Did he stay at the same hotel? Could he have been in the next room? Rachel felt her face getting warm. She and Jason had almost gone all the way. While they didn't have sex, they did a lot more than Rachel had done. It was a nice hotel but I wasn't soundproof. Could he have heard them? That thought horrified the teen.

"You're blushing. I can see that even through the bruises. You might not be sleeping with your boyfriend but you two did things that night. Don't worry, I won't tell your father about you two fooling around. You know, you can always come to me with any questions." Rachel stared at her. She didn't know if she could trust Laura. After all, she's the one who got this latest beating started.

Laura misunderstood Rachel's silence. "You must be tired. Let's get you to bed. A good night sleep should help you feel better."

Rachel leaned against Laura as they climbed the stairs. Trying to figure out Laura made Rachel's throbbing head hurt. Rachel felt uncomfortable unlocking her bedroom door. She didn't like anyone in her room. "Why do you lock your door? If you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't need to lock it."

"I don't know, I just do." Rachel wanted to shut the door on Laura then crawl into bed. But Laura insisted on helping her to her bed. Laura tucked her in. Rachel hated to admit it but she liked that. She missed having someone taking care of her.

Laura brushed aside some hair on Rachel's forehead. She looked down at the battered teen. "I'm sorry you got hurt. But you had to know seeing your mother was wrong. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been sneaking around. You know what sets off your father, so I'd think you'd be more careful." Laura smiled tenderly, in a caring way. "Don't worry about cleaning up downstairs. I'll take care of that. And I'll talk to Trigon but I can't stop him if you keep messing up. Only you have control over that. I like you and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

Rachel stared at the door after Laura left. She couldn't believe what Laura had said. Was she blaming _her_ for her father hurting her? As quickly as her sore body allowed, Rachel got out of bed and locked the door. She didn't know how long her father would be gone but she did know she didn't want to see him or Laura. She was afraid to leave. She didn't know where she'd go if she did leave.

Wrapped in a blanket, she curled up on her bed. Rachel was so confused. Laura seemed to want to help and keep her safe. But then she did things that got things started. She seemed to blame Rachel for getting abused. Was Laura trying to get rid of her? Rachel still didn't know anything about Laura's daughter except that she wasn't in Laura's life. Did she want to send Rachel away?

Rachel had so many questions. She was so confused and scared. Now that she felt safe in her room, everything that had happened tonight hit her. She broke down crying. The house was quiet except for the sound of Rachel's quiet sobs.

Laura came upstairs and heard Rachel crying. She knew the teen was confused and hurting. A smile crept onto her lips as she looked at Rachel's door.

* * *

Trigon came home a few hours later. He turned on a light and looked around. There was no sign of a fight. He sighed, he didn't want to hurt his daughter but she made him so angry. If she'd stop making him angry, he'd stop hitting her. Angela has been gone for almost four years and Rachel had become such a handful. He did what he had to do to keep her under control. Sometimes, he didn't know what to do with her. If Rachel's mother was still here, well, then there would be two of them to control.

He decided to go check on Rachel. He went to open the door but it was locked. "Damn girl", he growled. He fiddled with the doorknob, breaking the lock. He saw her asleep in her bed. He left her room and went to get some sleep himself. Laura was already asleep. She must have seen Rachel. He wondered what Laura thought about it. He knew she couldn't stop him but would she turned him in? He didn't want to hurt Laura but he couldn't let her tell anyone. Trigon fell asleep wondered what to do to control the women in his life.

Trigon woke up a few hours later. Laura was already out of the house. She'd left a note that she'd be gone most of the day. That seemed innocent enough. He hoped she wasn't doing anything stupid and that she'd regret.

Again, he went to check on his daughter. She was still asleep. As he watched her sleep, he brushed aside a lock of her hair. He caught sight of the bruise on her cheek. He didn't realize he'd hit her so hard.

Trigon glanced around her room, he'd never been in her room before now. Seeing the drawings taped to the wall and the way the walls were painted, he didn't know she was into art. He realized he didn't know anything about his daughter.

Rachel groaned and stirred some. She was starting to wake up. Rachel started to move but everything hurt. In pain, she groaned.

Trigon said, "Finally, you're awake. Thought you'd be asleep all day. I don't have …"

Rachel's eyes flew open. What! He was in her room! How? She locked the door. She knew she locked the door. She always did. She was in a lot of pain but she locked it after Laura left. How did he get in here? Did he break the lock? He broke the lock! That meant he could enter her room whenever he wanted to. No! How could she stop him? How? She couldn't. She couldn't stop him. She could never stop him. Last night her father made that perfectly clear. Rachel knew she had to calm down. He was talking to her and she needed to listen. She knew it would just make him angry to know she wasn't paying attention to him. Calm down. She needed to calm down. She couldn't show fear.

Trigon continued, "You're so 'upset' after last night; I called the school. I told them you're sick. Since there's just two days left in this week and it's a three day weekend; you should be better by Tuesday."

Rachel hadn't moved a muscle, but she started to tremble. She knew he wanted a response. Trying to keep all emotions from her voice she stuttered, "Th-th-thank you." She mentally scolded herself for showing some fear.

Trigon smirked; he enjoyed knowing his daughter was afraid of him. "You don't leave the house and no one comes here, understand?"

Rachel quickly said, "Yes sir." Go! Leave! Just go away! Leave her alone! GO!

Trigon left, shutting the door with the now broken lock. Rachel was terrified of her father. If he could enter her room, then she wouldn't have a safe place to hide away from him. She didn't move until she heard her father's car leave the driveway.

She started to get up, but cried out in pain. Her side hurt. She didn't realize it before but it hurt every time she breathed. Rachel groaned painfully. She's in pain with every breath. What if her father broke a rib or punctured her lung? She lay back down. She was in so much pain. She tried not to cry, even though she scared and in pain. Trying to breathe normally, Rachel soon fell asleep again.

The ringing phone woke Rachel. She heard the answering machine come on. She couldn't tell what the message was. Rachel had no idea what time it was. She noticed she was a little hungry. Gingerly, Rachel got out of bed. Her alarm clock read two-seventeen. She was surprised she slept so long. She felt like a wreck.

Slowly, Rachel went downstairs. Every step, actually every breath was painful. She saw herself in a mirror. She looked awful. She was glad she was able to stay home from school. There was no way she could have hidden this. There was a cut on her forehead. Her cheek was reddish-purple and swollen, as was her lip. She was startled to see the ring of discoloration around her neck. She shuttered remembering her father's hands around her throat.

In the kitchen, she got herself some toast, a glass of apple juice and ibuprofen. She also grabbed an ice pack and held it to her cheek. She had to get the swelling to go down. While eating, Rachel checked the answering machine. She scowled hearing Vic's voice come on the machine. It was from last night. "Hey, Rae, just checkin' to make sure you got home alright. See ya tomorrow."

There was one for her father. Rachel skipped it. She didn't need to hear anything that had to do with him.

Another one was from Kori. Kori's chipper but concerned voice came on the machine. "Hi Rachel. How are you feeling? We hope you are not too sick. I will get your homework assignments. Hope you feel better soon. Bye." Despite feeling awful, Rachel smiled to herself.

The following message was from Gar. "Hey Rae-chel. Hope you're feelin' better. If you need anything just let us know." Over his shoulder, he called out, "I'm talkin' to Rae. Okay, I'm coming. Sorry, Rae, gotta get to class. Feel better." Rachel slowly shook her head. Gar was sweet but dorky.

The fifth message was also for her father about work. It was from Slade. Rachel involuntarily shuddered. Why did he have to be interested in her?

The final message was from Kori again. "Hi Rachel, it is me again. I forgot to tell you I would be over to your house a little after six. I hope that is okay. If it is not, give me a call. Hope you feel better soon. Toodle-oo." Rachel sadly smiled at Kori was enthusiasm. A part of her wished she could go back to being like that.

Rachel jumped when Laura came home. At first, she was afraid it was her father. She tried to calm her nerves.

"You look awful." Gee, thanks. "How are you feeling?"

Rachel started to shrug but winced in pain. "It, it hurts to breathe."

"Hmmm, wonder what that means. Have you taken anything?"

Rachel nodded, "Ibuprofen, about a half hour ago."

Laura tried to figure out what to do. "Have you looked that up online?"

Rachel shook her head. She was too afraid to that. She was afraid of what she'd discover. On some sites, looking up what to do prevent hangnails could lead to a terminal illness. If something that simple could be blown out of proportion, then what would something more serious become?

Laura decided check out the internet. "Did you hear anything crack when you, um, fell?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, do you feel a protrusion or a gap in your ribs?"

"I don't know, it's tender and hurts to breathe."

"Okay, you don't have to snap at me." She looked some more online. "Well, it seems like your ribs are either bruised or broken, maybe just cracked?" Rachel didn't like any of those options. Neither one knew what to do. Though, they both knew Rachel couldn't go to the hospital.

"Get changed. You can't go anywhere with your shirt bloody and torn."

Rachel had forgotten about her ruined shirt. She was a little disgusted to know she slept in it. "Where are we going?"

"I know a doctor who owes me a favor. Don't worry, he won't say anything to anyone. Do you have sunglasses? Never mind, you can wear mine."

Rachel was very skittish and self-conscious exiting the house. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She made sure her hood was up and the sunglasses were secure on her face. In the car, she scrunched down in her seat the best she could, at least, how far her injuries would allow her. Whenever they came to a stoplight, Rachel looked down at her lap. She didn't want to risk anyone seeing her. The whole time, Laura chatted as if the two were going on a shopping trip and Rachel wasn't bruised and hurting.

At the doctor's house, Laura did all the talking. Rachel just nodded or shook her head. She groaned when he examined her ribs but she didn't think she said a word through the whole doctor's visit.

Rachel wondered what kind of doctor would treat a battered teen but not tell authorities. He didn't even ask what happened to her, not that she'd tell the truth if he did. Trigon had conditioned his daughter to lie about the source of her injuries.

When Rachel and Laura got home, Rachel was exhausted. She went to bed. It turned out Rachel's ribs were bruised. There wasn't much that could be done about that other than ice packs, ibuprofen and time. The doctor told her she needed to breathe normally. If she took only shallow breaths then she could be at risk for an infection or other problems with her lungs.

Rachel woke up to raised voices. Her father and Laura were arguing. It sounded like her father didn't like that Laura took her to a doctor. Trigon growled and roared but Laura seemed to give it right back to him. Rachel feared Laura would receive the same reaction that she did. She hated waiting for the sound of her father's hand hitting Laura but it never came. Instead, there was silence. Were they done fighting? Rachel wondered why she was the only one her father hurt.

A half hour later, Trigon knocked on Rachel's door. He waited a second before entering. He seemed surprised that she was awake but lay there listless. He looked her curled up in bed. The bruise on her cheek was dark and ugly. He hesitated a second. Again, he didn't realize he'd hit her so hard. Maybe Laura was right to take his daughter to a doctor? Without asking, he sat on the bed.

"Um, are you, uh, okay? Laura said she took you to a doctor."

"Don't worry, I didn't say anything."

Trigon studied his daughter a moment. This wasn't the way things should be. He tenderly and caringly rubbed her shoulder. He was concerned. She should be more careful. He didn't want her getting seriously hurt.

His actions surprised Rachel and confused her. He did this to her. He hurt her. Now he was worried about her? What about before his hand made contact with her? What about before he dug that glass into her arm? What about before he said mean, belittling things to her? He'd never shown concern before. Why was this time so different? Was it because he could see what he'd done to her? Rachel resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She'd never understand him.

"I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me." Not that you ever did.

He didn't know whether or not to believe her. He studied her a moment before leaving. Rachel let out a shaky breath of relief. She just wanted to be left alone.

A little after six, Rachel heard the doorbell ring. It was Kori with Rachel's homework. Rachel heard another voice. It's Vic. Worried, Rachel frowned. They've both had a glimpse of her father's temper. Did they suspect anything? If they did, what would happen?

Rachel carefully got out of bed. Quietly opening her door, she went to the hall. She overheard Laura meeting her friends then saying she had to go out of town but she'd be back sometime tomorrow. What was that about?

Kori asked if they could see Rachel for a moment. Trigon told them she was sleeping. He thanked them for bringing the homework. She heard her friends say they hoped she felt better soon.

Rachel went to the window at the end of the hall. She watched them get in the car. Don't leave her. Please don't leave her. Rachel couldn't help but feel like she was in one of her childhood storybooks. She felt like she was trapped in a castle with an ogre and a witch guarding her. Rachel leaned her forehead against the cool glass as she watched them drive away. As she strained to see the last of Vic's car, she whispered, "Don't leave me."

Rachel backed up until her back touched the wall. She slid down along the wall until she was seated. Silently, Rachel cried. She was trapped, alone and afraid. No one would ever know what she's gone through. No one would help her. She didn't know why he hurt her. She used to love him as a daughter should. But he didn't seem to want that. He seemed to crave her anxiety, her fear. Well, he definitely got that. Not that Rachel wanted him to know how much she feared him.

Rachel was also weary of Laura. Why did her father's girlfriend seem to help her one moment then go against her the next? Was she crazy? Was that why she didn't have her daughter?

Was Rachel going crazy like her mother? She wasn't paranoid, was she? They were the ones hurting her. Then why did they act hurt by Rachel's injured appearance? She was so confused. Nothing seemed real. Was this the new normal?

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think.**


	21. Chapter 21The Trick is to Keep Breathing

**Chapter 21: The Trick is to Keep Breathing**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Garbage or these lyrics.**

 **" _She knows …/ …fall apart_ " – The Trick is to Keep Breathing, Garbage**

* * *

"Mr. Wilson?" asked a female voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes?" Slade thought he recognized the voice. If he was right about who it was, why would she call him?

"Would you please meet me at the rest stop near Collinsville?"

"Why should I do that?" He was right about who it was. Why did Laura De Mille want him to meet her there, at a rest stop of all places? Collinsville was in the next county. Why couldn't they meet somewhere in Jump City?

"Don't worry, I'll make it worth your time."

Slade knew he should probably say no, but his curiosity was too great. He wanted to know what Laura was up to. "Fine. When do you want me there?"

"Leave now. I'll meet you there tonight."

Slade grabbed his keys. The night just got interesting.

* * *

Angela stared at the phone. A part of her willed for the phone to ring. She wanted to know if the police found anything. Another part of her, hoped they wouldn't call. She didn't want them to have horrible news. Most of all, Angela wished her daughter would call saying she was all right and safe. Angela could only focus on Rachel. Nothing else mattered.

"Angela? Ange?"

"What? Oh sorry," Startled out of her thoughts, Angela blinked a few times. When had Raúl come home? How late was it? When did it get dark out? "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was so late. Have you eaten? I didn't make any dinner. You must be starving. I'll get something as quick as I can." She hurried to the kitchen.

"Don't worry about it." Raúl followed.

Angela stopped with her hand on the cupboard knob. "But you're …"

"I'm okay." Raúl tried to reassure her. "I'll make something or we can order in. Heard anything from Rachel?"

"No, nothing." It had been about twenty-four hours since Rachel left that message. Hoping for some news, Angela has stayed by the phone all day. "That's why I'm so worried. Can't the police do anything?"

"They said they'd do what they could but it'd be hard. I'm sure it's not easy tracing a cell phone from voice-mail, especially if that phone was a pay-as-you-go phone."

The fact that Rachel had a temporary phone worried Angela. Nearly every teenager had a cell phone these days. It seemed that it was practically required. Wouldn't Trigon allow Rachel to have a phone? Was that the reason why she had a temporary one? Did Rachel buy it and kept it from her father? Wouldn't an action like that anger her ex? Thoughts like those kept running through Angela's mind. "If only I'd been here, I could have answered the phone. I could've helped Rachel."

"How? You don't know where she lives."

"I feel horrible for not knowing where my own daughter lives. I think she might have mentioned where they moved to but I don't remember. And we tried looking up any Roths in the state but didn't have any luck. I should be a to find my daughter." Angela slumped her shoulders and bowed her head. "Guess I'm not very good at being a mother."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that about knowing where Rachel lives. I was there too but I don't remember if she said anything. And you are a good mother, you just weren't given a chance." Raúl hesitated a moment before he asked, "But how could you have helped her when you don't know where she was? Maybe she wasn't calling from home?"

Angela shrugged her shoulders as she glared at him. "I don't know." Why didn't he understand? "I could've found out where she was."

"And then what? Would you have gone to her? What if she wasn't in the state?"

Angela narrowed her eyes. Why didn't he see how important this was? Maybe he didn't care as much as she did? Why should he care? Rachel was her daughter, not his. Raúl didn't know Rachel. Then again, neither did she. The fact that she didn't know anything about her own daughter upset Angela. "Yes. I would have gone to her, if she needed me. It wouldn't matter if she was on the other side of the country or half way around the world. I would've found a way. I haven't been there for Rachel but if I can help her now, I will."

He hated that Angela was so upset. He wanted to help her. "Somehow, we will find out how to help her."

Angela stood with her arms crossed. She couldn't believe it. Now he was talking _we_ when moments ago it was _what are you going to do_. Whatever. "She's my daughter," Angela tapped her chest possessively, "I will do what I have to do. I shouldn't have been out having fun while my daughter was in trouble." If he didn't care, she'd do everything on her own.

Raúl didn't like how she sounded like she was blaming herself for what happened. He couldn't believe how possessive Angela was being. True, he didn't know Rachel. They'd never met except for that one time they met in the park. But he felt like he knew her, based on what Angela's said about her. Even if he hadn't met Rachel that one time, he would've wanted Angela's daughter to be safe. "There's no way you could've known she was going to call."

"I should've been here." Angela jabbed her finger at herself, then jabbed her finger at the floor. "I shouldn't have been out having fun while my daughter was in trouble. I didn't even want to go out."

That wasn't true. Angela was exited about having a date night. Was she blaming him now? Neither one could've known Rachel was going to call. Raúl understood Angela was scared and frustrated. He wanted to help her but couldn't do that if she blocked him out. He didn't know what he could say to make her understand.

Angela misunderstood his silence. "If you don't care or don't want to help me? Fine." Exasperated, she threw her hands in the air. "I'll do everything myself. It's obvious, you don't want to help."

"I …" What could he say? Frustrated, Raúl ran his hand through his hair. He didn't want to say something that would make things worse. The woman he cared for was glaring at him. Angela was so enraged that her whole body shook. Raúl understood it was probably easier to lash out at him, especially since Angela could never do that to her ex. But it didn't make it easier for him. They needed some time to calm down. "I … I'm going for a run. I'll be back in a while."

Angela crossed her arms again. With clenched teeth, her chin jut out in anger. Why couldn't he see how important this was to her? Her daughter was in some kind of trouble. Rachel called because she needed help. Her help and she couldn't do that. Why did Raúl have to make it sound like that message was no big deal? Angela couldn't shake how afraid Rachel sounded.

Hearing the front door close, Angela's shoulders dropped. She uncrossed her arms and leaned against the wall. She then covered her face with her hands. Why? Why did she say those things to Raúl? She knew he was concerned about Rachel.

Angela felt bad for getting into an argument with Raúl. He wasn't to blame for whatever was happening with Rachel. Even though she felt guilty for what Rachel was going through, deep down she knew it wasn't her fault.

Ever since Rachel had contacted her, Angela had been tense, stressed. She was expecting something to happen. Angela knew that her ex-husband wasn't the type who'd just let things drop. Trigon kept grudges and if someone went against him, he retaliated.

What was she going to do? Angela knew Raúl loved her but a part of was afraid he'd leave her. Why shouldn't he? She just accused him of not caring about her daughter's safety. How could she say that?

Angela knew Raúl had had a hard upbringing. She knew that he'd had trouble with his own father. She knew that his father questioned Raúl's paternity and he favored Raúl's brother. His father took his anger out on young Raúl. She knew that things got worse between the two after Raúl's mother died. She knew that when Raúl was in high school, his father walked out on him, taking his brother. That could've made Raúl bitter and angry, but he got passed all of that. It wasn't easy but he was now a very caring and loving man. Angela wept. She wouldn't be surprised if Raúl did run from her. He deserved someone without all her baggage.

Suddenly, Angela remembered something. She hurried to their bedroom. She hoped she hadn't thrown it out. Digging through her nightstand, she franticly searched. Finding what she was looking for, Angela left it in the drawer. She hadn't thrown it out, even though she told herself she should.

Sitting on the bed and taking a deep breath, Angela pulled out a small zipper-top baggie. It was only an inch or two wide. It was the type of baggie that held the extra buttons for a new shirt or sweater. Biting both her top and bottom lips at the same time, Angela stared at the contents of the baggie. It was only one pill. The pill almost looked like candy. It looked like it was made of the same stuff as those chalky heart candies or those tart and sweet candies, but it wasn't. What was in that baggie wasn't that innocent. It wasn't innocent at all.

Angela couldn't believe she still had it. Over the summer, a co-worker gave it to her, telling her it'd help her loosen up. At the time, Angela was offended. How dare that co-worker, who was barely in her twenties, suggest that Angela was too uptight. Angela stuffed it in her pocket because she didn't want to be seen throwing it away at work. But at the moment, she had mixed feelings about still having the pill. Could this pill help her?

Since she was so worried, so anxious about Trigon and now Rachel, Angela had trouble sleeping. That lack of sleep and her anxiety were wreaking havoc with her and Raúl's relationship. Tonight wasn't the first argument they'd had in the past few weeks. Although, the others weren't as bad as this one had been.

Studying the pill in the baggie, Angela didn't know if she should take it. That co-worker who gave it to her, said it would make Angela feel more at ease and trusting. She'd feel carefree. She also said Angela would feel a greater sense of intimacy with her guy. That pill would give her a high that would last a few hours. Enough time for the two of them to get back on track.

Angela's dark blue eyes darted back and forth. She couldn't make up her mind. She didn't like the idea of taking a drug to help her feel better. She'd had to do that in the hospital. She didn't know if she'd have a bad reaction or if there'd be side effects. She also didn't want to get hooked on that stuff. Was that even a possibility? Her co-worker only gave Angela one so she could try it. She could get more if she wanted more. Angela couldn't decide.

* * *

Slade entered the fast food restaurant at the rest stop in Collinsville. He sat down across from a short-haired brunette. "What do you want, Laura?"

"Hello. Nice to see you, too. I just want to talk."

Slade ignored the greetings. He didn't have time for games. "If that's all you wanted to do, we could have stayed in Jump City. What do you want?"

Laura raised a well defined eyebrow. "You are very observant. And it appears you are a man with questionable scruples."

Slade narrowed his eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't mean for that to sound like a bad thing. I've seen the way you look at Trigon's daughter. You know, she is too young for you to have such thoughts."

"I don't know what you're talking about." He pushed his chair back and stood to leave. He didn't need to be accused of being inappropriate even if it was true.

"Sit down. Relax. I wasn't accusing you of doing anything wrong. That is, unless you've …?" Laura eyed him suggestively.

"I haven't touched the girl."

Laura grinned. They both knew that wasn't true. She saw him kiss or at least try to kiss Rachel. And Rachel had said nothing happened that night at Slade's place but Laura had her suspicions that Slade wanted things to be different. "Don't worry, it wouldn't matter if you have. It's not any of my business. Although, I'm sure Trigon would be furious if he knew you wanted to screw his perfect daughter."

The way she said "perfect" sounded like an insult. "Sounds like you're not a fan of Rachel."

Laura pressed her lips together and rolled her eyes. "She's too headstrong. I don't know, it seems like no matter what Trigon puts her through, she's unbreakable. She's too prideful, I guess. Never mind that. We should get down to why I asked you here." She looked around the restaurant. No one was paying attention to them. That was good because the conversation they'd just had would've alerted someone's suspicions. Laura leaned towards Slade. She lowered her voice. "Can you break into a place without being caught?"

"You want me to break into someplace and steal something?"

"I'm don't want you to take something. I want you to leave something. Can you do that or do I need to get someone else?"

"I can do what you want. What do you want me to leave?"

"This," she said as she pulled a photograph from her purse.

Slade studied the picture. It was obviously a mother and daughter. Both females had long, dark hair and dark eyes. He thought they looked familiar. Upon further examination, He realized the girl was a younger version of the teenaged version he knew now. The girl would probably look like her mother when she became that age. Slade glanced at Laura then the picture again. He grinned. He thought he had an idea of what Laura was up to.

"I can do this, easily."

"Wonderful, I'll call you with the details." With that, Laura glanced around the restaurant and wrinkled her nose in disgust. She left without saying another word.

* * *

Angela heard Raúl come back from his run. He did that to clear his head and to work off energy after they argued. Angela was glad they didn't argue often, until recently. She feared that Raúl might want to run from her. She hated that she was such a mess. All thanks to Trigon.

Angela's co-worker was right about how she'd feel. Although, she went through a short time when she was a little lightheaded and confused. But now, she had an overwhelming urge to do something wild.

Hearing Raúl turn on the shower, Angela had an idea, some way to make up for the argument. She got up from bed and removed her shirt and jeans. She quietly went to the bathroom, wearing only her underwear. She knew he'd never expect that.

Entering the steam filled room, Angela felt incredible. Her nerves tingled with excitement. And her heart raced as she thought about what she was about to do. She was going to make Raúl a very happy man. Removing her remaining articles, Angela slipped into the shower.

"Ange?" Raúl was surprised to see Angela standing there. "What are you doing?"

"I want to apologize for picking a fight with you. I know you're trying to help me. I know you want what's best for Rachel. I want to make it up to you."

The steam from the shower peaked their desires. Raúl studied his girlfriend's eyes. He wanted her but he had to be certain she was okay. This wasn't like her. "Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you're pressured."

She gave him a sultry smile. "I want you."

With no clothes to remove, things got heated very fast. It had been a while they'd been together. It wasn't anyone's fault, just bad scheduling. They never seemed to find the time. When they did find time, one or both of them were too tired. Those weren't good excuses. They loved one another and they needed to take time to show how their love.

Despite the pill and Raúl's touch, Angela's mind started to wander. Why did Rachel call? Was it something to do with her father? Was Trigon as controlling as he was when they were married? She remembered Trigon demanding things his way. She remembered if he felt threatened, if he thought she was gaining some independence, then he'd strike out. Because Rachel was growing up, did she challenge her father and he ended up threatening her?

Angela mentally shook her head. She shouldn't think about her ex when she was with the man she wanted, the man she loved. It wasn't fair to Raúl. It wasn't fair to her. She needed to focus on right now.

Angela forced herself to be in the moment. Doing so, she felt the magic between them. Lightening surged through her body. As Raúl intimately touched her, a brief thought of her ex-husband entered her mind. No. She would not think of him. Not when she was with a man who truly loved her. Angela wrapped arms around Raúl. She couldn't get enough of him. She needed him as if her sanity depended on their being together.

Angela's breath caught in her throat when he shoved her against the tile wall. They couldn't get enough of one another. She moaned as his lips trailed down her body. Her nerves were on fire. Every touch seemed to be magnified. But she wanted more, she needed more. She wanted to do the kinds of things her parents used to tell her good girls didn't do.

Angela pushed against Raúl's chest, making him step away from her. Their eyes locked as she slowly dropped to her knees. A sultry smile crossed her lips. They'd never done this. The truth was, she'd never done this, any of this. She was always too shy but not tonight.

When Angela once more stood before him, Raúl pushed her back against the wall again. They kissed passionately as he touched her body. His lips trailed down to her neck. She ran her fingers through his wet hair. Again, her breath caught in her throat when his hand reached her between her legs. He teased her delicate flesh. The more intense he was, the more she tangled her fingers in his hair. Angela breathed his name with a raspy voice as Raúl teased her. She struggled for her breath the more he did.

With all of that happening to her plus that pill, Angela felt like fireworks were about to go off inside her. She threw her head back and moaned loudly. Angela arced her back, pressing her body closer to his hand.

Her legs trembled as she cried out. She was afraid her legs would give out. He told her to put her arms around his neck. Raúl held her by her waist once he removed his hands from her body.

Raúl surprised Angela by lifting her up. He held her back against the wall. They had a burning, insatiable desire to be together. If they were going to do this, they'd have to be quick. She was more than ready. Wrapping her legs around his waist, He didn't give her any time to adjust, he was hard and fast. What they were doing felt raunchy but it was also so titillating. Angela tightly gripped Raúl's shoulders. She was so close to the edge, she panted for air. He loved hearing her cry out his name.

Raúl carried Angela to their bedroom after they were done in the shower. He thought she was in a rare mood. She seemed to have let go of her anxieties and her inhibitions. She was so much more intimate with him. That much was obvious by the things they just did in the shower. Raúl didn't know why Angela was so sensual tonight. She surprised him when she said she wanted to continue their night of passion. This wasn't like Angela. She wasn't usually so reckless and carefree.

Raúl questioned if she was sure. He liked the idea of being more adventurous but he had to be sure she'd be okay. He didn't want to hurt her. He knew that her ex-husband had been controlling. Raúl didn't know if her ex took his control issues to the bedroom. Raúl remembered when he and Angela decided it was time to be together, she was timid and still shied away from him. He understood that it'd been a while since she'd been with a man. He also understood that the only man she'd been with, had hurt her psychologically, emotionally and physically. Raúl was gentle and patient with Angela. Even that seemed to be too much at first. Eventually, Angela trusted both herself and Raúl enough to be intimate with him. However, they never did any more than the basics. Any time he'd hint at doing something more adventurous, Angela would shut things down. There were times, Raúl couldn't help wondering if that bastard had forced himself on his wife.

However, tonight was different. Angela had pushed aside all her inhibitions. What she suggested they do, was far beyond the basics. She wanted to be salacious. It was almost as if Angela was a different person. She was both seductress and submissive.

After a night of making love, they fell asleep in each other's arms. By early morning, Raúl was on his side, asleep. Angela held the sheet to her naked form and stared at the ceiling. The pill she'd taken had worn off. She didn't feel carefree anymore. Instead, Angela felt alone and anxious about what they did.

They'd never done anything like that before. They'd never had multiple rounds of wild, passionate sex. They'd never made love without protection. Angela knew she was on the pill so that shouldn't be a problem. She was only in her early thirties, so she was young enough to still have a child. But Angela wasn't sure if she wanted that. Of course, she'd love to have Raúl's child but …should she? So far, Angela thought she'd been a disaster of a mother.

Thinking of children, her thoughts turned to her daughter. Angela felt guilty getting so much pleasure when Rachel could be scared or worse, hurt. What kind of mother was consumed in her own desires while her daughter was in trouble? Maybe she didn't deserve having Rachel in her life? Angela hoped tonight wouldn't lead to her being pregnant. If she shouldn't have Rachel, then she didn't deserve another child.

* * *

A few days later, after that wild night, Angela was still troubled by what she did. Had she really let Raúl do those things to her? She couldn't imagine herself wanting to do some of that, most of that if she hadn't taken that pill. Maybe it was a mistake taking that pill?

The phone rang and Angela jumped. She was still on edge and she told herself she had to calm down.

"Ms. Angela Madsen?" asked a woman's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes?" The number looked familiar but Angela didn't know what it belonged to.

"Ms. Madsen, I'm Joan Franklin from Liberty State Bank." That was Angela's bank. What was wrong? They'd never called her before. "There seems to be an issue with your account. Would you be able to come down to the bank so we could straighten it out?"

"What's wrong with my account? Did someone hack into it?" Angela feared that Trigon might be behind the problem. He seemed to be behind all her recent problems.

"No, it's nothing like that. It would just be easier and get resolved quicker if you came down here."

"Um, okay, I, uh, I can be there within the hour. Do I need to bring anything?"

"Great, just ask for Joan when you get here. And yes, bring your bank statements for the last six months." Smiling, woman hung up the phone. She pulled on a blonde wig over her short dark hair. She looked like a different person with the wig. When the woman spoke to herself, she had a slight French accent. Moments ago, she didn't have such an accent. She had disguised her voice and now she was disguised. "Angela Madsen, I am going to mess with your head."

* * *

Slade watched the dark-haired woman get in her car. He didn't know what Laura did to get the woman to leave but it worked. He waited a moment to be sure she didn't forget anything. With the coast clear, Slade went to the back door. It was a simple lock and didn't take much to get it opened.

He carefully walked around the modest bungalow. So, this was where Trigon's ex-wife lived with this Surillo guy? It was obvious they didn't have much but they'd made their place homey.

Slade wandered through the house searching for just the right spot. He needed to leave that photograph where Angela was sure to see it.

After finding the right spot for that picture, Slade slipped out of the house. He was undetected just as he had been when he entered Angela's house. Not a thing was out of place. No one would know he was there, except for the gift that he'd left.

* * *

Many thoughts ran through Angela's mind as she drove downtown to the bank. What was wrong with her account? The woman said no one had hacked into it but what if Trigon did something. What could she do? Did he somehow find out that she saw Rachel? Why wouldn't he leave her alone?

Entering the bank, Angela saw it wasn't too busy. She went up to the counter and asked for Joan. The lady behind the counter directed Angela to an office across from the counter. Angela hesitated and took a deep breath before knocking on the door. The voice that was on the phone with her earlier, granted her entrance.

Angela saw a red-headed older women sitting behind the desk. There was a blonde woman sitting on the other side of the desk. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were still with someone," said Angela as she started to back out of the office.

"Ms. Madsen?" Angela nodded. "No, don't go. I'm Joan Franklin and I need to see both you and Mrs. Camden. Please, have a seat." Angela sat in the chair next to the blonde woman. "Did you bring your bank statements?"

"Yes. What's going on? Why do you have to see both of us, at the same time? What's wrong with my account? You said it wasn't hacked into but …"

"I'm sorry if I alarmed you," interrupted Joan. "That wasn't my intention. And no, your account wasn't hacked into. Unfortunately, a mistake was made. However, it wasn't something either of you did. I'm afraid the mistake was on our part." Joan gave the two women a friendly smile. "Your two accounts got switched for a few weeks. I'm not sure how it happened though. I suppose it's because your account numbers are so similar. May I have your statements?" Both women looked at one another before handing over their paperwork. Joan quickly studied the papers before her. "Yes, that must be what happened. Mrs. Camden's …"

"Please call me, Heather," she said with a definite southern accent.

"Okay, well, Heather's account ends with 5179 and Angela's, may I call you Angela?" The brunette nodded. "Well, yours, Angela, ends with 5719. It was an honest mistake but it shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry. We'll have to be more careful in the future. We will make things right. And thank you, Heather, for noticing the problem."

"You're welcome, but what if, by fixing our accounts, one of us will now have an overdraft? This mistake wasn't our fault. I don't think we should be penalized for something your bank did," said Heather. Angela nodded in agreement.

"I understand why you'd be upset. Again, I'm sorry." Joan gathered the papers. "First, let's see where things are once we get this straightened out. If it turns out one of you will be in that position, we'll do something to make up for it. But, like I said, let me first see were things stand once your accounts are righted."

Heather sighed, then nodded. That would have to do for now.

"Good, "Joan stood. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go make this right."

The two women were left alone in the office. Angela looked around the office. While she did that, she didn't notice the other women looking at her.

Angela chuckled nervously, "Well, I've never been through anything like this. I was afraid someone had hacked into my account. I mean, on the news, you hear about that happening. It seems like it's happening all the time. You know, if those people would use their computer skills at an honest job and didn't scam people, things would be better for everyone."

Heather had to agree. "There's too many people looking for the easy way. It's shameful that anyone would think of scamming an elderly couple from their hard earned money or scamming storm victims. People don't seem to have morals anymore."

"I think most people are good. They just don't have news stories about them."

Heather smiled, "I'm sorry for getting so worked up a this. But your probably right. There are probably more good people than bad."

"I hope they can fix this. And I hope it doesn't happen again," said Angela as she slightly leaned over the desk to see the pictures of Joan's children. "I wonder if something like this has happened to anyone else."

Heather smiled, "I'm sure this has happened to before." She sighed as she turned to look at the door. "I wonder how long this will take."

Angela glanced at her watch. It was almost three. Schools would let out soon. "Do you have any children you have to pick up from school?"

"No, my …son's in college."

"Oh, where does he go?"

"Texas State. I'm originally from Texas but moved here because of my husband's job." Angela smiled, that explained Heather's accent. "Speaking of children," continued Heather, "I think I must have meet your daughter."

What! "What? No, I'm sorry, but you couldn't have. I ...don't have a daughter. I don't have any children. I've never been married."

"Well, you know it's not strange anymore to have kids but not be married. So, I wouldn't think anything of it if you were. But, I'm sorry." Heather frowned as she thought about things. "I was sure the girl I met must have been your daughter. She was a teenager and looked just like you. Ya know, they say everyone has a "twin" out there. Guess your so called twin must have had a daughter. Wouldn't it be interesting if y'all met sometime?"

This woman's comments startled Angela. Could she have actually met Rachel? If so, when? How? Did this woman know where her daughter was? "Um, where did you met this girl?"

"Oh, it was a few days ago," said Heather, nonchalantly. "Ya know, she had long dark hair, like yours. And her eyes were an amazing dark blue. I'd never seen eyes that color until you walked in. That's why I assumed she was your daughter. Anyway, I saw her at a hospital …"

What! "Was she hurt badly?"

"What? No, oh, I'm sorry. I should've made myself clear." Heather shook her head. "I met her in a waiting room at a hospital. I think she said she was waiting for her father. He was having some tests run. Ya know that when men get to a certain age, they need to have things tested. If he's anything like most men, like my husband," Heather rolled her eyes, "then his daughter probably had to drag him there."

Angela wanted to ask more questions but she didn't know how without raising this woman's suspicions. She'd already said she didn't have a daughter, so why would she aske so many questions about this girl? It didn't matter anyway, there wasn't any time, Joan came back.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." She smiled to them as she took her seat at her desk. "Well, it seems I was right about how the mistake happened. And as luck would have it, the difference was a little under five dollars. That shouldn't be enough to throw off things, but in case it does, we'll wave the overdraft fee."

Everyone stood and shook hands. Heather said friendly, "Nice to meet, Angela, even though this was a strange circumstances."

Angela returned the smile but she was distracted. Could that girl that Heather described, be Rachel?

* * *

Angela thought about what that woman said. That woman thought she'd met her daughter. No one who was in town now knew she had a daughter. Those who would know, didn't live in Hamilton anymore. Apparently Rachel and her father moved away years ago. So why would this woman assume Angela was the mother of a teenaged girl? And why didn't she ask where she saw her?

The more Angela thought about it, the more she got worked up about it. Did that mean someone's been watching them? That thought horrified her. The only person who would watch her was Trigon. Why, after all these years, would her ex-husband have her watched? She did what he wanted. She gave up Rachel.

Angela was working herself into a paranoid state. She was certain Trigon had people spying on her. That, somehow, he found out that she met with Rachel. She was afraid he'd take his anger out on her.

Needing to calm down, Angela got herself a cup of tea. She knew she was being ridiculous. There was no reason for Trigon to come after her. She'd done everything he wanted. She wasn't the one who contacted Rachel. It was the other way around. She just had to be careful.

She had Raúl in her life, he'd protect her. Angela put a hand on her flat stomach. She didn't know for certain but she had a strange feeling she might be pregnant. It was too early to take a pregnancy test, but she thought she felt the same way with Rachel. If Angela was right, there was another reason to keep Trigon out of her life.

Angela dropped her cup when she saw the photograph. Where did that come from? No one knew she had it, not even Raúl. She kept it hidden. Why would it be on the kitchen table? Why didn't she see it before now? Did Raúl put it there? Why would he do that? Was Raúl more like Trigon than she realized?

She put her hand on her stomach again. How did he know she was possibly carrying his child if she didn't know? Before and while Angela was carrying Rachel, Trigon was caring and sweet. He was just as a husband should be but soon after their daughter's birth, he became more possessive. He wanted Angela to focus only on him but that was impossible with a newborn.

Eventually, he'd calmed down. But years later, Trigon had used their daughter to control her. Would Raúl do the same thing with this child? Would Raúl try to take her child away from her? Angela couldn't let that happen. She couldn't put herself or possible unborn child in danger.

Raúl came home and was startled to see the broken cup on the kitchen floor. What happened? Where was Angela? That was the only thing that looked alarming. Still, he was worried about Angela. Was she right to be paranoid about her ex-husband?

He heard rustling in their bedroom. Carefully, he went through the house to the bedroom. What Raúl saw in the room, surprised him. Angela was packing clothes, her clothes. She already had one bag packed. Why was she doing that?

"Angela? Angela?" Angela cried out and jumped. "What's wrong? Why are you packing up your things?"

"What are you doing here? Why are you home so early?" She had hoped to be out of there before Raúl came home. She wanted more time and distance between them before he realized she was gone.

For a moment, Raúl thought he saw sheer panic cross Angela's face before she quickly hid it. What was going on? "It's after five, I'm home from work. What's wrong?"

Angela looked at her watch then back at Raúl. It was five-twenty. So he wasn't sneaking home early but that didn't mean he wouldn't hurt her. She tried to calm herself. She knew she couldn't let on that she was leaving him. "N-nothing's wrong."

"Then why are you packing your stuff?" repeated Raúl.

"I, um, I'm going to visit my sister. You remember, I told you about Maureen?"

Raúl remembered Angela telling him about her older sister. But also he remembered that Angela said they didn't get along. "I didn't think got along so well that you'd go visit her."

Angela busied herself with folding clothes. She wanted to avoid making eye contact with Raúl. She was afraid he'd see that she was lying. "Well, she, um ,uh, she broke her leg. I, uh, I have to go help her."

Raúl knew something was wrong but what was it?

Angela quickly zipped her bag. "Sorry about the short notice but I have to go." She gave him a quick kiss goodbye on the cheek. She didn't want to raise his suspicions. "I'll, um, call you when I can because, you know, I'll be busy at Maureen's."

Watching the woman he loved practically run from him, worried Raúl. Had Trigon contacted her? If he did, what did he say? Did he threaten Angela, threaten Rachel?

"Hey, Ange, wait. How are you getting there?" Angela's sister lived about four or five hours away.

"I was, uh, going to take the train."

"Let me drive you to the station. That way we can figure out your schedule."

Angela silently cursed. Why did she say she'd take the train? Of course, that was what she was going to do but she wasn't going to her sister's. Angela had planned to go so far then switch trains. She even considered flying across the country but she couldn't leave Rachel behind, not again. "That's okay. I know your busy. Don't you have that committee meeting tonight?"

"I can miss that. It doesn't matter."

"Like I said, I'm sorry for the late notice. And sorry about dinner, I'm sure there's something in the fridge."

Raúl touched Angela's elbow and she recoiled from him. "Ange, what's wrong? You're not just upset about your sister. What is it?"

"It's nothing. Nothing's wrong."

Raúl sighed. He could sense something was going on with Angela but didn't know what. "Here," He reached for the bag's handle, "at least let me carry your bags to the car."

Angela didn't want him to know how heavy the bags were. She didn't want to tip him off that she wasn't coming back. "No, I'll carry them myself."

"But …" Raúl tried to take the bag, but Angela held tight to it. Her actions confused him. "Ange? Did I do something to make you mad? I thought we were good after that night." He blushed slightly as he thought back to what they did that night. "I didn't hurt you, did I? I didn't mean to, if I did. We were kind of wild. I've never seen you like that. I mean, you started things but we were both into it, at least I thought you were. It was like we were living out some of our fantasies. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Don't worry, you didn't hurt me, but I have to go. Now." She pulled the bag's handle from his hand. Doing so, knocked the bag against the door jam. That force was enough to open the overstuffed bag. It looked like half of Angela's wardrobe was scattered on the bedroom floor.

Angela didn't know whether she should just leave it or repack. She wanted to get out of there. She had to get out of there. Seeing that photograph made Angela stop. She couldn't leave without that.

Raúl also saw the picture. He picked it up. "Is this you and Rachel? You two looked so much alike. I didn't know you had this."

Angela rolled her eyes in disbelief and grabbed for the picture, "Give me that." In the process of grabbing the photograph, Angela tripped over some clothes. Trying to keep her from falling, Raúl grabbed her elbow.

"Don't hurt me." Angela shielded herself from any blows that might come. "Please, don't hurt me. If you've ever cared for me, you'll let me go."

Raúl stared wide-eyed as his girlfriend cowering from him. He would never hurt her, especially after he knew what she'd been through. He would never hurt a woman. "Angela?"

"I'm sorry, I have to go. Please, just let me go."

"Why would you think I'd hurt you? Is this because of Trigon? Did he contact you?"

Angela shook her head, "No, I …I have to go."

"What is this all about?" She'd held her composer until her bag opened and he picked up that photograph of Angela and Rachel. What did that have to do with things? "What does this picture have to do with this?"

She glanced sideways at him, "As if you don't know?" Angela spun around to confront her boyfriend. She was tired of running. "You left it there for me to find."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've never seen this picture before."

"Right." Angela glared at him through narrowed eyes. She hurried over to some artwork hanging on the wall. "Somehow, you found it and like I said, you left it for me to find. But why? Was it your subtle way of threatening me?"

"Threaten you? I love you. Why would I do that?"

"Trigon said he loved me too and we know how that turned out. I'm not crazy and I don't need you or anyone else making me think I am." Angela took the painting off the wall and took it over to him. Removing the protective backing, she gasped. An identical photograph floated to the floor. She stared, her eyes were wide and her mouth open. How could there be two of them? She had one and Rachel had the other. Why were both of them here?

With furrowed brows and mouth still open, Angela looked at Raúl. Had she just made a huge mistake?

"Angela?" Raúl picked up both pictures. They were identical.

Running trembling hands through her hair, Angela's eyes darted around the room. Her shallow breathing gave away how panicked she was.

"Angela?"

She sank to her knees. Covering her eyes, Angela cried, "No, no, no, no, no."

Raúl cautiously knelt beside her. "Ange, what's going on?"

She pressed her fist to her forehead then ran a trembling hand through her hair. "I got it all wrong. But that's what he wanted." She seemed to forget that Raúl was still with her.

"What? Who are you talking about?" He tenderly touched her shoulder. She jumped and stared at him. She covered her mouth. Angela shook her head as tears filled her eyes. "Angela, what's wrong?"

"He's been here. He's been here." Wide-eyed, Angela looked around the room. "We can't stay here." She started gathering her clothes off the floor. She hastily stuffed them back into the bag. "He's been here."

"What? Who? Who's been here? How do you know?" Raúl was trying to understand but she wasn't making any sense. "Angela, what's going on?"

"Trigon! He's been here. He's never going to leave me alone."

"I won't let him near you. I won't let him hurt you."

Angela frantically shook her head. "You can't stop him. He's been here."

"How do you know?"

With trembling hands, she held up both pictures. "These! I have one and Rachel has the other. How else could they both be here? He had to be here!"

"Angela …"

"Rachel contacted me, I didn't but now I'm in danger. He brought this picture here to show me that he can get to me. He's sending a warning."

Raúl tenderly held Angela. "Why won't he leave you alone, after all these years?"

"He can't give up control. He craves control …and fear. He thrives on fear. He always apologized for hurting me. He promised he'd never hurt me again. In the beginning, I was so stupid, I believed him. But as the abuse got worse, I was terrified of my own husband.

I tried to get away from him and he tried to kill me. He made it look like suicide so he couldn't be blamed. He forced me to swallow a bottle of sleeping pills."

"How could he force you to do that?"

This was the first time Raúl had heard the details of what happened all those years ago. Angela had been slow to open up to him but she eventually shared some of what she'd been through. She never shared specific details but Raúl could read between the lines. He knew she'd been abused.

"Remember I mentioned that he had a gun?"

"He held a gun on you, making you take those sleeping pills?" Angela nodded as she struggled to control her crying. "That bastard! I won't let him anywhere near you."

"He also threatened to use it on Rachel." Raúl's eyes widened. Who would threaten their own daughter like that? Angela must have been tormented by the decision he forced her to make. "I didn't believe he'd really shoot his own daughter but I couldn't risk it. I had to do what he wanted. I had to do what he wanted. I'm a horrible mother. I didn't want to, I wouldn't willingly leave my daughter with that monster. But I did that in the end." Angela broke down sobbing. "I left Rachel with him."

Suddenly, Angela stopped crying. She once again stared wide-eyed at Raúl. Her eyes were filled with fear. "He's going after Rachel now. She's trying to break free and he won't let that happen. We have to find her before Trigon seriously hurts her."

Raúl held Angela as she cried. They sat on the floor with Angela's clothes scattered around them. "We will find your daughter. We'll make sure she's safe."

* * *

With furrowed brows, Rachel wondered if she should, if she could call for help. But who should she call? Should she try contacting her mother again? What would she say? Would her mother come for her? If she did call for help, what would her father do? He'd always said that he'd kill her if the secret got out. Would he really do that? Could Rachel risk it?

A car pulled into the driveway, terrifying the bruised teen. She didn't know if it was her father or Laura, but she didn't care. Rachel hurried as fast as she could back to her room. Deciding now wasn't the time to seek help, she silently cried. She knew she needed some time to heal before she went against her father. She might not only be fighting for her freedom but for her life.

* * *

 **Comments are welcome.**


	22. Chapter 22: It's All Over But The Crying

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Garbage or any lyrics**

 **Chapter 22: It's All Over But the Crying**

 **"Certain things … / …wrong" – It's All Over But The Crying, Garbage**

* * *

 **Thanks**

* * *

The next morning, Rachel heard Trigon and Laura leave. She was glad she could avoid her them, especially her father. He seemed okay with her short hair. That was, he didn't yell at her about it. Well, he hadn't even mentioned it, but she was afraid he'd flip out seeing purple hair.

Dying her hair was a reckless move. Everything that she's done with her hair lately has been impulsive. But Rachel liked her hair. She hoped she didn't end up regretting it.

She thought back to last night. While Rachel was in her room, she overheard her father and Laura arguing. Laura yelling at Rachel's father, surprised the teen. No one yelled at Trigon Roth. Rachel knew that she, herself, could never get away with that. Laura didn't sound pleased by what he'd done to his daughter.

Rachel wasn't sure if Laura was concerned and looking out for her. Or was she like Rachel's father? She didn't like how difficult he made it to keep the appearance of a normal family. Bruises on a face were hard to conceal.

Rachel didn't like hearing that Laura thought she should be sent away. Laura brought up a boarding school that was across the country. Why did Laura want to get rid of her? Before she had friends, Rachel probably would have jumped at the chance to get away. Anything to get away from her father. But now Rachel had friends and she didn't want to leave them.

Trigon argued that he needed to keep Rachel close. However, she didn't think her father wanted to keep her close because he loved her. If Trigon loved his daughter, he had a strange way of showing it. Bruises didn't equal love. Rachel was sure her needed her close so he could control her.

Trigon told Laura that she had no say in how he raised his daughter. If they got married, then she'd have some input. But until then, it was none of her business. He didn't want Rachel sent away and that was final.

That was it. Their argument was over. No more yelling. Not once did Rachel hear any sort of violence. Why was she the only one her father hurt? Not that she wanted Laura getting hurt. But …why should Rachel be hurt at all?

As Rachel continued getting ready, her mind wandered. So far she'd avoided her father and Laura. But she was sure her friends and everyone else at school would have something to say about her hair. She knew she'd just have to avoid her friends as much as possible.

Being home "sick", Rachel has had time to think about Jason. She didn't know what to do. What if what Terra said was true? What if Jason slept with Terra? If he did, was he still sleeping with her?

* * *

After school, some of Rachel's friends met in the student lounge. The place was empty except for a few students passing through so they wouldn't be bothered. They've all had a very trying day with Rachel. She's avoided them most of the day. When they were around her, her temper was short with all of them, especially with Vic. They noticed that she was acting strange, stranger than usual. It was as if she had something to hide. Concerned and frustrated, her friends tried to figure it out.

"What's wrong with Rachel?" asked Richard as he dropped his bag and pulled out a chair for Kori, then one for himself. "She seems to be angry a lot lately."

"Yeah," said Gar, propping his feet on a chair. "Rach seems like she's irritated with me."

Vic pulled the chair out from under Gar's feet and sat down. "Maybe that's because you are irritating sometimes. You don't call her that, do you?"

"What, Rach? Yeah, so. You call her Rae. Why do you get to do that but I can't call her Rach?"

"Maybe it's because I asked her? Didn't she tell you she hated that nickname?"

Gar shrugged, "Yeah, but it's easier."

Vic sighed, "Like I said, you can be irritating."

"Dude! Kori, I'm not annoying, am I?"

"You are like everyone's younger brother. However, sometimes you can be …galling."

Gar grinned at Vic. "See? Kori thinks I can be galling." A look of confusion replaced his grin. "Hey, what does galling mean anyway? Is it a form of gallant? Are you saying I'm kinda gallant?"

"Yes, you are good to your friends but you occasionally vex some at times." Kori ignored their small squabble. She sighed and propped her chin in her hands. "I think Rachel is sad. I think sometimes she looks like she wants to cry."

"That's might be," said Vic, "But she kept snapping at me today, all week actually. I don't ever know what I did. The only thing I can think of is I asked her to hang out with us. Because ever since then, she's been ticked off with me. Why would that make her mad? I'd get it if we'd purposely left her out, but we didn't."

* * *

While her friends discussed her, Rachel was distracted as she walked down the hall. She had Jason on her mind. She hadn't seen him all day. That didn't bother her. She was kind of relieved. She didn't know what to do. If she decided to break up with him, she didn't know how to do that. Jason was her first boyfriend. There were a lot of firsts with Jason.

"Rachel, hey, wait up." Rachel's shoulders dropped, it was Jason. When he caught up with her, he asked, "Have any plans for later tonight? Thought we could see that new movie."

"No." That was all Rachel said.

Jason didn't know what she meant. Was it no, she didn't have plans? Or was it no, she didn't want to see the movie? "Um …?"

Rachel stopped and glared at him. "Why'd you do it? Why'd you sleep with her?"

Jason's face paled. "What?"

"Why did you sleep with her?"

"You mean, Terra?"

It was Rachel's turn to become pale. She stared at him with wide eyes. "It's true? She wasn't lying." Rachel looked around the hall. Lucky for them, they were the only ones there. It was true. Jason, her boyfriend, had slept with Terra. She stared at him in disbelief.

Jason reached out to touch Rachel's shoulder. He needed to explain, if she gave him a chance. He needed her to understand. "Rachel, I …"

Rachel's confused expression quickly changed. Scowling, her eyes darkened with anger. She pulled away from his reach. "How could you!"

"Rachel, please, let me explain."

"What's there to explain? You slept with Terra. Or am I wrong? Did I get things mixed up?"

Jason dropped his hand to his side. Guilty, he bowed his head. "No," he said softly, "you didn't get it wrong. I did sleep with her. But we weren't together when I did that. Remember when you pushed me away?"

"So this is my fault? I pushed you away so you had no choice but to sleep with that bitch?"

"Rachel, come on, that's not what I said."

"You were my first boyfriend, I thought you cared about me."

"I do care about you."

"Then why'd you do it?" Tears threatened to surface but Rachel pushed them down. She refused to cry. "I pushed you away because I thought we were going too fast. I didn't think I was ready to sleep with you. Was that why you went to Terra? I wouldn't put out but you knew she would."

"It wasn't like that. It just happened. It was an accident. I didn't mean to do that. It didn't mean anything. It didn't mean anything for either of us. There were no feelings between us. It was just sex."

"Just sex? That sounds so stupid. You didn't simply give her a ride home because her car broke down, you slept with her. Are you still following around with her?"

"No. It was just that one time. Like I said, it was an accident, a mistake."

"When? When did you two do?"

"Rachel …"

"Tell me. When did it happen?"

Jason sighed. He hated hurting her like this. "Um, it, uh, it was the night of that party. I saw you go off with Eric Forester. I knew he was known for getting girls in his bed. Guess, I assumed if you'd moved on and were sleeping with someone else, then why shouldn't I?"

Rachel remembered that night. "I didn't have sex with him. I was drunk and some of what we did felt good, but I didn't want to sleep with him. You know I wasn't ready for that. Actually, I was scared that night. He wasn't taking no for my answer to having sex. I was scared he was going to force me but I got away from him before he could hurt me."

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me about that?"

"Like you said, I'd pushed you way. I didn't know, maybe we'd broken up. Remember, you're my first boyfriend. I didn't know how things worked. There didn't seem to be a reason for me to tell you. It was over, I handled it. I wasn't hurt, just scared."

Jason reached out to hug her. Reluctantly, Rachel went to him. Jason protectively and caringly wrapped his arms around his girlfriend. He hated that she was hurting and confused.

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I'm glad you weren't hurt by him. And I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you with the mistake I made. I felt so bad about what we did. I hate myself for being so impulsive and reckless. Please, don't let my stupid mistake ruin things for us. I care for you. I hate that I've hurt you. "

Thousands of thoughts ran through Rachel's mind. She was so confused. She was so angry with him but she cared so much for him. She didn't want to break up with Jason. She wished things could go back to the way it was. It felt so right being in his arms. Maybe she should give him another chance?

Without warning, Rachel pushed Jason back. Her eyes ablaze with rage. Her whole body shook with anger. Jason had never seen her so angry. She wasn't even this angry a few moments ago.

"That night in Hamilton, you'd already been with Terra, right?" She snarled. "That's why you couldn't or wouldn't be with me? I opened my heart and soul to you. I told you everything about my mom. I told you things I've never told anyone else. I stupidly thought if I'd been that open with you about that stuff, then I could open myself, my body to you. I decided I was ready. I wanted to make love to you."

Rachel laughed but her laugh wasn't her normal lyrical laugh. Her laugh was bleak and sinister. "Did you compare us? Did you compare our bodies, what we did, however we did it? I'm assuming you weren't Terra's first, so she knew how to do things. I'm sure Terra was able to give you a wild night, unlike me. I didn't know what I was doing. I'd never kissed a guy before this year. You must have thought I was ridiculous, I practically threw myself at you.

Angry tears fell down Rachel's face but she didn't care. "I was so naïve about everything. I thought I was supposed to open my heart, soul and body to you. I was giving you my body. I thought that's what you wanted. I thought you wanted me?"

"I did, I still do." Jason hated that he made her cry.

"But you just couldn't bring yourself to sleep with me. Wasn't I good enough for you?"

"That's not how it was. You were, are too good for me. Don't you see? I couldn't be with you because I felt guilty for being with Terra. I didn't know that until I had to stop. I did want you.

"I knew it was going to be your first time. And I wanted it to be special. I didn't want your first time tainted with my guilt. And as far as you being inexperienced, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't have thought that you were a virgin. You were and are so hot."

"You must have had a good laugh about that night. Did you go and tell Terra about that? She must have enjoyed hearing about me being so stupid and foolish."

Jason slammed his hand against a locker. Rachel flinched. She'd never seen him so angry. She took a step back. He wouldn't hurt her, would he?

"Damn it, Rachel! It wasn't like that and you know it. What I did with Terra was stupid and careless. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was so stupid but you have to know, I didn't hurt you on purpose."

"So, it was all a huge, stupid misunderstanding? I'm just supposed to forget about all this shit? I'm supposed to forget about you screwing Terra? Well, forget that. Screw you. We're done."

"Rachel?"

"We're done. I don't want to see you anymore. So your free to go screw with any girl you want. Hell, sleep with every girl in school for all I care. But you won't be with me. You had that chance."

"Rachel? Rachel!"

She ignored him as she walked down the hall. Again, she heard him slam his hand angrily against the lockers. She didn't care that he was angry and hurting. So was she.

* * *

Kori absentmindedly pulled her hair over her shoulder and began playing with it. "She cut her beautiful hair and dyed it. It is pretty but I do not understand why she did that. Maybe she regrets doing that? Perhaps she is mad at herself?"

"I don't know, all she ever says is she needed a change."

Gar agreed with Kori's guess. "Maybe she got in trouble for doing that? I know I'm not in the best mood after my parents get mad at me."

Richard said, "That's true but that doesn't explain her brooding every few weeks."

"Maybe it's PMS?" suggested Gar as he started to set his feet on Vic's chair again.

"Gar," Vic shoved Gar's feet off the chair again, "this is serious."

"So am I. Maybe that's why she gets upset so easily?" Gar looked to Kori. He hoped she'd confirm his suspicions. "Could I be right?"

She shrugged "Possibly, but Rachel's moodiness seems to be unpredictable. I am afraid it is something worse. I am fearful Rachel might be sick."

"She had food poisoning or something. She missed school because of that but I don't think she's had a problem like that before."

Kori looked very upset. "Our friend could be ill. That would explain why she is so easily upset. I know when I am under the weather I can be irritable. Perhaps that explains things?"

The guys thought it over. That was a plausible reason. Vic said, "I dunno, Kor, has she mentioned anything to you about that?"

She shook her head. "No, but her mom got sick and died before Rachel moved here."

Richard wondered, "Do you know what happened to her mom?"

Again, she shook her head. "No, she has only talked about her mom once with me. Do any of you know what happened before Rachel moved to Jump City?"

The three guys thought a moment before shaking their heads. The four sat in silence as they tried to figure out what was going on with their friend.

Richard saw someone who might have some answers. He called out, "Hey Jason, you got a minute?"

Jason sighed as he went over to them. He didn't look like he was in a good mood. He snapped, "What do you want?"

"Calm down, we just wanted to know what's going on with Rachel?"

He grumbled, "I don't know what you're talking about but I guess she's not my problem anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"She just broke up with me."

Kori said, "Oh no, oh I am so sorry."

"Yeah man, that's too bad," said Vic. "If you don't mind me askin', what happened?"

Jason sighed and shrugged. "Guess things just didn't work out for us." He didn't want to tell them the reason for their breakup.

"Sorry about that. Thought you two were happy."

"So did I. Guess I was wrong." Jason sighed again. "What this about Rachel? What did you want to know? Not sure, I can be much help. She seems to be going through something but I don't know what. Like her hair, I like it, but I'd never guess her to do something like that."

Richard said, "That's kind of what we're trying to figure out. Rachel works with your mom, right?"

"Yeah, my mom actually helped her get that job. Why?"

"Well, I was just wondering if your mom ever mentioned how Rachel's doing."

Jason shrugged his shoulders and rolled his eyes. He didn't want to talk about the girl who just broke up with him. "I don't know. What do you want to know? How long it took her to go through training? I'm really not in the mood for all of this." He got up to leave.

Kori said, "Wait, we are just worried about her." Jason stopped to listen. "She is so easily agitated lately. We were hoping you might have some answers. After what happened today, we understand if you do not wish to help us."

Jason set his backpack down and took his seat again. "I think mom might've mentioned something. A few weeks ago, mom came home worried about Rachel. She said Rachel was very jittery or jumpy. Mom noticed she kept looking at the door like she was expecting someone."

"Do you know who she was waiting for?"

Jason said, "No, but mom got the feeling that Rachel was afraid or dreading something. Nobody unusual came in and when mom asked her at the end of her shift if anything was wrong. Mom said Rachel just shrugged it off and said she didn't get enough sleep."

Richard said, "That's the answer she gave me one time when I asked her what was going on."

"Since when does not getting enough sleep make you afraid?" wondered Gar.

Kori suggested, "Maybe she has insomnia? I read something that if you miss a certain amount of sleep you can be a little paranoid or something."

"Do you know if Rachel has any problems at work? Does she have any problems with a co-worker?" asked Richard.

"The times I went in while she was working, things seemed alright. Mom said Rachel's good with the customers even though she's quiet and kinda shy. Mom said Rachel's some of the regular customer's favorite."

"Even though Rachel is still quiet she has opened up to us. It took her awhile but I am joyful that she finally trusts us. One night she came over to my house and we shared in girl talk. When we first met her, she would never have done something like that."

Vic chuckled, "Getting that girl to share anything was like pulling teeth. Sometimes when you asked her something she'd give a quick answer then clam up."

Gar said, "Yeah, I remember a time soon after she joined our group. She wasn't at lunch so I went to find her.

"I found her sitting on the floor outside the art room. I wasn't surprised to find her reading. I watched her reading for a moment before I asked her what she was reading.

"Without looking up she was like, 'You don't want to know.'

"I sat down next to her. I was like, 'Sure I do.' She stopped reading and looked at me. She had a curious or questioning look on her face. I asked again, 'Whatcha reading?'

"She studied the cover of her book before she answered something like, 'No one has ever asked me that.'

"And I was like, 'Well, I'm askin'. Are ya gonna tell me or do I hav'ta read it to find out?'

"Rae gave me an annoyed look and was like, 'You wouldn't like it.'

"I was like, 'Ooo, is it a romance novel?' She flatly said no. I was afraid Rae was gonna go back to ignoring me. But soon she started talkin' again. She was telling me about the book. Something about a girl fleeing a war, being in a foreign country that doesn't want her, or trying not to get sent back, I dunno.

"I laughed and was like, 'Whoa, you don't read simple stories, you like things complex.'

"Rae let out a deep sigh and was like, 'It makes you think, that maybe your life isn't as bad as you thought it was. Or that it may be bad but it could be worse.' Something like that.

"I didn't know what she was talking about. Was it the girl in the book or herself?

"At the time I thought she was talkin' about being bullied cuz of her weirdness. I remembered thinking: now that she has friends, maybe the bullying would stop. We continued to talk. I told her how I thought it was cool how she helped calm down a lost kid at the store the day before. She tried to blow it off.

"She was like, 'His crying was getting on my nerves.'

"I was like, 'Yeah, but you helped, that's what was so cool. A lot of people don't help strangers.'

"She closed her eyes and said softly, 'I know what it's like to lose your mom. I know what it's like to be so scared and being willing to give anything to have her back.'

"I didn't know what she was talkin' about. I knew if I asked her about it, she might just clam up. But I was curious, so I asked her.

"Rae was like, 'I lost my mom a few years ago. It's just me and dad now.' She seemed to be surprised she's telling me this. I said I was sorry her mom died. She was quiet after that but I guess that's cuz she was sad."

Jason said, "Uh, Rachel's mom um, she didn't die."

"WHAT!" shouted all four friends. They couldn't believe what they just heard.

"What do you mean her mom didn't die?"

"That was what Rachel said."

Jason said, "Think about it, she never actually said her mom died. Rachel always said something like her mom was gone or that she lost her mom."

Rachel's friends thought about what Jason just said. He was right. They never heard her say her mother died. They're all bewildered. They didn't understand. Richard asked the questions running through all of their minds. "Why would she do that? Why would she lie about something like that?"

Jason explained a little about their trip to Hamilton. He didn't tell them much, just the basics.

They're all surprised by what Jason said. Richard was still a little upset. "So, her mom was mentally ill and in a hospital in Hamilton? Why didn't she trust us enough to tell us? I mean, I understand why she didn't tell us right away. She'd just joined our group and like Vic said she was slow to share anything. But didn't she see that trust is an important part of friendship?"

Jason shrugged, "It's complicated. She's complicated. Rachel didn't really say anything to me until we were in Hamilton. I was her boyfriend; you'd think she'd at least tell me."

"I still don't understand why she wouldn't make things clear. Especially after finding out that Vic lost his mom and Kori and I lost both of our parents. Didn't she trust us?"

Jason frowned, "It's not entirely her fault. We all just assumed she meant her mom died before Rachel came to Jump City. As far as the trust thing, Rachel has trust issues. Back in Hamilton, a girl who she thought was her best friend spread lies and rumors about Rachel and her family."

"That must have been horrible." Kori placed her hand on top of Richard's hand. "Do not be too hard on our friend. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her to leave behind her mother. Remember, you had trouble trusting anyone after your parents were died. You did not even trust Bruce, who took you in."

"That's just it, they did die. I can't get them back. I can't ever see them again but she can. Rachel has a chance to see her mom again." Richard sighed, "I'm sorry. I'm not mad at her, I'm just …I don't know …disappointed, frustrated. I thought we were all friends. I thought finally she trusted us. Guess we were wrong. I can't imagine how you felt learning all this, Jason."

Again, Jason shrugged. "Yeah, I would've liked it if she'd trusted me enough to tell me this in the beginning. I'm just glad she was able to tell me eventually."

Gar said, "Well, at least Rachel has her dad."

Kori shook her head. "I do not like our friend's father. I think he is a hothead."

"Yeah, I agree with Kori. I don't think Gar and Richard met him. Man, does he have a temper. I was really scared for Rachel when he came to get her from my house."

"I never met him," said Richard, "but I've heard he can be a tyrant in business. He doesn't give a second thought to shutting down a business he's acquired."

Jason said, "Maybe it was my imagination but sometimes she seemed to be afraid of him. I kinda got the impression they argued a lot."

"I know me and my old man get into it a lot. I wonder if it's something like that."

Gar said, "Hey, remember when I found that notebook. I was flipping through when you came up behind me, Vic. Dude, you scared me."

"What are you talking about?" Vic thought a moment. "Oh yeah, I remember now. I asked you whatcha were doing? You said found a notebook and thought it could be Rae's and just wanted to check out if it was. I didn't think it was a good idea and told you so. I didn't think she would like us looking through it."

Gar said, "We're just peeking at it, not reading every word. Don't tell me you weren't curious. She'd recently became our friend and we still didn't know much about her. I thought we might find out something about Rae."

"I didn't like the idea of snoopin' through her stuff. We didn't know much about her but we knew she had a temper."

Gar said, "Yeah but you stayed. We read a section that was a few years old. It's before Rae moved to Jump City. I think she was still in junior high. She's excited about the possibility of getting a dog or cat. I was stunned. I didn't think Rachel was ever that happy or excited. She's always so serious. I don't think I've ever seen her smile let alone be happy."

"Just because she doesn't laugh at your stupid jokes doesn't mean she's not happy," said Vic. "We flipped a few pages. The next section wasn't as old as the first one we read but it's still before Jump City. Rae seemed to feel like she's to blame for losing her mom. She wrote something like, 'If I hadn't been born she would still be here. I kept causing problems, causing her stress.' We were surprised by Rae's sadness. But I get it." Kori and Richard both sadly nodded their heads. They understood.

"I flipped through some more pages. Now Rae's in Jump City. I think it might be before we're friends, but I dunno. She wrote 'He was drunk again. I won't let him hurt me. I can't, I won't believe what he says. He's still hurt and angry about mom. He still blames me. I can't let him hurt me anymore.' I was shocked. How could her dad blame her for something like that? How could she believe it?"

Vic frowned, "It doesn't make sense but it's true. My dad and I blame each other and ourselves for mom's accident."

"Vic, you did not cause your mother's tragic accident. It was just that, an accident. Do away with the blame. It was nobody's fault."

"Thanks, Kor, I know, but you understand, right? You've had all the what-ifs running through your head. What if she'd gone on the errand earlier or later? What if I'd run the errand instead? What if I didn't say that thing that made her cry or break her favorite vase? What if I'd tried harder to make her happy instead of gettin' into trouble? I know it doesn't change anything but the what-ifs are often there, haunting you. It helps having friends and sports to keep me occupied. I can't imagine what it be like to be alone with the what-ifs."

Gar said, "Well, I'm surprised by all the different sides of Rae, but I guess that kinda explains why she's grumpy a lot."

"I'm not," said Vic, "Rae's a private person. She keeps things to herself but she seems pretty complicated."

"Um, did Rachel ever find out you had her journal?"

"Yeah, she did." Vic rubbed his head sheepishly, "We were talkin' about her when she suddenly came up behind us. She was fuming.

Gar laughed nervously, "I don't think I've ever seen her that mad. I held the journal out to her and said we thought it was hers. She snatched it quickly. Rae was so angry. She said we shouldn't read it."

Vic said, "I was like 'We didn't read much, just a few pages.' She was like, 'You shouldn't be reading any of it. It's private!' I think Rae actually had tears in her eyes. I hated that we made her so upset"

After a few minutes, Gar said, "What do you think she means about her dad is hurting her? You don't think her dad hits her, do you?" He looked around the table, everyone looked concerned.

Vic shook his head, "Man, I don't know. I'd hate to think she's getting hurt at home. It's bad enough she was bullied here at school. Maybe it's like me and my old man, we yell a lot but it's never come to blows."

Jason's worried, "I don't know, sometimes she seems scared."

"What is she scared about?"

"Sometimes Rachel seemed scared to go out on a date. Other times she seemed to dread going home."

"How often did that happen?"

"It kinda happened more often recently. Sometimes I got the feeling that she was afraid of her dad. I mean I kinda get it, the guy's kinda intimidating."

"But that doesn't mean her dad hits her," said Gar, "Maybe she was avoiding her homework. I know sometimes I try to."

Vic nudged Gar's backpack with his foot. "Ha, your grades prove that."

Richard had a thought running through his mind. He didn't like the path his thoughts were taking him. "Has anyone ever seen Rachel without long sleeves?"

After thinking a moment Kori said, "At the dance she had a dress without sleeves. Oh, and there was that time in the locker room."

Richard asked, "Anybody know of any other time?"

Gar and Vic shook their heads.

Jason said, "That night in Hamilton, we, um, we were, uh … I saw her without sleeves." He blushed slightly, remembering how little Rachel had on that night. "But usually when we were making out she didn't let me see much skin."

Vic protectively said, "You better not have pressured her into doing more than she wanted."

Jason held up his hands defensively, "Hey, man, I never pressured her to do anything. Sometimes, she started things but I always stopped when she said to stop."

"Richard, what are you thinking?"

He sighed, "Rachel's always wearing long sleeves, right?" He hated voicing this thought. "Maybe it's to cover bruises. He doesn't have to hit her to hurt her. Maybe he grabs her roughly."

Vic saw where his friend was going. "Yeah, he's so large and Rae's so small, it wouldn't take much to do some damage. Like if I'd grab Kori's arm. I probably wouldn't have to use much force to leave a bruise."

"Just cuz her dad's kinda harsh doesn't mean Rae's abused." Gar didn't want to believe his friend was getting hurt.

"It's more than just that. He's very intimidating. Remember when she broke her arm?"

"That was cuz of a car accident."

Vic explained, "Rae was at my house. She was having dinner with my family and me. We were all having a good time when someone comes pounding on the door yelling for Rae. He acted more like a jealous boyfriend than like a worried father. It was like Rae belonged to him and he didn't want anyone else around her."

"But that doesn't …"

"Imagine if someone as large as me was threatening someone as small as Rae. You'd be worried too. But Rae said she was fine and not to worry. I tell you, I was very worried for her. When she came to school with a broken arm, my first thought was he did that to her. I wanted to tear him to pieces for hurting her."

"So he was kinda menacing. He must've just been worried about her."

Kori shook her head. "He was not worried about her when I was at her house a few months ago. He came home and yelled mean, horrible things to her. Things a father would not say in front of his daughter let alone to his daughter."

"What'd he say?"

"He called her a liar and he called her a …" Kori leaned forward and whispered, "He called Rachel a, a …bitch. That was just too mean and terrible. I could tell she was embarrassed and a little scared so I did not say anything right away. Later at the library, I noticed Rachel had a bruise. I did ask her about that. She had a reason; it was because of something she did. Could it be that she has excuses to hide something?"

Jason asked, "What are we gonna do? It sounds like Rachel might be abused."

They're tossing around some ideas when Gar saw Terra go by. He hadn't seen her lately so went to see what she's been up to. Gar followed Terra out into the rain. "Terra, where you going? Why didn't you come over and say hi?"

"You seemed to be talking about something important. I didn't want to bother you."

"We're trying to figure out what to do for Rachel."

Terra rolled her eyes, "She doesn't need my help. I'm sorry, Gar, I just don't like her and I don't think she likes me."

"We don't have to worry about that now. What if her dad's hurting her? We have to find some way to help her."

Terra scoffed, "At least her dad pays attention to her."

Her attitude shocked him. "Terra!"

"I'm sorry she has a shitty life. Maybe I've had a hard life too. My parents don't even know I exist. I could drop off the face of the earth and they wouldn't care."

"That's not true."

Terra's tears mixed with the rain. "They're too busy with their own lives. They never wanted a kid. They don't care."

A dark car pulled up. "Terra," said a male voice, "we should be going."

Trying to control her tears, Terra said, "Give me a few minutes, please Slade."

"Very well. You've five minutes." He put up the window.

Gar looked back and forth between Terra and Slade. "Terra, are you dating him?"

"So? It's not a big deal."

Gar was hit with a realization. He hissed, "Are you sleeping with him?"

"So? What if I am? He makes me feel wanted and loved. He makes me feel beautiful."

"He's old enough to be your dad."

Terra shrugged, "I don't expect you to understand. What should it matter as long as I'm happy? He makes me happy." Seeing Gar frown she took his hand. "I like you Gar, I really do. I just don't wanna mess up our friendship. If we'd hooked up, things would've changed. I hate to think you're disappointed in me but I need to do what I need to do." She gave him a hug and whispered, "I love you, Gar."

He returned the hug. "I love you too. I just want you to be happy."

Slade called out for Terra. She told him she was coming. To Gar, Terra said , "I am, I am happy." She gave him a quick squeeze before running to the car.

Gar sadly watched the car drive away. He went back inside and shook some of the rain off his hair. Now he had two friends to worry about.

When Gar returned to the table, Vic noticed he looked a little depressed. Vic questioned him about it. "What's up with Terra?"

Gar shook his head, "What're we gonna do about Rachel?"

Richard said, "We think her dad's abusing her but we need more than just suspicions. We need something more or some sort of proof before we can tell anyone. Rachel needs help but I think she's too afraid to do it herself. Let's keep looking for any signs or clues of any abuse. I hope we're wrong. If we need to, maybe we can confront Rachel." He checked his watch. "It's getting late we should probably go. Anyone need a ride?"

The friends left the school with heavy hearts. Like Richard said, they hoped they were wrong but they had a feeling that they weren't.

* * *

Rachel thought she was a terrible friend. She kept snapping at all her friends. She was taking her anger out on them, especially Vic. Rachel knew everything that happened to her wasn't their fault. She knew she wasn't beaten because Vic had asked her to join them.

She was just so angry and it felt better yelling at someone. Since Rachel couldn't yell at her father without getting hurt again, she took most of her frustrations out on Vic. She was sorry about that and hoped he'd understand even though he could never know why she was angry.

Rachel continued home alone when it started to rain. The weather matched her mood. Her hoodie did little to protect her from the rain. She didn't care.

Rachel felt awful breaking up with Jason. She couldn't trust him, not after what he did with Terra. Breaking up with Jason was hard but probably was for the best. Besides, things were getting worse at home. Rachel couldn't risk it. She couldn't risk him seeing something, injuries. He might figure out what's happening to her.

She always thought that Jason would break up with her. Rachel was sure he'd get bored with her and search for someone new. In a way, wasn't that what he did? Only he didn't break up with Rachel first. She wiped her eyes. Even though she broke up with Jason, it still hurt. It hurt a lot.

Trigon was surprised Rachel was home when she entered the door. "I thought you said you had plans." Even though she was trying to hide it, Rachel looked like she wanted to cry. Seeing how upset his daughter looked, he asked "What's wrong?"

Rachel blinked rapidly, trying to suppress her tears. "Nothing."

"Something's wrong. What is it? What happened?"

Frowning she said, "Jason and I broke up."

Trigon was glad, he didn't like Jason but Rachel looked so miserable, standing there in her rain drenched clothes. He did feel sorry for her. He held his arms out to her. "I'm sorry. Come here."

Rachel was taken aback. About week ago, he'd beaten her and now he was offering her a hug. She wanted nothing more than to have her father comfort her but she was hesitant. She was afraid, angry and confused. She shook her head, "I'm drenched; I'll get your clothes wet."

"It's okay, they'll dry." Rachel timidly went over to her father. He wrapped his arms around her.

Standing awkward and tense in her father's arms, Rachel closed her eyes. This was how it should be, a father comforting his daughter instead of injuring her.

Rachel remembered when she was a little girl. Everything was good. It was before a lot of the yelling and fighting had started. She remembered how Trigon comforted her after she woke up from a nightmare. Why wasn't it like that anymore? Why did he have to hurt her so much?

Tears formed in Rachel's eyes and she couldn't stop them from falling. She knew how much her father hated her to cry. It wasn't because he didn't want her to be sad. It was because to him, tears were a sign of weakness. While trying to stop crying, Rachel said, "I'm sorry."

Trigon held her tighter. "It's okay; I know how much you must be hurting. Go ahead let it all out. It's okay to cry. It'll be okay, Rachie."

Rachel froze. Did he just call her by her old nickname? It was his name for her. She'd always felt safe and comforted when he called her that. That was back when she didn't question her parents' love for her. She was surprised he remembered.

"You'll be okay, Rachie."

Rachel didn't want to but she broke down in a new wave of tears. It wasn't so much that she was crying about Jason. It was more about what she missed from her childhood.

As he held and consoled his daughter, something Trigon hadn't done in years, he stroked her wet hair. He noticed something. Was her hair purple? When did she do that? He wondered if he should yell at her for dying her hair but he thought she was going through enough right then. Besides, Trigon knew how much Rachel hated getting emotional. He grinned as he looked down at his weeping daughter. She must have been in agony.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Please review or comment.**


	23. Chapter 23 Scream

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, Thousand Foot Krutch or any lyrics**

* * *

 **Chapter 23: Scream**

* * *

 **"You make me …/ …choice …our own" – Scream, Thousand Foot Krutch**

* * *

A few days later, nobody at school was talking about Rachel's hair. There was something new to talk about, make that someone new. Malcolm Drake was a senior and new to JCH. That was one thing that had people talking. Seniors didn't usually transfer to a new school, at least not about half way through the school year. However, Malcolm was used to that; he was an army brat. His father recently transferred to Jump City.

Malcolm was used to starting again in new places. Not that he liked it, but he was used to it. Another thing he was familiar with was the stares. When he came to a new place, people tended to stare at him because of his looks. It wasn't that he was ugly. It was quite the opposite. With nearly platinum blond hair and intense blue eyes, everyone looked his direction. His dragon tattoos and piercings also gave people another reason to look. The students usually didn't have a problem with them. The adults typically thought they were distasteful. Whether anyone liked them or not, it didn't bother Malcolm.

It didn't take Malcolm long time become one of the more popular kids at school. He was smart, athletic and liked to party. Somehow, he fit in with most of the groups. Most of the guys liked him. They thought he was cool because he had a motorcycle and often rode it to school. The girls, most of them, fawned over him, especially after they heard his accent since Malcolm spent his formative years in England, he had a slight British accent. Even the so-called nerds liked Malcolm.

There was one girl who wasn't practically tripping over herself to get near Malcolm, that was Rachel. He was her new neighborhood so she could see him whenever she wanted to, which wasn't often. She thought he came across as arrogant. She was tired of hearing how great he was. She admitted he was good looking and nice but she'd decided to take a break from boys. She still hurt from breaking up with Jason. Besides, Rachel didn't think Malcolm looked at her in any romantic way. He always called her "kid" when he saw her.

Rachel remained quiet around her friends. She was still upset about Jason and avoided him as much as possible. That wasn't too hard since they didn't have any classes together. However, there were a few times in the hallway that things were more than a little awkward.

On the way to class, Rachel and Jinni saw Malcolm standing in the center of a crowd. Rachel rolled her eyes. "You'd think he was a rock star or something. He hasn't even been here a week and he's already being mobbed by fans."

"Be honest, you think he's cute."

"Yeah, so, that doesn't mean anything."

"He's your neighbor, right? You should go out with him."

"Yeah, right, like someone who's popular on day one would go out with someone like me."

"Rachel …"

"It's okay, Jinni. I didn't mean it like that. I just broke up with Jason. I'm not ready to go out with anyone. Besides, I think Malcolm sees me as a little kid or something. That'd just be too weird."

* * *

Rachel wondered if it was her imagination but every time she went up to her friends, they stopped talking. They gave her a strange look then started chatting about school. That was impossible. Nothing's changed except she broke up with Jason. She didn't understand why that would make her friends act weird around her. They liked Jason but it wasn't like any of them were close friends with him.

What Rachel didn't know was her friends were looking for proof about her father abusing her. They tried asking some of her teachers if they knew if anything was wrong when it came to Rachel. They didn't have much luck with that plan. It turned out Rachel hardly ever talked to her teachers. One didn't even realize Rachel was in his class, but that teacher was absentminded so they didn't bother with him.

Richard wished he could see her school file. He didn't know what he was looking for but he had a feeling there'd be a clue there. Vic thought he should be able to hack into the school's computer if given the chance. Gar and Kori would cause a distraction with her singing that was often confused with crying while Richard and Vic snuck into the school office. They figured out all parts of their plan. They'd do it after school.

Once everyone left the office to see about the commotion by the stairway, the two guys slipped to the first computer they find. It didn't take long for Vic to find Rachel's file. They quickly noticed there were many excused and unexcused absences as well as a note about her skipping gym class. They already knew that. They weren't finding anything new.

Just before Vic closed the screen, Richard saw a note highlighted. Vic opened it. It mentioned that Rachel could have a problem with cutting. The guys glanced at one another concerned; that was new to them. Rachel's guidance counselor, Mrs. Rogers wrote, " _I'm worried about Rachel and want to watch her. I'm not sure if things happened the way Rachel said they did._ " Mrs. Rogers also noted that she noticed a lot of tension between Rachel and her father. " _I got the feeling that Rachel was afraid of her father. Sometimes I thought I catch a glimpse of fear in her eyes. Rachel quickly hid that. Any attempts to get Rachel to open up about the way things are at home have failed._ "

Vic quickly closed all of Rachel's files. They didn't want anyone to know that someone had been on the computer. Richard and Vic hurried to meet the others. They had to tell them what they'd learned.

* * *

"Jump City Police Department, how may I help you?"

"Yes, um, I'd, uh, I'd like to report something."

"Alright, ma'am, what is it?"

"I, uh, I think somebody's being abused."

"Who is it and what are the reasons for your suspicions?"

"Um, uh, it's a teenaged girl, Rachel Roth. I saw her at school and, um, I, uh, saw her with a black eye. She tried to hide it behind sunglasses, but I know what I saw. I think her father, Trigon Roth is abusing her."

"You saw his daughter with a black eye? Ma'am, was there anything else? Did you witness him hurting his daughter?"

"No, but, uh, a few months ago, I was in the hospital and they came in. She had a broken arm. I'm sure Trigon Roth is abusing his daughter."

"Ma'am, could I get your na…" The officer heard a dial tone. The woman hung up so he couldn't get her name. Not knowing whether the accusations were true or not, they would have to do some investigating. They'd need to bring this Roth guy down to the station for questioning.

In a rest stop near Collinsville, a woman went into the lady's room. After checking the stalls to be sure she was alone, the woman pealed off her blonde wig. She dropped the wig into the trash. She wouldn't need that anymore. She also dropped a temporary phone in the trash.

The woman smiled at her reflection as she fluffed out her short dark hair. She'd gotten things started. She didn't think the police could ignore what she'd told them. Trigon might be a powerful man but he was no match for her. He wasn't as deceptively cunning as she was. " _Mon cher,_ Trigon, you think you're in control but sadly, you are not."

* * *

Rachel's friends decided they needed to talk to her. They came up with another plan, Kori would call Rachel over to Vic's house. They would kind of have an intervention with her. They understood Rachel would be angry but they hoped she'd realize they were looking out for her.

As Rachel walked up to Vic's front door, she was curious. What was this about? The past few days, she felt like they've been talking about her. Walking over to his house, she tried to figure it out. She had no idea what was going on with her friends.

When she saw Jason was there, she knew they were up to something. What was he doing here? None of her friends were close friends with Jason so what was up them? "What's he doing here?" She furrowed her brow. "What's going on?"

"Rachel, we know you have a problem and we're here to help you."

Confused, Rachel looked around the room at her friends. "I didn't do great on my biology test but that's because I didn't have all my notes. I'll just have to study some more but it's not that serious." Rachel's phone rang but she didn't recognize the number so she ignored it.

"This isn't about school. We know you're having problems with you're dad."

Rachel was surprised. They didn't do what terrified her most. They didn't figure out her secret, did they? She tried to laugh it off. "I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, my dad doesn't really like the music I listen to but that's not really a problem. Haven't teenagers and parents been having that argument since the beginning of music?"

"Rachel …"

"Thanks for this chat but I really should go. You know, that studying thing. I have to do better on the next test." Rachel struggled to suppress the avalanche of emotions she was feeling: fear, hope, relief, dread, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, shame, and frustration. She tried to keep her calm façade. She couldn't let on what she was feeling. She couldn't let them know anything was wrong.

What Rachel didn't know was her friends could see several emotions come across her face. Mostly, they thought she looked scared. If their hunch was right, then they understood why she'd be afraid.

Rachel struggled to keep her voice even, "I have to go now." Her phone rang again. It was the same unknown number. She didn't have time for that. She needed to get out of there before they figured out things. Ignoring her phone, Rachel headed for the door.

"Rachel, wait," Kori put her hand on her friend's shoulder when she stopped. Rachel quickly shrugged off her hand but stood still. "We just want to help you."

"Why? I don't need help."

"We have noticed that you have been acting peculiar lately. We are worried about you." Kori's eyes were filled with concern for her friend. She hated it when anyone was hurting. Kori hoped they weren't right about what was happening to Rachel.

"Don't. I don't need you to worry about me. In fact, none of you need to worry about me."

Kori's green eyes went from concern to hurt and confusion. Why was her friend taking her anger out on her, on them?

Seeing Kori's painful and confused expression, Richard stepped between the two girls. "You don't have to snap at her. She's just trying to help you, we all are."

Rachel hated upsetting her friend but she couldn't let them know her secret. Briefly hurt their feelings was better than anyone figuring out that she's been abused. "I know." She sighed. "I'm sorry, Kori, but I don't need any help. Nothing is wrong."

Rachel's phone rang again, the same number. What was going on? Who was trying to call her? If it was so important, why didn't hey leave a message? If it wasn't important, then why wouldn't they leave her alone?

Richard waited for Rachel's phone to stop ringing. "We can all tell something's going on with you. Some days, you seem to be in pain." He waited a second before continuing, "At first, I thought Jason might've been hurting you, uh, you know, hitting you."

The purple haired teen's eyes grew large with shock then narrowed with disbelief. Was that that they all thought? Was that why Jason was here? They were going to confront him? But something about that didn't seem right. They weren't going against him. Jason seemed to be siding with them.

"You thought Jason was hurting me? Do you really think I'd stay with a guy who hit me? Don't you think I'd stand up for myself? You really think I'd allow something like that to happen?" Rachel realized how odd it was for her to say that. She knew she should do something to stop her father but she was too afraid. Fear kept her from turning in her father. Fear of what he'd do to her and the fear of not being believed. Rachel wondered if she would actually differently if a boyfriend hit her instead of her father. Would she have put up with the abuse as long as she has?

"C'mon, Rae," Vic interrupted her thoughts, "something's wrong."

She glared at Vic. "It's none of your business." Scared, Rachel practically snarled at her friends.

"Like Richard said, we know you've been going through something. Please tell us. Let us help."

"It's nothing. There's nothing to tell." Rachel's phone rang again. She continued to ignore it.

After a few minutes, Richard angrily sighed and said, "Why did you lie about your mom dying?"

Rachel glared at Jason. "You told them? Did you do that because I broke up with you? Is this your way of getting back at me?"

"No, this has nothing to do with that. I'm worried about you."

Gar wondered aloud, "Why didn't you tell us that?"

Rachel pulled her eyes from Jason to give a hostile look to the others. "Nobody asked. _Nobody_ ever asked me what happened to my mom. The only thing anyone ever asked was where was my mom. And I told you. I lost her. She's gone to me."

Vic tried to understand her point of view. "But, Rae …" He received an angry look from the dark-haired teen. "Uh, Rachel, your mom didn't really die. Why'd you say that? My mom did die. I-I can't imagine why you'd say that."

"Didn't he tell you?" Rachel glared at Jason for a briefly before continuing. "Didn't he tell you that I was the one who found my mom after she attempted suicide? Didn't he tell you that she practically blamed me for her being in the hospital?" Rachel's voice trembled, she couldn't keep the pain and anger from her voice. She clenched her fists at her side trying to control her anger. "Didn't he tell you that my mom moved on with her life after she left the hospital? She didn't contact me, not once. As far as I know, she never tried. She got a new guy in her life. I don't know, maybe he's my step-father? It was like I didn't matter. Didn't he tell you any of that?"

Kori gasped, "No, oh, I am so very sorry. We all are sorry."

Running a hand through her dark purple hair, Rachel tried to explain. "I know what I've been through is not the same as what some of you've gone through. Some of you have lost one or both of your parents but don't you see? In a way, I have too. It's just in a different way. My mom might still be physically on earth, but I still don't have her."

"But you have a chance. Someday, you might have your mom in your life. I'll never get that chance," Vic said sadly. "I still don't see why you'd let us believe that about your mom."

"I'm sorry, but you have no idea what it was like to find my mom sprawled out on the floor with an empty bottle of pills next to her," Rachel softly said, "I thought she was dead."

Richard said very softly, "My parents were murdered. And I witnessed that." That was still so painful for him.

Rachel and Jason gasped. Rachel said, "I-I didn't know. I'm so sorry." She could only imagine the pain he must have felt or still felt. She didn't want to undermine what Richard went through by likening their situations but she needed them to understand. "I'm not trying to say it's the same but you get it, right? You kind of understand. I mean, you know something like that messes with your head."

"Yes, it does. Like I said, when it first happened, I lashed out at everyone. So, I get why you'd be so upset, but I don't understand why you'd lie."

Rachel sighed as she shook her head. Why wouldn't they understand? "Your parents loved you, right? All of you, your parents loved you?" The other teens nodded. Frowning, Rachel continued, "Well, at least you have the memory of your parents loving you. Imagine if your mother was so desperate to get away from you that she'd try to kill herself. I don't know, I might have eventually understood things if she'd just walked away. I'm sure I would've been angry and hurt but I might've understood. But she didn't do that, she'd tried to end everything. That really messed me up. I couldn't be happy-go-lucky after something like that. So, I'm sorry I'm sometimes moody."

"I already told you, you don't hav'ta be sorry for who you are," said Gar. "We realize that you've had it rough. What we don't get, is why you wouldn't let us in. Why wouldn't you let us help you?"

"I'm s …" she sighed as she crossed her arms, physically blocking herself from the others. "…sorry. I'm a very private person."

"Like Gar said, we understand that," said Vic, "We knew it'd take you a while to let us close. Especially, after all the shit Kitten and the others put you through. Jason said that you had problems with a friend lying about you and your family back in Hamilton. So we knew you'd have issues with trust."

Glaring at her ex-boyfriend once more, Rachel couldn't believe it. Did he tell them everything? "Oh God, was there anything you didn't tell them?" He looked away from her and shook his head. Jason knew she was referring to their intimate night in Hamilton. The night that went all wrong.

"If you knew all that, then why can't you believe that I'd have trouble sharing something so painful, so personal?" Rachel hated that they were confronting her about this. However, if this was all it was, she could handle it. Maybe she was wrong, maybe they didn't know about her father? "I think a part of me wanted to share all of that with you guys. I, I just never could figure out how or when. So I never did. But, honestly think about it, I couldn't just blurt out something about my mom after we'd been talking about some test, could I?"

"We would have listened. We would have understood if you had given us a chance and told us. Rachel, we were your friends."

Were friends, not are friends? Taking a step back, Rachel looked at each other them, her browse furrowed. "So, you don't want to be my friends anymore? All because I didn't tell you something that was very private?" Rachel never imagined that she'd have friends. Once she did, she never thought she'd lose them like this.

"No, no, we are still your friends. That is why we are going to help you."

What was she talking about? "Help me with what? I already said I don't need any help."

"Like we have said, we know you have been having problems with your father. Please, Rachel, let us help you."

"I already said I don't need any help," repeated Rachel. Why wouldn't they let this drop?

"Rachel, it's okay, we know. We know it must've been hard but you don't have to keep it a secret anymore."

"I don't know what you're talking about," lied Rachel. They couldn't know. They could not know. No one could know. "There's nothing wrong. So I don't need your help."

Rachel's phone rang again. Hoping the distraction would get them to stop, she answered it. Before she could say anything Malcolm said, "Rachel, thank God you finally answered."

What? "Malcolm? How'd you get my number? Never mind, I don't have time for …"

"Don't hang up. I got the number for your mobile from your dad."

"From dad? What's wrong with my dad?" Rachel knew her father wouldn't give this guy her phone number. Trigon didn't like Malcolm. She turned her back to her friends so she'd have some privacy but they were concerned and they listened. Rachel repeated, "What's wrong with my dad?"

"He's not hurt if that's what you're afraid of. Where are you? I'll come get you and take you to your dad."

Take her to her father? What was going on? "Malcolm, what's going on? Where's my dad? What's happened to him?"

"I didn't want to tell you like this. Let me pick you up and tell you."

"Tell me, now. What's going on with my dad? Where is he?"

Malcolm sighed, "Your dad's at the police station. I heard the police mention something about domestic violence." Rachel's eyes widen with fear. What! No! That can't happen. No one could know. How did they know? "Rachel? Rachel? Are you still there?"

"What? Um, yeah, I'm, I'm still here. I'm at Vic Stone's house. Do you know where he lives?"

"Yeah."

"Good, I'll be waiting out front." As she's been talking to Malcolm, she felt five pairs of eyes on her. She couldn't deal with them right now. After hanging up she told them, "I have to go. It's a family emergency." She grabbed her backpack and went to the door.

"Rachel, what's going on?"

"It's nothing, just, just leave me alone."

"We know you've been hurt. We want to protect you, to keep you safe," said Vic. "We only wish you'd told us sooner, before things got so bad."

"I, I don't know what you're talking about." She backed away from her friends. "I have to go now."

Richard blurted out, "Rachel, we know you father's been hurting you."

Rachel said, "No, no, you're wrong. Why would you say such a thing?"

"You have been acting a little strange."

"So." She was angry and tried to back away from them. "I thought I already explained that."

"You explained things about your mom," said Richard, "but you didn't explain the problems you've had with you dad."

Jason finally spoke. "Rachel …"

"We're done, okay. You don't have to worry about me anymore."

"I do worry about you. I've known something's wrong. Don't try to deny it. I've seen how you act around your father. I've seen how your mood swings. You've tried to hide it but I could see the pain he's caused you. I never knew if he just said hurtful things to you or physically hurt you."

Rachel whispered, "No, you're wrong." They didn't find out, did they? How?

Jason tried to hug her. "I'm sorry he hurt you but I promise, we'll help you."

Irritated, Rachel pushed him away and repeated, "It's nothing. There's nothing wrong. I have to go." She hated that she was losing it in front of her friends.

"Rachel, both Vic and I have witnessed how awful your father can be to you. Remember, I was there when he called you that awful, horrible name," said Kori. "If he is hurting you, even if it is with his words, why would you protect him?"

Protect him? She wasn't protecting him. She was protecting herself. She had to do what she could to keep herself safe. There were plenty of reasons not to tell anyone. Rachel knew if their secret got out, she was in trouble. It probably wouldn't happen right away, but she knew that she'd pay a high price.

Besides, would anyone believe her if she told them. Rachel knew that he'd deny any accusations. So, it would be his word against hers. Trigon Roth was a powerful, successful business man. Why would he abuse his daughter?

Rachel shook her head. "I'm not protecting him. I'm not protecting anyone." She knew they wouldn't understand. None of them has gone through what she's been through.

"Please," continued Kori, "we are your friends. Let us help you. You are kind and compassionate. You do not deserve to be hurt by anyone, not by Kitten, not by your father. Please, let us help you. If things were reversed, I know you would help a friend."

Rachel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She knew they were trying to do what was best for her. At that moment, she needed them to drop it. She couldn't do this, not when her dad was at the police station. She needed to get to him. She needed to make him understand she didn't start this.

"Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do. You're only looking out for me but I'm fine. Nothing's wrong. Yes, sometimes we get into arguments, but that's normal, isn't it? I mean, you guys said that you get into arguments with your parents. Why should it be so different for me? Listen to me, nothing is wrong. I'm still very upset about my mom and maybe I should've told you about that. Between being bullied and my mom, I'm kind of a mess, but nothing is wrong."

Vic surprised Rachel by grabbing her right wrist and pushing up her sleeve. "Then explain these." They expected to find Rachel's arm covered with bruises. There were no faded bruises. They were shocked to see the white scars scattered on her arm. They'd hoped the guidance counselor was wrong.

"Rachel …"

She pulled her arm away from Vic and shoved her sleeve down. As Rachel went out the door, she hissed, "It's none of your business!"

"But Rachel," her friends followed her, "you've been hurt. Did your dad do that to you?"

Yes. "No. I have to go."

Gar said to Vic, "Maybe this is too much for us to handle? Maybe we should've told someone?"

Vic couldn't shake the sight of Rachel's scars from his mind. He was starting to agree with Gar. "Yeah, you might be right."

"What did you do?"

"Rachel, it'll be okay. You'll be safe."

Rachel began to panic. She cried out, "What did you do! Who did you tell!"

Jason put his hand on her cheek. His eyes were full of questions and concern. Rachel pushed him away. "We didn't tell anyone anything. We just want to make sure you're alright. If we have to tell someone to keep you safe, that's we'll do."

"No. No! How could you do this!" Rachel's eyes burned with rage. The others take a step back. For a second, her eyes looked red. They'd never seen her so angry. "Don't you get it? Your accusations will only ruin things between me and my dad. You're making everything worse." Rachel held her hand up, keeping her friends at a distance. "Stay away! All of you! Just leave me alone!" They heard a car coming. "We're through. I can't believe you'd do this to me. I never want to see any of you again."

"Rachel …"

"I mean it! Stay away from me!" Rachel got in Malcom's car and didn't look back.

On the way to the police station, they rode in silence. Malcolm occasionally glanced at the angry girl next to him. He wondered what was going on but was afraid to ask.

Rachel trembled with anger. Absentmindedly, she clenched and unclenched her fingers. She knew she had to calm down before they got to the station. Rachel knew she couldn't see her father when she was so upset. How could they do this to her? She thought they were her friends. Maybe she was right about friendship not being worth the trouble? If what they did was friendship, then she didn't need them. She didn't need friends.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome.**


	24. Chapter 24: Welcome to the Masquerade

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/ or adult subject matter.**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Thousand Foot Krutch or any lyrics.**

* * *

 **"I'm not …/ …okay"-Welcome to the Masquerade, Thousand Foot Krutch**

* * *

Hearing the door open, a middle-aged officer at the front desk of the police station looked up from the computer. Upon seeing the two teens, one with whitish hair and many piercings and the other with purple hair, he shook his head slightly and muttered under his breath, "Kids."

The girl with purple hair went up to the desk. "Where's my dad, Trigon Roth? I need to see him. I was told he was brought in here."

The officer started checking the computer. "Okay, just a minute. Who did you say you were looking for and who are you?"

Rachel tried to keep the panic from her voice. "My name is Rachel Roth and I'm looking for my dad, Trigon Roth."

The officer searched the screen. "Roth, …Roth, okay, here it is. It looks like he was brought in about an hour ago." He read the screen then asked, "Miss Roth, are you the only child in the household?"

"Yes, what's going on? Why was he brought here? Can I see him?"

"Let me make some calls. Why don't you wait over there."

Rachel and Malcolm went over to the area where the officer indicated. Rachel wrapped her arms around herself as if she was trying to hold herself together. She couldn't believe this was happening. Who would've turned him in? She didn't think it was her friends. They were just trying to her to open up but she didn't think they'd call the police. Shouldn't she be relieved? Rachel wasn't sure what she felt. Mostly, she felt terrified. What was going to happen? What if he thought she told somebody? What if …

She jumped when Malcolm touched her arm. "Hey kid, you okay? Want me to get you something?"

She shook her head, "No, I'm okay. You can go."

"Are you sure? I can stay."

"I'm fine. This was all a big misunderstanding."

"Want me to call someone for you? Maybe your father's girlfriend?"

"Laura? No, I don't know where she is. I'll, I'll call her if I need to."

"Maybe I could call one of your friends?"

Again, she shook her head. "No."

"Okay. Um, if you don't mind me asking, what happened back there at Vic's house?"

Rachel shrugged, "That was nothing."

"That didn't sound like nothing. You sounded very angry. Wanna talk about it?"

She sighed, "I'm sorry if I hurt their feelings but I can't worry about that now. I have to focus on my dad."

"Miss Roth?" a female office called her name.

"Yes, that's me. Can I see my dad now?"

"It's going to take a little longer. I'm Officer Courtney Lorenz, why don't you come with me while you wait."

Malcolm asked Rachel, "Want me to stay?"

"No, like I said, I'm fine. You can go."

Malcolm watched his neighbor follow the officer down the corridor. As he left, he wondered what was really going on.

Officer Lorenz lead a nervous Rachel into a room. A woman and a man, maybe another officer, were sitting at a table. Rachel eyed them curiously. Why were they here? What was going on? Was she in trouble? "Miss Roth, uh …" the officer at the table checked his notes. Rachel volunteered her first name. "Right, Rachel," he continued, "why don't you have a seat."

Rachel tentatively sat in the only seat available. "When can I see my dad?"

"I don't think it'll take too much longer. First, we'd like to ask you some questions." Rachel nervously pulled her sleeves down over her hands. "Try to relax. You've done nothing wrong." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Rachel wondered what type of questions they'd ask her. What have they asked her father? What was going to happen? Did he think she turned him in? "By the way," the officer interrupted her thoughts, "I'm Detective Liam Newman and this is Cathy Nicholson. She's a court appointed special advocate. Do you know what that means?"

Rachel shrugged, "Um, she's kinda like a lawyer?"

"Something like that. She's here to represent you since you're a minor and you can't have a parent here.

"I know that it's easier said than done, but don't be nervous. We're only looking out for what's best for you. I'm going to ask you some questions. I need you to answer them as truthfully as you can, okay?"

"Okay, I'll try."

Detective Newman gave Rachel a smile, trying to calm her nerves. "It's okay, you'll do fine. Do you know why we brought your father in for questioning?"

"My friend said that he overheard something about domestic violence. But that can't be right. There must be some mistake. My dad would nev …"

"I'm sorry but we have to investigate. I'm sure you understand that we have to make sure you are safe. If your father hasn't done anything then he won't have any problems. Try not to worry about him. We want what's best for you. We want you to be safe. Like I said, be truthful with your answers, okay?"

Rachel nodded. The detective said not to worry about her father but how could she not? She was afraid he thought that she started this. She was afraid of what he'd do to her. Rachel knew she had to convince everyone in the room that her father had never laid a hand on her.

"Has your father ever hit you or threatened to hit you?"

"No, of course not," Rachel looked the detective in the eye as she lied.

She vehemently denied all the questions of abuse the detective asked. It didn't matter what he asked, her answers never reflected any sort of trouble in the Roth household. According to the teen, her father never belittled her. He never threatened her in any way. He never yelled at her for no reason. He most certainly didn't belt her or beat her so bad that she had bruised ribs and had to see a mysterious doctor.

"How did you break your arm? Did your father have anything to do with that?"

"How did you know about that?"

"We got your medical records. We had to see if there were any unexplained injuries."

Rachel couldn't remember if there was anything else in her medical records that she'd have to explain. She didn't think there was. This was probably why her father rarely took her to a doctor or the hospital. Of course, he didn't use to hurt her enough to need medical attention.

"Oh, um, my dad had nothing to do with that. I broke my arm in a car accident. An animal or something was in the road and dad had to swerve to avoid hitting it. Then we almost hit a tree. It would've been worse if dad hadn't slammed on the breaks."

"Rachel, when did you start locking your bedroom door?"

Rachel was startled to learn they'd been in their house. "I think I always have."

Detective Newman wrote something in his notes. Rachel wondered what he kept writing about her. "Why is that?"

"I don't know. My dad locks his door too. We respect each others privacy." The detective wrote something else in his notes.

"Rachel, has your father ever touched you, in a sexually way?"

"What! No. Of course not! That's gross! He would never... I would never let him do that. Did someone say that's what happened? If they did, then they're lying." She's completely shocked they asked her that. That was one way her father had never hurt her and he never would .

"It's okay, calm down. We just had to ask the question."

"My dad is good to me. It's been just the two of us for so long. He looks out for me. Everything he has done is in my best interest." Rachel lied, "He would never hurt me in any way, at least not intentionally. He didn't even yell at me when I chopped of my hair and dyed it purple."

Thinking it could be a cry for help, he asked, "Why did you do that?"

Rachel shrugged, "I thought it would be artsy, I guess, I don't know. I'm not acting out if that's what you're thinking. Most people, including my friends, don't think I can be spontaneous. I did this on a whim. I thought it'd be fun." She's relieved they seemed to accept her answer.

They've noticed how Rachel kept nervously tugging her sleeves down over her hands. That was really the only sign of unease she's shown them. She's looked them in the eye and her voice has been calm and even. They wondered if she had something to hide. "Rachel, would you mind pushing up your sleeves?"

Rachel fearfully looked at Cathy. The way Rachel reacted was as if Detective Newman just asked her to strip in front of all of them and give him a lap dance.

Sensing Rachel's fear Cathy said, "It's okay. You're not going to have to remove anything, simply push up your sleeves some. We just need to make sure you're all right, okay?"

Rachel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She eyed each of them nervously before slowly pushing her sleeves up her arms. Instantly, goose bumps appeared on her pale skin. She showed them the backs of her arms. Her skin was unmarred except for the goose bumps. Maybe that explained her actions? She was cold. "Would you please turn your arms over?" Refusing to look at anyone, Rachel stared at the floor as she showed them the underside of her arms. They saw the scars of her father's attack one arm.

Office Lorenz took a picture of Rachel's scarred arm. Detective Newman said, "Okay, you can put your sleeves back down." Rachel didn't hesitate a moment to do that. "Rachel, tell me what happened. Did your father do that to you?"

Again, Rachel lied, "No, he didn't even know about it until the principal and school councilor told him."

"Why did you hurt yourself like that?"

She falsely told them she did it when she broke up with Jason. She couldn't let on that her father had anything to do with those scars. They asked her a few more questions before they left her alone in the room.

Two detectives discussed the Roth case. Their stories were the same. They both denied any abuse has ever happened. They watched Rachel sitting alone. The detective who questioned Trigon said, "This guy seems to have all the right answers but he doesn't seem to have been trained. Did you learn anything from the girl?"

Detective Newman said, "Either there's no abuse or this girl is too scared to let on about anything. If it's the case that she's hiding things, then she's an incredible actress." He sighed, "So we have no proof of abuse, only accusations. What do we do now?" He kept watching Rachel because he felt like there was something she wasn't saying.

"We have to let him go but we will keep an eye on him. If we find out he's done anything to hurt his daughter, his high priced lawyer won't be able to help him."

Alone in the room, Rachel's nerves were frayed. She went back and forth between wanting to see her father and not wanting to see him. What did he think? Was she in trouble? Would he go after her if the police were watching him? Would the police keep watching him? Did they believe their lies? If she hadn't lied, would they believe her? Again, Rachel had to wonder why anyone would believe her over her father.

Rachel's mind whirled with questions but there were no answers. Hearing a noise, she looked up. She was surprised to see her father in the doorway. How long had he been standing there?

"You know, I didn't …"

"I know."

"What happens now?"

"We go home."

As they're walking through the station, Laura came racing in. "Where is he? Where is Trigon Roth?"

"Ma'am, what is your relationship with him?"

"I am his girlfriend and I need to see him."

"Laura …"

"Tri!" Laura raced over to the father and daughter. "What happened? Why are you here?"

"It's nothing, just a misunderstanding." Laura hugged him while she glared at Rachel. What was her problem? Trigon pulled out of the hug but kept his arm around his girlfriend. "Come on, let's go home." Rachel followed the adults but she wondered what was Laura's problem. Why did she glare at her like that?

* * *

During the car ride home, there was no mention of why Trigon was at the police station. In the back seat, Rachel looked at the backs of their heads. She wondered what would happen once they got home.

At home, there still wasn't any mention of how or where they'd spent the afternoon. Did they think if no one talked about it then it never happened. Rachel wished it hadn't happened but she was afraid her father was like a ticking time bomb. He would explode at her when she least expected it. She didn't want any sort of fight but she kind of wanted to get it over.

After a quiet, normal dinner, things blew up. Laura started it. She blamed Rachel. "She's the reason you were there. She's why you were put in this predicament."

"I didn't …"

"Shut up," They both yelled at Rachel. The teen stayed silent.

"Rachel wouldn't do that. She wouldn't turn me in. She wouldn't do that because she knows how much trouble she's in if she did." Rachel gulped. He was threatening her without saying it.

Laura scoffed. "Your daughter is an ungrateful brat. I wouldn't put up with what she does. You're too lenient on her." What? He was too easy on her? Laura has seen what he's done to his daughter. How could she think that?

"If I were you," Laura continued, "I'd set her straight. I'd send her to that boarding school I told you about. The way she keeps acting out, who knows what she'll do next."

"I'm not sending her away. She's my daughter. You get no say in how I raise her."

"But, Tri, I'm only looking out for you. What if she brings drugs here and you get blamed for that? If she wasn't here, then nothing bad could happen."

Rachel couldn't believe they were talking about her like she wasn't sitting there. Why did she always have to pay for what others did? She was angry at both of them. Why should she have to leave her home because her father couldn't control his anger?

As her father and Laura argued about her, Rachel studied the scars on her arm. She had a sudden, overwhelming urge to add to those scars. She'd never felt like that before. If she was going to be in pain, she wanted to control her pain. Rachel dug her fingernails into her arm. She didn't do any damage but she left red marks over her pale skin. She did that a few times. She couldn't take much more of their arguing. She had to get out of there.

"Enough!" Rachel stood up and faced the adults. "I didn't say anything to anyone. I didn't turn you in. I would never do that. I didn't want to be there, at the police station. I hated it. You have to know, I didn't turn you in."

The room was silent. Everyone just looked at one another. They were all surprised by Rachel's outburst, including Rachel. The teen ran from the room, up to her room and slammed the door.

Sitting on her bed, Rachel ran her fingers through her hair. What did she do? She just yelled at her father. She could not do that. She was in so much trouble.

She trembled slightly hearing footsteps on the stairs. They were loud footsteps. Her father was coming up. What would he do to her? He'd always threatened to kill her if the secret ever got out. Rachel didn't put that afternoon's events into action but she would pay for it.

Rachel jumped when Trigon knocked on her door. She glanced at the window and wished she'd run away. She didn't know where she'd go but at least she be relatively safe. Trigon knocked again. Rachel knew she had no choice but to open her door. She knew it would only make it worse for her if her had to break down her door.

Taking a deep breath, Rachel slowly opened her door. Trigon saw the fear in his daughter's eyes. He knew she was terrified of him. Maybe that would be enough, for now?

"I'm sorry for what Laura said down there. I'm not going to send you away. She shouldn't have said that. And, um, I know you didn't turn me in. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done things to put you in a position like that." What? He was apologizing? He never apologized, not ever. "I'm sure it wasn't easy having to answer those questions but you must have said the right things. They believed you. A social worker will check on us so we'll have to be careful, okay?" Rachel nodded. "Try not to worry. Things will get back to normal soon. Good night."

"Good ...night." Rachel would never understand him. She was sure he'd lash out at her. Instead, he apologized. Did the police say something to him? Did they scare him? What did he mean when he said things would get back to normal? What was normal for them? Would he go back to hurting her after the social workers were done investigating them? Rachel hoped that wasn't the case. She hoped the abuse would just stop. Couldn't they be a normal family, without any kind of abuse?

* * *

Trigon got a call just after he and Rachel pulled into the driveway after going to the grocery store. It's business so he had to take it. He left Rachel to take in the groceries. They normally didn't spend so much time together but they wanted to show harmony between the two. While Rachel took in bags, Malcolm came over.

"Hey, kid, things okay? What was that all about?"

"Yeah, I don't know what happened but it was all a big misunderstanding." Malcolm took the heavy looking bag from Rachel. She took another bag and lead the way to the kitchen. After their third trip, Malcolm made a comment about all the food.

"Well, Thanksgiving is this week."

"All this food is for the three of you?"

"Dad's having some clients and colleagues over. It was Laura's idea. We're having this huge spread."

"You don't sound very excited about that."

She shrugged her shoulders as if to say 'what can I do about it'. "At least I don't have to cook except to maybe mash the potatoes and heat up the rolls. Otherwise I'd probably give everyone food poisoning."

* * *

Black Friday, Trigon dropped Rachel at the mall where she pretended to do Christmas shopping. He thought she was with her friends, but she wanted nothing to do with them. He didn't care what she did as long as it appeared normal.

Before going home, Trigon made a call for someone to meet him in a secluded corner of a park. He only had to wait a few minutes for that person to arrive. Trigon explained that he'd been taken to the police station for questioning. He wasn't happy about the predicament his daughter had put him in. He needed to make her pay for her insolence. Trigon pulled out a wad of money. After counting it, he handed it over to the man standing in front of him. "You know what to do?"

"You want me to torture your daughter."

"Torture might be a little too strong of a word. I need your to scare her. I need that little bitch to know I'm still in control. I'd do it myself, but I can't. Not after that stunt she pulled, getting the authorities involved. I can't lay a hand on her. Although, that doesn't mean you can't do something."

"So, does that mean anything goes? "

"Anything within reason. She is my daughter after all. I don't want her severely hurt. I don't want to do this but she gave me no other choice. Remember, you never say a word about this."

"Of course, it goes without saying."

Trigon was the first to leave. He didn't want to be seen with that other man. The man slowly walked back to his car. When he got in his car, a woman surprised him by getting in.

"What do you want?" he was curious but annoyed by her strange requests.

"I see you just had an interesting meeting with Trigon."

"What's so interesting about it. I work with him."

"How often do you two meet in a park?" When he looked away from her, she grinned. "I didn't think that's where most business men did their work. Unless, you're doing something underhanded. In which case, I have an offer for you."

He rolled his eyes. "What is it?"

"Did you know Trigon's having trouble with his daughter?"

"So? What's that have to do with me?"

"She needs to be taught a lesson. Her false accusations could've ruined Trigon's reputation as a business man. You can't ruin someone's life without expecting the favor to be returned."

"What are you saying? You don't want me to kill her, do you? If that's what you want, get someone else. I'm not doing that."

"Relax. I didn't say anything about killing."

"Then what are you asking me to do?"

Laura gave him a sly grin. "I just think she needs to be taught a lesson. And I thought you'd be just the guy to do it. After all, don't you want some alone time with the girl?"

"Yes, but …"

"I will guarantee that you have all the alone time you want."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I'm sure you'll think of something."

He looked at the brunette sitting next to him. What kind of women suggested a man go after her boyfriend's teenaged daughter? He smiled. She might be as messed up as he was. "Would abduction be out of the question?"

"If that's what's needed for the little bitch to know her place, then so be it. I want you to make sure she never pulls a stunt like this again. I'll pay you well for your efforts. And don't worry, if it's needed, I'll pay for your lawyer. Secretly, of course."

"Of course, it goes without saying," he repeated what he'd said moments ago to Trigon.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome.**


	25. Chapter 25 Fire and Ice

**Chapter 25: Fire and Ice**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Within Temptation, or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **"And I still …/ … you and I"- Fire and Ice, Within Temptation**

* * *

Finding Rachel in the study surprised Trigon. He didn't expect to find her looking out the window in the study. "What are you doing in here?"

"I've just been watching the neighbor's guests show up for their party. I've been doing this all week, watching the whole neighborhood decorate for Christmas."

He gathered some papers off the desk. "You're not still moping about that boy, are you?"

"His name's Jason, and no I'm not moping. I just have nothing to do and I liked watching the lights go up. I'm not really into these people but like I said, I have nothing else to do."

"Why don't you do something with your friends?" suggested Trigon. It just occurred to him that he hadn't seen any of her friends around.

"No, they're all doing something else." Having turned back to the window, Rachel rolled her eyes. Like he cared. She didn't think he ever really wanted her to have friends. She guessed she didn't have to worry about that anymore. They finally got the message. It wasn't as if they gave up easily. They kept calling, even coming over to see if she was all right. Rachel just shut them out. She had to, after what they did. She couldn't let them close again. She was sorry she had to push Jinni away. Rachel knew she had nothing to do with all of that but she was done with friends, all friends. Rachel was right; friendship wasn't worth the trouble.

Trigon realized his daughter has had to sacrifice a lot for him. Normally her discontentment wouldn't bother him but he wanted to show a positive front. He suggested, "Why don't you put up our trees?"

"Really?" Rachel turned around and looked at her father. "I thought you said we weren't going to have any trees this year; that you were too busy. And what about Laura? Didn't she say something about decorating for the new year's eve?"

"Well, I changed my mind. Besides, it would probably look weird to be the only house in the neighborhood without something up for the holidays. As far as Laura decorating? This isn't her house, it's yours."

Rachel started to perk up. A smile slowly spread on her face, "So I can decorate the house?"

"Yes, just don't go crazy. I don't want the place to look like a damn winter wonderland. I don't want you putting a bunch of shit outside, just the two trees, if you must, and maybe a few decorations inside." As he left the room, he muttered to himself, "Damn, just like her mother. She always wanted to decorate everything."

Trigon went to his office and Laura was away visiting some friends or something. Rachel never knew where she went but she didn't care. Sometimes she wondered if her father knew where Laura went. Oh well, that didn't matter. Rachel was alone and she could decorate for Christmas.

Rachel turned on the radio. Finding a good station, she turned it up. Her hair was now long enough to pull her it back into a short ponytail. Pulling it back, several wisps of hair fell forward, framing her face. She practically laughed at her excitement. Decorating for Christmas has always been magical for her.

Rachel pulled the trees and decorations from the basement. She set up one tree in the dining room. That was the "formal" tree and viewed from the street. That tree matched the formality of the dining room. It was formal enough if they had a client over for dinner. They didn't often have clients over but Rachel wanted be safe. She didn't want to make any mistakes so close to Christmas. She set the boxes of decorations next to the tree. There were gold and burgundy with the occasional olive green ornaments. Rachel plugged the white lights into a timer since they rarely entered that room.

The other tree was set up in the family room. It was in the corner near the fireplace and was more casual. It would be silver, white, and shades of blue, with small amounts of lime green, and plum. She planned to decorate the trees in the same manner. Rachel liked that they'd look completely different even though they'd be decorated similarly. One tree would be fire and the other would be ice.

With the trees lit, she set to decorate them. She was meticulous about it. She undid and re-draped the garland multiple times. Finally liking the way it was, Rachel smiled to herself.

Rachel continued by adding the ornaments, all while singing along with the Christmas carols on the radio. Her last step was to add the icicles, her favorite ornaments, to the blue and silver tree. With glitter all over her, Rachel stepped back and smiled.

Both trees were loaded with ornaments. She probably couldn't put another one on if she wanted to. The trees were beautiful, they sparkled and shined. Her friends would be shocked to see her so into the decorations. As far as they were concerned, she didn't believe in anything. But they weren't apart of her life anymore, so it didn't matter.

* * *

Christmas morning was quiet in the Roth household. At their leisure, father and daughter got up to a stress-free breakfast of pancakes. Rachel wondered where Laura was and asked about her.

"She thought she'd give us the morning, you know, just the two of us." Trigon hesitated a moment before continuing, "Um, you get along alright with Laura, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Laura had helped her after a beating but she also seemed to blame Rachel for getting abused. Sometimes, Rachel didn't understand the woman.

"How would you like having Laura as a stepmother?" He was going to marry her? Rachel didn't think they'd get married so soon. They've only been dating a few months.

"Um, yeah, that'd be …good." Rachel didn't know what else she could say. She knew that he'd already made up his mind to propose to Laura. Rachel knew he was only asking her opinion as a formality. He wouldn't change his mind if Rachel said no.

Rachel forced a smile on her face, "Congratulations." Things were about to get a lot more interesting. If Laura was her father's wife, then she'd have a say in what Rachel could or couldn't do. She hoped Laura wouldn't convince her father to send her away to that boarding school.

After they exchanged gifts, Trigon said, "I know things have been bad for awhile. I know you've had to put up with a lot and you've given up much because of me."

Rachel shrugged, "That's okay."

He sat next to his daughter on the sofa. "No, it's not okay. I've hurt you more than I've meant to. But you have to understand how hard it was for me to lose Angela. I ended up taking my anger out on you and I'm sorry."

That surprised Rachel. He's never admitted to doing anything wrong before. The closest he's ever come to apologizing was after they came home from the police station last month. He apologized for Laura and for thinking she turned him in. But he's never apologized for hurting her.

She listened in silence as he continued "What happened last month has showed me things have to change. I'm going to get help with my anger. It might take awhile but I promise things will get better. With Laura becoming part of our family, we'll all have a chance for a happy family." He leaned over and gave her a hug. Closing her eyes, Rachel hoped what he said about controlling his anger was true because if it was, then this was the best gift she'd ever received.

* * *

That evening, the dining room table lit up with candles. The room looked very romantic. The tree added to the jovial and festiveness of the room. Trigon had catered an elaborate meal. Tonight was going to be perfect. When Laura came home, her eyes lit up.

Rachel didn't know if she suspected anything. Were there signs of a proposal? The teen wondered if, after dating someone long and moving in together, was marriage the expected next step? Had Laura been expecting his proposal? If she didn't get it, would she have left?

After dinner, Trigon got on one knee. Laura looked surprised. Rachel was surprised. She hadn't expected her father to propose that night. She thought he'd do it later, after the new year. What was the hurry?

Trigon pulled a small box out of his pocket. "Laura De Mille, will you do me the honor of being my wife?" He opened the velvet covered box, presenting Laura with a large diamond ring.

Laura's sparkling eyes went from the ring to Trigon and back again. "Trigon?"

"Will you marry me?"

"Yes! Yes, of course! You're exactly what I've always wanted."

After putting the ring on Laura's finger, the newly engaged couple kissed. Embarrassed by that, Rachel looked away. It just occurred to her that she'd have a stepsister. Rachel knew nothing about her future stepsister, except that her name was Gemma. She'd never even seen a picture of the girl. She'd have to remember to do some research about her future stepmother and stepsister.

"Rachel, come here," Laura interrupted the teen's thoughts. Rachel went over to her father and Laura. She couldn't remember seeing Laura so happy.

"Congratulations."

Laura pulled Rachel into a hug, which Rachel didn't like. But to go along with the moment, she hugged her back. After the hug, Laura held Rachel by the shoulders at arms length. "If you want, since you don't have your real mother in your life, you can call me mom if you want."

Rachel looked to her father, "Um …uh …if it's okay, can I keep calling you Laura?"

"Of course, what ever you want." Laura went over and sat on Trigon's lap. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

If that was true, Laura wouldn't be nuzzling up to her father. Rachel understood that they were in love. They'd just got engaged after all, but did they have to practically make out in the dining room?

"I'm, um, uh, I'm going to go to my room. Merry Christmas."

In her room, Rachel flopped on her bed. She couldn't believe it, her father was getting married. He was getting married. He just proposed to Laura. He'd only mentioned marriage that morning. She couldn't believe it.

She sat up suddenly, deciding to look up her future stepmother. She read the computer screen. Laura De Mille was born in France to American parents. She was about Angela's age. It seemed that Rachel's father liked younger women. Both of his wifes, ex and future, were around ten years younger than him.

Rachel read further, Laura was an actress and sometimes she was a teacher. She never married but took a break from acting when she had a daughter. Rachel stopped reading. According to this, Laura's daughter, Gemma, was close to Rachel's age. That meant she was in high school. So why wasn't she with Laura?

Breaking glass and a loud squeal came from downstairs, making Rachel jump. What happened? She hurried down stairs and was shocked to see them laughing while they picked up a broken glass. _She_ broke a glass and got scars on her arm. _They_ break a glass and they're laughing? Sometimes life wasn't fair.

"What happened? Are you two okay?"

"Yeah, we're okay. We got a little carried away with our toast."

"Well, I'm glad no one got hurt. I'm going to go back upstairs." Rachel turned to leave the room.

"Rachel, wait," Laura dropped the fragments of glass in the trash. "We have great news. We're getting married."

"Um, yes, I know." Did they forget that she was there when they got engaged?

"We know you know that. What we're saying is, we're getting married before the new year." Trigon and Laura couldn't stop gazing at on another.

"What? There's just six days left of the year. How can you get married so fast? Isn't there a lot of planning?"

"Not if we go to Las Vegas and elope." Laura was giddy. She practically danced around.

"Las Vegas? Elope? But dad, I thought …" Rachel didn't know what she thought. She never expected her father to be in a whirlwind romance.

"It's okay. This works out perfectly. We'll be married before the end of the year and we won't have the expenses of a wedding. Everything is taken care of there."

"That's right. They have so many types of weddings there. We can have which ever type we want. What do you think, Tri, should we have a goofy wedding or an elegant one? We could be stereotypical and have Elvis at our wedding."

"It's your first time walking down the aisle, we can do whatever you want. But I have a feeling you want it to be as elegant and elaborate as it can be."

Laura laughed. "You know me too well. I should look online for what type of wedding we'll have. Oh, I should also look to see what stores have for a wedding dress. It needs to be something I can buy here. I'm sure they have something in Las Vegas but I don't want to risk it."

"Don't forget to look for something for the wedding night," Trigon called out to his fiancée. Laura giggled as she went upstairs. Rachel wrinkled her nose and frowned, she didn't want to think of their wedding night and what they'd be doing.

Trigon chuckled at his daughter's expression. He understood. No one liked thinking of their parents in bed. "You okay with all of this?"

"Isn't it a little fast?"

"Maybe, but it's what we want." Father and daughter hugged. Rachel wasn't used to so much hugging. It didn't feel normal. She wasn't a huggy type of person. "Oh, did you want to be there? Laura and I were thinking it would just be the two of us. But if you want to be apart of this, we can make adjustments."

"Oh, um, no," Rachel had kind of assumed that she was going too, but she didn't really want to be part of the wedding. She just thought that they wouldn't leave her home for longer than a night. "No, I'm fine with staying home."

"Good, that means we can have a honeymoon right after we're married. But I think while we're gone you should stay at a friend's house. You know what, maybe over the summer, we can go on vacation as a new family? Maybe we can go to France and Laura can show us where she grew up?"

"Okay, um, dad, what about Laura's …"

"Trigon?" Laura called with a sing-songy voice from the stairway.

"I better go see what my fiancée wants."

"…daughter?" Trigon left his daughter to go to his future wife. Why wouldn't anyone talk about Laura's daughter?

* * *

 **Comments are welcome.**


	26. Chapter 26: Angels

***** WARNING! *****

 **LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND ADULT SUBJECT MATTER!**

 ***** WARNING! *****

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Within Temptation or these lyrics.**

* * *

 **Chapter 26: Angels**

* * *

 **"You took …/…just a lie" – Angels , Within Temptation**

* * *

Rachel spent the next two days shopping with Laura. If Rachel thought it was bad shopping with Kori, then helping Laura shop for her wedding was a hundred times worse. They went from shop to shop, from boutique to boutique. Rachel didn't think there were many stores in Jump City that they didn't try.

Even though Rachel wasn't going to be there, Laura considered the teen to be sort of the maid of honor. She wanted Rachel to help her pick out the right wedding dress. It had to be elegant, but not over the top, but it also couldn't be too understated. This was, after all, her wedding dress said Laura. She wanted it to be perfect. After trying on almost as many dresses as Rachel had tried on for the dance, Laura found _the_ one.

Rachel had to admit, the dress was beautiful. The floor length gown was form-fitting with the skirt flaring out slightly at the knees. It was a halter dress creating a v-neckline and a deep v-back. The sequin panel accents on the bodice and skirt of the dress were art deco inspired. The ivory dress was very elegant. It was perfect for a wedding.

After finding the "perfect" wedding dress, Laura wanted Rachel to continue to help her. She needed things for their trip. "I need a trousseau for my wedding."

"A what?"

"A trousseau, that's things a bride needs. You know, the dress, shoes, clothes and lingerie. I also need new luggage for my trousseau. Come on, let's continue shopping." Rachel sighed as they went in search of shoes.

Later, entering a lingerie store, Rachel blushed and asked to stay in the car. "Nonsense," said Laura, "I need your help. Besides, we are bonding, are we not? We need to bond because we will soon be family." Rachel nodded and reluctantly followed her future stepmother into the lingerie store.

Rachel tried to hang around the lounge wear, not wanting to be near the lingerie, especially the things Laura was looking through. The teen wasn't interested in the sheer and lace skimpy garments. Rachel blushed seeing that somethings left little to the imagination.

Wanting to bond and trying to be nice, Laura insisted on buying Rachel somethings. Laura didn't realize how uncomfortable her future stepdaughter was. If she had, she wouldn't be insisting that Rachel pick out something sexy.

Rachel wasn't like that, or at least not yet. She knew she'd probably change her mind about how embarrassing the lacy garments were when she got older. They compromised, Laura bought Rachel some cute matching sets. Some of the sets were slightly but not overly sexy. Laura thought that Rachel should have some lacy things, just in case she got another boyfriend. Laura wasn't trying to push Rachel into being sexually active but she thought that the teen should be prepared.

Handing Rachel her bag, Laura whispered to her, "Of course, don't tell your father about these. He'd probably think I was pushing you to be sexually active, but I'm not. Just because you have sexy undergarments doesn't mean you're sleeping around. Sometimes, a woman just wants to feel sexy. It kind of gives her confidence. There have been times when I've worn lacy things under a business suit and I wasn't even thinking about sex. I just wanted to feel pretty and confident."

Rachel smiled and wished Laura would get off that subject. She'd tried to have sex a few months ago with Jason and that had turned out all wrong. She wasn't looking for a boyfriend and despite what Jinni said, there didn't seem to be any guys interested in her. Rachel didn't care, or at least she told herself that. She'd signed off of dating for awhile. Maybe over the summer, she'd change her mind?

Later that night, at the airport, Rachel was saying goodbye to her father and Laura. Trigon had chartered a private plane so they could fly to Las Vegas whenever they were ready. For some reason, Rachel felt a little strange saying goodbye to her father. He'd gone on many business trips so that wasn't weird. She decided that fact that he was going to get married made this strange. She always assumed that whenever her father remarried, she would be there with him. Rachel wasn't upset about not going to Las Vegas. She wasn't interested. Besides, she wanted a chance to be alone before everything changed.

Trigon awkwardly hugged his daughter, "You're going to a friend's house, right?"

"Yes," lied Rachel, "but first I have to go home and get some things."

"Okay, I thought you'd have to do that, since you hadn't packed anything. Well, I love you."

"I love you too, dad. Call me when you get there?"

"I'll do that. We'll let you know when we're married. Remember, be a good girl." Rachel nodded. She understood what he meant. She couldn't do anything that would make him angry or reflect poorly on him.

As Trigon and Rachel talked, Laura made a call. "We're going out of town for a few days, maybe a week. Trigon and I are getting married. She's going home to get some things, so this might be your chance."

Laura didn't know that Trigon had made a similar call while he was waiting outside the store to pick them up.

Rachel wished them safe travels as they went through the airport to their plane. Watching the plane take off, she had no idea that they were plotting against her.

* * *

Rachel instructed the driver Trigon had hired to drop her off at home. She knew her father thought she was staying with a friend. That's what she'd told him. But that wasn't the case. Rachel didn't have any friends to stay with. Besides, she thought she was old enough to stay home alone for a week or so. She told the driver that he didn't have to wait for her. She'd give him a call when she needed a ride.

After unlocking the door, Rachel waited for the driver to drive away before she closed the door. Quiet. What a relief. There'd been such a flurry of activity getting ready for this sudden wedding. Rachel was glad to have the house to herself for a few days. Things were a little different once Laura moved in. Rachel didn't know how things would change once Laura became her stepmother.

Rachel hoped things with her father would continue as it'd been lately. Things had been better between the two, especially after what happened right before Thanksgiving. She wondered if that was kind of a wake up call for him. There had been no fights, verbal or physical. It's been normal around the house. Maybe that was an early resolution for him?

Flipping through the channels, she couldn't find anything to watch. Rachel had hoped to stay up to at least answer her father's call that they got to Las Vegas safely. However, she was having trouble keeping her eyes open. Funny, with no one else home, she could stay up as late as she wanted. But she was tired from all the shopping, so Rachel decided to go to bed. Maybe some other nights she'd stay up late?

Climbing the stairs, she was unaware that she was being watched by someone in the house. The intruder used the key that Trigon gave him. He'd slipped in the house moments before the car dropped off Rachel. He had to quickly hide so she wouldn't detect him. He had to wait for the right moment to scare her.

He waited a while to make sure she was asleep. Waking up to a stranger in her room should be enough to scare her. He wouldn't hurt her, he told himself, just scare her. He'd noticed when she went up the stairs they didn't creak. That was good. He could sneak upstairs without her hearing him. When he tried to open her door, he swore under his breath. Why did she lock her door? Did she suspect she wasn't alone? How would she know? What should he do now? He went back down stairs to figure out what to do. Should he wait until morning to scare her?

Soon after the intruder got downstairs, he heard Rachel's door unlock and open. Had she heard him? He quickly hid. Where he hid, he could watch her coming down the stairs. He took in the sight of her as she wrapped her robe around herself. Her short and purple hair surprised him. He'd always favored long hair. Hers had always looked silky soft and he longed to tangle his fingers in her hair.

Rachel didn't know why she decided to get up. She thought she'd heard a car in the driveway but then nothing else. She figured it was probably her imagination. She was being paranoid thinking someone was at her house. Looking out the window, she didn't see anything. Rachel decided to check for any messages. Nothing. She didn't know how long it took to fly to Las Vegas.

Since she was awake, should she stay up? Flopping on the sofa, she pulled out her phone, Rachel thought she'd try to find out something about her stepsister. She couldn't find much other than she was around her own age. That was strange. Maybe she should look up Laura again?

Rachel was startled awake. She didn't know when she'd fallen asleep. Was that a car in the driveway? Would they have come home? Did something go wrong? She put her phone in her robe pocket and went to check on things. Again, no one was there. Why did she keep thinking someone was there?

Wrapping her robe tight around her, she opened the door to make sure no one was there. The driveway was empty. Tonight, the street was quiet and the houses were dark except for porch lights. In a few nights, that wouldn't be the case. There'd probably be a few New Year's Eve parties.

Yawning, Rachel decided she must have been dreaming. Seeing that it was just after midnight, Rachel decided she should go back to bed. She was still a little worried about not hearing from her father but there wasn't much else she could do. She checked for messages again, still nothing.

Unexpectedly, Rachel got an odd feeling. She kind of felt like someone was watching her. She didn't know from where that feeling came. She'd never been afraid to be alone. In fact, she often preferred it. Shivering, she made sure her robe was wrapped tight around her. Unable to shake that insecure sensation, Rachel reached into her robe pocket making sure her phone was still there.

To ease her mind, she re-checked the doors to make sure they were locked. Relieved all the doors were still locked, Rachel leaned against the front door and sighed. She chided herself for letting her imagination run wild. A few months ago, back when they were still friends, she shouldn't have let Gar talk her into watching that horror movie marathon.

As Rachel passed the dining room on her way to the stair, she stopped to admire the tree. She was glad she put the lights on a timer so she didn't have to bother with it. She turned to go to the stairs but stopped and looked in the room again. When were the drapes closed? Why were they closed anyway? Confused, Rachel hesitated a moment before entering the room lit only by Christmas lights.

A man's large gloved hand clamped over Rachel's mouth, pulling her against his solid chest. It happened so fast she could only yelp her surprise. Her screams were muffled as her fingers frantically tried to pry off his hand. The more the teen struggled the tighter he held her to his chest. He whispered in her ear, "Calm down and I won't hurt you. I have a message for you."

Rachel's eyes grew large, she knew that voice. It belonged to Slade Wilson.

Panicking, she did the opposite. She fought harder to get away. He tightened his grip. "Listen. I have a message from your father." When Rachel stopped struggling, he continued. "You must have thought you were very clever. You got the authorities on your father's case." Rachel slightly shook her head against his chest. "That's right. You didn't do anything. It was someone else, perhaps someone from your school, who called it in, right?" She slightly nodded that time.

While he spoke, she tried to think of a way to escape. Getting an idea, she hoped it worked. Rachel pretended to pass out and slumped against him. It worked, his grip loosened and she was able to break free. She ran as fast as she could to the front door since that was the closest door.

Just as she got it opened, he slammed it shut. He spun her around. His hand clamped over her mouth again. He towered over her petite frame. Rachel glared up at him. "Mmph!"

"Aw, what's with all this animosity?"

"Mmpet! Detmidoedumstertt!"

"Hmm, such ugly words from such a lovely young mouth."

"Mstertt! Detmorendzuv mi! Detmidoe!"

"You know, you really should learn to control your anger. I guess you got that from your father." She glared up at him. "If you promise not to scream, I'll take my hand off." Rachel nodded and he slowly removed his hand form her mouth.

Rachel tried to put on a brave face but she was terrified. "What are you doing here?"

Seeing the fear in her eyes, he grinned. Like Trigon, Slade liked knowing he could make her fear him. "Like I said I have a message for you from your father."

"He'd never do anything like that. He warned me to stay away from you."

"Perhaps that was so then, but this was now. He's changed his mind." Slade took off his gloves and ran his hand along the edge of her short hair. "I like the new look. Purple's a good color for you."

Rachel shrunk back from him and growled, "Don't touch me."

Slade took a step back but placed his hands against the door on either side of Rachel's head. "Was this really any way to treat a guest in your house?"

Feeling trapped, Rachel searched for a way out of this situation. Maybe she could stall him but who would come to scare him away? Could she call the police? "You're not a guest here. You were never invited here. I never let you in. You broke in. Leave now and I won't tell anyone." She hoped she sounded braver than she felt.

"My dear, I did no such thing. Did you hear breaking glass? Did you notice anything out of the ordinary when you where checking the house? Of course not. As for having an invitation ..." He pulled a key out of his pocket, "I consider this key your father gave me as an invitation."

Rachel's eyes grew large seeing the key. Why would her father do that? Why would he give HIM a key?

Answering her thoughts, he said, "Your father needed me to give you a message. He'd do it himself but after that stunt you pulled, he can't do a thing to you."

"What do you want?" Rachel pressed herself against the door trying to keep her distance from him.

"Like I said, your father has a message for you. He needs you to know who's in control around here. I believe his exact words were, 'I need that little bitch to know I'm still in control.' Obviously he can't do anything with the authorities watching him." He chuckled as he slowly paced in front of her. Rachel wished she wasn't wearing a t-shirt and shorts under her robe. "I do admit it was pretty clever for you to get someone to call it in."

"I didn't do anything."

"Well, that may be so, but according to your father, you still need to be punished." He stopped in front of her. "Now, what should be your punishment?"

Rachel frantically searched for a way out. "What are you going to do, beat up a girl because her father said to that? I always thought you were your own man." She slowly and carefully pulled her phone from her pocket. She hoped she could get some help. "If your plan was to scare me, it worked," she admitted. "I got the message. I won't do anything. I never wanted that to happen in the first place. Please, just leave and I won't tell anyone you were here."

Slade saw the slight movement at her side. She had a phone. She was calling for help. He couldn't let her do that. He grabbed Rachel's wrist. Wrenching the phone from her hand, he threw against the wall, smashing it. He grabbed a fistful of Rachel's hair and pulled her head back. Rachel frantically tried to free herself. He sneered as she grimaced in pain. Slade growled in her ear, "That was a stupid move. Thought you were smarter than that."

Rachel didn't know what he was going to do but she knew she had to fight. She kicked Slade's shin. It wasn't very hard but it was enough to get him to let go of her hair. Since Slade blocked the front door, Rachel had to make it to the back door to get away. She ran into the now darkened dinning room. She cried out when Slade grabbed for her. He didn't get her but her robe. Trying to pull her to him, he tugged on the robe. That didn't work. Rachel squirmed out of her robe. However, as she did that, she stumbled. That gave Slade the opportunity to grab her. "If you don't stop, I'll have to hurt you."

Rachel screamed as he shoved her against the wall. She hated that his hands were on her, even if it was only her shoulder and waist. She tried to push him away but he was so strong. Rachel writhed, trying to escape. "Let me go!"

"Now, why should I do that?" Rachel froze when Slade's hand, that was on her waist, moved slightly. As she was struggling, her t-shirt had shifted some. His thumb and a few fingers were on her bare waist. She shuddered feeling his hand on her bare skin.

Seeing the way he looked at her, the hatred in his eyes, anger bubbled up in her. Rachel remembered how her father had warned her to stay away from him. She remembered that night when Slade tried to kiss her. She remembered the night Slade helped her but all night she was terrified of what he'd do.

He moved his hand some more. It was still on her waist but it was now mostly under the hem of her shirt. She might be terrified but she wouldn't let him hurt her in any way.

"No!" growled Rachel as she swung her arm to slap him.

Slade caught her wrist before her hand made contact. Rachel went to slap him with her other hand but he caught that one too. He tightly held each of her wrists.

Rachel hissed, "No! Let …go!"

"Are you always this defiant? No wonder your father asked for my help."

She tried to break free but he was too strong. Biting pain came from her wrists. Rachel groaned in agony. Writhing, she strained to free herself from his unyielding grip.

With her eyes squeezed shut as she struggled, she didn't notice how his eyes skimmed her teenaged body. She didn't see the grin that appeared as he continued, "I was only supposed to scare you, make sure you know not to challenge your father."

Rachel's eyes flew open, shocked, when Slade moved her arms above her head. He held both of her wrists in one hand, causing her to squirm more. She let out a shaky breath, trying to control her breathing. She needed to stay calm enough to find a way out of this situation. Rachel flinched when he tenderly stroked a finger along her cheek. A shiver went down her spine. It wasn't a thrill but terror that filled her. "I was going to let you go without much of a punishment, just scare you, but not now."

Rachel cried out no as she shook her head. She silently pleaded with him to let her go.

She struggled harder to free herself as his free hand hovered over her t-shirt. She gasped when his hand grazed her chest. She prayed that someone would hear her screams and save her.

Slade leaned closer to her and whispered in her ear, "I warned you."

The terrified teen tried to shrink away from him as he frisked her chest. Fabric was between her body and his hand but Rachel still hated his touch. She could've worn twenty sweatshirts but that wouldn't be enough for Rachel not to feel disgusted. "Stop! Get your hands off of me!"

Ignoring her cries for him to stop, he continued to grope and paw at her. Tears stung her eyes and she shuddered as he manipulated her body. She didn't want that. She didn't want him.

Rachel tried to knee him but he pressed his body against hers, preventing her from doing that. Rachel hated that their bodies were so close to each other. "Get your hands off me!" she growled.

"Hm, don't like that? Maybe you'll like this?" He pulled his hand from her chest and slipped it between her legs.

"N…!"

"Silence!" He took his hand from Rachel's wrists and clamped it over her mouth, muffling her screams. "We can't have anyone knowing about our little secret, can we?"

Again, his hand was touching her through her clothing and she hated it.

No! This shouldn't be happening!

Rachel tried to shake him off but she was no match for him. Her muffled screams for him to stop did nothing to hinder him. She tried to wriggle away from his prying hand as he moved aside the hem of her shorts. Why had she chosen to wear shorts? Why couldn't she have worn pajama pants? Why couldn't she have stayed in her locked bedroom?

As his hand slithered further into her shorts, he chuckled softly and whispered in Rachel's ear, "The other girl wasn't this challenging. I do believe she wanted it, even though she struggled some at first. I think by the time we were done, she liked it. She's about your age. Perhaps she's one of your friends?"

Rachel shuddered under his touch. Has he forced himself on someone else? She did not want this. His touch made her skin crawl.

No! This shouldn't be happening!

Uncomfortable didn't begin to describe what Rachel was feeling. She hated that his hand was where it shouldn't be. His hand felt rough against her delicate flesh. She squeezed her legs together, trying to keep him away. But that only kept his hand where she didn't want it.

Rachel did all she could to push him away. She hit and scratched but it wasn't enough. She tried to push his hand away from her body. He still covered her mouth but her eyes pleaded with him to stop. He didn't care. Much like her father, he liked seeing her pain and fear. He needed to see that. He seemed to thrive on her distress.

She squeezed her eyes shut, her face contorting in pain as her body fought against the intrusion. Rachel didn't want this. She'd never felt so violated. She felt so humiliated.

She couldn't believe she'd actually enjoyed it when Jason did that to her. But Jason was tender and caring. Jason had wanted her to feel pleasure and that night, she did. But not now, not with this monster's hand where it shouldn't be. He didn't care about what she wanted, that was oblivious. If he had an ounce of humanity in him, he wouldn't be doing this to her

Rachel shivered and whimpered. She was scared, tense and in pain. He wasn't gentle as he groped her intimate skin. She shook her head, both to try to free herself and to express her refusal to do this.

"Relax, I'll make you feel good," He whispered in her ear. "With practice, you'll learn to like this."

On Rachel's face, anger and determination mixed with her fear and pain. She would not give into him. She would not give him the reaction he wanted. She fought harder. She fought like her life depended on it. For all she knew, it did. Rachel hit as hard as she could.

He cried out when she made contact. He still had Rachel trapped against the wall but he pulled his hand from her shorts. Rachel was relieved for that but why wouldn't he let her go?

Trembling, Rachel prayed that he wouldn't do anymore, that he'd let her go. Suddenly, he stopped moving. He was silent. He didn't remove his hands from her mouth or waist but he was motionless. Why did he stop? Was he going to let her go?

Rachel silently begged that he'd let her go. She silently promised she wouldn't tell anyone if only he'd let her go. Since he wasn't doing anything but holding her to the wall, she took that opportunity to struggle free.

Hearing a noise, she turned her head enough to see the door. She saw why he stopped. She too froze. Her father was standing in the doorway. How long had he been standing there? What was he doing here? Wasn't he supposed to be in Las Vegas with Laura getting married? Rachel gasped in surprise and burned with shame. She never wanted anyone, especially her father, to see her like that, with that monster's hands on her. However, Rachel was relieved because her father would rescue her.

"Trigon?" It was Laura. She was calling from the front door. When had they showed up? Why were they there? Why didn't they help her? "I got my grandmother's necklace. Come on, let's go."

Leave? They were leaving?

"Trigon, _mon cher_ , the driver is waiting for us." Laura showed up behind Trigon. Laura glanced into the dark room but didn't seem to notice anything was wrong. She put her hand on his shoulder and pulled on him slightly. "Come on, let's go."

Rachel's eyes grew large with terror as Trigon turned to leave. He wasn't going to save his daughter? Even though the light of the foyer only lit the room, he had to have seen that she was in danger.

Terrified, Rachel thrashed and screamed for their help but his hand muffled her screams. Rachel's heart dropped when she heard Laura's light laughter and a bottle clank. Was he too drunk, were they too drunk to care? They heard a door slam shut as Trigon and Laura left.

Tears seeped out of her eyes as she stared at the empty doorway. Her father wasn't going to save her? Again, he caressed her cheek, "Shh, we don't need them."

No one was going to save her. She had to do what she could to save herself. Once again, she tried to free herself. She fought. Rachel fought like her life depended on it. For all she knew, it did. She hit as hard as she could and scratched his face.

"Bitch!" He let go of her. He covered his eye. "You'll pay for that."

Rachel cowered from him as he raised his hand to strike her. But he didn't hit her. Rachel looked up at him. His face was bleeding. She didn't know what she did but she'd hurt him. She knew by his expression she had to get out of there. This time she knew her life depended on her getting away.

Before Rachel could react, he grabbed her. She screamed as he slammed her against the table, knocking over some chairs. "No! Let me go!" Ignoring her, he held her down to the table. Rachel glared over her shoulder at him. "Get off me! Please! Let me go!" She tried to attack him but he was out of her reach.

Grabbing her wrists, he twisted her arms and pinned them to her back. After what he just did, she hated that he was so close to her. She hated that his hands were on her. She tried to break free but he was too strong. She writhed underneath him, trying to escape. Rachel screamed, "Let me go!"

He let go of her wrists but still kept her pinned to the table. One of his hands traveled down her body, making Rachel to squirm more. "I'm going to show you what happens to little girls who don't behave." In a swift movement, he dropped her shorts to the floor. He leaned against her and whispered in her ear, "Like I said, you were warned."

" _NO! STOP! HELP! SOMEBODY HEL...!_ " Rachel tried to claw and crawl across the table. She pushed over the ostentatious floral arrangement Slade had sent Trigon for the holidays.

"Silence!" He clamped his hand over her mouth, muffling her screams. "Remember we can't have anyone learn about our little secret. Although, who do you think people would believe if you told them about tonight?"

Rachel trembled. If she couldn't free herself then she had to stop him. She couldn't let him do what she feared he'd do. Rachel squeezed her legs together. She couldn't let him hurt her anymore than he already had.

With nobody around to stop him, he continued. He sneered at her thrashing beneath him. "This was going to happen. And no matter what you wish ..." He pushed his knee between her legs.

She pressed her legs tight against his leg. She couldn't let him hurt her. She had to fight him.

He wedged his other knee between her legs, spreading them apart some.

No!

"...no matter how you squirm ..." He unzipped his pants.

She violently shook her head against his hand that was on her mouth. It was bad enough that his hand was t _here_ but she did not want _this._

NO!

"...there's nothing you can do to stop it."

NO! Please! _NOOO_!

Searing, vision blurring pain shot through her, eliciting a scream that turned soundless. Her body convulsed. The pain was unlike anything Rachel had felt before. It was worse than any of her father's beatings. The consuming pain felt like alcohol on a thousand paper cuts. She felt as if her soul had been torn from her. He was tearing her in half.

Rachel was too tense. She wasn't ready. She didn't want him. It was too much for her unprepared body. She let out a muffled scream as she shuddered. She hated the intrusion. She'd never felt anything like that. Who could do this to somebody? Why? Why did he do this to her?

Rachel shuddered. She hated the intrusion. She was disgusted by the invasion. She squeezed her eyes shut as he started to move. Rachel was so terrified.

She'd stopped fighting to get away. It was pointless; she'd already lost. This shouldn't be happening! Rachel trembled violently. She was repulsed by what was happening. She felt so obscene, so cheap. She felt as if she'd been reduced to nothing but a whore to him. Wasn't that what she was? He got what he wanted but she paid the price.

Since Rachel had given up and wasn't fighting him, he removed his hand from her mouth. His hand from her mouth, slowly traveled down her body and he gripped her by her hips. "Not so defiant now, are you?" Unrestrained, he furiously slammed into her.

Rachel couldn't believe she'd wanted to do something like this with Jason. Hadn't she been excited to have sex few months ago? At the moment, she couldn't remember why she was excited about having sex. Jason was always so romantic and sexy. That night in Hamilton, she was so disappointed to not lose her virginity. Why was she so eager to stop being a virgin? Just so she could be like everyone else?

However, there was nothing even slightly sexy or romantic about what was happening in that room. It was raw, vulgar and violent. Rachel never wanted anything to do with him, especially nothing as horrible as this. She was sure she could already feel the bruises forming. Why would anyone do this to somebody? Again, Rachel had to wonder why she had been in such a hurry to lose her virginity.

Eyes squeezed shut couldn't stop the tears. Silently, tears streamed down Rachel's face. She didn't have a choice. He took her virginity. It wasn't that Rachel thought her virtue was so precious but it should've been her choice, her decision. She should've had a say in who she lost her virginity to. Instead, this monster seemed to take great pleasure in destroying all of her innocence.

Despite the excruciating pain, Rachel couldn't scream. She only had enough energy to whimper her protests. Her tight fists dug her fingernails into her palms. Tears streamed from her clenched eyes.

This shouldn't be happening!

Her first time wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be sweet and gentle; with someone she loved. It was supposed to be with someone who loved her. It least, her first time shouldn't be with someone who hated her. She'd never have another first time. Rachel choked back a sob.

Hearing her broken sobs, he gruffly said, "What's with the waterworks? Are you not getting as much enjoyment from this as I am?"

"S-st-op!" Was all she could hoarsely croak.

He scoffed at her pleas as he continued. What he was doing to her was so wrong. Rachel was disgusted by everything. She never wanted anything like this.

Rachel tried to focus on anything, trying to get her mind to escape. She needed to escape, even if it was only her mind that escaped. It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The broken teen, focusing on the now unlit tree, she tried to steady her breathing. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out everything. Rachel slowly began to distance herself from the vile act. The agonizing pain was now more like a constant ache. It was something she could handle right then. She knew she'd hurt later, but she needed to survive the moment. She needed to survive.

He seemed to sense that Rachel was distancing herself. "No, you don't. You're not getting away that easily. You need to know who's in control." He slammed his body harder against hers, producing the scream he desired. Now he knew her mind and body were there. She was his. They were forever connected. They were both changed by this horrific act.

Forced into the moment, Rachel hoarsely cried out as he pounded into her. Her body was tender, bruised and broken. As his pace increased and became erratic. Rachel's heart beat wildly. It was beating so fast, she was afraid she'd have a heart attack. Rachel was scared of that happening but welcomed it if it did. That would mean she could escape from this horrible nightmare.

Rachel cried and gulped for air as he thrust erratically. She felt so ashamed as he gripping her hips. She didn't, she couldn't stop him. He dug his fingers into her, leaving bruises. Rachel screamed as he finished. Rachel's stomach turned. What did he just do?

What seemed like hours to Rachel, had only been several minutes. Weak, due to the pain and fatigue, she faded in and out of consciousness. Shivering violently, she wondered why couldn't that have happened earlier. If she'd passed out, then maybe she wouldn't be so tormented.

Before blacking out completely, a thought crossed her mind, what did she do to deserve that?

He felt Rachel's body go limp as she fainted. "Trigon shouldn't have any trouble controlling his lovely daughter now. Although, if he does have trouble with her, I wouldn't mind having another opportunity such as this." Backing away from her, Rachel collapsed to the floor. "Oh, and happy new year."

When Rachel came around, she was alone. Thank God, he was gone. She didn't know how long she had been out. She didn't think she'd been unconscious too long. She was still trembling. She laid on the floor a moment, not able to move. Rachel looked through her hair that had fallen over her eyes. Th-that didn't just happen?

As she started to move, pain shot through her body telling her otherwise. Nooo!

She felt disgusting, realizing she was lying on the floor half-naked. Her skin burned with shame. She thought about her father leaving. How could he ...why did he do that? Why wouldn't he help her? Why did he leave his daughter with that bastard?

Rachel saw her robe on the floor next to her. Gingerly, Rachel used one arm to prop herself up. It hurt to reach for it but she needed it. Carefully Rachel wrapped her robe around herself. She felt her heart beating wildly again. She started to get up but stopped. Her muscles protested every move but she knew she had to get away. What if he was still in the house? With much effort, Rachel was able to stand up. She tried to push aside the wave of revulsion coming over her as she pulled up her shorts. She didn't want to think of why she was sticky between her legs.

With wobbly legs, Rachel crept out of the room. She shivered violently because of fear and anguish. She was shaking so hard, her teeth were chattering. She could barely make it to the powder room before her legs gave out. She gave herself a moment, kneeling in front of the vanity, before trying to stand up again. Refusing to look at herself in the mirror, Rachel splashed her face with cold water.

Rachel felt dirty and disgusting. She wanted to take a shower, to try scour him off her. However, the need to get away was almost greater. She had to get out of the house.

She was grateful she didn't get a chance to finish her laundry. Some of her clothes were still in the laundry room. She was also grateful the laundry room was across from the powder room. Discarding her robe, Rachel carefully put on some clothes, any clothes, over her pajamas. Doing that took much effort. She was exhausted but she needed to leave. She stumbled out of the house into the drizzly night. Rachel had no idea where she was going. She just knew she had to get away, away from him, away from that house.

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 **Okay, so ..., comments are welcome.**


	27. Chapter 27:Tourniquet

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

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 **Disclaimer: Seriously, I don't own anything, not the Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics**

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 **Chapter 27 Tourniquet**

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 **"I'm … / … too lost?" - Tourniquet, Evanescence**

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A nurse with strawberry blonde hair walked up to the nurses' station in the ER. She put away a chart before she asking, "So, Gina, what are your plans for New Year's Eve?"

A full-figured nurse answered her, "I don't know, Sheila. I was thinking about going out but I don't wanna go out on my own."

"What happened to Christopher? Aren't you still seeing him?"

"Yes, I'm still seeing Christopher," Gina rolled her mahogany eyes, "but I've been seeing him for what seems like forever. I wanna have fun New Year's Eve and right now, Christopher's no fun. Besides, he has to work. What about you? What're you gonna do?"

"I was gonna go to a party with a friend but now she can't make it. Hey, why don't we go out and have some drinks. I turned twenty-one last month, so it'll be fun."

"Yeah, that'd work."

Sheila called over to another nurse, "Hey, Katie, wanna go out with Gina and me for some drinks on New Year's Eve?"

Katie sighed, "I'd love to go but I don't have a babysitter for my son. My mom's out of town."

The three were disappointed. Gina got an idea. "My daughter's watching her cousin, Michael. Michael and your son, Caden get along, right?" Katie nodded. "So, why don't you let Gia watch him too?"

"You're sure Georgia won't mind?"

"Nah, she'll be cool with it. Wanna go out with us? We're not gonna go too crazy, just a few drinks." Katie agreed to that.

A doctor in his mid-thirties with dark hair and dark mischievous eyes walked by the counter. Sheila asked, "So, Dr. Owens, what are your big plans for New Year's Eve?"

He gave them a lopsided smile. "Working, of course. I celebrate most holidays a few days later."

Gina laughed, "You just like to spread things out, don't you?"

All joking stopped when the emergency room doors swing open. A teenaged girl stood in the doorway. She took a few tentative steps forward into the room. She jumped slightly when the doors shut behind her. With rain water dripping off of her, she just stared ahead of her. She didn't look at any of them in the ER.

The nurses and doctor knew something was wrong but they didn't know what. They had to find out what was wrong but they knew they had to be careful. A few months ago, someone came to the ER much like this girl. That person was looking for drugs. They'd acted sick then lashed out when no one would give them any drugs. Some nurses and a couple of doctors were hurt, but not seriously hurt. They knew they needed to be careful.

Dr. Owens slowly walked up to the drenched teen. "Do you need help?"

In a barely audible voice, the teen whispered, "Help?"

Dr. Owens couldn't hear her. He got closer to her. He noticed that her eyes were blank and glassy. He wondered if she was on drugs. He repeated, "Do you need help?"

"Help? Help …me?"

He didn't know if she was just repeating him but he was sure she did need help. He was now arms length away from her. He saw that her skin was very pale. She looked like she wasn't much older than sixteen. "I'm going to help you over here so we can see how to help you."

Dr. Owens carefully reached out to the teen's arm. Whatever was holding the teen up, the spell was broken when the doctor touched her sleeve of her hoodie. The teen swayed. Her eyes rolled back and she started to collapse.

The doctor and nurses hurried to her. Since Dr. Owens was closest to her, he caught her, breaking her fall. However, the force of the teen falling, knocked him down the floor. He cradled the unconscious teen in his arms. "Get a gurney over here!"

He took her pulse while waiting for the gurney. Her pulse seemed slow. She was so cold and wet. He'd had a patient similar to this. That patient had been pulled from the bay. Is that what happened to this girl? If so, how did she get to the hospital on her own? No one had come in with her. No one was coming in looking for her. In his arms, she shivered. He skin was cold and clammy. She could be suffering from hypothermia. He couldn't help wondering what happened to her.

With the gurney there and the nurses' help, Dr. Owens carefully stood, lifting the teen. Placing her on the gurney, he noticed for the first time, that her hair looked dark purple.

"Let's go to exam room three."

There, they moved the motionless teen to a hospital bed. They stared checking her vital signs. "Her pulse is a little slow and her temperature is cooler than I'd like. Get her out of these wet clothes. We need to get her warm. And of course, check for any ID." Dr. Owens checked on other patients while the nurses removed the drenched clothing and drew some blood.

While changing the unconscious teen, the nurses found evidence of abuse. She had scars on her arms and bruises forming on her wrists. Continuing the task of changing her to a hospital gown, they discovered signs of something more sinister.

"Dr. Owens," Sheila stopped him in the hallway, "The unconscious girl in exam room three, it seems she was attacked" She explained as they went to the adolescent's bed. "There are contusions and lacerations on her wrists. There are also contusions forming around her lips as if someone was covering her mouth."

They went over to the bed were the teen laid. She was now wearing a hospital gown and under a warming blanket. The doctor noticed that dark bruises forming on her pale slender wrists. He also saw the white scars going up one arm. He knew that wasn't done recently. Again, he wondered what she's been through.

Katie joined them. In a hushed tone, she said, "It's worse than we thought. I'm afraid she's been assaulted. She has external signs of trauma."

"Damn." He looked down at the teen. She reminded him a little of his kid sister in Seattle, minus the bruises and scars, of course. Sometimes he hated his job. "Gina, anything back on the blood work for our Jane Doe?"

"Nothing yet. I can call and check again."

Dr. Owens swore under his breath, then said, "Do that and bring in a rape kit."

As Gina set up the supplies, she voiced her thoughts. She had a similar opinion as the others. "How could someone hurt this baby girl? Someone should cut off that guy's …"

"Gina!"

"What? I was gonna say, someone should cut off that guy's arm and beat him with it. But, hey, what you were thinking works too."

They were ready to do the exam but Dr. Owens wanted to ask a female doctor to do the exam. He needed someone he trusted who wouldn't question him too much. Finding who he was searching for, Dr. Owens went up to that doctor. "Hey, Hillary, do you have some time?"

Dr. Hillary Jones nodded. "Sure, Sam, what did you need?"

He sighed before he spoke. He hated asking for help. "Would you please do a pelvic exam on a patient of mine?"

"Yeah, I can do that but why can't you?"

He explained the situation. He had the ability to do such an exam but didn't think he should. If they were right about what the teen had been through, he didn't want to traumatize her further by having her wake up midway through the exam.

They'd prefer to do such an exam with a conscious patient. They needed to ask the patient questions. But that wasn't always the case. Dr. Jones and a couple nurses did the exam. One nurse took scrapings from under the teen's fingernails. There might be a chance of finding out who hurt her. They took pictures of the bruises on her lips and wrists. They continued the exam hoping to be able to find out who did this to her.

Everyone in the room, understood that the teen could've had consensual but rough sex. However, the evidence didn't point to that. The teen had injuries coinciding with a brutal assault. The women doing the exam hated the man who hurt this young girl.

While Dr. Jones preformed the exam, Dr. Owens tried to find out what he could about the traumatized teenager in the ER room. With no ID, it'd be nearly impossible unless someone was looking for her. A call to the police got him nowhere. No one had been reported missing. At least, not one close to the teen's description.

Dr. Owens stood outside exam room three, waiting for the results. When the door opened, he looked up, hoping they were wrong. "Hillary?"

She gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry, Sam, but your Jane Doe has been assaulted. She's still unconscious. Did you find out anything?"

"Damn." He'd wanted to be wrong. He slammed his hand against the wall. Even though he wanted to hide his anger, he couldn't contain it.

Sometimes, Sam Owens had the reputation of not caring. He was a good doctor but some thought he could be heartless at times. He didn't give a second thought to tell anyone, nurses, another doctor or patients and their families, if they were wrong. He wasn't often tactful when he corrected someone. Some of the nurses thought he was sometimes insensitive with the patients and their families. At the moment, however, Dr. Jones saw how much he was concerned about that unconscious teen. If he didn't care, he would have done the exam himself. He also wouldn't be this shaken by the results.

He ran a hand through his hair as he sighed. "Sorry. I know I shouldn't …"

"Don't worry about it. I understand. Did you learn who she is?"

"No, nothing. No one seems to be looking for her. I did learn that there are no drugs in her system."

"Well, guess that's someth…"

"Code blue! ER, exam room three! Code blue!"

Dr. Jones stopped to listen tof the code. That was Dr. Owens mystery patient. The two doctors ran back into the room, alarms were going off. There was a flurry of activity.

"I can't get a pulse!"

BEEEEEEEP

"Starting chest compressions." Dr. Owens hated having to put his hands on the teen's chest but he had no choice if she was going to live.

"She's not responding."

Dr. Owens looked at the clock. They needed to hurry. He was glad Dr. Jones was there. Not that the nurses couldn't help him but maybe she could help him figure out what was wrong. Dr. Jones took over the chest compressions as Dr. Owens studied her monitor. Why was she coding?

After a few minutes, Dr. Owens stepped back in. Everyone nervously looked from the girl to the monitor to the clock. If they didn't get this girl's heart beating again and soon, she wouldn't make it.

"Damn it! Don't die on me!" demanded Dr. Owens as he continued CPR. "Come on, sweetheart, fight! You have to fight to live. Come on, girl, don't let the bastard who did this to you win! Fight! Live! Live so you can throw his sorry ass in jail."

BEEP – BEEP – BEEP

"I've got a slight pulse."

The teen sharply took in a breath of air. Still unconscious, her breathing slowly returned to normal.

"Her BP's rising."

"Her pulse is steady."

Exhausted, Dr. Owens ran his hand through his hair. Everyone in the room was relieved. For the time being, she was going to be okay.

Dr. Owens brushed a strand of dark purple hair off the girl's forehead. He gave her a sad smile. "Somehow, I knew you were a fighter."

They continued to monitor her vital signs. Even though she was still not awake, everything was returning to normal.

* * *

Rachel started to wake up. She quietly groaned. Everything hurt. Every fiber of her being ached. What happened?

She heard strange sounds, beeping and voices. Some of those voices came from far away, like on an intercom. She couldn't be at school. The voices, beeping, something wasn't right. Rachel tried to figure out things.

Rachel tried to open her eyes but her eyelids were so heavy. Slowly opening her eyes, she noticed she was in a hospital. Either she was in an accident or her father did a real number on her. It couldn't have been her father. She knew he'd never take her to a hospital after a beating.

She lifted her hand to rub her aching, throbbing head but couldn't. It took too much effort. Her arms felt like they were made of lead. Only lifting her arm and few inches was too much. She had to drop her arm back to her side.

Hearing that, Gina turned to see Rachel was waking up. Gina gave her a warm smile. "Hi, sweetie. You're okay. I'm going to get the doctor."

When the doctor and nurse came into the room, Rachel's eyes were searching the room. She was searching for her father. She was afraid of what he'd do when he found her there. The doctor went over to the bed. "Hi, I'm Dr. Sam Owens. You're in the hospital …" The beeping of the heart monitor revealed her panic. "…but don't worry. You're going to be all right. How are you feeling? Can you tell me what hurts?"

Rachel groaned. She was justly aware that her throat and mouth were dry. She tried to lick her dry, chapped lips before speaking but it didn't help. Rachel croaked out, "Every…thing" She was surprised by how gravelly her voice sounded. She didn't sound like herself at all. That one word scratched across her sore throat. What could have happened?

Dr. Owens shined a light in her eyes. He checked her pulse and other vital signs. While he did that, Rachel watched the door, dreading seeing her father. "Do you remember what happened?" The doctor pulled her attention away from the door. Rachel cautiously shook her head no. "That's okay. You've probably been through a lot. We'll give you something for the pain."

Rachel watched the nurse inject the painkillers into her IV. Soon, Rachel began feeling groggy. Painkillers seemed to have that effect on her. As she fell asleep, one thought crossed her mind again, what happened?

Dr. Owens and Gina exchanged concerned glances over the sleeping girl. They knew some of how she's suffered. They wondered if it would be better for her if she never remembered.

* * *

《ITALICS BEGIN》

 _Rachel suddenly feels the need to run. Danger is nearby. Rachel feels a sense of urgency and panic. She doesn't know why she's feeling this. She's alone and that has never bothered her before. Looking around, she sees nothing out of the ordinary._

 _Needing to escape, Rachel runs through the city. The people don't even notice her. She feels like someone's following her. She turns to look over her shoulder; nothing's there. Turning forward, she's now running through a forest. Scared and confused, Rachel wonders what is happening._

 _She's tired but she has to keep running. Someone is following her. She doesn't know who or why. She turns around when she hears a noise behind her. Again, nothing._

 _She comes across a house in the forest. She's never seen this house but it feels familiar. It feels safe and something's telling her to go inside it. She knocks on the door. There's no answer but the door swings open slightly. She enters the house even though nobody's home. She can't shake that this house feels like a safe haven._

 _Rachel's looking around the house, things seem normal. She sees a crack in the wall. When she runs her finger along the crack, it starts to break apart, until there's a hole in the wall. She's afraid but she's also curious. She looks inside the small hole. She's surprised; it looks like it's another house. How could there be a house inside the walls of her house?_

 _Rachel carefully works away at the hole until it's large enough for her to fit through. She climbs through the hole, entering the hidden house. It looks nothing like her old house but it reminds her of it. There are things, toys, from her childhood. Dust filtered sunlight shines through the windows of the hidden house. How is that possible? How does a house inside another house get sunlight? Nobody's around but there's a TV on. What's going on? What does this mean? She continues to look around. Everything looks normal. Hearing voices that sound familiar, she goes to investigate. She peaks her head around a corner. A hand clamps down on her shoulder. She screams._

* * *

Rachel's eyes flew open. She was awake. It was just a dream. She was safe. Rachel remembered she was in a hospital. How safe was she if she ended up in a hospital? What happened? Why couldn't she remember?

When Rachel stared to roll onto her side, her muscles protested. Everything hurt: her legs, arms, sides, back, stomach, head and throat. She felt as if she'd done a triathlon five times in a row. Even her fingernails hurt.

Finally, after some effort, Rachel laid on her side. She clutched her abdomen as she felt a major cramp. It was worse than she'd ever had before. What was wrong? Was there something wrong with her? Was she sick or something? Did she pass out at school? Did they bring her here? If that had happened, they would have called her father. Rachel wondered if her father beat her so bad that he had to drop her off at the hospital? What happened? Why didn't she remember?

Eyeing the new bruises on her arm, Rachel caught sight of the ID bracelet. It had 'Jane Doe' instead of her name. Whispering to herself, Rachel tried to figure things out, "That means they don't know who I am. I wasn't at home or school when I passed out. So what happened?" She was still trying to figure out what why she was there when a nurse came into the room.

"Oh, you're awake. How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?"

Rachel hoarsely said, "Everything hurts but I don't want anything for it. I don't like how the painkillers make me feel. I feel so groggy."

Checking Rachel's charts, the nurse said, "Okay, I'll see if I can find something else for you."

"Um, what day is it?"

After the nurse told her the day, Rachel realized she'd missed a day. What could've happened? How could she have lost a day? The nurse broke into Rachel's thoughts, "Press the call button if you need anything. I'll be back in a little while to check on you."

She needed to know what happened to her but she was scared. What ever happened to her was bad. Before loosing her courage, Rachel said, "Wait. Uh, um, could you tell me what happened? Why am I here?"

"I'm sorry, I wasn't on duty when you came in. All I know is you came here and passed out. You were suffering from hypothermia. There were some …complications, but you're doing much better now. I don't know any more. I could send the doctor in."

"No, no, that's okay."

The nurse gave Rachel an encouragi smile. "I'll be in touch check on you soon."

Rachel tried to understand what that new information meant. Complications? What kind of complications? Was it bad enough that she could've died? She's by herself in a hospital. They didn't know her name. What happened? Why couldn't she remember? Think. She had to think. What could've been so horrible that she'd block it out?

She searched her memory for anything that might help. She came home and her father was drunk? No. She was home and he came home drunk? No, that wasn't right. What happened? Laura? Laura was there, wasn't she? Shopping, dresses, clothes, what did that mean? Wedding dress? Married? They're getting married, somewhere, in another state but they weren't taking her with them. She was home alone. She was alone. No she wasn't. Someone, someone was there. But who?

Closing her eyes, Rachel hoped to remember. Bits of memories, flashbacks, flooded her mind: a man grabbing her, her muffled screams, being roughly held down, more muffled screams, his hand where it shouldn't be, searing, vision blurring pain.

Rachel's eyes flew open. Oh God, no. No. No! He, he …nooo! She remembered. She remembered everything. Curling up as much as her aching body would allow, Rachel cried.

When Dr. Owens and the nurse came into the room, Rachel was still curled up on her side but she'd stopped crying. She just stared at the wall. Why did she have to force herself to remember? She hated herself for remembering.

"Hey, they told me you were awake. How are you doing? Need anything or have any questions?"

Not moving, Rachel asked, "When can I go?" She didn't ask about going home. She now hated her home.

"Well, first, we need to know your name."

Rachel stared into space for a moment. "It's Ra…ley. My name is Raley …Johnson. Can I go now?"

"Okay, Raley Johnson." He had a feeling that that wasn't her name but he couldn't force her to tell him the truth. He couldn't force her after what she'd been through. "We're going to need some information. We need to call your parents."

"No. You can't do that."

Dr. Owens eyed her suspiciously, "Why not?" Was this girl a runaway? She remained silent. "Why don't you want us calling your parents? Are you afraid of someone at home?"

She rolled her eyes. "It's nothing like that," she lied. "My mom's gone and my dad's out of town. He'll be out of town until next week."

"Are you staying with anybody? Is there a friend or a family member we can call?"

"No. We just moved here." She lied again. "We don't know anybody. I don't have any other family. It's just dad and me."

"So, you were home alone?" Did that horrible act happen at her home?

She glared at him. "I'm almost sixteen. I don't need a babysitter. I can handle being alone. I'm used to being alone. I'm alone all the time." Rachel inwardly cringed. Obviously she couldn't handle being alone or else she wouldn't be in the hospital in this situation. She thought that's what they were thinking.

Sitting up took a lot of effort from the teen but the nurse helped her. Once sitting, Rachel asked, "What happened?" She didn't know what they knew. Did they know what he did to her?

The adults exchanged a look. "Well, I don't know what happened before you came into the ER. You came here and collapsed. You were unconscious for a while. You were suffering from hypothermia. Your core temperature was very low. We were treating you for that when your …" He stopped for a moment. "You really should have a parent or guardian here when I discuss this with you."

For the first time, Rachel looked Dr. Owens in the eye. When she spoke, her voice was soft but firm. "Please, tell me. It involves _my_ body. I _want_ to know. I can handle it. _Please_?"

He studied the determination on the teen's face. She'd been through so much in the past twenty-four to forty-eight hours. He didn't want to put more on her, but she was right. It involved her body. "All right, I'll tell you. But know that what happened was only because of the distress the cold and rain had on your body. You are fine now and there's no reason to think it will ever happen again. You're sure you don't want us to call someone for you?"

Rachel nodded, "Please, just tell me."

"Okay, Raley, if you're sure?" She nodded again. Dr. Owens continued, "As we were treating you, your heart started to fail. For a brief moment, your heart stopped. It didn't stop long enough to cause any damage. You're fine now. I don't see any reason why it would happen again."

While he was telling her that, he watched her. As he told her about her heart, she put her hand to her heart.

Her …heart …stopped? Could she have died? If it went on too long, she could've died?

"Raley? Raley?" The doctor's voice interrupted her thoughts. She blinked several times, then looked at him. "Raley, you are okay now. You're safe."

"Did I almost die? Could I have died if you couldn't fix things in time?"

"Raley. Look at me." She did. "We had things under control. If we didn't, you might have some lasting complications." He didn't want to tell her that there was a possibility of her dying. "It was a scary moment, but you are fine now. There's no reason you won't live a long life."

Rachel looked down at the hospital ID bracelet she's been toying with. She thought about what the doctor said and what her life's been like. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper, "But I could've died, right? I mean, if things didn't go right, I, I could've died. If that happened, I would've died as a 'Jane Doe', right? Maybe …" She looked away and sighed. She seemed so lost. " …maybe that would've been for the best. I would've just died as Jane Doe and nobody would have to be bothered. My story would've just finished."

Dr. Owens wondered if she remembered what happened to her. "Raley, you are not going to die. And it would matter if you did die. Your family and friends would worry if they didn't know what happened to you, if you just disappeared."

She shook her head. "I don't have any friends. My mother is …dead and my father doesn't want me. He never has. But that doesn't matter. I didn't die."

The doctor watched the teen finger a new bruise on her arm. She didn't seem surprised by the bruise. Has someone roughed her up before? Again, he wondered if she remembered what happened, why she was in the hospital. "Who did that to you? Somebody hurt you. Do you know who it was?"

Their eyes locked for a second. Did he know what happened to her? Did he know that she was raped? Rachel quickly looked down and shook her head. "No, it was just an accident."

He knew that was a lie. Bruises like the ones on her wrists and elsewhere didn't happen by accident. Someone had hurt her. A part of him wanted to push her to reveal more but he knew she might just shut down if he kept questioning her. Frustrated, he sighed, "Okay, I'll check on you later. Get some rest."

Rachel was relieved when the nurse and doctor left. What did they know? Would they call the police? If they did, would someone recognize her? Would they end up contacting her father? Rachel knew she'd get into so much trouble for interrupting their wedding and honeymoon. It wouldn't matter that she was hurting. Rachel thought her father would probably blame her for it anyway. Somehow, everything was her fault.

She had to get out of there, but how? She wasn't wondering through a hospital in just a hospital gown. Rachel's eyes frantically looked around the room. Spotting a dresser, she wondered what was in it. With much difficulty, she climbed out of bed. Walking over to the dresser, she felt the IV line tug. She had to stop. Grabbing the IV stand, she pulled it with her.

Opening the top drawer, she found her clothes, the hoodie and pants, in a plastic bag. She didn't know what happened to her t-shirt and shorts and didn't care. She hated those things. She had to hurry. Somebody could come back anytime.

Rachel took her things to the bathroom. It wasn't easy changing with an IV in her arm but she couldn't unhook that yet. She was afraid if she did, that would alert the nurses that she was up to something. It took longer than she wanted to change, but she was finally ready to leave. It felt so strange wearing nothing underneath her clothes but she had no choice.

Peaking out the door, Rachel checked to see where was. She was in luck, the elevator was nearby. However, the nurses' station wasn't too far from the elevator. She'd have to be careful if she wasn't going to get caught. She wished her hair wasn't purple. It'd be easier to blend in if her hair was a normal color.

Standing by the door Rachel slowly started to pull out the IV. She froze. Alarms were going off at the nurses' station. Was that because of her? She heard announcements on the intercom and footsteps hurrying past her room. Someone else was in trouble. Rachel felt bad for them but was grateful for the distraction. Maybe this way, they wouldn't notice her?

Swearing under her breath, Rachel pulled out the IV. It hurt worse than she'd expected. She peaked out the door again. Nobody was coming. Without looking at anyone, she hurried to the elevator. Waiting for it to open, she repeated in her mind for no one to see her. Finally, the elevator doors opened and she stepped in. So far, so good. As the doors closed, Rachel hoped that whoever the nurses were rushing to help would be alright.

Dr. Owens couldn't stop thinking about Raley, or whoever she was. He couldn't imagine going through something so traumatic and thinking that no one cared about his anguish. He didn't know why she thought nobody cared for her. Was it like she said? Did her father not want her? Had he given up on her or had she run away?

He entered the room but no one was there. The bed was empty. Where was she? He went to the nurses station. "Where's the Jane Doe in room three-eighteen?"

"What do you mean? She's right there."

"No, she's not." They went back to that room. It was empty. No sign of the teen. Dr. Owens checked the bathroom and found the IV. "Damn it! She's gone. I was afraid she'd do something like that."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Review, please.**


	28. Chapter 28: Storm of Sorrow

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Epica or any lyrics**

* * *

 **Chapter 28: Storm the Sorrow**

* * *

 **"Just tell …/…this time" -Storm of Sorrow, Epica**

* * *

Rachel huddled against the wind in the oversized sweatshirt that she "borrowed" from the hospital. The sweatshirt engulfed her petite frame. It looked like it would probably fit Vic. She was surprised that the nurse believed her when she said her older brother left his sweatshirt there over the weekend. She just let Rachel search through the box. She never asked the teen any questions. The hat and scarf that Rachel wore, she stole those. They were in the lost and found so she figured someone forgot about them.

The broken teen slowly walked away from the hospital. Where should she go? She couldn't go to her friends. She didn't have any friends. She'd pushed them away. She'd lied to them and she thought they probably hated her. She knew she hated herself. She's lied so much about her parents, who was going to believe her? She couldn't tell anyone about this. No one would believe …

Rachel looked up surprised. How did she get home? She wasn't thinking about where she was going. She just walked. Should she go to her house? No one would be there. She was relieved. Rachel couldn't deal with her father or Laura. Looking around, she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to be there but she had nowhere else to go.

Reaching into her pocket, she was grateful the nurses hadn't lost her keys. After pulling out the keys, Rachel instantly dropped them. It was almost as if they burned her fingers. Rachel stared at them on the porch. Why would he do that? Why would he send HIM here? Why, why wouldn't he help her? Her father had to see she needed help. He had to see what that monster …

Rachel forced herself to stop. She couldn't finish that thought. Glancing around, she hoped no one saw her just standing there. Quickly grabbing the keys, she unlocked the door. Entering her house, Rachel had a strange sense of dread. It was greater than she's ever felt. This was where _it_ happened.

Refusing to look towards the dining room, Rachel ran up the stairs. She hurried to her bathroom. She desperately needed to cleanse herself. After locking the door, Rachel turned the hot water on full blast. It didn't take long for the small room to fill up with steam. When Rachel tested the water, it was too hot. She turned on the cold water just enough to cool it down some.

Shutting her eyes, Rachel hesitantly stripped off her clothes. She didn't want to lose their protective barrier but she needed to cleanse herself. Inside the shower, the water was still too hot. Goosebumps formed as she adjusted the temperature. She wanted the water as hot as she could stand. Rachel touched the crook of her elbow where the IV was. It was sore and tender from her pulling it out. She wished that was her only pain.

As Rachel washed herself, scrubbed her skin until it was red, she remembered his hands on her. She could practically feel his rough touch. Leaning against the shower wall, with her eyes shut tight, Rachel tried to push the memories out of her mind. She couldn't shake them. Everything bombarded her. Rachel retched several times without bringing anything up. Her whole body trembled with fear and disgust. Her knees suddenly buckled, dropping her down to the base of the tub.

They repulsed her for what they did to her. They stole her innocence and self-worth, her future. Rachel couldn't imagine ever wanting to be with a guy. She'd never have another boyfriend. She'd never get married. She'd never have children. She'd never have a real family. Rachel wept, grieving the loss of her future. She'd never have a chance at being happy. Rachel hated him. She hated him and her father.

Rachel sat huddled in the corner of the tub. The water raining down on her for most of an hour. The tears finally stopped, for now. At the moment, she didn't have any tears left. Rachel didn't know someone could cry so much that there wouldn't be any more tears. The water had been cold for a while before Rachel noticed. She shivered from the cold but didn't want to move. Thinking about what happened at the hospital, about her heart stopping, Rachel slowly and stiffly got up. She didn't want something like that happening again. Turning off the water, she refused to look at herself. She's never cared for the sight of her body but now she hated it. She was repulsed by what happened.

After drying off, Rachel realized she didn't bring any other clothes with her. She didn't want to put on her clothes she wore to and from the hospital. She hated them and wanted to throw them out. Without any other options, the broken teen hastily threw on the oversized sweatshirt and stumbled to her room. After securing the lock on her door, Rachel collapsed on her bed. Exhausted, she brought the edge of the blankets over and around her. She curled up on her side in a trance-like state. She didn't sleep but she wasn't aware of what was going on around her.

A loud noise startled Rachel awake. She didn't realize she'd dozed off. What was that noise? It happened again. It was loud but muffled at the same time. It sounded like …cannons? Rachel wasn't sure. It took her awhile moment to understand that she heard fireworks but why? Peaking out from under her covers, she saw her clock read that it was a few minutes after midnight. Yea, happy new year. Burying herself back under the blankets, Rachel feel asleep listening to the fireworks.

Rachel gradually woke up to birds chirping outside her window. It was morning already? She didn't know when she finally fell soundly asleep. Her muscles ached as Rachel threw back her blankets. Carefully, she swung her bare legs over the side of her bed. For a moment, the fact that she was wearing only a massive sweatshirt surprised Rachel. Why was she just wearing a sweatshirt? She'd never done that before.

Remembering everything, Rachel coiled herself up and submerged under the blankets again. Why did she have to keep remembering? She needed to stop shaking but couldn't. Rachel tried to focus on her uneven breathing. Slowly, she began to calm down. Trying to think of nothing except the sound of her own breathing, Rachel stared at the underside of the blanket.

The shattered teen spent half the day in a fitful sleep. Rachel slowly woke up. Her head throbbed and her shoulder ached due to the angle in which she lay. She told herself she should get up or at least move to lessen the dull pain of her shoulder. However, the soreness seeping from her shoulder blade was a welcome distraction from the rest of the pain she felt. Staying in that same position, Rachel gradually drifted back to sleep.

When Rachel woke up again, she realized she was a little hungry and thirsty. She couldn't remember the last time she had anything. Very slowly, Rachel got out of bed. Opening her door slightly, the teen listened. She heard nothing. They weren't home yet. Good, she thought as she leaned against the door closing it. She didn't want anything to do with then, especially her father.

Even though she was alone, there was no way she would go around the house in just a sweatshirt. It didn't matter that that sweatshirt went halfway down her thighs. Rachel found some of her old clothes that were too loose on her. She hated stripping off the sweatshirt but she needed to get changed. Once dressed, Rachel pulled the "hospital" sweatshirt over her clothes. For some reason, she felt safe in it.

Rachel gasped when she accidentally caught sight of her reflection in her mirror. She fell asleep with wet hair. It dried, sticking out in every direction. Rachel pulled the hood up before existing her room. Timidly, she went down the stairs. It was such a strange sensation to be so afraid of her own house. She couldn't think of this place as a home. She'd left that back in Hamilton.

* * *

In the kitchen, Rachel dunked her head under the faucet. With her hair wet, she ran her fingers through her hair, forcing it down. She knew she didn't look the greatest but she didn't care. Maybe if she was as ugly as she felt, then no one would bother her?

Rachel thirstily gulped down the water. She didn't realize how dehydrated she was but she was drinking too fast. Her stomach couldn't handle so much so fast. Racing to the sink, she threw up the water. After she was done, she splashed cool water on her face. Leaning her head against the granite countertop, she berated herself, "Come on, Rachel, you're smart enough. You know better than that." She knew how to take care of herself after a beating. She slowly drank the water. She didn't think she should be this messed up. But it wasn't just another beating. Her fa… he sent him here. Did he send him here to …do that to her, not just to scare her? Or did that bastard just decide to do what he wanted? Rachel wrapped her arms around herself. Why didn't her fa… he help her? Did he hate her that much?

For the first time, Rachel noticed that there were messages. She went over to the phone. She stared at it. A part of her was afraid of what the message would be. Could someone from the hospital have figured out who she was? Were they calling to tell her father what happened? If someone did call, she could erase the message before anyone else ever heard it.

Rachel tentatively checked the messages. She cringed hearing her father's voice. He sounded so happy. "It's new year's day and we're married. Actually, we got married yesterday. We'll probably be back early next week. If you need anything you can call either of us on our cell phones." That was the only real message. The others were dead air. It was as if somebody hung up without saying anything. Rachel shuddered. Was that _him_? Was _he_ checking on her? Was _he_ watching her now? She looked around. Could _he_ be watching her?

Panicking, Rachel wanted to stay in her room. Gathering several bottles of water and some non-perishable food, she threw those in a bag. Back in her room, worn out, Rachel went back to bed. She didn't even bother to change out of her clothes. Her slumber wasn't very peaceful. It was peppered with nightmares. Each time she was startled awake, she didn't remember the nightmare. She just felt terrified when she opened her eyes.

One time, Rachel woke up in a cold sweat. Sitting up, she rested her forehead on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. Catching a glimpse of her purple hair, Rachel frowned. Why did she ever want purple hair? Its uniqueness now made it hideous.

Rachel jumped out of bed and frantically dug through her closet. She knew she had what she was looking for, somewhere. She checked her desk and dresser. Nothing. Where was it? Clothes, papers and books were everywhere. Rachel decided to check her closet again. She crawled deeper into her closet. Letting out a sigh of relief, Rachel held the bottle tight to her chest. She knew she had a bottle of black hair dye. She got it in case Trigon didn't like her purple hair. He didn't seem to care about it but at that moment, Rachel hated it. She wanted the purple gone.

In the bathroom, Rachel hastily dyed her hair black. Doing it so quickly, she missed some small sections. Rachel looked at her hair in the mirror. Now she had black hair streaked with purple. Most of it was black so it didn't look too bad. She didn't care how it looked. She just didn't want a head of ugly purple hair.

Not wanting to look at herself, Rachel accidentally saw her face. Hating the pain in her eyes, she quickly looked away. She caught sight of the fading bruise near her mouth. That happened when _he_ had _his_ hand over her mouth. That was the beginning of everything. No! No memories! No more memories! Please, no memories.

Rachel raced to her room. Dying her hair exhausted her. How could she be so tired if she'd slept so much? That didn't make any sense. Spotting something that she'd tossed out of her closet earlier, she picked it up. She'd almost forgotten that she still had it. Holding the bunny stuffed animal tight to her chest, Rachel closed her eyes. She thought the last time she slept with a stuffed animal was when she was in kindergarten or first grade. It could've been second grade. She didn't know but everything was simpler and innocent back then. Then again, things were more innocent a week ago. With tears in her eyes, Rachel climbed back into bed with her once forgotten toy. She might be turning sixteen next month, but there were times when a girl needed the comfort of an old childhood friend.

In bed, Rachel wondered what day it was. She tried to figure it out but soon gave up. She groaned ad she rolled onto her side. They'd probably be back soon. She didn't know what she'd do when Trigon and Laura came back. Rachel couldn't bring herself to call him her father. Fathers didn't hurt their daughters like that, even if it was indirectly. She didn't know what to do. Could she run away? But where would she go?

Bells ringing? Knocking? What? Rachel was startled awake by someone ringing the doorbell and knocking on the front door. Confused, Rachel got out of bed. Who pounded on the door in the middle of the night? What's was their problem? Why did they have to ring the doorbell and knock? Exiting her room, the daylight shocked Rachel. Her room was so dark with the drawn curtains and shades that she thought it was nighttime.

Downstairs, Rachel cautiously checked out the side window to see who it was. What was Debbie doing there? Was Rachel supposed to work today? Rachel didn't know. She didn't even know what day it was. Slowly, Rachel opened the door. She looked past Debbie to the street. Could _he_ be out there watching the house?

Debbie let out a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad you answered. I was so worried when you didn't show up at the café. You've never missed work without calling." She stopped when she noticed the dark circles under Rachel's eyes. "Are you alright?"

Rachel self-consciously ran her hand through her hair, trying to tame it. She hoped Debbie wouldn't notice the fading bruises. "I'm sorry. I, uh, I was up all night sick. I meant to call in sick but I guess I fell asleep and forgot. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you."

Debbie didn't think of Rachel as just a co-worker. She was still fond of her even after she and her son broke up. She reached out to touch Rachel's shoulder in a caring way. However, Rachel wasn't paying attention to Debbie. She was frantically searching for any signs of _him_. The gesture was caring but it startled the teen and she recoiled from the hand. The older woman gave her a questioning glance. "Is everything alright?"

Rachel couldn't stand the thought of anyone touching her. Even if it was out of kindness and concern. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to get sick."

"Aw, don't worry about me. I'm concerned about you." At first, Debbie didn't notice how Rachel was looking behind her. The teen seemed to be searching for something or someone. Debbie asked again, "Are you alright? You seem a little jumpy. Do you need me to get you anything?"

Rachel forced herself to look at herself co-worker. "No, I'm fine. I'm …okay. Nothing's wrong," lied Rachel, "My …dad went to the store to pick up some things. He should be back soon."

"Do you want me to wait with you? Like I said, you seem a little jumpy."

Rachel gave Debbie a tight lipped smile. "No, that's okay. Guess you just startled me. I was asleep when you knocked."

"Oh, sorry. Well, okay, if you need anything, don't hesitate to give me a call."

"Thanks, I will." Although, Rachel was sure she wouldn't tell anyone about what she'd been through. "Bye."

Once Debbie left, Rachel leaned against the front door and sighed. She was relieved that Debbie bought her story and didn't question her more than she had. She didn't need her or anyone poking into her life. Rachel's eyes suddenly widen. She was standing in that exact spot the other night. That was were it all started. She nervously turned to the dining room. Rachel tried to swallow down the lump forming in her throat. That was where that _monster_ changed her life.

Full of apprehension, Rachel slowly went into the dining room. She didn't want to go in there but she couldn't help herself. It was like coming across an accident on the interstate. A person couldn't help but to look even if he or she didn't want to look. Rachel felt like she should try to face her fears.

That room was the scene of the crime. Only there wasn't any yellow crime scene tape blocking off areas, trying to preserve evidence. There probably wasn't any evidence left to preserve. There was no signs of a struggle. There was no blood, her blood. The room looked normal. It didn't look like a vile act had happened there. There was no sign that her life had been destroyed.

Rachel desperately wanted to leave that room but couldn't. She was frozen by her fear. The longer she was in that room, he more she could almost see and hear what happened that night. It was as if she saw their ghosts. It was almost as if it was happening again.

"No! Stop it!" Rachel clasped her hands over her ears. Squeezing her eyes shut, she tried to back away from it. "Stop! Stop it! STOP IT!" She backed up into the Christmas tree and screamed. Her senses were overloaded. She didn't know where she was or what was happening. When a get ornaments shattered on the floor, Rachel was shaken out of her daze. She looked around the room. She was alone. No one else was there.

Rachel stared at the tree. Her eyes narrowed. It had always been so beautiful and magical in her eyes. Now, it was tainted, ugly. She hated it. Screaming in anger and frustration, Rachel shoved the tree over, breaking more ornaments.

Nearly hysterical, Rachel grabbed every ornament she could get her hands on. She threw them against the wall. The sound of the ornaments shattering was earsplitting but it was almost pleasing to the broken teen. Rachel hesitated when she picked up a certain ornament. It had been her favorite. Her father gave it to her before her life was hell. She glared down at the shimmering angel in her hand. With more force than the others, she smashes it against the wall. As odd as it might be, it felt a little the being so destructive.

* * *

Rachel was on her bed. She didn't understand why she was so tired. It seemed like all she did was sleep. She felt so betrayed by everyone and everything. She even felt betrayed by her own body. Rachel didn't know why she couldn't have fought him off. Shouldn't her adrenaline have kicked in. Yes, he was larger and stronger than her but wasn't she terrified enough to fight him? Maybe, Rachel wondered, it was her fault? She couldn't stop him. so was it like she let him do that? Is that what people would say if she told someone?

Rachel guiltily ran her finger along the fresh cut on her arm. Why did she do that? Why did she let her emotions get the best of her? She winced. The self-inflicted wound stung. What if the cut was kind of a punishment for tearing down the tree? Rachel shuddered as a thought crossed her mind. Maybe she deserved to have _that_ happen to her? Her fa …Trigon told Rachel all the time that she deserved the bad things that happened to her. He told she deserved the abuse. She's lied so much about her parents, maybe she did deserve punishment for all that she'd done wrong.

With a deep sigh, Rachel got up and went downstairs to clean up the mess. She didn't want to give her father any reasons to punish her even more. Rachel was sure that he wouldn't care that the tree was gone. He never liked it or wanted it. 'Kind of like me,' thought Rachel.

* * *

Rachel hid the last of the Christmas tree and ornaments in the garage. She'd put it out for the trash in the morning. She hoped she'd get it out there before Trigon and Laura came home. Hearing a key in the door, Rachel jumped. No! Not again! HE wasn't back, was he?

She was slightly received to see Trigon and Laura. Her relief didn't last long. Rachel was still terrified of her father, even though he didn't hurt her directly. What kind of monster did that to their own kid? If he didn't want her, couldn't he just send her away like Laura wanted? Rachel didn't realize that she was trembling while she glared at the happy newlyweds.

Neither one noticed Rachel's reaction to them. "What are you doing here? I thought you were spending winter break with a friend." If he expected his daughter to answer, he didn't give her much time before continuing, "I tried to call your cell phone but I couldn't get through. Did you lose it or break it? You should be more responsible. You're old enough to take care of your things."

While Trigon spoke, Rachel had a flashback of _him_ grabbing her and smashing her phone against the wall. When did _he_ clean up things? Did _he_ come back …or was _he_ still in the house? Could _he_ have attacked her again? At the thought of being hurt like that again, especially so soon, when she was so raw, Rachel's stomach churned. She raced to the bathroom and threw up.

Concerned hearing his daughter getting sick, Trigon followed her. When she came out of the bathroom, he surprised her. She didn't think he wanted anything to do with her. "Are you all right?" Rachel shrugged and nodded at the same time. She flinched when he put his hand on her forehead. "Hm, you feel a little warm. You could have the flu? Come on, let's get you settled on the sofa." Trigon got his daughter a blanket as she settled down on the sofa in the family room. Why was he acting so concerned?

Voices startled Rachel awake. She pretended to be asleep as she listened. Trigon and a woman were talking. The woman's voice didn't sound like Laura's voice. Rachel wondered if they woman was a social worker. She remembered something about social services would check on them since her father had been accused of abuse. She heard her father say, "She's my daughter, my only daughter. Why would I want to hurt her in any way?" Rachel couldn't hear the social worker's response. Trigon said, "This has been hard on her. She's been having nightmares. She's afraid of her family falling apart more than it already has."

Rachel wanted to roll her eyes at that comment. She didn't think she had a family anymore. Yeah, she had a new stepmother but her family wasn't real. Her loving father made sure of that. What did he know about nightmares? Thanks to him, his daughter had them constantly. The adults continued to talk. Trigon had all the right answers. He sounded so concerned about his daughter. However, he didn't care about her when he was beating her, so why start now?

After the social worker left, Trigon entered the family room. Rachel still pretended to be asleep. She didn't know if he knew she was awake or not. "You've done everything right, so far. You're pathetic enough to gain sympathy but that's all that will get you. With no signs of abuse, they'll soon give up on you. They'll forget about your accusations and I'll be done with this investigation. I knew I could talk my way out of it. Besides, who were they going to believe, a successful business man or his lying daughter? You should've known better than to take me on. Remember, I promised to make your life a living hell."

Trigon left the room to go find Laura after giving his speech. His daughter continued to be still. Tears seeped out from her lashes. Did he _ever_ career about her?

* * *

Things in the Roth household were normal, at least according to the adults. Not too much changed not that Trigon and Laura were married. The biggest change, and that irritated and disgusted Rachel, was they spent more time in their room. She understood that they were newlyweds but she didn't want to think about that.

Rachel missed a few days of school because she was sick with the flu. She was scared to go back to school. She knew it was ridiculous to be afraid. Nothing should happen at school. Ever since she pushed away her friends, she was been alone. Nobody bothered her. She knew _he_ wouldn't follow her to school. Even if he did, people, not friends but people would be around her. HE couldn't hurt her again. However, Rachel hated the thought of being in such close quarters with so many people.

Trigon dropped her off at school, unaware of his daughter's apprehension. Full of dread, Rachel entered the noisy high school. She tightly clutched to her backpack as her eyes quickly scanned the hallway. Everything was normal. In fact, nobody even noticed her. She made it to her locker without any incidences.

Somebody ran into her. A guy grabbed her by her shoulders to steady her. "Sorry. Didn't see you there." He was gone before Rachel could even react. With a scream frozen in her throat, Rachel tried to keep from breaking down. Her heart was beating wildly and she was visibly shaking. Clutching her books to her chest, she leaned against the lockers as she began to calm down.

She'd hardly be edited in school for five minutes and her nerves were already unraveling. How was she going to survive several more months of that? She hated being around all those people.

With a deep shuddering breath, Rachel went to her first class. She hoped she'd feel a little normal in class.

As she walked to class with her head down, she bumped into someone. The guy turned around. It was Jason. She hadn't really seen him since they broke up. He'd apparently moved on. He had his arm around a girl. He said, "Hey Rachel how was your winter break?"

"I…" Rachel struggled to keep the tears from forming.

He couldn't help but notice that she was upset. He assumed it was because she saw him with his new girlfriend. "Hey," he said concerned, "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

She shook her head and pushed passed them. She quickly said, "I have to get to class."

She heard the girl with Jason say, "What's her problem?"

Rachel wondered as she hurried to class, 'How am I going to do this?'

Rachel survived her class and all the others that day. Part of her was glad she switched her classes a few months ago. Now, she wasn't in the same classes as Gar and Kori. She was relieved she didn't have to see them every other day. If they could see her, would they know something's wrong?

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Review, please.**

.


	29. Chapter 29: Candles

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and / oradult subject matter.**

* * *

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Daughter or any lyrics.**

* * *

 **"Well I have …/ …hate the most" – Candles, Daughter**

* * *

 **Chapter 29 Candles**

* * *

As much as Rachel disliked school, it forced her to get back to a normal routine. She went through all the right actions but that horrible night still affected her. It haunted her. She couldn't forget it. It'd been about a month. Shouldn't things be back to normal? Shouldn't she just get over it, forget about it? No matter how much she told herself that, she couldn't get it out of her mind.

One day, as Rachel moved through the crowded halls at lunchtime, she got an odd sensation. She felt like someone was watching her. Not able to shake that feeling, Rachel went into a restroom. Hiding in a stall, she berated herself for being so paranoid. Even when she was having trouble with Kitten, she wasn't this pitiful.

With her nerves calm, she started to open the stall door when a couple of girls came in the restroom. Rachel recognized the girls; they were from one of her classes. She hid again. The girls were talking about their dates over the weekend. Rachel overheard them.

"He was amazing. As soon as we got there, we were pulling our clothes off. We were naked in no time."

"Did you go all the way?"

"Of course. You don't go out with him if you're not willing to put out. What about you?"

"We didn't do it but we did fool around. I've never had a guy do that to me and ...ohmigod ...I'm getting hot just thinking about it."

"Have you had sex before?"

"Not yet. I want to but I'm a little nervous."

"You'll like it. You should go out with Roy. He knows how to show a girl a good time."

Rachel felt her face getting red. She couldn't believe those girls talked so casually about sex. Her skin crawled at just the thought of standing near a guy, let alone having sex.

The blonde, Marcy said, "Roy definitely knows what to do. He'll make you forget about everything while you're with him." They laughed as they left the room.

Rachel waited a moment before exiting the stall. She splashed water on her face. As she dried her face, she studied her reflection. Would being with someone like Roy make her stop thinking about that night? Her pale cheeks flushed as she considered that idea. Would something like that work? Could she really do something like that? The teen stayed frozen like that until someone entered the restroom. Rachel ran out into the hall, receiving a strange look from the girl who entered the room.

Rachel wandered the halls wondering if she could even do something as simple as hug or kiss a guy let alone be naked with one. She almost laughed at that thought. She could barely get undressed to take a shower.

She wasn't focused for the rest of her classes that day. The last few weeks she wasn't focused but this time, it wasn't specifically about the attack. Usually, Rachel tried to figure out what she did wrong, what she could've done differently. This time, Rachel tried to figure out if she could actually go up to Caitlyn and Marcy and ask for Roy's number.

"Rachel?" The teacher, Mr. Harris, interrupted her thoughts. She looked up, surprised. Teachers rarely called on her anymore. They haven't called on her since Trigon was accused of abusing her. Rachel assumed the principal told them not to single her out. "Can you answer the question?" With a fearful expression, Rachel stared back at her teacher. "Do you even know what the question is?" She opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it. She looked down at her desk and shook her head no. Mr. Harris sighed, then asked another student.

Rachel felt her face getting red as she continued to stare at her desk. She heard some of the students snicker around her. Someone behind her muttered "freak". Rachel rapidly blinked her eyes trying to hold back the tears. She hated how emotional she was lately.

Relief washed over Rachel when the bell rang. She finished gathering her books when Mr. Harris called her name. "Rachel, I'd like to speak with you for a moment." She silently growled to herself. Mr. Harris waited until the other students were out of the room. "I know you've only been in this class a few weeks but I think you can do better. Your grade is slipping. You're not focused. Is something wrong?"

Avoiding making direct eye contact, Rachel thought, 'Everything is wrong!' but said, "No, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better."

He looked at her with concern, "I've heard you're a smart girl. If you need any help just let me know. I'm sure you could get your grade up in no time."

Rachel forced herself to look her teacher in the eye. "I promise I'll try to do better. Can I go now? I have to get to my after school job."

"Okay you can go. I just wanted to touch base. Remember if you need any help let me know." Rachel nodded before she left. Once she was in the hall, she rolled her eyes. She knew she'd never go to anyone for the help she needed.

While walking to the café, Rachel thought about what Mr. Harris said. She had to do better in school or else they might tell Trigon. She had to be more careful. She couldn't let anyone figure out what happened. Checking her watch, Rachel groaned. She'd been so lost in thought that she was now running late.

* * *

At the café, Rachel changed in the employee restroom. Lorraine, a coworker said, "Don't worry, I covered for you."

Annoyed at being late and about everything in general, Rachel snapped, "I'd have a better chance of getting here on time if I wasn't scheduled so close to school getting out."

"Well, it'll probably get better once you get your license and a car."

"I don't think that's gonna happen any time soon."

"Why not?"

Rachel rolled her eyes wishing she never said anything. "I have to pay for everything myself. With just an after school job, I'd barely be able to pay for gas let alone but a car and the insurance." She shrugged as she stepped out of the stall. "So I guess I keep walking or taking the bus. I'm okay with that."

Debbie came into the break room. "You know you were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago?"

"Well, I'm here now so I better get to work." She pushed passed her ex-boyfriend's mother.

Before stepping out onto the café floor Rachel stopped and listened. She'd only worked a few times since the unthinkable happened and she was still very jumpy. Rachel listened for HIS voice. He'd never shown up at the café but that didn't mean he wouldn't. Not hearing anything out of the ordinary, she forced a smile and went out to wait on customers.

She'd just turned in an order when someone called her name. Rachel turned around to see Vic's grandmother. "Uh, hi Mrs. Stone."

"Sweetie, remember you can call me Gayle. How've you been? It's been a long time since been over."

"I know, I'm sorry, Gayle. I'm ...okay, just kind of busy. You know with school and everything."

"I understand Victor's been extremely busy. Still, you should come over sometime. We don't have to have a cooking lesson. It'd be nice just to visit. I've missed seeing you. We'd probably have a lot to talk about. I see you've tried some new looks, I like it."

Rachel self-consciously ran her hand through her hair. "Yeah, well, it's kind of growing out."

"Well, I guess I should let you get back to work." She surprised the teen by giving her a hug. "It's been good seeing you again. Stop by sometime."

Rachel had to resist the urge to push the old woman away. "It's been good seeing you too. I'll, I'll have to see about coming over."

"Okay, I'll see you later, hon."

"Um, bye." Rachel sadly watched her leave. Feeling the tears building up, she hurried to the break room. Why was she like that? She cried at almost anything. She remembered bursting into tears at a dog food commercial and a credit card ad. Rachel hated her emotions. She wished she could get rid of them.

Debbie called for her. Rachel quickly wiped her eyes and told herself to suppress her emotions. Debbie noticed Rachel's red eyes and asked, "Hey, are you okay?"

Rachel snapped, "I'm fine"

Later in the kitchen, Debbie confronted the dark-haired teen. "Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?" Rachel simply said no. "Then what's with the attitude? You've snapped at me all afternoon." Rachel mumbled an apology. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Seeing that the older woman didn't believe her, Rachel added, "It's just something I have to work through myself. Don't worry about it. I have to get back to work."

Rachel saw Caitlyn and Marcy, the girls in the restroom the other day. She slowly went up to the two girls. They stopped the conversation. "What do you want? We already placed our order."

"I'm in some of your classes."

Marcy said, "Yeah, we know. You're that Roth girl. What do you want?"

"Uh, I wanted to ask you something. You know Roy Harper, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

Rachel stammered, "Um, do you, uh, know his phone number?"

"Yeah, I went out with him."

"Right, of course, could I, um could I have it?" The two girls glaringly looked Rachel over. They wondered what this mousy girl could want with Roy. Rachel looked all right when she had friends but now she'd let herself go. There's no way he'd want to sleep with her. As if Rachel read their thoughts, she quickly added, "It has to do with school. I have to call him about a school project." Marcy smirked but gave Rachel, Roy's phone number.

* * *

After many failed attempts, Rachel texted Roy to meet her at a secluded motel Saturday night. Everyone knew that was where to go to hook up or at least make out. She didn't tell him who she was but she hoped he'd be curious and come.

She was extremely nervous but this was the only way she could think of to get passed this. She thought if she had sex with someone else then she wouldn't have THAT as her only experience. Rachel eyed the bed and shuddered.

Trying to use up her nervous energy, Rachel paced around the room. She kind of felt like a caged animal. She anxiously smoothed down the front of her shirt. Rachel carefully dressed for this and hoped what she wore was all right. She couldn't bring herself to dress overly sexy. At least, she didn't think her clothes looked very sexy. She wore jeans and a black woven shirt. Rachel kept unbuttoning and re-buttoning the top few buttons. She thought she should try to look sexy but she wasn't comfortable showing cleavage.

Under her clothes was a different story. It wasn't easy but Rachel wore the sexiest bra and panties she had. She was a little grateful that Laura had insisted on buying her some things when they were shopping for Laura's wedding things. That meant she didn't need to go out and buy something. Rachel hoped she'd picked the right things. She hoped Roy would be pleased.

Rachel was right about Roy being curious. He pulled up to the familiar motel. He wondered who he was meeting there. He knew he should be more cautious but this was exciting. Hooking up with someone he didn't know was thrilling. He texted the mystery girl, "I'm here. What rm r you in?"

Rachel stared at her new phone. He was here. This was going to happen. But what if he didn't want to this when he saw its her? What if just by looking at her, he could tell what happened to her? Was that even possible? No one else has suspected anything. She needed to do this to forget that. Rachel told herself to just get over it. She texted him the room number. Trying to steady her nerves, she closed her eyes. She wished she'd brought alcohol. This would probably be easier if she were drunk.

Roy knocked on the door and was surprised when Rachel opened it. What was the Ice Princess doing here? Was this some sort of trick or trap?

Rachel nervously let him in. He looked around and didn't see anyone else. "Roth? What are you doing here? I'm supposed to meet a girl here."

"I know, I asked you to come."

"You? You know that I'm here to hook up, don't you?"

"Yes," her stomach flipped, "I know."

"This isn't a trick or something is it?" Rachel shook her head. "You understand why I'd be suspicious? For years, you don't let anyone get close to you. Then you get some friends but you end up pushing them away. Lately you won't let anyone near you. Now you wanna hook up with a guy you can't stand. What gives?"

"Please don't leave. I-I need to do this." She needed to get her life back.

Roy looked at her. She seemed desperate both fearful and needy. He wondered if he should do this but he couldn't pass up a chance to score with the Ice Princess. "Okay, so how far do you wanna take this? Do you just wanna go down on me? Do you want me to finger you? Or do you wanna go all the way and have sex? I'm fine with whatever we do."

Rachel turned bright red. It amazed her that he spoke so brazenly about this. How could people talk so freely about sex? Even before that horrible night, Rachel was never comfortable with that subject. "Maybe, um, maybe we could just start slow and see where things take us?"

Roy took off his coat. He dimmed the lights. He went over by the bed. "Fine by me but you start things. I don't want anyone saying I forced you to do anything." He didn't notice her stiffen.

Rachel kicked off her shoes and went over to him. Her heart raced. Now that she was actually going to do this, she didn't know if she could do it. She wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans before she put her hands on his shoulders. He noticed that. "What? Do you dislike me so much that you can't stand the thought of touching me but you want me to fuck you?"

"No, I'm sorry." She got up and went over to the window. "I'm just nervous. I've never done anything like this."

"C'mon, you must have made out with Jason. How is this any different? Unless, you two never did it?"

"Great," she groaned, turning to him, "I'm sorry. Maybe this was a big mistake?"

"I'm sorry, that doesn't matter. Whatever you did with your boyfriend is none of my business." After a few minutes Roy said, "You don't exactly like me. Why do you want to do this with me?"

Rachel sighed, "I didn't think you'd judge me." She turned her back to him. Even though she spoke softly to herself, he still heard her say, "Maybe this would've been easier with a stranger?"

Roy didn't think it was a good idea for her to be with a stranger. He thought Rachel could be a little odd at times but he didn't want her getting hurt. He knew if she was here with a stranger, there was a good chance of her getting hurt, even if it was just emotionally. "You look tense. Here, let me give you a massage." Roy carefully started to massage Rachel's shoulders. "Whoa, you are tense. Relax, I'll make you feel good."

(Relax, I'll make you feel good.)

Those were _his_ exact words. Rachel spun around. "No!" She wrapped her arms around herself. She had to stop shaking before Roy noticed. "No, I-I-I don't need a massage. I, uh," she swallowed hard, "I need you to make love to me."

He didn't know why she seemed desperate about having sex. She wasn't throwing herself at him like other girls did. But that wasn't what Rachel did. She usually kept her distance. If this was what she wanted to do, maybe he should take it easy on her. He didn't need to make her defensive. "Okay. C'mon, let's sit down and take things slow."

They sat on the edge of the bed. Roy watched her as Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath. He thought she looked more pale than usual. He wondered if she was taking the breakup with Jason harder than she'd let on. Was that what this was all about? Thinking it might make things easier for her, Roy got up. He pulled his phone from his coat pocket and played some music.

Returning to the bed, Roy ran his hand through her dark hair. "You dyed your hair again. I liked it purple. It looked good on you."

(He touched her hair, 'I like the new look.')

She hoped this worked. Clenching her hands into fists against the bed, Rachel leaned forward and softly kissed Roy. He returned the kiss. He was just as gentle. They continue to kiss sweetly. It wasn't really what Roy wanted but it would do. After a few moments, they were kissing with more passion. Before long, they were lying down on the bed.

Seeing Rachel on the bed with her dark hair splayed around her, he thought she looked incredibly hot. Her overly pale skin was slightly flushed. She was still completely dressed and wore a serious expression on her face but she was so hot lying underneath him. Roy wondered if that's what made this so hot and exciting. Rachel was so unattainable.

Roy's hand trailed down her body as they kissed. Rachel trembled slightly. She'd done this with Jason. She needed to remember she liked that. This wasn't like that awful time. Maybe this would be better? Rachel tried to force the memories out of her mind and focus on this moment. Roy started to unbutton her shirt.

Needing a moment, Rachel pushed Roy's chest slightly. She needed to slow down for a moment and catch her breath. Roy understood her gesture and stopped kissing and touching her. He pulled away from her but stayed on the bed with her. Rachel sat up and pulled her knees to her chest. She bit her lip as she held her breath. Looking around the room, she slowly let out her breath. Rachel shifted so she was now on her knees. She could do this. She had to.

"You still okay with this?"

Rachel gave him a shaky smile. "Yeah. Just nerves, I guess. But, yeah, I want to do this." She took another deep breath. "I want to sleep with you."

Pleased with her answer, Roy pulled a condom from his pocket. Rachel quickly looked away. He sensed she was nervous and slightly unfocused, maybe a little embarrassed. Assuming Rachel was a virgin, he said, "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

"Why? Do I really deserve that? Treat me like any other girl. I've heard how you are. You don't shy away from things. You're not afraid to be wild. Don't start being shy now. Make me feel alive. Help me forget everything in the past."

Roy didn't know what she was talking about. What was that about forgetting the past? Was she using him as a way to get back at Jason? He thought probably shouldn't continue but Roy wanted to score with Rachel. However, if she was changing her mind about this, he wanted to give her that chance. Roy hesitated, "You're sure? We can ..."

Any misgivings Rachel had about doing this, she didn't show. She pulled him in to a fiery kiss, cutting off his sentence. That kiss was far from innocent or chaste. As they kissed impassioned urgency, together they unbuttoned Rachel's shirt. She didn't object like she had moments ago, so he continued. He opened her shirt, exposing her black lacy bra. Roy stripped off his shirt. She had to admit he looked good. His chest and arms were muscular due to sports but not in a overly bulky way. If his tanned chest looked that hot then the rest of his body must be just as hot. Although, Rachel didn't really want to think about Roy's or any other guy's body. But no wonder Roy had no problem getting girls into bed.

Rachel couldn't believe she was doing this as she pulled off her shirt. Roy murmured, "You're so hot." They continued to kiss but Rachel didn't feel sexy. She felt used, dirty, damaged but that didn't matter. She didn't think it mattered what she felt as long as she slept with Roy.

As Roy's hands explored her body, Rachel told herself to relax. Like Jason, Roy knew what he was doing. She told herself to just relax and let Roy change her. Let Roy change her from a wounded scared girl to something resembling a normal girl. As Roy kissed her neck, she let out a cross between a moan and a whimper.

(I warned you)

Rachel squeezed her eyes shut. She told herself she wanted and needed this to get back to normal. It wasn't like this before. That horrible night was all about violence, pain and control. This might not be about love but this was positive not destructive.

They continued to kiss fervently. Rachel didn't touch Roy much. She sometimes ran her fingers through his hair or had a hand on his chest. Occasionally, her hands were on his waist but she didn't touch him, not like he touched her. Roy's touch made her feel a mixture of emotions. She never thought she'd want a guy to put a hand on her. She still wasn't sure but she needed this.

Rachel tried to remember what she and Jason did that night in Hamilton. What did she do when she and Jason were making out? She realized she needed to participate more. She couldn't have Roy doing everything, she needed to give him some pleasure, show him that she was into this.

She shuddered as she pressed her body against his. A low moan escaped from his throat. Rachel quickly pulled her hand away from him. She still couldn't believe that _she_ could make a guy feel like that.

Roy could still sense that Rachel was hesitant. He didn't know what her deal was but decided if they were going to do this, he couldn't go too far, too fast. This might have been a quick hook up but he knew he wouldn't get far if she got too skittish. He couldn't go straight to getting Rachel naked. He needed to romance her some. Even though she said she was ready for this to happen, she wasn't as relaxed as she should be. Romancing her would ease her nerves.

The teen giggled softly as Roy's tickled her wrist with light kisses. He smiled, glad she was relaxing some. However, even in the dim light, Roy thought he noticed white scars on her arm. He didn't know she was a cutter. Glancing at the dark-haired girl in bed with him, Roy decided he'd be gentle. He knew she suggested that she wanted wild, mind blowing sex but he didn't want to add to any distress she might be already going through. Once more, he wondered if she was taking the breakup with Jason harder than she let on. Roy slowly drew his hand along her arm, down her body, tickling her. Again, Rachel's light laughter mingled with the music. "You should laugh more often. Your laugh is pretty, just like you."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "Yeah, right. What do you know?"

"I know hot girls and you're hot." He captured her lips in a fiery kiss. Rachel's breath caught in her throat when their bodies touched but she didn't stop him. This was what she wanted, wasn't it?

Rachel squirmed slightly. She remembered how much she liked it when she was with Jason. She moaned into the kiss as Roy cupped her breast. She felt somewhat aroused by his touch. Although, she also felt disgusted by it. She hated the thought of having sex with Roy or any guy for that matter. But Rachel knew she needed something other than that horrible night as her only sexual experience.

Roy slipped a bra strap down her shoulder. Her body tingled. Anticipation and excitement were gradually taking over her trepidations. She ran her hand through Roy's hair as he caressed her breast. She squirmed as a shiver ran down her spine. He kissed her as he pulled her bra down some more. Rachel's fingers tangled in his hair as he kissed a sensitive spot on her neck. Breathing heavy, Rachel let out a throaty moan as Roy's thumb traced her through her bra.

Roy made Rachel feel more and more aroused. Carefully, Roy guided Rachel to lay down. The bedding was cool against her back. Like that night in Hamilton, her nerves were on fire. This could work, this would work if things continued like this. Her whole body tingled as he settled between her legs. Roy was careful not to put all his weight on her but they both moaned as their bodies touched. They were still wearing jeans but that didn't stop the sensations from building.

Rachel raised her hips, pressing her body against his. She closed her eyes and bit her lip, trying to contain a moan as Roy's hand slipped into her bra, touching her. He expertly manipulated her body, making the building tension within her body grow. Moaning and wiggling underneath him, Rachel had an increasing need to get out of her jeans. She was surprised by how he made her want to feel their bodies connect. She needed their skin to touch.

Roy got off Rachel slightly as she shimmied off her jeans. He smiled, happily surprised to see her lacy panties. He didn't think she was that adventurous. However, he never thought he'd be moments away from fucking her, the Ice Princess. He needed to get out of his jeans.

Their hearts raced. They were down to just their underwear. Rachel moaned as his lips trailed down her body. She was going to do this. Rachel felt a little afraid but she pushed those fears away. Her body was on the verge of exploding with what Roy was doing to her.

She was almost ready to do this. She was going to have real, consenting sex but she couldn't shake the memories. Memories flashed between what she did with Jason and what Slade did to her. Squeezing her eyes tight, she tried to push the memories away. She needed this. She needed to focus on right now. Rachel was determined to sleep with Roy.

(He clamped his hand over her mouth, muffling her screams. Her fingers frantically tried to pry his hand off.)

His hand tenderly grazed Rachel's damp panties. Rachel's eyes flew open and her breath caught in her throat. What! She was in bed with Roy, wearing just her bra and panties. And her bra was almost off. She was almost naked.

(Don't touch me!)

No. This was too much like that horrible unspeakable night. "No," whispered Rachel as she squirmed.

(He was so strong …he slammed her against the table.)

Roy froze. His hands were still on her breast and between her legs. Did she say no? Rachel cried out, "Stop! Don't touch me!" Roy pulled his hands from her body. "No! Stop! Don't!" He quickly got off her, then the bed.

Rachel sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. With her arms wrapped around herself, covering herself. She kept crying for it to stop. In her mind, she wasn't in a motel room with Roy. She was reliving what happened back at her house, when she begged that monster to stop.

(searing pain, vision blurring pain …tears and stifled screams …)

Stunned, Roy stared at Rachel. He'd never seen anyone act like that. She was shivering and breathing ragged breaths. Was she having a panic attack? He wanted to help but didn't know what to do. He pulled on his jeans then turned off the music and turned the lights on all the way.

Memories of the attack tortured her. Rachel visibly trembled as she gulped for air. She needed the memories to stop. She squeezed her eyes shut. Why wouldn't the memories stop? "Please, no, don't, don't hurt me."

(…our little secret …secret …secret)

Hurt her? He wasn't going to hurt her. Roy liked to sleep around but he'd never force a girl to do more than she wanted. Did Rachel really think he'd hurt her?

"No! Please …stop!" Roy thought Rachel sounded so miserable but he wasn't doing anything to her. He wasn't touching her.

"Rachel? I'm not hurting you. I'm not doing anything to you. Rachel? Rachel? Please calm down. It's me, Roy. I'm not going to hurt you."

Finally hearing Roy's voice, Rachel suddenly became aware that she wasn't in any danger. She doubled over as if she was in pain. Grasping her head in both hands, Rachel let out a mournful and frustrated growl. What did she do? She ruined everything.

Rachel grabbed her shirt and covered herself with it. "I-I'm sorry. I-I thought I could do it. I really thought I was ready. I'm sorry." She covered her face as tears threatened to fall.

Roy noticed the tears. He knelt on the floor, beside her. "Hey? Hey, you okay? I didn't hurt you, did I?"

She shook her head. Trying to steady her breathing, Rachel stared at her bare legs draped over the side of the bed. She shivered. She got that far but freaked out. Freak. She was a freak and now Roy knew it. "No, I'm just mad at myself. You probably think I lead you on. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out. I honestly thought I could do it. I should have been able to do it. It's just sex, right? But …I'm a freak. I'm sorry." She self-consciously wiped away her tears.

Roy cautiously rubbed her arm to comfort her. "Hey, no you're not. Don't put yourself down so much. You just got overwhelmed but don't worry about it. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. You shouldn't push yourself. I've heard that a girl's first time should be special, meaningful."

Rachel pulled away from Roy. She found her jeans and pulled them on. She mumbled, "Whatever." Pulling on her shirt, she told Roy, "Look, I really am sorry I got your hopes up but I can't do this." She buttoned her shirt with trembling fingers. "The room's already paid for the night. It's all yours if you want to bring someone else here."

"Where are you going?"

"Home. I can't stay here."

Roy wasn't sure but he didn't think Rachel could drive. "How'd you get here?"

"Really?" She sighed. "God …what does it matter?" She rolled her eyes as she pulled on her shoes. "Fine. I rode the bus. It stopped nearby and I walked the rest of the way."

"It's late, the buses have stopped running for the night. How are you getting home?"

"I'll walk." Rachel grabbed her coat and went outside.

Throwing on his shirt and shoes, Roy grabbed his coat. He remembered at the last moment to grab his phone. By the time he got outside, Rachel was already halfway across the parking lot. "Hey, Rachel, wait up!" She ignored him and kept walking. He ran after her. "Hey, I can't let you walk home. This neighborhood is too dangerous at night for you to walk home."

Rachel rolled her eyes. What could happen to her that hasn't already happened? Maybe she'd be murdered? That would end her nightmare.

Roy gently took Rachel's elbow. "C'mon, I'll give you a ride."

"It's okay. I can walk." She tried to pull her elbow free but Roy's grip was firm even though he was gentle. He wasn't hurting her. His grip wasn't like the others had been.

Roy repeated, "I'll give you a ride."

Rachel glared at him before she sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine. Have it your way." Roy guided her to his car.

They rode in silence, except for the occasional direction to her house. Rachel opened the car door. "Thanks for the ride."

Roy stopped her from getting out. "Wait. What happened back there?"

Rachel sighed as she sat back in the car seat. "It, it was nothing. I was just being goth or emo or whatever label they've put on me now."

It was late, but he noticed her house was dark. Roy couldn't figure out what was wrong but Rachel seemed vulnerable. "You're parents aren't home?"

"Tr... my father's working and my stepmother is out of town, again. Thanks again for the ride. I'm sorry I messed up." She got out of his car that time and went to her house. Roy followed her. She turned around and glared at him. "What are doing?"

"I'm coming in with you. I don't think you should be alone."

She stopped after opening the door. "I'm alone all the time. I'm okay with it."

Roy pushed past Rachel. "That's okay, I don't mind waiting."

"You can't stay here! My father will kill me if he finds you here."

"We're not gonna do anything except maybe talk. An hour ago, you were ready to have sex with me. Now you're freaking out because your dad will find you alone, talking to a boy?"

"I'm sure most fathers don't want to know anything about their daughter's' sex life. I just don't want to make him angry." Rachel stared ahead as she thought about what she just said. She wouldn't have needed to try to sleep with Roy if her father had saved her from that monster. She wouldn't be desperately clinging to anything resembling a normal life if her father had done what most fathers would have done and saved her. However, she wouldn't have needed saving if her father hadn't sent that monster to torture her.

"Rachel?" Roy watched Rachel as her features darkened and she clenched her fists. "You okay?"

She shivered as if a chill had hit her. "I'm fine," she said flatly.

Roy wondered through her house to the family room. Rachel sighed as she went to find him. "Fine. I see you're gonna do what you want. Don't expect me to make you feel welcome."

"What? Aren't you gonna be the perfect hostess and offer me snacks and beverages. You could at least give me a tour?"

"Why? It's a house. What do you need to know?"

"What if there's a fire? I need to know where the exits are."

"You're standing near a door. Why don't you use it and leave?"

Rachel stood in the family room doorway. She crossed her arms while he roamed through the first floor. "See, you're kind of funny. Although most people don't see it, cuz you're so serious all the time. If you'd lighten up more often, you have more friends. You're lucky I understand your sense of humor."

"Congratulation, want a prize? You can get it outside."

Roy came back into the family room. He sat in an armchair "There it is again, your dry wit. Lately, you've seemed more upset than usual. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." Rachel sat "And if there was, do you think I'd tell you?"

"Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know that well."

"Nothing's wrong." They sat in silence. Roy felt like something was going with Rachel but couldn't figure out how to get her to open up. Rachel wished she could erase the night. She mumbled "Sorry again about tonight."

"Hey, it's okay. You alright? I mean, I didn't accidentally hurt you, did I?"

"No. I'm just humiliated, mortified, embarrassed beyond belief." She sighed. "I've never thrown myself at a guy. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"It's no big thing. I've had other girls do that before." Rachel rolled her eyes. Roy laughed, "I've even chased after some girls. You know, if you didn't start dating Jason, I'd probably would've gone after you." That surprised Rachel. She didn't see herself as the type of girl guys would want. She was sure Jason was a fluke. "Under all those layers, you're pretty hot."

Rachel's face reddens at that. "You're lucky to find out how much of a freak I am before we got together."

"It was your first time and you panicked. Don't worry about it. It was fun while we were making out. It was after that when you were out of control, that scared me. What was that about?"

"Like I said, nothing's wrong."

"Okay, I won't pry but I think you should think about talking to someone. You never know, it might help. Oh, by the way, I'm not gonna tell anyone about tonight."

"I'm surprised. I thought that would be a good story to tell everybody. You know, the Ice Princess, completely freaked the second she was touched."

"What happened in that motel room is private. No one needs to know."

Rachel let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you." She said softly, "That's probably the nicest thing anybody's done for me lately." Roy was confused. He had no idea what was going on with Rachel but now he was sure something was up with her.

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 **Please review. Say you like it, say you hate it, but tell me something. I don't know how anyone thinks about this version if I don't get any feedback. Sometimes, I wonder if people just skim over it but don't really read it. It's frustrating. I WANT to finish this version. I'm not working now my other pieces because I'm focused on this story. Sorry. I would just like to get some reviews and not have to wait for every ten or so chapters.**

 **Thank you for reading. And thanks for tolerating my rant.**


	30. Chapter 30: Faint

**Thank you to those who reviewed. The feedback was helpful. One reviewer had a comment that helped me come up with an idea for a song in wanted for a chapter. I knew I wanted a certain song but couldn't figure out how it fit in. Well, now I do so thank you.**

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 **Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Linkin Park or any lyrics.**

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 **Chapter 30: Faint**

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 **"I can't …/ …won't be ignored " – Faint, Linkin Park**

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Rachel was glad Roy finally left. He'd have to wait a long time if he was waiting for her father to come home. Once more, Trigon was on a business trip. Rachel wondered if it was her imagination but it felt as if he was avoiding her almost as much as she was avoiding him.

Rachel stared into the darkness out the family room window. She watched the raindrops beginning to hit the window. She's kept everything a secret so far, but how long could she do that? Especially, after she freaked out with Roy. Rachel sighed deeply. It probably helped that she was moody before all of this happened. If anyone suspects anything and ask her about it, she seemed to have the right answers. Soon they'd forgot about it because Rachel was just a moody teenager.

Rachel got up and wandered to the kitchen. She couldn't believe she threw herself at Roy. What was she thinking? She couldn't believe she freaked out like that. God, what was wrong with her?

Maybe a cup of tea would calm her nerves? Rachel slowly went through the actions of making tea. She guessed it also helped that no one at the hospital knew who she was so they couldn't do any follow-up. They'd never figure out who she was, could they? She was just another poor lost soul in Jump City. Would Roy figure it out? If he did, would he tell anyone? Please don't, she prayed, she just needed a little more time before she had enough money to run away. Where to, she didn't know.

The shrieking whistle of the teakettle broke Rachel from her thoughts, causing her to jump. She turned off the stove. She looked down at her shaking hands. She didn't think tea was going to calm her nerves. She was going to need something stronger. Rachel's eyes drifted from her cup to Trigon's liquor cabinet.

Rachel took a swig of the clear liquid. She squeezed her eyes shut. It burned but she couldn't spit it out. She forced herself to swallow it. Her throat burned as if she'd just gulp down fire. She felt it burning all the way to her stomach. "Aww!" Coughing, she gasped for air. "Ugh! Why do people drink that?" Her throat still burned. It felt like it was burning forever but it was really several seconds, not even half a minute. Warmth replaced the burning in her throat.

Was she wrong to go after Roy like that? Should she have tried it with someone she didn't know? Was she wrong to even think about sex? After all, wasn't she damaged?

Once her inhibitions began to fade away, Rachel called Roy, "Will you come back to my house. I've had a drink. By the time you get here, I'll have had some more and be ready. We can have alotta fun. I promise I won't freak out this time."

He said, "I don't think so, you were really upset earlier."

"I'm ready now. Please, won't you come over? My dad's out of town so we don't hav'ta worry about him. I'll do anything you want."

"Sorry, Rachel, I don't think you're ready."

"Thought you were eager to score with the Ice Princess? Okay then, give me the number of one of your friends. I'm sure one of them wouldn't mind being with me."

"No, you're too upset. I don't know why you're so upset but sex probably isn't the answer."

"Fine! Go screw yourself!" She hung up and threw her phone on her bed. She cranked up her music and took another drink.

Spotting her paints, Rachel eyed the swirls she painted on her wall. Now she thought they looked ridiculous. Rachel had a thought. She pulled her bed and nightstand out to the middle of the room. Having enough sense to cover her bed, Rachel threw dark colors onto the walls. She wasn't using paintbrushes but actually throwing the paint from the containers to the walls. The dark colors dripped and slid down the walls mixing as they go. Rachel frowned they weren't going to cover all the swirls. She used her hands to smear the paints. A bit tipsy, Rachel had to put her hand on the wall to steady herself. She left a hand print.

Rachel stepped back to admire it. She wasn't sure about it and decided to add some scarlet paint. Taking another step back, Rachel tripped over something in her now messy room. As she fell, she whacked her elbow on the nightstand. Sitting on the floor, Rachel cradled her elbow. It hurt like hell. Tears sprung to her eyes. Rachel thought about how ridiculous she must've looked with her arms flailing. She broke into hysterical laughter. "I'm pathetic." Her word sunk in, "I'm pathetic." Her laughter turned to crying. "I'm pathetic and stupid. No wonder all this shit happens to me. All I do is cry anymore."

Paint covered Rachel's hands. Not caring about the clothes she wore to see Roy, she wiped her hands on them. It didn't matter anyway. She already got pain on her sleeve when she cradled her elbow, she reasoned. Rachel took off her paint-ruined clothes. She glared at her reflection. Why would Roy want anything to do with her? She quickly put on the "hospital" sweatshirt and sweatpants.

Grabbing her laptop, Rachel flopped on her bed. She checked out some random sites but nothing grabbed her attention. The dark-haired teen hesitated before typing "rape" into the search engine. In amazement, Rachel stared at the screen. There was so much information. She didn't click on anything, just scrolled down the screen. One site mentioned "types of rape". There were different types of rape? Rachel knew that what happened to her was wrong, but was it really rape? After all, she'd stopped fighting him. She just let him do what he wanted. Rachel couldn't remember saying no. She let him violate her. She let a man so much older than herself take her virginity. And now she was throwing herself at Roy, practically begging him to sleep with her.

Rachel frowned. She thought she sounded like a slut. She gazed at the words on the screen. Was that what she was? Was she a slut? If she was a slut, shouldn't she try sleeping with someone else? But it had to be someone other than Roy. She was such a mess. Rachel wished she could forget everything. Trying to help with that, Rachel took another drink.

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When Rachel slowly woke up, 'Freak Like Me' by Halestone was blaring out of her radio. Her head throbbed. It almost matched the beat of the song. Groaning, Rachel rolled over to turn off the music. It took a lot of effort just to do that. Groaning again, she was glad she didn't have to go to work until later that afternoon. She felt awful. Not only did her head feel like it was going to explode, but her tongue felt like it was made of sandpaper. Rachel's mouth felt and tasted as if she swallowed enough sand to make a desert. Maybe hat explained why her stomach felt so queasy?

She couldn't believe she got drunk last night. Rachel couldn't imagine drinking like that all the time. Maybe that explained Trigon's moods and anger? He was either drunk or hung-over. Rachel stayed in bed and stared at the ceiling. She couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. First, she threw herself at Roy, then she got drunk. At least, she stayed home. God knows what would've happened to her of she went out after drinking.

Rachel stayed like that until her thirst overpowered her. Rolling over, finding her bed in the middle of the room surprised her. That could be one of the reasons why she felt so disoriented. Why didn't she noticed that before? Why was her bed moved anyway?

Rachel saw her newly painted walls. She did that? She didn't remember … Rachel tried to think back. She vaguely remembered pulling out her paints after calling Roy. "Ugh! I called him? Why am I so stupid?"

Deciding to go to the kitchen, Rachel slowly went down the stairs. The day was overcast and it was a little after ten in the morning, but the daylight seemed too bright for Rachel. The daylight hurt her eyes, making her headache worse. The migraine like headache affected her stomach. She didn't want to get sick, but wondered if getting sick would help her feel better. Grabbing a couple bottles of water, some acetaminophen and a handful of crackers, Rachel went back to her room. She didn't think she could handle much more than the crackers. If she started feeling better, she could get something else.

Back in her room, Rachel was relieved. Even though Trigon and Laura were gone, Rachel didn't feel safe anywhere else but her room. Where was Laura anyway? She went out of town every couple of weeks. It didn't matter. The dark-haired teen didn't with anything to do with either one of them.

Extremely thirsty but afraid of getting sick like that last time, Rachel slowly drank one bottle of water. She felt a little better. Her headache wasn't as intense. Feeling better, she didn't have to focus on her head or stomach. Rachel turned her attention to her walls.

The walls next to where her bed normally was, was dark, almost black. Some of the paint was smeared, some of it dripped down in menacing trails. A few of the iridescent silver swirls from before peaked through in place but most of them were blocked out. Red paint splattered and dripped like blood. The blood-red paint mixed with the black as it seeped. There was a red, slightly smeared hand print.

Rachel hazily remembered catching herself to he keeps from falling. She studied her walls and grinned. She liked the look. With the last bit of red paint, she scrawled "HATE!". She stepped back, looking at it again. She liked it. It looked like how she felt. Rachel thought it was like the iridescent swirls were her innocence being smothered by the darkness. It was everything positive being destroyed: hope, courage, her spirit, her soul, her life.

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As Rachel got ready for work and walked there, she could only think about how much she'd messed up. She couldn't believe she'd made such a fool of herself. How could she throw herself at Roy? He must really think she was a freak now. Even though he said he wouldn't tell anyone, Rachel was sure he couldn't wait to tell everyone how she freaked out. Those same thoughts repudiated through her still slightly sore head. Why was she so stupid?

At work, everything and everyone annoyed Rachel. She covered it all right with the customers but with her co-workers, she snapped at them. It didn't help that she had the remnants of her hangover. She'd just snapped at someone. That was her forth outburst of the day. Rachel knew she couldn't be like that. The first three times, she ran to the break room, crying. This most recent outburst, Rachel saw a couple holding hands and kissing. Angry because she'd never have a chance of that again, Rachel slammed a plate down in the kitchen and stormed out.

Splashing water on her face, Rachel tried to calm down. Why couldn't she keep her emotions under control? She wasn't normally like this. What was wrong with her? Rachel scrutinized herself in the employee bathroom mirror. Her hair was dull and hung limply around her face. There were dark circles under her bloodshot eyes. Why didn't anyone notice that something was wrong? She didn't care how she looked. She just wondered why no one has noticed.

There was a soft knock on the door and a friendly voice spoke, "Rachel?" Debbie poked her head in. Seeing the miserable teen suddenly wiping her eyes, she entered and quietly closed the door. She spoke Rachel's words aloud, "Rachel, sweetie, what's wrong? You know you can't have outbursts like that."

"I know," tears threatened to bubble up, "I'm sorry."

"Honey?" Debbie stood beside Rachel. She looked down at the girl's reflection. "What's wrong? Is it school? Are you having trouble with your friends? You know you can talk to me."

Rachel avoided eye contact. "It's nothing. I'm just tired."

Debbie put her arm around the teen. "I think it's more than that. You're usually so calm. What's wrong?"

Rachel wiped away any tears and wondered if she could tell her. She was so scared and confused but Debbie would believe her, right? Maybe she'd help her? But how does she do that? How does she tell her? Rachel took a deep breath. "Um, what was …I mean, when did …? I'm sorry. Uh, how old were you when you, you know …when you were first with somebody?"

"Are you trying to ask, how old is was when I lost my virginity?" Rachel looked slightly sick but nodded. "I was about your age. I was sixteen. Are you thinking about sleeping with a boy?"

Rachel's stomach churned. She couldn't believe she was talking about this. She never thought she'd do this. "Yeah, um, no, well, kind of, I mean …I-I'm sorry." Why couldn't she speak? She wasn't making any sense. Debbie would never understand her at this rate.

"Have you already slept with someone? Do you want to talk about it? I'm sure you have some questions."

Rachel dug her short nails into the palm of her hand. No, she didn't WANT to talk about this. But maybe Roy was right? Maybe she needed to tell someone? Debbie accepted Rachel's silence as confirmation.

"Okay, so you've decided to become sexually active. There's nothing wrong with that. You're growing up." Rachel looked more pale than usual. "When did it happen? Is that why you've been so out of sorts lately?"

"Um," Rachel couldn't believe she was actually going to tell someone. She never thought she'd do that. "it, uh, it was around new year's eve." Rachel struggled to not cry. She hated crying around people. She hated crying, but that was all she seemed to do since that night.

"Aw, honey, it must be hard not having your mom around to talk to. But like I said, you can always come to me with any questions."

"I shouldn't have brought this up." Embarrassed ,Rachel wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay to cry. I just don't understand why you're so upset."

Rachel thought she knew what Debbie was thinking happened, but it was all wrong. It wasn't sweet and romantic. It wasn't two giggling teens giving into their raging hormones. It wasn't thrilling and exciting. It was repulsive.

"I'm not upset. I'm just tired, tired of everything." Rachel stared to think it wasn't a good idea telling Debbie. Maybe she shouldn't tell anyone?

Debbie sighed, "I'm trying to help you, but you need to let me help you." The older woman watched Rachel trying to calm down. Rachel closed her eyes shut took several deep breaths. Even though she was starting to calm down, her hands were in fists by her side. Debbie tried to remember what it was as like when she was Rachel's age. She didn't recall acting like this. Not even when she found out she was having Jason and his father left her alone. Debbie said, "You're probably getting upset over nothing."

"It wasn't nothing," said Rachel quietly.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I know it wasn't nothing. Your first time is special but if you're taking it this hard, I'm sorry to say, maybe you weren't ready."

Rachel whispered, "I-I wasn't , I wasn't ready, I didn't …"

Debbie turned to Rachel. Her eyes narrowed as she looked down at her. "What are you saying? Did someone force himself on you? Did he forced you to have sex?"

Rachel couldn't move or talk as tears flooded her eyes. She was a little hopeful. Debbie was starting to figure out what she was trying to say. Finally finding her voice, Rachel murmured, "It hurt." She couldn't bring herself to say that disgusting word.

"Sweetie, the first time does hurt some but it does get better. It sometimes depends on how experienced the guy is."

Rachel repeated, almost whining, "But it hurt."

"Just because your first time having sex hurt doesn't mean you were forced. Maybe it just means you two weren't experienced? Maybe it means you weren't ready to have sex? But the first time often does hurt some."

Rachel turned from Debbie. She tried to suppress her tears. Rachel muttered softly to herself, "Oh God, I'm so ashamed."

Debbie overheard Rachel. She started to figure out things but she was getting it wrong. "I think I get what happened. You were with a guy and now you're regretting it."

"No, that's not what happened."

Debbie grabbed Rachel by the shoulders and spun her around. She forced the teen to look her in the eye. "Rachel, you can't do this." She gently shook the teen by her shoulders. "What you're suggesting is very serious. You can't be one of those girls who lies about something like this. You can't be sexually active and then accused the guy of assault when you feel guilty."

"No, that …that's not what happened. He hurt me," whined Rachel.

Debbie never thought Rachel would be like this. "Did you go to the police or a doctor?" Rachel shook her head. "If it happened like you said it did, why wouldn't you get help?"

Rachel didn't seek help because she was too scared. She couldn't believe it. Debbie didn't believe her because she'd messed up. Rachel didn't think it mattered what she said. Debbie had already made up her mind and didn't believe her. Debbie thought she was lying. Rachel simply muttered, "I dunno."

"I know it must've felt exciting. You felt like an adult but you can't spread rumors like this. You don't want to be one of those kind of girls. If you cry wolf, no one will believe you if, heaven forbid, something terrible happens."

Rachel couldn't stop the tears. But the horrible did happen and she didn't do anything wrong. He did. He hurt her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just don't want you going down the wrong path," Debbie sighed, "You're too upset to work anymore today. Why don't you go home? I'll tell the others you weren't feeling well. That'll probably explain your outbursts. Want me to give you a ride home?"

With her hands over her face, Rachel shook her head no. She couldn't understand why Debbie didn't believe her. When the older woman put a comforting hand on the teen's shoulder, Rachel shrugged it off. Rachel didn't want Debbie's judgmental pity. The teen felt like screaming.

Debbie sighed as she left the small room. Alone again, Rachel tried to force the tears to stop. Why did she think it was a good idea to tell Debbie?

Once the tears had subsided enough, Rachel grabbed her clothes. She quickly changed. She couldn't get out of that place fast enough. She slipped out the back without clocking out. Rachel didn't care. She didn't w to see anyone, especially Debbie.

Why did Debbie believe her? Would it always be like that, nobody believing her? Rachel groaned, of course no one would believe her because she'd lied too much about her mother's sickness and her father's abuse. Anyone would think she's lying about this too.

Rachel walked several blocks thinking about that. She had no idea how she thought it would be if she ever told anybody. But that was definitely not how she imagined it would be.

Anger bubbled up in Rachel as she remembered Debbie's words, warning her not to falsely accused somebody of assault. It wasn't a false accusation! She was raped! Rachel knew she wasn't making sense but Debbie could've tried to understand. Why didn't she believe her!

Angry, Rachel slammed her fist into a solid fence post. A sharp sting radiated through her hand, resulting in a yelp of pain from the girl. The anger instantly evaporated and tears formed. Rachel massaged her hand. It hurt so bad.

Glancing down, she noticed her middle knuckle was beginning to swell. A minute later, there was already a bruise forming. She noticed her thumb was also swelling and sore. Rachel cautiously flexed her hand. It did hurt but she could move each finger. That was a good thing, right? That meant her hand wasn't broken, right? She hoped she didn't break anything. She didn't know what she'd do if she did.

While flexing her fingers, Rachel's surprised to discover some cuts on her knuckles. Her hand continued to swell. That worried her. What if she did some serious damage? Cradling her hand, Rachel looked around. Should she have someone look at her hand? No, she couldn't do that. They'd ask questions. Questions she wouldn't answer.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the point of view, someone saw Rachel. A man called to her, "Hey, come here." Rachel looked up, surprised. The man in his fifties said, "It's all right. I'm not going to hurt you. Come here, let me see if you're okay."

"It's okay. I'm okay. It's nothing." In her mind, Rachel added, 'I'm nothing.'

As he walked towards her, the man said, "That may be, but let me check it out." He held his hand out, waiting. Rachel hesitantly held out her injured hand. He checked out her hand, taking notice of the bruises already forming. He also observed her red-rimmed eyes. She looked like she'd been crying but he didn't mention that. He knew enough about women that they didn't like the fact that they've been crying pointed out. Instead, he flexed her fingers like Rachel did, making her groan in pain. "I don't think anything's broke. Wait here are moment." He trusted her to stay as he hurried into the house.

Rachel stood alone on the sidewalk. She carefully massaged her hand, wondering if anyone else saw her. She felt ridiculous standing by herself in the middle of the sidewalk. She looked around. Should she leave? She didn't owe that man anything. She looked towards his house. What if he was calling someone to report that she was a danger to herself? She didn't need that.

The man finally came out of his house. He held a baggie of ice and paper towels. He handed her the makeshift ice pack.

"Why would a girl like you be so angry?"

Rachel cautiously set the ice pack on her bruised hand. She hissed quietly, it stung. She grimaced at the pain and said, "I'm not angry."

"You punched a fence post. I think you're angry."

Rachel let out a deep sigh. "I'm sorry, it's been a long, bad day." She gave him a sad smile. "You know that type when you wished you'd stayed in bed?"

The older man gave the teen any encouraging smile. "Yeah, I've had days like that. Do you want me to call someone to give you a ride?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm okay. I don't have too far to walk. Uh, thanks for helping me. I'm sorry I bothered you."

"You didn't bother me. I didn't have to help you but I wanted to help. You might want to consider talking to someone about what's making you so angry?"

"Thanks for the suggestion, but it's something I have to deal with myself. Thanks again for helping me." Rachel sheepishly held up her injured hand. Carefully supporting her hand, she walked away. She hoped she looked more confident than she felt. How could she have been so stupid?

By the time Rachel got to her house, about thirty minutes later, the swelling had gone down some, but her knuckles were purple with bruises. She couldn't be like that. She couldn't be so angry. People might get suspicious and ask her questions that she won't answer.

In her room, careful of her hand, Rachel flopped on her bed. She landed on her phone in her pocket. She pulled it out and looked at it. She didn't know why Trigon insisted she had a new phone. No one ever called her. Before tossing it to the foot of her bed, Rachel caught sight of the date. The day was February fifth.

February fifth, Rachel's birthday. No one remembered. There were no presents. There was no party, not that she wanted one. How could she expect anyone else to remember her birthday if she forgot herself? Staring at the ceiling, Rachel flatly said to herself, "Happy birthday. Happy sweet sixteen." Cradling her injured hand, she carefully rolled over and fell asleep.

Gradually waking up, Rachel's hand throbbed. She could still move her fingers but they were sore. She got ready for school and went downstairs to an empty house. Trigon and Laura had already left. She remembered them coming home late last night. They never said a word to her. They never checked to see if she was home. They didn't care, thought Rachel. Maybe Trigon was avoiding her as much as she was avoiding him?

Rachel wondered how much Trigon knew or saw that night. Did Trigon send _him_ to just scare her, nothing more? Or did Trigon tell _him_ to destroy her? She shuddered at the thought of her father sending someone to do that to her. What kind of father would do something so horrible? Rachel shuddered again. She knew it could've been worse. There were some horrible fathers who hurt their daughters like that. She prayed that her father didn't know and didn't send that monster to do that. She hated her father but she didn't want him to be _that_ evil.

Rachel slowly walked to school. She was in no mood to see Roy or anyone else for that matter. She was afraid that Roy would tell everyone about how she freaked out. Getting closer to school, of course there were more students. Some of those students might know about her night with Roy and how she fucked up. Rachel stopped in her tracks. She knew she _should_ go to school. She knew she _should_ just get passed that. She's not the only one who's had something like that happen. Nothing about her situation made her special. Rachel told herself for the millionth time, to just get over it. She knew what she should do but she wasn't sure she could.

Glancing at the students going towards the school, Rachel turned around. She couldn't go there, not today. She didn't know where she was going. She just knew she had to get away from that building full of people. People who didn't care one bit about her. If someone had cared even the slightest bit for her, wouldn't they have noticed her red-rimmed eyes from crying?

As Rachel walked away from the school, she caught a glimpse of a dark car from the corner of her eye. Her heart raced. Was that _his_ car? She watched it go around the corner. Was he going around the block? Was he coming back for her? Panicking, Rachel hurried down a side street. She kept walking but going the opposite direction that car had turned. Rachel continued moving away from the school, making different turns until she was sure that she'd lost that dark car.

Not only did Rachel lose that car but she also got herself lost. She had no idea where she was or how to get back to her house. Turning a corner, Rachel saw an old cemetery at the end of the block. She knew where she was now. She wondered if she should go to the cemetery. She had nothing better to do. Besides, she thought, no one would find her there.

Stepping through the gated that read, Hope Cemetery, Rachel felt strange but at peace. As far as she knew, no one she knew what buried there. She realized most people would think she was morbid or creepy but she found the cemetery peaceful and interesting. It was serene, almost like a garden with the trees and plants.

Rachel strolled around the cemetery. She wasn't sad as she read the headstones. Instead, she wondered about their stories. What were their lives like? One headstone did affect Rachel some. It was decorated with teddy bear angels. It read, "Our beloved son is with the angels." The little boy had only been four months old. Rachel couldn't imagine how hard it must have been times bury a small child. Wiping away tears, she wandered to another section.

From a distance, Rachel saw a funeral taking place. She didn't want to bother them so she turned to an older part of the cemetery. She wouldn't bother anyone there. Someone of the headstones were elaborate while others were simple. Most were well-worn. A few looked neglected, they were overgrown with weeds. Rachel continued to study the headstones when one caught her attention. Charlotte Madsen, born September 2, 1847, died March 23, 1906.

Rachel didn't know who that person was but she might have been an ancestor. Angela's maiden name was Madsen. Rachel frowned. They've only thing she knew about her mother's family was that her parents were strict. Rachel knew nothing about her father's family. She was ashamed that she didn't know if any of her grandparents were still alive. She didn't even know if she had any relatives. Were there aunts, uncles, cousins out there? Rachel couldn't help wondering if things would have been better if she'd had some family to turn to.

She shook her head. Nothing would change the past. She turned her attention back to the headstone. The dates were interesting. That person's birth year and year of her death were the same as Azaria's, only a hundred years earlier. Rachel remembered Azaria. She was the closest thing Rachel had to a grandmother. She remembered how sad she was when Azaria died. That was young Rachel's first dealing with death.

Rachel didn't know much about gardening but she decided to tend to this woman's gravesite. It didn't matter to Rachel whether she was an ancestor or not. As the teen knelt down and picked through the weeds, she thought about Azaria's death.

 _Angela found her daughter at the swing set, she said, "Hi, thought I'd find you here. Mind if I sit down?"_

 _Ten-year old Rachel kicked the ground with the toe of her black Mary Janes. This caused her to swing some more. "Sure, if you want to."_

 _Angela sat on the swing then straightened the fabric of her black dress. "How are you doing?"_

 _"Mom, why did Azaria have to die?"_

 _"She had cancer and when it was discovered, it was too late."_

 _"Then why didn't she go to the hospital or doctors. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you get sick like that? My friend Kimmi's grandpa had cancer and he went to doctors all the time and now he's better. Why didn't Azaria do that?"_

 _Angela smiled sadly, "You know how she was. She wasn't like other people. Would she have been happy stuck in a hospital?"_

 _Rachel mumbled no as she shook her head. They're both quiet for a moment. Rachel suddenly said, "It's not fair."_

 _"I know sweetie."_

 _"I saw something earlier and I wanted to call her and tell her about it but I can't. She's not here anymore."_

 _"Azaria's not here physically but you can still talk to her. She's in your heart."_

 _Rachel's voice trembled as she said again, "It's not fair."_

 _"I know, sweetie, I know. But she's always with you. It might help if you continue what she taught you."_

Rachel sighed, she'd forgotten about Azaria's teachings. Maybe if she started meditating again, it would help? Rachel hadn't done much meditating since Azaria's death. She hoped she remembered how to do it.

Settling herself comfortably on the ground in front of a possible ancestor's grave, Rachel got ready to meditate. She didn't know if she was making a huge religious mistake by meditating at a grave but this was something she needed to do. Meditation was part of Azaria's religion, for lack of a better word. Rachel remembered Azaria wasn't exactly religious but spiritual. Maybe that was why Rachel's mother was drawn to the older woman? Azaria was a free spirit compared to what Rachel knew of her overly strict and religious grandparents.

Rachel sat in a lotus position with her hands resting on her knees. She looked up at the sky and said, "Azaria, I wish you were still here. I wish you could help me. I miss you." Rachel closed her eyes and softly began the mantra Azaria taught her. It didn't take long for the troubled teen to feel calm. A slight breeze blew around the loose blades of grass and leaves that Rachel had just pulled. She continued meditating but felt a peaceful presence around her. Rachel grinned slightly. She had a feeling that Azaria's spirit was nearby.

The meditation continued until Rachel got too cold sitting on the ground. It was getting late. She should go home whether she wanted to or not. Rachel made a note of where this grave was. She might not be any relation to this Charlotte Madsen, but Rachel wanted to visit again. She sighed as she walked away. Looking back at the headstone, Rachel thought it was sad that a woman who's been dead for over one hundred years might be the closest thing she had for a family.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Please. Review. Otherwise, I won't know what works or doesn't work.**


	31. Chapter 31: Somewhere I Belong

**Disclaimer : I do not own Teen Titans, Linkin Park or any of these lyrics.**

* * *

 **Chapter 31: Somewhere I Belong**

* * *

 ** _"I will …/…find myself today" –_ Somewhere I Belong, Linkin Park**

* * *

Over the next few days, Rachel's hand gradually felt better. The swelling had gone down, the cuts were healing and the bruises were fading. She still tried to keep her hand hidden because Rachel didn't want to answer questions about how she hurt her hand. But that was kind of hard since it's was her writing hand that she hurt. Although, if anyone noticed, they didn't say anything. No one ever said anything when it came to Rachel's wellbeing. Somehow, she always slipped through the cracks.

Rachel was still angry about her argument with Debbie. Every time the dark-haired teen thought about it, she felt her anger building. Her fists would clench and she knew an angry flush was creeping up her neck. Why wouldn't she believe her? Would Debbie have believed her if Rachel had actually said the words, 'I was raped'? Probably not. For some reason, even though Debbie liked Rachel, she'd already made up her mind about the teen. Rachel was already a troubled teen so what was one more thing to pile onto her?

Before classes one day, Rachel was trying to forget what Debbie had said about her. Rachel knew that she wasn't lying about what happened to her. She saw Kitten talking and laughing with her friends. Rachel couldn't stand that girl. She couldn't believe they'd once been best friends let alone just friends. They had nothing in common. One time, when Kitten looked Rachel's direction and laughed harder, Rachel assumed she was laughing at her. The dark-haired teen's eyes narrowed. Of course, Roy told _her_ about how she'd freaked out.

As Kitten and her friends laughed in the hallway, Rachel stood still as HIS words echoed in her mind. " _Your father has a message for you. He needs you to know who's in control around here. I believe his exact words were, 'I need that little bitch to know I'm still in control.' Obviously, he can't do anything with the authorities watching him. According to your father, you still need to be punished_." Rachel trembled as she remembered HIS hands on her. None of that would've happened if somebody hadn't said something to the police.

Rachel made the connection, she got hurt because someone exposed the abuse. She could handle her father's abuse. Yes, she was hurting, confused and scared after one of her father's beatings, but that, that terrifying night was too much. Nearly every fiber of her being hurt after _that_ happened. She remembered how Trigon had promised to destroy her life if anyone found out about the abuse. Well, he did that. That monster destroyed her forever. Rachel knew she could never be the girl she was before.

Remembering how Kitten had spread rumors about her family when they were younger, Rachel threw her books into her locker. Her anger towards her father, Slade and even Debbie mixed with her anger for Kitten. Fuming, she stormed over to her former friend. Rachel surprised Kitten when she slammed the blonde against the lockers. "Are you happy now! You got what you wanted! My life is hell!" Kitten's friends tried to push Rachel away. But Rachel's rage consumed her. She saw red as she kept going after Kitten. She kept pushing Kitten against the lockers.

Kitten screamed, "Stop! I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't bothered you for months."

Rachel laughed a menacing, almost evil laugh. "Right. You're innocent. You didn't do anything but spread rumors about me, again." Rachel grabbed a fistful of Kitten's hair. Kitten cried out, frantically trying to get free. Rachel pulled the blonde hair and snarled, "Tell me why you did it! Did you get a good laugh at my expense?"

"Ow! Stop! I don't know what you want! Stop! You're hurting me!"

Rachel's eyes narrowed as she glared at the girl against the lockers. In a soft, deadly voice that only Kitten could hear, Rachel whispered, "Do you know what it's like to beg for your life? Do you know what it's like to pray for death if that would mean everything would stop?"

Kitten's blue eyes were large with fear. What was Rachel going to do to her? The blonde was paralyzed by fear. Finally finding her voice, Kitten screamed, "Stop! Get her off me! She's crazy! She's gonna hurt me! Somebody get her off of me!"

"Rachel! Stop!" A guy grabbed Rachel around her waist and pulled her off of Kitten. Rachel struggled to get free.

Rachel screamed in terror, "NO! Let me go!" Strong arms around her waist was too much like that unspeakable night.

Kitten and the others stared at Rachel. They'd never heard someone scream like that. They didn't think Rachel's scream sounded human.

The guy set Rachel down. He took his arms away from her waist but he kept a hold of her. He spun her around and took her by her shoulders, giving her a little shake. "Rachel, you have to stop this. You can't fight like this, not here, not at school."

Malcolm's accent broke through her anger. Rachel stopped struggling and looked around. Kitten was upset and some of her friends were trying to calm her down. One friend ran to get help. A crowd gathered around them. People were pointing at the two girls. Rachel overheard some of them talking about her. "She just snapped and attacked her." "She's crazy." "Have you ever heard someone scream like that."

Rachel felt like everyone was glaring at her. They were all talking about how she did something no one ever did, she went after Kitten. Rachel has always hated being the center of attention. It was so much worse now. This was _not_ how to be angry. Someone might figure out her secret. She closed her eyes, trying to block out everyone. "Oh no. What did I do?" She dropped her head down. "I'm in big trouble, aren't I?"

Malcolm took Rachel's arm and pulled her towards an outside door. "C'mon, let's get your some air while things calm down."

"But …"

"Do you want to wait here and get in trouble?"

"No, but …"

"C'mon, let's go." Once outside, away from everyone, Rachel began to calm down. Malcolm asked her, "What was that all about?"

Rachel looked down at the fading bruises on her hand. Currently, that was the only physical reminder that she's been seriously hurt. It wasn't even a direct result of that night several weeks ago. She realized that even if Kitten found out about the abuse and told about it, what happened to Rachel wasn't Kitten's fault. Rachel knew she had only herself to blame. She should've worked harder at keeping the abuse secret. Rachel thought everything that has gone wrong was her fault and she was probably making things worse. Of course, she couldn't say any of that. So as she stuffed her hands into her coat pockets, she told Malcolm, "I don't know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that but she makes me so angry. Sometimes, Kitten's such a bitch."

Malcolm has only been at JCHS a couple months but he had to agree with her. "Hey, wanna get outta here?"

"What? What do you mean? Where?"

"I don't know, somewhere else. After _that_ , I don't think you wanna be here anymore today."

Rachel considered it for a moment. If she left school, she'd probably be in more trouble, but Malcolm was right. She didn't want to stay here. "Okay, yeah, let's go somewhere."

They walked in silence to the parking lot. Once there, Malcolm said, "I've got my bike. Ever ride one before?" Rachel shook her head no. He handed her a helmet and instructed her, "Just hold on and follow my lead. When I lean into a turn, you do this same."

Rachel looked at him a second before putting on the helmet. She was a little nervous. She felt a little weird sitting on the back of Malcolm's motorcycle. She hesitantly put her hands on his waist. She started to rethink this. It was just too weird. Malcolm revved up the engine, making her jump. When he started moving the motorcycle, Rachel tightly wrapped her arms around him. The motorcycle was so loud, she couldn't hear anything but she felt him laughing.

Blushing, Rachel loosened her grip some. Gradually, she began to relax some. Between the roar of the bike and racing down the streets, Rachel felt free. She hadn't felt that way in a long time. She grinned and enjoyed the ride.

After a while, Malcolm pulled over the side of the street. They were far from the high school. He stopped the bike and took off his helmet. Rachel did the same. "So, what do you think? You liked it, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did." That surprised her. She never thought she'd like riding a motorcycle. She was so happy, she actually smiled. "I felt so, I don't know, free. I don't know how to explain it."

Malcolm returned a smile. "I get it. Where do you wanna go?"

"I don't know, but I wish I didn't have to wear this" she held up to helmet. "I'd love to feel the wind through my hair."

"Yeah, I know, but I promised my folks that I'd wear one every time I ride. It's a small price to pay so my mum doesn't have to worry about my noggin. Hey, I know, why don't we go to the amusement park?"

"But that's almost forty minutes away."

"It's not that long on this thing," He patted his bike.

Rachel wasn't sure. "But it's February, is it even open?"

"I don't know. It's been kinda warm lately, so maybe they are open. Even if they're not open, you can at least have a long ride to clear your head."

Rachel wasn't sure. She wasn't afraid of Malcolm's motorcycle. Even though today was the first time she'd ridden a motorcycle, she thought she could handle a long ride. And it wasn't that she didn't trust Malcolm, not really. She didn't think he'd try to hurt her. He'd never hinted that he liked her in any way other than neighbors. And after all, he was helping her, wasn't he? Although, that didn't stop her from feeling skittish about being alone with a guy. The last time she was alone with a guy, she freaked out and screwed up. She didn't want to do that again. The time before that …no, she wouldn't think about that.

She didn't want to go back to school and get in trouble but Rachel was afraid she'd be in more trouble if she stayed out of school. Rachel looked at Malcolm's outstretched hand. "So, what do you say? Are we going?"

Rachel looked towards the direction of the school. She already knew she'd be in trouble, what was one more thing? Maybe a day of freedom was what she needed? "Okay," she donned the helmet, "let's go."

* * *

Malcolm was right, the ride only took about thirty minutes for them to get to the amusement park. Rachel's shoulders dropped with disappointment as they pulled into the empty parking lot. The amusement park was closed. Now what?

Pulling off her helmet, Rachel voiced her thoughts. "So now what?" Malcolm walked over to the locked gate. "What are you doing?"

"I think I could break this lock. We could go in and check it out. We couldn't do any rides but it might be neat to be the only ones here. What do you say?"

Shaking her head, Rachel laughed. "I'm already in enough trouble for fighting with Kitten and skipping school with you. I don't need to add breaking and entering to the list. My father would lose it." As if on cue, Rachel's phone rang. It was her father. Knowing that she'd probably pay for it later, Rachel pushed the button to ignore the call.

"Who was that?"

"My dad but I don't want to talk to him. He'd probably tell me that I'm ruining my life. He probably already thinks I have. If he knows that I'm with you, he probably thinks we're getting drunk or high or having sex." She slightly shivered.

"Wow, he thinks that highly of me?"

"Don't take it personally. He doesn't like teenagers. Unfortunately, he sometimes forgets that he has one living under his roof." Before Malcolm could respond, Rachel pointed to a poster on the wall. "Look at that." The poster was for a carnival. "Maybe we can still have some fun before going back to Jump City?"

She frowned when her phone rang again. She did not want to talk to her father. Rachel knew he'd keep calling until she answered. She started to turn it off when Malcolm stopped her. "Wait, he's probably just worried about you. His daughter left school with a strange tatted kid with a motorcycle, he wants to know you're safe. You can't blame him for that, can you?"

"Fine." Rachel comprised and left Laura a message that she was safe and would be home later. Rachel knew Laura would tell Trigon. Then she turned off her phone. She didn't want anyone ruining her day.

At the carnival, it was still early so it wasn't very busy. That made Rachel happy. There wasn't a big crowd. Riding several rides, Rachel actually smiled and laughed. She felt so free. Even if it was for a day she could forget everything and be a kid again.

After having a lunch of funnel cakes they were sitting on a wall, eating cotton candy.

"So, how are things with you and your dad? The last time I really saw you was right after he was arrested. What was that all about?"

Rachel sighed. She'd hoped he'd forgotten that. "Things were blown out of proportion. Sometimes we argue. Now that Laura's thrown in, sometimes emotions run high. We got to arguing in public one time. Guess someone thought something was wrong."

"How is it having a stepmother?"

Rachel shrugged as she pulled off a piece of cotton candy and popped it in her mouth. "I don't know, okay I guess. It's been just me and dad for a few years. It takes a little time to get used to having her around."

"What about your mum? Where is she? Does she know about your father's arrest?"

"I don't know. She's living her own life. In fact, I might have a stepfather. I met him once. He seemed nice. But otherwise, I don't really know anything about my mother."

* * *

Before going home, Malcolm and Rachel stopped on a hill that overlooked Jump City. The city lights shined below them and the night sky sparkled above them. Rachel laughed quietly and sadly as she lay back and stared at the stars. "Growing up is hell. When we're little, that's all we want to do. We want to be grown up. As a kid, we don't realize all the responsibilities that come with age. Now that I'm older, I just want the simplicity of being a kid."

Malcolm nodded in agreement. Rachel sat up and looked at him. His nearly white hair and blue eyes were almost mesmerizing. He was so different than anyone she'd ever known. He was so different from herself. He'd been all over the world, while she hadn't traveled much further than her own backyard. She was amazed that someone so different could understand her. She thought he truly understood what she was saying. She continued to look at him while he gazed at the city lights.

When Rachel didn't say anything for awhile, he turned to her. On an impulse, Rachel kissed Malcolm. The kiss caught him off guard. The kiss wasn't a simple, friendly or chaste kiss. It was a kiss that could build in to something more. He was surprised but returned the kiss.

Breaking away from the kiss, Rachel said softly, "Will you sleep with me?" Shocked that she just said that, she covered her mouth with her hands. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." She started to get up but Malcolm stopped her. "I'm sorry, I can't believe I said that. Don't listen to me. It was just a stupid thought from a stupid girl."

"Why do you put yourself down like that? Look, if you were older, I'd probably like to be with you. But you're too young. I mean, you're a sophomore and I'm a senior. That might not bother some guys but I'd feel like I was taking advantage of you. I don't want to do that."

Frustrated with herself, Rachel grumbled, "I keep screwing up everything. Ugh! Why do I have to be so stupid?"

"You're not stupid. But didn't you just get finished saying that you want the ease of being young again? Sex just complicates things. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up. Life makes you do that anyway, so don't rush things." Rachel sat in silence. She wouldn't tell anyone but she knew about being forced to grow up faster than wanting to.

After several minutes of silence, Malcolm didn't know if Rachel was annoyed with him or herself. "Ready to go?" Rachel shrugged. He got up first and offered her a hand up.

Once standing, Rachel swayed slightly. She felt lightheaded. "Whoa," she grabbed her head.

Malcolm was quickly at her side. "Hey, kid, you alright?"

"Yeah," Rachel tried pushing aside the dizziness. "Think I got up too fast."

Concerned, he looked at her. She looked more pale than usual. Her skin looked kind of ashen. He held her arm to support her. "Do you wanna sit down again?"

"No, I …I'm alright." She tried to ignore her unsettled stomach. Why did she feel like this? "I wanna go home." Rachel was glad they didn't have far to go.

Whatever Malcolm said next, Rachel didn't hear. All sounds became muffled and she was suddenly clammy. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

Malcolm still had his arm around her, supporting her when Rachel slumped against him. He tried to hold her up, but she was unconscious. Supporting her head, Malcolm carefully laid his friend back on the ground. He was worried. He didn't know what to do other than to check her pulse. So he did that. Rachel's pulse was strong. So why did she pass out?

Malcolm had his phone out, trying to decide if he should call his parents or an ambulance. What if something was seriously wrong with Rachel? He heard her starting to wake up. He knelt down over her.

Rachel's eyes slowly fluttered open. Malcolm's face gradually came into focus. "Hey, kid, you scared me."

Why was she on the ground? Why was she waking up? Had she been unconscious? Why was Malcolm over her? Did he try something? Did he touch her while she was unconscious? Panicking, Rachel tried to scramble away from Malcolm. He grabbed her wrist, trying to keep her from getting up too fast.

"No, no, no. Let go. Please …"

He saw her fear and tried to calm her down. "Shh, Rachel, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."

"Wh-what happened? W-what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything, you fainted." Frantic, Rachel tried to stand, but Malcolm wouldn't let her. "Don't get up yet. Why don't you just rest for a while? Then we can go and get you checked out."

Get checked out? No, that couldn't happen. Her awful secret might be discovered. "What? No, I'm okay."

"But you fainted. That's not usually a sign of being okay."

Rachel cautiously shook her head. She felt a little better. That strange sensation had passed. "I know, but I think it's because I need to eat."

He eyed her slender frame. "When was the last time you ate? I mean a real meal, not the junk food we had today."

"I don't know, maybe yesterday?"

Malcolm ran his hand through his nearly white hair. "I don't think I'll ever understand you girls and your diets."

"Sorry, I sometimes forget."

"Will you be alright if I go to the store a few blocks back? I'll get you something to eat. Then I'll call you a cab. I don't think you should ride on the back of my bike."

"No, I can still ride. The feeling has passed. I don't feel like fainting. But I promise to stay here and rest while you're gone."

While Malcolm was gone, Rachel stared up at the stars. Why did she faint? She'd never fainted before. Everything felt so strange. She hated it and hoped it was like she told Malcolm. She hoped not eating anything but sugar and a day of riding the back of his bike was all it was. She didn't want to faint again.

When Malcolm returned, he handed her a bottled water and an energy bar. Rachel sheepishly accepted them. She felt foolish for causing such fuss. She was relieved he hadn't called for help. Slowly eating, she began to feel better. Maybe that's all it was? She hadn't eaten enough. She'd have to remember to not get so distracted that she forgot to eat. This, fainting, could not happen again.

Malcolm made sure that she sat still for a while after she was done eating. He was worried about her and wanted to make sure she was okay. He couldn't have her fainting while she was on his bike. He looked over at Rachel. He was concerned about her. He had questions and was trying to figure out how to ask them.

"Um, Rachel, when you were passed out, I had to check your pulse. When I pushed up your sleeves," Rachel self-consciously held her right arm to herself. "I saw you had cuts and scars on your arm. What made you do that?"

"It's not what you think. I …"

"Don't try saying that you got scratched by a cat. You don't have a cat. Why did you hurt yourself?"

Rachel turned from Malcolm. "You wouldn't understand."

"I think I might." Rachel heard the rustling of fabric. She turned to see Malcolm pulling up his pant leg. She stared in astonishment at the white scars that ran up and down his leg. Questions filled her eyes as she looked up at him. Malcolm sighed before he began. "I had a twin brother. His name was Rory. He was the serious one but that didn't mean he wasn't any fun. We were best friends. You know it's pretty cool having your best friend always there, from the beginning.

"When we were fourteen, we went to a large stream with some of our friends. We were just larking around. You know, having fun. We started doing dares. They were simple, nothing dangerous. I dared Rory to walk over a fallen tree that the other side of the stream.

"Remember, he was the levelheaded one. He didn't want to do it but I taunted him. Reluctantly he started across …" Malcolm covered his face with his hands before he continued. "Rory never made it. He …his foot …slipped." Rachel softly gasped. She understood where Malcolm was going with his story.

"Hey was a good swimmer. He tried to swim to us. We tried to reach him. I almost had his hand but the current was faster than we thought. Rory was pulled under."

With tears in her eyes, Rachel whispered that she was sorry.

"I felt responsible, like it was my fault. I mean, I did dare him. I guess it was kind of a survivors guilt, like it should've been me, not him." Malcolm sighed, "I started cutting because, for a while, I couldn't feel anything but guilt. The cutting gave me something else I could focus on. I'd been do it for almost a year when my mum found me one day. She must've been terrified. She'd already lost one somnolence and now she had to worry about losing her other one.

"As a family, we were all hurting. We still are. We went to counseling. It wasn't easy and we still need to see someone sometimes. It took me a long time to stop cutting. I realized that I needed a physical reminder of my brother. That's why I got the dragon tattoos. Now, it's a little like he's a part of me." Malcolm looked over at Rachel. She was whipping her eyes. "Why do you cut?"

"I'm sorry about your brother." Rachel pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

"Thank you. But why do you cut?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know."

"I think you do. Everyone who cuts has their reason. They're all different. I've learned that many who cut do it because that's a pain they can control. That's kinda why I did it."

After a few minutes of silence, Rachel softly said, "I, I do it because I deserve it. I need to be punished."

"What! Why? What could you have done that's so bad that you need to hurt yourself to be punished?"

Rachel quickly wiped her eyes again. "I caused my mom heartache. She was in a mental institution because of me."

"You don't know that. There could be any number of reasons for why your mum's had problems."

Rachel said softly, "She tried to kill herself because …she couldn't handle motherhood. So, see?"

Malcolm supportively rubbed her arm. "I'm sorry, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be hurt."

She shook her head as she wiped her eyes again. "Don't worry, I don't do it often. I only do it when I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what else to do."

After a few moments of silence, Malcolm asked, "Does your dad know?"

"Yeah, but he thinks I've stopped." It didn't matter that Trigon started it. He'd never know that he started her on the path of cutting. He'd never know that she continued it.

"Rachel …"

"I'm tired and want to go home. I promise I won't faint." Malcolm nodded and offered her a hand again. This time there were no problems. Rachel was steady on her feet.

Rachel decided she'd enjoy the ride because she was afraid it might be her last one. She didn't feel comfortable being around Malcolm now that he knew some of one of her secrets.

Once home, Malcolm said, "Call me if you ever want to talk. Sometimes talking helps to get passed the impulse to cut." Rachel said she would, even though they were both certain she wouldn't. She sighed as she crossed the yard to her house.

Inside, Trigon was waiting for her. Rachel didn't even get the door closed before he started in on her. "Where were you? Someone from your school called looking for you. I made up an excuse but where were you?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. She muttered, "Like you care."

Trigon narrowed his eyes. "What'd you say?"

"Nothing." She backed up when he reached for her. Rachel knew she had to be careful, she didn't want a fight. But she was so angry with him. "I'm going to bed."

"No, you're not, not yet." Trigon grabbed Rachel's wrist. She gasped but didn't say anything. "I want answers. Why didn't you answer my calls?"

"Fine," Rachel growled as she pulled her wrist from her father's hand. She glared up at him. How dare he lay a hand on her? "I needed to get away from school for a while. And I didn't answer your calls because I didn't want to talk to you. I left Laura a message. Didn't she tell you?"

"She told me but she shouldn't have to do that."

"She wanted to be a stepmother, things like this come with the job."

"What the hell is your problem? You've never acted like this. Where were you and who were you with?"

"I was with Malcolm and we just rode around on his bike."

"You were with that punk neighbor kid with the motorcycle? I don't like you hanging around him. I don't trust him. He'll probably be a felon someday." Rachel rolled her eyes again and Trigon noticed that her eyes were red. It looked like she'd been crying. "What happened to you? Did he try something with you?"

"No, nothing happened between us."

"Then why do you look like you've been crying? I don't trust teenaged boys. They're only after one thing. That's why I didn't want you dating that jerk. He only wanted to get in your pants."

"Thanks, dad." Rachel couldn't believe her father. He was worried about boys touching her? Boys weren't what she had to worry about.

"What? What did I say?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe suggesting that the only reason a guy would be interested in me would be to have sex? You think the only thing I'm good for is sex? Nice of you to have such a high opinion of your own daughter."

"That's not what I meant and you know it. I said it wrong but I was only looking out for you."

Rachel almost laughed. He was looking out for her? He hadn't concerned himself with her wellbeing for awhile. He didn't notice her. It was even worse now that Laura was here. Rachel was the third wheel that was easily forgotten. However, Rachel realized that her father seemed to thrive on her misery. Maybe that's why he was noticing her now?

"So, why have you been crying?"

He's only now notched that she's been crying? She's been crying everyday for weeks. Whatever. He said he cares but it was obvious that he didn't. "Malcolm told me something sad"

"What did he tell you?" Obviously, he didn't trust her either.

"Not that it's any of your business, but he told me about his brother's death, okay? I know you and everyone else thinks I have ice in my veins but I do feel things. Sometimes I feel too much."

Trigon took a step back. He'd never seen his daughter like this. She'd never snapped at him, not like this. That was probably because she knew what would happen if she did. Why was she different now. What had changed? Was it because Laura was in her life? Was Laura inadvertently giving his daughter self-confidence or something.

The door opened, father and daughter glared at Laura who came through it.

"There you are. Where have you been? Do you know how worried your father and I have been?"

"Right. I'm surprised either of you even noticed I wasn't around."

"What is this all about? Are you mad that we got married?"

"Do whatever you want." Rachel turned to her father, "You've told me many times that you're the adult and I'm just a kid, so I have no say in anything that goes on around here.."

"Rachel, we didn't mean to upset you. We thought you didn't want to go with us when we got married."

"Shut up."

"Rachel," warned Trigon, "don't speak to her like that. Show some respect."

Angry and frustrated tears formed in Rachel's eyes. "Respect?" Both Trigon and Laura were concerned. "Why the hell do I have to respect everyone when nobody respects me?"

Laura caringly touched the teen's hair out of her eyes. Rachel flinched. "Rachel, sweetie, what's wrong? Did something happen today?"

Trigon asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk?" Rachel pulled away from her stepmother. "No! Oh God, would you both just shut up and leave me alone."

After that outburst, Rachel ran up the stairs to her room. Trigon and Laura stood in shock until they heard the teen's door slam shut.

"Where did that come from? She's never acted out like that."

"I don't know, what was that about?"

"I don't know."

"Where was she today?"

Trigon sighed, "She was with that neighborhood kid."

"Then one with the white hair? Maybe this is because she likes him but he doesn't feel the same way about her? Or do you think he tried something with her?"

"I don't want him hanging around her. I don't trust him. He seems like the kind of guy who'd take advantage of her. Rachel's too young to be mixed up with a lot of dating and romance."

"Aw, Tri, she's growing up. You can't stop that no matter how much you want that. Rachel's going to be interested in boys. And I know you don't want to think about it but she's going to know what it's like to have a boy touch her. She's sixteen and had a boyfriend. I wouldn't be surprised if they did some things."

"You're right. I don't want to hear about any guy touching my daughter."

"Well, I doubt they went all the way and had sex."

"I don't want to hear about that."

"Okay, I won't say anymore, right now. How about I talk with her later? She's too upset right now."

"Sure, if you could talk with her, that'd be great. Warn her that if she ever gets with a guy before she's married and gets pregnant, I'll disown her."

"Tri, isn't that a little harsh?"

"No, I mean it. I don't want my daughter in that situation."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. PLEASE review.**


	32. Chapter 32: One Step Closer

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Linkin Park or any lyrics**

* * *

 **Chapter 32: One Step Closer**

* * *

 **"Everything you …/ …break" – One Step Closer, Linkin Park**

* * *

"Attention students and faculty," the voice said over the intercom, "would Rachel Roth, please come down to the principal's office."

Rachel glanced up at her teacher, who nodded for her to go. The dark-haired teen inwardly groaned as she gathered her books. She didn't know how long she'd be out of class. She had a sinking feeling it had to do with her fight with Kitten and skipping school with Malcolm. She hoped he didn't get into too much trouble. Trying to ignore the stares and snickering, Rachel walked out of the classroom. Dreading what she had to face, she slowly walked through the empty halls.

As she went through the doors of the main office, Rachel thought about how she was never in the principal's office until last year. The secretary must have thought the same thing because she shook her head slightly upon seeing the dark-haired teen. The secretary motioned for Rachel to enter the principal's office. Rachel took a deep breath before entering.

Once she was in the principal's office, Rachel felt a slight prick of panic. She was going to be alone with a man. She knew she was ridiculous for being afraid of her principal. She knew he'd never hurt her. Even if he was the kind of guy who'd do something like that, he wouldn't do anything during the day, with other people around. Rachel forced her panicky feelings down.

Mr. O'Donnell motioned for her to sit down. Over the years, he'd seen several students like Rachel. None of them wanted to be in the principal's office. Some showed their fear but most were like the girl sitting in front of him. They struggled to hide their fear. He watched Rachel. She was doing a better job then most at hiding what she was feeling. If she was worried, she didn't show it. She looked more annoyed or bored than anything else. He couldn't help but to wonder what made some of the students get into trouble.

"I'm sure you know why I called you down here." Rachel just sat there, reserved. She didn't show any emotion. "You know we don't permit fighting on school property. Actually, we don't condone fighting of any kind, at school or elsewhere. Now, I don't know what exactly happened between you and Kitten Moth, but I have to take some action. For the next two weeks, you'll have detention after school." He got no reaction from the blue-eyed girl. He needed her to this was serious. "If there is another outburst like this one, you will be suspended for a while." Still nothing from Rachel. "If it comes to that, I will have to call your father." There was a flicker of something. Mr. O'Donnell thought it might have been fear but the emotion was gone as fast as it appeared.

"Rachel, I think you're a good kid but you seem to have a problem. That's why I didn't call your father about this. I think you might have something on your mind that you're trying to work out. You know you can always come to me or anyone here at school if you need to talk."

Rachel sat in silence. If she had anything to say, she wasn't going to reveal it. It was almost as if he jaw was wired shut. She told herself to stay calm. She couldn't let on how angry she was.

While her principal was talking, she thought back to last night. After Trigon and Laura had gone to bed, Rachel snuck downstairs. She rummaged through Laura's purse. If Rachel was going to run away, she'd need more money. She knew she couldn't steal from her father but Laura should be easy enough. But her stepmother didn't have a lot of extra cash. However, she did have numerous credit cards. Rachel doubted Laura would realize right away that one was missing. The teen slipped a card into her pocket before sneaking back to her room.

Rachel was aware of that card in her pocket as she was lectured. She knew she couldn't keep the card. After school, she'd withdraw some money. Rachel knew she couldn't take too much out or else she'd be discovered. If Laura noticed that money was missing, Rachel hoped that she'd believe that it was a mistake or that her card had been hacked.

When her principal mentioned not calling her father, Rachel's fear was greater than she could control, at least at first. She quickly pushed down her emotions. She couldn't show how much she feared him. That was how so many of her problems had started. She'd gotten too emotional and reacted to things. She was careless and had to be careful not to do that anymore.

Rachel mentally rolled her eyes when he mentioned that she could always talk if she wanted to. That was a joke. She'd heard that before but it was just talk. No one wanted to hear about her problems. People said that they'd listen, that they'd help but that was a lie. Rachel thought it was obvious that nobody cared about her, nobody.

When Rachel finally spoke, her voice was even. She sounded calm. "I'm sorry. It shouldn't have happened and it won't happen again." They studied one another. Mr. O'Donnell suspected there was something she wanted to say. After a few moments of silence, Rachel asked, "Can it go back to class now?"

Mr. O'Donnell suppressed his sign, "Yes, we're done here. Have Mrs. Johnson get you a hall pass." He watched the teen leave his office. He was worried about her. She seemed to have almost a dark energy around her. She looked and for the most part, acted normal but he felt like something was wrong. He wondered if he should talk to her friends. Did they know if anything was wrong?

As Rachel walked back to her class she wondered if she could've, if she should've said something to Mr. O'Donnell. Debbie didn't believe her but maybe that was because Rachel didn't say it right. She didn't actually come out and say that she'd been raped. If she said those words, someone would have to believe her, right? Rachel shook her head. _He_ was right, no one would believe her. Nobody cared.

Rachel didn't realize someone was concerned for her and watching her.

* * *

After school, after withdrawing a couple hundred dollars from Laura's card, Rachel rode the bus out to Lake Rice Park. She was tired of everything, of everyone. She needed to get away for a little while. The day was mild for early February but Rachel didn't think there'd be many people on the trails.

She wasn't much of an outdoors person. She didn't go running or even walking except to get to places. Rachel wasn't athletic in any way. She thought people were crazy for going out for a run. Why get sweaty and hot for no reason?

But today, Rachel just needed some time to herself. She'd already tried the park nearby her house but that was too close to the house. She needed to clear her mind. She thought back to how ridiculous she thought it was that Trigon was worried about her being alone with Malcolm. He was worried that Malcolm would make a move on her. Didn't he know what Slade did to her? Maybe he didn't?

Maybe her father didn't send that monster to do _that_? But couldn't Trigon have saved her? Trigon had to have heard her screams even though HIS hand was on her mouth, muffling her screams. Why didn't her father care enough to save her? Rachel realized that he must really hate her.

She couldn't go much further, she had to sit down. Shivering, she hated thinking about that night. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop thinking about it. What was wrong with her? Why would she keep replaying something so horrible, so awful?

Sitting on a park bench, Rachel wondered if other people who'd been through something traumatic, continued to go over it in their minds. Did they keep replaying the traumatizing event, trying, hoping for the outcome to be different, to be better? Was being fixated on something so damaging causing her more harm? Rachel wanted to get better but was she sabotaging herself because she constantly thought of that night? Maybe she was damaging herself with her thoughts? The more Rachel thought about THAT, the angrier she got. That anger was like an acid eating away at her. Rachel knew she needed help but how? How would anyone help her if nobody believed her?

Rachel heard voices nearby. They sounded familiar. She didn't want to eavesdrop but the man and woman were raising their voices. Rachel couldn't make out what they were saying so she followed the sound of their voices.

Curious, she quietly walked closer to the source of their voices. Peaking around a tree, Rachel's eyes grew large at the sight she saw before her. Laura and Slade were arguing. The teen held her hand over her mouth to keep herself from screaming. She couldn't stand the sight of him. What was Laura doing here with him?

Rachel couldn't believe her eyes, Laura seemed to be flirting with him. Was she just trying to calm him down? Or were they _together_? Oh gross. Laura just married her father and now she was with Slade? How long has that been going on? Rachel didn't know what to do. Should she tell Trigon what she saw? She didn't like or trust her father but shouldn't he know that his new bride was cheating on him? But were they? They didn't look or act like lovers.

Frozen by fear at the sight of _him_ , Rachel stood behind the tree. Wrapping her arms around herself, she tried to stop herself from trembling. She couldn't go anywhere near him. This was the first time she'd seen _him_ since that horrendous night. Seeing him, made her fear and hatred for him solidify. She was so fearful that she couldn't make out what they were saying. What they were arguing about, Rachel had no idea.

Hearing footsteps walking away, Rachel prayed that Laura hadn't left. Rachel could _not_ be alone in the woods with _him_. What if he hurt her again? She let out a sigh of relief when she heard a woman's voice grumble to herself. Good, Laura was still there. He was gone.

Slowly, coming out from behind the tree, Rachel startled Laura. "What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing. What are you doing here and with him? Are you and …S-Slade, you know, together?" It took a lot for Rachel to say his name. Even in her mind, she never said his name.

"What? No, of course not." Laura looked at her stepdaughter. She looked upset about something. Was it because Rachel thought she was having an affair with Slade?

"Then what were you doing here with him? Why were you hiding in the woods with that …that …bastard?"

"Rachel! Thanks is no way for a young woman to talk, especially about someone whom your father and I trust."

"How can you trust him? He's awful." Laura had a sense that Rachel wasn't upset about that. Was she scared of Slade? Laura never found out what happened while she was out of town marrying Trigon. Slade never said. He only said that he took care of things and that Rachel shouldn't be a problem.

Laura remembered that Rachel seemed extra skittish or jumpy when they returned home. The teen seemed to be withdrawn into herself, into a shell. Slade must have really scared Rachel.

"Rachel, calm down. He's a good man." Laura wouldn't exactly consider Slade a good man. As she'd said to him, he had questionable scruples. But he was as awful as Rachel made him sound?

"A good man? _He_ is _not_ a good man. Does a good man …?" She couldn't finish.

"What? Does a good man, what?" Rachel shook her head. She couldn't say anything. She was sure Laura would be like Debbie and wouldn't believe her.

Laura looked at her stepdaughter who was shaking. What was wrong? Why was she so upset? Had Slade crossed the line of decency? Had he tried to do something with her stepdaughter that night? Rachel was just a teenager. She probably wouldn't know how to handle it if someone like Slade made advances towards her. Knowing how Slade was, had he touched the teen even if she didn't want it? "Rachel?"

The dark-haired teen self-consciously wiped away the tears that threatened to fall. "No. Nothing. Nothing is wrong. I have to get out of here." Her breathing increased as if she'd been running. Rachel wanted to leave but she couldn't move.

Rachel flinched when Laura touched her shoulder. She hadn't seen the teen act like this since the night her father had violently beaten her.

"Rachel, I think you're having a panic attack." She guided the teen to a bench. "Come on, let's sit down. You need to calm down." Laura rubbed Rachel's back as the teen tried to calm her breathing. "What's wrong? Why are you having a panic attack? Does it have something to do with Slade?"

"No. Just shut up. I don't want to talk about him."

"Why not? Has something happened between you two?"

"Oh God, shut up! I hate him!"

"Okay, okay, I won't say anymore about him." What was wrong with Rachel?

Once Rachel had calmed down some, Laura helped her to her car. Laura didn't understand why Rachel was so upset.

In Laura's car, Rachel wrapped her arms around herself. She couldn't stop shaking. She realized that she could've put herself in danger. She had to be more careful. What if Laura had left first? Rachel would've been alone in the woods with _him_. She couldn't let him hurt her again.

* * *

A few days later, Rachel absentmindedly wandered through the crowded hallway.

"Uh, Rachel?" Mrs. Baldwin, Rachel's English teacher from last year, interrupted her thoughts. "Could I speak with you for a moment?"

Rachel shrugged. She didn't know what her teacher wanted. Mrs. Baldwin guided her former student to the side, where it was a little more quiet and private.

"Rachel, I wanted to ask you if something is wrong."

"What? No, nothing's wrong." Instinctively, Rachel covered up her problems. She didn't know why she did that. Maybe it was out of habit? She was so used to doing that to keep her father's abuse secret.

"You've been skipping school lately and you lashed out at Kitten. I'm worried about you. Something is wrong."

"Mrs. Baldwin, I …uh …" Here was her chance. Rachel could tell her former teacher what HE did to her. If she opened up to someone, someone she trusted, maybe she could start to heal? Rachel tried to speak but nothing came.

Mrs. Baldwin looked over the teen as she hesitated. She thought the teen looked miserable. From what she understood, Rachel had withdrawn from her friends. She looked thinner and more pale than usual. She saw the dark circles under her eyes. It was as if Rachel was having trouble sleeping. The older woman took notice of Rachel's clothes. They were too large for her, they engulfed her petite frame. The dark-haired teen seemed to be trying to disappear in her clothes. Rachel's once long, beautiful hair, hung limp and lifeless around her face.

The older woman's eyes widened. She remembered when she, herself felt like this. She remembered when and why she withdrew from her friends and family. She quickly closed her eyes, trying to shut out the memories of a date that went horribly wrong. It was hard and it took time, but she got passed that. Was Rachel going through something like what she'd been through?

"Rachel? You've been hurt." It wasn't a question but a statement. Rachel's right hand twitched on her books. Mrs. Baldwin for the first time, saw the fading bruises and scabs.

Rachel quickly hid her hand and forced a smile on her lips. "It's nothing. I just wacked my hand on something," she quickly added, "accidentally."

Mrs. Baldwin thought she added that last word too fast. What had happened to Rachel wasn't an accident. "Rachel …"

"I have to go. I have to get to class. I'm sorry for making you worry. And I'm sorry about Kitten. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on her. But Mr. O'Donnell already talked to me. It won't happen again." Rachel turned and quickly disappeared in the crowd of students.

Both females couldn't stop thinking about their encounter. Mrs. Baldwin hoped that she was wrong about her suspicions. Rachel was torn between hoping her teacher hadn't figured it out and hoping that she had.

* * *

Rachel decided she should tell her father what happened to her. She didn't want to tell him. But she was afraid that Laura would figure out what happened and of what Laura would tell him. She practiced in her room. She tried out different ways of saying it. However, no amount of practice would make this any easier.

Finding Trigon in the study, Rachel took a deep breath before knocking on the door. "Dad, we have to talk. I have to tell you something."

"Can it wait? I was going to go into the office."

"Dad, please? What I have to say isn't easy for me."

"You're not going to tell me you like girls, are you? That might be fine for other people, but I don't want that for my daughter."

"No. Dad, will you just listen? I …" Rachel took a deep breath, but before she could say anything, Laura came into the room.

"Somebody stole money from me."

Father and daughter looked at her. They were shocked for different reasons. Rachel was surprised that Laura found out so soon.

"What? How?"

"I don't know but I'm missing about two hundred dollars."

"Maybe you're account was hacked into," suggested Rachel. She couldn't let them think that she took that money.

"Could that be what happened?" asked Trigon. He'd never seen his wife so upset. Nothing seemed to phase her.

"No, that's impossible. It came from this card," she held up a credit card. "I haven't used it for a while because I'm trying to pay it off."

"Okay, tell us what happened." Trigon guided his wife to take a seat.

"The other day, I couldn't find this card in my purse. I thought I might have misplaced it but like I said, I don't use it often. Then I did find it but it was in a different slot. It was removed then put back. Because of that, I checked on it. About two hundred dollars is missing. That doesn't sound like it's been hacked, does it?"

"No, it doesn't. Are you sure you didn't use it but forgot?"

"I didn't use this card." Trigon knew he didn't use Laura's card. That only left one person in the house who could've used it. The two adults turned to the teen. "Rachel?"

"What? I didn't do anything."

"Empty your pockets."

"Dad?" They didn't trust her. Yes, she took the money but they couldn't know that. She needed it to run away. She needed more money before she could run away.

"Empty your pockets. I want to see that you don't have Laura's money."

"I don't. I don't have her money." That was true. At least, it wasn't in her pocket. She was smart enough to hide the money. All she had in her pocket was a twenty dollar bill. Rachel showed that to her father. "See? I don't have her money. I don't know what happened to it but it wasn't me."

"No one else here knows what happened so that leaves you. What did you do with it? Are you doing drugs?"

"What! No. Why do you always assume things are my fault? Why am I always the one who's wrong." Rachel pointed to Laura, "Maybe she's the one who's doing something wrong? I saw her the other day arguing with …Slade."

"Rachel!" hissed Laura. She didn't want her husband or his daughter knowing that she'd also paid for Slade to torment the teen.

"This has nothing to do with Laura except her money is missing. Tell me what you did."

"I didn't do anything!"

Trigon grabbed for her but Rachel dodged him. She couldn't be beaten again. It would never be as bad as what Slade did to her but she couldn't suffer through that again. She ran from her father. He kept lunging for her.

"No!" she screamed, "I won't be hurt again!" Rachel ran out the door. She kept running as her father called after her.

She ran because she was afraid he'd catch up with her. She didn't want to be abused again. She ran until she couldn't run any more. Doubled over, with her hands on her knees, Rachel gasped for air.

She was scared to go home. Maybe she didn't have a home anymore? This wasn't how she'd planned to run away. She didn't have extra food, clothes or money. She only had the clothes on her back and that twenty dollars in her pocket. How far could she get with that? Not far.

Rachel knew she had to be careful. She also knew she had to hide in case her father sent someone, probably not the police, after her. A terrifying thought entered her mind, what if he sent _him_ to find her?

Grateful for the hooded sweatshirt she wore, Rachel pulled the hood up. She decided she'd stay away for as long as she could, then sneak back and get what she needed. Then maybe she go back to Hamilton. Maybe her mother didn't want her but maybe she'd help her?

What Rachel didn't know was Trigon wasn't looking for her. He'd apparently given up on her. If his daughter didn't want to follow his rules then she was on her own.

* * *

Rachel wrapped her arms around herself. She was so tired, scared, cold and hungry. That twenty dollars didn't last very long. Even if she hadn't gone to a thrift store and bought a very cheap sweatshirt to keep warm at night, the money would've run out too fast. All she had left in her pocket was forty-two cents. She couldn't buy anything with that.

Rachel pulled her hood up before entering the drug store. She didn't want anyone to recognize her. She knew what she was about to do was wrong, that she should just buy what she needed. If she'd had the money to buy more food, she would have done that.

Looking around before dropping a couple granola bars into her pocket, Rachel tried to not look suspicious. No one was watching her. Not one was around, or at least not near the door. Now was her chance.

Rachel pushed the door open when a hand clamped onto her wrist. "You're not going anywhere," said a man's voice.

Terrified, Rachel looked up at the older man. He was the manager or the owner, she didn't know. She tried to pull free. Where had he come from?

"You're not going anywhere," He repeated, "I'm calling the police."

Rachel finally found her voice, "I didn't do anything."

He seemed surprised that he'd caught a female teen stealing from him. The ones who were stealing from him were older and male. "The bars in your pocket tells me otherwise." He realized that things more expensive than granola bars had been stolen before as he pulled his Rachel away from the door. "Come on, we're going to wait in the office."

The thought of being alone with another older man terrified Rachel. "No, no, please, don't call the police. I'll give them back."

In the office, the man pushed the teen's hood off her head. She looked so thin and pale. He thought he recognized who she was. "You're Trigon Roth's daughter, aren't you?"

"Please don't call him. Please, don't call Trigon or the police. If you don't, I'll, I'll …" Rachel didn't know what she'd do. In the past, she'd read books or seen shows or movies where the girl in trouble would sometimes offer to do something sexual to get out of trouble. Rachel shuddered. She couldn't imagine ever wanting to do anything sexual ever again.

The teen didn't say she was Trigon Roth's daughter but she implied it. Why was a rich, business man's daughter stealing? What else was she implying? Was she suggesting that she'd do a sexual favor for him? He shook his head. He didn't understand teens anymore.

"I'm going to make a call. You're going to wait here."

Rachel had no idea who he was calling. She didn't know which terrified her more, the police or her father.

Trigon clamped his hand on his daughter's shoulder. She wouldn't get away from him. To the manager, he didn't sound as upset as Rachel knew he was.

"Get in the car," demanded Trigon. Rachel did but she was afraid of what would happen to her. She'd just been caught shoplifting. "You're lucky Mr. Bergess decided to call me instead of the police."

Rachel didn't feel lucky. She was terrified of what was waiting for her at home.

At home, Laura was waiting for them. She'd been pacing by the door. They hadn't heard anything from Rachel for days. They had no idea where she was.

Trigon pushed Rachel through the door. He waited to speak until the door was closed. "Why were you shoplifting? What's going on? You're lashing out at us, skipping school, running away and getting into fights at school."

"How did you …?" How did he know?

"Kitten's father called and told me about it. What's going on?"

"You wouldn't understand," Rachel rolled her eyes as she turned from her father, "You wouldn't care."

"Watch it. I know you're a teenager but I'm getting sick of this shitty attitude of yours."

"You wouldn't understand what I'm going through. You've never tried to see things through my eyes."

"So tell me. Tell me what's making you act like such a bitch."

"Trigon …" Laura didn't think her husband would get his daughter to open up if she thought she was being attacked.

Laura was right. Rachel didn't want to share anything with her father. "I'm not telling you anything. You'll only use it against me, like you always do."

"Tell me," Trigon grabbed his daughter's wrist.

She whimpered in pain as she struggled to get free. "No. Let me go."

Trigon roughly shook his daughter. "Tell me!" He raised his hand, ready to force her to talk.

Cowering from her father, Rachel blurted out, "I was raped."

Trigon dropped her wrist as if it was burning iron.

The room was silent for a moment as Rachel's words sunk in. "What? No. That's impossible. I can't believe this."

Tears stung Rachel's eyes. "Dad?"

"I can't believe it," He looked at her with disgust, "my daughter is making up a story about something so awful."

"I'm not making up anything. Please, you have to believe me."

"So, you had sex when I explicitly told you not to?"

"It wasn't sex. He held me down and forced himself on me. He raped me."

Trigon shook his head in frustration and disbelief. "Okay, so when did this happen?"

Rachel wiped her eyes, "It, it happened around new year's."

Trigon glared at his daughter. "You did this when we were out of town getting married?"

"I didn't _do_ anything."

"So, you say you were raped? You didn't scream or try to fight? Wouldn't you, shouldn't you have tried to get away? You let him do that to you?"

"No! That's not what I meant. I meant, I didn't do anything to start it. And I tried to scream and fight but he was too strong. I was terrified."

"But not terrified enough to stop him? Shouldn't you have fought him off?" That was ridiculous. Rachel couldn't stop her father from abusing her, how was she supposed to stop another man about as large as her father? Trigon's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying this to gain attention because Laura and I got married?"

"No! That's not …" Why wouldn't he believe her?

Trigon looked at his wife. She looked just as shocked as he felt. "Did you know about this?"

Laura sighed, "No. I, I had no idea." Was this why Rachel was so upset in the park the other day? "Maybe she's created some story in her head that the sex she had was less than consensual."

"What! No! It's not a story. I'm not making this up. I know what happened to me. And I did not give my consent to being touched and raped."

"Why didn't you tell me before now? Maybe I could've helped you?"

"I was so scared and, and a-ashamed." He wasn't believing her?

Trigon crossed his arms. He was obviously angry with his daughter. "Why were you ashamed if you did nothing wrong?"

Rachel didn't know what she expected his reaction to be but this wasn't what she wanted, what she needed. Her face turned red with anger and frustration. "You have no idea how humiliating it was to have that man's hand in my shorts. I did not want him to touch me. But he kept me from stopping him as he molested me."

"Is that all it was? I don't think that's considered rape. It might be, I don't know, sexual harassment, but it's not rape."

Was that all? Was that all! Wasn't being molested bad enough? Shouldn't being molested be enough for her father to believe her? What? Did he want her to tell him every horrible moment of that night before he'd believe her? She didn't think she could do that.

"I was raped! He held me down and he, he forced his" Rachel shuddered, "…he was inside me." She hated voicing what happened to her. She'd never done that before.

Both Trigon and Laura were shocked by Rachel's words. "Well, did you go to the police or a doctor? If you were really raped shouldn't you have done that?"

"No," whispered Rachel. Was that mistake going to haunt her for the rest of her life? Not going to the police or a doctor, didn't mean she wasn't raped, did it? Debbie didn't believe her because she didn't report the crime and now her father didn't believe her.

"And why not? Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you've been attacked?"

"I, I couldn't. Like I said, I was too scared, too ashamed." Rachel withered under the weight of her father's disbelief. His doubt only added to her own doubt. She'd replayed in her mind what she could've done differently. Would he have raped her if she fought harder? Or maybe she fought too hard before the rape happened? If she hadn't made him so angry would he have hurt her so badly?

Rachel crumpled on the sofa as she cried. They didn't believe her. Her own father didn't believe her.

"Tri, don't be mad at her. She's, what fifteen, sixteen? That was her first sexual experience. Now, I know you don't want your daughter to be sexually active but it happened. We can't change that. She's young and if it was an older man not a teenaged boy, he would've been more experienced. Maybe she's just confused?"

Still crying, Rachel listened to what Laura said. No, she was wrong. Rachel was scared and confused about _why_ he hurt her but she knew what happened to her was wrong.

"Rachel?" She flinched when she felt her father's hand on her back. "Laura's probably right. You're just probably confused about everything but you're okay now. Try not to think about it."

Not think about it? He had no idea how hard she tried not to think about that night. She didn't want to think about it. Nothing would make her happier than if she could just forget everything. But Rachel couldn't stop the images, the sounds, the flashbacks, the memories from bombarding her. Thinking about it or not, if they believed her, it would help a lot

Rachel looked up at him, "Do you believe me or not?"

Trigon took a step back. He'd never seen his daughter like this. Her eyes were red and tears streaked her face. Rachel was always careful to not show her emotions. Now it was as though her emotions had exploded. "I believe you think you were …raped. But we have to be sure about something so serious. We can't make accusations that would ruin a man's reputation." What about her reputation, though Rachel. "Not to mention your reputation. You don't want to be known as a girl who can't be trusted. Making false accusations doesn't help you in any way."

"Oh, God, shut up! It's not a false accusation! He raped me. First, he molested me then he raped me! I _was_ raped!" Rachel slammed her fists on the coffee table with each sentence, expressing her frustrations.

The adults were shakened by her response. She'd never yelled at her father like this. "Did he have a weapon?" Trigon felt a ping of protectiveness for his daughter. Did some man really threaten her with a weapon? If he had a gun or a knife, then she wouldn't have been able to escape. Trigon had beaten his daughter but he didn't want anyone else hurting her.

"No, but he said he'd hurt me. He was so large and too strong. He said he'd hurt me and he did"

Trigon couldn't believe what his daughter had just told him. "I have to get some air."

Feeling empty, Rachel watched her father leave. He didn't believe her. She'd done things wrong and he didn't believe her.

Laura went over to sobbing teen. Even though Rachel never said who attacked her, Laura wondered if it was Slade who'd possibly hurt Rachel.

The older woman cautiously patted Rachel's back, trying to comfort her. "Was it Slade?" Rachel didn't say anything but her violent shudder confirmed it for Laura. "Oh, Rachel, he's about twice your age. How could you?" Rachel started crying again. "Well, you were only with him once, right? And it was your first time? You were a virgin, no? Maybe, it's like your father said and you're confused? You're naïve. You don't know what sex is really like. Sometimes sex can be rough and seem violent but that doesn't make it rape."

Rachel stared at the woman in disbelief. "No! Don't make that my fault. I'm not being naïve. I've almost had sex, twice. So I know how things can get. But that awful night, it wasn't just sex. It wasn't even rough sex. It was rape. He held me down as he violated me. He stole my virginity from me. Doesn't that matter?"

"You said you almost had sex, but you didn't go through with it. So, no, you don't really know what it's like. Sex can be sweet and gentle. Maybe that's how your first time should've been?" Laura tucked some of Rachel's hair behind her ear. Rachel got up and went across the room. "You knew how he can be. You knew Slade was interested in you, why did you let him in the house? Especially when you knew your father and I were out of town. Why would you put yourself in such a compromising position? It seems to me that things went farther than you'd expected. When you invited Slade over, you didn't expect to have sex with him. Now, you're panicking and accusing him of something horrid."

Rachel ran her fingers through her hair. She grabbed two fistfuls of hair and let out a frustrated scream. "Why doesn't anyone listen to me! I didn't let him in. He was there. He was in the house. He said he was there to scare me. But …but …he …he …r-raped me. Why won't you believe me!"

"Aw, _mon cher_ , Rachel, you're not making any sense."

"I'm not making any sense? You're not making any sense! I tell you he raped me and you don't believe me? What's wrong with you? Don't you have a heart? Where's your compassion? Maybe you don't like me as a stepdaughter? Maybe that's why you want to send me away? But can't you have some compassion for me as a female?" Rachel dropped to her knees. She was exhausted. Letting the truth out but having it fall on deaf ears was maddening. "Why don't you believe me? He violated me in a very violent way."

"Rachel, calm down. If you don't, we'll have to give you a sedative to make you calm down. Do you want that?"

Trying to control her crying, Rachel whimpered no.

* * *

When Trigon came back, Laura was sitting at the kitchen table. She had a cup of coffee but there was no sign of Rachel. "Where …"

"She went to bed." Laura got up and got her husband a cup of coffee. They sat in silence for a while.

"Do you really think she was …" Trigon sighed, "raped? I mean, you're a woman, do you think she could be making up something like this?" He hated to think that his daughter could've been violated but she was young. She'd lived a sheltered life when it came to boys and sex. He thought she could be confused.

Laura took a sip of coffee, "I don't know. I guess some women do make up stories. I don't know why. But I don't know if that's the case with Rachel."

He voiced some of his thoughts, "She's so naïve about things like sex. I hate thinking about her having sex, but couldn't she be confused? Maybe it wasn't really rape? I mean, I hate to think about it, but maybe she's confusing rough sex with rape."

"That's what I wondered. But, Tri, maybe we should believe her? She said she didn't want to have sex. She said he forced himself on her. And she's so upset last night. She's been upset for a while."

"But like I said, she's naïve, what if she accidentally gave him subtle hints that made him think she wanted sex? And shouldn't she have been able to fight him off if she didn't want it. Shouldn't she have fought him or run away? If she just froze, didn't scream, didn't fight, she can't say it was an attack, right?"

Trigon ran his hand through his hair, "If this is true, what are other people going to say? Are they going to think that I can't control my own daughter?"

Laura got up and went to her husband. She rubbed his shoulders, he was so tense. "But isn't this about her? Shouldn't we try to help her feel better? Maybe Rachel needs professional help? I mean, if what she said didn't really happen, shouldn't she get help?"

"I don't know," Trigon let out another deep sigh, "I never thought my daughter would turn out to be a mess like her mother."

* * *

When Rachel woke up, she felt awful. At first she was confused. Why did her head hurt so much? Why did she feel almost as bad as she did after getting drunk. Then she remembered. She'd told her father and Laura about the rape and they didn't believe her. Why didn't they believe her?

As she went downstairs, the conversation in the kitchen stopped. But it wasn't before she overheard her father wonder how she could've been so stupid to get herself raped. Great. They were talking about her. And maybe they believed her, but they blamed her for getting hurt. Rachel took a deep breath before continuing. "Sorry, I overslept."

It was obvious that she'd been crying. Her eyes and nose were puffy and red. Her face had dried tears covering it. She looked as bad as she felt.

Rachel looked down at her hands, "Um, about last night, I …"

"We're not going to talk about what was revealed last night."

She looked up at him, eyes wide with disbelief. "But, dad, I …"

"We are not talking about it."

Rachel looked towards her stepmother for help, but it was obvious that she sided with her husband. "But why?" asked the teen.

"No one outside this house will know what you said. Besides, if you keep talking about it, you won't heal. Isn't that what you want?" With that said, Trigon stood and left the room. Laura started clearing off the table.

Rachel sat there, deflated. She felt like she'd been sucker punched in the stomach. She couldn't breath properly. The world continued around her while her personal world was shattering around her. Nothing would ever be the same for her. Not only did he blame her, but he was ashamed of her.

Slowly getting up from the table, she felt her walls becoming stronger, thicker. She was wrong to share that with them. She promised herself she'd never do that again. Rachel knew she could never trust her father to support her in the most basic of ways.

* * *

At lunch, Rachel sat alone in the noisy cafeteria, as usual. She was used to it by now. She picked at her peanut butter sandwich as she tried to read. She felt like someone was watching her but she refused to look up. She figured it was just one of Kitten's friends glaring at her. Because she didn't look up, she didn't see that it was Kori. The red-head wished Rachel would let them be friends again. Rachel was relieved when the feeling of being watched disappeared. She glanced up, no one was around. Thinking she was probably just paranoid, she went back to reading.

Rachel got that strange feeling again but ignored it. She heard a girl loudly whisper, "Who's that?"

Her friend said, "Oh, that? That's Rachel Roth."

"That's Goth Roth? The Ice Princess? Wow. Thought she looked better than that. A lot can happen when you're gone for a few weeks." If they were trying to keep Rachel from hearing them, they weren't doing a good job. Rachel could hear everything they said. But as far as those girls were concerned, Rachel was still reading.

"Yeah, I know, pretty pathetic, right?"

"What is she wearing." They looked over, scrutinizing Rachel's oversized grey sweatshirt and baggy jeans. The clothes just hang on her small frame. She showed no signs of having a figure. "Rejects for a reject." The girls laughed.

"She had a boyfriend, didn't she?"

"Yeah, that new guy, Jason Xavier. What did he ever see in her? Cuz he's hot and she's, well, she's not. I think she's creepy."

"Maybe she was good in bed?" Rachel cringed. "That's all I can think of. I mean, I don't know anything about all that goth stuff but maybe she's into that kinky stuff? You know, bondage or something. That's the only reason I can think of why a guy would give her a second look. Wonder how many guys she's slept with?

"Shh. She'll hear you."

"So? I don't care. What's she gonna do?"

"Didn't you hear? She attached Kitten."

"What! I didn't know that. What happened? Was Kitten hurt?"

"No, just shaken up. Kitten was just minding her own business when _that_ started attacking her. Nobody knows why. I heard she threatened Kitten with a knife."

"Why do they let people like that in school? They say they're worried about school safety, then they let freaked like that go here. They shouldn't let then in. They wreck things too much."

"Look at her, she's a mess." Rachel refused to acknowledge them. She was pretending the read. "Why wouldn't she at least _try_ to look good? It's like she doesn't care."

"If I ever stop caring about how I look, lock me up or kill me. Oh, Brian's calling us over." The two girls got up and walked passed Rachel's table. "I mean, seriously, if you don't care and are _that_ miserable and pathetic, why don't you just kill yourself? Save everyone else the hassle."

Rachel stared unseeingly at the pages in front of her. Under the table, her clenched hands were in tight fists. Her short nails dug into her palms. Her breathing was shallow. She couldn't believe they just said that. Who said that about someone else? How could they be so cruel? Rachel glanced around the cafeteria. Everything seemed normal. She couldn't have been the only one to hear them, could she? However, no one seemed phased by what they said. The whole world was cruel and nobody cared.

Without meaning to, those girls planted a seed in Rachel's mind. Her eyes clouded with tears. She didn't belong there. She didn't belong anywhere. She didn't know what to do. Rachel didn't think she could do anything right. Everything she'd tried has turned out wrong. Now her father knew but she wasn't sure if he believed her or not. If he did believe her, he seemed to be ashamed and embarrassed by her.

What should she do? Maybe running a wasn't enough? Maybe there was only one way to get over this? Those girls' words haunted Rachel. She didn't know what she could or should do.

* * *

 **Thanks in advance for your time. Please review. I would greatly appreciate it. It would help brighten things for me after receiving bad news. You could say you hate it but know that that will just add to my sorrow.**


	33. Chapter 33: Bother

**A/N: I mentioned at the end of the last chapter that I had some bad news. I'm losing my job. I'm not being fired. My position isn't being eliminated. Well, not exactly. The whole company I work for is being eliminated. Depending on where you live, you might have heard about a chain of stores (in the US) closing after going through bankruptcy? Well, my store was one of those hundreds of stores closing. By the end of the summer, all those years of being something will be history.**

 **Have any of you seen that insurance commercial where the girl named her car. She accidentally ruined it after having it for five years. She'd been through three jobs and two boyfriends while having that car. I cannot imagine that. How does someone have three jobs in five years? I've worked at this job for about half of my life. It's my first job. I don't know what to do. Do I stick with what I know or do I do something different?**

 **People (customers) have told me, getting a new job will be easy. Maybe that's so if I were the only one looking for a new job. But I'm not. My store will be the forth or fifth large store to close in this area within five years. That doesn't count the little stores that closed up and left when the mall closed down. But I don't know, maybe there are things. One customer told me that it should be easy for me to get another job because I got this one, didn't I. What? I hope she meant to be kind but to me, it kind of sounded insulting. Kind of like, if a place will hire anyone who's breathing, then I should be fine. Ugh! Sometimes, it's so hard to just smile and continue to give good customer service while those customers have no clue that they're being insensitive.**

 **Hey customer - I'm so sorry you don't think you were given enough notice, that you weren't warned in time to use those coupons that you complained about. This news was dropped on us. We feared something like this could happen but it was still a surprise. And I'm sorry that you don't think the prices are cheap enough, that you feel like you're being screwed out of a deal. Well, too bad, I'm being screwed out of a job. Sorry. Like I mentioned, it's frustrating.**

 **I know I'll need to find something else but I don't want a new job. And if I did, I want it on my terms. I want to decide that I've had enough and move on. I hate that this is being forced on me. The hardest part will be leaving my colleagues, my friends. Some of whom I'd worked with from day one.**

 **I hate that my life is just one big question mark. I'll figure out something. I have to, I have no other choice. I know I'll keep writing. It's a way for me to vent. But it might take me awhile to update. I'll have limited access to the internet for a while. Anyway, maybe this can be used as research for this or another story?**

 **You don't have to comment on this. Please, don't comment on this. Unless you review first about this chapter then tack it on your comments to your review. I just wanted to let you know what my bad news was and why it took me so long to update. I'm still not entirely used to the idea. Sometimes it hits me, this is really happening. I'll be okay. Like it or not, change happens.**

 **The week the bad news came out, I saw a mug. I'd never seen it before. It's a "pet" mug. You know the type, it has a picture of a dog or cat or has a cute pet saying. This one seemed to fit the situation perfectly. "Shed happens. Brush it off." Maybe that's one way I can look at this?**

 **Anyway, please read and enjoy. Also, please review (the chapter/story). I'll try to update as soon as possible.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Stone Sour or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 33: Bother**

* * *

 **"Wish I'd died …/ …till it bleeds" – Bother, Stone Sour**

* * *

It had been about a month since Roy had almost been with Rachel. He still couldn't stop thinking about that night. It wasn't that he thought about what they'd done. Yeah, he thought about how they'd almost sleep together. He thought about their bodies touching but he couldn't stop thinking about how Rachel reacted.

The more he thought about it, the more he realized Rachel's reaction wasn't normal. It wasn't the reaction of a usual nervous virgin suddenly changing her mind. Something was wrong but what? He wasn't close enough to her to get her to open up to him. Isn't that ironic? He's not close enough to Rachel to talk to her but he could sleep with her. Roy didn't know who to talk to about Rachel.

Roy was glad he decided to tell Richard about Rachel. He figured Richard was the person who could help Rachel the most. He seemed to be the "leader" of the tight group. He'd probably know what to do about Rachel. Who knows, maybe he knew what was wrong with her.

* * *

Rachel sat at the kitchen table. She felt so lost and hopeless. After her father learned her devastating secret and dismissed as if it was nothing, Rachel went through the actions of living. She tried to look and act normal but she felt numb. How could she ever be normal if her own father refused to care for her wellbeing?

In her mind, Rachel replayed a mixture of what her father said and what those girls at school said. A tear slipped down her cheek. Maybe running away wasn't enough? Maybe, maybe she needed to end everything? It looked like she was more like her mother than she thought.

"… have to pay for that."

Rachel blinked several times, looking up at her father. What did he say? She quickly wiped away the tear. "What?"

"I've made arrangements for you to work at that drug store for the next few weeks, without pay. You have to pay for what you tried to steal."

"It wasn't only a couple of granola bars. It shouldn't take weeks, just an hour, not even that, for them to be paid off."

"I don't care what you took or why you did it. You need to know that shoplifting is wrong. It's a good thing Mr. Bergess decided to call me and not the police. Would you really want a record for taking some granola bars? Really, Rachel, sometimes you just don't think. Just like how you got yourself into trouble. You should've been smart enough not to get in that situation."

Would he _ever_ stop belittling her?

* * *

Friday after school, while out on a run, Richard smiled as he thought about Kori. He remembered how pretty she looked for valentine's day. It was his first real valentine's date. He thought she looked perfect in that light purple dress. He couldn't help smiling as he thought about their kiss. He wondered if Kori would ever want to go running with him. She was kind of athletic, so he'd have to ask her some time. Maybe when the weather warmed up? He wouldn't mind seeing Kori in shorts and a t-shirt instead of those layers of winter clothes.

For a moment, Richard thought back to the conversation he'd had with Roy. It had been earlier in the month. Roy said that he was concerned about Rachel, he thought she was going through something. Richard didn't realize that they knew one another enough for Roy to be concerned about her.

Roy shocked Richard when he hinted that he'd been on a "date" with Rachel. Richard knew that Roy's dates usually ended with the couple hooking up. Whether it was in a hotel room or the back seat of his car, something sexual happened. Richard didn't think Rachel was the type of girl who would have casual hook ups. But then again, she'd showed him and his friends that they didn't really know her.

Richard remembered telling Roy that he didn't know what Rachel was going through, that she'd pushed them all away. Even if he wanted to ask her what was wrong, she wouldn't let him know.

The dark-haired teen shook his head. Why was he thinking about Rachel? More importantly, why was he thinking about his conversation with Roy? It wasn't as if he and Roy were close friends. They were more like friendly rivals. What did Roy think was wrong with Rachel, anyway?

Maybe he thought about his old friend because he missed her. It'd been a few months since he'd seen her. They'd just accused her father of abusing her. She was angry with them and pushed them away. Swearing never to speak with them was a promise Rachel had kept. That didn't mean that Richard and his friends didn't try to get close again. But she always shut them out. After a while, when they were afraid they were making things worse, they all decided to give Rachel some time to calm down. The hoped she'd eventually come around and want to be friends again.

Richard shook his head again. He didn't want to think about Rachel or Roy. He especially didn't want to think about _what_ they did or didn't do. Instead, he decided to think about Kori. He wondered how far he and Kori could go without going too far. He didn't know what she'd be comfortable doing and didn't want to pressure her. He felt his face getting warm as he thought about touching Kori's soft skin while they kissed.

As he went by the beach, Richard was still thinking about Kori. The summer should be fun now that he was dating Kori. When he saw a person sitting on the beach, he was curious. Why would anyone sit on the beach in mid-February? True, the winter hadn't been so bad and there had been some warmer days but it was still cold. Especially, on the beach, where the wind picked up.

As Richard got closer, he thought the girl looked like Rachel. Kori faded from his mind as Rachel drifted back in. Richard slowed down and walked to the beach. He wanted to get a closer look of the girl. That girl couldn't be Rachel, he thought. She'd never come to a place like this. Besides, this girl looked so frail, so broken. Even when she was bullied by Kitten, before she was their friend, Rachel never looked that downtrodden. The wind toyed with the girl's hair. When the sun emerged from behind the clouds, it lit up some dark purple strands. Only one girl Richard knew had hair like that. That dark-haired, frail-looking girl was Rachel.

He didn't want to startle her, so Richard walked in front of her. Sitting next to Rachel, her appearance surprised him. She had dark circles under her eyes. He noticed that her eyes and nose were red and somewhat puffy. Had she been crying? That concerned Richard. The Rachel he knew rarely cried. "Hey, Rachel, um, a-are you okay? Is something wrong?"

Rachel just stared ahead. If she did notice Richard, she didn't let on. He didn't know if she heard him. Should he ask her again? He decided to wait. He didn't want to push her like he did before. Rachel took a deep breath and let it out slowly. When she finally did speak, it was half to him and half to herself. "I used to be happy. Can you believe it? When I was little, I used to be a lot like Kori. I mean, at school, I was still the quiet one but I was happy." Rachel smiled sadly before she continued. "At home, I talked, laughed, and sang all the time. I was probably one of the happiest kids you'd ever see. Bet you didn't know that I wanted to be a singer. No one knows that." She quickly wiped her eyes as she looked around the beach. "When I was little, we used go to a place like this. We'd go often, every summer. I loved to go to the beach back then. I loved my family …then it, it all started to fall apart. I stopped singing when my mom left."

Richard thought he understood what she was saying, what she was feeling. "You were sad and you missed her."

Shaking her head, Rachel wiped her eyes again. "It's more than that. It's hard to sing when you're scared and in pain."

Richard eyed her suspiciously, "Rachel, what are you saying?"

Tears threatened to surface but Rachel forced them back. She was so tired of crying. Wrapping her arms around herself, she shuddered. She'd never admitted what she was about to say. She said softly, "You know, you guys were right, about …everything. My father does hurt me."

Richard had hoped they were wrong. Rachel's lack of emotions surprised him. It was as if she was telling someone else's story. "I'm sorry. How long has it been going on?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "Um, I don't know, maybe a year or two, maybe more? It all kind of runs together."

There was silence between the once close friends. Each were lost in their own thoughts. Richard hated that Rachel has been hurt. However, maybe now she could get some help.

Rachel sadly chuckled. "I miss what we used to be. We used to be a happy family: a father, a mother and a daughter. I miss them. Now, they're just ghosts out there, playing in the ocean. I'm just a ghost."

Rachel took a moment and stared at the churning water. The wind blew and she shivered. Richard didn't know how long she'd been sitting here, but she must be cold. He didn't remember seeing her at school. Could she have been out here all day? He offered her his sweatshirt but she refused. Richard insisted that she take it. He assured her that he would be alright without it. She needed it more than he did. Reluctantly, Rachel accepted the sweatshirt. Snuggling into the warm fabric, tears stung her eyes. It was a simple act but his kindness overwhelmed her. She wasn't used to such kindness.

When Rachel spoke again, she had no emotion in her voice. She flatly said, "It used to be some harsh words, name calling, a shove or roughly grabbing my arm. Just a few bruises, that's easy enough to hide, right? But lately, it's been …getting worse. It's hard to hide things like a broken wrist or a bruised and bloody face. I-I don't know how much more I can take." Rachel let out a shaky breath. "I thought things would get better when he started seeing Laura, but it hasn't. She just believes his lies. And he believes her lies. Nothing's changed now that they're married. Somehow, my getting hurt is my fault."

He couldn't imagine going through those things she'd just mentioned and going through it alone. It sounded like her father didn't just hurt her, he sometimes beat her. It must have been so hard for Rachel to suffer at the hands of someone who was supposed to care for her. "I'm sorry. It's wrong that you got hurt. Does Laura also hurt you?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, not like he does. I, I just don't understand her. She's supportive one moment then critical and accusing the next. I don't know, maybe I'm too sensitive about things like they've said? Maybe I'm too much like my mother? Or maybe I'm just crazy?"

"You're not crazy. And being sensitive makes no difference. No one should hurt you. Have you told anyone about this? You should tell someone, like a teacher. They could help you. I'll go with you if you want me to."

"I can't do that. Who knows what would happen to me. I'm sorry, I'm being weak. I, I shouldn't have told you about this." Rachel closed her eyes and tears seeped out onto her lashes.

Trying to push away the memories of the attack, Rachel violently shook her head. "My life is hell. I should be used to it by now, right? I shouldn't be whining about it. I just …I didn't think it could get any worse."

Richard was concerned as he watched a painful shadow cloud over Rachel's features and her blue eyes filled with tears. She seemed to be talking about more than the abuse she'd been through.

Full of anger and bitterness, Rachel said, "I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so _tired_ of being in pain. I've suffered through so much, but I never thought I'd feel pain like this. Everything good in me has been stolen and destroyed: my self-esteem, my dignity, my …my …innocence." Her voice faltered.

Richard didn't know what she was talking about but he was scared. He was scared for her. "Rachel, did something else happen?" Squeezing her eyes shut, Rachel tried to fight back the tears. Something did happen. But what? He had to somehow get her to open up to him. "Please, Rachel, tell me. Remember, we're friends. You can tell me anything."

She shook her head. "No. I-I can't." She was afraid that he'd be like the others and not believe her.

He remembered seeing the white scars on her arm when Vic pushed up her sleeve. "Does this have anything to do with those scars?" Rachel looked at him, she was confused. "The ones on your arm?"

How did he know about those? She didn't tell anyone about that. Then she remembered when Richard and the others confronted her about the abuse. Rachel remembered being so angry and hurt. How could they violate her privacy, even if it was out of concern? "No, it's not about that. That's nothing."

Richard wanted to ask her more about those scars. Did she really do that to herself? Something told him to drop that subject. Rachel was going through something more important and more painful than cutting. If he could get her to open up to him, he could help her with that later.

"Rachel, please tell me what happened? I want to help you." He placed his hand on her arm to try to comfort her. That action made her flinch. "You're shaking. What happened? I'm still your friend, let me help you."

Tears started to fall. "I'm, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned any of this. Just, just forget I said anything. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. See?" Rachel flashed him a weak smile that quickly faded. "Forget you even saw me today. Better yet, forget about me."

That comment shocked Richard. "I'm not going to forget about you. Something is wrong. I want to help you but I can't do that unless I know what happened."

Rachel looked down at her shaking hands. "I can't, you won't believe me."

"I'll believe whatever you tell me." He was scared for her. He softly added, "Please, talk to me."

Rachel knew she shouldn't keep this bottled up in her. It was like a poison, eating away at her. But she couldn't handle it again if she told someone else and they didn't believe her. She whispered, "I'm sorry, I can't."

"I've believed you so far, haven't I? I'm going to believe you. Please. Talk to me, tell me."

Rachel closed her eyes as she tried to decide what to do. Richard said that he'd believe her but would he? When she told Debbie and Trigon what happened, they all but called her a liar.

"I …I … I w-was …" Rachel shook her head. "I'm sorry, I can't."

"Please, Rachel, trust me to help you."

She took several deep breaths before she hurriedly whispered, "Iwasraped." There, she said it.

Rachel said it so fast that at first Richard didn't understand what she said. He repeated it in his mind, slowing it down. She couldn't have said what she just said. One of his best friends was raped? Richard stared at Rachel. That couldn't be possible. Her words radiated in his mind, until one word flashed like a neon sign. "Rachel? No?"

"I knew it. I shouldn't have told you. You don't believe me. I know, I was stupid to let it happen." She started to get up to leave.

"Wait, don't go. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think I didn't believe you. I was just trying to process what you said. You are not stupid and I am so sorry you've been hurt."

Rachel looked at Richard. A mixture of hope and fear filled her eyes. "You, you b-believe me?"

"Of course I believe you. You're my friend, why wouldn't I believe you?"

Rachel tried to hold back the tears, but wasn't having much luck. She looked so fragile. Richard wanted to gather her into his arms and protect her but he was afraid she'd break. "Could I give you a hug?"

Rachel shrugged as she nodded slightly. Someone believed her! Finally, someone believed her. Maybe there was a chance she could survive this?

Even though she'd agreed to the hug, as Richard gingerly wrapped his arms around her, she began to panic and push him away. "I'm not going to hurt you," Richard softly said. He understood that she probably hated human contact but she had to know he wouldn't hurt her. Eventually, Rachel relented to being comforted. She seemed so small. It was as if she shrank in his arms.

Curled in a tight ball against his chest, Rachel whimpered, "You believe me. Oh God, you believe me. No one's ever believed me. But I should've stopped it. I should've been stronger. I shouldn't have let him …" Richard couldn't believe she actually blamed herself. He didn't remember the last time he saw her cry. Maybe, when he confronted her about her father's abuse, she had tears in her eyes? But if she did, those were angry tears. This was different, now sobs violently racked her petite form. Rachel's raw emotions overwhelmed him and brought tears to his eyes.

Richard wanted to kill the bastard who did this to her but Rachel was so upset that he had to control his anger. He stroked her hair. "Shh, it's not your fault. I'm so sorry. It shouldn't have happened to you." That set off a new set of tears. He didn't know what to do. He was so scared and confused. He couldn't imagine what she was feeling. What he felt was probably only a fraction of what Rachel was experiencing.

Several minutes later, Rachel began to calm down. Still holding her, Richard said, "I am so sorry. I'll help you any way I can."

"You believe me and that helps a lot." Rachel slowly pulled away from Richard. Wiping her eyes she said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you. I shouldn't be so weak."

He couldn't believe she was apologizing. That sorry excuse for a human hurt her in an unimaginable way and SHE was apologizing. "Rachel, listen to me, what happened to you wasn't your fault. You understand that, right?"

She shrugged, "I guess. Maybe I'm just so used to being blamed for everything?"

Richard didn't know what to do. She'd been hurt, she needed help. "I need to get you some help. I'll take you to the hospital or the police."

Rachel vehemently shook her head. "No, I can't go."

"Rachel, you should be checked out. They need to make sure you're alright."

She grabbed his hand keeping him from standing up. "No. It didn't just happen. It, it happened several weeks ago."

"But, Rachel, you need help. Have you gone to a doctor?"

Not that question again. Would her answer change Richard's mind about believing her? The fact that she didn't seek help seemed to be one of the reasons why nobody believed her. Taking a deep breath, Rachel reluctantly shook her head, "But don't worry about it, it's my problem. I'm dealing with it."

He remembered how she'd seemed withdrawn, it was more than usual. Occasionally she'd lash out at someone. It made sense now. Richard couldn't even begin to imagine what she was going though. "Are you? You've seemed very angry and upset." Seeing her glare at him, Richard quickly added, "It's completely understandable. Let me help you."

"You, you still believe me?"

"Of course I do, why wouldn't I?" Rachel shook her head. He couldn't imagine going through that alone. "I'll help you in any way that I can. Just name it."

"I-I don't know. I'm not used to asking for help."

"I'm offering, you don't have to ask. Have you told anyone else?"

She didn't say anything but tears formed again.

"Rachel?"

Rachel let out a shaky breath. "I, uh, I" she shook her head, "…they, they didn't believe me."

How could someone not believe her? Who wouldn't believe a girl who said she'd been raped? Angry, his hand tightened into a fist. Richard didn't know who she told but he hated them for adding to Rachel's pain. "Maybe I could go with you when you tell someone …"

She panicked. Richard didn't think he'd ever seen her so scared. "No! No one else can know. Promise me you won't tell anyone. Please, promise me you won't say a word to anyone. No one else can know about this! Please!"

Richard held up his hands. "Okay, I won't tell anyone but if you decide you want to tell someone I'll help you. And if you decide to go to a doctor or the police, I'll go with you."

He wanted to find the bastard and torture him but he had to focus on Rachel. She'd seen more than enough violence. Richard's mind raced with so many questions he wanted to ask her but for now, he knew they would have to wait. Instead, he held her again with her head resting on his shoulder.

After a while, Richard looked down at her. She looked so tired. It must've been exhausting keeping that horrible secret. "Hey, did you want me to take you home? You must be tired."

Rachel shook her head against his shoulder. "No. Sometimes I don't, I don't know, feel welcome there. Either my father and Laura aren't there or they are and they're still in that honeymoon faze." Richard felt her shudder slightly. He could understand why she didn't want to be around that. That'd be uncomfortable under normal circumstances.

Richard got an idea. "How about you come over to my place for awhile?"

"I don't know."

"You don't have to stay long if you don't want to. At least stay long enough to warm up before going home."

"What will your dad say about me coming over? I'm kind of a mess."

"He wouldn't mind. He'd want me to help you. But you don't have to worry about telling him anything, he's not home. He's on a business trip. Please, just come over for a little while."

Rachel thought about it then nodded. Going somewhere warm and where she didn't have to be guarded sounded good. Richard helped her stand. He left her by a shelter while he ran to get his truck. Shivering, Rachel wrapped Richard's sweatshirt tighter around herself. Now that she was aware of how cold she was, Rachel tried to keep her teeth from chattering.

They drove to Richard's place in silence. Although, that didn't stop him from looking over at her. Rachel mostly looked out the window but, he'd never seen her look so fragile. She looked like she'd shatter if the slightest pressure was put on her. As they went up the elevator to Richard's place, the penthouse, Rachel suddenly wondered, "You said your dad wouldn't be there, right?" She wondered how would Richard explain her if he was there.

"Right. Alfred might be here but he won't bother us."

"Alfred? Who's that? I thought you mentioned that you're dad's name was Bruce."

"Yeah, Bruce is my dad." Richard then mumbled, "Alfred, he's kinda like a butler."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "A butler? You've never mentioned anything about that before. I think I'd remember if you had."

"Yeah, well," he shrugged, "I don't like to make a big deal about it. I try to think of him more like an uncle."

They walked trough the door and Rachel looked in amazement. The living room was lined with floor to ceiling windows. The room must've had a nine or ten foot ceiling. The view of the city, even though the sun was setting on a gloomy day, was incredible. For a moment, Rachel forgot about her problems. Her eyes were wide as she tried to take it all in. She whispered, "Wow." She was shaken from her reverie when she heard someone coming into the room.

"Is that you, Bruce?"

"No, Alfred, it's me. Isn't Bruce away on business?"

"Yes, but he said he'd be back today, tomorrow morning at the latest. Who is this?" Alfred looked at the dark-haired girl peaking around Richard. The last Alfred knew, Richard was dating that charming redhead, Kori. It wasn't really any of his business. Alfred just hoped Richard wouldn't be a playboy like Bruce had been before he took in the young boy.

"This is my friend Rachel."

"Hello, Rachel." She waved to him and mumbled hello. To Richard he said, "Like I said, Bruce will be home today or tomorrow but I have to go out. A friend of mine is in the hospital. Did you need anything before I leave?"

"No, we'll be fine. I hope your friend is okay."

"Thank you, but he should be all right. He had knee replacement surgery."

Alfred left the two teens. He trusted Richard to not take advantage of being home alone with a girl. Rachel was a little jealous of Richard having the older, grandfather-looking man in his life. It must be nice to have someone other than his father to look after him and care for him. Yes, Rachel had Trigon and now Laura but she did not trust them.

"Are you hungry?"

"What?" She chided herself for being distracted. She has to stay focused on everything around her. She couldn't let anything happen again. Not that she thought Richard would ever try to hurt her.

"Are you hungry?"

Rachel shrugged, "Yeah, I guess." She hadn't had anything that day but she didn't feel hungry. Maybe she was but she couldn't stop focusing on how cold she was. She still had Richard's sweatshirt wrapped around her but that didn't seem to help. She still shivered.

Richard noticed her shivering. "Are you still cold?" Again, Rachel just shrugged. Richard realized that he hadn't seen her at school. "How long were you at the beach?"

"I, um, I'd been there pretty much all day."

Richard couldn't believe it. She'd been out on the beach wearing just a sweatshirt. Yes, it'd been a little warmer but it was still February. Being outside for that long without a warm enough coat must have chilled Rachel to the bone. No wonder she couldn't stop shivering. But he didn't know what to do. How could Rachel warm up as quickly as possible? "Um, hey, I know this might sound a little weird, but, uh, did you want to take a shower? The hot water would probably warm you up. While you're taking a shower, I could fix us something to eat."

"You don't have to go through all that trouble. I'm sure I'll warm up soon."

As they talked, Richard studied Rachel. He realized that her hair was limp and dull. He wasn't sure but he thought she was wearing the same clothes she wore yesterday, maybe even the day before. What was going on with Rachel? He now knew about the rape, but was she homeless? She said that she tried telling someone about what happened to her but she wasn't believed. Did she try telling her father and stepmother and they didn't believe her? Did they kick her out? "Rachel …"

She interrupted him before he could say anything. She saw how he looked at her and figured out what he was thinking. "I'm okay. I'm a mess but I'm okay."

"Rachel?" How could she be okay after what happened to her?

"Alright, I'm not okay but I'm working on it. It helps that you believe me and that you're helping me." She stopped to think a moment. Her eyes shifted with uncertainty, "Um, would it be alright if I did take a shower?"

"Yes, of course, I wouldn't have suggested it if it wasn't. Um, did you want me to throw your clothes in the wash. You could borrow some of my things."

Rachel shrugged, "Yeah, I guess."

Richard lead Rachel to his room. He thought she might be a little more comfortable using his bathroom. He got out a t-shirt, sweatshirt and sweatpants. They were slightly too small for him but he was sure that they'd still be too big for Rachel. But they'd have to do. "Do you think these will work? If not, I can go out and …"

"No, no, these will be fine." They stood there, looking at one another. It was awkward for both of them. She'd never showered at a guy friend's house just as Richard had never had a girl use his shower.

"Um, I'm going to leave so you can, uh, you know ... Take all the time you need. But call me if you need anything." She still looked worried and nervous. Richard was sure he understood why. After what she'd been through, it must take a lot for her to take a shower while being alone with a guy, even if that guy is a friend. "You can leave your clothes here. Once you're in the shower, I'll come get your things. But I'll let you know when I'm in the room. I don't want to startle you. And I won't come into the bathroom. You can lock the door if you want." Rachel just stood there with her arm wrapped around herself.

Rachel nodded. "Thanks." She turned to the bathroom and Richard left her alone. In the bathroom, Rachel looked at the shower and the soaker tub. She couldn't believe this was in Richard's bathroom. This place looked more like a master bathroom. She couldn't imagine what that would look like.

She looked back and forth between the shower and the tub. Richard had said she could take a shower, he didn't say anything about a bath. But it probably didn't matter, did it? As long as she could warm up quickly. Rachel couldn't imagine Richard using the tub. She shrugged. For some reason, she'd always thought that guys favored showers and girls favored baths. It didn't really matter.

At the tub, Rachel turned on the water. She hadn't had a bath in years. While the tub started to fill, Rachel reluctantly got undressed. She still hated getting undressed but this time it was also because she was cold. Rachel quickly put on Richard's robe.

Rachel took her things out to his room. She placed them in a neatly folded pile next to the door. Knocking on the door, she let Richard know that he could take her things when he was ready. She hurried back to the bathroom so there wasn't a chance of him seeing her.

Removing the robe, Rachel carefully got in the tub. The warm water felt good on her chilled aching legs. She was about to settle in the tub when she stopped. She suddenly remembered that she had something in her pocket, something that couldn't be washed.

Rachel got out of the tub and quickly dried off her feet and legs. The robe went back on and Rachel ran out to find her friend. "Richard? Richard, wait."

"What? What's wrong?"

"My clothes? Are they already in the wash?"

* * *

Rachel settled into the warm water. She let out a sigh. The water felt so good. It was so relaxing. She hadn't realized how tense she'd been lately. The hot water loosened up her tight muscles. This was nice but a little awkward. Rachel never imagined that she'd be taking a bath at one of her friend's houses.

Sighing again, she never imagined that she would have been raped. Tears stung her eyes. Richard believed her. She was so afraid he wouldn't, that he'd be like the others and blame her. She was so grateful that he listened and believed her. But that meant, he knew.

Rachel's breath became uneven. Richard knew what happened to her. No, he didn't know the specifics, the details. He didn't know how scared she was or the pain she felt. She'd never tell him or anyone that. But he knew. He knew the general idea of what happened that night. He knew that someone violently forced sex on her. Did that mean that Richard saw her as she saw herself? She was damaged.

She looked at her knees sticking out of the water. She thought about what she'd planned to do earlier this day. Rachel had planned to walk out into the bay and not look back. Only she was too scared to end her life. She hated her life but she couldn't stop it.

Sitting on the beach, Rachel hoped to get some courage but couldn't. That's when and how Richard found her. Maybe he was kind of like a guardian angel? No, he was a friend who cared for her and believed her. If she had someone on her side, someone who believed her, maybe she could have a chance to survive? Maybe she could find her way through the all consuming darkness?

Taking a deep breath, Rachel sunk down, putting her head underwater. She needed a moment to try to rid herself of her own thoughts. She was tired of her thoughts, her pain, everything. For so long that heartache was all she had to grasp onto. But now she had Richard by her side.

For a second, Rachel thought about taking this opportunity to end everything. If she just stayed under the water long enough, the overpowering darkness could take over. But she couldn't do that to Richard, could she? She couldn't let him find her lifeless body in his tub. Besides, even if she was dead, she didn't want him or anyone else seeing her naked body.

Rachel stayed under the water as long as she could. She stayed that way until her lungs burned for oxygen. Sitting up rapidly, Rachel gasped for air. Pushing the water off her face, Rachel breathed in life. She was alive and Richard was going to help her. She wasn't alone anymore.

* * *

She looked over at the small figurine sitting on the bathroom sink. The miniature metal owl had been her mother's. For some reason, Rachel decided to carry it with her. She needed her mother even if her mother didn't want her. Rachel knew she couldn't go to her but it helped a little to carry something that her mother once owned. She couldn't believe she'd almost forgotten to take it out of her pocket. She's glad she remembered in time. Maybe she was more like her mother than she realized but that didn't mean she had to follow her mother's path.

Once out of her bath, Rachel thought it felt strange having nothing on under Richard's clothes but she didn't really care. She was finally warm. And for the first time, she truly felt safe. She knew, no matter what the situation was, Richard wouldn't take advantage of her.

In the kitchen, Richard was at the stove. He was stirring some soup and warming a griddle. Seeing her, he offered her a smile. "How are you doing?"

"Better," retuning the smile, she nervously put her hands in the pockets. She fidgeted with the metal owl. "I'm warmer. Thanks."

"No problem. You look a little better. I mean, you don't look so stressed." He didn't want her thinking that he was insulting her.

"No, I get what you're saying." As Richard put the prepared sandwiches on the hot griddle, Rachel noticed the can for the soup. "The soup came from a can?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know, guess I always thought …"

"Everything's not made from scratch," pointing to a cupboard, Richard asked Rachel to get the dishes. The simple task relieved her. She liked having a purpose.

The two teens sat in silence as they ate their canned chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. It was a simple meal but Rachel thought it was as satisfying as thanksgiving dinner. She also thought it was better than any of the "fancy" food that either her father or Laura preferred.

After eating their simple meal, Richard wondered if she was ready to go home. When she hesitated, he suggested that they watched some TV. Rachel didn't want to go home where there was judgment and accusations. She doubted her father would hurt her anymore, especially after what she said happened to her, but that didn't make her feel safe there. She might not be physically injured anymore but they didn't stop belittling her.

Wanting to give her some space he thought she needed, Richard sat in the oversized chair while he let Rachel have the sofa. He didn't want her to feel threatened in any way. During the sitcom, he glanced over to her and she'd lain down. Maybe she could relax some? But when he glanced over at her again, she was curled into a tight ball. Was she still cold or was she upset?

"Are you cold again?"

"What?" Rachel sniffed slightly and quickly wiped her eye, "No, I'm okay." Had she been crying?

"I could get you a throw or even a blanket if you want," suggested Richard as he stood up.

"No, I'm okay. You don't have to get me anything. I don't want you to go to any more trouble for me."

"It's not trouble. How about I get a throw and if you need it, it'll be right here?"

"Okay, sure, I guess."

A few minutes later, Richard returned with the throw. "Sorry, that took longer than …" Rachel was asleep. Richard smiled sadly. He was glad she felt comfortable and safe to fall asleep in his presence. However, he hated what his friend was going through. Careful not to wake her, Richard gently placed the throw over Rachel.

With the throw over her, Rachel eventually loosened up. She wasn't in a tight ball. Although, Richard noticed that she clutched the soft woven fabric to herself. He wondered if Rachel was subconsciously afraid of him or was that just out of habit.

Later that night, Richard woke up when he heard keys in the door. How late was it? He glanced over to the sofa, Rachel was still asleep. How late was it? Checking his phone, he saw it was a little after nine. He hadn't fallen asleep in front of the TV for years. Richard realized there were voices outside the door. Bruce and Alfred must be home.

Bruce was just as surprised to see Richard, with his sleepy expression, as Richard was to have discovered that he'd fallen asleep. "What are …?"

"Shh," whispered Richard as he nodded his head towards Rachel sleeping on the sofa.

With raised eyebrows, Bruce looked between the sleeping girl and his adopted son. What was going on, said his expression. Why was a girl, one he'd never met, asleep at his house?

Richard looked and nodded towards the kitchen. He insinuated that he'd tell them in there. The teen didn't know what he'd say, but he knew he couldn't tell them Rachel's secret. He had no right to reveal that. That was something she had to tell, when she was ready.

In the kitchen, Bruce inquired, "Who is that? And why is she asleep here?"

"That's Rachel Roth, she's a friend. She's going through something, um, having some trouble at home and I'm just trying to help. Don't worry, nothing happened between us."

"I know."

"How do you know?"

"You're dating Kori. I don't think you'd do anything to hurt her." Bruce studied his son. He seemed worried about something. "You have something on your mind. Did you want to talk about it?"

Richard looked at him, surprised. Bruce had been away for business for much of the month. He'd been so busy lately that Richard was amazed that his father even noticed. "I'm just worried about a friend."

"It's not Kori, is it?"

Richard shuddered slightly. He didn't want to think about Kori going through what Rachel was going through. He hated that Rachel had to go through it. "No, I'm worried about another friend. I want to help but I don't know how or what to do."

Bruce was concerned. It had been a long time since he'd seen his son this distraught. "Can you tell me what's going on?"

Richard sighed, "I want to, but I'm afraid she'll do something drastic if I do tell. It's not my story to tell." The dark-haired teen sighed again, "The last time I thought I was doing the right thing, it kind of blew up in my face." Bruce raised an eyebrow. Richard tried to explain without giving too many details. "I thought a friend was being, uh, bullied by someone. I got nosy and acted on those suspicions. It turned out, I was wrong." At the time, that's what Rachel led them to believe. "Because she felt betrayed, she pushed all her friends away. Now, she's alone."

Trying to read between the lines, Bruce asked, "Is the friend you were trying to help back then the same friend you're worried about now?"

Richard was bewildered. How did he know? He didn't tell him anything, but he nodded slightly.

"Well, maybe all you can really do is be a friend? Be there for her and listen when she wants to talk. It could take her awhile to open up, but be patient. Remember, this isn't about you. It's about helping your friend."

"I'll try to keep that in mind."

"Good, but that still doesn't explain why there's a teenaged girl sleeping here." Bruce took a moment to think about what Richard just said. "She's the one you were worried about before and now, isn't she?"

Again, Richard didn't know how he knew. He reluctantly nodded. "Yeah, she's going through something that she just told me about. I want to do what's best for her. She's, um, she's kind of skittish and I don't want to scare her."

Bruce considered the situation. He didn't know what sort of thing this girl was going through, but it seemed that she needed his son's friendship. He thought it sounded like this girl was in a fragile state. If she was going through things at home, maybe it was best that she had a night away from home. But Bruce also knew there could be a lot of trouble if her parents didn't know where she was. "If she's going to stay here tonight, if you're not going to wake her up and take her home, then you need to call her house and let her parents know where she is."

Richard wanted to object but he knew his father was right. He only hoped that Rachel's father wouldn't storm over here and take her away. He remembered how Vic had described him when Rachel had dinner at Vic's.

After leaving a message at Rachel's house that she was okay, Richard decided to sleep again in the chair next to her. He didn't want her to wake up and be alone and startled. Hearing Rachel's soft, even breathing, he was glad she could truly relax. It must have been so hard keeping that secret. As he fell back to sleep, Richard wondered why Rachel's father was so possessive of her but he didn't give a second thought to hurting her. Rachel deserved better than that.

Both Alfred and Bruce were up before either of the teens did. Looking at the sleeping dark-haired girl, Bruce wondered what kind of problems she had or what trouble she was in. Turning his attention to his son, Bruce grinned. He knew Richard would do what he could to help her. This girl was lucky to have such a good friend on her side.

* * *

Rachel gradually began to wake up. Something smelled good, delicious. In her half-asleep state, she couldn't figure out if it was pancakes, waffles or muffins that she smelled. Last night's simple meal filled her but she was now hungry again.

The more Rachel woke up, she heard voices nearby. She didn't recognize those voices. With her eyes still closed, she began to panic. Those voices were deep. Those voices belonged to men. She was somewhere with men she didn't know.

Bolting upright, Rachel got tangled in the throw. She frantically fought to get free.

Richard suddenly appeared. "Rachel, it okay. You're okay. You're safe. Remember, you came over to my house. We had something to eat and watched some TV. Guess we fell asleep."

It took awhile, but Rachel gradually calmed down. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have fallen asleep at Richard's place? Rachel was afraid that Laura and/or her father would think she was sleeping around. That would just add to their reasons for not believing her.

"I have to go."

"Did you want to stay and have some breakfast? I could drive you home after we eat."

"I have to go, now. Where are my clothes?" Rachel couldn't help panicking that her father would freak out. He'd said no one outside the house could know about what happened to her. Did she make a mistake in telling Richard? She didn't know how, but somehow her father would find out. He never said what he'd do to her but Rachel was scared. "I have to go," she repeated. Richard couldn't miss hearing the panic in her voice.

Once Rachel had changed back into her clothes, she hurried out of the penthouse. She didn't even give Richard a chance to give her a ride. The three males in the penthouse were concerned about the girl with black hair with purple streaks. Only one of them knew what she was going through. He hoped that he did and said the right things. He hoped he didn't make things worse for her at home.

Feeling a little dejected, Richard sat on the sofa where Rachel had slept. He was surprised to sit on something small and hard. Picking it up, he saw that it looked like it was a pewter owl figurine.

"What's that?" asked Bruce.

"It must be Rachel's. It must have fallen out of her pocket. I'll give it back to her but I think I'll do what you suggested. I'll give her a little time."

* * *

"Richard, you're not focused."

"I'm sorry, Coach Evans."

"You're usually not this distracted. What's wrong?"

Richard took a moment to figure out what he should say. As much as he wanted someone to help him help Rachel, it wasn't for him to tell anyone. "Sorry, I'm worried about a friend."

"You know you can always come to me if you want to talk." Richard nodded. "Okay, why don't you do a few more laps? Maybe it'll help you think." Richard gave the coach a sad smile as he started to run around the gym while the others went to the locker room. He had people in his life to help him. He couldn't imagine how hard it must be for Rachel. Before now, she had no one to help her. He hoped he did and said the right things.

After practice, Richard didn't have any answers. He slowly wandered from the locker room to his locker. At that time of the day, the school was almost like a ghost town. Roy found Richard. "Hey, Grayson, I'm glad I found you. We need to talk."

"What do you want, Harper?" Richard said distractedly as he dug through his locker. He didn't want to talk to Roy.

"It's about Rachel." That caught Richard's attention. He stopped going through his things. "Did you find out what she was going through? I think she needs help."

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember when I told you about one night a couple weeks ago I was with her and …"

Richard's thoughts have been with Rachel. He couldn't shake how upset she was. He's never seen her like that. Hearing what Roy said about being with her, Richard assumed Roy hurt Rachel. He slammed Roy against the locker. "How could you do that? How could you hurt her like that?"

"What the hell is your problem? What are you talking about? I didn't do anything."

Richard growled, "You took advantage of her."

Roy tried to push Richard away. "What are you talking about? _Who_ are you talking about?"

"Rachel." Roy stopped fighting Richard.

"I didn't do anything to her. She came to me. She seemed, I don't know, desperate."

"And you took advantage of that. You took advantage of her vulnerability."

"No, I didn't. I didn't do anything like that to Rachel. We didn't do anything but just so you know, but she started things. She called me. She said she wanted to do it."

"You saying she asked for it? That it's her fault that she got hurt?"

"I said I didn't do _anything_ to her. We basically just kissed but she freaked out."

" _You_? Only kissed?" Everyone knew how much Roy flirted and bragged about his successes.

Roy rolled his eyes. "Yeah well, I don't like to kiss and tell …" Richard's eyes narrowed. "…but I barely touched her when she started to freak out."

"You touched her!"

"What? It's not like she's your girlfriend. You're dating Kori. I didn't do anything with _her_. Remember I said _Rachel_ came to me. _She_ _wanted_ to sleep with me.

"So you didn't kiss her and touch her? You didn't try to get Rachel naked? You didn't want to have sex with her?"

"Of course I wanted to have sex with the Ice, um, with Rachel but I didn't do more than she wanted."

"Riiight, you didn't try to 'convince' her to have sex with you? You didn't hold her down while she squirmed? Is that how you get so many girls?"

That week began Rachel's second and last week of detention. When Rachel came out of detention she found the two guys arguing. She yelled out, "Stop! "

"Hey, I don't care what you think of me but I don't need to force myself on a girl. Is that what she told you? Did she tell you I tried to force her to have sex? The second she said no, I stopped."

"You tried to hurt her. If she hadn't said the words 'no' and 'stop' would you have continued just so you'd have a chance to have sex with Rachel?

Roy said, "I like sex as much as any guy but I would never force myself on a girl. That's not right and anyone who would is a sick bastard."

Rachel couldn't believe the guys were fighting about her. "Richard! Stop! Roy didn't hurt me! I went to him. He didn't come after me. He didn't hurt me!"

The two stopped fighting. Richard went over to Rachel who was now crying. "Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."

She quickly wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm a little emotional right now."

Roy came up to them. "Rachel, did you tell him that I …"

"Back off Roy. She doesn't need you in her face about this."

"Richard, it's okay. No, Roy, I didn't tell him that. I know you'd never …do that kind of thing. I was upset about something else and I guess Richard thought you hurt me. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking that night. I'm sorry, I've messed everything up. That's all I seem to do."

Embarrassed, Rachel ran out of the school. The guys looked at each other in surprise. Roy asked, "What's wrong with her? That's want I wanted to talk to you about. That's why I came to you earlier. She was upset, maybe scared that night. That was before we even started anything."

"It's okay, I'm sorry I fought with you. I know you'd never hurt Rachel like that. I shouldn't have said something like that. I'm sorry. You can go. I'll make sure she's all right. If I need your help, I'll call you."

The teenaged boys went their separate ways. Roy kept looking in the direction Richard went. He wondered what was going on. What was wrong with Rachel?

Richard found Rachel near the empty football field. Rachel pressed the heel of her hands against her eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't usually cry this much. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You were traumatized, you're gonna need some time to get passed it."

Frustrated, Rachel said, "It's been about two months since it happened. Shouldn't I be getting better? That's why I went to Roy. I stupidly thought if I slept with someone I would start to heal. I thought if I didn't have _that_ as my only encounter with …with sex, I would be better.

"Rachel …" Did she try to force herself to have sex before she was ready?

"I kinda thought since I was… I-I wasn't a …virgin anymore I might as well have sex."

"Rachel …" THAT bastard took away Rachel's choice for her first time at having sex. He'd made her feel worthless. Now she probably felt that guy could just use her body. Richard hated that bastard, whoever he was?

"No, you're right. Who would want me? Especially after I've been used like that?"

"Rachel, that's not true. I never said that."

"You didn't need to say it. Would you want me? Of course not. You'd never look at me like that. But if heaven forbid this happened to Kori, would you still want to be with her? Be honest, even though you'd love her, she'd be ruined for you."

"Maybe you should see somebody, like a doctor. Maybe they'd be able to help you."

"No! I can't do that." She shook her head. "I'm so afraid someone will figure it out and blame me. I feel like it's written all over my skin in bright red words: _bitch, hate, liar, slut, whore."_

"That's not true. It wasn't your fault," Richard added softly, "You were violated."

" _I_ feel them, _I_ see the words. I'm afraid if someone looks close or hard enough they will know. If I go to a doctor and even if don't tell them, they'll know what happened to me. And I _know_ it wasn't _my_ fault, but who's going to believe me? No one." She sighed "Even when I told someone they didn't believe me. I'm just a 'troubled' girl. I lied too much before. They'll say it's like when I lied about my parents. Nobody will believe me."

Rachel dropped to her knees and slammed her fists against her legs. "I want my life back! It was different with Roy. At least, it was going to be. He was gentle. He seemed to care about what I wanted. I knew Roy didn't love me, that didn't matter. But he was never violent or hateful. He didn't want to destroy me." Richard knelt quietly beside Rachel. She needed to get this out of her. "That horrifying night, that sick bastard ripped out my soul and tore it to shreds.

"I _try_ to not think about it. I tell myself not to but I can't help it. It's _always_ there.

"It hurt. God, it hurt so bad. I've been beaten several times by my father but I'd never felt pain like that. It was so violent. I thought I was going to die. I _prayed_ to die. I begged, cried and screamed for that bastard to stop but he didn't care. I think he liked hurting me. It was all a game to him. He enjoyed holding me down against that table. I fought! I fought for my life but I wasn't strong enough! I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to get over this."

"I think you need help. I know you have problems with your dad, but have thought about telling him?"

"No! I-I can't do that. He …no one can know."

"He's your father. Yes, he's hurt you in the past and that was wrong. But you're his daughter, I'm sure he'd want to help you." A dark thought entered his mind. "Rachel, did your father …? Was he the one who hurt you?"

"No! No, he hasn't laid a hand on me for months. Not since before Thanksgiving." He just indirectly destroyed her life. "He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't believe me."

Richard didn't understand. "Why wouldn't he believe you? He has to see you're suffering. He has to be concerned."

Rachel remembered Trigon staggering away. She's wondered how much he saw and why he never tried to save her. She wouldn't be going through this if he'd helped her. She remembered the look of disgust on her father's face when she blurted out that she'd been raped. Angry tears formed in her eyes. "He doesn't care. He doesn't care! He doesn't care that _he_ slammed me against that wall. He doesn't care that I was terrified, scared to death. He doesn't care that that damn bastard's hands were on me. He doesn't care that I was then slammed onto the table. He doesn't care that _he_ stripped me of my dignity. He doesn't care that that son of a bitch stole everything from me! He doesn't care! He doesn't care … He doesn't care …"

Richard didn't understand why she thought father would be so heartless but he held his friend as she cried.

* * *

Tuesday after school, Rachel met Richard in the library to do homework. As they sat down to study, Richard pulled something out of his pocket and handed it to Rachel. She looked at it and smiled at him. "Where did you find this? I thought I'd lost it." Rachel picked up the little owl figurine.

"It was in the sofa cushion. You accidentally left it at my place. I meant to give it to you earlier but …"

"But when you saw me, I freaked out. I'm sorry. I keep freaking out. I need to get control of my emotions."

"Don't worry about it. I understand why you're upset."

After they'd been working for about an hour. Rachel needed some other notes. Richard had them in another notebook. She went over to where they left their backpacks. Flipping through Richard's notebook, searching for the notes when a piece of paper fluttered out of his notebook. She picked up the pale green paper and stared at it. She demanded, "What is _this_?"

Richard turned around to see Rachel holding up a pamphlet. The front of the pamphlet read: _SURVIVING SEXUAL ASSAULT AND RAPE_. Again, Rachel demanded "What is this? Why do you have it?"

Richard said, "You're gonna need help. More than I can give you. I know that you're strong but some things are bigger than one person can handle."

She shook her head. "I'm not telling anyone else." Some people looked their direction. Rachel hissed, "Where did you get this?"

"I picked it up at a hospital. Don't worry, nobody knows I got this. I picked up one of each pamphlet so no one would know which one I was getting."

Rachel rolled her eyes and groaned, "You didn't need to do that. I'm fine. I have to get through this on my own. It's not like I'm the only one this has ever happened to."

"I think you need help."

She repeated, "I'm fine," She hastily gathered her books. Getting up with tears in her eyes, Rachel backed away from Richard. "You're my only friend right now. Don't make me regret telling you."

Richard dejectedly entered the penthouse. Bruce looked up from his papers and asked him, "How's your friend?"

Richard flopped down on the sofa and sighed. "I'm scared for her. This thing she's going through, she blames herself." He ran his hand through his dark hair. "I don't get it. Why would she blame herself if someone else hurt her? It wasn't her fault and I've tried to tell her that."

Bruce sat across from him. "Guilt is a powerful emotion. Remember, it took you a long time to get passed the guilt you felt about your parents' death. You had nothing to do with that."

"Maybe you're right? Still, I wish I could help her."

Bruce had a distant look. "I understand. In college, I had a girlfriend who was harassed by a professor. It finally stopped but she blamed herself for a lot of it." He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed "I wanted desperately to turn back the clock and make it so it never happened. All I could really do was be there for her when she needed me."

Richard's adopted father did understand what he was feeling. "What happened to her? Was she eventually alright?"

"We broke up but we were still friends. She ended up dropping out of school and going back home to her parents." Bruce didn't have the heart to tell him that his ex-girlfriend committed suicide.

At school the next day, Richard looked for Rachel. He wanted to apologize for upsetting her. She surprised him by coming up beside him. "Rachel, are you alright? I'm sorry about yesterday."

"Yeah, I'm okay. At least I'm as good as I can be. I should be the one to apologize. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you were just trying to help."

"That's okay, I understand why you're upset."

"Um, I've been thinking. I-I don't think I should've told you what happened to me."

"It's okay. You needed to tell someone."

"Thank you for listening but I shouldn't have put that burden on you."

Richard got a strange sensation from Rachel. Something didn't feel right. She was too fidgety or something. "Don't worry, I'm not going to runaway. It wouldn't do any good. I don't have anywhere to go."

Richard couldn't shake the feeling that she was going to do something dangerous. "Rachel? What are you going to do?"

She shook her head. "Don't worry. I'm not going to do what you're afraid that I'll do. I've tried that but I'm too afraid." Rachel smiled sadly. "I promise I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just don't think I should've told you. I'm going to take care of this on my own."

"I don't think you should be alone. Let me help you. I promise I won't pressure you to do anything."

"I know you mean well, you want to help and I appreciate that. I just need some time. Please, let me think. I promise, I'll come to you if I need your help." She turned to leave but Richard stopped her. "I'm okay. I just had a bad few days. Please, I need some time." That time she did walk away.

Frustrated, Richard slammed his locker shut. He wanted to do what was right for her. He still thought she needed help. Maybe he should give her what she asked for and like Bruce said, be there when she needed him? Richard leaned his forehead against his locker. He hated feeling so helpless. "I might not be next to Rachel as she goes through this but at least she knows she's not alone. I'll help her anyway that I can."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading. I hope it was to your liking. Please, review my story, this chapter. You don't have to comment on my life. I just felt like sharing.**

 **Thanks again. I'll update when I can.**


	34. Chapter 34: Coming Undone

**Thank you to those who reviewed. It meant a lot.**

 **Sorry for my ranting author's note at the beginning of the previous chapter. So I'm losing my job, it's not a big deal.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Korn or any lyrics**

 **Chapter 34: Coming Undone**

* * *

 **"Wait… / Irate …/…so strong…/ Wait / …so delicate" – Coming Undone, Korn**

* * *

Rachel leaned against the door of the bathroom stall. She tried to calm her unsettled stomach. Taking several deep breaths, she let out each one slowly. What was wrong with her? That was the second time this week she'd had the rush to the bathroom. Truthfully, the past few weeks she'd felt off. Rachel couldn't figure out what could be wrong.

As the queasiness began to fade she wondered what was wrong with her. She'd felt like this off and on ever since … Rachel involuntarily shuddered at that horrifying recollection. She closed her eyes and held her head in her hands. She had to calm her nerves again. It had been …almost two months since, since …that horrible night. Her mind raced with all sorts of questions and thoughts. She'd felt awful for a little less than two months. Maybe something was wrong with her? Maybe she was sick?

Rachel's eyes flew open as a thought entered her mind. "No. I-I …I can't be …" She shook her head trying to shake that thought from her head. She did not want to think like that. She was at the hospital, maybe she caught something there? Rachel tried to reason with herself. She'd read that that could happen. People went to the hospital because they were sick, right? There's a lot of germs in a hospital. So, wouldn't it make sense that she could've caught something there.

Rachel tried to think of every possible reason for why she was "sick". Her mind kept going back to the same thought. No. She wasn't, she couldn't be. Rachel hadn't had her period yet. That didn't mean anything, did it? The scared teen wrapped her arms around herself. Just because she'd skipped a couple months didn't have to mean …Oh God, this couldn't be happening. No, she couldn't be … It wasn't unusual for Rachel to skip a month or two. Her cycle wasn't exactly regular. She never really worried about it. She'd always thought that was due to stress.

But now … things were different. Tears stung her eyes. Before, this was never a possibility. Could she be …pregnant? Holding back her hair, Rachel quickly bent over the toilet, losing what little she had in her.

* * *

Rachel didn't know what to do. It wasn't as if she could go to her father. Yes, he knew about the rape but she didn't think he entirely believe her. She suspected that he thought like Debbie did, that she'd had sex with someone and panicked. She was also painfully aware that he was ashamed and embarrassed by her. It didn't matter what her father thought.

Even if the circumstances were different and he believed her, she didn't think she could talk to him about something like this. Trigon wouldn't try to help her. Rachel knew he'd only belittle her and blame her. He'd say she was just like her mother. A part of Rachel was scared that he wouldn't just send her away but lock her up in some facility.

That wasn't what she needed. She needed help. She needed someone to help her, but who? Rachel didn't trust Laura. She'd side with Trigon. Rachel knew she couldn't go to Debbie. She'd burned that bridge her last day at the café. Who could she go to? Richard? Should she go to Richard? Could she, should she do that even though she pushed him away, again? He had to be tired of her always pushing him away. Some day, if she wasn't careful, he'd wouldn't help her anymore. But he said he'd help her, didn't he? He had to understand how scared she was, didn't he?

Feeling a little hopeful but still scared, Rachel decided to go to Richard for help. He was the only who knew about her situation and believed her. He said he'd help her. He'd help her with this, right? Rachel hoped there wasn't a _this_ to need help with. Please, just let it be stress or something. Please let it be anything but her being …pregnant.

Rachel surprised Richard when she came into the gym. What was wrong? He hadn't seen her since right after he learned what happened to her. She said she was handling things and she needed her space. He did what she wanted but kept an eye on her from a distance.

Now, Richard was worried. He thought she looked so pale, too pale. Going up to her during a break in the practice, he asked, "Rachel, what's wrong?"

She quickly looked around, making sure no one was nearby, no one could hear them. Rachel said in a hoarse whisper, "I'm late."

Richard didn't understand what she was saying. She wasn't making sense. She'd pushed him away so they didn't have any plans for her to be late to. "Uh, we didn't have any plans, did we?" Maybe they had made plans a while ago and he'd forgotten.

She shook her head and said quickly, "No, I'm _late_ -late. You know, like, it's thattimwofthemonth."

What? What was she talking about? Why were her hands shaking so much? Things didn't make sense. What does the time of the month have to do with …? Oh. Richard finally understood what she was saying. After what she'd been through, it wasn't good that she'd missed her, um, time of the month. Richard didn't know what else to say but, "Oh shit."

"Yeah, oh shit. What am I going to do?" Rachel wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm sorry for bothering you but I didn't know who else to turn to. I don't know what to do."

"Uh, that's okay. I'm glad you came to me. Um, I don't know what to do either. Uh, let me think about it." Richard ran his hand through his hair. He'd never had a girl come up to him saying she's scared she might be pregnant. There'd never been a reason for that since he'd never been with a girl. Looking over at his friend, he saw how worried she was. Rachel had always hidden her emotions but now her fear was clear on her face. "Stay calm, try not to worry. We'll figure it out. Um, wait for me, after practice we'll talk. We'll decide what we should do."

One of Richard's teammates ran over to them. "Hey, Grayson, think you can focus on practice and not your new girlfriend?" seeing their worried expressions, he continued, "What'd you do? Get her knocked up?"

Both Rachel and Richard looked horrified. Rachel's skin turned an ashen grey. Richard was afraid she'd passed out. He protectively put a hand on her back to support her. He growled at his teammate, "Shut up, Bakers. Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, _you_ could focus on practice and the games." The two boys glared at on another until the other one left. Richard and Rachel watched him walk away mumbling to himself. Richard turned to Rachel and repeated, "Try not to worry." She let out a shaky breath and nodded.

Rachel went out into the hall as Richard went back to the practice. She leaned against the wall next to a large window. Oh God, what was she going to do? She could not be pregnant. She couldn't be knocked up like that kid said. She could not be carrying _his_ child.

She slid down along the wall until she was seated. A part of her was relieved. Richard said he'd help her. But most of all, Rachel was scared. She stared out the window and hoped she was wrong. She watched the dark clouds gathering in the sky. Please, do not let her be pregnant.

By the time they reached Richard's truck, it was sprinkling. He didn't start the truck. They just sat in silence, thoughts racing through their minds. Richard asked the main question in their minds, "What are we going to do?"

"That guy back there, at the practice, he didn't really believe that, you know, what he said, did he? What if he tells others? Oh God, what if they believe him? What if they think you and I … that you cheated on Kori? Oh, I'm sorry. I am so sorry." Rachel balled her hands into fists. "Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I keep messing up things? I ruin everything."

"Rachel, it's okay. It'll be okay. Ignore him. Everybody does. Sean Bakers is a jerk. Nobody listens to him. Nobody believes a thing he says. You didn't mess up and nothing's ruined."

"But …"

"Nothing is ruined."

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want you getting into trouble or something just because you're trying to help me."

"Don't worry, it'll be okay. Are you sure you might be, um, uh …?" Richard asked nervously. He'd never had to talk to a girl about this.

Color rose onto Rachel's cheeks she hated talking about anything that was personal or private, even if it was to a friend. This subject was about as private and personal as it got. Talking with a guy friend didn't make it easier. "My, um, stomach's been queasy. Sometimes, I can't seen to keep much down. And like I said, I, uh, I didn't, um, I skipped my …period."

"That's not good, is it?" They were both uncomfortable with the unfamiliar subject.

She sighed as she shook her head. "I've skipped it before, but it was probably because of stress or something. I never really worried about it. Maybe I should have, I don't know. It was just me and dad, so I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I didn't know how things went. Mom was already gone by the time I, you know, first started. Dad was no good at that kind of thing, so I was on my own. As you can imagine, as a thirteen year old, I was a little freaked out." Rachel shuddered, "But not as freaked out as I am now. _This_ was never a possibility."

"If there's a chance …uh, if you've had problems with stress before, why couldn't it be that again? I know everything's scary but why did you jump to the conclusion that you might be, um, pregnant?"

Rachel's face suddenly blanched when she realized what he was going to ask. She then quickly reddened with embarrassment. She didn't want to spell it out. Biting her lip, she looked out the side window she wouldn't have to look at Richard. "He, um, he, he didn't, uh, didn't use …" Rachel closed her eyes and cringed as the memory of that moment hit her. "…protection."

Richard groaned his disgust and frustration. Of course that bastard didn't use protection. That monster didn't give a second thought about destroying a teenaged girl. Not using protection would add to her torment. In anger, Richard hit the steering wheel as he swore.

Rachel flinched. She'd never seen Richard so angry. She wasn't exactly afraid of him, but she was making him angry. And she hated that she was doing that. "Sorry," she mumbled, her hand on the door. "Maybe I should …"

"Don't go. I'm sorry, I'm not angry with you. Remember, this isn't your fault. I'm angry because you've been hurt."

"I know and you're just trying to help me. I'm not making it easy. I'm sorry. I'm overly sensitive right now. Maybe this is just something I have to do on my own? Maybe there's nothing you can do?"

"Rachel, please, stop pushing me away. I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with you. You need help and I can't just stand by and do nothing while you're suffering so much. So, please, let me help you."

Rachel chipped away at her nail polish as Richard spoke. She knew he was right. She knew she couldn't do this, she couldn't survive on her own. She needed help and he was the only one who was offering it.

"What'd you say? Will you let me help you?" Richard smiled when she nodded slightly. He suggested, "I don't know, maybe you should go to a doctor or a clinic?"

"No!" she snapped at him, "I can't do that! It's bad enough that you know!" Sighing, Rachel covered her face. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just never wanted anyone to know what happened to me."

"Remember, I'm your friend and I want to help." After a moment, Richard gently added, "I think you should go to somebody. Anyone would want to help you."

Shaking her head, Rachel knew not anyone would be willing to help her. "I, I can't, I can't tell anyone else." Her brows furrowed as she intently studied her chipped nails. "I already tried that, but …" she sighed, "they didn't believe me."

Richard asked the question that had been on his mind ever since she told him what happened. "How could someone not believe you?"

"I don't know." Richard hated seeing the tears welling up in Rachel's eyes. She quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand. "I don't know, maybe it's because I didn't come right out and say that I was, um, raped? I was very upset and I just hinted at what happened. She, the person I tried to tell, accused me of making it up. She said I couldn't lie about something like that. She told me that I couldn't have sex then accuse the guy of assault because I felt guilty.

"Then when I accidentally blurted out what happened to me, my …uh, that person didn't believe me either. Or if they did believe me, they didn't act like it. It was more like they were ashamed of me. Like it was my fault." Rachel stared to panic. What if Richard started to think like the others? What if he changed his mind about believing her? "You know that's not how it was, right? I'm not making this up. I'm not trying to get attention. You still believe me, don't you?"

"Of course I believe you." No wonder Rachel kept blaming herself. Those she went to for support, didn't give her that. Instead, she got judgement and was criticized. Richard wondered if one of those people she told her father. "Don't worry. We'll figure this out, somehow."

They were trying to decide what to do when there was a knock on Richard's window. Startled, they both screamed. Gar stood outside the truck, laughing. Richard put down the window. Annoyed, he said, "Gar, what do you want?"

He was still laughing, "Dude, you should've seen your face. Too bad I didn't have the camera on my phone ready. It was priceless."

Rachel leaned over, "Gar, is there a point to your nonsense?"

"Oh, hey, Rae, what's up? Haven't seen ya around lately." She rolled her eyes. "Dude, I was wondering if you were joining us. Of course you can come too, Rae."

Richard asked, "Doing what?"

Gar shrugged, "Dunno, we were probably gonna get some movies and tons of food. Nothing too specific. Just kinda hang out."

Rachel and Richard spoke at the same time. "Can't, I have to help him with French." "Sorry, I have to help her with English."

Gar looked confused. "So which is it? You said English and she said French."

They exchanged a worried look. Rachel held up the first book she grabbed from her backpack, it was her algebra book and said, "Um, I have to help him translate some of this from English to French and …" "…and I have to help her translate it back to English," finished Richard.

Gar made a disgusted face, "Yuck, booorrring! Well, if you get done early we'll be at Vic's house."

After Gar left Rachel covered her face with her hands. "He has to suspect something's up with that lame excuse. Translating an algebra book, seriously? It's all numbers. Why couldn't I have grabbed another book?"

"Don't worry; _he's_ not gonna think anything about it." Starting the truck, he said, "Let's go get the test. You can take it at my place."

By the time they got to a drug store that was on the other side of the city, it was pouring rain. Rachel tried not to think about what she had to do. She'd hoped she would have at least been a senior, if not in collage, before having to worry about this. She tried to focus on the wipers. She focused on how the wipers sometimes matched the beat to Bruno Mars' song Grenade, playing through the speakers.

Richard parked his truck as close to the building as he could. They both sat there staring at the wipers pushing the rain away. After a few minutes Richard said, "I, um, I can go in and get it, if you want me to."

Rachel shook her head and took a ragged breath. "No, I, I can do this."

Several more minutes passed and she hadn't moved. "Rachel?"

She said softly, "Why?" Richard didn't know what she was asking. Was she asking why something so horrible happened to her? Was she asking why she had to do this? He didn't know how to answer. "Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?"

Those questions were almost worse than the ones he'd thought she was asking. In an equally quiet tone, he said, "We're friends, that's what friends do."

She stared out at the rain. "What if …what if I'm a lost cause? Maybe I'm too broken to be fixed?"

Richard felt like Rachel was at the end of her rope. She couldn't handle any more. With those questions, it was almost like she was asking for permission to let go, to end everything. If she was losing her grip, then Richard decided that he'd hold tight for her. He knew she could survive this. He'd help her fight through this.

He said softly, "Your life was turned upside down. In just a few horrifying moments, your trust and self-worth were stolen. It's going to take time to build those back up. It's not going to happen overnight but I'll be here with you. I'll help you through this. If you ever want to talk or just sit and be quiet, just call me. I'm just a phone call away."

When he didn't hear anything from her, he hoped she heard him. Richard looked over at her. Her eyes were closed. "Rachel?"

Tears seeped out under her lashes. "Thank you." Her brow wrinkled with worry. "Wh-what if I am pr…?"

"Maybe you're not? After the test, you'll know.

Rachel quickly wiped away the tears. "I know. You're right." She pulled up the hood of her coat. Opening the door, she told herself, "I can do this."

Hurrying into the drug store, she kept her hood up and looked around. She had to find the right aisle. When she got there, Rachel stared in amazement. She was surprised there were so many types of home pregnancy tests. She didn't know which one to pick. How do you pick something like that? There were tons of brands and each of those brands seemed to have several different varieties. What made one type better than another? Why did something like this have to have so many choices?

Nervously glancing around, Rachel noticed that many other products had multiple choices. Lotion, toothpaste, shampoo, even deodorant had tons of choices. That kind of made sense, since different people had different needs. Staring at the different colored boxes, Rachel wondered why there had to be so many types of home pregnancy tests. There were only two answers it could give. And Rachel hoped that only one answer would appear.

Rachel glanced around again. She had to make sure no one was around before she grabbed one that was fairly cheep. She hoped she picked the right one, a good one. Rachel nervously stood in the checkout line and tried to keep the box hidden.

Getting hot while standing in line, Rachel pushed back her hood. She impatiently tapped her fingers on the box. What was taking so long? If it was so busy, why did they only have one lane open? Slowly the line moved. Rachel was next but the lady in front of her, couldn't find the right change. Rachel had trouble hiding her annoyance. This shouldn't be taking this long. She dug into her pocket and pulled out change for the lady. The lady thanked Rachel and left with her purchase. Finally, it was Rachel's turn.

Setting the box on the counter, Rachel hoped the clerk wouldn't question her about it. She didn't know what she'd say. Could she say that it's for a friend? Rachel didn't need to think up an excuse. Luck was on her side. The clerk didn't give it a second glance. However, her luck ran out when there was a problem with the cash register. Rachel stared down at the box sitting on the counter. It was in plain sight. Anyone could see it and know what her problem was. It would be just her luck if her father or Laura came in here.

The dark-haired teen tried to decide if she should just leave without buying the test or grab the test and run. The clerk had her money so Rachel wouldn't be stealing, would she? Rachel glanced around. She saw nobody watching her but that didn't mean there wasn't a security camera. Could she risk more trouble at a drug store?

Rachel sighed as she pulled her hand from her pocket and slowly moved closer to the box. Another inch and she'd have the box. The clerk said something to her. What? Was she in trouble?

"Do you want that receipt in the bag?" the clerk repeated.

"The bag's fine." Anything that'll speed up this. The clerk handed Rachel her change and the bag. The clerk never paid attention to what Rachel was buying. Who knows, maybe teenaged girls bought home pregnancy tests at this store all the time?

Relieved that no one saw her, Rachel raced outside without putting up her hood. What Rachel didn't notice was a pair of violet eyes watching her. The owner of those violet eyes, and now an evil smirk, saw everything. She went over to the door and watched Rachel get into Richard's truck. Taking out her phone, she made a call.

* * *

They drove to Richard's house in silence. Rachel clutched the bag on her lap. She held onto it as if her life depended on it but she refused to look at it. As they went up the elevator to Richard's place, Rachel wondered, "Will anybody be home?"

"Alfred might be here but he won't bother us." Rachel gave him an uneasy look but she hoped he was right.

They walked though the door and Rachel looked in amazement. She couldn't get over the view. She didn't know how any of them got anything done. If she lived here, she'd be too distracted to do anything. For a moment, Rachel forgot about her problems. She was shaken from her reverie when she heard someone coming in the room. She quickly stuffed the bag with the test in her backpack.

"Hey, Alfred," said Richard, "We have to study for a test. We'll be in my room."

The older man nodded and mentioned that he'd be in the study if they needed anything.

The teens enter Richard's room. They both looked uncomfortable. "Um, you can use my bathroom." Rachel nodded. She took the test out of her backpack but didn't take a step towards the bathroom. After a few minutes, Richard said, "Um, Rachel?"

"I know, I know, I need to do this. I'm, …I'm just scared," she admitted.

"I know. I'm scared for you. But the test will let you know for sure. However, there might be another reason why you're, uh late." Confused, Rachel looked at him. What did he mean there could be other reasons for her to miss her period?

Richard explained, "When you were in the drugstore I looked up some things on my phone. There are some other reasons for a woman to miss her …period."

Rachel looked a little hopeful. "Really? What are some of the reasons?"

Richard took out his phone and looked it up again. "Have you been seriously sick or do you take medication?" She shook her head. He continued, "It could also be because your schedule's changed, you're underweight or you have stress."

"Stress? What do I have to be stressed about?" Rachel said sarcastically. She turned towards the bathroom but stopped before entering it. She took a deep breathe and said, "Okay, here goes nothing." A few minutes later, she came out, checking her watch. "The box says it takes five minutes. Those will probably be the longest five minutes of my life."

She paced around Richard's room before checking her watch again. Only thirty seconds had passed. She sat next to Richard on his bed. She lied down and stared at the ceiling. Putting her hand on her abdomen, Rachel took several deep breaths before she spoke. "I don't _feel_ pregnant but then I don't know what that's supposed to feel like. Maybe …I hope this is all just stress. I don't want to be pregnant." She shuddered, "I don't want to be carrying HIS child. That would be too horrible."

Richard lied down beside her. They lay side-by-side but not touching.

"I _hope_ I'm not pregnant." Rachel thought aloud. "If I am I could …I could have an abortion. I could just get rid of it. But I don't think it's as simple as that. I mean, it's not like tossing out a broken dish and forgetting about it. I'm afraid I'd be haunted by that as much as I am by things now. Right now, I'm barely able to hold it together. I never thought about abortion for me, not like this. Even though it would be _his_ , it'd also be apart of me. Could I do that? Could I just throw away apart of me? A baby's innocent. I shouldn't blame it or punish it for something's that's partially my fault."

"Rachel, it's not you're fault. Don't blame yourself for what happened." He didn't know how else to say it so she wouldn't blame herself. He hated that she felt so guilty. He wanted to kill the bastard who was making her suffer.

"But if circumstances were different, if I'd reacted differently maybe it wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't made him angry …"

"It doesn't matter how angry he was or if you stripped off you clothes and walked in front of him naked, he had no right to hurt you like that. Please, remember it's not you're fault."

"I'll try." Rachel let out a deep sigh before she continued. "I could give it up for adoption. Give it a chance at something I might not be able to give it, happiness and love. It could have a real family, a mother and a father who'd love it. They would cherish it as a gift instead of seeing it as a curse.

"Would that be how it'd be if I kept it and raised it on my own? Would it be a constant reminder of that horrible night? Would I equate the baby to that evil act?"

Richard simply said, "I don't know."

Rachel quickly wiped her eyes. "I know what it's like to feel like you're not wanted. On more than one occasion, I've felt like that. And it's not just my dad, it's with my mom too. I, I think I was an accident, they didn't plan to have a kid so soon. Mom had me right out of high school.

"There've been times I couldn't help but think things might've been better if they didn't have me. Maybe they would've been happy? Maybe they still would've divorced but dad wouldn't be so angry and mom wouldn't have tried to kill herself?" Rachel took a moment before she continued. She'd never revealed so much. She'd never revealed anything about the arguments with her father. "Um …during some of our …arguments, when dad was very angry, almost to the point to hitting me …"

"Rachel, if you don't want to share this, you don't have to. I shouldn't have pushed you last year."

"I know, but …I want to. I want you to know that I know how... Was this how my mother felt? Was she this scared when she thought she might be pregnant? Like I was saying, my father, he wasn't much of a father, was he? Anyway, he would tell me that mom wanted an abortion but she was too scared of the pain and the guilt. I tried to tell myself he only told me that to hurt me but …but sometimes, I wondered if it was true.

"Mom once told me that one time she'd thought she was pregnant. So I would've had a little brother or sister. But before she could be sure, she, um, started her period and it was heavy. She thought maybe she'd had a miscarriage but she said she was okay with it. I think God made a mistake with me being born. Something like that should've happened to me, then she wouldn't have had to deal with the guilt and grief. She could've just gone on with her life. Waited until she was ready and had a good daughter, one she could love."

"Rachel …" Richard's heart ached for the girl beside him. She'd been through so much. She didn't deserve this, any of this. "I'm sorry. I can't even begin to understand what that feels like. Even though I lost my parents when I was little, I knew their love. I'm thankful to have you as a friend. I'm honored that you'd trust me enough to open up to me. I had no idea you've felt like this. I'm so sorry."

With a sad smile, she stared up at the ceiling. It didn't matter. She couldn't change things. "I wouldn't want an innocent child to feel like this. If that test shows that I am pregnant, no amount of wishing will make it go away. What am I going to do? Oh God, I hope I'm not pregnant."

Richard said, "I hope you're not also." He looked over to her and gave her an encouraging smile. She looked over at him and returned a sad smile.

She gasped as a thought entered her mind. "If I'm pregnant then everyone will know what happened. I can't say it's Roy's because we didn't do anything. I can't say it's Jason's because we broke up months ago. What am I going to do?"

"No one's going to know unless you tell them."

"They'll know I was stupid and let something that shouldn't have."

They were silent, trying to think of a solution. Richard blurted out, "You could …say it's mine."

She turned to stare at him. "What!" Was he crazy? He wanted to say he was the father? That would mean everyone would think they slept together. Everyone would think he cheated on Kori. That would make Rachel the "other woman." She never thought she'd be in this kind of situation.

"If it helps, you could say we were together."

"But, but what about Kori? She'll be furious with you."

"We'd have to tell her the truth. Of course, we'd have to tell Vic and Gar also. Otherwise, Vic would probably pummel me."

"Are you sure? You'd really do that for me?" She shouldn't let him sacrifice so much for her. "I don't know. I can't let you do that."

"I want to help you any way I can. Maybe it'd buy you some time?"

They were silent again. "Um, have you …ever…"

Richard's face turned red, "No, but if it helps… Kori and I have talked about it but …"

"If you don't consider _that_ , then me neither." She closed her eyes. "I never thought it actually would happen. Never thought anyone would be interested in me. When I started dating Jason, it became more of a possibility. But now," she shuddered, "it's just nightmares. Oh God, I hope I'm not pregnant."

Rachel felt something brush her hand by her side. It was Richard. He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. "I hope you're not either."

Richard's door suddenly opened. Rachel and Richard quickly sat up. "Kori! What are you doing here?"

Her expression went from surprise to anger. "I thought my sister was lying. I thought she was just making things up to upset me. But I see she was right."

Richard was now standing in front of Kori. "What are you talking about?"

Kori glared at the two. "My sister told me she saw you two together. She told me that she did not wish to hurt me but she thought I should know about the two of you."

Rachel tried to calm down her friend. "Kori, Cami just wants to upset you. Don't believe anything she says unless you have proof. Richard and I haven't done anything. We're just friends."

"Cami said she saw you buying …" Kori saw the box for the home pregnancy test. She gasped, "It is true. You might be pregnant? And you are here with Richard, my boyfriend. You might be having his baby? How could you?"

Richard put his hand on Kori's shoulder to try to comfort her. "Kori, I didn't do anything with Rachel. I'm just trying to help her."

Kori pulled away from him. Not really listening to him, she turned to Rachel. Angry, Kori , "And you, I thought you were my friend. I thought of you as one of my best friends. I wanted to help you if your father was hurting you. I tried to help you but you pushed us all away. But I guess you let Richard get close, really close."

"Kori, that's not true. He's just being a friend. He's just trying to help me with my problem. Nothing has happened between us. I haven't even talked to him until last week. We are just friends."

Kori laughed but she wasn't happy, "Right, you two are friends …with benefit, is it? You wouldn't be here if you'd been with another guy." She scoffed, "Cami was right. She said you were not to be trusted. I kept telling her she was wrong. I thought you were my friend but I was wrong. You must think I am a fool. Contrary to popular belief I am not stupid!"

Rachel looked down. "I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're upset. Nothing's hap…"

"Shut up! You just keep lying. You are a … a …a lying bitch!" Rachel blinked her eyes as the stinging words came from her friend.

"Kori! That's enough!" Richard had never seen his girlfriend so angry. "I understand why you'd be upset. Why don't we all just calm down. We'll explain everything."

"I want nothing to do with you! I hope you are happy!" With tears in her eyes, Kori opened the door. "I hate you! I hate both of you!" She left, slamming the door.

Rachel struggled not to cry. She never thought the closest thing to a best friend would say things like that. Kori's words hurt her almost as much as the time her father struck her face.

"Rachel," Richard went up to her. She was trying to keep her composure. "Are you okay?"

"I-I'm okay. Go. Find Kori. Make her understand. Do whatever you can to make her forgive you. Tell her everything, if you have to." Richard looked at the door then at Rachel. He wasn't sure he should leave Rachel alone. "Go."

Rachel watched Richard race out the door. She heard him calling for Kori and the main door slam. She stumbled back until she sat on his bed. She ran her hand though her hair. The dark-haired teen didn't understand why she was so upset. She didn't understand why she just stood there and let Kori say those things about her.

She lay back down on the bed. "I keep messing up. Not only did I ruin my life but I've wrecked my friends' lives."

Her eyes flew open. She sat up suddenly. She'd forgotten about the test. Rachel hurried to the bathroom. Closing her eyes, she said a silent prayer. Taking a deep breath, Rachel looked down at the stick in her hand.

Tears instantly spilled. She covered her mouth with a trembling hand. She staggered back until she hit the bathroom wall. She slid down until she was seated.

Richard came back to his room alone. He couldn't catch up to Kori. He didn't see any sign of Rachel. Hearing something from the bathroom, he went to it. He stopped in the doorway. Rachel sat on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down her face. She stared at the test in her hand. His heart sank. Oh God, no, she's pregnant.

He dropped to his knees and gently gathered her in his arms. "I'm sorry." As she sobbed in his arms yet again, she shook her head. She kept repeating no. Richard was sure she was in shock. He wanted to make things better for her. Both of their lives just got more complicated.

Rachel pulled away from him. "No, I-I'm not." Was she in denial?

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. It's a little different from the original version but maybe not good enough for a review. I never wanted to ask for reviews. I'd hoped my writing was good enough that some would want to review. That didn't work so I started asking for reviews. I want/need reviews but nothing I do seems to get much so... review or don't.**


	35. Chapter 35: Whisper

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics**

 **Chapter 35: Whisper**

* * *

 **"Catch me as …/…it all away" -Whisper, Evanescence**

* * *

The next day at school, Rachel tried to avoid everybody, especially Richard. She didn't want him getting into any more trouble. She felt that she'd burdened him too much. She should've figured out things on her own. After all, this was her problem. Even though she was grateful for Richard's help, Rachel couldn't help but think she shouldn't have told him anything. He shouldn't get in trouble for helping her.

When it was lunchtime, Rachel went to the last place anyone would think to look for her, the gym. Before she turned the corner to go to the gym, she heard arguing. It sounded like Vic and Gar were arguing with Richard. Rachel stopped and listened.

"C'mon man, how could you?" said Vic. "Thought you really cared for her, but you go and cheat on her with one of her best friends?"

"Thought you were _her_ friend too?" said Gar. "Kori doesn't put out for you, so you go to Rachel and you almost get her pregnant? Some friend you are."

"Yeah, man, thought we knew you."

"But guess we don't."

Rachel heard Richard sigh. "It's not the way it looks. I can explain."

"Okay, so, start talking," demanded Gar.

"I will, but first, I need to see Kori. I need to talk with her first."

"Not happening," growled Vic, "She wants nothing to do with you."

Richard tried again, "Let me see Kori. Fine, get out of my way. I'm going to see her."

Rachel heard what sounded like someone being shoved against the lockers. Would they really fight? Those three have been best friends for years. They wouldn't have to go through all of this if it wasn't for her.

She went around the corner. She was right about what it sounded like. Vic had Richard shoved against the lockers. "Stop! It's not his fault!" Vic stepped back from Richard but he kept his hand on his arm, keeping him there. "If you're going to blame anyone for this mess, then blame me. Richard was just being a _friend_. He was trying to _help_ me."

"Okay, so what happened?"

"Yeah, if you have all the answers, start talking."

Rachel looked at the guys. She wondered if things were different, would they still be her friends. Vic and Gar looked so angry, maybe a little disappointed. She felt like she was shrinking under their angry gaze. She wished she could forget everything and sink through the floor. She wanted to escape everything but knew she couldn't. With a dejected sigh, Rachel finally spoke. "Fine, I'll tell you." She nervously looked around at their surroundings. "But not here. Not at school."

"Okay fine. We'll all meet at my house after school today," said Gar. "My parents have plans, so we'll have the house to ourselves. No one will bother us."

With a plan set to find out the truth, Vic and Gar left. Richard whispered the Rachel, "Are you going to tell them everything?"

Whispering back, Rachel looked miserable, "I'll tell them something. I can't let you keep getting into trouble because of me."

* * *

That afternoon at Gar's house, Kori, Gar and Vic looked angry. They wanted answers, the truth, even if they wouldn't like it. They were glaring at Richard. How could he hurt Kori like that? How could he hurt Rachel? Where was she? Why wasn't Rachel there? Where was she?

Rachel stood in the front yard of Gar's house. She'd been pacing up and down the front walk. She was trying to figure out what to say. Could she really do this? Could she tell them? Would they believe her?

Beginning to panic, Rachel was sure that they'd already made up their minds. They already thought she was horrible. She wouldn't be able to change their minds. If she left, Richard would also hate her. Maybe, she deserved that? Maybe she never should've had their friendship?

Before she could turn to leave, the front door opened. Gar stood at the door. "There you are. Come in so we can get started." With her head down, Rachel followed Gar into to living room. There, Kori looked like she wanted to claw out Rachel's eyes.

Rachel took a ragged breath and closed her eyes. She didn't want to do this. Clenching her fists, she was trying to gather enough courage to tell them. She did not want to do this. She didn't want anyone knowing what happened to her. Before she could say anything, Richard said, "Can it speak with Rachel first, in private?"

Frustrated, Gar said, "Sure, fine, you can go into the dining room. Just shut the doors." Through the glass French doors, the three remaining friends watched the other two talk. Gar leaned over to his friends, "Does anyone know how to read lips?"

It wasn't necessary for anyone to know how to read lips. Even though they were in the living room and couldn't hear Richard, they heard most of what Rachel was saying or rather shouting. Rachel yelled, "I can't. I can't do this."

Richard seemed to be encouraging Rachel. Stepping away from him, she shook her head, "No, I can't do this and no I'm not strong."

Again, Richard seemed to be encouraging or comforting her. "Why should I tell them?" Without looking their direction, Rachel pointed to the three in the living room. "Why? So they can hate me more than they do now?"

Whatever Richard said, he received a glare from Rachel. "Why shouldn't they hate me? I do, I hate myself!" clutching her head in her hands, Rachel loudly groaned, "Why did I have to tell you? Why did you have to find me?"

Vic knocked on the door, "Okay, _what's_ this all about? Think it's time somebody gave some answers." Rachel's eyes darted back and forth between the two guys. She was really going to have to do this? Letting out a sigh, she dropped her head down and followed Vic back to the living room. Richard, feeling bad for Rachel, followed her. "Okay," said Vic, "so who's gonna start?"

Again, before Rachel could say anything, Richard spoke. "Why don't we all sit down. Rachel has something to say." To his distraught friend, he said, "If you're not able to do this, I can tell them." He wished he could make this easier for her. He wished she'd never be through something so horrible and that there was nothing to tell. Rachel shook her head. The others curiously looked at the two dark-haired teens. Was this more than they'd originally thought?

Rachel took a deep breath. Looking down at her hands, she noticed that they were shaking. Pulling her sleeves down over her hands, she hoped the others didn't notice them shaking. She took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "Um, first, I want to say, Richard did nothing wrong. He was just trying to help me, like he said. Kori, you have to know, he'd never hurt you like that. He cares for you too much. Richard's one of the good guys. Don't let him go because of a mistake I've made."

Catching a glimpse of Kori, Rachel noticed that her expression has softened some. She seemed less angry and maybe curious, a little concerned. Glancing over at Gar and Vic, they had similar expressions. Looking down at her sleeve-covered hands, Rachel wondered if they would believe her. Would they be like Richard and believe her and want to help her? Or would they be like Trigon and Laura and blame her? She swallowed hard, trying to get the lump out of her throat.

Rachel didn't want to see their reactions so she closed her eyes. This was going to be hard enough without seeing their shock and possible anger. "Richard didn't tell you anything because I made him promise he wouldn't tell anyone. What happened was … Um, several weeks ago, I, um, uh, …" Rachel stood and went over to the windows. This was so much harder than she'd imagine it would be. She'd said what happened to her a few times and it wasn't getting any easier. "Sorry, this is harder than I thought it'd be." All that time, she'd absentmindedly picked at the hem of one of her sleeves. She'd picked at it until the sweater started to unravel. That was kind of like her life, picked apart until she was just hanging by a thread.

"Rachel?" That was Gar.

"Give her a minute," said Richard.

Gar continued softly, "Take all the time you need."

Gar sounded so concerned. That surprised Rachel. Would they really understand? Maybe she wasn't giving them enough credit? Weren't they willing to do anything to help her with her father's abuse? Tears stung her eyes. She'd screwed that up too. If she hadn't gotten so angry and scared and pushed them away, would she be going through all of this right now?

The tears threatened to fall. No. She couldn't cry. She thought she'd been too weak. She couldn't show them how weak she was. Her father always thought tears were a sign of weakness. She had to be stronger than she had been. She had to do this but God, it was so hard.

Still picking at her sleeve with trembling hands, Rachel took several deep breaths. When she spoke, her voice was small. "I, uh, I was …raped." She shuddered as she squeezed her eyes shut. It was not getting any easier saying that.

Still facing the window with her eyes closed, Rachel heard them gasp. She heard someone get up. Kori stood behind her friend "Rachel?" the dark-haired teen turned around to see tears in Kori's eyes. "Rachel, I am so sorry. May I give you a hug?" Seeing Kori's tears brought for Rachel's own tears. She nodded and Kori hugged the hurting girl. It wasn't Kori's trademark bear hug, but a gentle, loving hug. It took a moment for Rachel to relax a bit. Soon, both girls were crying freely. Rachel was the first one to break away from the hug. Kori sincerely said, "I am so sorry. For confiding in us, we are most humble. I do not know if I could be as brave as you have been." With her arm around Rachel, Kori lead her back to the others.

Brave? Rachel hadn't felt brave about any of this. Using her sleeve to wipe away her tears, Rachel shook her head. "I'm not brave. I'm a coward. If I was brave, I would've said something sooner."

Gar set a box of tissues on the coffee table. Kori grabbed several tissues. The guys each ask if they could give her a hug. Rachel nodded but she was tense with each of their hugs. After everyone sat down, Gar asked, "When, um, when did it, uh, happen?"

Rachel grabbed a few tissues and pulled her knees up to her chest. She sighed. Of course they'd have questions and they deserved answers. Maybe not all the answers but they deserved something. "I was, um, it, it happened just after Christmas."

"What? But Rachel, that was about two months ago. Why didn't you tell us sooner? We would've helped you."

"I know. I should've said something but I just couldn't." Rachel started tearing up a tissue. "I was too ashamed, too embarrassed."

"I am sorry for what I thought and said," said Kori as she leaned forward and grasped Rachel's hand. "It was wrong of me. I should have trusted my friend."

Rachel slowly pulled her hand away from Kori. She tucked away lock of dark hair behind her ear. "No, I understand, you were upset. I was acting strange with Richard. Guess I wasn't giving you a reason to trust me. Don't feel bad. It wasn't your fault."

"Do you know who …?" Rachel quickly shook her head. She couldn't tell them. No one could know that. They assumed Rachel didn't know who hurt her.

Victor was infuriated. Who would hurt his "little sister"? He knew he had to control his anger but when he spoke, they all heard hints of his anger. "The police are looking for that bastard. They'll find them." Rachel blushed and suddenly looked down at her shaking hands. "You told the police, right?"

With a tiny voice, Rachel said, "Um, no." The others gave her a questioning look. "I'm sorry! I guess I was too afraid."

"You don't have to apologize. Please, tell us you at least saw a doctor?"

Rachel thought for a moment. "Um, I don't know. I …I don't think I did. But I-I don't know."

Everyone was confused. How was that possible? Richard asked the question everyone was thinking, "How do you not know if you saw a doctor?"

With a shudder, Rachel tried to explain. "After I was …after it happened, I guess I just wandered the city. I didn't know or care where I went. It was raining but I didn't care. I was in pain, shock and numb. I was so scared and confused. Why did that just happen? I don't know how long it walked. I think I ended up at a hospital. It was the one near Ashton Park."

"Ashton Park? That's on the edge of the city. How far did you walk?"

"I don't know. I just know that I woke up in a hospital. At first, I didn't know why I was there. I couldn't remember what happened. It was so strange missing some of my memory. I struggled and forced myself to remember what happened. I wish I hadn't. I was horrified when I finally remembered. I just wanted to get out of there. If the doctor or nurses knew or suspected anything, they never said."

"Did they know why you were in the hospital?"

"I guess I suffered from hypothermia, you know the rain and everything. At least that's what they said. They also said there were some problems, but everything turned out okay. While I was unconscious, I don't know if they, um, noticed any …uh, evidence." Rachel's face turned bright red with embarrassment and shame. She couldn't believe she was talking about this. But it got her wondering if those at the hospital knew what happened to her. It had been so violent, there must have been evidence. She shuddered. They must have figured it out.

Richard picked up when Rachel became quite with her thoughts. "I found her on the beach a couple weeks ago. Rachel was very upset and I was worried about her. We talked some and eventually, Rachel opened up and told me what happened to her. She was so scared and confused. I'll admit, I was too."

"Sorry."

"Rachel, it's okay. You shouldn't be sorry. I'm glad you trusted me enough to open up to me. I wanted to help you." Looking at his friends, he explained, "So Rachel made me promise not to tell anyone. I wanted to tell you, get your help, but I couldn't. Sorry, I had to focus on helping Rachel."

"Do not worry about that. We know now and we will help as well."

Rachel looked at her friends. She was suddenly filled with panic. They knew. They knew what happened to her. Rachel knew they each had an idea of what happened to her. They'd never know exactly what happened, she'd never tell them that. Oh God, she never wanted _anyone_ to know any of it. And now more and more people knew. Most believed her and she was grateful for that. But that still didn't change that more people knew.

"Rachel?" Richard noticed the panic in her eyes.

Rachel clasped her head in her hands. She needed to search for a way out. She jumped to her feet. "I-I have a headache." Before any of them could say anything, Rachel rushed from the room. In the kitchen, she leaned her forehead against the refrigerator. She tried to control her breathing.

She overheard them deciding to give her some time. Hearing them question Richard, Rachel groaned. She was sure he was telling them everything. He was probably telling them what she said that happened between her and her father. Clutching her head again, Rachel sighed. How could she have been so stupid?

With her headache intensifying, Rachel remembered Gar mentioning one time that there was a first-aid kit in the kitchen. As she searched for it, Rachel hoped it had acetaminophen or ibuprofen, she didn't care which one as long as it helped her headache.

In the other room, the others heard Rachel checking drawers and cupboard doors. Gar got up to help her when Vic stopped him. "Wait, let me check on her."

Sighing, Gar sat again. "Sure, okay. Call me if you need anything."

Vic entered the kitchen finding Rachel struggling with an aspirin bottle. "Rae?" Vic asked softly. He didn't want to startle her.

But she didn't notice him. She muttered to herself, "How could I be so stupid?"

"Rae, want me to help you open it?"

Rachel jumped slightly, realizing Vic was there. Frustrated, she groaned, "I already opened it. I just can't get the stupid thing closed. How stupid am I? I can't even close a stupid bottle. It's not even one of those childproof ones. It just screws on and I can't do that. I'm an idiot."

Vic slowly approached the troubled girl. His large hands surrounded her hands and the bottle. "You're not stupid or idiotic. You're understandably upset."

Rachel looked down at their hands. "He told you everything, didn't he? Richard, he told you about my father? He told you that my father did sometimes hit me."

Vic's heart sank. He hated that their suspicions were true. He softly said, "Richard wouldn't betray you. He didn't say anything about your father."

Rachel looked up at her friend, her eyes were wide with fear. "But …"

"He didn't say anything but …you just did." Rachel's face slowly began to crumble as he spoke. She just exposed another secret. A secret that was never supposed to be known. Vic carefully took the bottle from Rachel's hands and set it on the counter.

She berated herself. "I messed up everything. Everything's falling apart. If I'd just stayed quiet, none of this would've happened. Why did I say anything? Why couldn't I just shut up?"

Vic carefully wrapped his arms around his "little sister". He hated that she was hurting so much "I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you when you were first hurting. I promise to help you in any way that I can." Rachel began to cry. Vic held her carefully but firmly while she cried.

In the living room, the others heard Rachel's sobs. Kori, Gar and even Vic were surprised and concerned by her tears. They'd never known Rachel to cry like that.

It took a while for Rachel to calm down. When Vic and Rachel returned to the others, she wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get so upset."

"Rae, stop apologizing. YOU have nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm sor…never mind." Rachel rubbed her forehead.

Kori asked, "Does your head still hurt?" Rachel slowly nodded. She felt like her head was going to split open.

Gar had a suggestion. "Wanna lie down? Maybe some rest will help? You could lie down in my roo…, uh no, the guest room." Rachel shrugged her shoulders. Everyone took that to mean yes.

Kori carefully put her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "I will get her settled."

Once the girls were out of the room, Vic turned to Richard. Vic hissed, "You knew her father hit her?"

Gar was shocked. "What! Dude! You knew?"

"Quiet. Don't let Rachel hear you."

Gar continued in a lower voice, "Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell us?"

Richard said, "I only found out about her dad about two weeks ago. And that was after …"

Kori returned to the room. The guys looked up at her. She answered their unasked question, "She has calmed down and is now resting." She flopped down on the sofa. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

Vic asked Richard, "So why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you at let us know about her old man hitting her?" Kori gasped. "You know we'd do anything to help."

"I didn't know what to do," Richard almost whined, something he rarely did.

"Maybe if you didn't have this hero complex and want to save everybody, things would be different now? Maybe if you hadn't pushed her into admitting something was wrong, she wouldn't have pushed us away? And if she wasn't so isolated, maybe we could've helped her? Maybe she wouldn't have gotten …hurt?"

Richard angrily whispered back, "Don't you think I've thought about that? I feel guilty. I'd only wanted to help her, keep her from getting hurt. And now she's hurt in an unimaginable way. If I'd just kept my suspicions to myself or if I'd privately asked her about it, maybe Rachel'd be okay now? I feel like partially to blame."

"Friends, stop fighting. This will not help Rachel in any way.

Richard ran his hands through his hair. "I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what to do. I _wanted_ to tell you guys everything but I was so scared. She made me promise not to tell anyone. I was so scared about what she'd do if I did tell anyone. I was afraid she's runaway or do something more drastic. I knew she needed help, but …" With his elbows on his knees, he clutched his head in his hands. "I did what I could. I tried to help. But …maybe it wasn't enough?"

Kori leaned against Richard and put her arm around him. "Do not be so hard on yourself. You have been a true friend for Rachel. That is more than I can say for myself. I have not been a very good friend to either of you. Richard, I am truly sorry for not believing you. You were doing what was right. You were helping a friend. I am sorry I listened to my mean-hearted sister."

Vic clapped his hand on Richard's shoulder, "Man, sorry about what I said, don't worry about it. You did what you had to. If she told one of us first, we'd probably do the same things you did. We're not blaming you. We're just upset about Rae."

"Yeah, dude, we should've trusted you when you said you were helping Rae." Everyone was quiet for a while. "She'll be okay, right?"

* * *

The phone rang, waking up Rachel. When she went in to the living room, she saw three of her friends talking quietly. She didn't think she'd ever seen them so downcast. She hated that she was what made them feel that way. She couldn't hear what they were saying but she was certain it was about her. When they noticed her, they stopped talking. That confirmed her suspicions. Was this how it was always going to be? Every time she entered the room, all conversation would stop?

"Dear friend, are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, I guess. Sorry I brought everybody down."

"Don't worry about it. _We_ are fine. We're just worried about you."

Gar came back in the room, "Hey, y'all wanna stay and hang out? That was my parents. They're not coming home til tomorrow. We could get pizza and watch movies."

Four of them glanced at one another and nodded. Then they looked at Rachel. Gar said, "Are you feeling better? We haven't hung out as a group for a while. Whadya say Rae?" For some reason Gar didn't want Rachel to leave.

"It's _Rachel_ not _Rae_." She looked at each of them. They seemed too …eager to please. She couldn't figure out what she felt from them. Was it pity? Maybe they were just concerned? "I'm fine. I …shouldn't."

"C'mon Rachel, what else are you gonna do? Stay, have some fun."

"Yes, please stay. We will get to enjoy pizza and partake in enormous amounts of junk food. Please stay, _please_."

Rachel shrugged, "Okay, I guess."

* * *

There was the usual heated discussion about the pizzas. Finally, they decided after almost thirty minutes of Gar and Vic bickering about meat vs. meatless. They'd order a vegetarian, mega-meat lovers, and a pepperoni pizza. There was no earthly reason why they had that argument every time except they were both stubborn.

Now they were onto which movie to watch. It was agreed that it shouldn't be violent or a romance. Rachel tried to convince them she was fine with whatever they chose. Gar had an idea, "Hey, what about an animated movie? I've got all the Shrek, Ice Age and Madagascar movies. We could have a marathon."

Vic shook his head, "Man, what's with you and the talking animals?"

"So I like animals, big deal. Wouldn't it be cool if they could really talk? If I had superpowers, I'd be able to communicate with all the animals. What about you guys? What would be your superpowers?"

After thinking a moment, Kori said, "I would be able to fly. I would also be super strong or shoot lasers from my eyes. I do not know which I would rather have."

Glad she caught on, Gar said, "Why not have all of that?"

Richard said, "Maybe I'd be a master martial artist with awesome gadgets?"

"Dude, like a ninja. Cool."

Vic finished sorting through the movies. "I think I'd have a computer-like brain and be able to build any type of machinery or weapon."

Kori asked, "What about you, Rachel? What type of superpowers would you have?"

Rachel, who has observed everything quieter than usual and wondered if she'd ever feel normal again, said in her usual monotone voice, "I'd like to be able to become invisible or sink through walls." She noticed they all seemed dejected by her answer. She hated that she made them feel bad. They were just trying to help. "Or …I'd be able to move things with my mind." Apparently, that answer was better because her friends perked up.

Vic said, "Telekinesis, awesome. Then maybe you could fix Gar's hair."

"Hey, dude, what's wrong with my hair? At least I have some."

Vic rubbed his hand over his hairless head. "THIS is for sports. Besides, I shave it. It's not like I lost my hair."

Rachel rolled her eyes at them. Some things never change.

Kori suddenly realized what her friend were doing at Richard's house when she barged in yelling. She leaned forward to talk directly to her sad friend. "Rachel, when you were at Richard's place, did everything turn out all right? Are you …?"

Rachel understood what Kori was saying. A brief sad smile crossed Rachel's lips. "It was negative. So I'm okay, at least with that." The rest of her life was debatable but she had her friends again so maybe she had a chance.

After they ordered the pizzas, a thought suddenly hit Gar like a ton of boulders. "Hey, Rachel, what happened at Richard's? You know, after Kori left. You were, uh, taking a, um, you know …"

Vic piped up, "He means well, but ignore him if you want to." He was just as curious and concerned about his friend but Vic didn't want to pressure her.

Rachel's face reddened. "It's okay. I should've told you guys once you knew what happened. I'm, um, I'm not pregnant. It was negative." Her friends smiled at the good news.

Richard said, "She really scared me though, when I went back to my room. She was sitting on the bathroom floor, crying. She was staring at the test in her hand. I thought for sure it was positive. I dropped down next to her. I held her as I said I was sorry. As she cried, she kept shaking her head. She whispered no several times. I thought she was refusing to believe it. I know I was. I was hoping it was wrong."

Rachel said sheepishly, "I'm sorry I scared you. Guess I was just relieved and overwhelmed by everything. I was so relieved all I could do was cry. Of course, that's all I seem to do now anyway."

The pizzas came and everyone grabbed a slice or two (or three in Vic's case). They settled in for movie marathon night. No worries tonight, just friends, food and fun movies.

Rachel tried to focus on the movie. That was something normal. It was a normal Friday night. It was something she would've done before everything happened. Sometimes, it was hard to focus because she felt like her friends were watching her. She told them that she cried at anything. Was that what they were looking for? Were they looking for any sign that she was fall apart? Every time she glanced around the room, someone's eyes quickly went back to the movie. Rolling her eyes, Rachel tried to ignore her well-meaning friends.

When they took a break between movies, Rachel went into the kitchen. She needed some space. She knew they meant well but it was frustrating have them always look at her, making sure she was okay.

She slowly sipped her glass of water as she stared out the kitchen window. Not that there was anything to see, it was dark out. She couldn't help but wonder how things would be different if she'd told her friends about Trigon's abuse in the beginning. Would any of this be happening?

A few minutes later, Richard came into the kitchen. "Hey, how are you doing?"

"Okay, I guess." Shrugged Rachel. "It's kind of hard knowing other people know."

"We all just want to help you."

"I know. Thanks."

Richard took a moment to figure out how he wanted to ask his question. "Um, Rachel, that day I found you at the beach, the day that you told me, you weren't just out there to think were you?"

She looked down at the glass in her hands. "No. As you said, I was scared and confused. I still am but that day …I didn't think I could take it anymore. I just wanted to disappear. I didn't think anyone would miss me." She sighed. "I'd planned to walk out into the water and never turn back. But I was too scared to do THAT. Right now, I'm afraid of everything. I sat there trying to figure out what to do. I felt so lost. I couldn't go back to the way things used to be; that was over. I couldn't go forward; I was in too much pain.

"When you came along, you gave me a lifeline. Thank you. You showed me someone cared about me. You showed me I might be able to start living again. I'm sorry I scared you and I'm sorry I put so much on you. I was just having some very bad, dark days."

"Don't worry about me. Focus on healing. Could I give you a hug?" She nodded. As they hugged, Richard said, "You know we all just want what's best for you." He felt her nodding quickly against his chest. He had a sense that she was trying not to cry. When they broke from the hug, Rachel's eyes were slightly wet.

"Thank you. I can't promise I won't have anymore bad days."

"We'll all be here to help you through those."

* * *

Gar slowly began to wake up. He had no idea what time it was or why his neck hurt from sleeping in an odd angle. He didn't even know when he fell asleep. His eyes were still closed and he was half-asleep. What time was it? He opened his eyes enough to see it was dark. He started to drift back to sleep when he felt someone snuggle up to him. 'Damn it Vic,' he thought, 'if you're being stupid I will shove you off this sofa. I don't care how much bigger you are than me.' Gar was ready to shove his friend away when he opened his eyes and stopped. Vic wasn't next to him, it was Rachel.

Gar remembered that he insisted on sitting next to her. She wanted to sit alone in the oversized chair. Gar and his friends didn't want her to be so isolated anymore. She relented when they promised everyone would have their one space on the sofa.

Now, Rachel was curled up on her side, using Gar as a pillow. He glanced around the room; everyone else was asleep and the movie stopped. Vic was sprawled out and softly snoring on the other side of Gar. Kori and Richard were cuddled together in the oversized chair. They weren't doing anything. Kori had her head on Richard's chest. He had his arm around Kori and he was resting his head on hers.

Gar turned his attention back to the girl snuggled up to him. He's never been that close to a sleeping girl. That was, not unless you counted the time he fell asleep in the car with his cousin and they were both six, which he didn't count.

He'd never had a chance to be that close to Rachel. He was sure if she caught him studying her like that, she'd tear his face off. She was sound asleep so he took a chance. The way her hair was tucked behind her ear, he could see a small white scar on her forehead, it was right near her hairline so it wasn't usually noticeable. He hated that she had any scars. Her eyelashes were very long and thick. He wonders, 'How do girls do that?'

In the soft glow of the TV, he couldn't see the hint of a few freckles dancing across her nose and cheeks, but he knew they were there. His eyes traveled down to Rachel's lips. They looked so soft and kissable.

What the hell was he thinking! She'd just told them that she'd been through hell and now he wanted to kiss her? That couldn't happen. She just opened up to them. If he did anything like he was thinking, he'd scare her off. Gar mentally kicked himself, what the hell was wrong with him? He couldn't scare her away. She needed her friends now more than ever. Drifting back to sleep, Gar watched Rachel sleeping.

As morning neared, Rachel started to stir. That was the most peaceful night's sleep she'd had in about two months. She sleepily opened her eyes and was surprised to see that she was snuggled up to Gar. With eyes wide open, she carefully pulled away from him. She didn't want to wake him or the others. She noticed Kori and Richard cuddled together like a couple. Rachel felt a small pang of jealousy. She didn't think she'd feel like that again. She thought she could never have that. Rachel used the armrest of the sofa as a pillow. It didn't even occur to her that she was just snuggled against Gar as her friends were doing.

Gradually, the five friends began to wake up. Trying to keep things light, Rachel joked, "So much for our movie marathon night. We all fell asleep."

Gar said, "Yeah, I looked over and you'd fallen asleep soon after the second movie'd started."

"Sorry, guess I was tired."

"Don't worry 'bout it. You probably needed the sleep.

Vic, who was always thinking about his stomach, wondered, "What do we do about breakfast?"

Gar suggested, "We could do eggs and bacon."

"Is any of it that artificial stuff?"

"It's not artificial, it's made of tofu."

"Dude, no one wants your nasty tofu eggs and fake bacon. What about waffles? You still like waffles, don't you, Rae?"

She deadpanned, "More than you'll ever know."

Richard said, "Then it's settled, we'll have waffles."

Kori's eyes lit up, "Ooh, may we put our own toppings on them?"

They were all nervous about what the cheerful redhead would pick. Richard cautiously asked, "Are you going to put mustard on your waffle?"

"Nooo, you do not put mustard on waffles. That is silly." Her friends were relieved. "I am going to put on strawberry jelly …"

Vic commented, "That sounds good."

Kori finished her thought, "…and some slices of cheese."

Vic almost fell off his chair at that thought and Gar just about dropped the plates. A sound filled the kitchen that hadn't been heard for a while. Rachel's melodious, though slightly rusty from disuse, laughter rang through the air. Liking what they heard, her friends joined her in a laughing fit.

Eventually settling down, Rachel said, "Sorry, guess it just struck me as funny."

"Do not ever be sorry about laughing."

"Yeah, your laugh is pretty. You should do it more often."

Rachel raised an eyebrow at Gar. What was he talking about? She shook her head slightly trying to forget about Gar's nonsense. "Thank you."

"Thank you? What for?"

"Thank you for letting me feel normal for a little while. Right now, nothing seems normal for me."

"You'll get through this. We'll help you."

"Thank you for being my friends." That set them off singing the theme song from Golden Girls.

Rachel spent the rest of the morning laughing with her friends. She hadn't laughed that hard since she was at the ice cream parlor with her friends. Her smile faded some as she remembered the severe beating she got that night.

Vic noticed that Rachel was quiet again. Almost as if he was reading her mind he asked, "Are you nervous about going home? I mean, if you're afraid of your father, you shouldn't go home."

"Yes, you could come home with me. I promise my uncle will not ask any questions and my stupid sister will leave you alone."

"Thanks guys but I'm not afraid. He hasn't done a thing since the fall. I don't think he'll do anything, not with the authorities watching him." Remembering what _he'd_ said that night about her father sending _him_ , Rachel shuddered slightly. Just because her father didn't directly hurt her, didn't stop that awful night from happening. Rachel forced a smile on her lips to prove she was okay.

Reluctantly, they let Rachel go home alone. She was going to the stairs when Trigon came out of the study. "I thought I heard you come home. Where were you last night?"

"I was with my friends." She murmured under breath, "Not that you care."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

In an instant, Trigon was at his daughter's side. He grabbed her elbow. They both recognize how similar this was to that early November night and the night she revealed her dark secret. Only this time, like that most recent night, Rachel couldn't even try to hide her fear. She was terrified of her father.

After angrily staring into his daughter's fear filled eyes a few moments he realized, he couldn't do anything to her. Whether or not he believed that she was raped, Trigon knew that she believed that happened to her. If he hurt her now, he'd truly be a monster. He was sure Laura would see him like that.

Trigon shoved husband daughter away from him. He growled "You're lucky, this time. Get out of here. I don't want to see you right now."

Rachel didn't have to be told twice. She ran up the stairs to her room. There, behind the locked door, she turned her music up full blast. With tears streaming down her face, she screamed at the door, "I hate you! I HATE YOU! _I HATE YOU!_ "

Dropping to her knees, Rachel curled up on her floor. "You taint everything in my life. Last night, this morning, they were good, now you've messed them up. You can't let me have _anything_ good in my life. You hate me so much that you can't even let me have my dignity? God I hate you! I wish you would just disappear from my life!"

Rachel sobbed knowing she was stuck in that hell. Even though her friends have understood about the rape, she didn't think they'd understand that her father might have had something to do with it. She didn't understand it herself, how could she expect anyone else to get it. "I just want all the pain to go away. I hate my life!"

* * *

 **Thanks for reading.**


	36. Chapter 36: Panic Attack

**Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Dream Theater or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 36: Panic Attack**

* * *

 **"All wound …/ …afraid to die" -Panic Attack, Dream Theater**

* * *

Rachel might not admit it to anybody, maybe not even to herself, but she was glad her friends knew her secrets. They've been wonderful. They're there for her but not to the point of being smothering. Of course, there were many moments of awkward, embarrassed silences, times when nobody knew what to say. It was almost as if she was new to the group but she slowly began to feel normal again. Even her queasiness had passed. Rachel wondered if it was because of her nerves. Keeping that secret inside her was not healthy. Now that her friends knew, she didn't have to keep it bottled up. That said, she hardly ever talked about that night.

Rachel's so relieved the pregnancy test was negative. She didn't know what she would've done if it said she was pregnant. She's thankful she didn't have to worry about that. Maybe Richard was right? Maybe the stress of everything messed her up? While things aren't one hundred percent perfect or even near it, she was feeling better. She regretted that she scared Richard that day. She didn't mean to do that.

* * *

After school one day, the re-acquainted friends were trying to figure out what to do. Rachel's guidance counselor came up to them, interrupting their conversation. "Excuse me Rachel, were you planning on taking driver's-ed this summer?"

That question caught Rachel by surprise. "Um, I don't know. I'll have to talk it over with my dad."

"Okay, let me know as soon as you know. Of course, it's too late for this semester. The cut off date for sighing up for the summer classes is coming up and they're filling up fast. If you'd taken the class in the fall, you'd be driving by now."

Rachel forced a smile on her face. "Um, like I said, I'd have to talk to my dad about it. I'll get back to you."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know. I didn't want you to miss out."

"Okay, thanks." Rachel rolled her eyes as the guidance counselor left. Why couldn't people mind their own business?

"I did not know you had a birthday recently and you could now drive? Is it not exciting being sixteen? When was your birthday? How did you celebrate?"

"It's not a big deal. And I can't drive because I haven't taken driver's-ed."

"Birthdays are a big deal," said Gar, "You can get a lotta loot."

"It's nothing important."

"Nonsense, birthdays are delightful and joyful."

"Not always," muttered Rachel. "Can we just forget it, _please_? I-I don't want to talk about it. Did we want to see a movie?"

Rachel's reluctance to speak about her birthday raised Richard's suspicions. He knew Rachel's attack happened near New Year's but he didn't know when her birthday was. About four months ago, she pushed them away, so her birthday could be any time during that time period. "Rachel, did something happen on your birthday?"

Vic and Rachel were the only ones who understood what Richard was asking. "No, _nothing_ happened," said Rachel as she avoided making eye contact. How embarrassing to admit that nobody cared about her birthday. "That's just it, nothing happened on my birthday. It was forgotten. Even I almost forgot about it."

"So, your father and stepmother did not remember?"

Rachel shook her head. "Nope. I think they were out of town or something."

"Oh, how horrible."

"Kori, like I said, it's no big deal. Nothing to get excited about. It's just a day like any other."

"No, it is not. You must have a celebration for your special day. You must celebrate the sixteen years you have been on this earth."

Rachel sighed, "It's done, and it's over. Can't we just move passed it? I have, I'm okay with it. Besides, I wasn't really in the mood to do any celebrating at the time."

"When was your birthday?"

Rachel sighed again. She didn't like talking about her birthday. "It was last month, the beginning of February. Can we _please_ change the subject?"

"Of course, I am sorry. I did not mean to upset you," said Kori

"Did we want to get a bite to eat before the movie?" asked Vic, "We could try out that new place or …"

Rachel became quite as they discussed the plans. She was glad they were off the subject of her birthday. She never liked that day, at least not since she started junior high. Often, she felt like a disappointment and didn't deserve a celebration.

* * *

A few days later, Rachel quickly unlocked the back door. She still had trouble doing that. There were too many memories connected to that horrible night. As she entered the house she asked, "Are you sure your uncle won't be upset if I spend the night?" She went to the refrigerator and offered Kori a bottle of water.

"It is not a problem," say Kori, accepting the water. "Uncle Galen is always pleased to have MY friends over. Besides, Cami is almost never home anymore so you do not have to worry about her. She is off with her miscreant friends. You are coming to my house, correct?"

"Kori, I already said I'd come over."

Kori wondered, "Your father is not upset about it. I would not want to get you into trouble."

Rachel shook her head as if it wasn't an issue. It wasn't as if she'd ever get in trouble for something as simple as that, even though she had. "He's away on a business trip or something. I don't know, maybe he's somewhere with Laura. She's also out of town" She shook her head again, "I don't care as long as they leave me alone."

"What about your job at the café? I am sure that takes up some of your time so you do not have to be around your father." After her first encounter with Trigon, Kori didn't like Rachel's father. Now, after knowing what Rachel's been through, she didn't want her friend around that negativity.

"Um, I don't work there anymore."

"Why not? I thought you liked working there."

"Well, things happen. When I stopped going, I kind of lost the job. Don't worry, I'm okay with it."

"What did your father say when you lost your job?"

"Uh, he doesn't know." A shadow of fear crossed Rachel's face, which she quickly hid. "I don't want to find out what his reaction would be, so I pretend to go to work. That way I can get out of the house for awhile."

"If you do not mind me asking? Where do you go?"

"I just wander around some. Usually, I hang out in an old cemetery. He'd never find me there. Don't look at me like that. It's not that creepy. It's kind of serene."

Kori shuddered, "You might find it so, but please, come to my house. I do not want my friend hanging around a creepy old cemetery."

"I don't want to take advantage of your friendship and just intrude on your life. I'm okay with how things are now. It's warming up so it's not that bad."

Following her friend up the stairs, Kori repeated, "My uncle is pleased to have my friends over so it would not be a problem. Please say you will consider it. I do not like to think of my friend sitting in such a depressing place even if you think it is peaceful."

To please Kori, Rachel agreed to think about it.

The two friends entered Rachel's room. Stunned, Kori stopped. "Oh Rachel, your room, it is …"

"Sorry, it's kind of a mess." She hastily moved aside clothes, papers and books. As she did that, Kori looked around her friend's once orderly room. It now resembled a college frat room. Not only did the already mentioned items litter the floor but also there were food wrappers and art supplies.

Kori gasped seeing an empty vodka bottle on the floor. Following the redhead's gaze, Rachel slowly and carefully progressed through the clutter on the floor. She picked up the bottle and dropped it into the ironically empty wastebasket. "It's been a rough couple of months. Don't worry I DON'T like drinking. I've only done it a few times. Sometimes, I get so …overwhelmed. But the bottle wasn't full, so I didn't drink ALL of it."

"I am truly sorry you have had to go through all of this by yourself."

Embarrassed, Rachel avoided eye contact. "I-I could've, I should've said something sooner."

As Rachel gathered some things, Kori sadly looked at Rachel's repainted wall. It worried her how dark and angry it was. She scanned the things on her friend's bed. Kori picked up a sketchbook. With a furrowed brow, she studied the drawing. It was a good drawing but Kori didn't like it. She didn't like the depressing feeling she got from it. "Rachel, why would you draw such a thing?"

Rachel took the sketchbook away. "It's just a drawing. It doesn't mean anything. Like I said it's been rough. No one knew what happened and I needed to express my feelings without letting anyone know something was wrong."

"Okay, as long as you are certain you are doing better."

"I hate that you guys know what happened to me but …at the same time, I guess I'm a little relieved. I don't know, maybe that doesn't make any sense." A reflective silence hung between the two girls for a moment. Rachel grabbed her bag, "Okay I'm ready. Let's go."

* * *

"I am truly worried about Rachel." Kori talked of her concerns about Rachel to the guys. Rachel had a study group so she wasn't there. "When I went to her house the other day, her room was a mess."

"That's no big thing," said Gar. "My room's always messy. Nothing I do changes that."

Vic muttered, "You could try cleaning it."

Kori shook her head sending her long ponytail swaying around. "No, it is more than that. Rachel is not a neat freak but she is not _that_ untidy. She had so much stuff scattered around. It was as if she didn't care about those things, things like her books and art supplies."

"That doesn't sound like Rachel."

"She had repainted her wall of delightful, fanciful, shimmery swirls with black and red paint and hate."

"That sounds depressing but you don't know it was done with hate. Although, I probably wouldn't blame her."

"She had the word 'hate' scrawled in red across her new dark walls. I am worried about her."

"Do you know when she did that? Maybe it was just after _it_ happened? Of course she'd be upset and depressed."

"I do not know. I did not ask. Like I said, I am worried about our friend. Even though she tries to act like things are normal again, I think she is still depressed."

Vic said, "Her father, then that bastard, put her through hell, she gonna have some dark days."

"I understand that and that was what I thought but then I saw her artwork. It was most alarming in its subject. It was a drawing of a heart but not like the kind of heart you or I would draw. It was not like a heart that would be on a valentine card." In the air, with her fingers Kori drew the outline of a heart. "It was a realistic heart, with veins and everything. Only this one looked as if it was coarsely stitched together with dark thread. In the center of the heart is a sizeable gaping hole. It was dripping black blood, although it was a pencil drawing so perhaps that was why it was black. It was truly chilling. It looked like the heart was shot. It was drawn well but it was quite grotesque."

The guys agreed, that didn't sound very good. They wondered what more they could do to help their friend. They were sure Rachel wasn't seeking any therapy. However, they were afraid of forcing Rachel to talk to a professional. That could do more harm than good. They remembered what happened when they forced the issue of abuse. Forcing Rachel to do something like that before she was ready could push her over the edge.

* * *

Ready to be alone in her room, Rachel sighed when she heard the front doorbell. She peeked out the side window. Seeing who it was, Rachel rolled her eyes. Wanting to ignore the visitor, Rachel turned from the window. Maybe if she was quiet she'd go away? That didn't work because the girl outside the door spotted her. Repeating the doorbell along with knocking and calling her name stopped Rachel. Reluctantly, she opened the front door. "What are you doing here?"

The blonde looked passed Rachel into the house. She let out a low whistle, "Wow, you've got a nice place. I don't know why you were always grumbling about things. I'd be happy if I lived in a place like this."

With her arms crossed, Rachel tried again, "What are you doing here?"

Terra pushed passed the now entirely raven-haired teen, entering the house. "Can't I stop by to catch up with an old friend?"

Rachel's dark blue eyes narrowed. "We were never friends. Now tell me what the hell are you doing here?"

"True," Terra's blue eyes flashing with disdain, "we weren't friends but I was wondering about _my_ friends. You know, they were mine before you came along. You didn't push them away, did you?"

The fact that Terra hinted at that surprised Rachel. Terra wasn't around when Rachel pushed their friends away. Even though she was startled, she hid it from Terra. "What do you care what I do? If I did distance myself from them, wouldn't that make you happy? Didn't you just say they were your friends first?"

"You're right; I don't really care about you. I hope the others are doing alright but I'm really wondering about Gar. We were getting pretty close and I was just wondering how he's doing." Rachel didn't like or trust Terra but she could sense the blonde's sincerity. Rachel wasn't sure about how much she should share. Terra voiced Rachel's thoughts, "I know we don't like or trust one another but please, Rachel, I just wanna know he wasn't upset."

"Really? You don't want to hear he just fell apart knowing you left?"

Terra's eyes were full of concern. "Gar was really that upset about me leaving?"

"No," said Rachel even though she didn't know. She'd pushed her friends away just after Terra left. "He was quiet, kept to himself for a few days but that's all." Again, Rachel didn't really know that, she was just assuming.

"Oh, well, does he …talk about me much?"

Rachel suppressed the overwhelming urge to roll her eyes. "No."

"Oh…" Terra leaned back against a table. She didn't want Gar upset but it hurt hearing that he didn't seem to notice her absents anymore.

"Where did you go anyway?"

Terra shrugged. "I just needed some time to figure things out."

Rachel heard the rumors that Terra ran off with an older man. She didn't know if that was true but she inwardly shuddered at that thought. "Ok, well, you got what you wanted, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I did." Rachel held open the door. "Um, thanks, I guess."

"Sure. Bye." Rachel closed the door before Terra could say any more.

Outside, Terra sighed. " _Bye_." She rolled her eyes. "I can't stand her."

Inside, Rachel said, "I can't stand her."

Rachel was fidgety after seeing Terra. She didn't know what she was up to or why she was here. For some reason she couldn't explain, Rachel didn't want be in her house. It was too confining. She paced around the kitchen. What should she do? Where should she go? She knew she could go to one of her friends but Rachel didn't want to do that.

She decided to go for a run even though she hated running. Maybe that would help her clear her mind? Grabbing her phone and mp3 player, Rachel went out into the warm afternoon sunshine.

Rachel ran to nowhere in particular. She just needed to get out of the house. Every time she thought she had a control of things, something came up and she was agitated again. She ran for a few blocks, until her lungs and legs were burning, begging her to stop.

* * *

Terra entered a small apartment. The man sitting at the table never put down the newspaper that he was reading. He simply said, "Well …"

The teen was nervous. She hoped she did things right. "I did it. I did what you wanted," she said looking for his approval.

"Good, where did you put it?"

"Um, well, you see, we don't really like one another and she doesn't trust me, so I couldn't go too far into her house."

He put down the paper enough to glare at the girl. "Terra, where did you put it?"

"I put it on the underside of a table in the front hall." He was quiet as he remembered the last time he was in that house. His silence worried Terra. "Did I do alright? I couldn't go further into her house without making her suspicious. Like I said, we don't like or trust each other."

"It should be all right. I should be able to hear what I want."

Terra furrowed her brow. "Why do you wanna listen to Rachel? What's your deal with her?"

"I don't have a 'deal' with the girl. I want to listen to her father." He lied, "It has to do with business."

Terra sighed, "Good, because it wouldn't be right for you to be obsessed with Rachel."

He ignored Terra's comment as he turned on his computer. Connecting to the listening devise, he heard nothing. "Are you sure you did it right? I don't hear anything."

"Yes, I did it just like you told me to. You probably don't hear anything cuz no one's there. No one else was home and I stuck around long enough to see Rachel leave the house." Terra hoped she didn't screw up. She hated when he got angry. He had a horrible temper. Although, sometimes, that temper made some things more exciting.

* * *

Rachel arrived home a few hours later. Her body was a little sore but for the most part, she felt all right. She felt better about Terra's visit. She didn't really know what Terra was up to. Maybe it was just as she said? She was wondering about Gar. All Rachel knew was she hasn't missed Terra.

She kept her music on as she went through the house. Knowing that her father's at work and Laura was somewhere else, Rachel felt like she could be herself. Feeling hungry, Rachel realized she hasn't taken care of herself for a while. Being with her friends has helped. They made sure she ate. Maybe it was because she got some exercise but that was the first time she'd really felt like eating in a long time.

Focusing on the song that was loudly playing through her earbuds, Rachel dug through the refrigerator for something to eat. She pulled out an apple and a bottle of water. As she pushed the door shut with her hip, she wondered if there was any peanut butter left. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a large figure standing in the kitchen. She screamed and dropped her snack and mp3 player.

Rachel's heart raced. She remembered her fingers frantically trying to pry HIS hand off her mouth. "Please, go away! Don't hurt me!"

"Rachel …" said the male voice.

Struggling to stay calm but unsuccessful, she searched for a way out. "Please don't hurt me! I'll give you anything I can but please don't touch me! Don't hurt me!"

"Rachel. Rachel. It's okay. It's me, Vic. It's Victor."

Finally hearing his voice, Rachel blinked several times. "Vic-tor." Her hands flew up to her mouth and her eyes were wide with alarm. "Omigod! Vic, I'm sorry." Visibly shaking, she continued to apologize, "I am so sorry. I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean what I … I-I thought I was alone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm …"

"Rachel, it's okay. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I thought you heard me knock and come in."

Shaking her head, still stunned, her voice was slightly shaky. "Sorry, I didn't hear you." She indicated to the discarded mp3 player on the floor. Music still seeped out of the earbuds. "The music, I'm sorry, the music was too loud."

Rachel was still trembling and Vic noticed that. "Hey, you okay? I didn't just scare you, did I?" He slowly put his hand out to soothe her but she backed away. "I sent you back to that night, didn't I? Rachel, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

She wrapped her arms around herself trying to calm down. "It's okay. I'm fine."

* * *

After Terra left, he turned on the computer. There was some interference but he heard a female voice, it was Rachel. "I'm fine," she sounded irritated. He heard a sigh, then Rachel said in a calmer voice, "I'm fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay, I scared you. I didn't mean to do that," said a male voice. He sounded young, like he was Rachel's age. He wondered who it was. It didn't take him long to find out.

Rachel said, "Vic, you didn't scare me. You just startled me. I thought I was alone. What are you doing here?" He narrowed his eyes as he listened. She sounded like she was comfortable being around this guy. He must be one of her friends. He didn't like that she alone with guy at her house. He wondered if she was now promiscuous. That thought intrigued him but he didn't want her with other guys. He didn't like the idea of anybody else with her. In his mind, she belonged to him.

"I came to check on you earlier but you weren't here."

"Oh, that must've been when I was out on a run."

"You? Running? I didn't think you were into that kind of thing."

"I'm not, but Terra was here and after she left I guess I needed to burn off some nervous energy."

"Terra was here? What did SHE want?"

"She said she wanted to know how you guys were doing since she left. She seemed specifically interested in Gar."

"What'd you tell her?" He tuned out for a moment. He wasn't interested in their teenage gossip.

A few minutes later, he turned his attention back to the listening device. The voices were getting louder, they were coming closer. The subject's changed, they were talking about Rachel now.

Vic said, "We're just worried about you. Have you ever thought about talking to somebody?"

"I don't need to talk to anybody. I'm fine."

"Rachel," Vic said softly, "you've been hurt. Not just by your father but also by that bastard, he violated you. Your trust has been broken." He grinned, so she's told some of her friends what happened between them. That meant her guy friends probably looked at her as if she was damaged. They wouldn't want to be with her. "I just think it might help to talk to someone."

"Like I said, I'm fine." Rachel sounded frustrated. "I understand you guys are looking out for me and I appreciate that, I really do."

"But you don't like us hovering."

"It's not that you're hovering, I just don't want to keep bringing it up." He heard her sigh deeply before she continued. "There are times when I don't feel it, I don't think about it. It's as if it never happened, then something happens, something's said or a movement made and a memory seeps in.

"It's kind of like when you hurt your back. At first, everything hurts then gradually you're not in constant pain. You almost forget you hurt you back. But every now and then, you turn or reach for something and a sharp pain freezes you in place. That's how it is for me, only it's memories that stop me. I don't like them and I don't want them. I-I don't have them that often and I want to keep it that way. Th-that's why I-I don't want to talk to anyone."

"We're just concerned about you. We wanna make sure you're alright."

"Thanks for looking out for me but I-I'm okay." His grin broadened. Rachel said all the right things but he could hear the unsteadiness, the uncertainness in her voice. She told her friends she was okay but she was still afraid. He wondered how he could see her again.

"Before I leave, I should mention the other reason why I came over. After Kori heard about your birthday, she got an idea. She wants you to have a party."

He heard Rachel groan. "No, I don't need a party. I don't WANT a party."

"That's kinda what I thought but she and Gar got excited and they wanted to throw you a surprise birthday party."

"No! I don't want a party, especially a surprise one."

"Don't worry, Richard and I talked them out of that idea."

"Good."

"But we couldn't talk 'em out of a party."

"Vic, I can't have a party." He heard Rachel almost whine. She sounded like she was starting to panic.

"It wouldn't be here, it'd be at Richard's place. It would just be a few friends." She must've had a panicked expression because her friend quickly added, "It could just be the five of us, no one else. It wouldn't be big, like I said, just us, cake and ice cream, maybe some gifts. It's just Kori's way of showing her friendship. If you really want me to, I can tell her to stop."

"N-no, it'll be okay. As long as it's as simple as you say it'll be."

"It'll be okay. What about Saturday? We could meet up the Grand View. We could eat there first, then go to Richard's." Rachel must have nodded because her friend continued. "Don't worry. It's at Richard's place so no one will bother us. You know I'd never let anything happen to you."

"Yeah, I know, thanks. Tell Kori not to go overboard, to keep things simple. It's not that big of a deal."

"She mostly excited about the decorations. She wants to make it special for you. Knowing Kori, she's probably bought out half a party supply shop."

"Only half the store?" He heard Vic's hearty laugh before he left.

"Well, it looks like I have some planning to do if I want to see her Saturday."

* * *

Rachel checked her phone, there was still time. The others weren't late, she was early. They were going to do something for her birthday. Even though she told them she was fine with her birthday forgotten this year, Kori, Gar and Vic insisted that they do _something_. Not wanting to disappoint them and needing a distraction, Rachel agreed to something small and simple.

At the moment, Rachel sat at an out-of-the-way table in a busy restaurant. Her school books were scattered on the table. She worked on her homework while she waited. With all the drama and stress of the past few months, her grades were slipping. If she was going to get into a good college, AWAY from her father, she'd need to get better grades. Rachel knew others often looked at her strange but she took every opportunity to study.

Rachel checked her phone again. Ten or fifteen minutes was enough time for her to finish this assignment. The background noise of the other patrons talking and utensils clanking wasn't distracting. The sounds were more likely white noise to the studying teen.

As she feverishly wrote in her notebook, a cup of hot steaming liquid was set beside her. "I'm sorry," said Rachel without looking up, "I haven't ordered anything yet. I'm waiting for my friends."

A deep voice said, "Thought you might want to try coffee again, this time with sugar and cream."

The dark-haired teen froze. She knew that voice. Her skin began to prickle. _He_ wasn't there. _He_ couldn't be there. She raised her eyes without moving any other muscle. Please let her be wrong. Please let her be wrong.

An audible gasp escaped from the teen's lips. No. _He_ couldn't be standing there in front of her.

"Hello, Rachel." Her face blanched when she realized he had her cornered. Go away! HE pulled a seat out, causing Rachel to shrink away from him. HE took a seat across from the terrified girl. Why was he sitting down? She didn't want to talk to HIM. She didn't want to be anywhere near HIM.

"I haven't seen you in a while. Hope you are well. Are you adjusting to things?"

"Things?" Rachel's voice was small and thin. What did he mean by things? What he did to her wasn't just something. It was horrifying, violent and repulsive.

"What I mean is, are you adjusting to having a stepmother?"

"Go away or I'll scream," she whispered. Rachel didn't want to whisper. She'd wanted to sound brave and strong but she couldn't find her voice. She was too terrified.

His low laugh could barely be heard. How she hated him. "You'll do no such thing. You don't want to cause a scene. My dear girl, haven't you learned, there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Go away! Go away! Go away!

Rachel's breathing was now shallow. Her eyes wide with fear, scanned the restaurant. Why didn't anyone notice her fear? The fear completely consumed her. Somebody had to sense it. As she scanned the restaurant, Rachel refused to look at HIM. She did not want to see him.

Why had she picked the back corner of the restaurant? Originally, she'd thought she wouldn't be bothered as much. But at the moment, Rachel wanted someone, anyone to come up to the table. With her back to the wall, Rachel felt trapped.

He noticed how frantic she was, that she seemed to be searching for a way out. "Claustrophobic are you? I didn't think you were the type. With how much you stay in your room I would have pegged you as agoraphobic." Ignoring her fear, he continued, "It's probably good that you have Laura in your life. Trigon mentioned something about you going through something."

What! Blue eyes shot to him. Her father told HIM what happened to her? Did her father have any idea that he was talking about THAT to her rapist?

That's when Rachel noticed he wore an eyepatch. She remembered scratching his face but had she hurt him that bad? It wasn't bad enough because he still hurt her.

Slade continued as though nothing was wrong. "Your father mentioned that but I thought we had an agreement. Our secret was supposed to be just between us."

"I-I-I didn't mean to say anything. It, it just came out."

Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away!

"Well, you might want to be more careful. You wouldn't want to accidentally blurt out any other information. As I understand it, you also told your friends about what happened."

How did he know that? Was he spying on her? Rachel's stomach churned. She didn't want him watching her. She wanted nothing to do with him. "They, um, they knew something was wrong. They wouldn't let up, so I had to tell them."

"You could've made up something but you were a good girl for not mentioning me."

"My father and friends know what happened to me but no one knows that you're the one who did it to me."

"What," a sly grin appeared, "exactly did I DO to you?"

Rachel stared at him in horror and amazement. She hated that grin. She hated everything about him. WHAT did he do to her! He knew what he did to her. He ruined her life. "You raped me," hissed Rachel.

"That's such an ugly word," he scoffed, dismissing her anguish. "As I see it, it wouldn't have happened like that if you weren't so defiant. However, I can see how you'd be confused. It was your first time and I tend to like things rough." He reached out to her.

Rachel pulled away from him. What happened that night wasn't her fault. "Don't blame me. You did it. And it wasn't just bad sex. It was rape. You raped me. I tried to scream no but you wouldn't let me. I tried to fight you off. I …" She stopped. She remembered his words from moments ago: THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME. That realization shocked her. "You, you were …you were going to do it anyway. It didn't matter where or when." Rachel visibly trembled, afraid of what he'd do now. Obviously, he wasn't afraid of a crowded restaurant. What if he made her leave with him? She knew he could easily overpower her.

"I'll acknowledge," that grin never left his face as he studied the panic-stricken teen sitting across from him. "I wondered what it'd be like to be with you. I watched you grow to become such an appealing young woman. I used to dream about what your soft skin would feel like." Rachel shuddered. He was sick, disgusting, a grown man interested in a teenaged girl. "Now, I don't have to wonder. Admit it, you dream about our night together. You can't stop thinking about it. You can't hide it. Your face is flushed." His grin broadened. "You're thinking about it right now, aren't you?"

Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to fall. She hated thinking about that night. She wished she'd never remembered. She hated the memories that attached her. "Just leave me alone."

"Wasn't it fortunate that your father hired me to scare you? If he hadn't, we wouldn't have our special little secret."

Rachel glared at him with fear and contempt. He was lying. Trigon might have hated his daughter but Rachel didn't think he'd put her in that kind of danger.

As if reading her mind, he explained, "You don't think he'd do something like that? You know how your father is. Men like your father, or me for that matter, want, need control. You defied him at every turn. Somehow, you got the authorities involved and he had to regain control. That's why he hired me. Your father could've gotten anyone to scare you, but he knew no one could do it like me."

"You're lying. My father would never do something so monstrous."

"Wouldn't he? Think about it for a moment. He never gave a second thought about beating you. Why would this be any different?"

"Go away. Leave me alone." Deep down, Rachel was afraid HE was right. After all, her father had said that he'd kill her if word of the abuse got out. He didn't directly kill her but he'd destroyed her life.

"You're really upset about this, aren't you?" He just noticed that? "Maybe you shouldn't have told anyone. I'm sure it's hard knowing that some people, especially your father, know that you gave into desires like that."

"No. I didn't give in to anything. I didn't want any of it. I hated everything, every moment." Tears spilled over her lower lashes. "Go away. Leave me alone."

He reached over to wipe away her tears. Rachel couldn't get away from him and flinched at his touch. "Leave me alone."

"I'll consider it. Even though you've told some people, you've been fairly good, so far." Slade leaned forward. Rachel leaned further back in her seat. He seemed threatening. "Don't tell anyone else or say anymore than you already have. And don't think of going to the police. I'd hate for something to happen to one of your friends."

Rachel's fear changed. She wasn't just scared for herself but now she was scared for her friends. Rachel was so terrified that her tears stopped. She was too scared to cry. "Leave them alone. No one knows about you. No one knows about how much of a monster you are."

"Relax." He said that that night, didn't he? "I'm not going near anyone unless I'm given a reason to do so."

Go away! Go away! Go away!

"Go away."

He pushed back his seat. "I can't wait until our next encounter." He walked over and stood beside her. "Next time, things will be more private." He rubbed her arm. Rachel cringed.

"No!" Reacting, she pushed against the table, spilling the now cooled coffee.

"Let me help you, hon." A waitress cleaned up the coffee. Where had she been? Why didn't she show up sooner? "School a little frustrating?" The waitress sighed as she continued to wipe up the spilled coffee. "I was never any good studying. There was always too many distractions. But I admire your focus. I wouldn't be able to work on anything in a noisy restaurant. It probably works for you because you're alone."

But Rachel wasn't alone, at least not the whole time. Still terrified, she scanned the restaurant. There was no sign of him. Other than that coffee, there was no sign that he'd been there. Otherwise, Rachel would've thought she'd imagined the whole horrible thing.

"Hey, Rachel." The teen jumped. She was so focused on what had just happened that she forgot about meeting her friends. She told herself she had to calm down. She couldn't let on that he'd been there.

"Didn't know you drank coffee. Though you liked tea."

"I-I don't drink coffee. I didn't order it."

"Then why do you have it? Are they giving away free samples?"

"No, I …" Rachel stopped. Was he watching her now? Did he have people, like that waitress, spying for him? How was he watching her? She nervously looked around. She couldn't do anything to raise any suspicions. She couldn't risk making him angry. She couldn't risk her friends' safety. "It was a mistake." She tried to smile, "They brought over the cup but I was so into studying, I didn't notice right away. Guess I forgot about it and knocked into it, spilling it. It, it was just a simple mistake. Nothing serious."

"So, did you want to stay here and eat first or did you want to go?"

"Go! Let's go!" The others gave her a questioning look. Rachel's eagerness to leave surprised them. "I'm just tired of sitting here," Rachel tried to explain, "I'm ready to go somewhere else."

As Rachel gathered her things, she nervously glanced around the restaurant. How was he spying on her?

54321

Rachel rode with Vic while the others went ahead to Richard's place.

Vic glanced over and saw how tense Rachel was. She seemed to be absentmindedly toying with her backpack. But she was thinking about her encounter with Slade. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

Rachel jumped slightly hearing his voice, "I know, I know. I don't know why I'm so anxious. It's just a simple party, right?"

Vic entered the penthouse first. Outside in the hall, Rachel was lost in her thoughts. What was she going to do? How did he find her? How did he know she'd be at that restaurant? She rarely went there. Was he watching her? Was he following her? She couldn't go home if he was watching the house. Trigon and Laura often weren't home. She couldn't believe home alone if he was watching the house. What was she going to do? Where could she go? What should she do? How safe was she if he could get to her so easily? How could she keep her friends safe? They were starting to convince her that things would be okay if she went to the police. Now she could never do that. Should she run away? Should she try to go to her mom? What should she do? What should …

"Rachel?" Vic called from inside, "We're ready."

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Rachel tried to get ready for her birthday party. Opening the door, Rachel was hit by the sight of tons of decorations. Balloons and streamers of every color were all around the room. There was also a large banner reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It looked as though they were standing inside a rainbow. Her friends were excited and smiled broadly. Kori held a cardboard tiara that said birthday girl.

"Happy birthday, Rachel!"

"Welcome to the festivity to celebrate the anniversary of your birth!" said Kori.

She wanted to be excited. She thought she would be excited. Instead, Rachel was overwhelmed by everything. Tears formed. Shaking her head, the belated birthday girl backed away from her friends. "No."

Four smiles disappeared. They never expected that to be Rachel's reaction. "Rachel?"

"I-I'm sorry. I-I can't." Rachel went out the door and pulled it shut.

The four friends looked at one another. What just happened? It wasn't exactly a surprise party. Rachel knew there was going to be a party. They knew better than to spring something like that on her. So what happened? Maybe they shouldn't have had her come in on her own?

Out in the hallway, Rachel berated herself for ruining their party. They were just trying to be nice and she ruined it. No. HE ruined it. HE ruined everything.

"Rachel?" Richard cautiously tried to get his friend's attention. He didn't want to startle her. He didn't have any luck. She still jumped at the sound of his voice. He felt bad for her. "Rachel? What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, guess I don't like parties."

"It's more than that. I can tell. You seemed excited."

"I thought I'd be excited but …" She turned away from her friend.

"But what? What's wrong? I can tell something's wrong. You were on edge even at the restaurant."

Rachel shook her head again. She couldn't tell him what was wrong.

"Let's go back inside. We don't have to have the party. Maybe you'll be more comfortable sitting down?"

Rachel shrugged and nodded. She hated disappointing her friends. She seemed to be good at that. Following Richard through the door, Rachel saw the other three looking concerned and nervous.

Kori quickly hid the cardboard tiara behind her back. "We are sorry for upsetting you. We only meant to have a celebration and festivities. Our intention was to make you happy. We are very sorry to have not succeeded."

"No, I'm sorry for messing up things. I was excited but …" Could she tell them about HIM, wondered Rachel. Richard's place was safe. HE couldn't get to her here, could he?

"Rachel?"

"I …" If she told them that she saw HIM, he wouldn't have to know. No one there would tell him. She was safe with her friends. But were her friends safe with her?

54321

Hello?

Is anyone reading this?

It seems that in order to get the much needed, much craved reviews every writer desires, I must to beg for them. Nothing I do seems to get me more than "good job" and "update soon". I suppose I should be happy with that and I am but I only seem to get few of those. Some chapters, I don't even get that. I get views but very few reviews. Do people just glance at my story, get bored and move on?

I want reviews so I can know why someone does or doesn't like this story / chapter. I might have most things planned out but I still want to know suggestions. Who knows, maybe I'll use some of those suggestions? I've done that in the past.

I don't know, maybe I've fooled myself into thinking I'm a good writer. Some have said I've improved as a writer. Maybe I have? Maybe it's this story? Maybe it's wrong? Is it too similar to the original version? Should I have done something completely different? Are you bored with this story? Is it too long? Should I just wrap up things in the next few chapters? Suddenly, everything's okay, nobody has any problems and everyone lives happily ever after. I don't think that would be a very good ending to this story. At least, not yet. But maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and close to it? I've worked for a long time writing this. When my original version was derailed, I scrambled to write this version. I've neglected my other stories so I could get back to the same place or further with this story. Was it all away waste of time and energy?

I know there are more important things than my silly story. I understand that everyone's busy. I just wish some or most of my chapters would get some real feedback. I don't need every one to be a thousand word review, just something with some substance: "I liked / didn't like _ because …" or "I wish _ would've / didn't happened …" or "I can't believe that …"

*sigh* Sorry for another rant. I can't promise it won't happen again but I'll try not to rant anymore. I will continue to write. Maybe this story is just meant for me? Sometimes, writing is an outlet for my emotions. Sometimes, I get excited writing it. Maybe that should be enough? Anyway, I'll probably finish Musical Expressions Reflected but I might not update right away. Gradually, I will update. Someday, if you're still interested, you'll have some questions answered and learn the satisfying ending.

I'll update when it feels right. Thanks for reading.

-Drea Leigh


	37. Chapter 37: Lost

**Thanks for the feedback. I truly do appreciate it.**

 **ZGK1007 – Thanks. I understand how awkward it can be to review. Sometimes, writing can be awkward, but I do it. No one know has read any of my stories. I'm too embarrassed to show anyone I know what I've written. See, I'm also very introverted. I kind of use writing as a kind of therapy. I know I shouldn't keep things bottled up so I write. Sometimes what comes out of my mind, scares me. Anyway, I hope I haven't scared you away from any future reviews.**

 **Your review was great. Hope to hear from you again. And it doesn't have to be a long review. I simply want some feedback. Oh, and I'm glad you enjoy my story.**

 **Guest – Thanks. I've had other comments about the dialogue. I've wondered if Kori's way of speaking is what makes it a little weird. Or is it because I'm not good at talking with people (I'm painfully shy) and I just go with what's in my head. Anyway, I'm glad you like my story.**

 **Kaori022 – Thanks. I started this story, well Songs About Me, because I searched for a more realistic story about these tough subjects but I couldn't find anything in liked. Too often, some of those stories would turn silly. I mean really, girl is abused by boyfriend/parent/other and she's like, giggle, okay, no big deal, so somebody hit/hurt me, giggle, giggle. Uh, no, that doesn't work for me. I don't know how many times I've been disappointed when something like that happened. I couldn't find the kind of story I wanted to read, so I wrote it myself.**

 **Don't worry. _I will finish this story!_ With the original version, I had less than five chapters to go when it was derailed. It was heartbreaking to stop that one but sometimes, I kind of think this one is better. At least, I hope it is. I'm glad you enjoy it so much.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 37: Lost**

* * *

 **"She's lost …/ …haunting my …/ …mind" – Lost, Within Temptation**

* * *

Rachel took a deep breath. "I …" she sighed, "I saw him."

"Who?"

" _Him_. You know, the guy who …" Rachel was clearly agitated.

Her friends understood what she was saying. She saw her rapist. No wonder she was so agitated. They all started talking at the same time. "When?" "Where?" "Who was it?" "How awful."

Richard held up his hand. One at a time. He could see how overwhelmed Rachel was. "Did he hurt you?"

Rachel shook her head, "No, but …he was just …there. Just seeing him …" Tears welled up in her eyes. Kori carefully guided her friend to sit on the sofa.

"I am so sorry. That must have been awful. I could not imagine coming face to face with someone so diabolical and malicious."

The terrified teen tried to explain. "I was so focused on studying that I didn't see him until he was in front of me. I should've been more aware of my surroundings. I know better than to let that happen. Especially, out in public, where anyone can be anywhere."

Was she blaming herself again? Vic asked when it happened at the same time Gar asked where it happened.

Rachel ran a hand through her hair. How much should she tell them? Was she putting them in danger? He couldn't get to her here. She was safe here, right? "Um, it was at the restaurant. He left right before you guys showed up."

"You mean, he was there, in public? Why didn't anyone stop him from bothering you?"

"I didn't say anything. I, I was too afraid. I never thought I'd see him again. I'm sorry, I froze."

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry you were so scared. But he didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No." Rachel shivered.

"But he threatened you, didn't he?" Rachel stared at her hands and nodded. She felt like such a coward, such a fool. She shouldn't let seeing him get to her so much.

"He warned me not to tell anyone."

"But you already did," said Gar, "and nothing bad happened."

"Did anyone see someone who looked suspicious?" asked Richard. Rachel knew they were trying to help but she wished they'd drop everything. Why couldn't they just forget it, that way she could. Although, she knew she couldn't forget her recent encounter with him.

The other guys shook their heads. Kori said, "I saw a guy. He stood outside, by the door. He was quite handsome but I did not like the way watched the people coming and going from the restaurant." Did Kori see _him_? Was it him? If it was, did he see her? Was he now following her too? Please let her friends be safe.

"What did he look like?"

"As I said, he was quite handsome. He was older, his hair was white. He wore an eyepatch. But that was not what bothered me about him. He just seemed mean. He seemed like the kind of guy you see on the news and he swindled someone out of their life's savings."

Richard thought that description sounded familiar. "That could've been Slade Wilson. Bruce has had the unfortunate pleasure of working with him. As far as I know, that guy is someone you shouldn't mess with. He's big into corporate raiding." Richard was suddenly concerned for his girlfriend. Of course, Richard had no idea why he should be concerned. He didn't know what Slade was capable of doing. "Kori, he didn't do or say anything to you to make you feel uncomfortable, did he?"

"No, no, he barely looked at me. I simply didn't like the bad vibrations I got from him."

"Stay away from him!" warned Rachel.

"Why?" How did Rachel know about Slade Wilson. Why did she have such a strong reaction?

Rachel couldn't tell them the real reason why. What could she tell them? "He's …" Looking up, Rachel noticed the party decorations. Her face crumpled and tears followed. "Oh God, the party, I ruined the party. I'm sorry."

Kori knelt down in front of her tormented friend. "You did not ruin the party."

Rachel self-consciously rubbed the tears away with the heels of her hands. "B-but I-I …g-got s-so upset over n-nothing."

"You did not ruin the party," repeated Kori. "And seeing that wicked man was not nothing. You have every right to be scared and upset."

"But you all put so much into this party. You were trying to cheer me up but I screwed up again."

"The party doesn't matter, so don't worry about it," said Vic, "We're worried about you."

Rachel shook her head. "You shouldn't be. I-I keep making s- _stupid_ mistakes."

Kori took Rachel's hands, forcing her friend to look st her. "What happened to you was not your fault. Please do not blame yourself. I have done some research and it is awful that society tends to blame the victim in this horrendous, evil crime. Please stop blaming yourself."

"I know what you say is true but sometimes it's so hard. It's hard to keep the self-doubt out of my mind."

Rachel couldn't sit still anymore. She got up. She paced around the room. This skyscraper suddenly felt as though it was too small for her. She didn't know where to go or what to do. Her friends watched, feeling helpless as she paced like a caged animal.

"You wanna go home?"

"No, I can't, I can't go there. My father and Laura are away and I can't be in that empty house. Even though I'm sure he hates me, I don't think he'd let anybody hurt me." Rachel sighed, "Normally, I don't mind being alone. I actually like being alone but right now I don't feel safe being by myself."

"Do you wish to stay at my house?" offered Kori.

"I've already spent too much time there. Your uncle's going to get suspicious. He'll want to know why I'm always there."

Richard suggested, "Maybe you should consider telling an adult what happened."

"I-I don't think I could do that. I know everyone will treat me different."

"Some people might but …"

"You guys do." Rachel quickly added. "I know you don't mean to and you probably don't even know you're doing it. Sometimes, you treat me as if I'm made of glass. It's as if you're waiting, afraid but waiting for me to break apart. Don't worry. I don't blame you. I feel the same way. I often feel like I'm barely holding it together."

Gar frowned, he hated that they've made her so upset when they were supposed to be helping her. "Rachel, we're sorry. We didn't mean to make you feel that way. We're just trying to look out for you."

"I know and I'm sorry. I shouldn't be complaining. I mean, I'm not the only one who's gone through something like this. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know everyone's going to look and treat me different because I am different. I'm not the girl I was before. That girl's gone. It's just that this is all so frustrating. I start to think I'm getting better, then something like today happens and everything drags me down again."

"Where are you gonna go if you can't go home?" wondered Gar.

"I'd let you stay here but I'm afraid Bruce would ask too many questions. He was that way that night you fell asleep here. He'd want to know why you'd need a place to stay. He's very perceptive and I'm sure he'd see through any story we'd tell him. Sorry." Richard added, "And, I don't know if you'd feel comfortable staying with three guys."

Vic sighed, "I'm afraid my dad would be the same way, asking questions. I'm sorry."

Rachel turned from her friends so they couldn't see her disappointment. "It's not a problem. Don't worry, no big deal."

"Would you want me to stay with you?"

"That's a good idea. Kori could stay with you tonight."

"No!" Rachel said not hiding the panic in her voice. "She can't stay there! I can't let her do that. I-I can't risk it."

"Rachel, you're not making any sense. Why can't Kori sleep over at your house?"

"Seeing HIM sent me back to that awful night. I-I remembered things I never wanted to remember."

"What did you remember?" asked Richard, trying to coax Rachel into opening up some. Not that he wanted to know the details of the attack but he thought it might help her if didn't keep it bottled up. She shook her head. "Please, Rachel, you can tell us. Maybe it'll help."

Wearily, Rachel sighed. What she told them was true but the sequence of events was wrong. She didn't let on that she learned this piece of information earlier that day. "H-he said if I-I told anyone, he'd, he'd come after my friends."

Vic reminded her, "You told us and nobody's coming after us. The bastard was just trying to scare you. We're okay, we're safe."

"But if Kori stays the night, she might not be. I can't risk that."

Richard's eyes narrowed. He didn't want either his friend or girlfriend in danger. "Why wouldn't Kori be safe at your house?"

"Because it, it happened there. He attacked me in …in my house. One night …he was …he was just …there and I ...I-I couldn't … I couldn't stop him." The friends were appalled by what Rachel just said. They were all dumbstruck. Acknowledging that information set off a new wave of tears for the distraught teen. "That's why Kori can't stay there. It happened in that house and I don't feel safe there."

* * *

Out of ideas and options, Rachel reluctantly went home. The others offered her a ride but she wanted to delay getting home, so she walked. Not wanting her to be alone, Gar walked with her. They were quite most of the time. Both were trying to think of what to do.

Just a few blocks from Rachel's house, Gar startled Rachel by blurting out, "Hey, I have an idea. Maybe you could stay at my house?"

Rachel stopped walking and looked at him as if he was crazy. "What?"

Liking his idea, he continued, "Yeah, you could stay a night or two at my house. My parents probably wouldn't let you longer than that but it'd give you some time to think."

"You really think I could do that? And you don't think they'll ask questions?"

"They'll ask questions but we can tell them, uh, that …you, um …you had a fight with your dad. That you just need some time so things can cool down."

"Are you sure?"

Gar suggested his only other idea, "You could try asking Jinni if you could stay with her."

Rachel shook her head. "No, that won't work. She won't talk to me. She still mad at me for pushing her away when I pushed you guys away."

"Sooo, it looks like you're coming home with me."

"You really think your parents will be okay with it?"

"My parents are used to strays following me home or me bringing home wounded animals."

"Gee thanks."

"I didn't mean it that way. One summer a few years ago, I found a bird with a broken wing. I fixed it up and it was soon good as new. When I set it free, it flew back a couple times. It's almost like it was thanking me."

"How did you know what to do?"

"I dunno. I just have this connection to animals. It's kinda the same with girls. They're just drawn to me. It must be my animal magnetism."

"Keep dreaming."

The rest of the way to Gar's house, they were quiet. Once there, Rachel nervously followed Gar into his house. She hoped this worked out. She hoped she was doing the right thing.

Gar called out, "Mom, Dad, I'm home."

A female voice called back, "We're in the kitchen, honey."

Before they entered the kitchen, Gar gave Rachel an encouraging smile. "Hi, Mom, Dad, I brought a friend home with me and I was kinda hoping she could stay here a night or two."

Gar's parents, Mark and Marie Logan, looked up from their tasks and saw a teenaged girl standing next to their son. She looked miserable. Noticing her bloodshot eyes and smudged eyeliner, their curiosity and concerns were peaked. Gar continued, "This is Rachel and she got in a HUGE fight with her dad. Like I said, I was kinda hoping she could stay while things cooled off."

"Rachel, is it?" She nodded. "Rachel, honey, what happened?"

Rachel shifted anxiously from one foot to the other. "Uh, it's like Gar said, I had a fight with my dad."

"Did he hurt you? Was he abusive?"

"No." It'd been a while since Trigon had laid a hand on his daughter. "But I share my dad's temper and things were said that shouldn't have been. Sometimes things said in anger hurt the most."

"Couldn't she stay ay Kori's?" suggested Mark.

"Kori's going outta town," lied Gar.

"What about staying with one of your other girl friends?"

Rachel looked down at her hands. "Um, I'm not that good at making friends."

Gar's parents understood what she was saying, she didn't have any other friends to turn to. "You don't have anyone else you could stay with?"

Trying not to show her disappointment while feeling rejected again, Rachel said, "It's okay. I understand you can't let me stay. You probably didn't expect your son to bring home someone like me. It was just an idea. I'm sorry to bother you. I should probably just go home. It's okay. I'll be fine." She turned to leave.

"Mom, dad, you can't let her leave. She needs our help."

"Wait a minute." Rachel stopped and slowly turned back to them. She wondered if they saw through their story. Did they know they were lying? That she didn't have a fight with her father? Gar's parents eyed one another. This girl, in oversized clothes, looked so tired that she could sleep standing up. The teens anxiously watched the adults as they communicated through exchanged glances.

A loud growling stomach broke the silence. Red-faced, Rachel quickly wrapped her arms around her stomach. "Sorry. I should go."

"Sweetie, when was the last time you ate?" Rachel's baggy clothes accentuated her gauntness.

"Earlier today but I'm okay." To prove it she smiled. "I'll get something later, when I get home."

"Oh yeah, that's right. You never got any of your cake." Gar remembered things falling apart before the party started.

"Her cake? What are you talking about?"

"Well, we threw Rachel a birthday party …"

"…a belated birthday party," Rachel corrected him.

"That's right, a belated birthday party. She was supposed to come over to Richard's and we'd give her a party. But when she came over she'd already had a fight with her dad. She was upset and the party never happened. So she never got any of her cake.

"Then she goes home and gets in another fight with her dad. I was on my way home when she called me. She was crying. I mean, she was really sobbing. I had trouble understanding her she was crying so hard." Rachel eyed him. He didn't have to make her sound so pathetic. "I finally got what she's saying. She told me how her father was yelling at her about things she had no control over. Like things about work. And to top things off, she doesn't get along with her new stepmother."

Feeling bad for the girl, Marie pulled out a chair. "Here, why don't you sit and I'll get you something. We can figure out what to do after you've had a bite to eat."

As Rachel finished the bowl of vegetarian chili, Mark said, "If you're going to stay here, you need to call to your dad."

"But dad, he …"

"It's common courtesy, Gar. We'd want to know where you were and that you're safe, even if we were arguing."

"Well, uh, he's not home. That's kind of the problem. Lately he's traveling a lot for his job. He says he has to do this job because of me. He thinks that I want too much, that I'm too …expensive, too greedy."

Something about that didn't seem right. To Gar's parents, Rachel's appearance made her look as if she was steps away from being living on the streets, not an overindulged child. Instead of mentioning that, Mark asked "When will he be back?"

"I think he's gone all weekend." Rachel wasn't sure if he's home or not. She never went home. She's decided a while ago, the less she was there, the better.

"Okay, you can stay tonight…"

"Thanks dad, thanks mom. You guys are awesome!"

"…but you need to call your father and tell him where you are." She nodded. "Do you need to use our phone?"

Rachel shook her head and pulled out her phone. "Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Logan."

"Come on, I'll show you the guest room. You can call your dad there."

Marie left Rachel nervously fingering her phone. Rachel didn't know whether to call home or call her father's cell phone. Reasoning that wherever he was, he'd have his phone, she called his cell. Going straight to voicemail, Rachel left a quick message that she was staying at a friend's house. She didn't give any specific information. Remembering Trigon's reaction to finding her at Vic's house, she didn't want to risk putting Gar and his family in danger.

While Rachel's making her call, Gar' parents were questioning him about Rachel. "Are you sure this girl isn't trouble?"

"What do you mean 'trouble'?"

"Well, we've never heard you mention her before."

"Uh, I'm pretty sure I have but in the fall, she became part of our group. A few months ago, there was a misunderstanding and she drifted away. Recently she came back to our group."

"Something about her seems like trouble. She not into drugs is she?"

"Mom!"

"Well, she so thin, too thin. I've heard some drugs can do that."

Gar rolled his eyes. "No. Rachel's not into drugs. None of my friends are."

"Good but if she's not doing drugs, does she have an eating disorder?"

"Mom! Dad can't you stop her?"

"Well, as your mom said, your friend's very skinny."

Gar rolled his eyes again. "No, she doesn't have an eating disorder. Rachel's not anorexic. You saw how she ate the soup. I don't think you can eat like that if you're anorexic. It's, like, against the rules or something." He sighed. He didn't want to get into this but he was afraid if he didn't tell them something, they'd change their mind and turn Rachel way. "Maybe the 'trouble' you sense is her past. She lost her mom a few years ago and she was bullied in school. None of that is her fault. And then she's having trouble at home with her dad and new stepmother. I'm just trying to be her friend and look out for her."

Mark said, "Okay, sorry. It's good that you're looking out for your friend. So, speaking of friends we haven't heard about. What about Terra? We haven't heard about her in a while. What's she been up to? She's such a nice girl. She's so friendly and no trouble. We never had to worry about her."

"I don't know, dad." Gar folded his arms across his chest. He was irritated by what he was implying. His dad made it sound like Terra was better than Rachel was. Just because Terra always acted perfect around them, they saw her that way. Gar knew that wasn't the case.

"You were so cute together. I always thought you two would make a cute couple."

Gar glared at his mom. "Terra's moved on. I dunno anything about her. I don't wanna talk about her."

"So, are you dating Rachel?"

"What? No, like I said, we're just friends."

His mom said, "That's good."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't mean anything by it."

"When I said I wasn't dating Rae, you seemed glad about that. I can't believe it. You're judging her, aren't you? Didn't think you'd be like that. I thought you'd be fair, not so judgmental. I told her you guys would be reasonable but I guess I was wrong."

"Garfield, don't talk to your mom like that. Take it easy."

"Then what's with the interrogation?"

"We're not judging your friend. We're just concerned about you."

"He's right, honey, we don't want you getting mixed up with the wrong crowd."

"The wrong crowd? I thought you said you weren't judging her. It sounds like you are. You've already decided you don't like her."

"No, that's not true. However, we each knew girls in high school who were like Rachel. They were troubled girls and we just want you to be careful."

"What type of girl is Rachel? Does her dyed hair and black nail polish mean she's dangerous and shouldn't be trusted?

"That's not what we're saying. I'm sure Rachel is nice but sometimes nice girls can get into trouble." Gar glared at his parents in disbelief. They've never acted like that.

* * *

After phoning Trigon, Rachel went to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face. It helped her feel a little better. She was about to enter the kitchen when she heard Terra's name. She stopped. She heard what his parents were insinuating. She also heard Gar's frustration. To resist the urge to lash out at them she went back to the guest room. It wouldn't do her any good to yell at them. They've been kind enough to give her a place to sleep. Rachel knew she had to stay calm. She didn't want to cause Gar any trouble especially since he was helping her. She gave them a few moments before going back to the kitchen. Outside the kitchen, Rachel didn't hear anything but she cleared her throat, letting them know she was there.

"Oh hey Rachel, did you get a hold of your dad?"

"It went straight to voicemail so I just left a message. Is that okay?"

"That's fine. Why don't you sit and join us. So, what do you like to do?"

"I read a lot."

"Rachel's an artist," added Gar.

"I'm not an artist. I just doodle sometimes." Rachel felt her face getting red. She didn't like talking about herself.

"Well, that's nice."

"Do you get good grades?"

"Sometimes, I'm trying to work on that."

"Gar needs to focus on his grades."

"Da-ad!"

"Well, it's true."

There was a lull in the conversation. "Umm," Rachel tried to think of something to say. She hated small talk but felt as though Gar's parents needed to see that she could be sociable. "It's nice that it's warming up."

"Yeah, we're ready for spring."

Awkwardly, everyone sat in silence.

"Hey Rachel," said Gar, breaking the silence. "Wanna see the sweet new video game I got?"

"I don't play video games."

"Aww, c'mon, you don't hav'ta play, just see it. But just so you know, Kori's played before."

"Kori has more energy than she knows what to do with." Rachel smiled. "Fine, I'll come and see your game but don't expect me to play it."

Marie called after the teens, "Leave the door open."

Gar grumbled back, "Yes, mom." To Rachel he said, "It's not like I haven't had a girl in my room before. It was Kori and the others were there but still, Kori's a girl."

After a while, his parents heard Gar helping Rachel play the game. "No, no, push the other one, the other button! You're going the wrong way!"

They heard Rachel's light laughter, "I told you I'm not good at this! It's a good thing I'm not behind the wheel of a real car." The adults smiled as the teens continued to laugh. Maybe they were reading too much into Rachel's situation?

After trying to teach Rachel a few games, they concluded that she was terrible at video games. Bored with the video games, Rachel looked around his room. This was the second guy's room she'd been in. The last time it was Richard's room and she was too preoccupied to be nervous about that. Now, she was a little nervous. She knew Gar wouldn't try to do anything to her. It just felt strange being in a guy's room.

Rachel glanced over at Gar who looked a little uneasy as she studied his room. "I'm sorry. Am I making you nervous looking around your room? We could go somewhere else and do something."

"Nah, I'm okay. Wanna try another game?"

"Seriously? You saw me. I'm horrible at them. So, no, no more video games for me." A box caught her eye. She peered in, then looked at Gar. She raised an eyebrow, "Is that…?"

He laughed sheepishly, "Oh, you found my collection."

"You have a collection of peanut butter jars?"

'"Yeah, well, um, it started as a school project a few years ago. I needed a few jars," he explained, "After I was done with that I wanted to see how many I could collect in a year. This is my 'graveyard of peanut butter'."

"O-kay, guess everyone needs a hobby."

"C'mon, everyone collect something strange?"

"I don't."

"Sure you do, everyone does." He paused to think of an idea. He suggested, "Like, maybe you collect ketchup packets from different states or maybe you keep souvenirs from your dates."

"No." she said flatly, sorry she brought the subject up.

"Sorry, I didn't mean …"

"It's okay, I understand." She saw something else and hoped to move on to something new. She went over to the guitar. "I didn't know you played." She strummed it a few times, enjoying to soft tones.

"Yeah, sometimes. My grandpa taught me. It was his guitar. Want me to teach you how to play?"

Rachel looked curious and uncertain at the same time. "I …probably wouldn't be any good."

"Sure you would. It'd just take some practice."

"Are you sure?" Gar nodded. "Um, okay, as long as you don't mind."

"No problem. Bring it over here." Rachel handed Gar his guitar. She sat next to him on his bed after pulling her hair back into a low ponytail. He handed her the guitar. He instructed her how to hold it.

Gar glanced over to her. "You know, you should wear your hair up more. It's pretty, pulled back. It shows off your face."

Rachel started to take down her hair. "I'm not pretty. You're just surprised to see me with my hair up."

"Rachel, you ARE pretty. Don't you see it?"

She shook her head. "How could I be pretty if my father hurt me? And then …well …I'm, I'm just not pretty." She let her hair fall into her face.

"There's never been a time when you felt pretty?"

"The first and only time I really felt even a little pretty was the night of the dance. It was almost like a fairytale. You guys wanted _me_ to be your friend. Thank you. You made me feel normal, not some messed up freak."

After a few moments of awkward silence, Gar cleared his throat, "Um, Rae …I mean Rachel?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, can I ask you something?"

She sighed. She was sure it was about her feeling like freak. "Sure, fine, go ahead."

Gar softly asked, "Do you um, often think about uh, it …eh, what happened?"

Rachel froze. The world around her began to fade as she lost focus. Several minutes passed and Gar was afraid that she was shutting him out again.

When Rachel did speak, it was barely above a whisper. "I don't iwant to think about it. I _try_ not to think about it. But it's like …quicksand. The more I struggle to get away from it, the more I'm pulled in. I try to make myself busy so I don't have time to think. Sometimes, that works, for a while. But everything comes flooding back at night, when I'm asleep. I hate the nightmares."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Here, let me show you how to play." He helped her position her hands on the guitar. After he showed her how to play a few chords, he played a song for her. Rachel smiled as she listened. She's always liked the sound of acoustic guitars. Maybe some day, in the far future, she'd play and sing. Maybe she could still become a singer like she wanted to when she was younger?

Rachel didn't realize that she was making plans for the future. And by making those plans, she was increasing her chance of surviving

Gar handed her the guitar again. She strummed the strings, enjoying the sound and the vibrations under her fingers. She felt alive.

"Gar, Rachel," called out Marie, "time for bed.

Rachel handed him back the guitar and thanked him for the lesson. Before she got to the door Gar said, "Um, good night, Rachel, sweet dreams."

"Thanks again for letting me stay here. 'Night."

"No problem. Call me if you need anything. Good night."

In the morning, Rachel joined Gar and his parents for breakfast. "So how'd you sleep?" asked Gar. "Did you have a good night?"

"Yeah," smiled Rachel, "I did, thank you. I'm a little surprised because I usually have trouble sleeping in a new bed."

"I'm glad, you look well rested," said Marie. "My mom says, 'a good nights sleep help things look better.'"

"Mo-om!"

"I didn't mean it that way. Although a good nigh sleep helps a person look and feel better. What I meant was sometimes problems don't seem as big in the morning. You've heard your grandma say that many times."

"Oh, yeah, sorry."

While eating, Rachel just sat and watched as Gar and his parents talk. Like with her other friends, she was envious of this family's close relationship. Even though she felt physically better, she knew her problems hadn't gotten smaller. She still had to worry about her father and going home. Her biggest worry was if her rapist was now stalking her.

She felt safe at Gar's home. She wished she could stay here but that was impossible. His parents have already said she could only stay one night. Rachel was trying to figure out what to do when Gar asked her a question.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"I was wondering what you wanted to do today." Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Wanna hang out with the others? We could go to a movie. Or since I got you started playing video games, we could go to the arcade."

Rachel raised an eyebrow at this suggestion. "Ah, no. I'M not going anywhere near that noisy place. Hanging out with the others, that'd be cool. First, I'd like to change out of these clothes. I'm getting kind of sick of them."

"Sure, we can go over to your place soon. Let me take a quick shower, and then we can go." While Gar was in the shower, Rachel looked around the living room. She studied the family photos. She smiled, in most of them, no matter what Gar's age, he had an animal with him.

* * *

Gar and Rachel walked to her house. They chatted about movies, TV shows and music. A few blocks from her house, Rachel got quieter. Instead of having lively conversations about concerts they've seen, as she was moments ago, she gave one or two word comments.

Gar noticed the change in her body language. She was tense and her shoulders were squared off. Glancing sown at her hands, he saw that they were clenched. Irritated that he noticed that, she jabbed her hands into her jean pockets. "Hey, Rae-chel, you okay?"

"Yeah." She had her lips pressed together in a thin line. Instead of looking at Gar, she just looked down at the sidewalk.

"You don't wanna go home, do you?"

"How could you tell? Sorry, I just …" she sighed.

"Don't worry about it. Hey, want me to call the others to meet us there?"

"Sure, I don't care."

"Think your dad'll be there?"

Rachel shrugged, "Don't know. Probably not."

Gar decided to give things a rest for a while. They walked in silence to Rachel's house. Once there, they saw both Trigon's a and Laura's cars were gone. To wait for their friends, they sat on the front steps.

"Is he really out-of-town that much? Kori said sometimes when he is, you stay with her."

She shrugged again, "Yeah, I guess."

"What about your stepmom? How do you get along with her?"

Another shut. "She's okay, I guess. She's either away with my dad or off on her own. I don't know where."

Trying to understand, Gar wondered, "Was your dad always like that? I mean you hardly talked about him. And when you did, you just mentioned he was working. Was he out-of-town a lot back then?"

Rachel sighed deeply. She didn't want to talk about her father but Gar was sincerely trying to understand her. She tried to figure out what to say. "Um, well, he's always been a workaholic."

"So he travels a lot. Is that why you're used to being along?"

"He was never out-of-town when I was little. The traveling didn't start happening until recently. Rachel rolled her eyes. "After the 'accusations' of abuse, he was hanging around, not at work all the time. He was actually asking about me. I knew it was all fake. I knew he just wanted things to look good for the police and social workers."

"Don't they think it's suspicious that he's gone so much?"

Rachel's brow wrinkled. "No, he said they'd forget about me. He was right. Nobody comes around anymore. Guess my case got lost or something. I didn't gain anything from the truth coming out."

"He stopped hurting you, so that's good."

Rachel simply answered with a sad yeah. Gar looked over to her strangely. What was with her reaction? Shouldn't she be relieved that her father's leaving her alone, not hurting her? He didn't get a chance to ask her about it because Malcolm came out of his house. Malcolm said, "Hey kid, how you doing? Is this your boyfriend?"

Rachel glared at him. "We're just friends and I _don't_ date."

"Sure, okay, well, see you around." Malcolm got on his bike and roared down the driveway.

Gar still didn't get a chance to mention Rachel's reaction. Vic's car pulled up, Kori and Richard were with him.

Rachel stood, "Sorry you guys had to come over."

"Don't worry about it Rae."

Rachel let everyone in. Richard and Gar were the only ones who haven't been here before. She caught Gar looking around in amazement. She didn't know what he was expecting but something told her, he was imagining a haunted house. She said, "Looks pretty normal doesn't it, not like a house of horrors?"

Gar stammered, "Oh, um, I didn't mean …"

She interrupted him, "It's okay, I know you didn't know what to expect especially since I don't talk about it much. Um, you're all welcome to eat anything here, if there is anything. I'm just gonna go take a quick shower and change."

When they heard the water come on for the shower, the others checked out the kitchen.

When they heard the water come on for the shower, the others checked out the kitchen. There wasn't much there. They didn't know that Rachel kept a lot of nonperishable food in her room, in her closet. But they thought it almost looked like no one lived there. They wondered how often Trigon and his new wife came home. Has he abandoned his daughter? Without a job, Rachel couldn't live like this for long. They left the nearly empty kitchen to explore the rest of the main floor. Everything _looked_ normal. No one would ever suspect any sort of abuse happening here.

Tripping on a rug, Gar bumped into the table in the front hall. "Hey, watch it Gar," warned Vic, "That's probably an antique." Everything they've seen looked very expensive or like an antique.

"Sorry, dude, it was an accident. I tripped." He knelt down to look at the little button-like thing. "Hey, what's this?" The others came over to see what he found.

"What is it?"

"I dunno. I think it fell off the table when I bumped into it."

"Was it on the table?"

"I don't think so. All I saw was that tray of mail. What do you think it is?"

Vic picked it up. "It's sticky on one side." He kept studying it. He thought looked familiar.

"Like it was stuck to something?" Richard's checking out the bottom of the table. "There's a small sticky spot. It's about the size of that thing. Think it was stuck here?"

Gar wondered, "Why would someone stick a button-thingy on the bottom of a table?"

Thinking he knows what it was, Vic dropped it on the floor a stepped on it.

"Why did you do that? Perhaps it was there for safe keeping?"

"I don't think so Kor. You know how I'm into computers and technology?" The others nodded, wondering where he was going with this. "Well, I'm always online or reading magazines about that and there are ads for things."

"Have you seen something like this in those ads?" asked Richard.

"Yeah, I think it's a bug. That's why …"

"That's why you stepped on it," finished Richard.

"Ooo, gross, a bug. I hate bugs," said Kori, "Let me see."

"It's not an insect bug. It's a listening device bug."

Rachel came into the front hall. They were all looking down at something. "What are you doing?"

They looked up at Rachel. She looked refreshed. They didn't want to upset her but she should know what they found. Richard said, "We found something that doesn't belong here."

"What?" she was curious and concerned.

Vic picked up the destroyed gadget. "We found a bug, a listening device. Any idea how it got there?"

"Where was it?" She felt weird knowing someone could've been listening to her. How long was it there?

"It fell off this table when I bumped into it."

"Terra." Rachel remembered the blonde leaning against that table.

"Why would you say her name?"

"She was here last week."

"That's right. You mentioned that when I came over to talk about your party."

"What was she doing here?"

"She was wondering about you, Gar."

"Me?"

"You think she would've put this here? Why would she do that?"

"I don't know." Everyone was confused. Would Terra really do something like this? Rachel and Terra weren't friends so it wasn't really betrayal, was it? Rachel had a flashback. She only remembered bits of what HE whispered, " _The other girl wasn't this challenging ...she wanted it ...she struggled some at first. ...about your age ...one of your friends?_ " Rachel had forgotten any of that until now. Was there really another girl? Could Terra have been the girl he was talking about? Did he hurt her like he hurt Rachel? If he did, why would Terra help him? Was that how he knew how to find her yesterday?

"Rachel? You okay?"

She blinked several times coming back to the present. "Yeah, sure, I-I'm fine. Let's get out of here. It's just too weird that someone could've been listening for I don't know how long. Thanks for finding it and destroying it."

"No problem. Where do you wanna go?"

"I don't care as long as it's not here."

Loading into Vic's car, they decided going to the mall was their best option. Gar even talked Rachel into going to the arcade. They spent all day keeping busy, distracting Rachel. They didn't return to Rachel's until late evening.

"You sure you're gonna be alright? Sure you don't wanna stay at Kori's?

"It would not be a problem if you did."

"It's okay. I'll …" Rachel sighed then smiled, "I'll be fine. Don't worry. I'm sixteen. I should be able to stay home alone without being afraid of the bogeyman."

"If you are sure." Kori gave Rachel a gentle hug. "Call me even if you just wish to talk about nothing."

"That goes for all of us," said Richard. "Call any of us, any time."

"He's right, we'll be here in minutes, just call us," said Vic, "You know I'd do anything for my 'little sister'."

"I know, thanks. And thanks for being so understanding." She wondered why Gar was so quiet.

Vic said to Gar, "C'mon, we should go."

Gar said, "You guys go ahead. I'll call you if I need a ride. I just don't feel right leaving Rachel alone right now. I'm worried about her."

"We all are but she's stronger than she thinks."

* * *

"What are you still doing here? Why didn't you leave with the others?"

"I just thought I'd stay with you a little longer."

"So, you lost the bet and have to baby sit me. Great. What was it? You guessed how long it'd take me to freak out? Or are you here to see how long it takes for me to really lose it?"

"I'm not here to baby sit you. There was no bet. We'd never do something like that. I'm here as your friend."

"Aren't you lucky," she said sarcastically, "you get to be friends with a freak."

Gar was confused. Where was this coming from? She was fine and moments ago. "I wanna stay here and help you."

"Why? I need to get used to the new me. The me who's a bigger freak than before. I need to stop being afraid of being alone. Because that's what I am, alone and a freak."

"Rachel?"

"Call them back so they can give you a ride. I'm sure they're not too far away."

"I'm not gonna call them." He repeated, "I wanna stay here and help you."

"Fine," Rachel went to pick up the phone, "if you won't call, then I will."

"Rachel, stop." Gar held his hand over hers, stopping her from picking up the phone. "You're not a freak and you're not alone. We're your friends and we're _not_ gonna abandon you like everyone else has."

It took a moment for what Gar said to sink in. Her anger melted into uncertainty and hope. Rachel then did something she and Gar never thought she'd do. She threw her arms around his neck, hugging him. Gar was shocked. He didn't know what to do. This wasn't a romantic hug. It was more like a lifesaving hug. It was almost as if Rachel was afraid of her life drowning her and right now Gar was her lifeline. Awkwardly, Gar pat Rachel on her back to comfort her.

Quickly she pulled away and muttered, "Sorry, I-I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay, you did nothing wrong." Gar got an idea. "Would you feel safer if I stayed here tonight?"

"You mean sleep here, overnight?" He nodded. "You can't do that. I mean your parents …you'll get in trouble. You'll …I …"

"You know I'm not gonna hurt you. Do you feel safer with me being here?"

"Yeah, but …"

"Then let me stay." Rachel looked unsure. "I could sleep on the sofa."

Thinking about it, Rachel accidentally spoke her thoughts aloud. "Could he sleep on my floor?"

"Sure, I could do that." Confused, Rachel looked at him. "You just wondered if I could sleep on your floor. Sure, I could do that if it makes you feel safe. Would you feel better if I slept on your floor instead of the sofa?"

"Yeah, maybe …I don't know." She knew she wasn't making any sense. "I've never had a boy sleep in my room before." Her face turned beet red.

Gar's face almost matched the same shade as Rachel's face. He stammered, "If it makes you, um, feel better, I've, uh, I've never, um slept in a girl's room."

"Oh, well okay, um your parents …" She was just as nervous as he was.

"My parents will think I'm at Vic's. I just have to call him and let him know what we're doing if you want me to stay. He'll be okay with it. Don't worry, he'll go along."

Rachel suddenly felt shy and awkward around Gar. She knew he wanted to help her and that he would never try anything. He already knew her two ugliest secrets and he hadn't run away. But she was afraid it would be weird having him in her room.

Gar sensed her apprehension. Not wanting to add to her stress, he suggested, "Why don't I sleep on your floor a few hours. If you're not comfortable with that, then I could move to the sofa. You had a good night sleep at my house. Maybe you need a chance for that here?"

"Okay, I guess we could try it."

Upstairs, Rachel showed him the bathroom while she got an extra pillow and blankets from the linen closet. It felt strange for her to leave her door not only unlocked but also open while she waited for Gar. After Kori's visit, Rachel cleaned up her room some. That was, she shoved most of her stuff into her closet. However, she did toss out the actual trash. If her wall shocked him, Gar didn't say anything when he came in her room.

Rachel sat on her bed with her knee pulled up to her chest while Gar sat on the blankets on the floor. "So, um, sorry I didn't have anything better for you to sleep on."

"That's okay, these blankets will do."

They looked at one another, nervous and shy. "So, um …" said Rachel at the same time Gar said, "Did you …"

Again, they spoke at the same time, "You go first." and "Oh, sorry."

Gar laughed nervously, "I was just wondering if you wanted to go to sleep now cuz you look a little tired. You don't look bad, just kinda worn-out."

Proving his point, Rachel yawned. "Yeah, guess I am kinda tired. That whole thing with that bug sort of worried me. It's just really creepy, you know." She laid down and pulled her blanket up to her chin.

Gar laid on his side so he could still talk to Rachel. "Yeah, that was totally creepy. I mean, like, who does something like that? But try not to worry about it. Vic took care of it."

"Sure, I'll try not to worry. Um, do you mind if I leave this light on and turn on the radio." Avoiding his eyes, Rachel tried to explain. "I, um, sometimes don't like the dark or the quiet. I just need a little something."

"Sure it's okay, whatever you need." He settled down under his blanket. "Good night."

"'Night." Rachel did the same in her bed. "Um, Gar?"

He propped himself on his elbow. "Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, this is what friends do."

The teens laid on there, lost in their own thoughts. Slowly, slumber took over them.

* * *

Gar was startled awake. At first, he didn't know where he was. Remembering he was in Rachel's room, he looked up to her bed and saw what woke him up. Rachel was thrashing, struggling with the blanket. She was still asleep but she cried out. She must be having a nightmare. Gar didn't know what to do as his friend cried out, "No, no! I didn't … No! He forced …"

Gar climbed onto her bed and tried to calm her down. "Rachel? Rachel? It's okay, calm down. You're safe. No one's gonna hurt you."

Rachel struggled harder the more Gar tried to calm her down. His heart broke hearing the panic in her voice. "No! Stop! Stay away! Stay away! NO!"

She woke up, panting for air. She was shocked to find Gar holding her arms. Still terrorized by her nightmare, she shrank away from him. "W-w-what are y-you…?"

He let go of her. "Rachel, I'm not trying to hurt you. You had a nightmare and I was trying to wake you up and calm you down."

Remembering her nightmare, she covered her face with her hands. She was ashamed, how could she ever think one of her friends would hurt her like that? "I-I'm sorry. I-I d-didn't mean … I-I know y-you w-wouldn't…" She broke down crying, not able to voice her horrible suspicions she had of her friend.

He gathered her into the second hug within hours. She trembled as she cried "It's okay. You don't have to be sorry. I know you're just scared. I'm sorry you had the nightmare and I scared you. You mentioned earlier that you hated the nightmares. Do you, um, have nightmares like this one often? Did you have a nightmare last night?"

Still holding tight to Gar, she shook her head against his shoulder. "No. Not lately. It's this damn house. I _hate_ this place. To _everyone_ else, this is a normal house. It's not that way for me. The past abuses haunt me. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, go ahead and cry if you want."

"I don't WANT to cry but I can't help myself. Sometimes, I feel like I can't stop."

"Do you remember the nightmare? Wanna tell me about it? Maybe it'll help?"

She slowly pulled away from her friend as she considered what she should share. She remembered this one. Most of them she didn't. Rachel looked around her room. She's never shared anything about her dreams, could she do that now?

"It's okay too if you don't want to."

Rachel took another moment before she spoke. She let out a deep shaky sigh, "Um, it started out, I was alone in an empty room. My parents suddenly appeared. I don't know where they came from. This room didn't have any doors or windows.

"They knew what happened to me. They, they blamed me for …it happening. They said it was my fault, that if I didn't want it, I should've stopped it. Mom yelled at me with hatred that since I didn't try to stop him, then I must've wanted it. But that's not true. I fought. I tried to tell her he forced himself on me, that I didn't want anything to do with him. My, my mom called me a …a slut. She said I was a slut because I-I …because I had …sex with an older man.

"They multiplied until there were dozens of each of them standing around me. They continued to yell at me, that it was my fault. They were so loud.

"I screamed for them to stop and the others disappeared. It was just the three of us again. They looked at me with disgust and hate." Rachel stopped. She knew there was more to her dream but she had trouble focusing.

"I'm sorry. You know it's not your fault?"

Rachel started to nod when the rest of her nightmare surfaced. She gasped, "HE was there." Panic raised in her voice.

"Who was there?" Gar watched as terror took over the distress on her features.

" _He_ _was_ _there_. He was coming over to me. My parents wouldn't help me. They're too busy blaming me. I couldn't run away. I was stuck. My feet, my legs were frozen. I couldn't move. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. He whispered in my ear."

"What did he say?"

Tears freely flowed as she said, "He said that I couldn't have stopped him. And that nobody will believe me." Gar gathered her into another tender hug. "I shouldn't have made him angry. I should've stopped it. My parents were right. I am to blame. It's all my fault. I-I didn't stop it."

"Rachel, listen to me. It wasn't your fault. It's not your fault what that son of a bitch did to you."

"But I should've fought harder. I didn't fight hard enough. When he …I-I just gave up. I let him …"

"You did fight. I know you. You're a fighter. The bastard was probably larger and stronger than you were. He was wrong, not you. He took advantage of you. And you did what you had to do to survive. It wasn't your fault. And I know you fought that awful night cuz you fought against me when you were dreaming and I was trying to calm you down. You punched me."

Rachel pulled away, her tear-filled eyes large with shock. "What! I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean … I'm sorry. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Gar rubbed his jaw. "Don't be sorry. And don't worry. I'll be fine but you have quite a left hook. That's why I know you fought like hell that night. I'm sorry he hurt you."

"I'm sorry I hurt you. And not just now. I don't mean to snap at everyone. I'm just so …overwhelmed sometimes."

"Is that why you painted your walls?"

Rachel sighed and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I did that the night before my birthday, everything was going wrong." She played with her blanket so she didn't have to look at Gar. "That's also the night I got drunk for the first time. Kori wondered what I did special for my birthday. I had my first of a few hangovers. Pretty pathetic, huh?"

"You're not pathetic. You were traumatized." Rachel yawned. "Are you tired? Wanna try to get some sleep?"

"Would you …never mind, forget it."

"What? What do you want me to do?"

"Would you mind staying here with me? I just need to feel safe right now. I don't want to be alone."

"You want me to sleep on your bed with you?"

"Never mind, it was a stupid idea. Forget I said anything."

"It's not a problem. I can do that. I just want you to be sure. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"It's not like we're going to do anything. But if you don't want to it's okay. I understand."

Rachel felt dejected when Gar got off her bed. When he turned and saw her expression he quickly said, "I'm just getting my blanket and pillow. I'll do anything if it helps you."

They lie down on their backs, side by side, not even touching. They each have their own blanket. This reminded Rachel a little of that night in Hamilton with Jason. She groaned to herself in disgust. Oh God, when did she become such a "damsel in distress"?

Gar looked her way, "You okay?"

"Yeah," she stared at the ceiling, "thanks …for everything. 'Night."

"Good night."

* * *

Gradually the teens woke to the sound of birds. Gar was the first to wake up. He watched Rachel sleep with her head on his chest. He was glad she could get some sleep. He looked down at her hand resting on his chest. It looked so small. He wanted to pick it up and hold it. He wanted to hold her safe. How could anyone hurt her like that? He didn't know what he could do or say to make her stop blaming herself. He hated feeling so helpless.

As Rachel woke up, her eyes burned. That happened often and she hated it.

She didn't know if Gar was awake, so she slowly moved her head from his chest. She felt color rise to her cheeks. She shouldn't have snuggled up to him. It was wrong. "Good morning," Gar said softly, "how'd you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess." She quickly moved her head back to her pillow. Why did she do that? Why did she do _any_ of this? It was so strange waking up next to a guy. "Um, how about you? How did you sleep?"

He stretched then propped himself up on one arm. "It was alright. I was a little cramped against the wall, but it wasn't that bad."

"Sorry, you probably shouldn't have stayed. It was a bad idea."

"Don't worry, everything's okay. I've just never slept in a girl's bed before."

With that statement, Rachel bolted out of bed. "I should see what I can find anything for breakfast." She hurried down stairs.

Realizing his mistake, Gar went after her. "Rachel, wait, I didn't mean anything by that."

"I know," she busied herself searching the kitchen. "Um, not really finding anything for you for breakfast."

"It's okay, I can have anything. Don't worry about it."

"But you're a vegetarian, right?" He nodded. "Well, my father's a complete carnivore, so I don't have anything for you." She nervously looked around. "You should probably go. You know, so you can get something to eat."

"Aren't you coming?"

"I should straighten things a little."

"I'll stay and help you, then we can go together."

"No, I can handle this myself. You should go. We don't want anyone to know you were here overnight." Color flooded her face.

Sensing that she was embarrassed about having him stay over, Gar agreed to go. "Meet me at school, in the courtyard like normal?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll see you there."

* * *

Gar met up with his friends except Rachel. He looked around for her but didn't see her. She should be here by now. "Hey, guys, have you seen Rachel?"

"I thought she was with you?"

Gar shook his head, "She wanted some time alone. Ugh, I shouldn't have left her alone. Grrr, why did I do that? Some friend I am."

Kori put her hand on his arm. "Please do not beat yourself up. You are a good friend to her. She is confused and probably needed some time to think."

Gar frowned, "Hope you're right, Kor."

Rachel knew they'd wonder where she was but she didn't care. She was tired of trying to be what they wanted all the time. She just needed a moment to be herself. Rachel glided the razor blade over her arm already littered with white scars. Not deep enough to do serious damage, she just added another scar to her others. What was more scar?

* * *

 **Thanks for taking the time to read this. _Please review._**


	38. Chapter 38: Overcome

**Thank you so much for the reviews/comments. I truly appreciate the feedback. You have no idea what it means to me to get some response. I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Please review at the end.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics**

 **Chapter 38: Overcome**

* * *

 **"Where were …/ they all gone" – Overcome, Within Temptation**

* * *

It was about twenty minutes before school got out. He chose a spot on a side street facing the main entrance of Jump City High. He needed to be sure to have the right parking place so he could see _her_. He sat in his car, waiting. He was waiting for another chance to see her.

He didn't realize how much he missed her until he heard her voice. True, she wanted nothing to do with him. She'd made that perfectly clear at the restaurant. In fact, she's always tried to avoid him. He didn't care. What she wanted didn't matter to him. He supposed taking her virginity by force proved that. A slow malicious grin spread on his face as that memory crept into his mind. He still didn't care. He got what he wanted - control - everything else was a bonus. Now he focused on everything else since he already knew he had control over her.

He loved being close to her at the restaurant. He could feel her fear. It was invigorating. It was different from that night in her house. He deliberated which kind of fear was better. That night in her house, she was terrified that he'd hurt her. However, at the restaurant she knew what he was capable of doing.

He didn't know why he was so fascinated with this teenaged girl, especially when he had one throwing herself at him. They were similar in that their pasts have damaged both of them. However, that was where the similarities ended. They were different, not just their appearances. Even though, her father had hurt this dark-haired teen, she still had something defiant about her. Maybe that's why he was attracted to her? She still had some boldness even when she was timid and unsure. That all changed after he was with her. Now she seemed to be afraid of her own shadow. He didn't blame her though, if he were this girl, he'd be afraid of a man like him too.

What would he do if he got another chance to get close to her again? Would he take her and hide her away just for himself? Her father was often away on business, or so he said. He saw no sign of business. He didn't care. Whatever Trigon did, didn't matter to him, as long as he left him alone. He just wanted another chance at Trigon's daughter.

If he could get close to her again, alone, he wouldn't just talk to her. He hated that he couldn't do more that talk at the restaurant but he knew time was limited. Next time, he would take her somewhere secluded. He wanted to see her, all of her and touch her soft skin. He wanted to hear her screams. He fed off her fear. He wanted her to beg. Maybe he could make her beg for him? Although, if he could get desire from her would that change things? Would he not be as fascinated by her if she didn't fear him? He didn't know. He just knew he practically ached to feel her again. Alone, several lascivious thoughts went through his mind.

He so desperately wanted to feel _her_ tight body around him again. He thought about the girl he thought of as his. He wanted her so badly. He needed her so much. What he just did helped some but he needed to be with someone. He needed _her_. He did have the blonde he could go to, but it wasn't the same. He grinned. Although, for their first time, he liked how she was willing but reluctant. He liked how she squirmed as he held her down.

A few minutes after three o'clock, kids came pouring out of the school. He looked, searching for her. He scanned the throng of students. He didn't see her. Did he miss her? He cursed the noisy mass of teens. Why did there have to be so many of them? It didn't take long for the crowd to thin.

There she was. He gripped the steering wheel and leaned forward to get a closer to her. She was in the middle of her small group of friends. How chivalrous, her friends seemed to be protecting her, shielding her. She seemed to shy away from the scrawny one. Knowing that she was vulnerable, did he try to get close to her? He grinned, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. He remembered he did the same thing when he was their age. No matter what age they were, vulnerable girls were so enticing. He was glad his little bird was so tempting but he wanted her all to himself. She was his, that was how he thought of her. They were forever connected. She was damaged and he damaged her. No guy should want to be with her.

It was almost as if she was hiding. He must have really scared her, again. He focused on her fear so much that he didn't notice that her hair was getting long again. She laughed at her friends' jokes but she didn't look entirely happy. Could she sense that he was there? Were they that connected? She knew he was nearby, didn't she? He wondered if she knew what he wanted to do to her.

He forced himself to study her friends. It seemed that that Wayne kid was protective of the redheaded girl. He seemed to scan their surroundings. What was he looking for? He seemed to be on alert. Could he be searching for him? Did that mean _she_ mentioned something about seeing him again? Hadn't he warned her not to say anymore? Didn't she believe his threat?

He turned his attention back to the redhead. She seemed to exuded pure innocence. A grin formed on his lips. He wondered just how innocent she was. His past experiences showed him that some of the most innocent girls were the most wild when he was with them. Would this girl be like that? His grin turned to a frown. He didn't want _that_ girl. He wanted, needed the girl with raven black hair and intense blue eyes, she _belonged_ to him. "Don't worry, _mon_ _petit_ _oiseau_ , my little bird," he muttered, "we'll be together again. I hope to make it soon."

* * *

On way to Kori's house, they, well, she chatted. Rachel was going home with Kori that afternoon. Kori, of course, was the one chattering. Rachel listened but she wasn't focused on her friend. Instead, she couldn't stop thinking about her encounter with _him_. Rachel shuddered. Why did he have to find her again? What he did to her was more than enough for her to hate him.

What? She missed what Kori just asked her. "What?"

"Why are you avoiding Gar?" repeated Kori.

Rachel looked out the side window, avoiding eye contact with her friend. "I'm not avoiding Gar."

"You are not talking to him."

"That's not true. I am to talking to him. The other day, I asked him about the biology assignment."

"Pfft, that is ridiculous," said Kori, "All you have said to Gar in the past few weeks was about homework? That is not talking to him." Kori looked at her dark-haired friend for a second. "Rachel, what is going on? Why are you avoiding our friend? Did," green eyes looked aside at her friend again, "did something happen when he stayed with you that night? I thought it was sweet but if he tried something, I will …"

"No. Nothing happened. Gar didn't try anything, he wouldn't. Even if I hadn't been …he would have tried anything. He's not like that. I think I'm still weirded out by that bug-thing the guys found at my house. I don't know why or for how long it was there. It gave me the creeps."

"Yes that is creepy, but then why are you avoiding Gar?"

"I'm not …" Rachel sighed, she saw that Kori wasn't believing her. She decided to tell her the truth. "Fine. I had a nightmare that night and I opened up to him. I showed him what I was feeling."

"That is wonderful. Not the nightmare, of course, but the sharing is wonderful. It will help you to heal."

"No, I don't think so." Rachel remembered her father saying if she wanted to heal, she shouldn't talk about what happened to her. Of course, what did her father know about healing, he only knew how to hurt her. "I learned a long time ago to keep things bottled up. It's better that way. I don't get hurt if I keep everything to myself."

"Friend, I do not believe that is true. Perhaps, that may have been true with your father, but that is not the case with us. We are your friends and we want to help you. You say you keep things to yourself so you will not get hurt, but I think, in the end, you are still getting hurt."

"Thanks for looking out for me, but I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Okay, we will not discuss this for now. But please, do not push Gar away again. We all want what is best for you." Kori pulled into the driveway. "Ooh, look, there is a package." A small rectangular box sat at the doorstep. It was just smaller than a shoebox. It was wrapped in plain brown paper. "I do not remember anyone ordering anything. I wonder who it is for."

Going up to the front door, they saw it was a plain box. There were no addresses on it. It simply said "To Kori", written in red marker. They had no way of knowing who it was from. Kori was excited but Rachel was alarmed. Who and why would someone send Kori something? What if he …no, no. He wouldn't do that. She'd done what he said, she didn't tell anyone else.

"Are you sure you should open that? Maybe you should wait until your uncle is here?"

"Nonsense. This is simply a gift. And it is to me."

Rachel's breathing became shallow as she watched Kori tear off the paper and open the box. For some reason, she couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was about to happen. She tried to reason with herself that she shouldn't be so paranoid, that she had no reason to worry.

"Oh, look. I just love it." Kori showed Rachel a coffee mug with hearts on it. Inside it were things, a pen, a small notebook and a stuffed animal, but Rachel didn't see those.

She was focused on the mug. Why would someone send Kori a coffee cup? Kori didn't drink coffee. She didn't need the caffeine, she was often hyper enough without it. Her friends knew that, so who would send her a coffee cup?

Rachel thought back to a few weeks ago when _he_ got her a cup of coffee. She also remembered their conversation about the rich, black liquid that night she took refuge at his place. There were innuendos in that conversation. Ever since then, she'd hated the smell of coffee.

Could _he_ have sent Kori that cup? Why? She didn't do anything. Rachel remembered that she told her friends that she saw _him_ but she didn't say who _he_ was. But he'd spied on her before. Was he still spying on her? That meant that he knew that she didn't stay quiet. He'd warned her to stay quiet or he'd go after her friends. Rachel's heart raced. He was going after her friends. He was going after her friends. She couldn't let him hurt Kori like he'd hurt her.

"No!" Rachel grabbed the cup out of Kori's hands and threw it on the sidewalk. The mug smashed into several pieces.

Wide eyed, Kori stared at her friend. Why did she do that? "Rachel? What? Why? Why did you do that?"

"You don't want that. Not since it came from him."

"How do you know who it came from? I have the note that was with it." Kori quickly read the note. "It was from Richard."

Rachel stared at the smashed mug. Richard? No, that's not who it was from. _He_ sent it. If it was from Richard, why did he send it? Why didn't he just give it to her?

"Why did you do that? I am very sorry for the hardships you are going through. You should not have been hurt by your father or by that monster. And I understand that you are not comfortable or ready to begin to _think_ about dating. But that does not mean that I cannot date Richard, does it? I should not have to sacrifice my happiness because others have stolen yours."

Rachel furrowed her brows. What was Kori saying? Did she think that Rachel wanted her friends to be miserable because she was? Did Kori think Rachel was jealous of their happiness? Rachel wasn't jealous. Maybe she was envious but not jealous? Those weren't the same, we're they? Rachel did envy Kori and Richard because they had what she knew she could never have. But that didn't mean she was jealous.

And yes, Rachel had a crush Richard when she first joined their group. But that all changed when he started seeing Kori. Rachel knew she couldn't compete with Kori's enthusiasm. Richard was helping her now but Rachel didn't confuse that with infatuation. She knew Richard didn't look at her the same way he looked at Kori. He couldn't, he wouldn't. Rachel knew no one would look at her like that. She was trying to get used to that idea. She knew she'd have to get used to being alone. But that didn't mean she wanted the same for her friends.

"Rachel? Rachel? I am sorry. I should not have said that. I did not mean what I said."

"What happened?" said a male voice.

"Augh!" Both girls cried out as they jumped. They didn't realize someone had arrived.

"Didn't you like my gift?" asked Richard when he caught sight of the shattered mug.

"Gift? You? Richard? No? I, I thought …" Rachel covered her mouth with her hands. What had she done?

"Kori? Rachel? What happened?"

Rachel backed up from the two. Her face blanched then reddened. "I'm sorry. I …I didn't …I …thought …" Her pupils dilated with fear. What had she done? She got everything wrong.

"Rachel?" Richard was worried about her. She looked so upset.

"Rachel?" Kori took a step towards her friend but Rachel backed up. Her blue eyes welled up with tears. "Rachel? I am so sorry for what I said. I was wrong."

"I'm sorry." What had she done? "I …I have to go." Rachel turned and ran down the driveway. Kori called after her but she kept running down the street.

"Let her go. I'm learning when Rachel's upset, she needs a little time to cool down." As he knelt down to pick up the broken pieces, he repeated, "What happened? Didn't you like it?"

Kori picked up the little stuffed pineapple that was in the mug. Tears welled up in _her_ eyes. "Oh, Richard, your gift was so sweet and adorable."

"Then what happened? How did it get smashed?"

"Rachel did it."

"Rachel? But why? That doesn't make any sense."

"She was concerned about me receiving something from someone we didn't know."

"I put who it was from on the bottom of the box." He picked up the discarded brown paper. "See?" Looking at the paper, Kori saw that the top would've said to Kori and the bottom would've said from Richard.

"I did not see that. I never turned it over. I just tore off the paper." Her shoulders dropped. "If only I had turned it over, all of this could have been prevented."

Richard repeated, "What happened?"

Kori sighed, "I am sorry to say, we had a fight." As she explained what happened and what she said to their friend, tears spilled down her cheeks. "But I do not believe that. I do not know why I said such hurtful things. Do you think Rachel will ever forgive me? I am such a -. I do not deserve her friendship. Perhaps, not yours, either?"

Richard put his arm around his girlfriend, trying to calm her down. "You were both upset. Rachel will understand that you didn't mean those things." He took her chin and forced her to look him in his eyes. "You're a very good friend. You said it was a misunderstanding?" Kori nodded. "Try not to be too hard on yourself. I get how frustrating and confusing Rachel's mood swings can be. She still has a lot to work through." Richard stopped to think of how he wanted to say what he was going to say next. "I think, there are things, words, phrases, that we don't know are triggers for her. She might not even know it. Her anger and resentment surface but I don't think she's angry with us."

"I wish our dear friend did not have to go through this." Kori and Richard hugged as he agreed. The only thing with a smile, was the silly little pineapple Kori held.

* * *

Rachel ran for a few blocks before she stopped. Catching her breath, she chastised herself. Why did she do that? Why did she have to overreact to everything? If she'd just stayed calm, she would've known there was nothing to worry about. Could she do that? Could she stay calm? No. She had to overreact and panic. She needed to break this habit of making things worse.

Maybe if she found another mug, she could replace the broken one? It wouldn't be the same, but it might help. It would show them that Rachel was sorry and ashamed of her actions.

* * *

Rachel's eyes frantically searched the shelves. She had to find another one like the one Richard bought for Kori. Where did he buy it? Why couldn't she find it? How could there be so many mugs but not the right one? This was the third store she'd tried. As she searched, horrible thought filled Rachel's head, what if Richard had the cup custom made? How would she find one to replace it?

Sighing with frustration, Rachel continued to search. She had to find something similar. Why did she have to smash that one? Rachel was sure her friends were mad at her. Why wouldn't they be? She was irritated with herself.

The ceramic drinking vessels clanked as she pushed them aside. Maybe the right one was in back? She kept searching. She had to find the right one. Rachel picked up a couple mugs. Where was it? This shouldn't be so hard, but after seeing so many cups, they all started to look alike.

"Rachel?"

Hearing someone say her name, startled the teen. Rachel looked up and saw her French teacher. "Mrs. Martinez?"

Thérèse Martinez noticed that her student looked a little frazzled. "Rachel, do you need help?"

Rachel held her breath for a moment. How could she know? No one but a few knew what she was going through. She can't know what's going on. She just being polite. Rachel decided to brush aside her paranoia. "What? No, I'm alright. I don't need any help."

"It kind of looks like you do." Rachel followed her teacher's gaze to her arms. Rachel had an arm load of coffee mugs. Being startled by her teacher, Rachel forgot about them "Here, let me help you." Thérèse helped Rachel unload the cups from her arms. As they placed them back on the shelves, the older woman asked, "What are you doing? You seem to be searching for something particular."

Rachel thanked her teacher for her help and explained a little about what happened that afternoon. "I didn't mean to break it." But that was a lie. At that moment, when Rachel thought she was protecting her friend, she mean to smash it.

"I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'm sure if you find a mug you think your friend would like, it'll be okay."

"You really think so?" Rachel wasn't so sure.

Thérèse smiled kindly to her upset student. "Remember, it's the thought that counts. I'm sure they'll appreciate all the time and effort you've put in to finding a replacement."

Rachel remembered seeing one that she thought Kori would like. The only problem was she couldn't remember where she saw it. Turning around, Rachel bumped into another fixture. A mug tottered slightly before falling. No. Not again. Rachel covered her face with one hand. "Not again," she mumbled.

"Wait here, I'll go get somebody to clean up this. Don't try to pick up any of it. I don't want you to cut yourself."

Tears stung Rachel's eyes as she looked down at another ruined cup. She felt like she was disastrous to everything and everyone around her. Ignoring her teacher, she knelt down to start picking up the larger pieces. She smiled sadly to herself. Mrs. Martinez was worried about her cutting herself. Too late.

"Rachel?" The teen looked up. She thought she recognized the woman but she couldn't place her. The woman saw Rachel's confusion. "I'm Marie Logan, Gar's mother."

"Mrs. Logan, I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you."

"Please, call me Marie. I didn't know you worked here." She assumed since Rachel was picking up the broken pieces, she must've worked there.

Rachel stood. She still held some of the larger pieces. "I don't. I accidentally broke this so …"

Marie thought the girl in front of her seemed annoyed, maybe agitated. She also seemed a little skittish. She wondered what was going on with this girl who was supposed to be her son's friend. Why did Marie pick up a strange vibe from her? Trying to shake that feeling, Marie smiled. "Here, let me help you." Marie picked up a bowl so they could put the pieces in.

"You don't have to do that. I'm sure you're busy. Besides, I broke it so I should fix it."

"It's okay, I can help you."

The two females knelt down to put the pieces in the bowl. They had most of it picked up by the time Mrs. Martinez had arrived with an employee and a broom. "Rachel, I told you to leave it alone."

Again, Rachel said, "I broke it so I should fix it."

Rachel and Marie stood and stepped aside so they'd be out of the employee's way. The two older women introduced themselves to one another. While they did that and discussed things going on in the community, Rachel tried to shake the strange feeling she suddenly felt. It was similar to what she felt when she was with Malcolm.

Her head suddenly felt thick? Too heavy? She couldn't explain it. Maybe it felt like she was pressing her hands on her head? But at the same time, her head felt too light. That didn't make any sense. Why were things spinning? Or was she the one spinning?

Did she simply stand too fast? If that was the case, then why did she feel clammy? What was wrong? Something had to be wrong. It wasn't normal to feel both hot and cold. Could she be having a panic attack? If so, how could she stop it? She couldn't have a panic attack in public, especially not with her teacher and friend's mother here.

Rachel wanted to control her rapid, shallow breathing but she couldn't. She was too scared by what she was feeling. What was wrong with her? What was going on? Should she get her teacher or Gar's mother to help her?

Rachel started to take a step towards. Why did her legs feel so strange? Her legs felt tingly and shaky. They wouldn't hold her up. She needed to sit down. "Uh …" Rachel took a step towards them when everything started fading out.

Marie and Thérèse both turned to Rachel in time to see that something was wrong. They watched as all the color drained from Rachel's face. Her eyes rolled back and she collapsed to the floor. She crumpled as if her skeleton had disintegrated.

"Oh my God!" Both women cried out. They knelt by the unconscious girl's side. "Rachel?" Together, they moved Rachel until she was on her back. "Rachel?" She looked more pale than usual. Thérèse patted Rachel on her cheek, "Rachel? Wake up."

Other customers gathered around them. Some gave advice. One went to tell someone, to get help. Somebody called for help.

It took several moments but Rachel's eyes stated to flutter open. She had trouble keeping them open.

"Rachel? Honey, can you hear me?"

Rachel was vaguely aware of her surroundings. Something didn't seem right. Why did her body ache? Was she lying on something hard? Was she lying on the floor? "Wh-what happened?" her voice was small and thin.

"You passed out, but you're going to be okay." The French teacher hoped she wasn't lying. She had no idea why her student passed out.

Rachel opened her eyes enough to see the crowd gathered around them. Oh God! She passed out in her store? She closed her eyes and covered her face. "Oh God …"

"Ignore them. Try to relax. Can you tell me what happened?"

"I ...I- I don't know. I …started to feel funny, then…"

Someone said, "The ambulance is on the way."

"What! Ambulance? No. No, I don't …" Rachel didn't want an ambulance. She didn't want anyone checking her, touching her.

"It's okay. You're okay. They just need to check you out, make sure nothing's wrong. You could've hit your head when you fell."

They heard sirens with increasing loudness as the ambulance approached. Rachel hid her face behind her hands. She repeatedly muttered to herself, "This isn't happening." Her teacher rubbed her shoulder trying to calm her and to be supportive. Most of the people standing around them sympathized with Rachel. They knew they'd be just as embarrassed as she was now.

The crowd parted as two paramedics showed up. As they pushed up Rachel's sleeve to check her pulse, Marie noticed the white marks on the teen's arm. What was this girl into? Why did she faint?

They continued to check Rachel's vital signs. "Have you ever passed out before?"

Rachel hesitated to answer. "Rachel?" asked Mrs. Martinez, "Have you ever passed out before today?"

A small yes escaped from Rachel's lips.

"Okay," said one of the paramedics, "she's doing better now but we need to take her in. We need to get her checked out. She's got a slight friction burn on her cheek so we need to make sure she didn't hit her head."

"What if I promise to see a doctor?" asked Rachel. She didn't want to go to the hospital. What if, somehow they found out about her secret?

"Sorry, looks like you get to ride in the ambulance today. Since she's a minor, we need an adult to go with her." Mrs. Martinez volunteered to go.

As Rachel was being wheeled out to the ambulance she saw Richard. Richard? What was he doing there? "Wait!" They stopped. "Richard!"

Richard couldn't hide his shock to see Rachel on a gurney being wheeled to an ambulance.

"Rachel! What happened?"

"She fainted," answered their French teacher, "She's okay now, but she needs to be checked out by a doctor. We don't know why she fainted."

Thinking about going to the hospital, Rachel began to panic. "Can Richard come too?"

"Sorry, there's not enough room for another person."

"But, I …"

Richard said, "Don't worry, Rachel. I'll follow you guys. I'll meet you at the hospital. Try not to worry, it'll be okay."

The ride to the hospital was quiet other than the paramedics. Rachel stared at the ceiling of the ambulance as they went to the hospital. She tried to control her breathing. She tried to control her fears. When they examined her at the hospital, they wouldn't have to examine her _there_. There'd be no reason for them to look down there. Besides, Rachel thought, by now there wouldn't be any evidence.

But any evidence wasn't what worried her. Rachel was afraid of anyone seeing or touching her. But, she tried to reason with herself, she fainted so there'd be no reason for them to check down there. Rachel closed her eyes. Please let this get over quickly. Why did she have to faint in a store? Why couldn't she have waited until she was in her room?

At the hospital, they rushed her to an exam room. Richard and Mrs. Martinez waited in the waiting room for a while. When they were allowed to enter Rachel's exam room, a nurse was finishing taking some blood. Their French teacher asked, "How is she doing?" The nurse told her that Rachel was okay now but they'd know more soon.

Richard asked Rachel, "Nervous?"

She nodded, "Yes, very nervous."

A few minutes after the nurse left, a doctor came in. Rachel quickly glanced away. She hoped he didn't recognize he. He was the doctor who helped Rachel the last time she was in a hospital, after the rape. He checked over her chart. "Hi, Rachel, I'm Dr. Owens. So you had a scare today, you fainted?" Rachel nodded. "Did you feel strange before you fainted?"

"Um, I think I felt a little hot and dizzy."

"Okay," Dr. Owens continued to examine her. "Have you ever felt like that before?" Rachel was ashamed to admit she had. "When did it happen?"

Rachel avoided eye contact with Richard and her teacher. "The first time was …I think about the …second week of February. Then, it's happened a couple other times since then."

"Did you feel the same way, hot and dizzy?"

"Um, the first time, I think I was suddenly cold but sweaty. I was also felt sick to my stomach."

"Was it the same way the other times?" Rachel nodded her head. She still didn't look at her friend and teacher. "Did you ever see a doctor about it?"

"No, I thought it was just because I forgot to eat."

"Did you see any flashes of light or did your eyes hurt?" Rachel shook her head no. "What about your head, did your head hurt?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, well other than being dehydrated, you seem to be doing alright now. I'm going to give you a saline drip. That should get your levels back to normal. You should be okay but we'll have to see what the tests say. Try not to worry too much."

Richard asked, "Doctor, do you know why Rachel would be fainting so much?"

"Like I said, the tests should give us some answers. Maybe it is as she thought? Maybe it is as simple as she wasn't eating enough? The human body has its way of forcing you to notice and take care of it. I'll be back in a moment. Try not to worry. Too much stress can also have this effect."

After Dr. Owens left, Mrs. Martinez said she was going to the waiting room to make some phone calls. Alone with Richard, Rachel focused on the IV in her arm. She knew he was going to question her, maybe even be mad at her. "Rachel? Rachel?" She heard the concern in his voice but still didn't turn to him. "Rachel, I'm not mad if that's what you're afraid of. I'm just worried. Why didn't you tell anyone about fainting? I was so scared when I saw you being taken to the ambulance."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you …again. I'm not a very good friend because I keep scaring you with my problems."

"That's not true," he took her free hand. "I want to help you, all of us do. I just don't understand why you never told anyone."

"I thought it was like I said, I didn't eat."

"You know, you don't have to go through everything alone."

"Um, the first time I fainted, Malcolm Drake was with me."

"What was he doing with you?"

"Well, he's my neighbor and I'd just fought with Kitten." Richard nodded, indicating that he remembered. "He thought I needed time to cool down, so he took me to the amusement park. I thought I fainted because of all the excitement of the fast rides and because I kept forgetting to eat. It was about a month after IT happened and I was still very upset." She looked away from him a moment before turning back to her friend. "Richard, I'm scared. What if something's wrong with me?"

"I'm scared too but maybe it's like the doctor said, maybe it's because of stress and not eating?"

Rachel tried not to look as worried as she felt. "I've, um, I've seen this doctor before."

"Really, when?"

"I came here after I was …attacked. I don't remember how I got her but I was here. I woke up here and …maybe that was one of the first times I passed out? What if this has something to do with that? I ran away from the hospital before they could finish checking me out. Maybe something's really wrong with me?"

Richard was trying to calm Rachel down when Trigon hurried into the exam room. Seeing her father surprised Rachel. "D-dad, what, what are you doing here?"

"Your teacher, Mrs. Martinez, called me. You don't think I'd come when someone calls me and tells me my daughter's been fainting all the time?"

"I'm not fainting ALL the time. I ..." She didn't know what she'd tell him.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Richard Grayson, sir."

"You're Bruce Wayne's boy, right?"

Richard nodded and Rachel added, "He's my friend."

Trigon eyed Richard suspiciously. He didn't trust him being with his daughter. He'd be a good "catch" for her, much better than that boy she was dating. He was rich and popular but Trigon still didn't trust him.

Rachel didn't feel comfortable having her father here. She didn't know how but she was sure he'd blame her for this. "Dad, it's okay, I know you're busy. The doctor said I wasn't eating enough and that I was dehydrated. You can go. Really, I'm okay."

"You're my daughter, my responsibility. I should be here. Why do you want me to leave?"

"There's no reason, I just know you're very busy."

When Dr. Owens returned to the exam room, he was surprised to see a large man talking to the two teens. He stood outside the door a moment and watched them. He didn't know what this man's connection was to them, but he found it odd that he stood a little possessively in front of the girl. Everyone in the room seemed tense. Dr. Owens wondered what was going on.

Dr. Owens remembered Rachel, or Riley as she told him, coming into the hospital a few months ago. He suspected she knew back then what had happened to her. Looking down at the results of Rachel's blood tests, he sighed. He was sure her life just got more complicated.

* * *

 **Thanks again. Please stay with me. Aren't you curious? I know I am. Please review.**


	39. Chapter 39: Hurt

**Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Johnny Cash or any lyrics**

 **Chapter 39 Hurt**

* * *

 **"If I could …/ …find a way" – Hurt, Johnny Cash**

* * *

Dr. Owens hesitated before he entering the exam room. He was about to change this young girl's life with what he was about to tell her. He doubted that she was expecting this outcome. He signed. Sometimes, he hated his job.

Entering he room, he went up to the man who seemed agitated. "Hello, I'm Dr. Owens. I'm Rachel's doctor today. I'm going to have to ask you to wa …"

Trigon studied the doctor a moment before interrupting him, "I'm her father, Trigon Roth. What's going on, what's wrong with her?

"She's not sick if that's what you're worried about." Dr. Owens got a bad vibe from this man. He got a sense of domination and roughness. From Rachel, he sensed an unwanted submission and maybe fear. That fear could be because she was in the hospital. Dr. Owens didn't like the tension her father brought.

"Then what's wrong with her? Something must be wrong or else she wouldn't be in the hospital."

"Mr. Roth, I'm going to have to ask you to wait in the hall for a moment."

"But I'm her father."

"Yes, I understand that."

"Don't I have a right to know what's going on with my daughter?"

"Let me talk with Rachel first. I'm not trying to keep anything from you. I just need to talk with Rachel first. Please, wait in the hallway," Dr. Owens insisted before he turned to Richard, "I'm going to ask you to wait there as well."

Rachel and Richard exchanged concerned glances, could something be seriously wrong? Richard didn't want to leave Rachel but he stepped out into the hall. Trigon took more convincing but he did join Richard.

The two males leaned against the wall. It took a moment for Trigon noticed Richard glaring at him. "What's your problem, kid?"

"She loved you, you know."

Trigon was confused. What was he talking about? "What? Who are you talking about?"

"Rachel, your daughter, she loved you."

"Of course she does," not catching Richard's use of the past tense. "I'm her father."

"Do you love her? If you do love her, you have a strange way of showing it."

"What are you talking about?"

"All she ever wanted was your acceptance, your love, but you couldn't or wouldn't give her that." Richard almost growled at Trigon, "God, what the hell is wrong with you? You know she defended you. God knows why, but she loved you. Even after some of the stuff you did to her."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Trigon glanced at the closed door. What was she telling her friends? Was she spreading lies? He knew that his daughter having friends would mean trouble. "I don't have to stand here listing to you ramble on about nothing. I'm going back in there."

"But the doctor said to wait out here. He'll get us when he was ready."

"I'm not going to let some prick doctor tell me what I can do, especially when it involves my daughter." Trigon wasn't worried about his daughter's health. He was worried that she was telling the doctor lies. Only, they weren't lies.

"Trigon!" He turned to see his wife hurrying down the hall. "What's wrong with Rachel?"

"How did you know? What are you doing here?"

Taking a moment to catch her breath, Laura explained, "I'm now on her emergency contact list. And I'm here because Rachel's my stepdaughter. I'm worried about her. What happened?"

"Guess she fainted."

"That's not normal. Has she done that before?"

"How should I know?" shrugged Trigon.

While Trigon filled Laura in with what he knew, Dr. Owens shared the results of her blood test with Rachel. As he suspected, she wasn't expecting what he told her.

Rachel's world fell apart around her. She felt everything and nothing at the same time. She heard nothing but her own breathing. She didn't hear the pages over the intercom. She didn't hear the muffled sounds outs the closed door. She didn't even hear the doctor. Everything in the room turned black and white. Everything was so bleak. Rachel was afraid she'd fainted again, but she hadn't. One word escaped her lips, no.

Trigon entered the room with Laura and Richard close behind. The subject of what was wrong with Rachel had the doctor and patient so focused that they didn't hear them come in.

Richard was alarmed, Rachel looked so upset. What was wrong with his friend? A moment later, they knew what was wrong. Dr. Owens said softly, "I'm sorry."

"No." Tears welled up in Rachel's eye, "I-I can't be …pregnant?"

"What! Pregnant!" Rachel nearly jumped out of her skin when her father exploded. No. She needed more time before he found out. He couldn't know, not yet. If Rachel had her way, he never would've known. She prayed there was a mistake.

Trigon was at Rachel's side in an instant. "You lying little bitch!"

"No! I wasn't lying!" She knew he thought she was lying about being raped.

Pointing to Richard, Trigon demanded, "Is it his?"

Rachel cowered from her father. "No!" This was a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. Please, let it stop. Let it all stop.

"You're worse than your damn mother," scoffed Trigon, "Before I knew Angela, she was a slut. She rebelled against her parents by chasing boys. She did all sorts of things with those boys but she never got herself pregnant." Rachel shook her head. She didn't believe him. She knew he was lying about her mother. She remembered her mother saying that Trigon was her first.

"Mr. Roth, please. Your daughter doesn't need this. She needs your support, your compassion."

Trigon's eyes blazed with anger. "What this bitch needs is some major punishment for disobeying me. I explicitly told her no sex while she lived under my roof. My house, my rules." He narrowed his eyes, "Wait til we get home." Rachel started trembling as she stared wide-eyed at her father. He'd kill her. She was sure of it. But maybe that was for the best?

"Trigon? Please, calm down. I understand that you're upset. I would be too if I found out my teenaged daughter was pregnant." Laura glared at Rachel for a moment, "It must be especially hard to find out this way, but you have to calm down. Things have been said in anger but you don't want to say something that can't be taken back."

"I always knew you'd be trouble," snarled Trigon at his daughter, ignoring his wife's advice, "I should've sent you away or locked you up when you started getting interested in boys."

"Mr. Roth, calm down."

Trigon looked at his daughter with disgust. "The bitch probably don't even know whose brat she's carrying. You always acted so shy and embarrassed about sex but that was just an act, wasn't it? How many guys have you slept with? Do you even know? What are you, the school slut? Will you spread your legs for any guy? You're not my daughter, you're a fuckin' whore!"

"Mr. Roth!"

"Trigon!"

Trigon's words shocked everyone in the room, but mostly they hurt Rachel.

"No! I told you the truth. _I was raped_!"

"You're lying." Trigon was one of those few people who believed that a pregnancy could _only_ result from consensual sex. He wrongly believed that if a woman was raped, her body would prevent a pregnancy. Because he believed that, he didn't believe his daughter.

"No! I'm not lying," Rachel added softly, "You know who it was."

"I don't what you're talking about."

"You were there." Dr. Owens and Richard were shocked. It sounded as if she was suggesting that Trigon hurt his daughter in an unthinkable way.

Trigon came to the same assumption. "You lying piece of shit. I never touched you."

"No, not in that way," Rachel was visibly shaking, "That's the one way you didn't hurt me. You only hit me, beat me."

"Watch it," warned Trigon, his voice was low but threatening to his daughter.

With a trembling voice, Rachel repeated, "You know who it was. He was there, in the house. He said that you paid him."

"See? She's lying. I would never pay anyone to touch her." Trigon said to the doctor, "Don't believe a thing she says."

"I'm not lying. I was raped. He raped me."

"I don't believe you. You're making this up. You're scared that I found out that you're having sex so you're making this up. Who are you sleeping with? Whose d…?"

"Trigon! Enough!" Laura knew she needed to calm down her husband. She knew who Rachel was going to name as her assailant. She also knew that both she and her husband paid him to torment the teen.

"You didn't pay him to do _that_. He said you paid him to scare me. But he went too far." Her voice trailed off.

Trigon tried to figure out what she was saying. He thought back to that day in the park. That day he'd paid someone to show his daughter who was in control. "Slade?" Trigon shook his head. No, that couldn't be right. Slade wouldn't have forced himself on his daughter. It had to be like he thought earlier. Rachel was young and naïve. Things happened between the two. She got scared. Panicking when she learned she's pregnant, she made up this horrible accusation.

Slade? Slade Wilson? That shocked Richard. Slade Wilson raped Rachel? Richard though back to a few weeks ago when Rachel was so upset at the restaurant. Later, she'd said she saw her rapist. He remembered Kori saying she saw Slade outside the restaurant. She'd said that he gave her the creeps. No wonder Rachel was so upset. Slade raped her. Richard wanted to find him and pulverize him.

Laura covered her face with her hands. It looked like she was shocked or upset. She wasn't either of those. She needed to hide the smile on her lips. She couldn't have planned things to go like this. This family was falling apart.

Something snapped in Trigon. He grabbed Rachel's arm, twisting it. "You fuckin' bitch! All you ever do is lie. He wouldn't lay a hand on you unless you let him. You're nothing but a lying slut!" He echoed Rachel's nightmare.

" _No_! _I never let_ him do _anything_ to me! He raped me! Ow! You're hurting me!"

"Let her go!" Dr. Owens pried Trigon's hand off of Rachel's arm.

Accusations and excuses were thrown around the room. A security guard was trying to get things under control. Rachel didn't know when he'd shown up, she didn't care. Watching her father struggle with the security guard and the doctor, Rachel felt the walls closing in on her. There wasn't air in there. She had to get out. Pushing past them, Rachel bolted down the hall. Richard called out for her. She knew she _should_ go to him but she ignored him. She ignored the angry patients, nurses and doctors as she ran, searching for a way out.

Everything was so confusing: the sights, sounds, emotions. Seeing a door to the outside, Rachel burst through it.

Her lungs burned as she greedily gulped at the fresh air. She came out to the hospital's garden of hope. Hope? She'd lost all hope. Rachel stumbled over to the garden. She thought she was getting back to normal but now that was shattered.

Tears blur her vision until the garden looked like an abstract painting. She wrapped her arms around herself and dropped to her knees. She doubled over as if she was in pain. Physically she felt no pain but that wasn't the case emotionally. She curled up so tight, so small. It's almost as if she was trying to disappear. Her forehead touched her knees.

Now everyone would know her secrets. She'd lived through one nightmare with her father. What Slade did to her was another nightmare but she was getting through that as well. At least, that's what she told herself. But this, Rachel didn't know how she could survive this. She silently sobbed. She was carrying HIS child.

Rachel stiffened feeling a gentle hand on her back. "Richard, I'm sorry but I want to be alone."

"Sorry," said a male voice, "I'm not Richard," Rachel groaned. It was Dr. Owens. "and I'm not leaving you alone. But you should know your friend Richard is worried about you. He wanted to come find you but I told him to give you some time."

"So, you're here to bother me instead?"

Dr. Owens let Rachel's comment slide. He knew she was shocked and upset. He couldn't begin to imagine what she was going through, what she had gone through. The closest thing he could connect to what Rachel was feeling was when he and his girlfriend had a pregnancy scare. And that was nothing compared to this girl's anguish.

After waiting a few minutes, he asked, "Ready to go inside?"

Rachel shook her head no. She sniffed, trying to stop crying. "You can go in if you want, but I'm staying here."

"I'm not leaving you alone. It seems as though you've been left alone too much." Rachel sighed, knowing he wasn't going to leave her. She couldn't decide if she was glad for that or not. She stiffly started to uncoil from her balled up position.

"Here, let me help you." He gently supported her as he guided her to a bench. They sat in silence.

After a few minutes, Rachel asked with a faint voice, "Did you know?"

"Did I know, what?"

"When I came in here that one day," she glanced at him quicker, "did you know?"

"Did I know what had happened to you?" Rachel nodded as she wiped her nose with the tissue he handed her. "When you first came in, we didn't know, but in the process of trying to help you, we saw evidence."

"Evidence? What kind of evidence?" She was almost afraid to ask.

Dr. Owens tried to be as gentle as he could. "There were bruises and cuts that coincided with the type of attack that happened to you. To gather evidence for the police and to confirm our suspicions, a rape kit was done."

Rachel looked up at him. Her face was red with embarrassment and shame. What! A rape kit? "You mean, you ...saw …me? You saw … _everything_!"

"No," said Dr. Owens, "Don't worry, I didn't do it. I asked a female doctor to do it. She's a friend of mine and she's kind and gentle."

"But you knew. You knew I was …raped." She balled up her fists in anger. "I _hate_ that word. I absolutely _hate_ that word. I wish it didn't exist. I wish I didn't know what that word meant."

Dr. Owens said softly, "I wish you didn't either."

Rachel wiped her eyes. "After you knew I was …what had happened to me, did you know I was preg…? Sorry, I can't say it."

Understanding what she asking, the doctor tried to answer the best he could. "We did a blood test but at that time we didn't know anything about that."

"But you did the test because you thought I could be, pregnant?" Tears welled up in Rachel's eyes again. She couldn't believe what the doctor told her. She couldn't be pregnant.

He knew she was scared and confused so he tried to explain. "No, any female of a certain age, uh, child bearing age, who comes in with unknown aliments, has a pregnancy test. That way we can rule that out. Or, if she is pregnant, we know there are certain drugs for particular things we can't administer. Does that make any sense?"

Rachel nodded. It helped knowing that she hadn't been singled out. "Did my blood test tell you anything?"

"It was too early to tell."

"Then I ran away and you couldn't help me any more. I ran because I was scared and ashamed. If I had stayed, could you have done another test? Would you have known then?"

"Sorry, it was just too early for the test to show anything."

"Could you've helped me if I stayed?" When the doctor didn't say anything, Rachel knew she'd screwed up again. She buried her face in her hands. There _was_ something they could've done. "What? What could you've done?" Dr. Owens hesitated. He didn't to upset her more. Rachel looked up at him. "Please tell me. What could you've done?"

Even though she must have been petrified by this new situation, he could still see the determination on her face. It reminded him of that time months ago, when she made a similar request. She seemed desperate to have some control of her life.

"Perhaps we could've given you the morning after pill, a drug to stop a pregnancy."

Rachel lost all color in her face. For a moment, he was afraid she'd pass out again. "So I'm here, now, because I messed up, _again_. I keep messing up." She dropped her head down. Why did he have to save her? Why couldn't he have just let her die? Why did he waste so much time and energy to save her? Why did Richard have to find her on the beach? Why couldn't she have been strong enough to walk out into the water?

"I'm sorry," It was as if the doctor was reading Rachel's mind. "I'm sorry. I couldn't do what you're thinking.

"What are you talking about? How do you know what I'm thinking?"

"You're wondering why I didn't let you die that night?" Rachel quickly glanced over to him, indicating he was right. "I took an oath to try to save people but other than that, somehow I could tell you were a fighter."

"Do you know how tired I am of fighting? It seems like that's all I do. Everyday is a struggle to survive."

They quietly sat for a while. "We should go back. Your friend, Richard must be worried about you."

In silence, they walked back to the exam room. Rachel dreaded seeing her father again. She was sure there'd be more fighting, more arguments. Lately, it seemed like that was all they did.

Dr. Owens watched Rachel's eyes grow large with what they saw in the hallway outside the exam room. Her friend Richard stood there with another girl and two guys. They must be her friends.

Rachel went to them alone. When she got to Richard, he wrapped his arms around the distraught girl. He held her as she broke down. The others gathered around them, offering their support and comfort.

Dr. Owens smiled sadly as he watched their interactions. This girl might not have much when it came to blood family, but she had a great family with her friends. He knew that they'd help her through this.

* * *

Tense, Rachel sighed as sat in the waiting room. Hearing Rachel's sigh, Richard squeezed her hand for support. They shared a sad smile. The social worker was alright but she was glad he could come. Although, Rachel wondered if she should've asked Kori? Would the others have hurt feelings because she asked Richard? That was the least of her worries. Right now, she felt so close to Richard. It was only in a platonic way. Rachel knew could never be anything more than friendship between the two.

Glancing around the waiting room, she saw the other women, some at different stages of pregnancy, some already mothers, we're flipping through magazines or tending to their children. Rachel quickly looked down at the floor. She didn't belong here. She shouldn't be here. Please, let then be wrong. Please let this all be a mistake. Ple…

"Rachel Roth?" It was her turn to see the doctor. She looked to Richard, her eyes filled with panic.

"It's okay. You can do this." Rachel shook her head. She couldn't do this. Her friends told her she was stronger than she thought but they were wrong. She wasn't strong at all. She was weak just like her father had said. "Rachel, you can do this. I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere. When the exam is over and I can join you, I will. I'll be there. It'll be okay."

"Rachel Roth?"

"You can do this," repeated Richard. Rachel took a deep breath before she slowly got out of her seat. Richard gave her hand another squeeze of support. The social worker also gave her an encouraging smile. With his heart aching, Richard watched his friend follow the nurse. He hoped he sounded surer of things then he felt.

Before entering the exam room, Rachel made a silent request, please let them be wrong.

The nurse looked over Rachel's medical chart. "It looks like you're here for a pelvic exam and a sonogram." She handed Rachel a hospital gown. "Okay, Rachel, go ahead and put this on. Then sit on the exam table." Sensing Rachel's nervousness, she added, "Don't worry, it'll be okay. I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm going to get the doctor."

Closing the door, the nurse left Rachel alone. She looked around the room. There were posters of the phases of pregnancy on the was. She refused to look at those. Letting out a deep sigh, Rachel quickly changed into the flimsy hospital gown. She then laid down on the table. She stared up at the lights, hoping this was all a huge mistake. Trying to calm her nerves, she tried to meditate.

Rachel closed her eyes. She took in a deep, slow breath through her nose and slowly blew it out her mouth. As she did that, the teen focused on the soft human of the lights overhead. There was the occasional muffled sounds through the door, but for the most part, the small room was quiet. Rachel wouldn't say it was peaceful. Nothing about this was peaceful or pleasing. What was taking them so long? No, she didn't want to do this but since she had to, she just wanted to get it done.

The door opened causing Rachel to jump slightly. She sat up as three women entered the room, the doctor, the nurse and a blonde women. "Sorry to keep your waiting, Rachel. I'm Dr. Emily Lane. And this is Jessica. She's a sexual assault advocate."

"Hello, Rachel, I'm here to help you and answer any questions."

Rachel's brow furrowed. Did that mean everyone knew what happened to her? She never wanted the ones who did know to know.

"Don't worry, no one else knows what happened to you. I'm here to help you."

Dr. Lane asked, "Have you ever been to a gynecologist?" Rachel shook her head. "I'm going to do a pelvic exam to make sure you're all right."

"But," Rachel looked back and forth between the doctor and the blonde. "but it happened months ago."

"I still need to make sure you're all right. While I'm doing the exam, there might be some pressure but I promise I'll be as gentle as I can." The brunette doctor smiled kindly, "And I know it's easily said than done, but try not to worry."

The doctor instructed Rachel to lie back. A thin blanket was placed on her lap. Rachel stared at the ceiling as the nurse got her into position. The teen shuddered slightly. She felt so open and exposed. The last time she was that vulnerable, she'd been violated.

Again, Rachel's brow furrowed when the doctor explained what she was going to do. Taking in an uneasy breath, she tried to stay calm. But she didn't want to do this. She hated the thought of anyone, even a doctor, seeing her.

When the doctor touched her, Rachel's whole body tightened and tensed. No. She didn't want to do this.

"Rachel, sweetie, I need you to calm down. You need to relax. I'm not trying to hurt you. I understand that you were violated. And this might take you back to that but know that I'm not trying to hurt you."

"I'm here for you. You can hold my hand," suggested Jessica.

Gradually, Rachel made her body relax some. She grasped onto Jessica's hand and squeezed her eyes shut as the doctor continued with the exam. As promised, she was gentle but Rachel still hated it.

As a tear seeped out from under her lashes, Rachel was furious with herself. No. No. No. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. She was tired of crying. No more crying.

"Okay, I'm done." Rachel was grateful to put her legs down. The nurse helped her sit up.

"Am I okay?" Rachel was almost afraid to ask.

"There's only some minor scaring. But that shouldn't cause any problems."

Scaring? Did that mean someone would know what happened to her? "If I, um, was with someone, would he, uh, know?"

"Are you asking if a future partner would know by those scars that you'd been assaulted?" Embarrassed, Rachel looked away and nodded. "No one is going to know what happened to you just by looking or touch."

Rachel let out a sigh of relief. "I almost slept with a guy because I thought I should and as a way to forget everything, but I couldn't go through with it. I'm glad he wouldn't have known." The teen quickly added, "Not that anyone would want to be with me. But it's kind of nice knowing that there's not like a billboard or something down there announcing what happened to me."

Jessica took Rachel's hand in hers. "Rachel, you are a beautiful, young woman. I'm sorry someone hurt you in such an awful, cruel, heartless way. You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to have your self-esteem, your trust, your self worth shattered." How did she know how she felt? Rachel wiped away a tear that threatened to fall. Jessica continued, "Someday, in the future, when you're ready, you will decide to have a healthy sexual relationship with someone. And whether or not he or she knows about what happened to you will also be your choice, your decision."

"How do you know that? I'm …" ruined, thought Rachel but she couldn't say it.

"It'll take time for you to heal but you will heal. I did." Rachel looked at the blonde woman. What? Did that mean that she … "When I was in college, I was raped. It was very hard but with my family and friends, I survived. I now have a husband and three wonderful, though sometimes ornery, kids."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know." Rachel looked down. Even though this woman chose this line of work, Rachel felt guilty for making her think of her own rape.

"See? No one can tell just by looking at you. I like to think of us as rape survivors not rape victims. I survived this and so will you."

"Jessica is right. You've been brave and strong this long. You'll survive this." The doctor gave Rachel's hand and encouraging squeeze. "Now, we'll do the sonogram and we'll see where things stand."

Dr. Lane explained what she was going to do. Rachel breathed in sharply when the nurse put the petroleum jelly-like substance on Rachel's still fairly flat abdomen. "Sorry," said Dr. Lane, "it's a little cold. Now, let's see what we have." She pulled the monitor over to the table. She pressed the end of the wand against Rachel's abdomen and swirled it around.

At first, there was nothing. Rachel held on to the hope that they were all wrong. That there was a mistake. When the soft whooshing sound of a rapid heartbeat filled the room, Rachel's face crumpled. They weren't wrong. There wasn't a mistake. She was pregnant.

"It looks like you're about … That would make your due date …" Rachel couldn't focus on what the doctor was saying. She tried to follow her but that sound of the new heartbeat kept feeling her ears.

Rachel dissolved into tears. "No. I can't be pregnant."

"Rachel, I'm sorry."

"No. You don't understand. I'm only sixteen. I can't be pregnant." Wiping away her tears, Rachel shook her head. "I can't been pregnant. You're wrong, I can't …"

"I'm sorry, sweetie. Let's get you cleaned up and go into my office." Before the doctor turned off the monitor, Rachel caught a glimpse of the screen. She saw the ghostly outline of a baby. She quickly closed her eyes, but that image was seared into her mind.

Still trying to come to grips with what she'd just learned, Rachel wondered, "Could my friend, Richard, come? Please, he's been with me through much of this. And he'll help me stay calm."

"Okay, I'll send for him. You said his name is Richard?"

Rachel nodded, "Yes, Richard Grayson. Thank you."

Richard stared down at his hands as he nervously tapped his fingers together. He, like most people, hated doctor's offices but being in an obstetrician's office was very hard for him. However, he'd do anything for Rachel. He hoped she'd be all right. He was surprised when a nurse tapped him on the shoulder. "Richard Grayson?"

He looked up concerned. "Is Rachel okay? Is she already done?"

"We just finished. Rachel's changing but she wants you to be with her. Come on, follow me." Richard uncomfortably followed the nurse through the doorway. When he entered the office, he thought Rachel looked so small and scared. He hated that he's seen her like that before. It reminded him a little of when he found her on the beach and she ended up telling him about the rape.

Seated next to Rachel in the doctor's office, Richard said, "She took a home pregnancy test and it was negative. I saw it. It _was_ negative. How could she be pregnant now?"

"Do you know what kind of test it was?" Richard shook his head. "Rachel?" Rachel distractedly looked up from her hands. "Rachel, do you know what kind of home pregnancy test you used?"

"I don't know. I just grabbed one."

"When did you use it? Maybe you took it too early?"

"I don't know."

Richard tried to figure it out. "Um, Rachel told me soon after valentine's day. A couple weeks after that she was scared she might be pregnant."

"Okay, so that would mean you were about nine weeks along. The test should've been positive. Did you follow the directions?"

"I …think so. I-I don't know. Did I mess up again?"

"Rachel, you didn't mess up. This is not your fault. I'm just trying to figure why the test gave a false negative."

"I don't know. I wasn't feeling right. I knew that bas… er, monster didn't use …" everyone knew what Rachel was saying. "I got scared and went to Richard for help. I just grabbed a test. I thought I did it right but I don't know. I'd never done one before."

"It's okay, I'm just trying to figure out what happened. Most tests have a wait time of four or five minutes. Did you wait long enough?"

"I-I think so."

Richard remembered Kori barging into his room. "There was an interruption about the time when the time was up."

"Did you look at the test awhile after the time was up?"

"Yeah, I think I looked at it a minute or two later Did those few minutes make a difference?"

"I'm sorry, Rachel, for most tests if you wait too long to see the results, they go to a negative. That must've been what happened. You saw the results after it switched from positive to negative. I'm sorry."

Rachel wiped her eyes. "You don't have to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't mess up like I did."

"Rachel, this isn't your fault. You didn't know. You shouldn't been put in this position in the first place."

Rachel stared at the desk. Dr. Lane was talking but Rachel wasn't listening. Was this a little like how people feel when they're told they have cancer or a life-threatening disease? Maybe not? What she had wasn't life-threatening. It was just life altering. But she felt almost like her life was ending, again. She was getting to a new normal. Now she had _this ...thing_ growing inside her. He put that parasite inside her. She didn't want it. She couldn't want it. She wanted _nothing_ to do with him.

"Rachel? Rachel? Are you all right?"

Rachel looked up with tears in her eyes. She didn't even realize she'd been crying. "I can't be pregnant."

Richard was worried about Rachel. He didn't know how much more his friend could take.

* * *

Rachel sighed as she got into the car. So much had happened in one afternoon. She was tired of everything. Most of all, Rachel was tired of crying. She and the social worker had just come from the police station. There, Rachel filed an official statement. It wasn't easy voicing what Slade did to her. Her throat was sore after giving her statement. It was almost as if those words grated along her throat.

Another sigh, "So, what happens now?"

"Are you wondering about you and where you'll go?" asked Mrs. Fortner, Rachel's new and permanent social worker. Rachel nodded. "Well, since your mother gave your father custody and she lives out of town, you can't stay with her, at least not yet. And since your father and stepmother were arrested, you'll have to go into foster care."

"But I've been taking care of myself lately. Couldn't I keep doing that? You could keep checking in on me."

"I'm sorry, Rachel, you can't do that. You're a minor. You'll have to go into foster care."

Rachel didn't know why Trigon and Laura were arrested. Maybe it was because their abusive and neglecting ways were catching up with them? Maybe someone discovered that it was true that Trigon hired Slade to go after her? Maybe there was a fight at the hospital after she ran away from them? Rachel told herself she didn't care.

However, when she learned about their arrests, she was hit with a pang of guilt. Rachel didn't know why she felt guilty. She didn't _make_ them hurt her, but she still felt responsible. Ironically, if Trigon hadn't been so eager to control his daughter, they probably wouldn't be in these situations.

The teen wrapped her arms around herself. She wished she could stay with one of her friends but she understood that she couldn't. Now that her secret was out and she'd learned that she was pregnant, Rachel doubted that they'd want her. She frowned. It seemed no one really wanted her.

Rachel had no choice but to comply. She was sixteen, pregnant and had no place to go.

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 **Thanks for reading. Please review.**


	40. Chapter 40: Monster

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews**

 **To S… – Sorry for the intrusion. I shouldn't have done that but I freaked out and panicked. I needed someone to "talk to". I don't want anyone to tell me what to do but I do want someone to tell me what to do. I know, I make no sense. I'm sorry.**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Skillet or these lyrics.**

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 **Chapter: 40 Monster**

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 **"No one can … / Stop this monster!" – Monster Skillet**

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"I did it," laughed Laura DeMille, "I did it."

"What did you do?"

Laura propped herself up on her elbow. She'd forgotten that she wasn't alone. Should she tell what she'd done? Or should she keep everything to herself and secret? She considered her options. She _should_ probably stay quiet, but what the hell. This was probably the only time she could share her story and not get in trouble for it. It would be this woman's word against hers. If need be, Laura would deny everything.

"What did I do? I destroyed a family," Laura smiled as she said that. It was true. She'd destroyed a family. She reasoned with herself that that family needed to be destroyed.

"What? Who? How? Why? Why would you do that?" said the woman in the adjoining jail cell.

"Don't worry. I didn't kill them. They're not dead. They're just shattered. All their hopes and dreams are shattered."

"Then, what did you do?"

As Laura began her story, she was transported back in time …

 _Laura couldn't stop smiling. She'd just had the perfect day. She looked over at the passenger side. The dark-haired little girl was sound asleep. Laura was sure she was dreaming about their day at the beach._

 _Laura couldn't believe she was so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Gemma was a miniature version of Laura. She loved to sing and dance just as her mother did. Laura hoped when Gemma was older she'd still be interested in those things. She hoped they could become a mother daughter team. Whether it was as teachers or an act, Laura didn't know. She just knew she wanted to be close to her amazing daughter._

 _Tucking a lock of dark hair behind her daughter's ear, Laura didn't see that traffic was slowing down. She noticed just in time to slam on the breaks. They jolted slightly in the car but they were all right. Gemma didn't even wake up._

 _Traffic continued but at a slower pace. Laura wondered what the hold up was. Had there been any accident? If there had been, Laura hoped everyone was okay. At the slower pace, Laura could reminisce about their day. As a single mother, she didn't often get the time to spend a whole day like they had, let alone a whole holiday. Having some time off, they flew from France and holidayed in California._

 _Laura had given up acting and singing when she learned she was expecting. Her child was a result of a one night stand but she didn't care. She'd always wanted children. She only thought she would've gone the traditional route. She'd hoped she'd be married or at least with someone steady. It didn't matter to her that the guy left her on her own. She'd gotten the love of her life, her daughter._

 _Laura was grateful for her mother's help. Maybe they were the new modern version of a family? While her mother watched her young daughter, Laura started teaching. If she couldn't share her talents as she had, on the stage, then she'd share them in a classroom. She got the best of both worlds that way._

 _The dark-haired woman smiled to herself. Her life was perfect. She couldn't think of anything that she'd change. She couldn't ask for any more._

 _Laura waved to the dark-haired girl in the car in front of them. Gemma and that little girl had played together on the beach. Laura knew that little girl's father was Trigon Roth but she didn't know anything else about them. Laura never even spoke to that girl's parents. She didn't see the need to, it was just a fun day at the beach building sandcastles._

 _If they lived closer, Laura wondered if the two girls would become friends. Laura motioned for the girl in the car ahead of them to sit down and buckle her seat belt. The little girl gave one last wave before she did._

 _Laura went back to thinking about how she wouldn't change a thing about her life. Seeing a sign for a rest stop ahead, Laura wondered if she should wake her daughter. Would Gemma be hungry or have to go to the bathroom? Laura didn't know when the next stop would be._

 _Laura reached for Gemma to wake her up when the whole world stopped. Or did it explode?_

 _Metal on metal._

 _Screeching!_

 _Screaming!_

 _Could metal scream? What ever it was, the sound was deafening._

 _Laura saw nothing but bright white light followed by complete darkness._

 _Pain!_

 _Pain everywhere!_

 _The pain was so intense that Laura didn't know where it came from._

 _Laura was vaguely aware of her body, or was it her spirit, being lifted._

 _"Gem-ma …"_

 _54321 -_

 _Gradually, Laura became aware. She didn't know where she was. She couldn't even open her eyes to see where she was. Her eyelids were too heavy. She felt a hint of pain but she couldn't pinpoint where that pain was. Was it her head or her whole body. What was wrong? She felt like the pain was masked by drugs. What was wrong?_

 _Laura started to wake up. This time, she could open her eyes enough to see that she was in a hospital room. What was wrong? What happened? Exhausted, Laura fell asleep._

 _When Laura woke up again, she noticed that she was connected to monitors, there were tubes. What happened? Where was Gemma? Who was looking after her? Had she been in to see her? Gemma must be so scared. Laura wanted to stay awake to see a nurse or doctor but she was so tired._

 _Laura opened her eyes was surprised to see someone. It was a nurse. She'd help her. She'd tell her where her daughter was._

 _"Gemma?" Laura's voice surprised her. It sounded so gravelly, not lyrical like it had. "Where's …Gemma?"_

 _"I'll go get the doctor."_

 _The doctor checked Laura's vital signs. "Where's Gemma? Where's my daughter?"_

 _"I'm sorry."_

 _"What happened? Was she hurt? Is she at another hospital?"_

 _"I'm sorry. There was an accident."_

 _"Where is my daughter?"_

 _"I'm very sorry. Your daughter didn't make it."_

 _What! No! "No, you're wrong. Where is my daughter?"_

 _"Ms. DeMille, I am very sorry. Your daughter is …"_

 _No! No! No! "No! No! No!"_

 _It took several nurses and a sedative to calm Laura._

 _Later, Laura told everyone what they wanted to hear, that she was alright. Truth was, her grief went to her soul. Her heart ached for her daughter. She never got to say goodbye to her._

 _Laura had learned that there was a car accident. The car behind hers slammed into her, pushing her into the car ahead of them. Laura's car was sandwiched between the two. Emergency personal arrived on the scene almost immediately._

 _The driver of the car that hit them was severely injured. In the car ahead of Laura's, no one was hurt, just shaken up. In Laura's car, Laura's head hit the steering wheel. She had a massive head injury. Unfortunately, her daughter was killed instantly. There was no helping her. Laura and the other injured person were life-flighted to the nearest hospital, where the driver of that other car didn't make it._

 _Laura learned that she had been in a drug induced coma for weeks. The swelling in her brain needed to go down before they could bring her out of it. She hated the doctors and nurses. Why hadn't they let her die? That way she could still be with her daughter._

 _Once out of the hospital, Laura was in limbo. She didn't know what to do or where to go. Her head still hurt from time to time. She knew she should go back to France, her mother would help her heal. But Laura didn't want to leave her daughter._

 _At her daughter's grave, Laura said goodbye. She promised that she visit her as often as she could. Her eyes narrowed. She also promised that she'd get revenge for her daughter's death. She didn't know who she'd target but she wanted someone to pay._

* * *

"I went back home to France. I was right about my mother helping me. After she passed away, I was completely on my own. Something I'd never been. Ma mère had always been a part of my life. And I never thought I'd be without my daughter."

"What did you do?" the other woman asked as she leaned against the jail cell. "Didn't you say you wanted to get revenge?"

Laura nodded. Pleased that she had a an interested audience, she continued. "I had to learn what my next step was. It took a while but finally remembered that the Roths were in the car ahead of me. I did some research. Turned out there were complications with their marriage. They ended up getting divorced. I still didn't know what I wanted to do. So they were divorced, now what?

I decided to move to the states but I had to make enough money to do that. Even though it sometimes gave me incredible headaches, I took up acting again along with teaching. All the while, I kept researching the Roths. Trigon Roth had become a wealthy business man. He and his daughter moved here to Jump City. His ex-wife was in another city in a mental hospital. That might have been enough for some people. Knowing that their family had fallen apart."

"But that wasn't enough for you? You wanted revenge. So, what did you do?"

"Like I said, I needed money to move here. And I didn't want just enough to get by. I needed enough so I was, or at least looked like it was well off. That took a while. I've only lived here are few years. But I've used my time wisely. I learned that Mr. Trigon Roth has quite a temper and is a ruthless business man. He had a teenage daughter to raise so he didn't date too much. Lucky for me though, when I came into his life, he was ready to date."

"Did you tell him about your past? Did you tell him about your daughter?"

"I told him the basics of my past but I knew he'd research me. He just seemed like that type of guy. He didn't trust anyone. I did tell him the truth about my daughter." Laura wiped a tear away. "He held me as I cried. I told him everything."

"Wasn't he suspicious that you were with him now?"

"There was another accident on that road that day. Since he knew nothing about me then, he'd have no way of knowing which accident I was involved in. He never knew he had an involvement with my tragedy. Somehow, my vulnerability made me more appealing to him. Only I wasn't as vulnerable as he thought. He never knew I was targeting him."

"You said he had a temper. I heard a few months ago that he was accused of abusing his daughter or something. Weren't you afraid of him?"

"Yes, Trigon has a terrible temper. And he did take things out on his daughter, but never me. There were a few times when I had to intervene. I'd help the girl until I remembered that even though she was abused, she was living while my Gemma wasn't." Laura's eyes narrowed. "I kept my promise for revenge close. Sometimes, I felt like I was two people in one body. I perfectly played the part of a lover, a future wife, future stepmother. All the while, I was plotting and scheming against my new family."

Laura thought back to hiring Slade and what he supposedly did to Rachel. Maybe that was a step too far? "Some would think what had happened to his family so far should've been enough for revenge. If I wanted to hurt him more, I could've left him. But that wasn't enough. I wanted to destroy him and his family. They walked away from that accident without a scratch, while my life was forever changed. I wanted him to lose what I'd lost. He needed to lose his livelihood, his business and his daughter, like I had."

"But, you said no one died. How would he lose his daughter like you did, if you didn't kill her?"

"Things," Laura grinned a wicked grin, "out of my control, have turned in my favor. His daughter's life has been turned upside down. She's sixteen and just learned today that she's pregnant. She says it's because she was raped but I don't know. Teenagers these days are so overly sexual. I think she got in over her head and panicked.

"When Trigon learned about the pregnancy, he tore into his daughter. He called her every name in the book. He all but disowned her, saying she was a disgrace." Laura's grin disappeared. "His daughter is alive and for the most part well but he abuses her every chance he gets. I wouldn't be pleased that my daughter was sixteen and pregnant but I'd support her. In fact, if gladly trade places with him. That would mean my Gemma was alive."

The other woman considered what Laura just said. "That's how you're getting your revenge. Your husband's life is falling apart and you're just going to stand by and watch."

Laura's grin appeared again. "You're close. My husband is losing his 'good name'. His business, that he built, will probably fall apart."

While Laura spoke, Trigon, after hours of interrogation, was locked in a jail cell. He was angry and worried. If Slade did hurt his daughter like she said he did and Slade turned on him, what would happen? Would they believe Slade over him? It was Slade's word against his.

"I don't know much about Trigon's ex-wife, but she seems to be mentally sensitive," added Laura. "She seems prone to panic attacks and is paranoid that her ex is out to hurt her. Why would a mother leave her daughter with someone like her ex?"

While Raúl drove them to Jump City, Angela tried to stay calm. She'd never been more terrified or felt more helpless than when she got that call from someone from child protective services. Her daughter had been abused, raped and was pregnant. How could she have left Rachel with him?

Laura shook her head. "I don't know what will become of my stepdaughter. She has her whole life ahead of her but she's just throwing it away. If my Gemma was alive, she'd be so much more than a moody, sulky teenager. I think that's what hurts me the most. This girl's alive but not living and my Gemma's not."

Rachel pulled the covers to her chin. She stared into the dark at the ceiling. She had no idea what would happen next. What would happen to her? Exhausted, but strangely too tired to sleep. Rachel stayed awake most of the night, but found no answers.

Laura laid back down. She sighed. "I should've probably sought help back when I first lost my daughter. If I had, I probably would've curbed my need for revenge. I know that this burning need for revenge isn't good for me. And if Trigon ever found out that I targeted him, I'm probably dead. But I don't care. I needed something to keep me living."

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 **Thanks for reading. Please review.**


	41. Chapter 41: Open Wounds

**Thank you to those who reviewed.**

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 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Skillet or these lyrics.**

 **Chapter: 41 Open Wounds**

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 **"How could …/ …hate me? / …be was you? / How could …/ …love me? / …gave me …open wounds?" – Open Wounds, Skillet**

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Rachel laid in her temporary bed. She stared up at the ceiling. Her blood still boiled when she thought of her mother in that courtroom. She was furious with her. Angry tears filled Rachel's eyes. She quickly wiped them away. No. She wouldn't cry. She didn't want to cry. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop her thoughts from drifting back to the courtroom…

…Rachel nervously glanced around the small courtroom. It wasn't the main courtroom where trials were held. That didn't matter to Rachel. She didn't want to be there. She didn't know what would happen. She didn't know where she'd end up. They wouldn't send her back to her father, would they? Would they have Laura watch over her? But wasn't Laura also arrested?

Hearing the courtroom door open and close, Rachel didn't bother to look. As the others discussed here future, Rachel didn't know whether she want to focus on what they said or ignore them. Either way, she wasn't doing a good job. She heard bits and pieces of what was said. It seemed if no one came forward for her, she'd go into foster care. And so far, it seemed that no one wanted her.

"Excuse me, your honor? Could I say something?" Rachel turned and was surprised to see her mother. How did she know about this?

"And you are …?"

"I'm Rachel's mother."

"Go on, Mrs. Roth."

"Actually," Angela looked nervously over to her daughter, "it's Surillo." Rachel's eyes widened. She saw Raúl standing beside Angela. So they were married. When had that happened? Rachel liked Raúl well enough that day she met him but she didn't know anything about him. She hoped he was good to her mother. "Your honor, I would like to have custody of my daughter. I could provide a good, stable home for her. My new husband and I would help her." Rachel looked hopeful at the judge. Maybe there was hope for her?

The judge looked through some papers. After he read some, he looked at Angela. "Mrs. Surillo, didn't you give up custody of your daughter a few years ago?"

"Yes," Angela sounded worried or uncertain, "but I can explain that."

"Please do."

"My first husband, Rachel's father, Trigon Roth, forced me to give up custody of our daughter."

"How could he force you?" Rachel also wondered about that.

Angela took a moment before speaking. She hoped Rachel would understand that she did what she had to, to protect her. "Things started years before, it was a few years after Rachel was born. Things were bad between Trigon and me. It started with emotional abuse. He belittled me every chance he could. He made me question everything, from my clothes and what I cooked for dinner to how I was raising Rachel. Gradually, he began verbally abusing me. He was constantly yelling at me. I never imagined things would turn physical but it did. When the physical abuse started it was just grabbing my arm or pushing me. It wasn't serious."

Rachel stared at her mother in amazement. Her story, her experiences echoed her own. Rachel could've been the one sharing this.

"Your husband was abusive, yet you stayed. Did he ever hurt your daughter?"

"No," Angela shook her head, "no, I wouldn't let him hurt Rachel. He would sometimes mock her crying during our fights but he didn't hurt her." Yes he did, though Rachel. That was when she started to lose trust in her father.

"Why did you stay?"

Angela looked down. She knew the judge wouldn't understand; he couldn't. No one who hadn't been abused could understand why she stayed. "I didn't think I had a choice. Trigon was very controlling. He craved control …and fear. He thrived on my fear." Rachel stared at her mother. He was the same way with her. If her mother knew how her father was, why did she leave her with him? "He always apologized for hurting me. He promised he'd never hurt me again." She stopped, realizing how foolish she sounded. Frowning, Angela continued, "Your honor, in the beginning, I was stupid. I believed him. I thought my love could change him. But as the abuse got worse, I became terrified of my own husband."

"I still don't understand why you stayed. Why didn't you take your daughter and leave your abusive husband? Things might be different if you had."

Glancing at her daughter, Angela sighed. "I realize that, your honor. I'm tormented by the thought that if I'd done things differently, I could've saved Rachel from suffering. I, I did try to leave him. I came up with a plan to sneak away when he was at work, but somehow he figured out or sensed what I was planning on doing. He started working from home. He rarely left me alone. He would let me run errands but I had a time limit and I could never take Rachel with me. If I ever took too long on those errands or spent too much, I suffered the consequences."

"What were those consequences?" The judge had his suspicions but he had to know for sure. Thinking back to one of her nightmares, Rachel also thought she knew what happened to her mother. Her heart ached for her.

"He, he would beat me."

"No one ever saw any signs of the abuse?"

Angela fought back tears. Rachel also had tears in her eyes. Even though Rachel didn't remember it, she knew what her mother had been through. They'd both suffered the same abuse. "He was always careful not to hit my face. He wouldn't leave a bruise anywhere where someone would see it. I constantly wore long sleeves and pants, no matter what the weather was like. Besides, I didn't have any friends I could turn to. He'd made sure of that. And I couldn't turn to my family. Thanks to him, I'd burned those bridges when I married him. I was alone," Angela closed her eyes for a moment, "just the way he wanted me.

"Then, one day, Trigon confronted me about leaving. He seemed so sad, wondering why I'd want to leave him. I was terrified but he actually listened as I told him that I loved him but we weren't right for each other anymore. He seemed to understand what I was saying. I didn't mention the abuse. But I did say it couldn't be healthy for him to be so angry all the time. And I seemed to do nothing but make him angry.

"He surprised me when he softly said I could go, I could leave him. I was sad that our marriage couldn't work but I was relieved. Rachel and I would be safe. But then he said I couldn't take Rachel. He said it was my choice, I could stay and have my daughter or I could leave, alone. That was an impossible decision. How could I leave without her? But I knew, in the back of my mind, I knew he'd kill me if I stayed."

Rachel stood. Her eyes blazed with fury. "But you did leave me. How could you! You knew what he was capable of doing. You knew he was abusive but you left me with him!"

"No, no, I didn't want to leave you."

"But you did."

Angela had trouble holding back her tears. How could she explain that he'd forced her to leave? "I didn't want to leave you."

Rachel glowered at her mother. "All those things you said, just now, I could've been saying that. He did those same things to me. I found you because I thought you might want me."

"I did, I do."

"That day in the park, when I found you, you turned your back on me. You didn't act like you wanted me."

"But I did. Like I said, I do want you. I, that day in the park, I got scared. I thought your father had followed you. You don't understand how terrified I am of him. He always swore if …"

"…if the secret of his abuse ever got out, he'd kill you." Angela stared at her daughter in disbelief. Had she overheard that? "I know that because he made that promise to me. This past school year has been hell for me. I don't know why things got worse. Maybe it was because I got friends and he thought I was telling them things? Maybe he thought I was getting too independent? Maybe it was because I was resembling you more and more?"

Angela's heart broken for her daughter. "Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry you went through that."

Angrily wiping away her tears, Rachel fumed. "He controlled me because you left. You might've stayed in the beginning to be with me, but in the end you couldn't stay. Did you even try to leave him and take me with you?"

"Rachel, I …" Angela's voice trailing. Again, she didn't know how she'd explain how her ex-husband had forced her to take those sleeping pills.

"I didn't think so," scoffed Rachel.

"Rachel, please, believe me. I didn't want to leave you. I love you."

"You love me?" With her eyes practically red with rage, Rachel pulled up her sleeve, showing her mother her arm. Angela's eyes widened at the sight of the white scars scratched across her daughter's arm. Had Trigon done this to her or had she done this to herself? "Rachel?"

"Da-," Rachel shook her head, she wouldn't call that man her father, "Trigon started this but I've continued. Do you even care why I do it?"

"Rachel, sweetie, why would you hurt yourself like that, especially if your father was hurting you?"

The teen's voice was no longer angry. Her voice was flat. She sounded defeated. "I do it because I think I should be punished for ruining YOUR life. The only reason I could think of to why you'd try to kill yourself was that you hated me. During arguments, then beatings, he'd say that you didn't want me. I thought he blamed me for losing you. If you didn't want me, why didn't you give me up?"

"Oh, sweetie, Rachel, I didn't want to leave you. I always wanted you and loved you. "

"But you left me."

…Rolling onto her side, Rachel tried to push away the wave of nausea that came over her. It wasn't morning sickness. Her doctor, Dr. Lane, said that she was probably passed that stage by now. Rachel was simply sickened by her situation.

Placing a hand on her lower abdomen, Rachel didn't feel any different. She didn't _feel_ pregnant. But how was that supposed to feel? What was going to happen to her?

Rachel rolled back on to her back and sighed. What was going to happen to her? The judge said that Rachel would stay in foster care until or unless Angela's siblings came for her. Rachel didn't even know her mother had siblings. If they didn't want her, would she be bounced from one foster family to another for the next few years? The teen sighed again. She hated her life.

* * *

Angela paced in their Jump City hotel room. "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I really screwed up."

" _You_ didn't do anything wrong," said Raúl, trying to calm down his wife, "your ex did."

"But Rachel's going into the foster care system. I've heard of stories about kids getting lost in the system. What if that happens? What if I lose Rachel forever? What if I already have?"

"You haven't lost her and you're not going to lose her. Your daughter's hurting, scared and angry. That's why she lashed out at you. You were an easy, safe target."

"You really think so?"

"I used to lash out some at my mother's cousin. He took me in after me in after my father left with my brother. Edmundo was more like an uncle than a second cousin to me. Actually, he was more like a father to me than my old man ever was. Edmundo would let me lash out, within reason, because he knew I had to blow off some steam. He also knew I couldn't confront my father, even if I wanted to." They were quite a moment, thinking about what he'd just said. Angela hoped her new husband was right. "Didn't the judge say one of your siblings could take in Rachel?"

Angela sighed, "I haven't talked to any of them for years. I think it's been …maybe fifteen or sixteen years, maybe longer. I don't even know if they're still in the area."

"Is there some way for you to find out? It'd probably be easiest and best if Rachel stayed in the family."

"Guess I could call my mother. She'd know where everyone is."

* * *

Angela nervously ran her hand through her hair. She sat in the car in the driveway of her childhood home. In her mind, she tried to rehearse what she'd say to her mother. It felt more like a job interview than a visit with her mother.

"You'll do fine," said Raúl, giving her hand an encouraging squeeze. "Want me to come with you?"

Biting her lips, Angela shook her head. "No, I think I should talk to her on my own. Well …here goes nothing."

Angela tried to control the butterflies in her stomach. She hadn't seen her mother in years. The last time they spoke was soon after Rachel was born. Angela didn't even get to go to her father's funeral. Her father died soon after Angela had "attempted suicide". She was able to send a card, but she'd always felt guilty for not saying goodbye. She might have disagreed with him but he was her father. A part of her would always love him.

Getting out of the car, thanks to her nerves, Angela thought she might get sick. She forced herself to calm down. It didn't matter what or how she felt. She had to do this for Rachel. She'd let her down too much. If she wanted to be her mother, then she'd better start acting like one.

Standing at the front door, Angela took a deep breath. She let it out slowly before she knocked.

The door slowly opened. Angela was glad she'd called her mother before just dropping by. If she'd just showed up, there was a chance her mother wouldn't see her. That was still a possibility, but Angela had to take that chance. "Hello, mom."

"Angela." Jane, Angela's mother looked just as her daughter remembered, only older. Her hair surprised Angela the most. She remembered her mother having dark hair like herself. Jane Madsen now had completely white hair.

"May I come in?"

"Yes. I'm not about to get into things on the front porch for the neighbors to watch." Angela had to resist the urge to sigh. Her mother's tone hadn't seemed to change. Angela felt like she'd been transported to being a teenager again.

Following her mother into the living room, she studied the house. Not much had changed in all those years. The walls still had the same floral wallpaper. The furniture hadn't moved or changed. There was still the vase her and her siblings glued back together after breaking. She wondered if the bathroom still had that strange pink tile on the walls.

"What's wrong?" Jane asked as she sat on the sofa, "What do you need?"

Angela cautiously sat on the loveseat. She hoped her mother would be able to help. "Um, mom, I, uh, I need your help. Actually, my daughter needs your help."

"That's right, you had a daughter. Does she run wild like you did? Is that why you need my help?"

"Mom, no, it's nothing like that. Rachel's a good kid. She doesn't deserve what she's going through. She needs your help."

Jane looked at her daughter. What was she talking about? "Why don't you just go to that husband of yours for help?"

"Mom, Trigon and I aren't together anymore. We divorced a few years ago." Angela knew her mother didn't approve of divorce but that couldn't be helped.

"I assumed you were married when I saw the ring on your finger."

Angela smiled for the first time since entering her childhood home. "I am married, to a wonderful, caring man. Raúl, that's his name, he's so patient with me."

Furrowing her brows, Jane asked, "When and why did you get divorced? Wasn't Trigon the man of your dreams?"

"Mom, I was a stupid, naïve girl when I met Trigon. I, I thought he loved me, but I know now he only wanted someone to control. He controlled me." Angela took a deep breath before she continued, "When I tried to leave him, I, uh, I ended up in a mental hospital."

"A mental hospital? Why? What happened?"

Angela hesitated. Would her mother be angry with her? She'd just have to take that chance. She needed her mother's help if she was going to help Rachel. Angela tried to hold back the tears as she explained how her first husband forced her to take sleeping pills.

When her daughter said that Trigon threatened her with a gun, Jane was alarmed and distressed. She never imagined that her daughter's life would turn out this way. "So, you're saying he tricked you into attempting suicide? You know how wrong suicide is."

"He didn't just trick me, he forced me. I think he wanted it to work. I think he wanted to get rid of me."

"Instead, he forced you into a mental hospital?"

"Mom, I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to leave my daughter, but I didn't see that I had a choice."

Jane sat quietly as what her daughter had reveled to her went through her mind. If she hadn't been so hard-headed, she might have been able to help her daughter. Perhaps, Angela wouldn't have married to that menacing man in the first place.

"When your father died, were you in the hospital?"

"Yes. Trigon did come to tell me that daddy died. I begged him to let me go to the funeral, but he refused. He said it was for my well-being as well as Rachel's that I stayed in there. I have mixed feelings about why he told me about daddy. I was grateful to know, but on the other hand, it tormented me to know that I couldn't be there for you guys and to say goodbye. I can't believe I ever loved that man. I'm sorry I was so stupid."

"Enough of that." Jane couldn't stand to hear her daughter put herself down. "You were not stupid. Like you said, you were naïve and he took advantage of that. And, I'm sure sorry you felt you needed to run from us or that you couldn't come to us."

"Mom, it's not your fault. We just didn't get along. That was nobody's fault."

"You said that you've remarried? I'd like to meet him sometime."

"Really?" Jane nodded. She hoped that her daughter was truly happy. "He's waiting in the car. If you want, I could bring him in?" Again, Jane nodded.

Angela felt hopeful when she went to the door. She called for Raúl. He seemed surprised that she wanted him to come in. He hoped her smile meant that things were going well.

She reached for her husband's hand. "She wants to meet you."

They entered the living room together. "Mom, this is Raúl. Raúl, this is my mom, Jane."

Raúl shook hands with his wife's mother. "Nice to meet you, ma'am."

"I hope you're treating my daughter the way she deserves to be treated."

"Yes, ma'am. I know what she's been through and I love her. There's no way I'd hurt her."

After getting some refreshments, Jane asked, "What is the problem with my granddaughter?"

Clearly upset, Angela explained Rachel s situation. Jane was just as horrified as her daughter. Jane couldn't forgive herself for not reaching out to her daughter or granddaughter in all those years.

"Mom, it's not your fault. Even if you had been in our lives, he would have distanced us from you. He wanted us isolated. I didn't see that until it was too late."

Jane wiped her eyes. "What can I do to help my granddaughter now?"

* * *

After knocking, a woman poked her head into Rachel's room. "Good news, Rachel, we've contacted your aunt and you'll be living with her for a while. Later today, your social worker will take you over there."

Rachel muttered a thank you. She didn't know what to expect. She didn't even know how to feel. Should she feel excited, nervous, curious? Mostly, Rachel felt anxious. Her mother's family had turned away from Angela. Would they do the same to her? Yes, her aunt was taking her in, but how long would that last? It was like she'd be moving in with strangers. Would it have been better to be with total strangers, not relatives?

The teen didn't want to know how much worse her life could become. She didn't want to find out.

Late evening, Rachel went to her "room". She grabbed the backpack that was given to her. It held a few extra clothes, pajamas and sample-sized toiletries. She was grateful for the clothes even though most of them were used, they were still nice. She figured that her aunt would get her a few new things. But if she wasn't going to her aunt, she'd need these things at a new foster home. It was best to have them just in case.

As Rachel followed Mrs. Fortner, her social worker, the teen gripped the backpack strap as if it was her lifeline. She didn't know what to expect from her aunt. She didn't know anything about her except she lived here in Jump City. Who knew she had family so close?

Mrs. Fortner's car pulled up to a small, unassuming nut nice house. That house would be Rachel's new home for a while. She grabbed her bag and nervously followed the social worker up to the house. Rachel didn't know what to expect but she did know that she didn't want to be here, not in THIS situation.

Rachel stood to the side as Mrs. Fortner's and an average-height woman spoke. Rachel didn't want to let on that she was scared so she appeared bored or irritated. She wished she could've stayed with her friends. Thinking of her friends, Rachel wondered what their parents thought about her situation. Would they be mad at her? What if they would let them be friends anymore? Rachel's situation wasn't her fault but she'd heard of friends being forced apart because of a teenage pregnancy. Would that happen to them? She hoped not.

When her thoughts turned to her father, that surprised her. She knew he'd been arrested. Was he still in jail? Was that why he hadn't tried to contact her? Was he told he shouldn't? Rachel didn't want him to contact her. She didn't expect him to want her. He'd often said he didn't want her. Was he relieved to finally be done with her?

Mrs. Fortner interrupted Rachel's thoughts. "Rachel, this is your aunt, Maureen Walker. She and her husband, Norman, are going to be your foster parents for a while."

Truly looking at her aunt, Rachel thought she resembled her mother. That meant they resembled one another. There was no doubt that they were related. They shared the same dark hair. Her aunt's hair was pulled back in a severe bun. Her features were stern. Her eyes were sharp as she studied her niece.

Feeling uneasy under her aunt's critical gaze, Rachel said, "Uh, hi."

"Hello, Rachel."

Mrs. Fortner gave Rachel's hand and encouraging squeeze. "You'll do fine. I'll check in on you regularly." She turned to Maureen and thanked her for coming to her niece's aide.

After Maureen showed the social worker out, the woman who was in her late forties, maybe early fifties turned to the teen who was now in her care. "There are a few rules you need to know. There's no drinking, no smoking, no drugs and no sex in my house." Rachel cringed at the last restriction but Maureen didn't notice. "Not only do I not allow any of that under my roof, I don't allow those things, period. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes …ma'am."

The two females stood in silence. They both wondered if this was how it was always going to be. Maureen realized that Rachel's been through some things so it might take some time for her to open up. "Well it's late and you must be tired. I'll show you to your room." Rachel grabbed her bag and followed her through the small house.

In her new room, Rachel looked around. It was a typical guestroom: bed, nightstand, dresser, desk and bookshelf. She dropped her bag by the dresser. She was curious about the books on the bookshelf. She was checking out he titles when she heard the news on in the living room.

She quietly opened the door and listened. Rachel sighed. The news was still interested in her father and his arrest. She heard a reporter talking to someone in the neighborhood. The woman said that Trigon and Laura seemed normal, she wouldn't say they were friendly but they'd wave. The woman said she thought the daughter was different, always sulking and moody but she'd never suspected abuse or neglect happened in such a nice house.

Rachel shut the door. She'd already her heard too much. Were people sympathetic for her father? Why? How? She laid down on the bed. She stared up at the ceiling in the darkened room. She was tired but sleep eluded her. Too many thoughts crowded her mind. What was she going to do? How did this happen? She knew HOW, but WHY did this happen? Why did this have to happen to her? Hadn't she been through enough? When would she see her friends? Would she be able to see them? She didn't know if she was allowed to have any contact with anybody from her past. She didn't know why she wouldn't be able to but she's never been through anything like this.

She wiped the tears away from her eyes again.

Rachel's hand rested on her stomach. Her hands curled up into fists. She hissed into the dark room, "I don't want this. I don't want _it_!"

* * *

Rachel laid buried under the blanket. Little by little, she was aware of the birds singing outside the window. Slowly, she began to open her eyes. Why did everything look different? Rachel's eyes flew open. She remembered everything that happened. It wasn't a horrible nightmare. It was true, she's pregnant. She was living with her aunt. She had family outside her mother and father.

Rachel laid in bed for as long as her body would let her. Getting out of bed, she realized she should've gotten up earlier. She didn't remember where the bathroom was. After finding it, she returned to "her" room. The clock said it was almost eleven-thirty. Rachel didn't realize she'd slept so long.

Rachel timidly entered the kitchen where Maureen and a man were making lunch. The man was a bit taller than Maureen was. He was balding and had a beer belly. He looked as if he was around Maureen's age. Rachel guessed the man was Mr. Walker, her uncle. When he saw her, he said, "Hi, I'm Norman, Maureen's husband, your uncle. How'd you sleep?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Okay I guess. I didn't mean to sleep this long."

"Maureen says you got some surprising news the other day. That must've been a big shock to you."

Rachel glared at Maureen a second. "Yeah, it was." Not that it was unexpected Maureen would tell her husband things but Rachel hoped this woman didn't go around telling everyone her business.

"Oh, Mrs. Fortner, your social worker, was here this morning. You were still asleep and she said not to wake you. She said she'd see you tomorrow." Maureen nodded her head over her shoulder, indicating the things on the kitchen counter. "She brought over your prenatal vitamins." Seeing Rachel make a face, Maureen continued, "Like it or not, you're pregnant and you need to take care of that child you're carrying."

Rachel glared at Maureen. "I'm going to my …the room I'm staying in."

"Sit down young lady. You're not going anywhere until you've had something to eat. You're too skinny and that can't be healthy for your baby. Your father may have let you run wild but that not how it'll be around here."

As Rachel sat, she glared at the older woman for the third time within minutes. Aggravated, Rachel pecked at her sandwich. She didn't speak as the couple discussed that they missed church that morning and they'd have to find another time to go. Rachel knew she was the reason that they missed church but at the moment, she didn't care.

"I'm done. May I go now?"

"Take you vitamins first. You're old enough to take care of yourself. I shouldn't have to follow you around telling you what to do."

Rachel took the pills then asked, "Could I see my friends today?"

Norman took his head. "Today's Sunday, you can see them tomorrow."

Rachel didn't understand why she couldn't see her friends on a Sunday. She figured it was better not to ask. "May I go _now_?"

Maureen nodded and Rachel retreated to her room.

Angry, Rachel threw the bottle of pills to the corner of the room. She didn't want them. She didn't want to need them. She flopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She hated this. Why did her father have to hate her so much? With her eyes squeezed shut, she growled softly, "I never wanted any of this."

Later that day, Rachel wandered through the living room. She studied the photographs. There were pictures of a girl and two boys. They were frozen in time at various ages. They all had dark hair like she did. The boys were older, they looked like twins. Looking at the most current photos, Rachel smiled. The guys looked a little like Adam Levine from Maroon 5.

"That's Christopher and Joey and Paula." Rachel jumped. "Sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"That's okay."

Studying the pictures, Maureen smiled. "They're now scattered around the state. I'm glad they're relatively close by. Christopher's a police officer. He and his wife had a baby a few months ago. My first grandchild."

"Um, congratulations." Rachel didn't know what else to say. Her aunt looked more relaxed talking about her children. Rachel learned that Joey was an artist and Paula was continuing college to become a veterinarian.

Maureen left her niece alone. As Rachel studied the pictures, she thought about how she had cousins, she had a family. She didn't know if her uncles had kids. But she did have an extended family beyond the fortress her father had built. Things would have been so different if she'd known about them, if they'd known about her. She might have had a chance if she hadn't been so isolated. Rachel hated her father even more.

It was Tuesday afternoon when Maureen finally lets Rachel go see her friends. Rachel called Richard and asked if he could call the others. They were going to meet at Chambers Park.

Rachel was on edge as she walked to the park. She didn't know what to expect. A small part of her is afraid that they'd reject her. They've given her no reason to think that, they've supported her through everything. They were supportive at the hospital when she got her horrible news. Still, a part of her brain went directly to the negative side of things. Rachel wondered if that was her father's side of her.

Somehow, even though she walked slowly, Rachel was the first to arrive at the park. She walked over to the picnic tables and sat down. She wondered where they were. After a few minutes, she checked her watch, they were late. Maybe they weren't coming. Richard's been great. He's been supportive but …maybe they're getting tired of her constant string of problems. Maybe they were trying to decide if they should stay friends with her.

As those thoughts went through Rachel's head she watched a woman and toddler stroll through the park. Tears welled up in the sad teen's eyes. "Guess that'll be me next year." She wiped her eyes then folded her arms across the picnic table. She rested her chin on her arms. "When did everything get so screwed up?"

"Rachel?"

Rachel turned around and saw all four of her closest friends standing there. They looked concerned.

"You came."

"Sorry we're late." Vic explained, "We were all at my house when you called Richard. We were wondering how and when we'd get to see you. We were slowed down by an accident on the way here, it took us awhile to get around that."

"I thought you weren't coming. I was afraid you were mad at me. I swear, I didn't know this was happening."

"We know that. We are not mad at you. We could not be. We are mad at that evil ' _DRITTSEKK_ *' who did this to you." Kori wrapped her arms around Rachel and gave her a gentle version of her trademark hugs. "I am so very sorry, Rachel."

Even though Kori's hug was a lighter version, it was still too much for the troubled teen. As she gasped for air, Rachel wondered were her friend got such strength. "Uh, Kori, please …"

Releasing her friend, Kori apologized again for a different reason. "I am sorry. I do not wish to harm you when you are in, um, this condition."

"Don't worry about it, Kor. It looks like I'm stuck with _it_."

The five friends stood there looking at one another. All of them were aware of the awkwardness. Gar was the first one to break the silence. "Sooo, how're you feeling? Have you been having, you know, morning sickness or something?"

"I guess I'm feeling normal, I don't know. I think I'm passed the morning sickness. I don't really know what happens next. Do any of you know?"

They all realized that they were all only children except Kori. She was the baby of the family. None of them had been around an expectant mother for an extended time. No one knew what Rachel should expect.

Gar said the only thing he knew about pregnancies, "I know elephants are pregnant for over twenty months."

Vic shoved Gar slightly. "Man, that's not helping."

"Dude. That's what I know about having babies. I don't know anything."

Vic muttered, "You got that right."

"Du-ude."

Ignoring them, Rachel continued, "I kind of feel like I'm in that movie, Alien. I have this THING growing inside me. I've actually had nightmares that times speeds up and I'm full term in just a few weeks. That's when it's tears through my stomach, destroying me. I can't tell you guys how terrified I am."

Vic asked what they were all wondering. "Could you, um, get rid of it? You know, have an, um, abortion?"

Rachel nervously wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm still not sure how I feel about that. You'd think by now I'd know. But it doesn't matter. Even if I wanted to have an abortion, that sounds so weird, I can't. My aunt and uncle are against abortion. Since I'm a minor and under their care, it's not allowed. So,…"

Everyone became quiet. They all hated that Rachel was in this situation.

Kori's eyes grew large and her hands flew up to her mouth. "Ohmigosh! I was angry and I interrupted you. I made you mess up. If I had not burst into Richard's home as I did, then you probably would have known. If I had not been such a ' _BORTSKJEMT DRITTUNGE_ **', you would not be having this problem." Kori stepped forward with her hands clasped together. Tears spilled from her large green eyes. "I am very sorry. I have been a terrible friend. I do not deserve friendship of any kind for being so horrible to you. Do you think you will ever forgive me?" The taller teen dropped to her knees and bowed her head.

Rachel looked down at the girl kneeling before her, then around at her friends. They were just as astonished as she was. "Kori, please, stand up."

Kori stood while wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I am sorry. Can you forgive me?"

"There's no reason for you to be sorry." Everyone sat at the picnic table. "When you showed you at Richard's, I should've explained things. I should've said something. _I'm_ sorry. I could've saved myself from most of these problems if I would've said something sooner. I know I should've said something, told _someone_ but I couldn't. I was so scared and too ashamed."

"It wasn't your fault. _This_ isn't you're fault." Richard didn't know how to make Rachel stop blaming herself.

"I know that. Sorry, I'm just tired of everything."

"So what're you gonna do?"

"I have no idea. I wish I could stay with on of you guys buy I guess that's against the rules."

"Do not worry. We will figure something out."

Rachel gave her friends a sad smile. "I wish I was as confident as you sound."

With spring break was over, Rachel was glad to go back to school. She was ready to get out of the house. Norman and Maureen didn't let her get out too much. Sometimes, Rachel couldn't help but feel as if she was a prisoner, even though they were nice enough. She was mainly ready to see her friends again, on a daily basis.

She was so excited about seeing her friends again that Rachel got up early. She took extra care to find something to wear. She was starting to show and she'd rather not draw attention to herself. She didn't know what people knew about her situation. Of course, her close friends knew but Rachel hoped the other students didn't watch or pay attention to the news.

When Rachel stepped into the living room, Maureen stood. "Ready for school?" asked the older woman.

"Yeah, I'll be glad to get back to a normal routine."

"Good. Some structure might help you. Come on, I'll drive you to school."

"That's okay, I can walk or take the bus."

"I'll drive you. There's paperwork I need to fill out. You know, change of address, things like that."

Rachel nodded and they went to the car. Once at the high school, the two females went their own way. Rachel went to see her friends and Maureen went to the office.

Just as she met up with her friends, Rachel heard her name called for her to go to the office. "What's that about?" asked Gar.

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I'll let you know later." They paged for her again as she walked to the office. She muttered under her breath, "Damn, give me a chance to get there. It's not as if I can transport myself there in two seconds."

* * *

The car ride home was quiet. While waiting for a light to change to green, Maureen said, "I'm sorry about what I said about your father the other day. I know he neglected you. And I'm sorry about school."

Fuming in the passenger seat, Rachel tightened her hands into fists. "Why would they do this to me? It's as if they're punishing me for something I didn't do."

"Well, they're probably right about you being a distraction. Once people learn your story, they'll be talking about you."

"Nobody's bothered to notice me before, so why start now?"

"You've gone through some horrible things. Unfortunately, people tend to focus on and sensationalize the more lurid details. I think they probably want to protect the innocence of their students."

"What about me? What about MY innocence? Don't I matter? Why am I just something they think they can throw away?"

"They're not throwing you way."

"That's what it feels like."

"They're trying to protect you as well. Do you want the others to stare and point at you as you walk to class? Do you want them to talk about you? Do you want them spreading rumors about you because they don't know the whole truth? Do you want insensitive kids to ask you about it all the time so they can try to find out what happened?"

"No. I just wish they'd understand. I wish they'd helped me earlier in the year."

"I'm sorry you're so upset but maybe it's for the best. You'll have a chance to settle down and get adjusted to your new situation. You will do the same studies as you would in school. They said your assignments would be emailed to you every day."

Rachel sighed as she stared out the window. She wondered what she did to deserve all of this.

* * *

A week later, Rachel sat at a table outside a café. She was trying to enjoy the warm sun shining down on her but it wasn't helping her mood. She just sat there staring at the steam if her herbal tea. She was thankful for a chance to get out of the house and have some time for herself. Since she was being "home schooled" she didn't get much time out of the house. If she did, it was usually to go to doctor's appointments and to therapy.

Today, she was skipping out on her therapy session. Rachel still had another hour before she needed to be "home". She was trying to find answers in the steam but couldn't find any.

A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts, "Rachel?" She looked up to see Jason. "I haven't seen you for awhile. I usually see you in the halls at school but I haven't seen you lately." Seeing his ex-girlfriend's eyes well up with tears, he was instantly concerned. "Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Rachel shook her head and stood. "It's nothing, I should go." She didn't want to unload her problems on him. In fact, she didn't want him to know. However, her long sleeved t-shirt did little to hide her slightly expanded stomach. She wasn't large at all but her small, thin frame made it clear. It was almost as if, once her secrets surfaced and she found out she was pregnant, her body had been growing. Rachel wished she'd worn a jacket to hide behind.

Jason rubbed her arm trying to comfort her. He glanced down at her stomach. Rachel had always been thin and there was a time when he thought she was too thin. Now he saw that only her stomach has grown some. "Whoa! Are you …"

"Pregnant?" finished Rachel. She nodded and sat back down and Jason sat across from her.

"How did it happen? I mean, I know how but …"

Rachel put her hand up to stop him. "It's okay, I know what you mean." She let out a deep sigh. "I guess I should tell you. Soon everyone's going to know. I won't be able to hide THIS much longer." With disgust, Rachel pointed to her gradually growing baby bump.

Her reaction confused Jason slightly. He understood it must be very hard to be a pregnant teen. Maybe she was just in a bad mood?

Rachel sighed again. "Well, _this_ is why I'm not at school. Apparently, I'm too distracting now that I know that I have this _thing_ growing inside me."

"That doesn't make any sense. So, you're pregnant, what does that have to do with anything?"

"A lot. Have you ever seen a girl pregnant at school?" Jason thought about it for a moment and shook his head. "That's because they're either shipped off to an alternative school or are home schooled. The school administrators must have this idea that pregnancy is contagious, like the flu. If no one sees a pregnant girl, then no one will get the idea to do the same thing. Whatever. You'd think they'd want to help me instead of shunning me."

"I'm sorry. So, what are you doing now?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I'm being home schooled. Ugh, you know idea how sick I am of being in that house all the time."

"That must suck." Jason decided that must explain Rachel's mood. They sat in silence for a moment before he got the nerve to ask what he's been wondering. "Who's the father? He's supporting you, isn't he?"

"That's kind of a problem. I don't want anything to do with the bastard. I never did."

Jason raised an eyebrow, what did she mean by that?

Rachel looked down at her now cold cup of tea, gathering the courage to tell him. "I, um, I was, raped." It still wasn't easy for her to say that, even though she's had to tell her story, in detail, to the police recently. THAT was horrible, reliving, telling every moment of that torturous night.

"Oh my God! Rachel I am so sorry. I shouldn't have asked you about the father. I was stupid. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, you didn't know. Nobody did for a long time."

"Who's the bastard who hurt you? I'll kick his ass for you."

Rachel shook her head and smiled slightly. "Thanks for the offer but he's in jail. I hope he rots there."

"So the police have him?" Rachel nodded. "That's good. When did it, um happen?"

Rachel told him, without going into too much detail, about the attack. She also told Jason about Trigon being arrested for abusing and neglecting her.

Jason tenderly held Rachel's hands. "I am so sorry you had to go through all of that alone. I'm sorry we were right about your dad. I wish we weren't. So what's gonna happen to him?"

"I don't know and I don't care. I haven't had anything to do with him since I found out about THIS a couple weeks ago."

"Wait. You didn't know you were pregnant? How could you not know you were pregnant?"

"I don't know. I've never been pregnant before."

"Aren't there symptoms, like morning sickness and stuff?"

"I felt strange sometimes but I thought it was stress. Being violated like that is very stressful. There was one time when the horrible thought entered my mind. I even took a home pregnancy test but it said negative. I figured everything was just stress. I had no idea, for the past few months I had this THING growing inside me."

"You said the test was negative. How could you be pregnant now?"

Rachel explained to him what her doctor explained to her and Richard. "I just didn't know."

"But didn't you notice any changes in your body?"

"It wasn't like when we were almost together those times. I didn't want to show myself off, I hid. After the attack, I hated my body. I still do. I refused to look at it.

"I slept all the time and cried at just about everything but the doctor says those can be early signs of pregnancy. I didn't know any better. I thought everything I felt was because of stress. I didn't know. Maybe I didn't want to know."

"So, how are you doing?"

"Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. Everything's so overwhelming that sometimes it's as if I forget. It's all so surreal. I don't feel as if I'm living my life." Rachel checked her watch, "I should go. It was good seeing you again. Sorry I brought you down with my bad news."

"Don't worry about me. I'm worried about you. Can I call you sometime? You know, just to talk, to see how you're doing."

"The people I'm staying with are a little weird about my friends, maybe I should call you."

"You _will_ call me. I want to help you any way that I can."

"I'll call you. I'm glad we can be friends. I didn't like breaking up with you. I know you're seeing someone. I'm not saying that to try to get you back. I'm just letting you know I did it because I couldn't let you find out my secret about what my dad did to me."

Jason hugged her. "I understand, I just wish you would've trusted me to help you."

"I was scared." Rachel hugged Jason tightly. She whispered, "I still am."

* * *

Rachel climbed on the full bus. She went down the aisle looking for a seat and found one towards the back of the bus.

An old woman was sitting next to Rachel. She disapprovingly looked Rachel over. The woman muttered under her breath, "That's what's wrong with the world today, babies having babies."

Rachel tried to ignore the old woman but she continued. "There was a time when girls were modest. You know, girls didn't do things like that. You waited for your wedding night. Before that, you didn't do much more than hold hands. None of this hanky-panky stuff."

Rachel uncomfortably glanced around the bus. Everyone around them on the crowded bus could hear the old woman. Rachel wished someone would say something and make this woman stop but everyone was avoiding looking their direction.

"Nowadays, girls just don't care about themselves, they have no self-respect. I suppose you girls are just living in the moment. But there are consequences. There's a chance of getting pregnant every time."

The woman looked over at Rachel again. "It'd help if you girls wore clothes that covered things. Your clothes are so low cut and short that things are practically falling out."

Rachel's face was bright red by now. The girl the woman was describing was nothing like Rachel. Since no one was going to say anything than it was up to Rachel. "Ma'am, I'm sorry you feel that way but …"

The old woman interrupted Rachel, "I suppose the father standing by you?"

That angered Rachel. How dare this woman pin everything wrong with society on her. She knew nothing about Rachel and what she's gone through.

The woman took Rachel's silence as a no. "So he left you when he found out about you were pregnant. That's why you should be married first. Sure, he can still be a pig and leave you but you still get to have some self-respect."

Rachel couldn't take it anymore. She exploded, "Shut up! You don't know anything about me. Will you please just shut up!"

Rachel's outburst surprised everyone on the bus, including her. Angry tears welled up in Rachel's eyes. The bus pulled up to the next bus stop. It wasn't Rachel's stop but she had to get off this bus. She'd just walk the rest of the way. As she walked by the bus driver, Rachel muttered that she was sorry.

Once she stepped out on the sidewalk, Rachel gulped in the cool early evening air. She wiped away her angry tears before she started walking. It was probably for the best. She needed to calm down. Maybe she should've walked "home" and not ridden the bus. She was still upset telling Jason her news. Of course, he was supportive, a lot more than his mother was. She wondered if Debbie would feel guilty when she found out what Rachel was going through.

Rachel stopped at the walk leading up to the house. She didn't like it there. The Walkers seemed nice enough, most of the time. Rachel guessed they didn't have to take her in; open their house to a strange troubled girl, even if they were related. Still, Rachel didn't like them. Maybe it was more that she didn't connect with them. They were super religious and well, thanks to Trigon, Rachel hadn't had any real religion in her life. The closest she's had was Azaria's spirituality. Rachel realized that there was nothing wrong with being religious. She admitted, she was a little curious but she didn't want it forced on her. Before entering the house, Rachel wondered if this was a little like how it was for her mother and her parents.

"Rachel, is that you?" called a female voice from the kitchen.

"Yes," called back the tired teen.

"Come in here." Rachel sighed before turning to the kitchen. Her aunt and uncle were preparing dinner. "You're late. Where were you?"

"I got off at the wrong bus stop. I had to walk most of the way."

"That's stupid," said Norman, "who misses their bus stop? You know the way home, you shouldn't have any problem."

Maureen wa suspicious of Rachel. "You didn't go somewhere you weren't supposed to, did you?"

"No, I just had a small problem with someone on the bus so I got off at the wrong stop."

"What did you do?"

"A woman was mad at me. I didn't do anything."

"Humph," muttered Maureen.

Rachel hated that they didn't give her the benefit of the doubt. They never really have. She thought back to a conversation she had with her aunt.

"Do you think he would've hurt you so much if you hadn't threatened him with the knife? Have you ever thought that there are consequences for your action? You have a responsibility to not make a bad situation worse."

"Rachel?" Norman's voice interrupted her thoughts. "Have you finished your history paper?" Rachel shook her head not only as a reply but also to clear her head. "Quit your daydreaming. Go work on that while we finish dinner."

Rachel glanced at the middle-aged couple before leaving the kitchen. She wondered why they'd take her in if they didn't want her. Was it because she was family? She knew they are paid for being foster parents but it couldn't be that much.

* * *

Rachel was missing a page of her assignment. She's looked all over her room but there's no sign of it. She remembered seeing some papers on the desk in the living room. Maybe that was where it is. Flipping through the papers that meant nothing to her, she found nothing. She sighed. What was she going to do? She would ask Maureen or Norman but they weren't home. Rachel tapped her fingers on the desk while she thought. Maybe her paper was mixed up with their papers somehow and it was in the desk. Rachel felt strange going through their desk but she needed that paper.

She opened the last drawer. Nothing's been familiar so far. She hoped this drawer has what she was looking for. Her fingers quickly dug through the papers; she didn't want one of them catching her going through their things.

Rachel smiled, she found what she was looking for. She pulled her paper out and caught sight of her name on the next paper. Curious, she pulled it out and read it. Her smile faded, she upset by what she read. Taking that and her paper with her, Rachel went back to her room. There, she didn't work on her homework. She just stared at the new paper she found.

Hearing a car door, Rachel looked out the window; it was Maureen. Rachel ran her hands through her hair. She didn't want to confront the older woman but she needed to know what was going on. Taking the paper she found with her, Rachel went out to meet Maureen.

Maureen was surprised to see Rachel. "I didn't know you'd be here. Didn't you have a doctor's appointment this afternoon? You didn't skip it did you? You know we still have to pay even if you don't show up."

"They called and canceled. Something about the sprinklers going off. The receptionist said they have a lot to clean up."

"Oh, that's too bad. Did you take this opportunity to do your schoolwork? You know you really need to pull some of your grades up."

"I was working on some things but I was missing a page. I think you forgot to give me it."

"Really? Sorry, let me look for it."

"That's okay. I found it. Along with this." Rachel held up the document with her name on it. "What's this about?"

Maureen's face paled slightly when she saw what Rachel was holding. "Let me explain."

"How can you explain this? You've made up a document saying you get the baby? You want to raise this baby?"

"No, of course not. We're too old to raise a newborn."

"Then what do you want with it?"

"There are couples out there who want a baby to complete their family."

"You mean you're going to sell it? It's a baby not used car."

"What does it matter to you? You keep saying you don't want it so what difference does it make?"

"No, I don't want it but it's not yours. It, it's mine," Rachel instinctively put a protective hand on her growing abdomen, "so it's not YOUR decision to make."

Maureen sighed, "Would you grow up? You have responsibilities. You have to think about that child you're carrying. Stop being so selfish. You're not a child anymore. That changed the moment you started carrying that child."

"I didn't just have sex and get pregnant. I was RAPED. He held me down and he forced himself on me."

"I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that. Things aren't settled. And we're not selling the baby. We're trying to give you some extra time. I, we just wanted to give you an option. Like I said, you've said you don't want it. Have you changed your mind?"

Rachel sat down on the sofa. "I don't know what I want. I wish this had never happened."

Maureen softened some. The teen sitting there sounded so lost. "I know, I wish it didn't either but it did. Now you have a decision to make."

"I don't know what to do," whined Rachel.

"If you'd learned about the baby early enough, would you have had an abortion?" Even though she didn't approve of abortion she was curious.

"I don't know, maybe." Rachel clutched her head in her hands. "I hate having part of that monster growing inside me."

"If it was meant to be that you're pregnant, then you found out at the right time."

Shocked by what it sounded like Maureen was suggesting, Rachel looked up confused, "What do you mean? Do you think this was supposed to happen to me?"

Maureen sat next to Rachel. She took her hands in hers. "No, of course not, no one deserves what you're going through. I just meant that to make the best of this horrible situation, you should put the baby up for adoption. Everyone wins: you don't have the baby anymore and a couple gets the family they want."

Rachel thought about what Maureen just said. Would doing that make up for the times she's messed up? It was true. She didn't want anything to do with the baby growing inside her. Rachel was afraid of what would happen if she kept it. It wasn't just the fear of raising a child on her own but she was afraid she'd resent and maybe even hate the child. She was afraid she'dl be like her father and she didn't want that.

Maureen spoke softly, "I think this is probably your best option but we'll do what you want to do."

"I want a chance to be normal. All I want to worry about is getting my license, having too much homework and hoping a guy I like will notice me. I'm sixteen. I shouldn't have to worry about my father beating me, or the monster who raped me cornering me again. I shouldn't be carrying HIS child. This isn't right.

"I'm sixteen, I shouldn't be pregnant. But if I'm supposed to be pregnant, then I should be carrying the baby of a guy I love, or at least I like. A baby should be conceived in love not in violence. That bastard took a sick, sadistic pleasure as he tore my soul to shreds." Rachel broke down crying.

Hoping to help the tormented girl beside her, Maureen said, "That's why I pray for you.

Rachel stopped crying. Irritated and confused, she looked up at Maureen. "You pray for me?"

"Yes, I pray that you'll get the help you need."

Rachel's face hardened with anger. "Do you really think I deserve that, your prayers?"

"Of course I do. God loves you."

Angry tears spilled from Rachel's eyes. "What if I'm not worth it?"

"Rachel?" Maureen was surprised by the change in Rachel's disposition. "What brought this on?"

"Maybe because I really do deserve all this shit I'm going through? Maybe all this happened because I'm a horrible person?"

"You're not a horrible person."

"Really? Did you know my mother tried to commit suicide to get away from me?" Rachel unsuccessfully tried to wipe away her tears. "There must be something wrong with me for my parents to hate me."

"I know what Angela tried to do. But your parents don't hate you. I'm sure Angela was going through things that you weren't aware of. It sounds like she was a lost and troubled soul. Unfortunately, she sought out a permanent solution for a temporary situation. She shouldn't have done that. And I'm sure she wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

Rachel shook her head. "I do, I can't help it. I feel like … never mind, it doesn't matter."

Maureen was concerned, she'd only had Rachel in her house a few weeks but she'd never heard her speak like this. "Rachel, how do you feel?

Rachel took a moment before speaking. She said softly, "I feel like, I think things would've been better for my parents if I'd never been born."

"Rachel, that's not true. Your parents don't hate you."

"Maybe not at first. I think my mother was excited when I was a newborn but something change. I think it's because I grew up and I'm not what they wanted. They didn't want who I was becoming."

"That's not true," repeated Maureen. She was trying to make Rachel see that none of this was her fault. "I'm sure your parents love you. It's just sometimes hard for some people to show it."

"No, they don't. My father doesn't. Why do I deserve God's love when my own father doesn't love me? He told me every time he beat me that he didn't want me, that I was a waste of space. He told me that he only hit me because I did something wrong. I was never good enough. I couldn't win. No matter what I did, it was never enough. That's why all of this happened. It's because I'm not good enough. That's why you shouldn't pray for me. You're wasting your time." Rachel started slamming her fists against her legs. She hit herself with each of the next sentences, "I'm no good. I'm horrible. I'm worthless. I …"

Maureen had to wrap her arms around her niece to stop her from hitting herself anymore. That was the first time she'd held Rachel like that. Crying herself, she held Rachel in an embrace as the girl cried. Maureen could feel Rachel's sadness. They stayed like that while Rachel cried. It took awhile before Rachel started to calm down.

Maureen wiped her own eyes. "I'm sorry I've been kind of hard on you. I wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to help you. You're pretty upset. Why don't you take some time to calm down some? I have to go pick up Norman. When we get back, if you want, we can talk about things. It's okay if you don't want to. We can talk later." She got up and stopped. She put her hand on Rachel's shoulder. "You going to be okay, here, alone?"

Rachel nodded as she sniffled. She was trying to calm down.

"Okay. We'll be home in fifteen or twenty minutes."

* * *

Pacing in her room, Rachel was restless. She kept clenching and flexing her fingers. She almost ached to cut herself. She's never felt like that. Before, she's felt as if she needed to punish herself. This time, she felt helpless and hopeless. She couldn't let him get close to her again. She couldn't go through that again. She felt like a moment of that kind of pain would make the rest of her pain go away.

Rachel looked down at her expanded stomach. Anger built up in her. But what can she use? They took away everything sharp. What can she use?

She looked around her room. There was nothing. She checked the rest of the house, still nothing. She even tried to break into the cabinet that held the knives but couldn't get in it. Suddenly she remembered there was a safety pin holding together the strap of her backpack.

Rachel gasped as she glided the point of the safety pin over her arm. She watched the line of red form on her skin. It stung but it wasn't enough, she needed more.

* * *

In the car, she told Norman a little about her argument with Rachel. She didn't tell him anything specific mainly that she was worried about the troubled teen. When Maureen and Norman came home, Maureen felt like something was wrong. Maureen called for Rachel but got no answer.

She checked Rachel's room but there was no sigh of her. Something definitely didn't feel right. The couple checked the rest of the house but couldn't find Rachel. Where did she go? Should they call her friends?

Norman noticed that there was a message on the answering machine. They hoped Rachel called. They listen to it, "Hello Mr. or Mrs. Walker. This is Tim Hanson, the state's attorney . You called my office wanted to know if there was any news about one of Rachel Roth's cases. I do have some news but I don't want to leave it in a message. I'll be in the office until late tonight so call me at your earliest convenience. Like I said, I'm going to do everything I can to get a conviction."

What was going on? What kind of news was he talking about? Seeing the computer was still on, they checked it. They have an idea what was Mr. Hanson's news. There was a news article saying that Slade Wilson was finally released on bail. Further down the article, it said there may not be sufficient evidence to prosecute him.

The Walker's looked at each other. They were shocked. Rachel must've heard the message then looked it up. Maureen couldn't help but be filled with dread. She needed to find Rachel. Where else should they look? They've already checked the house and there was no sign of her.

Norman decided to check their bedroom. He didn't find Rachel but he came out with a note. It simply said, sorry. Maureen didn't know if Rachel was apologizing about their argument or for something more sinister.

If Rachel knew her rapist might go free, would she do something drastic?

* * *

 *** Drittsekk = bastard, dirt bag (Norwegian)**

 **** bortskjemt drittunge = spoiled brat (Norwegian)**

* * *

 **Thanks again. Please stay with me. Aren't you curious? I know I am.**


	42. Chapter 42: Forgive Me

**Thank you to those who reviewd.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 42: Forgive Me**

* * *

 **"I heard the words …/ …to hurt you" – Forgive Me, Evanescence**

* * *

A terrified teen followed the paramedics into the hospital. The teen on the gurney looked so pale, too pale.

"Wait," said a nurse, stopping the scared teen from following the gurney into the trauma room. "You can't go in there."

"But I …"

"Sorry, you can't go in there. The doctors need space to work. Besides you should get yourself checked out."

"I'm fine. It's nothing."

"You need to get that checked on. We need to call his family. Do you know who he is?"

"Gar, um, Garfield Logan. His phone number is, um, oh God, I can't remember. His parents need to know. They need to be here. I have it on my phone."

"Here, let me barrow that for a moment. You go get your arm bandaged up. Try not to worry, he's in good hands." That nurse called over another nurse. "Tracy, could you bandage this girl?"

"Sure. What's your name sweetie?"

"Rachel Roth. Is he gonna be okay?"

"I haven't seen his charts but the doctors and nurses are all working hard to help him. Sit down here so I can clean and bandage your arm. Did this happen with the accident?" The nurse noticed scars on Rachel's arm and suspected it wasn't. Rachel sheepishly muttered no.

Before Rachel could say anything else, the first nurse came back to return her phone. "I got a hold of his parents. They're on their way."

"How is he?"

* * *

Rachel's hands were shaking as she made a call. She was afraid. Hearing a woman's voice answer the phone, Rachel took a deep breath. "Aunt Maureen?"

"Rachel? Where are you? Are you okay?"

Rachel couldn't miss the panic in her aunt's voice. She didn't want to add to the woman's stress but she needed her. "I'm okay but I'm at Memorial Hospital."

"Rachel," Maureen heard the tears that threaten to fall in the teen's voice, "what's wrong?"

"I-I need you. Please come."

"Stay put, I'll be there in a few minutes."

After getting off the phone with her aunt, Rachel scrolled through her contacts on her phone. She dreaded making the next calls but she thought they needed to know about Gar.

Rachel took another deep breath, gathering courage before calling Richard.

"Hello," answered Richard, "Rachel what's going on?"

Rachel struggled to keep the fear out of her voice. "Um, Richard, I, um …I-I don't know how to say this."

"Rachel? Are you okay? Do you need to talk?"

Rachel shook her head even though she knew he couldn't see her. "No, um, Gar's been in an accident."

"What! Is he alright?" Rachel heard the next few sentences muffled. She couldn't quite make out what he was saying. It was as if he was talking to someone in the room. "Rachel?"

"Yes?"

"How's Gar?"

"He's, uh, we're at Memorial Hospital. I-I don't know how bad he is but he's pretty banged up."

"Okay, we'll be there."

"We?"

"Kori's here with me. Try to stay calm. We'll be there."

Rachel was relieved she had one less call to make since Kori was with Richard. Although, she hated that she ruined their time together. Now she had to make the call she was seriously not look forward to making.

"Hey Rae," answered Vic cheerfully, "what's up?"

"Um Vic, I, uh …"

"Have you heard from Gar?"

"Vic …"

"I've been trying to reach him but I can't get a hold of him."

"Vic …"

"His phone goes straight to voicemail."

"Victor!"

He heard the urgency in her voice. "Rae, what's wrong?"

"I'm calling about Gar."

"Rachel, what's wrong? Why are you calling ABOUT Gar? Why can't he call for himself?"

"He, he's been in an accident. He's at Memorial Hospital."

"Oh God, no. What happened? Is he hurt badly?"

"I-I don't know. The doctors won't let me see him. I think he's pretty banged up."

"Okay, um, I'll be there. You said he's at Memorial?"

"Yes, and I called the others, they're coming." Rachel paused a moment before she continued, "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry, it's not your fault. I'm coming. I'll be there as soon as I can."

* * *

Maureen and Norman entered the hospital searching for Rachel. They were relieved to see her standing in a hallway until they saw how distraught she looked. "Rachel?"

The dark-haired teen looked up. She's never been so happy to see her aunt and uncle before this moment. With tears in her eyes, she hurried to them.

Relieved Rachel was safe, Maureen wrapped her arms around the girl. "Rachel what happened? We were so worried when we came home and you weren't there. We saw the news about …"

Shaking her head, Rachel pulled away from Maureen's embrace. "That doesn't matter." She wrapped her own arms around herself. "You know, all he ever wanted to do was make me laugh. It's been that way since the first day we met."

"Rachel?" Maureen was concerned. She didn't know what she was talking about. Where was Rachel's sweatshirt? It was an unusually cool turned rainy spring day. Why was she only wearing a tank stretched across her expanding belly? Norman was just as concerned. He draped his jacket over Rachel's bare shoulders.

"I-I never knew if he saw something broken in me? I don't know maybe he saw me as one of those strays that he used to bring home. I don't know, but he just wanted to make me laugh. Of course I never did, not really. It was as if it was a challenge for both of us; he'd make me laugh and I'd refuse." Rachel looked up at her aunt and uncle. "What was so horrible about what he wanted, friendship and laughter? Things, at times, I'd refuse to give. Why can't I be normal and just open up, let people in? I thought I wasn't hurting anyone, except maybe myself, by being closed off. I was wrong."

Maureen was confused. She knew Rachel was not talking about her father or the other man who hurt her. "Rachel, what are you talking about? Who are you talking about?"

"My, my f-friend Gar. He was in an accident." Rachel couldn't hold back her tears anymore. "And it was all my fault."

Maureen held Rachel tightly as she cried. "Shh, it'll be okay. You're not to blame. You said it was an accident, right?"

Rachel nodded. She looked up to try to explain, "But it …" She stopped when she saw a panic-stricken couple walk by them. It was Gar's parents. Rachel pulled away from Maureen. She wanted to know what they found out about Gar.

Rachel quietly followed Gar's parents leaving Maureen and Norman standing there confused. After a moment, they decided to follow Rachel.

The Logans and a doctor came out of the trauma room. He took them to a room so they could talk. Rachel was afraid when she saw Mrs. Logan's scared expression. Was his mother just scared or was Garden really that bad?

Rachel glanced over to the trauma room doors. Even if they allowed her to see Gar right now, she didn't think she could do it. Shuddering at the memory of the accident, she crossed the hallway. Standing outside the door, Rachel heard some of what the doctor said. He explained that Gar was not in a lot of pain because he's been sedated. "He has a concussion, a broken leg and broken ribs. He had a punctured lung, but they fixed that. There are signs of some internal bleeding. Gar might need surgery." Gar's injuries sounded so bad to Rachel. Oh God, she thought, I broke him.

"How did this happen?" asked Mark Logan. Gar's parents were understandably upset. Their only son, their only child was lying unconscious in a hospital bed. In the hall Rachel thought, he shouldn't be here.

"I don't know but somehow he was hit by a car," said the doctor.

Marie Logan voiced Rachel's thought, "He shouldn't be here. Something happened. He's sometimes a clumsy kid but he'd never run in front of a car."

Rachel backed away from the door. She didn't want the Logans to see her. She met up with her aunt and uncle. Norman asked, "How's your friend?"

Rachel shrugged, "I-I don't know. I didn't see him. I heard the doctor say that Gar has a concussion and broken bones. I think he had a punctured lung. That would explain why Gar had trouble breathing. The doctor said that he might need surgery. This can't be happening."

Maureen put a consoling hand on Rachel's shoulder but Rachel backed away. The older woman suppressed her sigh. She understood that Rachel was upset. "Do you need me to call anyone?"

"No, Gar's parents are here and I called our closest friends."

"Do you want to go see him? I'm sure they'd at least let you peak in."

"No. I can't do that. I don't want something to go wrong for Gar."

The Walkers exchanged looks. What did she mean by that? Before either one could ask her about it, a nurse and a police officer came up to them. The nurse said, "This is the girl."

"Is anything wrong officer?"

"No, I just have to ask your girl some questions."

"She's our niece." After getting Rachel's name, he asked if she was the girl who came in with Garfield Logan.

"Yes, I was there."

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Um, I don't know. It all so fast."

"Think back to before the accident. What happened? What were you two doing?"

Rachel looked down at her hands in her lap. "We were arguing."

"What were you arguing about? Were you two dating?"

"No."

"Did one of you want to be dating but the other one didn't?"

"No, it wasn't like that. Gar and I are just …friends." Rachel didn't know if he still wanted to be her friend.

"So what were you arguing about?"

"I was in a bad mood. He was trying to cheer me up but I didn't want that."

"Why were you in a bad mood?"

Thinking about the reason for her bad mood, Rachel subconsciously rubbed at her bandaged arm. "I, uh, I was angry about my father." A part of Rachel hoped he knew enough about what Trigon had done not to ask anymore about that. Another part of her hoped he didn't know anything about it but would let the subject drop. Most of all, Rachel wished none of this had ever happened.

"Okay, how long were you arguing?"

Rachel looked down at her hands. She wished he were done, that he'd stop asking her questions. She felt guilty enough. "I don't know."

"Did things ever get physical?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did he try to grab you?"

"Gar would never hurt a girl, especially me."

"You said you two were arguing. Sometimes during an intense argument, things can get out of hand. Did you ever feel threatened?"

"No." Gar was nothing like her father. "Gar would never do anything like that. Nothing like that ever happened. What happened isn't Gar's fault. He's the one who's hurt so stop blaming him."

"Sorry. If you two weren't physically fighting then how did Gar get hit by the car?"

"I don't know. I was walking away. I stopped when I heard the tires screech and a horrible thud. I-I turned around. I think I screamed. Gar was just lying on the ground. I was so scared. He wasn't moving. Somebody, maybe the driver of the car, said they were calling for help. I didn't know what to do. I knelt beside him, urging him to wake up. He was bleeding so I used my sweatshirt to try to stop that. I-I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry, that's all I know." Rachel embarrassedly wiped her eyes with the palm of her hand. She hated that she cried in front of the officer. "Am I in trouble?"

"No, if you remember anything else, call me." He handed Maureen his card and left.

The three were alone again. Well, as alone as they could be in a hallway of a busy hospital. Both Maureen and Norman were shocked by what Rachel told the officer. "Rachel, what happened? Where did you go after you left our house?"

"I _don't_ want to talk about it. I screwed up _again_."

"Rachel …"

" _Please_. I don't want to talk about it right now, not when my friend might be fighting for his life. I have to make sure he's gonna be okay."

"Okay, we'll talk about this later. Do you want to try to see him now?"

"I don't know, I don't think I can."

"I'm sure they'll let his friend see him."

"No, it's not that. I-I don't think I can see him lying in that hospital bed like that."

"Okay, let's see if we can find you something to eat." They slowly walked down the hall. They stopped when the Logans came out of a room. Marie was struggling to stay calm. They thought the concerned teen in front of them looked familiar.

"How's Gar? He's gonna be okay, right?" When Rachel spoke, they remembered she was the girl Gar brought home about a month ago.

"You're Rachel, right?" asked Mark and the teen nodded. "What are you doing here? How did you know about Gar?"

Marie thought Rachel looked both guilty and concerned. "Were you there? I mean, when the accident happened, were you there. The doctor said a teenaged girl came in with him."

Not trusting her voice, Rachel simply nodded.

"Do you know what happened?" asked Mark.

"How did Gar get hit by a car?" asked Marie at the same time. Gar's parents were eager for information.

"I'm not really sure. I …"

Norman's jacket started slipping off but Rachel grabbed for it. When she did that, Marie noticed Rachel's bandaged arm.

"Did you get hurt too?"

Rachel hid her injured arm under Norman's jacket. She muttered no.

"You said you were there, right?" Again, Rachel nodded. "Then tell us what happened. How is it that our son is lying in a hospital bed but you only have a few scratches? What did you do?"

"Marie, I know you're upset, I am too, but we can't blame this girl. It was just an accident."

"Mark, we both agreed the there was something going on with her. Gar never used to keep things from us. He never lied to us or wound sneak around until he started hanging around her."

"Hey," said Maureen, "I understand you're upset about your boy but you can't blame her for this."

"Are you her parents?"

"No, we're her aunt and uncle. She's living with us."

Marie looked at Rachel then the Walkers. She wondered what was going on, why would this girl be with her aunt and uncle and not her parents? Looking back at Rachel, she saw the teen was pregnant.

"You're pregnant? I knew you were in trouble. Ugh, why did Gar have to bring you home?"

"Marie. Leave the girl alone. Forget about her, we need to focus our energy on Gar. He needs us to stay positive."

His wife wiped her tears away and turned her back on Rachel and the Walkers. "I'm sorry, Mark. You're right. Gar needs us. I'm just so scared."

Her husband hugged her. "I know, I am too."

Rachel said softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry." To Maureen and Norman she said, "I need some air. I'm just going to walk around a bit."

Maureen asked, "Do you want one of us to go with you?"

"No, I just need some time to myself. Don't worry, I'll just be a few minutes." Rachel walked down the hall and turned the corner. She leaned against the wall and covered her face. What did she do? Oh God, please let Gar be alright.

"Rachel?" She looked up and saw her friends. They all look worried but fear crossed their faces when they saw that Rachel had been crying.

"Oh, Rachel, is it that bad? Is our dear friend Gar hurt so bad that it is serious?"

"I-I don't know." Rachel tried to control her emotions so she didn't scare her friends any more than they were. "I haven't seen him but I heard the doctor say he has some broken bones and a concussion."

Trying to sound optimistic, Vic said, "That's not too bad. The doctors will fix him up and he'll be back to his annoying self in no time."

They all hoped he was right. Rachel said, "His parents might still be around the corner if you want to see them. They can probably tell you more."

They started down the hall but Rachel stayed there leaning against the wall.

"Rachel, are you not coming?"

"Not right now. I need a little time. You guys go ahead."

Rachel closed her eyes. She worried about what her friends would think when they learned what happened. She was sure they'd be on Gar's side. They should be, he's physically hurt and this time any pain she felt was her own doing. She covered her face with her hands. She never meant for any of this to happen.

"Rachel?" Rachel looked up and saw Maureen. "I'm glad I found you. They're taking your friend to surgery."

"What? No."

"The doctor said his spleen is damaged. Apparently, the surgery is simple. I guess it just takes about thirty minutes."

"But Gar is hurt in other ways, his broken bones, his concussion. Oh God, he shouldn't be here. He doesn't deserve this. This is my fault. Some friend I turned out to be. All of them should've run months ago, at the first sign of trouble."

"It wasn't your fault. It was an accident."

"But …"

"Did you tell him to walk in front of a moving car?"

"No, but …"

"Did you push him?"

"No, of course not!"

"It was an accident, nothing more. As for your friends, they've stood by and supported you through all of this. They'll continue to support you as well as your friend Gar. Try calming down some. He's going to be okay." Maureen wanted to know what happened when she left the house. What happened between the two friends? How did he get hurt so bad? She wanted to know but she knew now was not the time to ask Rachel about it. They needed to focus their positive energy on Gar to see him through the surgery.

"Oh, Norman bought you a sweatshirt in the gift shop. We thought you'd be more comfortable in that." Maureen held out the top that Rachel didn't notice before.

Rachel wiped her eyes and accepted the sweatshirt. "Thanks."

"Let find a restroom so you can splash some cold water on your face then we can go to the waiting room if you want to." Rachel only nodded.

* * *

Rachel hesitated to enter the waiting room. She hated that everyone turned to look at her. She received a glare from Gar's mom but tried not to let it bother her too much. If she was in her place, Rachel thought she'd feel the same way.

Maureen and Rachel sat next to Norman. They were separate from the others but could still have a conversation with someone if they wanted to.

The room was quiet. Everyone was thinking about Gar and hoping he'd be okay. Some were softly flipping through magazines that they weren't interested in reading. It was just something to do, something to help the time go faster. The TV mounted on the wall was on. The volume was down low so no one could hear it but nobody cared about that.

Rachel yawned in her seat next to Maureen. Maureen was concerned about the teen. She wasn't just concerned about her mental state but she was also worried how she was doing physically. The stress couldn't be good for the baby. "Did you get checked out?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Rachel tried to brush aside Maureen's hand. She didn't want to talk about herself.

"Did they check how the baby's doing?"

"It's _fine_." Rachel yawned again.

"You must be tired. Lie down and rest."

"Lay down here? I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to sleep here. Besides I want to know when Gar's out of surgery."

"You don't have to sleep, just rest. It'll be good for you and the baby. I'll make sure you know what's going on. I think your friend would want you to take care of yourself. Just pull two chairs together and lay down on those." Rachel eyed her uncertainly. "I promise, if you do fall asleep, I'll wake as soon as the doctor comes in."

Seeing that Maureen wasn't going to back down, Rachel reluctantly pulled the second chair over. She was small enough that she could curl up on the two chairs. As she laid there, Maureen gently stroked her hair. Rachel closed her eyes hoping to shut out the hundreds of thoughts racing through her mind. She wished she could change everything.

Rachel slowly began to wake up. She didn't mean to fall asleep. Maybe it was for the best. She did feel a little better. She hoped that Gar was doing better. She didn't know how long she was asleep. Rubbing her eyes, they felt puffy and burn some because of the crying.

Rachel sat up and with Maureen's help, she pushed the other chair away. As she did that, the door opened. The next few minutes seemed to be in slow motion. Everyone turned to the door when the doctor came in. He looked stressed and upset.

That couldn't be a good sign. Rachel felt her heart starting to race. With her eyes still on the doctor, she grasped Maureen's hand. He walked over to the Logans and asked them to come with him. Gar's mom began crying and his dad looked instantly old. As they were leaving the room, Rachel caught the doctor saying he was sorry.

"No!" Rachel's eyes flew open and she bolted upright. Her heart was racing.

"Rachel, it's okay, it was just a dream. You fell asleep and had a dream. If it would help, you can tell me about it?"

Rachel shook her head. She was trying to control her breathing. She couldn't believe it was just a dream. It felt so real. Afraid that it might come true she didn't want to speak about it. Eventually everyone stopped looking at Rachel and went back to what they were doing while waiting.

As in her dream, Maureen helped Rachel push aside the other chair. Rachel along with everyone else held their breath when the doctor came in the room. It was so much like Rachel's dream. He went over to the Logans. He knelt beside them and said, "Gar's out of surgery and he's okay." Everyone seemed to let out a collective sigh. "His spleen was the cause of his internal bleeding. He's young and healthy otherwise so he should heal reasonably fast."

Crying with relief, Marie asked, "When can we see him?"

"He's in recovery right now. Some one will come get you in a bit so you can see him for a few minutes. Then we'll move him to his room. That's where his friends can visit him. Gar will still be unconscious for a while. We're keeping him sedated to ease his pain and to help him heal."

"Thank you, doctor."

"Yes thank you." Marie hugged him.

They were all grateful and relieved that Gar was going to be okay. Everybody but Rachel began talking at the same time. Rachel was too overwhelmed by the good news and her horrible, realistic dream. Rachel leaned over to Maureen and said, "I'm gonna go get something to drink and maybe eat."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, stay here. I won't be too long."

As Rachel quietly left the room, her friends watched her. They were curious about why she didn't sit with them. They wondered if something happened between Gar and Rachel. All they knew from the Logans was that Rachel was there when Gar got hurt. Deciding they wanted to know what was going on, they followed her.

The three friends found Rachel sitting in a quiet corner of the cafeteria. In front of her was an untouched sandwich. She stared into the steaming cup of hot liquid. Hearing somebody approaching her table, Rachel looked up. Seeing her friends, tears sprung to her eyes.

Vic sat next to her. "Hey," he rubbed her arm as he tried to comfort her, "he's gonna be alright."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to get so upset."

"Rachel, what is wrong? Why did you not sit with us in the waiting room?"

"Sorry, I thought I should sit with my aunt and uncle. How long do you think he'll have to stay in the hospital?"

"I don't know," said Richard as sat. "He'll probably go home a few days after he wakes up. Why don't you eat some of you sandwich, then we can talk about Gar."

Rachel glared at him before she picked up her sandwich. He didn't have to treat her like a five-year old.

"The Logans mentioned something about you being there when the accident. What happened?"

Looking at her friends, Rachel saw how concerned they were. They were concerned about her, not just Gar. Deciding she had to tell them, she sighed. She understood that they'd probably blame her. They might even reject her but she thought they needed to know what happened.

Rachel took a deep breath then told them about her argument with Maureen. She involuntarily shuddered as she told them what she learned about her father and Slade. As she told them that, she unthinkingly rubbed her bandaged arm.

"I felt like a trapped animal. I couldn't stay in that house. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't care. I just had to get out of there. Guess I was just walking around. I wasn't thinking."

Richard noticed Rachel rubbing her arm. He was concerned. "Did you do that to yourself?"

Rachel looked down and stopped rubbing her arm. She glanced around at her friends then wrapped her arms around herself. "You don't understand. None of you do."

"You are right, I do not understand why you would hurt yourself. Especially, when you are already hurting so much."

"I don't _want_ to do it. It's just, sometimes, like when I found out they might go free, everything is so out of control. It's strange and it doesn't make sense but I feel as if _I'm_ in control when I do it. I get to control the pain. Somebody else isn't inflicting pain on me. Please don't worry. I don't do it a lot, only when I feel like things are spiraling out of control. I wasn't, I'm _not_ trying to kill myself. I don't want to do that, I just _need_ something I can control. I can see that you don't understand, I knew you couldn't. Just like I knew Gar couldn't."

"Rachel, what happened? How did Gar get hit by a car?"

"I don't know. We were arguing and I turned to leave. I didn't see what happened. He wouldn't be here if I didn't argue with him. That's all I seem to do lately. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Gar. I thought I could do this, I thought I could tell you but I can't. I'm sorry."

"Rachel wait," called out Richard as Rachel left.

"Give her some time," said Vic. "She has a lot on her mind. Let's go see Gar."

* * *

Rachel walked through the hospital hallways. She has never been a fan of hospitals but lately she was tired of being in them. She needed some time to think. She was mad at herself for chickening out of telling her friends what happened.

Hesitating a moment, Rachel opened the door to the hospital chapel. No one was there so she stepped in. The room was quiet and peaceful. Taking a seat towards the back of the room, Rachel covered her face with her hands. She whispered to herself, "I keep messing up. It's not just my life but it's my friend's life as well. Maureen's wrong, I have an evil in my veins. I have my father's blood in me. If only I could learn to control my temper then maybe I wouldn't be as destructive as my father."

Sitting in the tranquil room, Rachel thought back to what happened several hours ago …

…She felt so much like a trapped animal. Rachel knew she couldn't stay in that house. She didn't where she was going and didn't care. She just had to get out of there.

Rachel didn't know where he came from, but Gar must've seen her going towards the bridge. He had to wonder what she was doing. He called her name several times, but Rachel didn't want to hear him and tried to ignore him.

"Rachel! Wait!" called out Gar. But the dark-haired teen kept walking with her head down and her arms wrapped around herself.

Gar ran up behind her. She couldn't ignore him now. "Rachel, stop. What's wrong?"

Rachel finally stopped but didn't turn to face her friend.

"You're upset. Tell me what's wrong."

With clenched fists, she said, "Nothing's wrong. I want to be alone. Please, leave me alone. I don't want you trying to cheer me up. I don't want that."

Gar put his hand on Rachel's shoulder. "C'mon Rae, something's wrong. You can tell me."

He sounded sincere, like he truly wanted to help. A part of Rachel wanted to accept his offer and tell him what was wrong. But it seemed like every time someone tried to help her, things went wrong. She ended up getting hurt worse. She couldn't do that again. Rachel growled, "Leave me alone."

Gar grabbed Rachel by her arm. She winced and yelped at the pain. Startled by her reaction, he let go. She turned enough and saw him looking down at his hand. He saw blood, her blood. "You're bleeding. Who did this …" Rachel practically saw the thoughts forming in his head "OR did you do this to yourself?"

Rachel rolled her eyes and signed. "What does it matter? Can't you just leave me alone?"

"Rachel, it does matter. I don't want you hurting."

"Too late. I'm always hurting. I should be used to it by now."

"What do you mean? Things are better now, right?"

"Right, things are great," she said sarcastically.

"Really?"

She rolled her eyes again. "It doesn't matter. Even if everything was perfect, I have nothing to look forward to, at least, nothing good."

"What do you mean? Do you mean the baby? I know you must be scared about that but …"

Rachel shook her head and spat out angrily, "I don't care about the baby. I don't want it. I never wanted it. Its future is the same as mine. It's bleak, there's nothing there." She knew she sounded harsh but it was true.

Gary looked afraid. He must've though she'd given up. He looked past her to the bridge. "Rachel," he said softly, "you're not gonna do something you can't change, are you?"

He sounded so sad. Rachel couldn't help it, she began to cry. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does. You matter to me. You're one of my best friends. I don't want you to go away."

"I'm no going to be around much longer. It doesn't matter if I do it or not. I'm dead no matter what."

The shock on Gar's face was apparent. He'd never heard anyone talk like that. She didn't want to do it, but she was so scared and confused. Rachel was so tired of feeling like that.

"Why don't you come to my house? You can calm down and we can talk some. Maybe my parents can help?"

"That won't help. They'll find me wherever I go. I can't put you and your family in that kind of danger."

"What do you mean? Who'll find you? I won't let anyone hurt you. Let me help you."

"You're no match for them. They're going to get out and it's all my fault." Rachel knew she wasn't making any sense but didn't care.

"Who are you talking about?"

"My father and Slade. They're not going to prison. I screwed up again. There's not enough evidence."

"How can that be? Your father abused you. How can there not be enough evidence?"

"I don't know, maybe I lied too many times? They don't believe me."

"But with that monster, Slade, you said you were in the hospital. You said they must've seen …evidence."

"I don't know! I was just guessing. I was unconscious most of the time I was there."

"But you're carrying that sicko's kid. Shouldn't that be enough proof?"

"All that proves is that I slept with him," Rachel shuddered. "It's his word against mine. Obviously, he's not going to say he forced himself on each. _He_ is going to say it was consensual. I think, at most, he could be charged with statutory rape, if they believe him. Who's going to believe me? I've lied too many times, about what my father did to me and about my mother. No one's going to believe me. I'm going through this hell and I can't blame anyone else for it."

"It's not your…"

"I'll have to go back to my father. I'm gonna be killed. It might not happen right away. I know it's coming. He promised me if our secret ever got out, he'd kill me."

"Let me help you. We can go to the police and tell them what you just told me. They'll make sure he can't get to you."

"Even if by some miracle my father can't get to me, there's always Slade. He'll find me and torture me. I can't go through _that_ again. I'd rather be dead. Don't you see? This is the only way for me to be free of them."

"Let me help you."

"God! Why can't you just leave me alone! Why'd you have to drag me into your perfect little group? I was happy enough before I met you and your friends. If I'd left that park earlier or not even gone there, I wouldn't have seen you with those Hive kids. I would've stayed alone.

"After Kitten, I stopped believing in friendship. You couldn't let me stay like that. You had to force your friendship on me. I didn't WANT it. I was happy enough."

"How could you be happy? Kitten bullied you and your father hurt you."

"I could handle Kitten, I was used to that. My father didn't hurt me that bad. He just said some cruel things or roughly grabbed my arm. It was nothing serious. I could live with that."

"Do you hear yourself? You could live with your father hurting you?"

"Like I said, it wasn't serious. After you pulled me into your stupid, perfect group, that's when things got worse. You said you wanted me to be happy. You kept trying to make me laugh. Couldn't you see I didn't want that? The more you tried to make me laugh and be happy, the worse things got at home."

Rachel held out her arm, the blood had dried. " _He_ started this. My _father_ , _he_ did this to me. He knew I was changing even though I didn't know. Being with you and the others gave me confidence that I didn't know I had. I wasn't even aware of it but he was and he was threatened by that. He had to make me know my place."

"Rachel …"

"He was afraid I would gain enough confidence to turn him in. In a fit of rage, so he could control me, HE sliced my arm open. It didn't stop there. There were beatings, painful beatings. Beatings that ended with bruised ribs, a nearly broken nose, a black eye, welts on my back. After beating me, he used to say it hurt him to do it but he had no choice. It hurt HIM to beat me? I was the one who was always hurt, bruised and bleeding.

"I'm sorry, but …"

"But, what? At least when I was with you guys I could relax, I didn't have to worry? No, I was always worried. I never knew what kind of mood he'd be in when I got home. Before I met you guys, I just had school. For the most part, he ignored me. I didn't have to worry as much.

"Couldn't you see that I was always worried, tense or scared? The harder you tried for friendship, the worse it got for me. Nobody really noticed even after I chopped my hair off. Everyone was shocked by it but everyone thought I was just being me.

"I don't know, maybe I was trying to make myself ugly so you'd push me away?"

"Rachel, you're not …"

"I'm not?" Rachel held up her arm again. "Doesn't this make me ugly? What about this?" She pointed to her expanded belly. "What about what Slade did to me? Nobody will ever want me. I'm used. I'm broken. I'm revolting. Why shouldn't I just disappear?"

"Rachel …"

"God! Don't you get it! Don't you see? I didn't want your stupid friendship. You think it's better to have more friends. I don't. It's just more trouble than it's worth. I probably wouldn't be going through all this shit if you'd just left me alone."

"But you'd be alone."

"Wow. You're a genius. Yes, I'd be alone but I probably wouldn't be pregnant. If I was then it'd be because I wanted it."

"Why do you have to be like that?"

"Like what? This IS who I am. You all didn't like who I was. You just wanted to change me."

"I didn't want to change you but I did want you to be happy. But as soon as someone tries to get close to you, you through up walls. You won't let anyone get close."

Rachel sighed and said softly, "If I don't put those walls up then I get hurt."

"You still get hurt anyway," he said matching her tone.

She stepped back and glared at him. No, she couldn't let him talk her out of this. Rachel needed to escape her father and Slade. This was the only way she could think of. If she ran way, she'd only be delaying the inevitable. Rachel didn't want to die at sixteen but that seemed to be her destiny. She knew if her father or Slade got to her, there'd be hell to pay. If she was going to die, Rachel wanted it on her terms. She hoped to make it as painless as possible. Not just for her but for those who knew her. Rachel simply wanted to disappear.

Now, here's Gar trying to talk her out of it. He's telling her how he values their friendship and that she was important to him. Rachel couldn't let him do that. Rachel couldn't let him stop her. If he wouldn't let her push him away then she needed to make him mad enough that he'd push her away…

…Rachel sighed as she looked around the chapel. Her eyes stopped on the candles. She stared, mesmerized by the flickering flames. "Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why couldn't I just let Gar help me?"

"Rachel?"

Rachel gasped and jumped in her seat.

"I'm sorry," said Angela, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"What are you doing here? How did you know I was here?"

"Maureen called me." Rachel scowled. "I'm glad she did. I want to try to help you."

Rachel stood. "I don't need _your_ help."

Angela gently put her hand on her daughter's arm. "Please. Let me help you. Let me try to be the mother you need."

The teen frowned as she sat back down when a thought entered her mind. Panic filled her eyes as she looked at her mother. "Is Gar …?"

"I'm sorry, he's okay. I was just coming to check on you. I thought I might find you here."

"How did you know?"

Angela looked to the front of the chapel. "I know it might sound weird coming from me, but sometimes when I need a place to think, I go to church. I might not find the answers I'm searching for right away but it's a quiet place for me to sort my thoughts." Again, the teen nodded as she looked down at her hands in her lap. "Has it helped you?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know. I don't think there's much help for me. I'm simply one of those lost causes."

"Rachel, no you're not. What happened before the accident? How did your friend get hit by a car?"

"We said, I said some horrible things. I did what I often do to something good in my life, I destroyed it."

"Tell me what happened."

Rachel looked at her mother. Should she tell her? Would it help? Could she help? The teen had a million thoughts and questions racing through her mind. In Angela's eyes, she saw hope and love. She looked like she wanted to do what she couldn't do all those years. Maybe it was time for her to start trusting her mother again? Rachel sighed before she began …

…Rachel lashed out at Gar. She had to make him angry. She spoke calmly but her voice was deadly serious, "If you were smart you wouldn't want me around. But everyone knows how gullible you are. Terra certainly did."

Rachel saw the pain in his eyes, on his face. The pain only lasted a second. He tried to hide it but she knew she'd hit him hard. She knew he was sensitive about Terra and it was a low blow. She hated hurting him but she kept going, "She played you, didn't she. She had you wrapped around her finger. You'd do almost anything for her, wouldn't you? When she pushed you and your friends away, did she say she needed some space, some time to think about her feelings? You liked her so you gave her time, hoping she'd run back to you. When she didn't, did you still trust her? Of course you did. You believed everything she said. How did it make you feel when she left you for someone else? But Terra didn't just turn to any other guy, did she? She turned to the man who it turned out raped me. Terra chose to be with a rapist but she wouldn't even be friends with you."

Gar was furious. He yelled, "Shut up!"

Of course Rachel didn't listen, she continued, "The truth hurts doesn't it? And everybody thought I was pathetic?"

Rachel had never seen him so angry. He snapped, "Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the fuck up! You don't know what you're talking about."

Rachel hated hurting him but she was equally angry. Her anger was out of control when she said, "Really? Because I'm not that different from Terra. I used you too. Okay, I'll admit it, I was curious about what it'd be like to have friends. I didn't want to do it but I tried it. It was an experiment and I hated it. You were always smothering me with your stupid jokes."

Gar was so angry, he was practically shaking when he shouted, "Would you just shut up! You're such a hypocrite. You say you didn't want to be our friend but you kept coming back. I'll never understand you. I tried to be nice to you, to be your friend, when others gave up on you."

Rachel growled, "I never asked you to do that."

Gar growled back, "I thought you needed a friend, but you're right. I was a fool. I should've listened when others said I should give up on you. They said you were hopeless. They were right. Guess apart of me always knew you're just a bitch."…

...Rachel wiped the tears away before she continued, "I gasped and just stared at Gar. I'd thought what he said many times. I'd called myself a bitch but it hurt to know that Gar thought the same thing. His words stung like a slap.

"I opened my mouth to say something but then closed it. There was nothing to say. We'd already said everything. We'd said too much. We stood there staring at each other, our hurtful words hanging between us. Our friendship was over.

"I felt the threat of tears. I turned from Gar. I couldn't, I wouldn't let him see me cry. I had to get away, go somewhere to think. Gar was right. I was a bitch.

"I started walking away. I said softly, 'I'm sorry. I won't bother you anymore.' Tears stung my eyes as I started to run. It hurt so much losing Gar's friendship. I knew it meant I'd lose the others. I got what I wanted; I was now alone. Maybe this was worse than dying? I knew that nobody cared about me and it was all my doing.

"I wasn't too far when I heard Gar call out for me. I think he started to say he was sorry but he, he didn't finish. I heard the screech of tires and a sickening thud. I turned around in time to see Gar fall to the ground. I saw other cars stop. Some people were getting out of their cars to help. I couldn't believe what I saw, a car hit Gar. I screamed."

Rachel wrapping her arms around herself. "I ran back to Gar as fast as I could. It was all so surreal. It couldn't be happening. Gar shouldn't be lying on the pavement. The same thoughts raced through my mind, I'm sorry and please don't let him be dead. I didn't care if he never spoke to me again, he just had to be okay. I had to push my way through the growing crowd. When I saw him, I knew his leg was broken because it was bent at a strange angle and already swelling.

"Guilt and relief washed over me. He wasn't dead. He was unconscious but he was breathing.

"I was so scared. There was so much blood. His head was bleeding. As I knelt beside him, I notice his ragged breathing. Gar was having trouble breathing. I was terrified. I didn't want him to die."

Angela cautiously put her arm around Rachel trying to comfort her. "He didn't die. He got the help he needed in time."

Rachel pulled away from her mother. "No, he shouldn't have been there. He shouldn't have been lying on the pavement. He wouldn't have been there if it weren't for me."

"Is that why you're blaming yourself? You think it's your fault because you two argued? You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"Don't you see? If I hadn't lost my temper, if I hadn't said those things, we wouldn't be here. If I'd learned to control my temper at an earlier time, _none_ of this would've ever happened.

"Things happen and I react. Sometimes I overreact. I tell myself _not_ to feel, _not_ to let my emotions get out of control. I try to keep it all in but sometimes I can't. When I do react, it's as if my emotions explode. Things are worse than they were originally. You'd think I'd learn after getting hurt so much but I-I don't. Guess I'm just stupid."

"You are not stupid. You're a young girl who's been hurt too often. Sometimes you've been hurt by those who are supposed to care for you. I'm sorry that that happened. You're young so maybe you do overreact sometimes but that doesn't make you stupid. There are probably some adults who couldn't handle what you've been through."

"But I keep messing up. Gar wouldn't be here in the hospital if I hadn't overreacted to the news about _them_. There wouldn't be any news if I'd kept the secret, if I'd just lied and said I, I slept with a boy. Better yet, if I'd just kept my mouth shut when there were accusations of abuse none of this would've happened. _He_ wouldn't have hired Slade to teach me a lesson and I wouldn't have been raped. So you see, this IS my fault. _I'm_ to blame for _everything_ horrible that's happened."

"You give yourself too much power. You can't control what other people do, how they act. You only have the power to change or control yourself. It took me along time to understand that."

"So if I'd done the right thing then my father wouldn't have hurt me. I tried to do that but how could I do the right thing if I didn't know what it was."

Angela sighed, "I'm sorry but I'm afraid your father was just too angry to do the right thing. Unfortunately, I think some people have a disposition to be destructive and you got the brunt of it. I'm sorry." She eyed the teen sitting next to him. "Shouldn't your therapist be helping you with this sort of thing?"

Rachel sheepishly looked away. "I, uh, I haven't really been seeing her."

"Why not? She's there to help you."

"Maybe I'm just overly sensitive but she seems, I don't know, too judgmental. I _know_ I need help. I see that now. I thought I could handle things myself. But everything's spiraling out of control."

"You should find you someone new. I'm sure your current therapist is good but she's just not right for you."

Rachel took a moment before she said softly, "Thanks."

"Have you seen your friend?" Rachel shook her head. "Why don't you go see him?"

"You think I should? I mean, I'm the …his parents …I …"

"Yes I think you should see him. His parents are upset right now but I think they'd want his friends around him."

Rachel looked up at Angela when she mentioned friends. "Do you really think we're still friends …after what I said?"

"Yes, you two had an argument. Relationships don't end after one argument. Your other friends have been in to see him and they've gone home for awhile. I don't think they would've left if he was in serious condition. Go see him. It'll help you. Things aren't as bad as you're imagining."

Rachel nodded, agreeing she should see Gar.

They walked through the hospital hallways in silence. Angela knew Rachel had a lot to think about and she hoped that she'd helped her.

Rachel thought about what her mother said in the chapel, what she said about relationships. She knew she wasn't good at relationships. She hasn't had very good examples. What she's been through so far, an argument, even a simple disagreement could end things. At least leave things strained for a time. To Rachel everything was conditional. She'd be accepted on the condition that she didn't make a mistake or upset anyone. There were times when she felt like nothing she did was right. It might be wrong but that's how she felt.

She thought she was doing the right thing by keeping things bottled up. If anyone got hurt, it was just Rachel and that didn't seem to matter to anyone. It certainly didn't matter to her father if she was happy. She'd learned early to suppress her feelings. If she liked or didn't like something, Trigon would use it against his daughter. Up until now, Rachel was the only one hurt. Gar was hurt and Rachel didn't care what her aunt and uncle said, this _was_ her fault. She needed help. She had too much anger pent-up. Rachel didn't want to be like her father. She didn't want anyone getting seriously hurt because of her.

* * *

Rachel hesitated at the door to Gar's room. Angela surprised Rachel when she asked her if she wanted her to go in with her. She shook her head. "Thank you but no, I need to do this by myself." She opened the door and peaked her head in. The room was dim but there was enough light to see Gar in the bed.

"Okay, I'll be out here in the hall if you need me." She gave her an encouraging pat on her shoulder.

Rachel entered the room quietly. It looked as if Gar was just sleeping. Rachel wished he were simply asleep instead of being sedated. His head was bandaged and he had a black eye forming. There were tubes and wires connected to him. Through the blanket, Rachel could see the outline of a cast on his leg. She remembered how painful it was when she broke her arm and when she had bruised ribs. Gar was in worse shape than she'd ever been at one time. Rachel shuddered, she couldn't imagine the amount of pain that he was in. She realized it was good that he was sedated. Maybe he didn't feel too much pain?

Rachel's face reddened as guilt overcame her. She didn't this to him. She didn't physically push him into the path of that car, but she did push him away.

Rachel took a moment before speaking. She didn't know what to say. She started to speak when a machine beeped. Rachel's eyes grew large. Did Gar sense that she was here and he was upset by that?

A nurse came in, giving Rachel a kind smile. Rachel stepped back from the bed. She watched the nurse check the machines. Aware of Rachel's anxiety, the nurse explained that nothing's wrong. It was just time to check his vital signs and his sedatives.

When the nurse left, Rachel let out a sigh of relief. The room was quiet again. There was just the sound of Gar's even breathing and the soft hum and occasional muted click or whir of machines.

Rachel couldn't figure out how to say what she felt. 'Sorry' didn't seem to strong enough. Rachel got an idea and without hesitation, she began to sing softly Forgive Me by Evanescence. The song said what she felt. She didn't mean or want to say those things to Gar. She didn't mean for him to get hurt, certainly not like this. As she sang to her injured friend, her tears fell. " _Can … forgive me …? You're ... true friend … didn't mean to hurt …"_

Coming out of Gar's room, Rachel felt a strange mix of relief and remorse. She was glad she got to apologize to Gar. She truly didn't want to hurt him like she did. Rachel never wanted to hurt him but the fact that he was so nice to her made him an easy target. Even if Gar and the others never talked to her again, she did gain something positive from this. She was now aware of how much help she needed and that she couldn't do it on her own. Rachel glanced back to Gar's room. She smiled sadly. She might not have any friends but now she could get help. Maybe start building her self-esteem? Maybe someday they could be friends again?

* * *

 **Thank you. Please review.**


	43. Chapter 43:PALE

**Thanks for reading and if you reviewed.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 43: Pale**

* * *

 **"I have …break free / …thoughts in my mind / …"**

* * *

When the Walkers and Rachel returned home, Rachel went straight to her room. She was exhausted but just laid on her bed. Her thoughts were on Gar. She hoped he'd be okay. She'd hate it but she'd accept it if he didn't talk to her again, as long as he was alright. A silent prayer escaped her lips, please let him be okay. She bargained with God to let Gar recover and she'd be alone if that's what He wanted.

She didn't want to think about them but her thoughts turned to her parents. Her mother came to her when she needed her. Maybe, some day, they could be close? As far as Rachel was concerned, Trigon wasn't her father anymore. She didn't really care what happened to him as long as he stayed out of her life.

Lying on her bed in the dark room, Rachel heard her aunt and uncle talking in their room. She couldn't hear what they said but she was sure they were talking about her. She frowned. Had she messed up again?

* * *

Rachel sat in her room at the Walker's house. Her schoolwork was long forgotten. She had too many thoughts in her head to focus on mundane schoolwork. She's trying to figure out why she kept freaking out and messing up everything. She was afraid. It kind of felt like she was drowning. She didn't know what to do.

Her thoughts turned to her mother. Was this how she felt? Did she feel paranoid? Did she feel and see the same darkness everywhere? Was this how it was for her? Rachel was practically paralyze with fear. Would she end up like her mother? Would she end up trying to take her own life?

When the phone rang, Rachel ignored it. She knew Maureen was home. Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard her aunt's excited voice. Rachel stood in her doorway and heard Maureen's side of the conversation, "That's wonderful. Do you know if they need anything? Okay, well, let me know if they do. Thanks for calling and letting us know. Uh-huh, okay, thanks, bye."

Maureen went straight to Rachel after hanging up the phone. "Rachel, oh hi." Rachel surprised her by standing in the hall. "Did you hear that?"

"Yeah, I heard some of it. What was that all about?"

"Your friend, I think it was Richard, called to say Garfield woke up a bit ago. Isn't that great? If you want to see him, I could drive you to the hospital."

Rachel smiled but she seemed a little unsettled. "Yeah, that's great. I'm, I'm glad he's awake."

"Rachel what's wrong? I thought you'd be happier about the news."

"I am. I'm thrilled that Gar's awake. It's just …"

"What? What's wrong?"

"It's just that now that he's awake, he probably remembers everything and he hates me. But I'd rather have him awake and healing and hating me, than in a coma or something and me pretending things were okay with us."

"He doesn't hate you,"

"You don't know that."

"He might be irritated with you but I doubt he hates you."

"Did, did my mom tell you what we talked about?" Maureen nodded slightly. "Then you know I said some horrible things to Gar."

"She told me some of it but that was mainly between you two. She only told me what she thought I should know to try to help you. She didn't tell me what you specifically said."

Rachel frowned as she looked down at the faded carpet. "Well, to push Gar away, I basically said I wish we'd never been friends. I blamed his need for friendship for all the horrible things that had happened to me. I knew it wasn't true but I said it anyway. And now, I think I got my wish. He won't be my friend anymore."

Maureen chuckled softly, Rachel looked up at her with an annoyed and confused expression. "Girl, you do like to borrow trouble, don't you? You have everything worked out in your imagination. Has it ever occurred to you to _talk_ to him and see what he thinks before you lock yourself away? I think you'll find your friends to be more reliable than that."

Rachel nodded while avoiding Maureen's gaze. She knew her aunt was right. Rachel was ashamed she didn't give her friends more credit. "I'll see him but not today. I want to give him a chance to get adjusted. Maybe I'll wait till he goes home."

"Okay, I'm not going to push you. Just let me know if you need a ride." Maureen turned to leave but stopped. "Oh, I made an appointment for you to see a new therapist later this week."

Rachel's shoulders dropped as she rolled her eyes. She wasn't looking forward to seeing _another_ therapist.

* * *

Nervous, Rachel hesitated before entering a room in the hospital. She had an appointment with her new therapist. She didn't know if this one would help but now she knew she needed help. She couldn't go on like this. What her father and Slade did to her was eating away at her like a poison.

The room looked less like a doctor's office and more like a den. There were comfortable-looking armchairs and a coffee table in the middle. There was a desk but it was off to the side.

A tall, thin man in his late-fifties with thinning sandy blond hair stood. He offered her his hand to shake. "You must be Rachel. Hi, I'm Charles Patterson. If you feel comfortable, you can call me Charles or Charlie …or Chuck. Whatever makes you feel most comfortable?"

Rachel meekly shook his hand. "Thank you but I think I'll stick with Dr. Patterson. If that's okay?"

"Of course, I'm here to help you. I want you to be at ease when you're here. Would you like to sit down?" He gave her a choice off which chair to take. She quickly sat in the one closest to her. He took a seat across from her.

Dr. Patterson looked at the girl as she examined her hands in her lap. He'd studied her history. He knew that she'd been through hell and wanted to help her. He gave her a moment settle her nerves before beginning. He handed her a small mirror.

"Rachel, what do you see when you look in the mirror?"

Rachel glanced in it for a second before setting it down. "I'm …ugly …and worthless."

"Why do you say that? Look at it again and tell me what you see. Describe the girl in the mirror."

Rachel sighed before she picked up the mirror and forced herself to scrutinize her reflection. Ever since that horrible night with Slade, she's hated looking at herself. "She looks almost alien, like she doesn't belong here or anywhere else. I see a girl who is too pale. She looks sickly or ghostly. Her eyes are too large, they're only filled with pain. She looks …unwanted, alone, lost."

"The girl you described sounds as if she's distressed but not ugly. Why do you think you're ugly?"

"My father told me that numerous times."

"How did you feel when he said that?"

"It hurt. I knew he wanted to hurt me so I tried not to let it. He said it so much that it I guess I figured it must be true. Why else would he physically hurt me? I must be ugly and worthless for him to …" her voice trailed off. Dr. Patterson knew she was referring to the rape. He sensed she had more to say so he waited a moment before going on.

"He doesn't care about me," she continued, "He never did. All he cared about was keeping up appearances. As long as things LOOKED okay, that's all that mattered. He belittled me and put me down every chance he could. When he physically hurt me, he was always extra careful. It wouldn't be any good for the daughter of a wealthy businessman to be covered in bruises."

They continued to discuss her father. It didn't take much effort for Dr. Patterson to get Rachel to open up. Either he was an incredible doctor or Rachel was ready to speak about her problems. He knew that the timing was right for Rachel. She just needed to talk with someone she felt comfortable with, someone she didn't think would judge her.

* * *

Rachel was surprised by how much she said. Dr. Patterson's easygoing nature made it easy for her to open up. She said more in this one session than she did in any of her other therapist's sessions. As she walked though the hospital, Rachel realized how odd it is that she spoke so freely to him. Some men have seriously hurt her but men, real men, have also helped her. She found it hard to trust some women. Debbie and her previous therapists have contributed to those feelings.

Rachel hesitated a moment before stepping off the elevator. Since she was here, maybe she'd look in on Gar. Walking down the hall towards his room, she wondered if this is a good idea. She turned around and stopped.

"Rachel?"

"Gar?"

They were both surprised to see each other.

"You're walking?"

"Yeah, soon after I woke up they wanted me to start walking. They wanted me to be used to these things before I go home." Gar waved around one of his crutches.

"Slow down there, Gar," said his physical therapist. "Before you start doing tricks you need to master walking. We're done for today. We just need to get back to your room. Think you can handle that?"

"Handle it? It's only a few yards away," Gar puffed out his chest and flexed one arm. "I think I'm strong enough to go another lap or two."

Rachel rolled her eyes.

"Oh really, Mr. Show-off? Think you could handle another hour of walking? My next appointment cancelled so I have time."

"Another hour?" squeaked Gar. He stopped posing and shrunk down slightly. Rachel grinned at his reaction. "I, um, er, no. I think I should go to my room. Sorry."

"Wise decision, you shouldn't push yourself too soon. You need to gradually build up to walking that much."

Gar grinned, "Hey Rae-chel, wanna walk with me back to my room. I can show you how skilled I am."

"Uh, yeah, sure, okay."

"Awesome."

The three walked slowly down the hall. They were going at Gar's pace. For a while, they were silent. Rachel felt guilty about Gar needing to use crutches. Gar was focusing on walking. The strange clack then thump of the crutches and Gar's footstep was the only sound.

The physical therapist had only worked with Gar a short time but she'd noticed how much Gar liked to talk. She thought it was strange that he was so quiet now. She wondered if it was because of this girl.

"Hi, I'm Maggie," said the physical therapist, introducing herself to Rachel. "I see you're expecting. How far along are you?"

"Um, I think I'm maybe at about seventeen or eighteen weeks." Rachel wasn't used to answering questions about her pregnancy.

"That's a good time." Rachel looked at Maggie confused, so Maggie explained. "You're passed the morning sickness aren't you?" Rachel nodded. "Have you felt the baby move yet?"

"Uh, no, I don't think so. What does it feel like?"

"I don't know but my partner, Lauren, is at twenty weeks. I think it was around week seventeen that she started feeling movement."

Gar stopped walking. "You're having a baby? Cool. Congrats. You have a name picked out yet? You know you could always name it after your favorite patient."

"I didn't know you knew any other patients here. You know the guy in room 402?"

Rachel rolled her eyes at the face Gar made.

After Maggie got Gar settled and left, there was just an awkward silence between the two friends. At the same time, they said sorry. Again, they tried to apologize but spoke at the same time. With some of the tension gone, Gar laughed softly. Rachel smiled but it faded as she saw the shape of the cast under the blanket. Seeing Rachel's frown Gar asked what was wrong.

"I'm sorry. You're in here because of me."

"I stupidly ran out in front of that car. I thought they'd see me and stop. I knew better than to run into the street like that."

"You were only doing that because you were chasing after me. And that was because I, I …I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I thought I'd found out some information about my father and Slade going free. It turns out I was wrong but I …"

"You panicked."

"Yes, I panicked. I was so terrified about what they'd do to me that I couldn't think straight. Ugh, if I'd just taken a moment to calm down and think things through, none of this would've happened. I do this all the time. I overreact to things. Sometimes, I'm afraid that's why these horrible things have happened to me. I'm not trying to make excuses. I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You can't control what others do."

"People have tried telling me that. I'm trying to listen and learn."

Rachel gasped and clutched her stomach.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I think the baby just moved."

"Really? Can I feel?"

"Um, okay. Put your hand there."

"Here?" Rachel's face reddened as Gar put his hand on her belly. "I don't feel anything."

"It stopped. Guess it's shy."

"Kinda like its mother."

"That sounds so bizarre. I'm going to be a mother. Never in a million years did I think I'd be saying that. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm going to screw up everything."

"No you're not."

"How do you know that? I've screwed my own life up so why wouldn't I …"

"Because you have your friends to help you."

"You still want to be friends, after everything I …"

"Hey, you can't get rid of me that easily."

"Yeah, Vic always said you had a thick skull."

"Hey." Gar started to laugh but stopped because it hurt. Rachel apologized again. "No, it wasn't what you said. It just hurts to laugh. It sorta hurts to breath but the pain medication they gave me helps some. It kinda feels like I'm stuck in one of Kori's hugs but it's not that bad. I don't really know how to explain it."

"It's okay, I have an idea about how painful it is. Um," she hesitated before continuing, "I, uh, I've had bruised ribs before."

"What? When? Did your …"

"Yeah, my dad did it to me. I don't think he ever knew though. I kept a lot of things to myself. I never wanted him to know how much he hurt me."

"If you don't mind me asking, when did it happen?" Rachel sighed, she hated talking about what her father did to her. "That's okay, you don't have to tell me. I shouldn't have asked."

"No, it's okay. I'm supposed to talk about things. At least that's what my new therapist says. I know I can't keep all that bottled up." Rachel walked over to the window. She fiddled with the cord for the blinds as she spoke. "Um, it happened …the night after we all went out for ice cream."

Gar stared at Rachel's back. He thought back about that afternoon, when Rachel ended up laughing and having fun with them. He also remembered that Rachel was supposedly sick after that. When she did come back to school, she was skittish and shied away from everyone. That was when she cut her hair. How could, why would someone do that to her? He also wondered why nobody, including himself, noticed something was wrong with Rachel.

"He did a real number on me. It was worse than he's ever done before. He could've killed me that night. All because he thought he was losing control of me."

"I'm sorry, we should've known. If we'd helped you sooner than you wouldn't have to go through all of this."

"It's not your fault. I kept things, hid things from _everyone_. I thought if I didn't make _any_ mistakes then maybe he'd stop hurting me. But he was nothing but a bully. He never really cared for me. I was just something to power over."

"Sorry you have such a crappy family cause of your dad."

"He's not the only family I have. It turns out my mom has siblings. I'm living with my aunt and uncle now."

"Really? Cool. What're they like?"

"She's a little strict but okay. I think she had a problem with my mom but I know she's trying. I have an uncle who lives on the east coast. And another uncle who live here in California."

"Wouldn't it be crazy if he also live here in Jump City?"

"I never thought of that. I don't know why, but I never thought to look up mom's maiden name to see if anyone might be related to me."

"So, are you excited about your new family?"

"I don't know. Guess I kinda have mixed feelings about it. I mean a part of me is glad I _have_ family. But I'm also worried. What if they decide they don't want anything to do with me? What if they …decide they don't want me?"

"Why would they do that?"

"I don't know. Maybe they're still mad at mom for marrying da- Trigon? Maybe they really don't want me because of who my father is? Maybe I'm SO messed up that they shouldn't want anything to do with me?"

"Or maybe they'll see a girl who's struggling to survive and just needs a little help?" Gar gave her an encouraging smile.

Rachel continued to frown but ended up giving him a half-hearted smile. "Maybe?" She sighed. "Sometimes, I'm angry. If they'd been a part of our lives, would mom have attempted suicide? Would Trigon have abused me? My life might be so different if I'd had family to turn to." She sighed again. "Who knows, maybe _this_ is my destiny."

"Rachel …"

"I'm sorry." She shook her head. "Enough about my fucked up life. When do you think you'll get to go home?"

"Well, you heard Maggie. I have to be good enough on the crutches before I can go home. I heard the doctor talking to my parents about a special diet."

There was a knock on the door before a nurse entered.

"I'm gonna go," said Rachel.

Gar tried to get her to stay but Rachel insisted that she had to leave. She promised to call him later.

* * *

Marc Madsen entered his two-story house. He called his wife and children into the kitchen. His wife, Chelsea was the first one there. She wondered how things went. He'd just come from meeting with Rachel's social worker. Marc sighed, "The girl's been through a lot. She's been through a whole gamut of abuse, including sexual assault."

"Oh, how horrible. The poor thing."

"I guess everything started a few years ago when Angela attempted suicide."

"Oh my gosh, that's awful," said Chelsea. "The sexual abuse? Her father didn't …?"

"No, he didn't hurt his daughter _that_ much."

Chelsea let out a sigh of relieve. "Why didn't anyone tell you about Angela?"

"I don't know. Guess Trigon didn't want me to know. From the sound of things, this girl didn't even know she had family. But I'm not the only one who didn't know about it. Maureen was just as surprised as I was. The girl is staying with her now."

"Was Maureen in any way understanding or supportive of her niece?"

"Chelsea, I know you don't get along with my sister."

"Well, was she?"

"I think she tried. But I think there's still a lot of resentment left over."

"Humph, just as I thought. Where are those kids?" Chelsea called for her children again, "Eli? Lottie? Come to the kitchen, _please_."

"Sorry, mom, I was just finishing something." As a tall seventeen year old came into the room, he fiddled with his glasses.

"We'll need to get your glasses adjusted. Where's your sis…"

"Right here, mom," said a girl about eleven years old. "What did you guys want?"

"Why don't we all sit down?"

"What's THIS family meeting about?" asked Eli as he rolled his eyes.

"Well, you remember how your dad got a call about his sister's daughter, your cousin, being in trouble?" The kids both nodded.

"I met with my niece's social worker today. It turns out that she's in more trouble than I thought. Rachel, that's her name, needs a place to stay."

"Why can't she stay with her parents?" wondered their son.

"Well, your aunt Angela, you remember her?"

"Yeah, you talk about her all the time."

"She's in a mental hospital because she tried to hurt herself a few years ago."

"So, couldn't she stay with her dad?"

"Rachel can't do that because her father's hurt and neglected her. He was arrested for it a month or so ago."

Chelsea said, "I think I saw something about that on the news. I didn't realize he was Angela's husband."

"Well, after Angela married him, I never knew anything about her. I only saw her once when she was pregnant and she seemed happy."

"What's Rachel like?" asked Lottie.

"I don't know, I didn't meet her. The social worker said that Rachel's sixteen and kind of quiet. That she likes to keep to herself. But they don't know if that's just because of her being mistreated."

"Do you want our cousin to live here?" asked Eli.

"I was wondering if that might be a possibility. Right now, Rachel's living with your aunt Maureen and uncle Norman. She was only supposed to stay there for a few weeks but things are taking longer than expected. Your aunt and uncle don't know if they can keep her much longer. She could go into foster care but…"

"...but it's better for her if she's with family?" asked Chelsea. Marc nodded.

Lottie scrunched up her nose. She knew she wouldn't want to go to some strangers house. "I think she should come here. It'd be nice to have the girls out number the boys."

"Before we decide, you should know that Rachel's pregnant." Chelsea's eyebrows shot up in surprise and Eli looked concerned.

Lottie, however, was excited. "Wow, she's gonna have a baby?" A yellow lab came into the kitchen carrying his leash. "It's time for Cody's walk. Can I take him?"

"Sure, sweetie, you can take him, just don't go too far."

"I KNOW mom. Um, before I go, are we gonna let Rachel stay here?"

"That's what this meeting was about. I wanted to get everyone's opinion. It'll take some adjusting."

Lottie said, "I want her to come here."

Marc turned to his son. Eli said, "Sure, I'm okay with it."

Chelsea said, "She's family and we should help her if we can."

"Okay, I'll call the social worker and let her know that we'll take in Rachel."

As she left with the energetic dog, Lottie said, "Cool, I've always wanted a sister."

Eli called out to her, "Sometime sisters can be a real pain."

Marc said, "Are you sure you're all right with this? It'll be an adjustment for everyone."

"Yeah, like mom said, she's my cousin and if we can help her then we should. Um, how abused was she? I mean, you said she's pregnant but her dad didn't …you know, because I know sometimes horrible things like that happen."

"No, no, he didn't do anything _that_ horrible but she was raped. This girl's been traumatized. Between that and her father's beatings and neglect, it's going to take some time for her to heal."

* * *

In the car, they were quiet for a while. They were both wondering about the other one. Rachel tried not to look too long or too much at her uncle. He resembled his siblings. He mostly reminded her of her mother. He had dark hair and the same kindness as her mother's in his eyes. She thought she saw some pity in his eyes but that was quickly hidden.

Marc was the first one to talk. "So, I forgot to mention that I live here in Jump City, so you don't have far to go. You'll still see your friends.

"I'm sorry I didn't know about you. You know, if I did, then I would've helped you. I didn't even know about Angela. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, like you said, you didn't know. And about all that other stuff," Rachel let out an uneven breath, "I tried to keep it a secret. Um, but thank you for offering to help now."

"Are you nervous?"

"A little."

"Don't worry, I think we're pretty nice. How was it at my sister's?"

• "Okay, but what was your sister, um, aunt Maureen's? Sometimes it seemed like she had a problem with me."

"It's not really you that she has an issue with. She's still mad at Angela for getting married and leaving home."

"Why? Maureen seems older than mom. Wasn't she already out on her own?"

"Yes, Maureen's the oldest of us. She's about fourteen years older than Angela is. So by the time Angela in high school, Maureen was married and had a set of twins and a toddler to look after. My brother, Jeremy and I went away to school. That left Angela home to deal with our parents."

"All mom ever said about her family was that her parents were strict."

"Yeah, they were rather strict. They had their own ideas about how their kids should act. Angela didn't see things their way. They were always butting heads about something. Around the time Angela ran off with Trigon, dad was sick. Maureen's resentment comes from her having to help mom with dad when she had the twins and a toddler to look after. I don't know; guess there was just too much of an age difference to understand each other."

There was silence again as Marc navigated through heavy traffic. Rachel wondered about her mother's relationship with her family. Things might have been stranded between them but Trigon isolating his wife then his daughter only made things worse for the teen.

"You have two kids right?"

"Yeah, I have a son, Eli, he's seventeen. He's a junior at JCHS, maybe you know him."

Rachel thought a moment, "No, I don't think so."

"Well, it is a big school. I also have an eleven-year-old daughter, Lottie. Actually she's Charlotte but she goes by Lottie."

"She's Charlotte Madsen?"

"Yeah, it's a family name. Why do you ask?"

"Um, there's a gravestone at Hope Cemetery with the name Charlotte Madsen on it. Whoa, that sounds really disturbing but it's for someone who lived over a hundred years ago."

"I know, she one of our ancestors. I knew she was buried nearby but I didn't know where. How do you know about Charlotte-of-the-past?"

"Uh, one day, I was hiding from everyone and I ended up at that cemetery. I looked around and found her name on a gravestone. I …kind of imagined she was a relative that I could talk to. I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have done that. I'm not really _that_ creepy."

"Don't worry about it. She was a relative. And because you now have family, you don't have to pretend any more." As he turned down a residential street, Marc said, "Well, we're just about there."

Rachel recognized it. "You live near here?"

"Yeah, we're just down this street."

"One of my friends lives on this street."

"Really? Who is it, maybe I know them?"

"Uh, Gar Logan."

"Oh, the Logans, I know them. They're nice. It'll be good for you to have a friend nearby."

Rachel felt her face getting red and she didn't know why. Maybe she was just nervous? She hoped her uncle didn't notice. She was glad when he didn't or if he did, he didn't comment on it. A new set of butterflies was set off in her stomach as they pulled into a driveway.

"Okay here we are. Don't worr it'll be okay. I'm sorry I couldn't help you earlier. We'll do everything we can to help you now."

Not trusting her voice, Rachel only nodded her understanding.

Marc grabbed her few bags and went up to the mid-century modern house. Rachel took a few deep breaths before she followed him.

Inside the house, the rest of the Madsens were waiting to greet Rachel. The room, while not decorated as a party, had a positive, welcoming vibe. A woman with shoulder length auburn hair and hazel eyes stepped forward and introduced herself as her aunt Chelsea. The teen next to her, her cousin Eli, Rachel slightly recognized from school. The girl, Lottie, with her dark hair in braids and wearing glasses held up a sign made of notebook paper and colorful markers. The sign simply said _WELCOME_ _RACHEL_.

Rachel hesitantly waved and said, "Hi, um, thanks for letting me stay here for a while."

"Don't worry about it," said Chelsea, "we're family. That's what families do. They look out for one another."

"Well, thanks anyway."

"Wanna see your room?" said an excited Lottie. "Can I show her mom?"

"Okay."

"Cool, c'mon Rachel."

"Lottie, slow down. Sorry, Rachel, she's excited to have the girls outnumbering the boys."

Lottie called from the stairs, "C'mon Rachel. No, not you Cody. The room's not for you. Da-AD! Call Cody! He's gonna mess everything up."

Marc called for Cody and the yellow lab came racing down the stairs to the kitchen. "This is Cody, our two-year old lab. He's almost as wound up as Lottie." Cody was let out into the fenced back yard. "We also have a cat, Sasha. She's somewhere around here. We should go get you settled before Lottie loses it."

They found Lottie waiting impatiently in the upstairs hall. "Finally. Were you introducing her to all the trees and plants?"

"Yeah, sure of course, but we left the birds and the squirrels for you," said Eli, "You've named them all."

"Not all of them," said Lottie as she stuck her tongue out at her older brother.

Chelsea leaned over and whispered in Rachel's ear, "Welcome to the world of siblings."

Rachel smiled. They reminded her of how her friends could be sometimes. She hoped that will distract her. She entered her new room.

"Do you like it?"

Rachel looked around the room. The light aqua walls and the white trim and accessories gave the room a relaxing beach-y feel. While it wasn't her usual taste, Rachel did like it and said so. Not wanting to be part of a decorating discussion, the guys went back downstairs.

"Awesome, I'm glad you like it. I helped decorate it. Mom let me pick the color."

"Hey, Lots," said Chelsea, "let's let Rachel get settled some. Why don't you help me get dinner ready? You can come get her when it's time."

"What are we having?"

"I thought we'd have breakfast for dinner."

"Sure, I'll help. Be there in a minute. I'm just gonna show Rachel where the bathroom is, things like that."

"Okay, but don't be too long."

After Chelsea left, Lottie sat on Rachel's bed. "So, do you like waffles cause that's what we're having tonight. You know, breakfast for dinner."

Rachel smiled and nodded. She was glad she liked waffles because they seemed to be the thing everyone picked.

"Cool, you'll love dad's. Oh by the way, what _is_ your favorite color?"

"I like blues."

"I hoped you would. Mom wanted to do pink or purple but not _every_ girl likes _those_ colors"

"They're okay sometimes," said Rachel.

"Lottie," called Chelsea form the base of the stairs, "come down here, please,"

Ignoring her mother, the tween continued to talk. "Have you ever traveled out of the state, or country?" When Rachel shook her head, Lottie continued. "If you could travel _anywhere_ , _where_ would you go?"

"Charlotte Jo …"

"Uh-oh, I should go. Glad you came. Coming mom."

As Rachel unpacked her things, she smiled at the girl's enthusiasm. She hoped some of it might rub off on her.

After a pleasant dinner with waffles that were fluffy on the inside and the right crispness on the outside, Rachel sat alone in the family room. Both Eli and Lottie offered to cancel their plans but Rachel insisted that they keep them. She didn't need them babysitting her. Having a chance at a real family was all she needed.

"Here," Marc handed Rachel a book.

Rachel set aside the magazine she was flipping through to take the thick book. "What's this?"

"It's a photo album. I thought you might want to see pictures of your mom. I didn't know if Maureen had any at her place."

Rachel eagerly opened the book. There was an assortment of pictures of Angela. In most of them, she wa with friends and family. Rachel couldn't help but notice that Angela looked a lot like she did when she was that age.

There was a candid picture of Angela in her Brownie uniform. Rachel thought her mother looked just like she did when she, herself was seven or eight. If it wasn't 't for the change of the other people's fashion, the girl in the picture could've been mistaken for Rachel.

Rachel happily studied each photo. Occasionally, Marc pointed out who some of the people are. As time passed, there were less pictures of Angela. The next generation, babies, monopolized the pictures.

Chelsea joined them since she was done doing the dishes. "If you see any that you'd like to keep, let me know and I'll get you a copy off it."

Rachel thanked Chelsea as an awkward silence settled in.

Marc asked Rachel, "When did the abuse start?"

Rachel wondered when the questions would start. "What do you mean, like when did he first hit me?"

"Well, if you want to share that, I want to know what happened to you. I know it won't change things but …"

"It's okay, Dr. Patterson says I need to open up more. I'm trying to do that but it's not easy for me. I'm a very private person but I'll try.

"Um, it was soon before we moved here to Jump City. I think I was maybe twelve and I was complaining about something. I don't know, maybe it was because I was confused about why mom had to go away. I didn't understand it.

"Anyway, I guess I was getting on his nerves. He'd told me many times to stop asking him questions but I didn't stop, I wanted answers.

"I stopped when he slapped my face. I was so stunned. He'd never hit me before. He apologized and begged for forgiveness. He promised it would never happen again. Turned out he was a liar."

"So was that the first time you were abused?"

"There were times before that he'd hurt my feelings. That sounds so stupid and childish saying I felt mistreated because he hurt my feelings."

Chelsea said, "Your feelings did and do matter. There's nothing childish about it. Nobody likes or wants to feel bad."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "I used to think that's just how dads were. That it was his way of pushing me to do better. Anything less than one hundred percent wasn't good enough for him.

"Early on, I learned to guard my likes and dislikes. I didn't like how he'd use those against me."

"What do you mean?"

"I had to be careful when we went go someplace. Often if I said I liked something or thought something was cool or pretty, dad would buy it for me. I never said I _wanted_ it, I'd never do that. Afterwards, he'd comment that he was always buying things for his spoiled daughter. I never asked him for anything. Of course, I had to wear or use the things he bought even though I hated them. It didn't take me long to close myself off some. The more I showed, the greater the chance I'd be hurt."

"I am so sorry you had such a horrible childhood."

"It wasn't that bad. Usually, I was happy. At home, when mom was around, I was a chatterbox and I laughed and sang all the time. I just never liked it when dad lost his temper and yelled but I WAS happy when I was little. Guess I was a little like Lottie is now.

"Mom was so excited about everything I did. I remember how thrilled I was when I showed her that I'd learned to braid my doll's hair. She matched my excitement and let me braid her hair."

Rachel's face slowly crumpled as tears welled up in her eyes.

"Rachel, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry." Rachel awkwardly wiped her eyes with the heel of her hands. She was embarrassed to cry in front of her newfound aunt and uncle. Her only relief was that her cousins weren't there. She'd be mortified to cry in front of them. However, Rachel's tears increased the harder she tried to stop them. "I'm sorry. I just miss my mom so much."

Chelsea instantly went over and put her arms around the tearful teen. "Oh sweetie, I'm sure you do. I can't imagine what it must be like to be without her." Chelsea with tears in her own eyes, she held her niece tight. "There's no way I could replace your mom but I hope you'll let me help you."

Rachel nodded as she struggled to stop crying. "Th-thank you."

* * *

 **Reviews are always welcome.**


	44. Chapter 44: Breathe Today

**Thank you Kaori022, DimitraMitsos and guests for reviewing.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Flyleaf or any lyrics**

 **Chapter 44: Breathe Today**

* * *

 **"I can only …seen and heard / …you can choose / …every choice … affect you" -Breathe Today, Flyleaf**

* * *

Rachel was relieved to stay with the Madsens. The Walkers were kind. Rachel was grateful for them because she didn't know where she would've gone if they didn't take her in. However, Rachel thought she fit in better with the Madsens. Marc and Chelsea were easygoing. They only asked that Rachel help some around the house and she must go to all her doctors' appointments.

It didn't take long for Rachel to settle in with her new family. Maybe it had something to do with her sessions with Dr. Patterson. She opened up to him so much more that she ever had before. She was relaxed enough to share some things with Marc and Chelsea. Rachel wasn't constantly chattering about her mistreatment but she did feel comfortable enough to talk when she felt like it.

Having her cousins around also helped Rachel. For a while, they were a little tentative around each other but that didn't last long. Having her young cousin, Lottie, looking up to her, helped Rachel _want_ to get better. Rachel didn't want her troubles affecting the young girl.

When the trial period was over, Marc and Chelsea decided to have a family meeting. Rachel was included because it involved her - would she stay with them? Even though she was almost certain that they liked her, Rachel was still nervous. If they didn't keep her, where would she go? Would she go on back to her Aunt Maureen's house? Or would she go to some place else? Rachel wondered if she didn't stay here, how many houses she would be bounced around to until she's eighteen.

* * *

Chelsea needed some time to herself so she decided to go for a walk. As she walked, she thought about what needed to be done. She didn't realize having an extra person in the house would cause so much additional work. She didn't regret letting Rachel live with them, or that Rachel didn't help. There was just more groceries to get, more laundry to do. She walked by the Logan's house just as Marie pulled into the driveway. "Hi, Marie, how are you this morning?"

"I'm fine, just busy. You know how it is." Marie started to unload the trunk full of groceries.

"Here, let me help you." Chelsea grabbed a couple of bags and followed her friend to the kitchen. They repeated this a few times before they were done.

Before Marie started putting things away, she asked Chelsea to stay for coffee. "It's been awhile since we could get together. If you're as busy as I am then I completely understand."

"Sure. Want me to get it started so you can finish that?" While Chelsea made the coffee, she wondered about Gar. "How's Gar doing? He's home now, right? I thought I saw him at home the other day."

"Yeah, he's back at home. Where he should be. Right now, he's at physical therapy," said Marie. "I was so scared when I got the call that he was in an accident."

"I can't even image how frightened you must've been. I'm glad he's doing better."

"I've never been so terrified. When Gar was in the hospital, the house was too quiet. I could hear myself think. I didn't like where my mind went, all the what ifs. I know we were both scared but it felt as if Mark and I fought every time we were home. You know, I never used to understand how a couple could separate after losing a child but now …I do understand."

"Marie, you and Mark aren't thinking about getting a divorce are you?"

"No, no, of course not. Like I said, we were both scared that we'd lose Gar even though the doctor said he was out of the woods."

"If you knew Gar was okay then what did you two fight about?"

"We blamed each other but mainly ourselves for not being good parents."

"Marie, you and Mark are _great_ parents. You've raised a good kid with Gar.

"Well, that was another argument we had regularly. I sometimes think that Gar is too trusting and too helpful."

"What do you mean by that?"

"When Gar was younger, he was always bringing home sick or injured animals to help them recover. As he gets older, I think still he wants to do that but he wants to help people in trouble."

"That's good of him."

"I know, I should be proud of him and I am. It's just that sometimes," Marie sighed, "I don't think Gar's judgment is the best. I'm afraid of him getting mixed up with the wrong people and getting hurt worse than he did this time."

"Gar is a smart young man, I'm sure he can handle …"

"He wasn't smart enough to stay away from _that_ girl."

"What girl?"

"That _Rachel_ girl. Gar brought _her_ home one night saying she needed help. Maybe she did need help but I got a sense from her that there was something troubling about her."

"Maybe what you sensed wasn't that she _caused_ trouble but that she was _in_ trouble."

"Maybe you're right about some of that but _she's_ the reason Gar was hit by that car. I don't like that he's so close to her."

"How do you know _she_ caused the accident? Maybe it was just that, an accident."

"Gar said he went after that Rachel girl because he was worried about her doing something dangerous. I don't like him getting mixed up in stuff like that."

"I understand. We want to protect and shield our kids but sometimes, horrible things happen. What if some of those horrible things happened to Rachel and Gar is helping her pull out of it?"

Marie sighed, "That's what Gar hinted at but why does _he_ have to be the one to help her? Hasn't my son been hurt enough? Can't someone else help this girl?"

"We're going to try our best to help her."

"What do you mean? Why are you …?"

"Well, it turns out that that girl, Rachel is Marc's niece and she's been through some hellish horrors."

"She can't be the same girl."

"She's sixteen, pretty, petite with dark hair and blue eyes. She's very quiet, doesn't talk much about herself. Sometimes she's almost painfully shy around people. She's maybe five months pregnant by now."

As Chelsea described Rachel, Marie realized that they were talking about the same girl. "I'm sorry; I didn't realize she was your niece."

"We didn't know it either; not until last month."

Marie looked confused so Chelsea explained.

"Chelsea, I'm sorry, I didn't know. I guess I shouldn't have complained about Gar helping her but I was worried about him."

"I understand. I do, I get it; you want to protect him. You want what's best for him. You wanted to keep him safe. That's what a parent's supposed to do.

"Rachel's slow to open up to us but she has mentioned some things. Things like how she got the scars on her arm. She said her father started that but she continued to cut herself. Can you imagine a parent doing that to his or her own child? I don't understand. If he didn't want her, why didn't he just give her up?"

"How horrible. Unfortunately, some people aren't meant to be parents. Lucky for her, she gets a chance to see how a good family works. Again, I'm sorry; I shouldn't have been so hard on her. I should've recognized that all she was going through wasn't her fault. Don't worry, of course I'll let Gar help her."

"Thank you and you don't have to keep apologizing. Like I said, I understand. I don't want my kids exposed to this but I can't turn her away. Rachel desperately needs some stability in her life."

"You and Marc will be good for her."

"I know, it's just …" Chelsea sighed, "Marie, she's pregnant and it's not her fault, she was raped. But I never wanted that kind violence in my house. I know it's not Rachel's fault but she's indirectly brought in violence. Eli's older, so I think he understands but Lottie …she's just a little girl." Chelsea sighed again. "Okay so she's not _that_ little but she's _my_ little girl. Marc and I have started to have 'the talk' with Lottie so she knows a little about how things work. But we were going to ...you know, gradually get into it. Now our hands been forced, we have to tell Lottie everything. How do we explain the horrors of rape to our eleven year old? I don't understand how somebody could hurt another person like that. How do I help my daughter understand?

"I _want_ to help Rachel. I just don't want my daughter to lose any of _her_ innocence because that sick son of a bitch didn't care about his own daughter."

"Isn't it hard being a parent, a good parent? This might sound strange coming from me and I should've realized it earlier but maybe in helping Rachel, she'll help you guys. She'll help your, our kids to be more compassionate."

"You're probably right," said Chelsea, "but I can't help imagining what would happen to Lottie if she were in Rachel's place. If something happened to me and Marc and years down the road, Lottie got in trouble with a boyfriend, would family and friends help her?" Chelsea broke down crying at her own imagined horrors.

"We're quiet the pair here, crying into our coffee." Marie grabbed a box of tissues. Each woman took a few.

"I'm sorry," said Chelsea as she wiped her eyes, "I didn't mean to get so upset. Sometimes it's all so overwhelming. We've only known about Rachel for about a month.

"Is she going to keep the baby?"

"I don't know. I don't think _she_ knows. When she first came to us, I asked her about it. She admitted to me that she felt no maternal feeling towards the baby. I think she's ashamed of feeling like that. I can't imagine what it'd be like to be pregnant at sixteen and alone."

"I know. Sometimes it was hard enough being in my twenties and married."

The two friends continued to discuss ways to help Rachel. They came up with a plan that if Rachel decided to keep the baby, that Marie will help them redo the Madsens' small office into a nursery.

* * *

Rachel was in her room, trying to relax but the baby had other ideas and was active. She was tired and wanted to take a nap but couldn't with the baby kicking. Deciding to try meditation, she sat on the edge of her bed.

Rachel sat with her legs dangling over the side of the bed. She closed her eyes as she rested the back of her hands on her knees. This wasn't her preferred way to meditate but it was better than nothing. Even though she wasn't too large, she was large enough for her petite frame. Because of her pregnancy, Rachel had trouble sitting on the floor. She tried to ignore the dog, Cody barking in the backyard.

Taking a deep breath in through her nose, Rachel held it for a moment before she let it out through her mouth. She did that several times before she softly repeated her mantra.

The meditation was working both Rachel and the baby were calmer. "Oh… Would _please_ you calm down?" The baby just kicked hard, breaking Rachel's concentration. There was a knock at the door. "Yes?"

"Rachel?" It was Lottie.

"Yes?"

"Could I come in?"

Rachel sighed. She wasn't going to do any more meditating now. "Sure, come in. What is it?"

The girl sat next to Rachel on the bed. "I was going to knock on your door a moment ago but I heard you in here. What were you doing?"

"Oh, I was meditating. I was trying to relax but I couldn't." Rachel pointed to her belly.

"I heard you saying eye-kwam seer-wa-ray men-tem?"

" _Aequam servare mentem_ , that's my mantra."

"What does that mean?"

"They're the words I use when I need to focus when I meditate."

"But what do those words mean?"

"Oh, um, it loosely translates to 'to preserve a calm mind' or 'just keep your mind'."

"How do you know that? How do you know how to meditate?"

"Uh, my friend, Azaria, taught me those words and how to meditate."

"How do you do it? Could you show me?"

"Well, it's pretty easy. You just need a quiet place. You can meditate for a few minutes up to a half hour. You can use words …"

"A mantra?"

"Yes, but you don't always have to use a mantra. You just need to take a few moments to clear your mind and get refocused."

"Could I use your mantra?"

"Why don't you use something a little simpler? Like, um, 'peace, quiet, tranquility'. That is, after all, your goal when meditating."

"Okay, so how do I do it? I saw something once where the person was sitting like this." Lottie tried to pull her legs up into the lotus position, with her feet on top of the opposite thigh. She wasn't having much luck. Lottie almost fell of the bed.

"You can sit normal, you know, cross-legged. Usually I do but I can't because of the baby." Lottie settled next to Rachel. "Okay, now what?"

"You can close your eyes. Try to focus on calming thoughts. It's fine if other thoughts enter your mind, you just want to try ignoring those."

Lottie scrunched up her nose. "That's ALL you do? Just sit and think? What's so hard about THAT? Anyone can do it."

"Well, it's more than just thinking. There are seven areas of energy in your body and you want get those centered." Rachel tried to remember how Azaria explained it to her when she was younger than Lottie was now. She wanted to keep things simple, just go over some of the basics."

Lottie giggled as she poked her own belly button. "Is it here?"

"You're close, for one of them. These energies run from the base of your spine to the top of your head."

"What are they and what they do?"

"Okay, um, the first one is at the base of your spine. It's your life force energy. It has to do with survival and keeping you grounded. It's called the root or base chakra. The next one is just above the base chakra. It's the focus of your confidence and sociable energy.

"My confidence comes from my butt?" Lottie giggled again.

"No, it's right here," Rachel put her hand on the lower side of her expanded stomach, "just below your belly."

"Sorry, keep going."

"There is a chakra at your stomach. It's the focus of mental clarity and humor."

"What IS Cody barking about? He usually doesn't bark this much." Lottie jumped up and went to the window. Rachel's window looks to the backyard. Lottie tried to see what the dog was barking at. "Oh good, Dad's gone out to stop him. Sorry again."

Rachel took a deep breath as her cousin sat back down. "So the next chakra is at your heart. It's your emotional energy. The fifth charka is at your throat. It is for your communication energy. Healing energy can also come from this chakra. The next chakra is found at the forehead. It's for your intuition and imagination energies. Finally, the crown charka is at the top of your head. Inspiration and spiritual energies are found here."

"So once you have them, what do you do with them?"

"Everyone has chakras but most people aren't aware of them. The chakras are all connected."

"Like beads on a string?"

"Yeah, kinda like that. You want to have all your energies flowing. Meditation helps you align and center them. Once they're centered, you'll have greater focus and more control of yourself."

"You've probably been meditating for years. Do you have all your chakras centered?"

Lottie's question was innocent but Rachel struggled not to show that it affected her. "No… it's been awhile since I've felt at peace with myself."

"It's 'cause of the bad stuff that happened isn't it? Sorry, didn't mean to make you think about it."

"Don't worry about it. I'm working on getting better. I forgot about meditation for a long time but I'm trying to get back to it."

Realizing that she interrupted Rachel, Lottie said, "I should probably let you get back to your meditating."

"That's okay. What did you want anyway?"

"I was just wondering if we could hang out for a while."

"Sure, we can do that. What do you want to do?"

"That's okay. You taught me how to meditate. I'm gonna go practice in my room. See ya later."

Rachel smiled to herself as the girl shut the door behind her. It was hard to believe she was ever _that_ energetic.

* * *

Rachel spent the next night tossing and turning. She couldn't get comfortable. She tried meditating but that didn't work. Not only was she uncomfortable but the baby was awake and kicking. With a sigh, Rachel rolled out of bed. Maybe some chamomile tea will help her?

In the kitchen, Rachel quietly set the tea kettle on the stove. She was so focused on the tea kettle not making any noise that she didn't hear someone enter the kitchen.

"Couldn't sleep?" Rachel gasped and spun around, almost knocking her mug off the counter. "Sorry," said Marc, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"I'm okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"You didn't, I was already awake. Do you want some pie?"

Rachel nodded. "Do you want some tea, it's chamomile?" Even though she knew she was the only one who drank herbal tea.

"Thanks but I'll just stick with the pie. So, you can't get comfortable?"

"How'd you know?" Rachel sat at the table with her tea. Marc brought over a slice of peach pie for each of them.

"I remember Chelsea having trouble with that. Talk with her. Maybe she has some ideas for you."

"Thanks I will but it's not just that I can't get comfortable. The baby likes to move around in the middle of the night."

"If I remember right, before they were born, Eli was an early riser and Lottie was a night owl. Now, they've switched."

"Well, this little thing likes to be active at two in the morning."

"Um, have you decided yet whether you're keeping the baby?"

Rachel took a moment to look into her tea. It was almost as if she was looking for the answer in the steam. "No, I haven't decided. Honestly, I don't know what to do. A part of me wishes someone would just _tell_ me what to do. But I know that's not going happen."

"You know we'll support your decision."

"I know." Rachel propped her elbows on the table then rested her chin on her hands. "It _should_ be easy, right? I never wanted to be pregnant so I should just give it away but …" The teen sighed, "It was always just a _thing_ before. After it started moving, kicking, it became real. At my last doctor's appointment, Dr. Lane said if it were born now, it wouldn't be easy but there's a chance it could survive. She said that it looks like a real baby now. It doesn't look like a deformed squiggly thing. It's a real baby. It's that monster's baby."

"It's your baby too."

"Yeah," she gave her uncle a sad smile. "Guess it'd just be easier to give it up. That way it'd have a chance at a pair of good parents. Besides, you guys have enough extra work with me here."

"Rachel, you're family. We will support you if you decide to keep your baby. We didn't _have_ to take you in but we want you here. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, sorry."

They were silent for a while as they ate their pie. Both were lost in their own thoughts.

"Rachel, Lottie was telling me that you were teaching her how to meditate."

"Yeah, yesterday she asked me about that so I told her some things."

"She said you were chanting."

"She means I was using my mantra. I told her to use something simple and basic."

"Lottie also said you taught her about chakras and how to align them."

"Yes, I just told her the basics. It can be a little complicated so I kept things simple." Rachel saw that her uncle didn't look happy. "Did I do something wrong?"

"Not really, I just wish you'd talk with me or Chelsea before you share some things, especially with Lottie."

"I'm sorry but Lottie asked what I was doing so I explained meditation to her. I didn't think it would be a problem. Meditation has helped me …when I remember about it. I kinda forgot about it after Azaria got sick."

"Who's Azaria?"

Rachel smiled at the memory. "She was kinda like a grandmother to me. Azaria's family, her children, didn't speak to her anymore and Mom didn't speak to her family. So, we kinda adopted one another; we became a family. She was such a free spirit. She was more of a spiritualist than religious. I loved everything about her. Azaria taught me meditation."

"Where's Azaria now?" Marc wondered why this woman didn't help Rachel.

"She got sick and died when I was ten."

"I'm sorry."

"I think that's why I forgot about meditating. At first I focused on helping Azaria feel better then I was too sad to do it."

They were quiet again. Marc finished his slice of pie while Rachel just picked at hers.

"You know," said Marc, "you don't have to do extra chores around here. You don't have to do all the laundry."

"Did I do something wrong?" She tried to think of what she did wrong.

Marc watched the panic fill Rachel's eyes. He was surprised a simple comment could do this. He regretted upsetting her again. "Don't worry, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong. I just don't want you thinking you have to earn your keep."

"Sorry. I just …" Rachel avoided any eye contact. She didn't want to show how scared she was.

"Don't worry about it. We're not going to put you out. You are family. You're stuck with us." Marc got up and put his plate and fork in the sink. He noticed that Rachel was still quiet. "Don't worry about things. It's okay. I'm going back to bed. Don't stay up too much longer."

"I won't, 'night again." Alone again, Rachel slowly finished her tea and pie. She had to be careful. If they didn't like her, they wouldn't keep her. It wouldn't matter that she was family.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" asked Kori as she sat at the picnic table. It was a couple weeks after the Fourth of July and it was the first time the five of them could get together. During the holiday, Rachel met her cousins, her uncle Jeremey and her grandmother. She had a family.

"I'm _fine_. Why does everyone have to ask me that?" The pregnant teen sighed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just tired of this." Rachel looked towards the parking lot. "What's taking the guys so long?"

"Richard called and said Vic and Gar got into the usual squabble, meat vs. tofu. Honestly, I do not understand why they do this every time."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "It's because they're both stubborn. It's ridiculous."

"Absolutely. They are too old to be acting like snurffleheads"

Rachel glanced at her friend but let it slide. By now, she was used to Kori's odd expressions. "So, what are they doing?"

"Richard said they have to go to two more place before they have the right food."

"It's just food for a picnic. Why are they making it a big deal?"

"I do not know. Like you said, they are pony-headed."

"I think you mean pigheaded."

"That is what I said. Anyway, speaking of food, do you have any cravings?"

"Even though, I can't stand them I can't get enough green olives."

"Do you want me to call Richard and have them get you some?" Kori picked up her phone.

Rachel waved her hands to stop Kori. "No. It'll take them forever to get here if they have to go to a grocery store."

"You are probably correct." Kori put down her phone and studied her friend. "You look tire. Are you getting enough sleep?"

Rachel sighed, "I'm doing the best I can, but this baby has other ideas."

"That is too bad. I wish I could do something to help you."

"Don't worry about it. This will all be over in a few months."

"So, have you made a decision?"

Rachel sighed again. "Yeah, I think I'll give it up for adoption. That's probably the easiest and best thing to do."

"That might be true but will it be easier for you? You look so sad saying that you'll give your baby up."

"The baby deserves _two_ _good_ parents. I know the Madsens said they'd support whichever decision I make but …I can't put them through that. They already have their hands full with me."

"But you wish you were able to keep it?"

Rachel slightly nodded. "Yes. For months, I've thought of this baby as a THING. It was another thing that has messed up my life. I wanted nothing to do with it. I just wanted all of it to disappear."

"Your feelings have changed?"

"Things started to change after I could feel it moving. I tried to ignore it but this little one won't be ignored anymore." Rachel looked down as she gently rubbed her expanded stomach. Her voice was tender as she spoke. "I'm learning its sleep pattern. It likes to get up very early in the morning." Rachel looked up at her friend, "Did you know that a baby, before it's born, can have hiccups? This one does, especially after I've had ice cream." Rachel's smile faded from her face. "Two weeks ago, for the first time, I thought of it as mine."

"That is a good thing, is it not?"

"Not if I'm going to give it up. A part of me wishes I could keep it. I've thought of it. I'd let the Madsens help me but I'd raise him or her on my own. I'd get a small place of my own, a job, I'd do everything right for us. If I couldn't go back to school, then I'd get my GED. I'd raise him or her right but that's not gonna happen." Rachel stopped for a moment. "Besides, I'm not ready to take care of a baby."

"I am so sorry. I wish I could help you. I wish you did not have to go through this."

"Thanks, it means a lot that you and the guys stand by me." Rachel shifted again. "Ugh. Can we walk around a little? I can't get comfortable here on this picnic bench."

"Of course. We can walk around while we wait for the guys to come. Let me help you." Kori got up and hurried around to help Rachel.

As they slowly walk through the park Rachel wondered if this was how her mother felt when she was pregnant. In her diary, she wrote that the baby moved around a lot.

* * *

Vic burst through the emergency room doors. He was holding a distressed Rachel in his arms. "We need a doctor."

A nurse and doctor rushed over to them. "What's wrong?"

Richard, Kori and Gar raced through the doors and over to them. Kori said, "We were walking through the park and she doubled over in pain."

"Okay," said the doctor, "bring her into this room." Vic and the others followed her into an exam room. Vic carefully laid Rachel on the hospital bed. The doctor asked the four concerned friends, "Did she fall or get injured in any way before she felt pain?"

The guys looked to Kori. She was with Rachel last. Kori shook her head. "No, I do not think so. And I do not remember Rachel saying anything about that. She only said that she could not get comfortable because the baby moved so much."

The doctor nodded, taking in this information. She asked, "Do any of you know how far along, Rachel, is it? How far along Rachel is?"

The four friends looked at each other, they didn't know. One of them finally said, "Um, think she might be due sometime in the fall."

The doctor went over to Rachel who was obviously in pain. A thin layer of sweat formed on her brow. "Rachel, I'm Dr. Kendra Bennett. Sweetie, how far along are you?"

Rachel groaned in pain. "Um, twenty-eight, no twenty-nine weeks. What's wrong? Something's wrong."

"We're not sure right now but we'll find out. You might be going into labor."

"No. It's too soon."

"If you are going into labor, we'll try to stop things. However, if we can't, try not to worry. Your baby has a good chance of surviving even if he or she was born today. A baby can survive if it's born this early." The doctor turned to the others, "We're going to make your friend comfortable and find out what's wrong. You four should go to the waiting room. Call her parents. We'll keep you informed."

In the waiting room, Kori voiced what they were all thinking, "I hope everything will be okay."

Back in Rachel's room, the nurses and doctors were trying to figure out what was going on with Rachel. Rachel repeated, "Something's wrong. The baby has been very active but now I don't feel anything from it."

The doctor went over to Rachel. "We're going to figure things out. Try not to worry. It'll help things if you're calm."

Rachel took a deep breath and nodded, "I'll try." She closed her eyes, took a deep breath in from her nose, and let it out her mouth. She thought she was spent too much time in hospitals this past year. She didn't want to be there. Rachel hoped things would be okay and she'd get to leave soon. She tried to stay calm as the doctor did an ultrasound. It took a while before they heard the soft slow whooshing of the baby's heartbeat.

Rachel started to panic. "What's wrong? Why did it take so long to find the heartbeat? Why is …?"

Someone came into the exam room. "Rachel, are you all right?" It was Rachel's doctor, Dr. Lane.

"Dr. Lane, something's wrong."

"I know it's not easy but try to stay calm. I'm going to go over things with Dr. Bennett." After the doctors discussed Rachel's situation, Dr. Lane went back to worried teen. "Rachel, you are in labor. You're having contractions."

"No. It's too early. Can you stop it?"

"Normally, we'd try but your baby's distressed. According to the ultrasound, there's something wrong with the umbilical cord."

"Oh God! No!"

"Try not to worry. We're doing everything we can to make sure you and your baby are all right."

"I-I'm scared."

"I know, sweetie, I know. Just try to stay calm. We'll get you two through this."

While they were prepping Rachel for the delivery room, Dr. Lane went to the waiting room. There, Marc and Chelsea had arrived. Everyone was surprised and worried that Rachel was going into labor. Dr. Lane reassured them that she'd do everything she could to keep Rachel and the baby safe.

* * *

"Listen to me Rachel," said Dr. Lane, "I'm not going to lie to you. This isn't going to be easy. It's going to hurt, a lot. You've been strong through everything so far. I'm going to need you to stay strong, okay?"

"Okay. But I'm scared."

"I know, believe me, this isn't how I wanted things to go for you. Just remember, you're a fighter. You wouldn't have survived this long if you weren't. When I tell you to push, you're going to have to push. When I tell you to stop, then stop. Another contraction should happen soon. When you feel that, push."

Rachel felt the muscles of her abdomen tighten. The pain was worse than she'd felt so far. She cried out in pain. She squeezed a nurse's hand.

"Push, Rachel, you need to push."

Rachel grunted as she pushed. She pushed two more times but stopped. Something was wrong.

"Rachel, you need to push."

"No … some …some …thing's …wrong." Rachel was getting weak.

A machine beeped. "Her BP's dropping."

"Rachel? Rachel? Stay with me."

Rachel's eyes fluttered open. "I'm …I'm …trying …" Rachel suddenly felt like her eyelids were too heavy. Her grip on the nurse's hand lessened. Rachel's hand dropped on to the bed. The teen was motionless.

"Rachel? Rachel?" Dr. Lane got no response. The alarm on baby's heart monitor went off. The baby was in trouble. "We have to get the baby out _now_. We have to do a cesarean. Rachel? Can you hear me? Rachel? Please stay with me."

Rachel barely heard Dr. Lane's voice. Rachel felt like she was in a fog. The sound of her own blood rushing through her ears blocked out the doctor's voice. Rachel knew she should fight to wake up but she was so tired of fighting all the time. For once, she'd like to get a break.

As Rachel drifted away from everything happening in the room, her mind wandered. It was almost as if she saw flashes of what she'd been through: Moving in with the Madsens. Gar being hit by the car. Finding out she was pregnant. Being cornered by Slade. Waking up in the hospital after being attacked by Slade. Fighting with her friends. Cutting her hair. Being beaten by her father. Seeing her mom. Breaking her wrist in that car accident. Being bullied by Kitten. Trigon hitting her for the first time. Moving to Jump City. Finding her mom on the floor.

They weren't all bad memories. Some were good: finding good friends, meeting Jason, leaning she has a family, feeling like she belonged.

Slowly all memories, good and bad faded as everything went dark.

* * *

 **Reviews are always welcome.**


	45. Chapter 45: Over You

**Thank you everyone.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titan, Miranda Lambert or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 45: Over You**

* * *

 **"'Cause you …/ But I'm not …over you" – Over You, Miranda Lambert**

* * *

In the waiting room, everyone was worried about Rachel. Vic finally sat down after pacing the room. Kori and Richard leaned against one another. Marc had his arm around his wife. Next to Vic, Gar fidgeted with his phone in his seat. Maureen and Norman sat close to each other, quietly praying.

"Everything will to be okay. Rae'll be back to her old self in no time. I can feel it. It just has to be; everything has to be o…" Gar didn't finish his sentence. He saw the doctor come in the waiting room and she looked upset. Everyone else turned and looked at the Dr. Lane.

Marc stood up. "Dr. Lane?" The others stand up as well.

Dr. Lane motioned for them to sit back down. She took a seat with them. "We're done and Rachel is doing well …right now. She's in recovery." Everyone was relieved that she was okay.

"And the baby?" asked Vic, "How is it doing?"

Dr. Lane's expression told them the news wasn't good. She shook her head. Knowing what she was implying everyone gasped and Kori started to cry. "I'm sorry. There were complications. Rachel went into labor because the baby was in trouble. During labor, the baby became distressed. We had to act fast; Rachel was fading. I'll be honest, for a moment, I was afraid we'd lose Rachel. She was very weak and lost a lot of blood.

"When we got to the baby, the umbilical cord was wrapped around it. Unfortunately, Rachel's baby was so active that he was twisted up in the umbilical cord. I'm sorry. We tried to save him."

"Him? Rachel was having a boy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. We tried everything we could but the baby had gone without oxygen for too long. Obviously, this isn't how I wanted things to turn out for Rachel."

"When can we see Rachel?"

"The nurses are getting her settled now. Someone will come for you when they're done."

"Does she know? Does Rachel know the baby didn't survive?"

"No, she lost consciousness during labor. That's why we had to do the cesarean. I'm going to go check on her now. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me. Again, I am very sorry."

Everybody was shocked. The baby, Rachel's baby didn't make it. It sounded as if they almost lost Rachel. They all wondered what this would do to her. Would Rachel be able to endure more adversity?

* * *

The first thing that Rachel was aware of was the soft muffled sounds, hushed voices, in the room. That and the unique scent of a hospital. Beginning to stir, Rachel heard people coming near her. Slowly opening her eyes, it took a moment for Rachel to focus on her family and friends. Maureen and Norman had gone to tell Jane what happened.

"Wh-what …what …happened?" Rachel asked weakly. Suddenly remembering, she answered her own question. "I …I went into labor, didn't I?" She slowly moved her hand to her empty abdomen. "Where's the baby? I know I'm going to give it up but I want to see it."

"I'm sorry, Rachel …"

"What? Why? Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry, Rachel, the baby didn't make it."

The fogginess in Rachel's mind quickly dissipated. "What!" Rachel struggled to sit up. "No, you're wrong. Dr. Lane said a baby could survive if it was born this early. It wouldn't be easy but it could survive."

"Rachel …"

"No! You're wrong! I'm supposed to give this baby to a loving family. I can't do that if you're right. So you are wrong. You have to be wrong." Dr. Lane came in the room. "Dr. Lane, tell them that they're wrong. Tell them that the baby is okay. It's small and probably attached to tubes and monitors but it's going to be okay."

"I'm sorry, Rachel. We did everything we could but your baby just couldn't survive. I'm very sorry."

The doctor's word hit Rachel and everyone else hard. Tears stung Rachel's eyes but she didn't cry. It was almost more heartbreaking that she didn't cry. That meant Rachel was keeping it all inside.

A few minutes later, Rachel took a shuddering breath and said, "I …I want to see the baby. I want to say good-bye."

"Are you sure?" said Dr. Lane, "Of course, you can go see him. However, it's also all right if you don't think you can. There's nothing wrong with that. Some parents just can't see their child in that way."

Rachel nodded slightly. "I need to do this."

With tears falling from her green eyes, Kori asked, "Do you want one of us to go with you?"

Rachel shook her head, "Thank you but no. I think I should do this on my own."

With Vic and Marc's help, Rachel got out of bed. She swayed slightly. Marc held her up. He said, "Are you sure you can do this?"

After taking a deep breath, Rachel repeated, "I need to do this." As Rachel and her doctor left the room, Rachel noticed that even the guys had tears in their eyes. She gave them a sad smile. "Wait here, I'll be back soon."

The two females slowly walked down the hall in silence for a while. Rachel asked what's been on her mind. "Dr. Lane, what happened? What did I do wrong?"

"Oh Rachel, you didn't do anything wrong. It was just unfortunate circumstances."

"But I had to have done something wrong. Was it because I didn't know I was pregnant for so long and I didn't take care of myself? Soon after I was …raped, I got drunk a few times to try to forget. Is that why it happened?"

"No, Rachel, your baby was healthy. He was right on track. Nothing you did was wrong.

"I was supposed to protect it, him. I didn't do that. I failed."

"You didn't fail. At the first sign of trouble, you came to the hospital. You did the right thing."

Rachel crossed her arms and thought, 'Then I didn't do enough.'

Rachel followed Dr. Lane into a room. It was a small room with a bassinet and two chairs. The doctor told the nurse, "This is the mother. She wants to have some time alone." As the nurse left, she gave Rachel her condolences.

Rachel stood by the door with her arms wrapped around herself. Dr. Lane said, "You can go over and see him. You can even touch him or pick him up if you want to."

Rachel went over to the bassinet and curiously looked into it. Tears instantly formed in her eyes. "The clothes? Who? How?"

Dr. Lane said softly, "People donate things for a time like this."

Struggling to keep her tears in check, Rachel choked out, "Thank you."

Dr. Lane gave Rachel's hand a squeeze of support. "I'll be in the hall if you need anything. Take all the time you need."

Now alone in the room, Rachel looked into the bassinet again. He was so small. He was too small. Rachel hadn't had much experience with babies but she knew that he was extremely small. He looked more like a doll Rachel would've played with as a young girl.

Rachel stared a moment into the bassinet. He did look like a doll, a sleeping doll in the tiny blue and white outfit. She whispered, "You didn't deserve this. I'm sorry."

Timidly, Rachel reached her hand into the bassinet. "None of this was your fault. You shouldn't have to pay for the things I've done. I'm sorry."

Cautiously and tenderly, Rachel picked up the tiny figure. She was surprised by how little it weighed. Rachel's read books that were heavier than it was. Rachel sat down and studied the tiny features. He was a perfect baby. There were barely visible fingernails, small fringe of eyelashes and dark fuzz of hair on his head. He was perfect except he wasn't breathing.

"I'm sorry little one. I'm so, so very sorry. I never meant for this to happen to you. In the beginning, when I found out about you, I was scared and confused but towards the end, I wanted you. I hope you didn't think that I wanted you to go away. I want you here with me. If I couldn't keep you, then I wanted you to go to a loving family.

"I hope you could sense that I loved you. I hope you knew I was here for you. I am so, so sorry. I love you and I will _never_ forget you my little mister. You will _always_ live in my heart. This shouldn't have happened to you. I hope it didn't hurt. I hope you weren't scared. I'm so sorry. I can at least give you your only lullaby."

As Rachel rocked her tiny baby, she softly sang Baby Mine from Dumbo. " _From your head… Sweet as can be…"_

* * *

Dr. Lane returned Rachel to her room where her friends gave her hugs before they left. They each promised to call her later but they knew she needed her space. The nurse helped her back into bed and got her situated.

"How are you doing?" asked Chelsea.

Rachel closed her red-rimmed eyes, "Tired. Sore. I want to try to sleep."

"Do you want us to stay?"

"No, go home, I'll be alright."

"Okay, try to get some rest," said Marc as he hugged his niece. "I love you." Rachel nodded her head against his chest.

It was Chelsea's turn. She hugged Rachel and kissed her on the top of her head. "I love you too. Call us if you need anything."

Rachel struggled to suppress her tears. She took a moment before she spoke and when she did her voice cracked, "Thank you, for everything."

Marc and Chelsea's hearts ached for their niece but they misunderstood why she was upset. Rachel has rarely heard the words I love you and have that person mean it. With her father, love was always conditional. Her aunt and uncle's kindness was something she wasn't used to and sometimes it overwhelmed her.

* * *

Back at home, heavy-hearted, Marc and Chelsea called Eli and Lottie to the family room.

"How's Rachel doing?" asked Lottie.

Chelsea held her arm out. "Come here, sweetie."

Their children looked at one another, something was wrong. Lottie settled next to her mother. Eli sat in the armchair next to his father. "What's going on? What's wrong?" asked Eli. They knew Rachel went to the hospital.

Chelsea played with her daughter's hair. "You know how Rachel was going to have a baby?"

"Yeah," said Lottie, "She's gonna have it in a few months."

"Yes, um, well …" Chelsea smoothed down the hair that she'd played with. "There, there was a problem and …" With tears in her eyes, she looked to her husband. She shook her head and tried to blink back the tears; she couldn't do it.

Marc cleared his throat. "Um, there was a problem and Rachel went into labor."

Eli tried to read his parents. He knew something was wrong but what was it? He said, "Isn't it too early?"

Marc said, "It is too early. Sometimes, the doctors can help the baby survive but," he took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, the baby didn't survive."

Their children were shocked. "What? That can't be …" said Eli.

Lottie burst into tears. "No, it's not fair. That's not fair!"

Chelsea hugged her daughter as they both cried. "I know, sweetie, I know. It's not fair."

"But Rachel was _supposed_ to _have_ the baby," sobbed the young girl.

* * *

Rachel still ached the morning that she was leaving the hospital. She was glad Chelsea came to pick her up. Rachel hoped her aunt would remember Dr. Lane's instructions because her mind was still whirling from everything.

As they left, Rachel glanced down the hallway towards the room where she saw her small baby for the first and only time. With her lips set thin with determination, Rachel forced any emotions not to surface. She knew she couldn't fall apart now. She was afraid if she did that they'd keep her in the hospital longer. Rachel needed to get away from this place.

The ride home was quiet. Rachel noticed Chelsea glancing her way occasionally. Rachel wondered if her cousins knew what happened. "Um, do Eli and Lottie know, um?" Rachel didn't think she sounded like herself. She thought she sounded more detached than usual.

"Do they know about the baby? Yeah, we told them. Lottie took it hard but she'll be okay. We told them to give you space if you need it."

"Thanks." Rachel cringed to herself. She was so sorry. A girl like Lottie shouldn't have to know about all the shit she's been through. If she kept messing up, would they send her away. There'd be no way that they'd want to keep her.

Once they arrived home, Marc, Eli and Lottie each gave Rachel a hug. Rachel was awkward with each of them. She just wasn't used to giving or receiving hugs.

"How are you doing?" asked Marc.

"Okay, I guess," replied Rachel. She knew they'd be watching her and she hated that. She hated feeling as if she was under a microscope. It was like it was after she told her friends about the rape. She knew they meant well but it was still irritating.

"Uh, what did you want to do?" Chelsea asked Rachel, breaking her from her thoughts.

"I want to change before I do anything." Rachel looked down at the billowing maternity dress she was wearing. "Um, I don't …" her voice trailed off, realizing she didn't have any other clothes with her. She only had maternity clothes at the Madsen's house.

"You're about my size," said Chelsea, "I'll get you something. Later we can go shopping and get you some new things."

"I, uh, I have some things back at my old house that I'd like to have. I was kinda wondering if I could go get them." She hoped they were still there.

"Sure, I'll call your social worker to find out when we can go." As Rachel went up the stairs, her aunt called after her, "Oh, by the way, Dr. Patterson's office called. Your appointment's been moved up to this week. You're supposed to go see him Thursday."

Thanks was all Rachel said before she went up to her room. She waited to comment until she flopped on her bed. "Of course my appointment's been moved up. I'm sure he wants to see how I'm doing. They all probably want to make sure I don't freak out because I lost the baby. I have to remember to stay calm. I can't let on how much I'm affected by this."

Rachel fingered the white scars on her arm. "They're probably afraid I'll hurt myself. But they don't have to worry about that." She moves her hand down to touch her abdomen lightly. There was a new healing wound under her hand. "This is the last scar I'm going to cause myself."

* * *

Rachel was nervous to go to her session with Dr. Patterson. She knew the subject will be about losing the baby and she didn't want to talk about it. She just wanted to forget about all of it.

Rachel settled herself in an oversized chair. She pulled her legs up, curling them underneath her; something she hasn't been able to do in a long time.

"How are you doing?" asked Dr. Patterson.

"I'm fine."

"I'm sorry you lost the baby."

Rachel rolled her eyes and sighed, "Thanks."

"What? What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," said Rachel.

"Something's bothering you. It must be hard going through this."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "It happened. Can we just move on to something else? Could we talk about how I'm settling in with my aunt and uncle?"

"We could talk about that but I think we should discuss the loss of your baby. That has to have an effect on you."

Rachel crossed her arms, "I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm not going to press you but I think you need to talk about it. After all, you carried the baby for several months. Even though you were going to give it up for adoption, you had a bond with it."

"Really? You really think that? Because I only knew about it for a few of those months."

"Do you think that means you shouldn't be affected by this?" asked Dr. Patterson. He was concerned about her. He knew she had a tendency to bottle things up. "Rachel, like it or not, this is affecting you. Have you talked about it with your family?"

Rachel shook her head, "No, I don't _want_ to talk about it."

They sat in silence, staring at one another. Dr. Patterson knew Rachel had something to say. He wanted to help her but he needed her to let him help her. "Rachel …"

Rachel said bitterly, "He's gone, he's done, it's over. There's nothing that can be done. No amount of talking will change that. Nothing anybody said or does will change that. I can't get him back. He never had a chance." Angry tears fell from her eyes, "Now he's there, in the …in the ground. His story ended before it had a chance to begin.

"Oh my God, I am so sick of everyone's words of sympathy." Rachel ran a shaky hand through her hair. "God's will? This is God's will? Oh, of course, 'whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. And God wouldn't give me more than I could handle? How do _they_ know what God wants? I don't get it. Why would God put me through all of _that_ and give me a baby, just to take it away. I know, I know, 'stay strong you'll get through this'. 'This too shall pass.' I'm _not_ strong. I've been broken so many times and I've barely been able to hold it together. I-I don't know if I can anymore. I know, 'a willow bends in a storm'. But, I'm sure a willow will break if a storm is powerful enough. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that. I'm really sorry."

Dr. Patterson said, "You have nothing to be sorry about. You need to talk about things that bother you. It's not healthy to keep all of that bottled up."

"I know; I'm sorry." Rachel looked down at her hands. She said softly, "I can't stop thinking about death."

"That's understandable after what happened."

"Not just now, I've always thought about it. I'm not constantly thinking about death and dying but it's there. I guess it started after my mom attempted suicide. Or maybe it was after things started getting worse with my dad."

Dr. Patterson cautiously asked, "Do you feel like ending things?"

"No. I don't know. I don't think so. I just don't like having these thoughts in my head."

"Rachel," he said softly, "what are you thinking?"

"I wonder what death is like. I can't imagine being something then just ceasing to exist. Where do the thoughts, where does the spirit go? And does it hurt to die? I mean, I'm sure it does if you're shot or something. But does it hurt if you die of old age, or, or if someone dies before they had a chance? I can't help but wonder was my baby in pain? Was he scared?"

"I don't know, Rachel. I honestly don't know. There's a lot about death we don't know."

"I hope he wasn't scared or in pain. Maybe he didn't know what was happening."

Rachel tried to wipe away the tears but wasn't successful. "Why do we fight so hard to survive? Everyone, everything dies eventually, so why fight it? I mean, why do people walk for miles to get away from war or famine only to die as a refugee? Why do people spend so much money, time and energy fighting cancer only to have it come back or something else end their life?"

Dr. Patterson tried to reassure the teen. They continued their discussion for the rest of the session. Rachel didn't get any answers but she felt a little better about things. She knew she wouldn't try to take her life. Even though she was in pain and scared, the thought of death scared her more.

* * *

Gradually, each of the Madsens woke up to a strange sound. Each of them stepped out into the dark hall. The sound was coming from Rachel's room. The sound of raspy sobs came through her door.

Marc started for his niece's door but his wife stopped him. "Let me go. You guys go back to bed." Chelsea hugged each of them before she went to Rachel's door. She knocked on it before opening it. "Rachel?" Her heart ached for the teen. Rachel was curled up on her bed.

Rachel struggled to stop her crying. She choked back her sobs. Wiping her eyes, she said, "I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to wake you up."

Chelsea indicated that she'd like to sat next to her on her bed and Rachel nodded. As the older women settled next to the teen, she said, "Don't worry about it. I understand. I know what you're feeling."

Rachel looked over at her aunt. "How! How do you know what I feel!" It came out harsher than Rachel intended but she was overwrought because of her emotions. "How do you know that the …"

"The guilt?" interrupted Chelsea, "The guilt is overwhelming. Sometimes you feel as if it's going to take over and consume you. And sometimes, if it means the pain would go away, you wish it would just take you away."

"H-how?" That was all Rachel could say. She didn't know how her aunt knew exactly what she was feeling but had been afraid to express it.

"Fifteen years ago," Chelsea ran her hand through her auburn hair as she let out a shaky breath. "God, has it been fifteen years? Fifteen years ago, Marc and I were still practically newlyweds." Chelsea smiled at the memory. "We were just starting out. We had two-year old Eli tottering around.

"We weren't trying, but as I said, we were young and so in love and …I became pregnant. We were excited but scared. We'd talked about having more kids but we weren't ready yet. We wanted to wait a few more years but our plans were now changed. We knew it'd be hard having an infant and a toddler but we'd manage somehow."

Tears stung her eyes as she stared out into the room dimly lit by the moonlight. "We were so happy and excited. Everything was so right until one doctor's appointment. There was something wrong. There, there was no heartbeat. Something, I don't know what, but something had gone horribly wrong and I lost the baby."

Rachel gasped. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I …" She struggled to find words of condolence but couldn't. Nothing seems right. Everything seemed like empty words.

Wiping her eyes, Chelsea continued, "At first, I couldn't, I wouldn't believe it. There had to be a mistake. I was carrying Marc's child, OUR child. I had to. It was impossible for me to think our child had stopped growing inside me. I wasn't that far along, only in my first trimester, but I was pregnant.

"Then it hit me, we were using the past tense was, not _am_ and _is_. I had lost our baby, Marc's baby.

"I didn't know how I was supposed to feel but I felt everything and nothing at the same time. Of course, I was sad but a very small part of me was relieved. I know that sounds horrible but the timing was wrong, we weren't ready. I didn't know how we'd make it. We were struggling, as it was, just the three of us on Marc's small paycheck. But it wasn't supposed to happen like that.

"That only added to my grief and guilt. What kind of person was I to feel any sort of relief knowing I was causing my husband to go through hell? Like I said, the guilt was all consuming and overwhelming.

"My parents took Eli for a while. I know they meant well but it just caused additional guilt for me. I wasn't able to take care of my own son. I wondered if he felt like I'd abandoned him. He didn't know what was going on. How could he when I didn't know myself?

"I began doubting myself as a mother. Maybe I wasn't a good mother. Maybe that was why I lost the baby. I couldn't handle it. I was spiraling into the darkness. I pushed Marc away. I was making things worse. He'd lost the baby just like me. He was grieving but I couldn't help him. I couldn't help myself.

"I felt like I was a failure. I failed as a wife, a mother, a woman. As a woman, I was supposed to protect and carry this small innocent life. I was supposed to bring a new life into the world but I couldn't do that. I failed."

Rachel choked back a sob. That was exactly how she felt. "I'm sorry. I'm bringing all this back to you and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been crying. I'm sorry."

"Oh, no, don't be sorry for what you feel." Chelsea watched as Rachel struggled to stop her tears. Chelsea reali6zes Rachel hadn't said much about losing the baby since she came home from the hospital. Every time the subject came up, Rachel changed it or hurried off to do something. Maybe she talked about it at her sessions with Dr. Patterson. Chelsea asked Rachel about it.

Rachel shook her head, "No, we discussed things a little at my first session after … but no, I don't really talk about it."

"Rachel, sweetie, talking about what happened will help you heal. It took me awhile to realize that but when I finally turned to Marc, it helped. We helped each other heal. A few years later, we had Lottie. I was terrified but everything turned out alright."

With her fist clenched tight, Rachel shook her head. "No, no I can't. Nothing I say will change anything. My crying won't bring him back. He's still gone. The baby, _my_ baby is still gone."

"No, that won't change but it might help you. You need to mourn your loss."

"No, no! I don't, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve the right to mourn and greave."

"Why not? You lost …"

"Yes, I lost him. It's all MY FAULT." Rachel couldn't hold it in anymore. She broke down, sobbing.

Chelsea held her niece as she cried. She stroked Rachel's dark hair, trying to comfort her. "Shh, no, sweetie, that's not true. You didn't cause this."

Rachel gulped for air between sobs. When she caught her breath, she said, "Yes I did. I didn't even know I was pregnant for so long. When the first thought of pregnancy entered my mind, I was terrified. I couldn't be pregnant. I couldn't be carrying _his_ child. I prayed that I wasn't pregnant and I thought I wasn't.

"Then months later, I found out I was carrying that monster's child. I didn't want it. I was horrified; I didn't want _anything_ to do with _him_. I didn't want the baby. It was just a _think_ that was going to keep ruining my life. I wished, I _prayed_ for it to go away!

"Recently, I was beginning to accept it. I realized it, the baby, was innocent in all of this. I started to care for it. I was starting to love it. I decided I wanted the baby, I would keep it. But I got my wish from before. It's gone. Don't you see? I did this. I-I don't deserve to grieve."

"Oh, no, that's not true. You need to grieve. You don't deserve this pain."

"Yes I do! You wanted your baby. You _wanted_ it and _loved_ it from the beginning. But I-I h-hated m-my baby for so long. My hate and anger over everything was like a poison. I'm toxic! I ruin _everything_! I ruin every-thing."

"I am so sorry. You shouldn't have to go through this."

Rachel cried as she clutched the crocheted bear Lottie made for her. It took along time before Rachel started to calm down. Nestled into her aunt's arms, Rachel softly said, "It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to meet a guy, fall in love, get married, and have kids. Have a family. At least I should've been able to fall in love. _This_ wasn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't have been carrying that child, but I was. I was and I decided to love it. I decided that I was gonna love him or her and the baby would love me. I would have a family. I would _finally_ have a family. It would be small. Just the baby and me, but it would be mine.

"Now my baby's gone. A boy, I was gonna have a little boy. This was _my_ baby. _He_ was _never_ going to have anything to do with my baby. I was gonna teach this baby to love, end the cycle of abuse. My baby's gone, done, no more. I don't get a chance to show him my love." Rachel broke down sobbing again.

When Rachel finally calmed down some, Chelsea said, "I know it doesn't feel like it now but some day you will feel better. I'm not saying you'll forget about your baby, that'll never happen but some day it won't hurt as much. Some day, you'll find someone special. Someone who'll care for you and you'll have a chance at a family like you said you wanted."

Rachel looked up at her aunt. Tears threatened to fall again. " _Who_ would want _me_? I'm a mess. My life is a mess."

Chelsea brushed the hair away from the teen's tear stained face. "Sweetie, I know you don't see it, but you're a beautiful girl. You have a beautiful heart. You close yourself off so much because you've been hurt. You've been wounded and it'll take time for you to heal. I hate that your father and that horrible man …they don't deserve to be called men. A real man would never hurt someone like they've hurt you. You've been mistreated so much but you don't have to worry about that now."

After Rachel had been calm for a while, Chelsea started to get up but Rachel stopped her. "Wait. Could you please stay, just until I fall asleep? I don't want to be alone right now."

"Of course I can stay." Chelsea sat back down on Rachel's bed. Rachel curled up on her side, her back to her aunt. Chelsea rubbed her niece's back trying to comfort her.

After a moment, Rachel said softly, "I'm sorry you went through something like this."

Chelsea fought back her own tears. "Thank you and I'm sorry you're going through this now. Please talk to me whenever you need to talk. Don't worry about upsetting me. I'm okay with things now. I still miss my baby and I wonder how things would be but I'm okay with how things are now. I have two wonderful kids and a fantastic niece. I'm happy."

Rachel got up and hugged her aunt. "Thank you. Thank you for taking me in and helping me. I don't mean to be difficult."

Chelsea held Rachel tight. "Like I said, you've been wounded but you're on a healing path. You're going to be okay." They stayed embraced like that for a few moments. "It's getting late, you should get some sleep."

Rachel pulled away from the hug and nodded. Exhausted, she yawned, proving Chelsea's point. "Thank you and I'm sorry. You didn't have to tell me about your baby."

"I know but if it helps you then … I just wanted to help you. To let you know you're not alone even though you feel as if you are. I understand what you're going through." Chelsea hesitated a moment, "Um, could you not say anything to the kids about me losing a baby? I know Lottie doesn't know and I don't think Eli remembers. He was only two. I doubt he remembers anything but I'd like to tell them if I decide to."

"Of course. This is your story to tell. Thank you again. You can go back to bed. I'm feeling better now."

"Are you sure? I can stay a little longer if you want me to."

"No, it's okay. I'm alright, right now."

"Okay," said Chelsea as she got up. At the door, she stopped. "If you need anything, call me or come get me. That goes for anything."

Rachel nodded, "Good night."

"Good night."

Back in her room, Marc was waiting for Chelsea. "How is she?"

"She's doing better. She's been afraid to talk about it." Chelsea broke down crying. Marc instantly embraced his wife. "I told her about the baby we lost."

"Oh, Chels, you know you didn't have to do that."

"I know," said Chelsea, chocking back her sobs. "I just wanted Rachel to know she wasn't alone. I wanted her to know she will get through this."

In a tight embrace, the couple comforted each other as past memories came back to them.

* * *

The next morning, Rachel slept in. She slept until everyone left the house. After waking up, Rachel stayed in her bed thinking about what Chelsea said. Could someone, someday actual love her? Could that really happen?

Cody barking broke into Rachel's thoughts. He wouldn't stop. Groaning, Rachel got out of bed. She mumbled to herself, "Would you shut up you stupid dog." Going into the kitchen, Rachel found the dog barking at the backdoor.

Rachel cautiously looked out the windows. There was nothing there. Now that Rachel was here, Cody insisted on being let out.

Opening the door, he ran straight to the corner of the backyard that was near the back of the garage. Rachel wondered if it was right to let him out. Cody barked insistently at the area behind the garage.

Rachel started to go over to the barking dog but stopped when she saw something. There were two more rose bushes. She went over to them. They'd been recently planted. She remembered how charming she thought it was when they said they had a rose bush for each person in the family.

There were two red roses for Marc and Chelsea, an orange rose for Eli and a pink one for Lottie. Rachel never understood why there was a miniature white rose bush, but now she did. Now, there was peach rose bush and another miniature one with pure white roses among the others.

She knew they talked about getting the plants when she had the baby later. Even though, Rachel was giving the baby up for adoption, Chelsea wanted a rose bush to represent the baby. Rachel liked the idea but was afraid after she lost the baby, the idea was dropped.

Looking at the new bushes, Rachel wondered when they did this. She smiled, glad they did do that. For the first time, she felt as though she truly belonged.

Tears stung Rachel's eyes when she noticed a small metal angel with the new small white roses. That one was for her baby. Ignoring, Cody's barking, she dropped to her knees and cried. She had so much hope for her baby but now that was gone.

Whatever Cody was barking at left. He now heard Rachel crying. The dog went over to his new friend. He whimpered as he nudged her elbow with his nose. He seemed concerned about her.

It has just been a few months since she's known about the Madsens but Rachel's life was so different than it had been. Rachel cried as she hugged the young dog. Cody nuzzled her and licked her chin.

Rachel smiled through her tears at the dog trying to comfort her. Everyone in her life now, wanted what wass best for her. "Maybe Chelsea's right. Maybe I'll be alright, someday."

* * *

 **Reviews welcome.**


	46. Chapter 46: Destroyed

**Thank for reading and reviewing.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Within Temptation or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 46: Destroyed**

* * *

 **" _I close my eyes… / …love and hate / …person… same blood …/ …failed you / …failed me too_!" – Destroyed, Within Temptation**

* * *

Friday morning, Rachel went down the stairs. After everything that she'd been through, Marc and Chelsea have been letting her sleep in. She quietly flipped through the sympathy cards for her, seeing if there were any new ones. A sad smile settled on her lips when she saw the one from her mother. It wasn't new, it'd come the other day. That was the only contact she was allowed to have with her mother. After Angela had shown up at the hospital after Gar's accident, the courts said she couldn't go near Rachel for at least another three months. Rachel hated that but she didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize her relationship with her mother.

In the kitchen, everyone was already up and sitting around the table. They've either already had their breakfast or were still eating. Everyone looked at her as she came into the room. What? Did she grow another head overnight? Or was this how it was going to be from now on every time she had a nightmare? It'd only been two weeks since she'd lost the baby. Did they expect everything go to back to normal so quickly? Or were they looking to see if she'd break?

Going to the cupboard, Rachel rolled her eyes as she got a bowl and some cereal.

Lottie said, "I like your shirt."

Rachel said, "Thanks." Maybe that was why they looked at her strangely. Her shirt was technically a Halloween shirt but she liked it. Maybe it was a little odd wearing a Halloween shirt in the beginning of August but Rachel didn't care.

"Rachel, did you want to go to school or continue homeschooling?" asked Chelsea.

"Um, I don't know. I just assumed I'd have to keep doing homeschooling."

"Well, registration starts soon. We can check it out and see if you can go back to JCHS."

"Okay, thanks."

As Rachel got her bowl of cereal, everyone talked about their schedules. Marc called over to her, "Oh, Rachel, your social worker called and said you could go over to your old house tomorrow afternoon. She said she'd make sure your father won't be there."

"Oh, okay, thanks." That surprised Rachel. While she wanted her things, a part of her hoped she'd never have to go back to that house. As she continued to get her breakfast and sit down, she wondered if she had to go there alone. Maybe it'd be better if they didn't come. She didn't want them to see …

Rachel's bowl hit the edge of the table, spilling on her lap. "Shit! I mean, shoot." She glanced at her aunt and uncle, "Uh, sorry." Cornflakes and milk covered her lap. She quickly tried to pick up the mess. "Oh yuck! Milk's going in my shoe."

"Want me to get you some more cereal?" offered Chelsea.

Rachel scooped the cereal back into her bowl, "No, I'll be fine."

"I can get you something," Chelsea brought over a towel, "it's not a problem."

"It's okay. I'm fine. I wasn't that hungry. I'll just have a big lunch."

"Are you sure?"

Rachel nodded and tossed the remains of her breakfast in the trash. She went upstairs to change. As she did, she thought about what just happened, she'd wasted a bowl of cereal and milk. There was also a bowl and spoon to wash, not to mention the extra laundry. She was too careless. Rachel thought she needed to punish herself for being too careless and wasteful by being hungry. Besides, it wasn't like she'd never been hungry before.

* * *

"Can I go too?" asked Lottie.

"No, you have your swimming class," said Chelsea as she gathered boxes from a closet.

"Aww, mom," whined Lottie, "I wanna go too."

"Sorry, you have your class. You insisted on taking the class. Plus, weren't you going over to Ashley's after class?"

"Yeah, but …"

"Don't worry, Lottie," said Rachel grabbing the boxes from her aunt to put in the car, "you're not going to miss anything. We're not going to be there long."

"Fine," said the disappointed young girl as she went up to her room.

Rachel sighed, she wondered if _she_ should go back to her old house. Would she be haunted by memories?

The next afternoon, Marc, Chelsea and Rachel went over to Rachel's old house. The car ride was quiet. Rachel didn't know what to expect when they got there. Her social worker was meeting them there and as she promised, Trigon wasn't there.

Entering the house, everything looked normal. Well, it looked as it did before only there was a thin layer of dust over everything. It looked as though no one lived there. Rachel gave half a thought to where her father and step-mother were living. As long as they didn't bother her, she didn't care. "Um, my room's upstairs," said Rachel as she went to the stairs.

Everything Rachel wanted was packed in the car. It wasn't much, her clothes, books and art supplies. She made sure she had the photographs of her night of the dance and of her and her mother. She also grabbed Angela's old diary. She took a couple of Angela's sweaters. Rachel picked the ones that were her favorite. Of course, she grabbed her stuffed bunny. It was the first thing she stuffed into her backpack, hoping no one would see.

"Did you want to check around the rest of the house to make sure you didn't forget anything?" suggested Chelsea.

Rachel wanted nothing more than to get out of this house but maybe she should do what her aunt suggested. This was the _last_ time she was ever coming into this house. As Rachel wandered around the first floor, she thought about how this house was never a home to her. Most of the time, she didn't feel safe there. Her room was the only place where she felt even slightly safe. Looking around, memories of the past abuses haunted her. In the kitchen, she remembered her father saying he hated her and that her mother did as well. She remembered the pain she felt when he told her that Angela would've had an abortion if she could. Rachel knew that was a lie but it didn't make it any less painful.

There in the kitchen was where the worst beating she'd received started. Trigon could've killed her that night if he wanted to. A part of Rachel wondered if he should have. She wouldn't be going through all this if he did. Rachel shook her head. She couldn't think like that. She had a family now and a chance for happiness. She couldn't let her father bring her down.

"Rachel, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I-I'm fine." Rachel continued to wander through the house with her aunt and uncle following her. She'd never hated a place so much. It reminded her of her father. It wasn't just being there that made her think of him. The house was like her father; it looked normal, unsuspecting to everybody except her. Rachel knew the darkness and hatred that dwelled inside.

Turning the corner, Rachel saw the dining room and stopped. Standing there, frozen in place, she stared at the room. She felt her heart racing and her skin prickle. The beatings she could handle, at least she told herself that, but what happened there, in that room, destroyed her.

As Marc and Chelsea followed Rachel through the house and they were amazed at the transformation she went through. She became sullen and anxious. They saw the shadows clouding her eyes. They were worried about her. Even after losing the baby, they hadn't seen her like that.

At the dining room doorway, they watched Rachel go through another transformation. Rachel's eyes grew large. Her pupils dilated. Her breathing was quickened but shallow. The color drained from her face. Trembling, she shook her head. Tears formed, threatening to fall.

"Rachel? Rachel, are you okay?" Chelsea turned to Marc, "We should leave."

"No. No, please stop," Rachel whispered. She saw things only she could see. "Please stop. Don't hurt me."

"Rachel? Rachel!" Marc and Chelsea couldn't snap her out of it.

"Please stop! Help me! Why won't you help me! I need you now more than ever. Please, please _help me_! Don't let him _do this_! Don't let him hurt me more than he already has! _No_! Don't leave me! Come back! _Please help me_!"

Realizing what his niece was reliving in her mind, Marc scooped up her petite form in his arms and ran out of the house. Chelsea ran ahead of them and opened the car door. Marc set a panicked Rachel sideways on the car seat so her legs were out the door. That way she could get fresh air and try to calm down.

As Rachel cried, she gasped, trying to catch her breath. It wasn't helping. Gulping for air, she clutched her chest; it hurt. Her heart was beating wildly and it felt as if it would break through her chest. She heard her heartbeat racing in her ears. She was sure the whole world can hear her heart. Breaking into a cold sweat, she couldn't get control.

"Rachel, Rachel, sweetie, you have to calm down," Chelsea knelt before the distressed teen. "No one's gonna hurt you. You're safe, sweetie, you're safe."

Slowly, Rachel began to focus on her aunt and uncle. The social worker was also there. Realizing she just had a panic attack and what it was about, she turned bright red with embarrassment. She rapidly said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry."

"Shh, shh, it's okay." Chelsea brushed back her niece's dark hair. "You're okay. You're safe. No one's gonna hurt you."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out like that."

"Don't worry about it. Do you want to talk about it?"

Rachel shook her head, "I want to leave. I don't want to stay here anymore."

"Are you calmed down enough to ride in the car?" Chelsea rubbed Rachel's arm tenderly. "Do you feel like you're gonna be sick?"

"No, I'm okay now. I just want to get out of here." Rachel had calmed down considerably, though she still trembled some.

"Okay, we're going. You never have to come back here again. First, we have to lock up."

The social worker said, "Go, I'll take care of locking up. Get her home where she's safe. I didn't realize how toxic this place is to her. If I did, I never would've allowed Rachel to come back."

"Don't worry about it;" said Marc, "I'm not sure that Rachel even knew that."

Driving away, Rachel refused to look back. She was done with that place. She'd never go back. As far as she was concerned, 2079 Lyndhurst Drive didn't exist.

* * *

Rachel sat on her bed. The boxes of stuff from her old house remained unpacked. Rachel thought it was a mistake to go back there. Now her aunt and uncle have seen how messed up she was. She couldn't shake the ominous feeling she'd had ever since she left her old house. Rachel wondered if that meant they were going to send her away. Maybe she was as messed up as her mother, maybe more. Maybe they should send her away.

Rachel flopped back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She remembered recently overhearing her aunt and uncle discussing her. They didn't know how to help her if she wouldn't open up to them. Rachel could hear the frustration in their voices and that worried her. Yes, she'd spoke freely that night with Chelsea but that was the only time she really talked about anything. Even with her friends, Rachel didn't talk about things. She didn't see the point in bring those around her down with her problems. She talked with Dr. Patterson, wasn't that enough?

"I had something good here and now I've messed it up. Even of I do stay here, they'll always look at me differently. Now they have doubt or mistrust in the back of their minds. Especially after they saw my artwork." Rachel growled as she slammed her fists into the bed. "Why do I have to be SO stupid? Why do I keep …"

There was a knock on the door. "Rachel, could you come downstairs, please?" It was Chelsea. Rachel sighed as she slowly got up. Well, this was it. After what they saw today, how could they still want her?

Rachel opened her door to see her aunt. Chelsea gave her an encouraging smile though her eyes looked worried. Rachel took another nervous breath as she climbed down the stairs. She told herself to stay calm, don't react, don't cry. Whatever hther appened, don't lose it. Rachel didn't blame them. They were only doing what was best for _their_ family, their kids.

Rachel stopped when she entered the family room. Marc was already there and he looked serious. Trying to control her nerves, Rachel sat down next to Chelsea on the sofa. Rachel's fists were clenched tight at her sides.

"Rachel," said Marc, "I think we should talk about what happened this afternoon."

Rachel looked at her aunt and uncle. If they were just going to send her away, why did she have to talk about it? "There's nothing to talk about."

"Rachel, sweetie, you had a panic attack," said Chelsea as she rubbed Rachel's arm. "We want to make sure you're okay."

"We also want to know what triggered it so we can help prevent it from happening again."

Rachel gently pulled away from her aunt. "Don't worry; I won't let it happen again. Sorry. I didn't mean to do that and I won't do it again."

Marc and Chelsea noticed what she didn't say. Rachel didn't say she was okay. They wondered if she was more upset about it than she was letting on.

"Please talk to us," said Marc, "We want to help you. We want to understand you." Rachel remained silent.

"Don't shut us out," said Chelsea, "Let us in. Let us help you."

Rachel didn't want to talk about it. She felt stupid for reacting like that. Nothing was going to happen to her there. No one who could hurt her was there. It was just a building.

"What happened in that room?" asked her uncle, "What happened in the dining room?" Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the memories. "Is that the room where it happened?" He asked softly, "Were you raped in that room?"

Tears seeped out onto Rachel's lashes. Her fists were tight on her lap. Eventually, she nodded slightly.

"Oh Rachel," said Chelsea, "I am so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through."

"It was worse than any nightmare I'd ever had. My father sent _him_ to scare me because of the accusations of abuse. But just being in the same room as him, scared me. I never liked the way he looked at me. I was afraid of him and I thought dad understood that. He'd even warned me to stay away from Slade. But that's just it, he did know. Dad _knew_ I was afraid of Slade. That's why he sent him to scare me. My _father_ liked to use my fears against me. He cut me because he _knew_ I hated the sight of blood so why wouldn't he use the person I feared most to scare me.

"I didn't turn my father in. I didn't _want_ to turn him in. Things were sometimes bad but I knew there'd be hell to pay if I did. All he had to do was threaten that I'd have to speak to Slade. _That_ would've been enough to scare me." Rachel shuttered, remembering the time Slade tried to kiss her. "I never wanted to be alone with him. I certainly did want to be alone with him in the middle of the night."

Rachel didn't know why she was telling them. She never wanted them to know but once she started talking she couldn't stop. "I tried to get away from him but he was faster than me. He held me down on that table. I fought to get away but he was so strong. I hated him being so close to me. He …"

The phone rang, interrupting Rachel. Chelsea answered it; it was Lottie. She had to come home because her friend was sick. Chelsea volunteered to go pick her up in a few minutes.

"I'm sorry," said Rachel. "I shouldn't have said anything. I _do_ talk to Dr. Patterson and I think that helps a little. I overreacted to things this afternoon. I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry. I won't let it happen again."

"Rachel, you had a panic attack, that's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know but do you know how embarrassing it is to act out like that? I'm sorry. I won't let it happen again." Rachel got up and headed for the stairs.

"Rachel, wait. Before you go upstairs, did you know you'd have that kind of a reaction?"

Rachel thought a moment. How much should she tell them? "No, I've never freaked out like that except for right after I came home from the hospital after I was attacked. The first time I entered that room, I …" Rachel took a deep breath. She was afraid it'd be another thing against her but she thought her aunt and uncle deserved to know about her temper. In a soft voice, Rachel said, "The first time I entered that room, I tore down the Christmas tree and smashed all the ornaments." Seeing their stunned expressions, Rachel apologized again, "I'm sorry, I was scared and angry. I thought my father would protect me but I was wrong."

* * *

"Rachel, can I ask you something?" asked Lottie. It was a few days after Rachel had the panic attack. The two girls were sitting at the kitchen table. They were working on invitations for the younger girl's birthday party.

"Sure what is it?"

"Why do you have scars on your arm?"

"Lottie, don't …," warned Chelsea.

"No, it's okay." Rachel self-consciously rubbed her hand over her arm. Only recently, Rachel decided to wear short sleeves. She was afraid that subject would come up eventually. "Um, sometimes my dad would, uh, hurt me. I was scared and confused and instead of talking to someone about it like I should have; I kept it all to myself. Sometimes I would get so scared and upset that I'd hurt myself. It was a stupid thing to do and I wish I never did it."

"Why did your dad hurt you?"

That question surprised Rachel. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before she answered. "Um, I don't know, Lottie. I don't know why he hurt me. I often wondered that myself. I guess he was very angry about losing mom and he got mean." Rachel didn't want to say too much because she didn't know how much Lottie knew about the abuse she'd suffered.

"He was a bully. A bigger person like him shouldn't push around a smaller person like you. He shouldn't have picked on you."

"You're right, he shouldn't have done that but you don't have to worry about that. Your dad is nice and so is your mom. You're lucky. Thank you for sharing them with me."

"I don't mind. I like having a cool cousin like you living here."

They continued to make the invitations in silence. Rachel wondered if she was harming or taking away some of Lottie's innocence by being there. A girl like Lottie shouldn't have to know about abusive fathers and rape. She wouldn't have to know about those things if Rachel hadn't come to live here. Rachel sighed. She couldn't keep the self-doubt from entering her mind.

* * *

Marc and Chelsea were glad to enjoy an evening alone. All the kids had plans outside of the house. They didn't realize it'd be so hard to raise three kids. It was rewarding but hard. They both recognized that if things hadn't gone wrong all those years ago, they might've had three kids of their own. Thankful for time alone, they snuggled down on the sofa and watched a movie.

Rachel was out with her friends at an end of summer festival. It felt good to be with her friends, to be normal; something she hadn't truly felt since that horrible night. She enjoyed the rides, food and games.

"Hey Rae, look what I won for you." Rachel looked over to Gar.

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Really? A stuffed chicken? You won _that_ for me? I am sooo lucky."

"Hey, what's wrong with it?" Gar looked at the tie-dyed chicken, "I think it's cute."

"Then you keep it." Rachel tried to push the stuffed animal back to Gar.

"You're right. Maybe I should sign it before I give it to you. You know, that way you'll have something with my signature on it when I become famous."

Vic nearly choked on his soda, "Man, what are _you_ gonna be famous about?"

"Hmmm, I dunno, but I'm sure I'll think of something."

Rachel and the others rolled their eyes. Gar was always Gar. They continued to walk, trying to decide what to do next. Fireworks went off, startling all of them. Rachel jumped and grabbed the hand of the person next to her.

Realizing what she was doing, she dropped Gar's hand. Turning bright red, she stammered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean, I-I …startled, the fireworks …Um, sorry, I was startled but the loud noise, you know, the fireworks. I don't know why I'm so jumpy, sorry."

Gar's face was also red. "It's okay, don't worry. It's okay." He handed her back the colorful chicken. "Here, maybe it'd help if you held this." Rachel looked at it dubiously but took it. "Hey, um, did anyone want something else to eat or drink, cuz I'm gonna get something?"

The guys went get some food while the girls looked around. "When did you start having the feelings for Gar?" asked an excited Kori.

Wide-eyed, Rachel looked at her friend. She held up her hands. "No, no I don't have feelings for Gar. We're just friends. We're all just friends, well, except you and Richard."

"But you held his hand just now. Does that not mean something?"

Rachel turned red again. "No, it doesn't. I was startled by the fireworks and I just reacted. I would've grabbed anyone's hand that was standing next to me."

"So you would have grabbed the hand of a stranger?"

"Yeah, probably, I don't know. Kori, it didn't mean anything, really."

"But Gar has given you his chicken." Both girls laughed at how ridiculous that sounded.

"Seriously, Kor, I don't have feelings for Gar, or anyone else. I'm just not ready for anything like that."

While the guys were in line for food, they discussed the same subject.

"Dudes, did you see that? Rachel held my hand."

"She said that the loud noise startled her," pointed out Richard.

"Yeah but dude, she _held_ my hand."

"Since when did you start liking Rachel like that?"

"I dunno but lately, I've had this overwhelming urge to …"

"Watch it," warned Vic, "I do _not_ have a problem pummeling you if you hurt her."

Gar shook his head. "No, it's not like that. I just want to protect her, keep her safe. Lately, these feelings have been stronger. I dunno I just want Rae to be happy." Gar's face reddened some. "I do admit, I wonder what it'd be like to kiss her."

Vic gave his friend a warning glare, "Whatever you do, don't hurt her."

"I'm with Vic on this," said Richard, "If you're going to try to date Rachel, go slow. She's been through too much this year for a whirlwind romance."

"I know, I know. I'm not gonna hurt her. I'm just thrilled that she held my hand. I know it was cuz she was scared for a moment but it was exciting while it lasted."

"Don't get your hopes up cuz your would-be girlfriend is coming over here and she doesn't look happy. Actually, she looks down right pissed. What you do?"

"Nothing."

"Gar!" snarls Rachel, "you've been spying on me?"

"What!" said the three guys in unison. Gar received glares from the two taller boys.

"Kori said you were spying on me."

"No, I did not say he was spying. I simply said how I thought it was sweet that your aunt and uncle got those roses for you and your poor little baby."

Rachel said, "And how did you know that?"

Kori looked uncomfortable, "Well, Gar said that he saw you …"

"See? He's been spying on me."

"No I didn't. Rae, listen…

"How many times do I have to tell you, it's Ra _chel?_ Every time you call me Rae, I'm calling you Garfield. See how you like it?"

"Ra-chel, let me explain. I wasn't spying on you. I was worried about you. I was coming over to check on you but Cody wouldn't stop barking. You came out and saw the roses and started crying. I left because you needed your privacy. I wasn't spying on you. I wouldn't do that."

"Why did you tell Kori? Why didn't you come talk to me?"

"I didn't know what to say to you so I practiced with Kori."

"I am most sorry. I did not know that Gar had not come to you yet. I would not have said anything if I had known."

"See, Rae, it's just a simple misunderstanding."

"Gar _field_ , you should've said something to me. I don't like the idea of _anyone_ , even my friends watching me."

"I'm sorry, Rachel, I won't do it again. You pick what we do next."

Rachel sighed, "Sorry, but I want to go home."

"But …"

"I'm just suddenly tired of all the lights and noise."

"Okay, we can go."

"No, you all stay. I'll walk home. Don't worry, it's not far and it's well lit."

"But …"

"Please, I know you guys mean well and I appreciate it but I just need some space. Please, give me some space."

"I am sorry, Rachel, I did not intent to upset you."

"Yeah, me too, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I'm overly sensitive about some things right now. Walking home will help me calm down and cool off. Stay, have fun, maybe tomorrow we can do something."

* * *

Rachel came home and was surprised to find Cody barking to be let in the house. Usually it wa the other way around. As she unlocked the door she said to the young dog, "Would you make up your mind, you crazy dog."

Rachel didn't want him to just race into the house so she held onto his collar. The dog pulled her through the house to the family room. She heard Marc call out for her not to come in the room but she had no choice; Cody was too strong.

Rachel stopped in her tracks when she entered the room. The dog she held onto barks uncontrollably. "You. What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for you, my darling daughter."

"What? How? H-how did you find me?"

"You belong to me; of course I'm going to do what I have to do to get you back. It's kind of funny that you ended up here with my in-laws. I'd forgotten all about them. You have a couple of nice kids. Nicer than mine is who carelessly throws around accusations. They're very helpful, especially the little girl, she's eager to help."

"You leave them alone!" growled Chelsea. Marc held back his wife. He didn't know what Trigon might do and he didn't want Chelsea or Rachel getting hurt.

Cody continued to growl and snarl at the intruder. Rachel struggled to keep the dog from attacking her father.

"Would someone shut that dog up or I will," said Trigon as he pulled out a gun. The three that belong there gasped and tensed up.

Rachel didn't know what to do. How did she keep the family's pet from being hurt or worse killed? She looked up to her father, pleading for him not to do anything drastic.

"Please don't hurt him," said Chelsea. She struggled to keep her voice even. She suggested, "We could lock him up in another room or put him back outside. Please don't hurt him."

Trigon thought it over. "Fine, you, brother-in-law, put that yapping dog of yours in a bathroom. While you're doing that, I might have a nice chat with your wife and my daughter." Trigon knew Marc wouldn't try anything while he had the two females hostage.

Marc gave Chelsea's hand a reassuring squeeze as he went around her. Trigon stopped him. "Wait. Give me your cell phone. I don't want you doing something stupid like calling the police. We don't need to bring them into this. Not when I'm just here to pick up my daughter."

Marc gave Trigon his phone then went over to Rachel. He saw how upset she was even though she tried not to show it. As Marc took the yellow lab from Rachel, she mouthed, "I'm sorry."

Marc nodded, indicating that he knew and that he didn't blame her. He had to struggle to get the dog out of the room. He dog's strength surprised Marc. Cody fought his owner the whole way to the bathroom. After some struggle, Marc finally got the dog locked in the bathroom.

Marc hurried back to the family room but stopped just before he entered. He didn't want to startle Trigon. He hated the man with the gun trained on his wife. Marc's heart ached for Rachel, who was struggling to stay calm. This man, her father, had messed her up for so many years. Marc realized that Trigon didn't see Rachel as his daughter but as a possession. She was something that he owned.

When Marc did enter the room, Trigon waved the gun, indicating for Marc to get back to his wife. They could still hear Cody barking and scratching at the door but he wasn't so loud.

"Trigon, why are you here?"

"Like I said, I'm here for my daughter. She should know by now that she can't spread lies as she has and there not be any consequences. She's going to have to pay for the damage that she's done."

Rachel's shoulders dropped as she realized what her father meant. He was going to kill her. He'd told her several times that he'd destroy her if their secret ever got out. Killing his daughter wouldn't make things any better, only worse, but Trigon wasn't thinking rationally.

Rachel didn't want to die. For the most part, she was happy here with the Madsens. She hated that her aunt and uncle were now in danger. Rachel felt guilty because her selfishness, her need for some happiness has jeopardized her family. She realized that these people weren't just her family by blood but they were the meaning of family. They'd taken her in and given her a real home and love. Rachel hadn't felt those two things since her mother left.

Anger stirred in Rachel. She wasn't the one who was being selfish, her father was. He threatened every chance of happiness she's ever had. She didn't want to let her father take this away from her, not without a fight.

"Please, just go away. I don't want to go with you. Please leave us alone. Go away before the police come."

Seeing his daughter's fist clenched tight at her sides, Trigon sneered, "You're no threat to me, little girl. You've only lasted this long because I let you. You're just like your bitch of a mother. You cause problems for me."

"I never wanted to cause you trouble. If you didn't want me after mom was gone, why didn't you give me away?"

"Because you're mine." Trigon grabbed Rachel's arm.

"I'm not going anywhere with _you_."

"And how do you think you, a mere child, is going to stop me from taking you? You are mine and I'm not going to let anyone else have you."

"I'm your _daughter_ , a person, a human being! I'm not a _thing_ you can possess or own. You may have created me but you're no father. Fathers are kind. They protect their children, comfort their children, nurture their children. Fathers want what's best for their children. Fathers love their children. You _never_ did any of that for me!"

Trigon stepped back from Rachel's boldness. He'd only seen her like that once before, when she first told him about the rape. Rachel's face was red with rage as angry tears fell from her eyes. "You _never_ treated me like a daughter. I was just another thing you could control. That's all you wanted, control. You told me once that mom wanted an abortion but that's a lie. _You_ wanted her to abort me. You never wanted me. You …" Rachel stopped as a thought entered her mind. She remembered what her mother said in the courtroom.

"You did the same thing to mom. You wanted to control her. She fought back because of me. She wanted to keep me safe from you."

Rachel's eyes widen with fear. The dream with her parents fighting was real. "It wasn't just a dream. It was real. Mom had a gun. She wanted to protect me from you."

Trigon laughed sinisterly, "Your crazy mother got some foolish idea that I'd hurt you. I never wanted to lay a hand on you. You were just a sniveling brat."

"But mom wanted to protect me and herself from you so she got a gun. That's the only way she could get away from you, wasn't it?"

"That stupid bitch thought she could just leave me when she wanted to leave. I couldn't let that happen. If she left, it was because I said so. She pulled a gun on me but I was stronger than she was. After that, Angela knew who was in control."

Rachel trembled at the thought of her mother being beaten as she'd been. She stared at her father in disbelief. "She _loved_ you and you hurt …her …like …that, like you ... hurt …me."

Memories that Rachel had locked away came to the surface. She remembered how things were between her parents when she lost her mom. Angela mentioned once that she thought she was going crazy, that she was afraid of her husband. She said she was afraid to leave her daughter alone with him, afraid that he'd hurt the girl.

Rachel gasped, it's worse that she thought. She ran her shaking hands through her hair. She couldn't wrap her mind around what actually happened years ago. "You! How could you! Mom didn't try to commit suicide, did she? She hated alcohol. She never drank, but you did."

"Damn, sometimes you're too smart for your own good, but no one will believe you. Just like no one believes what you said happened with Slade. You're just a lying bitch, just like your mother."

"No! He raped me and you know it! You were there! You could've stopped him! But you didn't care! _You never cared_!"

"Enough! I'm tired of your ranting." Trigon roughly grabbed his daughter's arm again. "Come on, we're leaving."

Rachel pulled herself free. " _No_! I am not going anywhere with you, ever! Thanks to you, I don't have a father anymore."

"Fine! We'll take care of this here." Trigon raised the gun, pointing it to Rachel.

Rachel's eyes widened with fear again. She never thought her father would really shoot her. Terrified, she stood frozen in place.

All that time, Marc and Chelsea have listened in disbelief. Trigon hurt Angela then Rachel in countless ways for years. Angry, Marc couldn't let this horrible man hurt his niece any more.

Everything happened so fast. Marc pushed Rachel out of the way just as Trigon pulled the trigger. Marc heard screams as the shot rang out. He felt something stinging, burning his shoulder.

"Mar _cus_!" screamed Chelsea as she dove for her husband. He was shot in the shoulder.

Trigon took aim again at Rachel who slowly got up from the floor. Before he could do anything, the police burst through the door. They had their guns out, ready to shoot if needed.

" _FREEZE! DROP THE GUN! I SAID DROP THE GUN! EVERYONE, DOWN ON THE GROUND! DO IT! NOW!_ "

Trigon dropped the gun and an officer kicked it away. With Trigon lying on the floor, that officer searched him for more weapons.

Rachel trembled uncontrollably as she got on the floor. The sound of the gun going off still echoed in her ears.

Chelsea cried out, "Help! My husband's been shot." She tried not to cry but wasn't having much luck.

"I'm okay, Chels. Shh, I'm okay." He rubbed her back with his unharmed arm. "we're okay. I'm okay. Go check on Rachel."

"No, I'm staying with you. You were shot."

An officer checked out Marc's shoulder. It was just a flesh wound. The bullet went through his shoulder. Marc growled in pain as the office put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding.

Rachel wrapped her arms around herself, trying to stop her shaking as she watched the scene around her. Two officers helped a handcuffed Trigon up off the floor. Another one called in what happened after tending to her uncle. Rachel's stomach churned seeing the blood, her uncle's blood seep through his shirt. She couldn't believe this was happening. _Another_ horrible nightmare was happening.

Rachel jumped when an officer came over to her to see if she was all right. When he asked her if she was okay, Rachel stared at him as if he was speaking foreign language. She finally said, "I'm sorry. This is all my fault."

"You're probably just in shock but to be safe, we'll get you checked out at the hospital. Come on, let's go."

Rachel groaned, more hospitals. She was so sick of hospitals. "Is, is my uncle gonna be okay?"

"He's going to be fine. It was just a flesh wound. The bullet went right through." Rachel grimaced and looked as if she might be sick. "You okay?" Rachel nodded even though she wasn't so sure. "He'll probably need some stitches but he'll be fine. Don't worry." Again, Rachel nodded.

"Cody!" said Rachel before they exited the house.

"Who's Cody?"

"Cody's their dog. He's locked in the bathroom so he'd be safe."

"Cody's a yellow lab?" Rachel nodded. "Actually, he's in the backyard. It looked like he escaped through the window. All that barking he did alerted the neighbors that something was wrong."

Stepping out into the night, the blue and red flashing lights on the police cars were blinding.

Rachel barely recognized the neighbors that have gathered to see what was happened. Before Chelsea climbed into the ambulance with Marc, she told some neighbors how to find Eli and Lottie. Chelsea wanted them to know what happened but to stay away from the hospital.

As Rachel looked around, everything was surreal. Her eyes locked onto Trigon's eyes. He sat in the back of a squad car. Even in the custody of police, Trigon threatened his daughter. He never said a word but she knew by the menacing look in his eye; he wasn't done with her. Their connection broke as the car drove away. Rachel let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding.

"I want this all to end."

"What?" asked the police officer, "Are they fighting over you?"

"No. I want the nightmares that I have to keep living through to end."

* * *

 **Reviews welcome.**


	47. Chapter 47: Imaginary

**Thanks for stopping by.**

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 **Rated M due to potential language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 47: Imaginary**

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 **" _Swallowed up… / Cannot cease … / …deep sleep dreaming / …imaginary light_ " – Imaginary, Evanescence**

* * *

Rachel paced nervously in the hospital hallway. Chelsea was in an exam room with Marc. She hadn't left his side since they got there. Rachel watched a doctor go into that exam room. She hoped her uncle was all right.

Rachel kept getting in people's way so she forced herself to lean against the wall. Even though she's standing still, she can't keep from fidgeting. She has too much nervous energy as tonight's events went through her mind. Wringing her hands, she couldn't believe her father came back for her. He came back for her even though he didn't _want_ her; he just wanted to _own_ her. He didn't want her, just as he didn't want her mother.

Rachel couldn't believe her father was going to get rid of her. She couldn't believe that he tried to get rid of her mother. When Rachel said what she thought he did, Trigon didn't confirm it but he didn't deny it either. She didn't want to believe her father could be so horrible.

Rachel let out a shaky breath as a memory came to her. Back when everything happened, when she _thought_ her mother attempted suicide, Rachel came home early because she was sick. It wasn't because it was a half day of school. Trigon was expecting that to be Angela's last day. There was no way he could've guessed that his daughter would come home sick. Once his daughter found Angela, he had to react, as a distraught husband should. He had to call for help no matter how much he wanted to let his wife die.

Rachel ran her hands through her hair. Her father attempted murder? He would've killed her mother if she hadn't messed up his plans. Was _that_ why he hated her so much? He hated her because she'd messed up his plans to kill her mother? He would've killed her if Marc hadn't pushed her out of the way. Why did things keep going horribly wrong?

The dark-haired teen jumped when a hand touched her shoulder. "Rachel, it's okay. It's just me," said Chelsea.

"How's Uncle Marc?"

"The doctor's in there stitching him up. He's going to be o-"

"Mom!" The two turned to see Eli running down the hall. "Where's dad!"

"He's okay. I was just telling Rachel that."

"Mrs. Daniels said that some crazy maniac broke into the house and he had a gun. She said dad was hurt."

Chelsea tried to stay calm for her son, even though she was still rattled. "Your father was shot …"

"Oh my God!"

"He's okay. He was shot in the shoulder. The doctor's stitching him up now. He'll be good as new in no time."

Eli was relieved that his father was going to be okay. "The police caught who did this, right?"

"Yes, the police have him now. Where's Lottie?" Chelsea needed to know her daughter was safe. "Does she know all of this?"

"She's at the Daniels's house and she only knows that you guys had to come to the hospital because dad got hurt. She doesn't know what happened. Mrs. Daniels only told me what she knew after I made her. She tried to make me stay but I couldn't." The teen shook his head. "Who does this kind of thing? Who breaks into a house and threatens to shoot people? Shouldn't someone that crazy be locked up?"

Rachel looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

Her apology confused Eli. Why was Rachel apologizing? "What? Why?"

"I'm sorry. It was my father. He came to get me."

"What! _Your_ father did this to _my_ father? What the hell! Did you know he'd do this?"

"I never thought he'd have a gun."

"But you thought he'd come for you?"

"I was always afraid of that."

"Oh my God! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Eli!"

"You put innocent people in danger. Because of you, my dad was shot."

"Eli Christopher Madsen! Enough!" Hearing her son say that shocked Chelsea. He was normally even-tempered.

"No, he's right. I'm sorry. My family has tried to mess up your family. I'll give you two some time alone. I'm sorry. I never imagined anything like tonight happening." Rachel turned and hurried down the hall.

Chelsea called after her, "Rachel, wait." Rachel disappeared around the corner. Chelsea turned to her son. "Eli Christopher, why would you say something like that?"

"I'm sorry, mom. I'm just scared about dad and you. I, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. I was just so scared when I heard dad was shot."

"I understand," Chelsea held her towering son tight, "I know you're scared. So was I. We all were, including Rachel."

"I know and I didn't mean what I said. I realize this wasn't Rachel's fault."

"I knew you couldn't be that cruel." Chelsea reached up and messed up Eli's hair. "Go find Rachel and apologize to her. She probably knows you didn't mean the things you said but she needs to hear it."

"But what about dad?"

"He's fine but I'll call you if anything changes. Now, go."

It didn't take long for Eli to find Rachel. He found her sitting on a bench. Her elbows were on her knees and she held her head in her hands. Even though she was trying to calm down, she still shuddered occasionally. Not wanting to startle her, he slowly walked over to her. "Hey," he said.

"Hey," she mumbled in return.

"Mind if I sit down?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "It's a free country." She refused to look at her cousin. She didn't want him to see that she'd been crying.

Eli sat next to Rachel. They were both quiet for a while. At the same time they both said, "I'm sorry."

Eli went first, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said. I was scared about my parents, especially dad when I heard he'd been shot. I didn't know how bad it was. I had all sorts of terrible thoughts going through my mind."

"No, you don't have to apologize. You were scared, I get it. I was terrified. I still am." Eli noticed that Rachel's hands were still a little shaky. He felt as if she had something to say so he remained quiet.

Rachel continued, "He used to say that he'd destroy me if the secret ever got out. He beat me pretty badly a few times when he thought I might get away from him. But when they took me away and I didn't see or hear from him, I honestly thought he was done with me. Never in a million years would I imaging that he'd show up like that. I'm sorry, if I did, I never would've stayed at your house."

"It's not your fault, Rachel. You can't control what crazy ideas your dad gets." Rachel just shrugged her shoulders. "C'mon, let's go check on my dad."

Rachel slowly followed her cousin. When they got to the exam room, she hung back not wanting to get in the way. The doctor had just finished stitching up Marc. To be sure there was no infection, he had to stay the night.

Chelsea wanted to stay with him but Marc insisted he was all right. "Chels, go home with the kids. They need you there. I'm fine now."

* * *

Rachel spent most of her time in her room. She joined the Madsens for meals but she was quieter than usual. Her friends kept checking in on her but Rachel reassured them that she was fine. She said she was fine but kept to herself. Marc and Chelsea were concerned about her. They were afraid that Trigon showing up as he did, set back Rachel's progress.

One day, nobody could find Rachel. Marc and Chelsea tried calling her friends but they hadn't heard from or seen her. Rachel's friends promised to call if they did. Now Marc and Chelsea were really worried. They didn't think she would do anything dangerous to herself. They were mainly nervous about her safety. Trigon was out on bail. They didn't think he'd do anything right away but they were still worried.

Marc drove around the city, searching places he thought Rachel might go. He wasn't having any luck when he remembered something Rachel said when she first moved in with them. Slowly driving through the old cemetery, Marc searched for his niece.

Rachel heard footsteps approaching her but she didn't look up. She knew somebody would find her eventually. Continuing to pull weeds, Rachel asked, "How did you find me?"

"I remembered you mentioned coming here. You said something about this place when I picked you up and we were going home." Marc watched his niece's hands tighten around the weeds. He was sure she was cursing herself for sharing such information.

"Well, you found me. You know I'm safe. So, you can go."

Marc sat next to his troubled niece. "Rachel, you don't have to avoid us. What happened that night wasn't your fault. No one could know that your father would do that."

Rachel snappishly turned to look at her uncle, _"I_ should've known. I should've known it was all too easy, getting away from him. I didn't know it at the time but he didn't let mom go. Mom just wanted to get us away from him and he tried to kill her. I let the secret get out _and_ I wanted to escape. I should've _known_ he'd come after me."

"There's no way you could've known," said Marc softly.

Rachel looked down at the blade of grass in her hand. "I just wanted a chance to be happy. To not have to watch everything I do. I was so selfish. I was so _stupid_ to think I could be happy."

"Rachel, you're not …"

"Lottie's having nightmares. She shouldn't have nightmares about someone barging in and threatening to kill her family. I did that. I lead my father to you. And you, you got shot trying to protect me."

"I'm okay."

"But what if you weren't? What if you were seriously shot? What if you died? What if my father shot Chelsea and me? What would've happened to Eli and Lottie? What if …"

"That didn't happen. I'm okay, we're safe. He can't get to us anymore. He'd be foolish to try anything."

Rachel shook her head. "Every time I have a chance at being happy something horrible happens. It's as if I'm cursed. Things used to only happen to me but now they're happening to innocent people who try to help me. If you were smart you would just get rid of me, send me back."

"You're family, we're not …"

"Being family doesn't mean _anything_ ; not to my father. And he doesn't have to do anything himself. He can send somebody, like he sent Slade."

Marc wondered about that. He wanted to ask his niece about the night she was attacked but never got the chance. "You mentioned earlier and the other night that your father was there. Was he really there when you were attacked?" He can't imagine not helping someone in danger, especially if it was his daughter.

Rachel picked up a pebble and fiddled with it. She took a deep breath before letting it out slowly. "I've only told the police the whole story about that night. I mean, I've mentioned bits and pieces of it to Dr. Patterson. Just enough so he knows what happened, but I-I've never told anyone I know exactly what happened."

She stopped for a moment. When Rachel started speaking again, she was barely above a whisper, "I realize my father hated me. He had to, to send Slade. _He'd_ warned me to stay away from Slade. I-I don't know if he sent him to do _that_ or simply to scare me. I'll probably never know. I don't think I _want_ to know. I'd hate to think he's _that_ evil. And I'll never know how long he was standing there, what he saw. But he had to have seen I was in danger. Slade had one hand over my mouth and the other …," Rachel couldn't continue but her uncle understood what she was saying. His heart ached for her. He knew it wasn't easy for her to open up, especially about that. "I thought for sure my father would save me, rescue me. But he didn't. He walked away, probably drunk. He didn't, he doesn't care about me."

"I'm sorry."

"I felt so rejected, unloved. I couldn't understand why it was happening to me. I didn't understand _why_ my father would leave me alone with that, that monster. Couldn't he see what was going to happen to me or didn't he care? Was he too drunk to care? Or maybe he just hated me that much."

"I'm sorry," said Marc again. Rachel's anger, especially towards her father was understandable. After hearing that Trigon practically walked away while his daughter was being raped, made Marc's blood boil. He'd love to tear into his horrible brother-in-law. Marc could only imagine that what he was feeling was only a fraction of what Rachel felt. No wonder she was a mess sometimes; not only was she raped but her father didn't help her.

Rachel slowly ran her fingers through her hair. She stopped, grasping her head. She held her head for a moment before dropping her hands in her lap. She looked so defeated. "Maybe they're right? Maybe it wasn't rape? Maybe it was like Slade said, just …bad …sex?"

Marc couldn't believe what she was saying. Was she blaming herself? Was she making excuses for him? "Rachel …

"I have nothing to compare it to. I'd had a boyfriend but we, I'd never …I was confused. I was beyond scared. I was terrified. I didn't know, I couldn't believe what was happening. I was so confused. I-I just stopped fighting him. I _let_ Slade continue to violate me."

"Rachel, you did nothing wrong. They did. Your father was wrong for hurting you and sending Slade for whatever reason. Slade was wrong for what he did. He raped you."

"Slade was rough and intrusive but _I stopped fighting him_. I didn't even scream, I could only cry while he …. After that, I didn't, I couldn't go to the police or a doctor to report it. That's why my ex-boyfriend's mom didn't believe me when I tried to tell her. I thought _she_ would understand. She said I was wrong to accuse a guy of something so horrible only because I regretted having sex. I didn't say the words: 'I was raped' but …I thought she understood what I was trying to say. I was confused, I thought _he_ was wrong, not me."

"Slade was very wrong. He had no right to take advantage of you like that. No man does. You were scared and confused and that's more than enough reason for him to have stopped. He used you to gain control and that was extremely wrong. No one has the right to take another person's control like he did. I'm so sorry he hurt you."

A desperate Rachel looked up at her uncle. "Then you, you …believe …me? You don't think that I was the one who was wrong? You really think what Slade did was wrong? I mean, I don't even remember if I said no."

Marc supportively hugged his niece. "Rachel, _you_ did _nothing_ wrong. Maybe you should've seen a doctor sooner but that's only so you could start healing sooner. The fact that your family doesn't change my opinion or how I feel. I'm so sorry you're hurting."

Rachel clung to her uncle and sobbed. "I h-h-hate them s-so m-much. A-and I-I hate mys-self for not s-stopping things s-sooner."

"Rachel, you did nothing wrong. I understand why you feel like that but you did nothing wrong. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you."

Wiping her eyes, Rachel pulled away from her uncle. "You didn't know. You didn't know anything about me, thanks to my father."

"I knew Angela was pregnant and I never checked on her. Your mom thought our parents were too controlling. She rebelled against them and got involved with Trigon. I didn't know him but I was busy with my life so I never tried to get to know him. Maybe if I did, I would've seen that he was also controlling. At least, I should've checked on her after you were born."

"It probably wouldn't have made a difference. When I was little, he wasn't really that bad. As I got older, things got worse. I thought it was just me. I never imagined mom went through it too. I miss her so much."

"Would it help if we went to see her?"

The dark haired teen perks up, "You really think we could? Didn't the judge say we had to stay apart for a while?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure the judge will understand the circumstances, that you need to see your mom. The first chance we get, we'll go see Angela."

"Thank you, Uncle Marc," Rachel leapt at him, hugging him. "I'm sorry for being so much trouble."

Marc hugged his niece then held her by her shoulders at arm's length. "Don't be sorry, just work on getting better. Be happy, like the girl Angela wants you to be. Get back at your father that way; be happy and get on with your life."

Though Rachel had tears in her eyes, she was smiling. "I'll try." Her smile faded. "I'm sorry I've worried you and Aunt Chelsea so much. I didn't mean to do that."

"We know that you're upset but we're here for you. You can always talk to either one of us."

"I know. I-I'm just not used to sharing things. And I didn't want to make you mad. I like living with you guys; I didn't want to leave."

"Rachel, you're not going anywhere. Sometimes, Chelsea and I get angry, it human nature. Maybe we're mad at each other, maybe the kids or maybe it's something else but after some time things are okay again. If we do get mad at you, we're not going to write you off and abandon you. You're family. You can't get rid of us that easily."

Rachel's tears started up again. "I know. I know that's how it should be but …It was never that way with him. If I wanted my father's love, I couldn't make a mistake, I couldn't make him angry. Love was a conditional thing for him; I had to earn it. I tried not to share things with him that might make him mad. That would've been a mistake. I couldn't make mistakes but I couldn't be perfect either. If I was perfect, that would've been a huge mistake. In my father's eyes, he was the only one allowed to be perfect. All I wanted was my father's love."

Marc hugged his niece again, trying to comfort her. "Of course you did. There's probably a part of you that still wants that. It might not be the same but I hope you know that Chelsea and I love you." Rachel nodded her head against her uncle's chest. "We almost think of you as one of ours. We can't imagine you not being with us."

Rachel broke away from the hug. She self-consciously wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry, again."

"Like I said, we're family and we're all stuck with each other. Good or bad, we're all together and nobody's giving up on anybody, okay?" The dark-haired teen nodded that she understood. "Come on, let's get you home. You must be tired and hungry."

Rachel nodded again as they got up from their ancestor's grave. As they were walking to the car, Rachel thought how good it felt going to a real, honest home. Somewhere where people cared about her and loved her. It'd been along time since she'd felt like that. Despite what her uncle said, Rachel didn't want to jeopardize things. She would work hard at getting better. She wanted to make them proud and not regret taking her in.

* * *

A few days later, on a warm, sunny afternoon, Rachel decided to enjoy it by sitting on the deck and reading. Everything in the house was back to normal. Well, almost. There was still some tension between Rachel and Eli. She wasn't exactly avoiding him or any of them; she just wanted to give them some space. It was peaceful and quiet until her cousins came out to play basketball. Rachel remembered hearing Lottie asking Eli if he'd play with her at breakfast.

Rachel tried to ignore them and read her book but occasionally she ended up watching them. Lottie noticed her cousin keeping an eye on them.

"Eli?" said Lottie.

"What?"

"Come here."

"What is it?"

"Rachel's been watching us. She pretends that she's reading but I've seen her watching us. Do you think she'd want to play with us?"

"She doesn't seem like the athletic type."

"We're just goofing around, playing basketball. We're not playing in the NBA finals. Do you think we should ask her to join us?"

"Sure, if you want to but don't be disappointed if she doesn't join us." Eli was sure that his cousin would do what she always did when the family did something together; turn them down. He knew that she'd been through a lot but he wished that she'd open up a little.

"I won't cuz she's gonna join us." Lottie called out to her cousin, "Hey, Rachel?"

Rachel looked up from her book, "Yeah?"

"Wanna play some basketball?"

"Uh, no thanks."

"C'mon, it'll be fun."

"I'm not really into all that sports stuff."

"See," said Eli to his sister, "I told you so." He was afraid it'd turn out like this.

Lottie wrinkled her nose at her brother, "What are you afraid of? Loosing to a couple of girls?" Lottie turned to Rachel, "It'll be fun."

Before Rachel could say anything, Eli said, "I'm not afraid, I just don't wanna push Rachel into doing something she doesn't want to do."

Lottie repeated what she said moments ago, "We're just having fun, goofing around. Please, Rachel, say you'll play. Just for a little bit. If you don't like it, if you're not having fun, you can stop. Ple- _ease_."

Eli said to his cousin, "You might as well say yes cuz she's not gonna let up."

"Okay, okay," Rachel held her hands up, "I'll play, but only for ten minutes. I'm warning you, I'm no good at this."

Thirty minutes later, Chelsea looked out the window. She heard something she's never heard before. The three kids were playing basketball and laughing. Chelsea smiled, she's only heard Rachel softly laugh but never heard her laugh like that. All three kids were laughing so hard that they were doubled over. Chelsea was thankful that the three were back to getting along again. When Lottie came in, Chelsea moved away from the window so it wasn't obvious that she'd been watching them.

"Having fun?" Chelsea asked her daughter.

"Yeah, we are." The girl had a large smile on her face. She went to the refrigerator and pulled out three drinks. Instead of going back outside, Lottie sat at the kitchen table. Chelsea eyed her daughter curiously. "I'm just giving them a little time. You know, to talk."

Outside, Rachel and Eli sat on the deck steps. They were waiting for Lottie to bring drinks. They'd finally calmed down from laughing.

Rachel glanced over at her cousin who was fiddling with the basketball. She softly said, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Thank you for letting me feel normal for a while, even though nothing is normal right now."

"It will get better." Eli looked over at his cousin and saw how worried she was. "The worst is in the past, right? Things can only get better. You and my dad are seeing your mom, aren't you?"

"Yeah, tomorrow."

"You must be excited about seeing her."

"Yeah, and nervous. The last time I saw her, things didn't end so well. I kind of yelled at her, blaming her for everything. The time before that, she snapped at me."

"You'll probably feel better after you see her. And I'm sure it'll help once we're back in school and you have your friends around all the time. Things will get better."

Rachel smiled at her cousin, "Thanks."

"Now your game, there's no hope for you and basketball."

Rachel laughed, it was true. She was horrible at it. "Thanks, but it's not as if you're gonna be on the varsity team anytime soon."

"At least I can play. I think my grandma could play better than you did."

"In case you didn't notice, I made a basket."

Eli laughed hardily at that memory. Rachel was never close to making a basket. Slightly frustrated, she'd bounced the ball hard against the driveway. The ball bounced in the direction of the basket and went in. "That was by accident."

"It went in, didn't it? Isn't that what mattered."

"You need your friend, Richard, to show you lots of tips." Rachel stuck her tongue out at him causing both of them to begin laughing again.

When Lottie came out with the drinks, she didn't know what was going on. She was just glad that everyone was getting along again.

* * *

Rachel was relieved to be back in school. Her story had gone around school and occasionally she received strange looks. But having her friends and cousin around helped a lot. She was thankful that she was back to a normal daily routine.

Even though Rachel was glad for school, she still wasn't used to it. It was harder than she thought to get back into the swing of things. She'd be happy when she stopped forgetting things in different classrooms.

Forgetting the same book for the second time that week, Rachel annoyingly went back to her last class. She was irritated with herself. She didn't want to be late for meeting her friends but she needed that book.

Rachel stopped upon entering the classroom. Kitten seemed to be waiting for her. Rachel could only imagine what her former best friend had in store for her. Rachel glared at the blonde. "Save it. I'm not in the mood for what you have to say." What Kitten did next surprised Rachel.

Kitten didn't say anything but went across the room and put her arms around a stunned Rachel. As Kitten hugged the teen, Rachel was still and stiff, holding her breath. Kitten simply said, I'm sorry, before she left Rachel alone.

Rachel looked blankly at the door where Kitten left. Her expression was a mix of surprise, confusion, disbelief and hope. If Kitten could have empathy for her then maybe there was hope for them. They could never get back what they'd lost but maybe they could stop being enemies. Maybe some day, they could almost be friends.

Shaking her head, Rachel broke out of her daze. She went to her desk, grabbed her book and ran to her locker. If she hurried, she wouldn't be late.

Fifteen minutes later, Rachel met up with her friends at Kori's house. "Sorry I'm late."

"Do not worry. You are not late. Vic just showed up with snacks. Do you want candy or potato chips? I am having both, together."

Gar made a face, "Dude, what strange combination of food will you eat when you're pregnant?"

"What do you mean?" asked Kori, innocently.

"Like, I dunno, but I think pregnant women are supposed to eat things like pickles and ice cream."

With a straight face, Kori said, "Why is that strange. That is tasty."

Gar almost fell out of his chair. "What? No. You can't … that's disgusting."

Kori started to giggle. "You are right. That is disgusting. I like some odd combinations but I will not eat that. Ew, that is gross."

Everyone laughed at Gar's reaction. Richard said, "You really thought she'd eat something like that. Although, potato chips and M&Ms aren't bad. It's that sweet and salty thing."

"Dude! She's converted you. Next thing you know, you'll be mixing blue Jell-O with your mashed potatoes and gravy."

"EW!" Everyone was grossed out by that combination. They all spent the next few minutes coming up with weird food combinations.

It took some time but they were finally calming down from their laughing fit. "Hey, Rae," said Vic, "Weren't you gonna see your mom."

"Yeah, I did the other day."

"How'd that go?"

Rachel sighed, remembering the events from a few days ago. "I was nervous because I didn't know how she'd be. Would she still be mad at me for blowing up at her in the courtroom?

"She would not hold a grudge on you, I am sure of it."

"I think you might be right about that. Well, Uncle Marc and mom talked alone for awhile. He got more out of her then I ever could. It turns out, my father had been paying her original doctor to keep my mom drugged. It didn't matter how much mom wanted to get better, she couldn't because of the drugs."

"Oh, how horrible. She has a new, good doctor and will be able to get well, will she not?"

Rachel can hardly keep from smiling. "Yes, Kori, my mom is getting better. Her new husband, Raúl is good for her and is helping her. And they're moving here to Jump City. I won't get to see her all the time, even if she's here. But it'll be nice knowing she's nearby. She's getting better and I get to see her fairly regularly. It's not gonna be easy." Rachel smile faded. "He messed her up. It seems that my father likes to do that to the females in his life."

"Rachel, if your mom's anything like you, then she'll make it."

"Thanks Richard. I'm so glad I got to see her. The visit went well."

Kori clapped her hands. "This is wonderful. We must go shopping."

"Why?" Rachel didn't understand.

"If your mom is coming here, then you must have something to welcome her."

"It's gonna be a while before she's here so we have time. We don't have to go shopping today."

"Nonsense. Shopping is needed. Come on. We are all going shopping."

The guys and Rachel groaned. Rachel knew that her friend meant well but simple shopping trips with Kori were far from simple. A short trip was more like a journey. Rachel smiled, if it meant she'd have her mom back in her life, then she'd go shopping with Kori everyday.

* * *

The last few days had been unusually warm, Rachel welcomed it. She actually enjoyed wearing short sleeves. The scars on her arms were faded enough so they weren't so noticeable.

After school, Gar found Rachel at her locker. "Hey, Rae, um, I mean Rachel, are you doing anything this afternoon?"

"No. Why?"

"Oh nothing really, today's supposed to be the last nice day for a while. I was kinda wondering if you'd like to walk home through the park, with me."

"Yeah, sure, okay." Rachel was so focused on remembering her notes for history that she didn't notice Gar's reaction. First, she didn't see how nervous he was. Then she didn't see how excited, almost giddy he was. She didn't realize that Gar practically asked her out on a simple date.

As they strolled through the park, they talked about simple things, such as school. Rachel was glad to be back in school. She liked having her friends and now her cousin around her.

They both enjoyed walking in the warm sun. Even though she was comfortable, Rachel walked with her hands together. She occasionally rubbed them together as if she was trying to keep warm. Gar noticed that, "Are you cold? Here, let me help you." Gar stood facing Rachel. He wrapped his hands around hers. It looked as if he was trying to warm her mittenless hands while they stood in a snowstorm, not on a warm autumn day.

"No, it's just a habit I guess. Too much nervous energy."

As Rachel looked up at Gar, she wondered about him. When did he get taller than her? They used to be about the same height. And he wasn't as scrawny as he used to be. When did that happen? His eyes were like jewels. She'd never noticed that before. She always thought they were just green. Green didn't begin to describe them, emerald, peridot, and jade with flecks of gold. So full of life and energy.

'When did he get taller than me? We used to be about the same height. And he's not as scrawny as he used to be. His eyes are like jewels. I never noticed that before. I always thought they were just green. Green doesn't begin to describe them, emerald, peridot, and jade with flecks of gold. So full of life and energy.'

Gar stepped closer to Rachel, shortening the distance between them. Slowly, he leaned closer to her as she started to lean towards him. Suddenly, Rachel jumped back and pulled her hands away from him. 'What's wrong?' Gar wondered, 'I hope I didn't scare her.' "Rachel, what's wrong?"

"I just remembered I have a session this afternoon. I have to go."

"Want me to go with you?"

"No. Thanks, though." Rachel took off running down the path, leaving a dejected Gar. At the end of the path, before she had to turn, she stopped. Rachel called out to him, "Hey, Gar-FIELD, thanks. I'll call you tonight."

Gar couldn't help smiling as he walked home. He almost kissed Rachel. And she called him Garfield. He wondered if that meant he could now call her Rae.

Rachel rushed into Dr. Paterson's office. She was out of breath and her face was flushed. She wasn't focused and he wondered what's happened. "Rachel, are you all right?"

"What?" Startled, she looked up at her doctor, "No. Yes. No, I don't know."

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah, just now, in the park."

Dr. Paterson was worried. "Rachel, what happened?"

Rachel's blush intensified. "I-I almost kissed one of my best friends, Gar."

"Did you want to kiss him?"

"Yes …I did but I didn't."

"Why didn't you want to kiss him?"

"Because I'm ...afraid."

"Why are you afraid?"

"I don't want to mess things up. I'm afraid of what will happen if we go beyond friends. We're close as friends and I don't want to ruin that."

"It could work out all right. It might not hurt to go out on a few dates just to see."

"No, I don't want to hurt Gar but I can't date him. We can only be friends; nothing more." Rachel ran her hands through her hair. "I can't believe I almost kissed him. Then I ran away before we could. Ugh, he must think I'm a complete spaz. He probably thinks I don't like him. The thing is, lately, I've been thinking about dating. I think I might be ready to be close with a guy."

Rachel realized how that sounded. She shook her head. "I'm not talking about going all the way. I just want things to be simple and to go slow. You know, like, holding hands, cuddling, and maybe kissing, simple things. But with how I reacted with Gar, maybe I'm not ready. After all, most guys want more action than just holding hands, don't they? I don't know, maybe I'll never be ready."

"You're right, maybe you're not ready. However, the fact that you're thinking about dating is a good sign. A few months ago, you wouldn't have been able to consider kissing someone. Perhaps you simply need some more time. Don't beat yourself up about this. Moreover, don't push yourself. You'll know when your ready. Everything will feel right."

"What about Gar? I don't want to tease him or lead him on. I don't want to give him false hope."

"Be honest with him. You can even tell him what you just told me. He sounds as if he's a good friend and that he'll understand. He'll probably be disappointed but if he truly cares about you and your well-being then he'll be patient."

Rachel nodded, hoping that Dr. Paterson was right. She hated the thought of hurting Gar but she was more afraid of losing him if they get together then broke up. Just friends was best.

* * *

 **Please review.**


	48. Chapter 48: Jekyll and Hyde

**Thanks for reading and reviewing.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Five Finger Death Punch or any lyrics.**

 **Chapter 48: Jekyll and Hyde**

* * *

 **" _I_ _f I … /… change … the same_?" - Jekyll and Hyde, Five Finger Death Punch**

* * *

Rachel looked up from her book. It didn't take long for the book to drop, forgotten, in her lap. Her mind was on about anything but her book. Tired of interruptions and wanting some time alone, Rachel was at the park. The book was new, the next in a series. She was eager to read it but now she couldn't focus on it.

Rachel kept thinking about her session with Dr. Patterson. Could he be right? Could she be ready to start a relationship? Was that even possible after what she'd been through? She just wanted a chance to be normal. Was that too much to ask?

Rachel's mind raced with questions but she had no answers. She _almost_ wished someone that she trusted would tell her what to do. That way, whatever happened, it wouldn't be because of her. She wouldn't be responsible for making the wrong decision.

Rachel sighed. She thought Gar liked her but she was so messed up. Why would Gar like her? He should probably run away as fast as he could. What should she do?

"I think it's wonderful that he likes you."

Rachel was surprised to hear someone answering her thoughts. She was further surprised when she looked for the source of the voice. The girl next to her resembled Rachel, only that new girl had a pink light shining down on her, giving her a pink glow

"I think it's wonderful," repeated the pink Rachel. "It's about time you get to be happy."

"Uh ..." said Rachel stupidly. She was dumbfounded. She had no idea what was going on.

"I agree with her," said another girl who looked like Rachel. That girl was enveloped with a green light, another Rachel. "You should have something to be happy about. Especially after all that _shit_ they pulled."

"What's going on? Who are you?" said the actual Rachel as she tried to see the source of the light.

"I'm you, silly," said the pink version of Rachel.

"What she means is that they are a part of you. They are your emotions," said yet another version of Rachel. This one encased in a yellow light.

Completely confused, the real Rachel looked up to the sky, trying to find the source of the lights. There's no possibly way any of this was happening.

"Thought you were averagely smart," said a red Rachel, "Can't you figure this out?"

"Leave her alone," said the green Rachel, "Let her get used to this. She's never been though this before."

The real Rachel looked around at the different versions of herself. How was this possible? There were four other versions of her. No, there were five of them. A grey Rachel peaked out from behind the green one.

"I-I really w-wish you w-wouldn't yell at her," timidly said the grey one.

"You're all my emotions? What is happening? I shouldn't be talking to you. Did my mind finally snap after everything that's happened to me? It's that or I hit my head and now I'm delusional."

"No, no you're not injured or going crazy," said the yellow-light encased Rachel. "They are your emotions and I'm your intelligence." The red version humphed her annoyance. "The others, with the exception of the green one, you have tried to suppress at one time or another. We are here to help you."

"Uh, thanks for looking out for me but you don't need to. I'm sorry you had to come all the way from I don't know where, but I don't need your help."

"Do we have a denial version?" asked the crimson Rachel. "We don't? Well, we should cuz she'd be very strong. Almost as strong as me and Weepy over there." The grey Rachel whimpered louder at that comment.

The green entity stepped between the red and grey varieties of Rachel. "Back off, Rage. I know that you're angry and upset. We all are but don't take things out on Rachel or Timidity. We all have a reason to here, especially after the year Rachel's had."

The red Rachel glared at the others. "Fine. I'll keep my mouth shut like a good little girl. For now."

The genuine Rachel watched all of that in silence. It was so strange watching different forms of herself quarrelling. "So, um, how are you ...um, how am I supposed to help me." Rachel shook her head. None of this made sense.

"Either way would be correct," said the yellow Rachel. Rage, the red-encased version mocked her yellow "sister". The pink one giggled but the yellow Rachel ignored them. "We are here to help you help yourself. We want to help you so you are not so afraid."

"Afraid? I'm not afraid."

"Seriously, there should be a denial version. She'd pop up now. What color is denial, anyway?"

"Shut up, Rage."

"Back at ya, Bold and NOT so beautiful."

"Enough you two. Now is not the time for such immaturity. We're here to help Rachel."

Rachel looked at all the versions of herself. "Wait, what did the red one mean when she said that the grey one was stronger? Are some of them stronger than some of the others?"

"Rachel," said the yellow Rachel, "you have a tendency to hide your emotions. By doing that, over a long period of time, some of those hidden emotions can get weaker." The pink one gave a sad smile. "That leaves an option for another emotion to get stronger."

"And sometimes we get stronger even if it's just out of spite. I won't let _anyone_ make me a weakling." Rachel took a slight step back. Were the red one's eyes just red for a second?

"Rage, just stop. We do _not_ have time for that." Rage, the red Rachel stood off to the side, fuming. "As I was saying, Rachel, you tend to shut down and hide your emotions when you're upset. I can understand why you would do that but sometimes it caused problems. When your father hurt your feelings, then did worse, you started shutting down. In turn, your happy side became," the Rachel encased in the yellow light took a moment to find the best way to describe things. "She became malnourished, for lack of a better description."

Again the pink-lighted Rachel wiggled her fingers in a sheepish wave. She seemed embarrassed. "I really liked it when we got friends. It'd been a long time since we'd had a best friend. I'm sorry Jenni's not around anymore but Kori's great. And now we have Lottie. I'm overjoyed, I can hardly stand it. The guys are wonderful also. Especially Garfield." She said Gar's name in a sing-songy voice. "I'm ecstatic about Gar. Jason was good for us but I think Gar'll be even better."

The actual Rachel took another step back. Whoa, it was as if she had Kori inside her head.

"I know," said the pink version, "That's why I like her so much. We're like two peas in a pod."

"You're pea brained alright."

"Rage ..."

"S- _orr_ -ry. I'll let Miss Knows-it-all have the stage."

The yellow version of Rachel rolled her eyes, much as the original one would. "As I was saying, you are afraid but not with the same type of fear you have felt before. Right now you are afraid getting hurt."

"How is that different from the times before? I've been hurt in several different ways for years. Last year was the worst."

"True, but ..."

"I'm sorry," interrupted the grey Rachel as she wiped away tears, "I didn't mean to take over things. But everybody else kind of disappeared and that made me more scared. I might be scared of a lot of things but I still want others around."

"Yeah, you're scared of your own shadow." Timidity, the grey Rachel whimpered loudly as she curled up in a ball.

It didn't take long for all the versions of Rachel to begin bickering. They were all talking at the same time or crying. With hurt feelings, the pink version began to join Timidity in shedding tears. To be heard, each one yelled louder. Before long, no one could be heard. The real Rachel couldn't take much more of that. It was making her head hurt.

"Enough!" yelled the actual Rachel. The other versions stopped and stared at her. "That's not helping. How am I supposed to get passed my fears?"

"Simple. Just know that we are here for you," said the yellow Rachel as she turned to a glowing orb. The others did the same. The orbs circled Rachel.

"What? That's it? I thought you were going to give me answers."

The orbs increased their pace until they were dizzyingly fast. They were now a white light that raced around Rachel. They suddenly stopped. Instead of separating, they remained as a single white sphere. The glowing globe raced straight towards Rachel.

"Remember," said a mixture of their voices, "you are never alone. We are always with you."

Rachel shielded herself from the impact.

Gasping, Rachel sat up on the sofa. She was surprised to see that she was in the Madsen's living room.

"Rachel?" Chelsea called out from the kitchen, "are you all right?"

"Yeah, I, um ..." the dark-haired teen tried to recover as fast as she could.

Chelsea came into the room and sat next to her niece. "You fell asleep and had a dream?" she guessed. Rachel nodded sheepishly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, it's okay."

"You can talk to me or Marc about anything, anytime. You know that, right?"

"I know that, thanks. It wasn't that kind of dream. It wasn't about what's happened, well, not directly. I'm just trying to figure something out. Don't worry, the nightmares don't happen like they used to. I'm okay."

"Okay, if you're sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"I'm sure," Rachel paused as she thought about her dream. "I'm okay. Thanks for worrying about me but you don't have to, I'm fine. I should probably go work on my paper."

As Rachel went up the stairs, Chelsea watched her. She knew that her niece said that she was all right but she still worried. Last year was a lot for one person to handle, especially all alone.

* * *

Vic picked Rachel up at the Madsen's, they were on their way to the movies. They were meeting their friends there. Driving along, they chatted. After a while, Vic noticed that he was the only one who was talking. He looked over to his friend. She looked distracted.

"Hey, Rae, everything okay?"

Rachel blinked a few times. She shook her head slightly. "Sorry, what?"

"I was just wondering if you're okay. You got kinda quiet there. Anything wrong?"

"No, not really. I'm just thinking about a dream I had."

"Was it about Gar?"

"Sort of," Rachel said reluctantly. She was worried that she'd be teased about it.

She was right. "Oooh, you had a dream about Gar," Vic said in a sing-song-y voice. Rachel rolled her eyes. His smile disappeared when he realized what he just said. "Ew! You had a dream about Gar."

Rachel rolled her eyes again. "It wasn't that kind of dream. He wasn't even in it."

Gradually recovering from his freak-out, Vic looked confused. "What do you mean? How could you have a dream about Gar but he's not in it?"

"Well, I guess I was just trying to figure things out."

"You're trying to decide if you should date Gar or not?"

"Forget I said anything."

"Want to know what I think?"

"I said forget about it."

Ignoring her, Vic continued, "I don't think you can go wrong with Gar. He's a good guy. Sometimes he acts stupid but that's just an act, for the most part. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you. He just wants you to be happy."

"I know." There was a long pause before Rachel continued. "That's what makes this so hard. He might be good for me but ..."

"But what? If Gar'd be good for you, then what's wrong?"

"What if I'm not good for him? What if I'm just too messed up?"

"Rae ..."

"Listen, you guys have been great. Everyone has been, but maybe I'm not supposed to be with a 'good' guy," she added softly. "Maybe I'm just one of those unlucky people who's not supposed to have a happy ending?"

"Rae, that's ridiculous. Of course you deserve to be happy. Maybe Gar's not the one for you? But you will have a good guy in your life. I'll make sure any guy's good to you. Stop listening to your father's voice in your head. He's the one who's made you doubt yourself."

Rachel sighed . "I know, I'm sorry. I can't help it, sometimes he gets in my head. He was always quick to tell me what was wrong with me but never what's good or right."

"There's plenty of good in you and you deserve a good life."

"I know, I know."

Vic pulled into the lot of the garage he's been working at on the weekends. "I gotta go do something inside. It'll just take me a few minutes, then we'll go."

"Okay, I'll wait here for you."

While Vic was inside the garage, Rachel tried to weigh the pros and cons of dating Gar. After a while, Rachel realized she wasn't getting anywhere. She wondered what was taking Vic so long. If they didn't leave soon, they'd miss the beginning of the movie. She went into the garage.

"Hey, Vic, what's taking so long?"

"What?" He sounded as if he was buried deep within a car.

"What are you doing?" Rachel went over to the car Vic was working on. His hands were covered with grease and oil. "Thought you were only going to a few minutes."

"Sorry," Vic said as he wiped off his hands. "Got a little distracted." He was surprised to see her here. He quickly looked from Rachel to car then back to Rachel again. "Rae," he laughed nervously, "what are you doing here?"

"I came to get you, we're going to be late." Rachel slowly walked around the car, studying it. "Who's this car for?"

"What do ya mean, it's just a car."

"To you, a car isn't _just_ a car. I'm pretty sure you've named yours. You said something about how you get to work on your own things on your own time. This car you're working on, it can't be for you."

"Why not? Maybe I need a new one."

Rachel eyed her friend curiously. He seemed a little nervous. "For one thing, you said that your car is perfect. And another thing, this car looks like it'd be for a girl."

"What do you mean this car looks like it'd be for a girl? What does a girl's car look like?"

"I don't know, but it just seems like you're working on this car for a girl."

"So, I like working on cars. It might be for someone like Kori."

"Kori? l don't think so. She loves her car almost as much as you do. And don't say it's for your grandmother. This doesn't seem like her kind of car." As Rachel walked around the car again, she said, "It kind of looks like something I might like."

At that comment, the wrench that Vic held clattered noisily on the cement floor of the garage. "Oops, sorry, didn't mean to do that." As he retrieved the rebellious tool, Rachel's eyes narrowed as she watched her friend. Vic seemed uncomfortable. Fumbling to put his tools away, Vic's face started getting red. He looked nervous. Why was he so nervous all of a sudden? She didn't know why but thought for a moment. She remembered commenting to her cousins about liking a car similar to that one. "You aren't ...?"

Vic hastily shoved the rest of his tools into their case. "C'mon, let's go. You don't want to be late to the movie, do ya?"

"But ..."

"C'mon." Vic hooked his hand around Rachel's elbow. He gently pulled her towards the door. Curious, Rachel took another glance at the car being restored. Vic pulled on Rachel's arm a little harder. "Come ON. The others are waiting for us."

After the movie, the five friends walked through the neighborhood. Four of them discussed the movie while the fifth one was lost in her own thoughts. Rachel couldn't stop thinking about Vic's strange reaction to her seeing the car. Could Vic really be working on a car for her? If he was, was it her aunt's and uncle's idea? Was the car for Christmas? Rachel didn't know, she didn't have her license yet.

Rachel welcomed the distraction. She wasn't getting any answers when it came to Gar. Every time she thought she was close to getting answers, more questions surfaced. This wasn't what it was like when she was deciding to date Jason. _That_ simply happened. It might have been slow but it wasn't as difficult as this. This time things were just too complicated, too many possibilities for things to go wrong.

As Rachel's mind raced with questions, she hoped some day she could leave her past in the past. She didn't know how she'd do that but focusing on the present couldn't hurt.

"Ooh!" said Kori, "is that not simply adorable? Those tiny little costumes are just scrumptious."

"The little dinosaur one is super cute," admitted Gar.

Confused, Rachel looked at what her friends are excited about. They were all standing outside a small shop. It was a children's clothing shop. The window was full of Halloween costumes and decorations. It was whimsical and cute but to Rachel it was shocking.

Rachel took a step back. She must have gasped because the others turned to her. Rachel just stood there. She blinked several times but she couldn't take her eyes off a tiny costume.

Kori followed her gaze. Putting it together, she covered her mouth. "Oh, Rachel I am so sorry. It was not our intention to upset you."

The guys looked back and forth between the two girls. What was wrong?

Rachel shook her head. "No, I know you didn't. I didn't know it myself."

Gar looked around at all his friends. "What are you talking about? We were just goofing around and now things are serious. What happened?"

"Gar ..." started Kori but Rachel stopped her.

"It's me. I'm ..." Rachel looked away from the store window. "If things hadn't gone terribly wrong a few months ago, I would've given birth around this time."

"But I thought you were getting better," said Gar.

"I am getting better but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt by the loss of my baby."

"Were you, um, were you going to keep the small one?" asked Kori apprehensively. She seemed to sense that things were taking a bad turn.

"I still don't know but that shouldn't matter. I still miss him."

Kori put her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "Of course you do. Do let us not do the squabbling. I want us all to be friendly. Maybe we are hungry? Let us go get some nourishment."

Gar didn't seem to want to let things drop. "How were we supposed to know you're still upset by that? I mean, you don't talk about it, so I thought you were over it."

"Over it!" Rachel saw people near by looking at the group of teens. Rachel didn't care but she lowered her voice some. "I'm supposed to be 'over it'?

Gar sighed, "Like I said, you don't talk about it."

"I can't believe it. I don't talk about things and I'm supposed to be 'over it'? Back when we all became friends, I didn't talk about what Trigon put me through. I was far from okay and I definitely wasn't ' _over it_.'"

"Rae ..." started Vic. He wanted to stop their fight.

"Rachel," she corrected him. She was in no mood to be calmed down.

"Sorry. Rachel," continued Vic, "I don't think he meant to upset you."

"Vic's right, I'm sorry. I should've known not to say something like that to you. I didn't know it would set you off so much."

"Gar, I don't think ..." Richard started to warn his friend.

Rachel's eyes flickered with anger. Was that what Gar and the others thought? Just because she didn't talk about what happened to her, meant she was okay with everything? "You know, I don't talk about all the shit they put me through because I _want_ to get over it. I never wanted any of it to happen but it did. I am dealing with it. I'm not hurting myself like I used to. I talk to my therapist."

"Great, good, I'm glad you're getting help," said Gar. He was almost as upset as Rachel was. "I just don't get why you can't let us know how you're doing. Even now, after all this time, you won't let us in. Why are you always hiding?"

"Hiding?"

"That's right, even now you're hiding. You're hiding behind the things that happened to you."

"Whatever."

"Rachel, please do not be angry with our dear friend. I started this and I am very sorry. As I said, it was not my intention to upset you."

"Fine, I'm not upset."

"Rachel ..." began Richard.

"What? You guys don't want me to be upset, so I'm not."

"That's not what Kori meant," said Richard, "She was just trying to ..."

"What? You all made it clear you don't want me to be upset. I must not be because I haven't talked about everything. I didn't talk about the loss of my baby with you guys so I must 'over it'."

"That's not fair. We never said that."

"Gar did. I thought we already went through all of this. I'm a very private person. I don't like talking about personal things with just anybody."

"But Rachel, we are not just anybody, we are your friends. I am pleased you are speaking with your therapist but we would gladly help you if you wanted to talk with us."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Which is it? Do you want me to talk and get upset or be quite and be just fine? It can't be both ways."

Richard shook his head. "Listen, no one meant anything by what they said. Maybe we should do what Kori suggested? Let's get something to eat."

"So that's just it? Gar gets bent out of shape because I'm not telling you all _everything_ about my recovery. It feels like it's my fault. I didn't know I'd react like that when I saw the baby clothes. But it doesn't matter. If I just go along like nothing happened then it's all okay, right?"

"That's not what I said," said Richard. He was frustrated with his friends. He didn't know why they started this fight. "I never said anything was your fault. I'm sure no one meant for you to feel that way."

Rachel ran her hands through her hair. She glared at her friends. She couldn't believe she was hearing this. She knew she was doing better but the baby clothes surprised her. She's been trying not to think about the baby.

"I can't win," Rachel sounded dejected, "I keep messing things up. No matter what I do, I'm wrong."

"You are not wrong."

"I'm told that I shouldn't keep things locked away inside. I'm told that's dangerous for me, that it won't let me heal. The anger is like poison in me." Rachel frowned, "It's not easy but I try. I try to share what I'm thinking and feeling. When I do, I'm told I'm feeling the wrong things. What _are_ the right things to feel after what I've been through? What am I supposed to do? I'm not supposed to lock it all in but I'm not supposed to have negative emotions? Am I just supposed to pretend that all the things they did to me didn't hurt me, didn't effect me, didn't change me?"

"Rachel ..."

"Never mind. Guess I'm just tired. You guys do whatever you want, I'm going home." With that, Rachel turned around she left her friends standing there, staring at her.

"Rachel, please come back."

Rachel kept walking but she shook her head, indicating that she heard them. She knew she needed some time alone. She was afraid she'd say something she'd regret. She already regretted the fight they just had.

Vic cautiously jogged up to Rachel. He didn't want to startle her. "Um, Rachel, come on, let me give you a ride home." Rachel kept walking as she crossed her arms. Vic looked down at his friend. He thought she looked either angry or like she might cry. Maybe it was both?

Vic knew he could easily pick Rachel up and take her to his car. He also knew that would make things so much worse. If he had to, he'd walk with her to her house. He was hopeful when Rachel crossed the street, going towards his car.

"Fine," Rachel said, "take me home."

Once they got in the car, Vic said, "Rachel, I ..."

"You can call me Rae but please don't talk. I'm not in the mood. I do _not_ want to talk about it. And no, I'm not alright."

"Oh-kay," was all Vic said as he started the car. They rode the whole way in silence.

Getting out of the car, Rachel slammed the door shut. She was still hurt and angry. She thought her friends understood her. She also slammed shut the door to the house.

"Rachel? Is that you?" called out Marc from upstairs.

Rachel sighed "Yeah, it's me."

"You're home early," said Marc as he came down the stairs. Seeing his niece upset he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. My friends and I just ...had a disagreement."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

What was with everyone and _talking_? "No, I'm just going to go to bed."

"Okay, you know ..."

"Yeah, I know. I can always talk to you or Chelsea. 'Night."

"Good night."

In her room, Rachel felt terrible. She hated fighting with her friends. It didn't matter what Richard said, she felt as though this was all her fault. They were concerned for her and she snapped at them. Some friend she was. Why would they want … Rachel's phone rang interrupting her thoughts.

Checking the number she saw it was Gar. Rachel was almost afraid to answer it. What if he was still mad at her? What if they were all mad at her? Finally deciding to answer it, the phone stopped ringing. Great. She really messed up.

The phone rang again. It was Gar. That time, Rachel answered it. "Hello," She said almost shyly.

" _Rachel_?" Rachel thought Gar sounded a little uncertain.

"Yes."

 _"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."_

"I know. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have snapped at you guys. Are the others still mad at me?"

 _"No, no one's mad at you. We're all worried about you. I was afraid you'd be mad at me."_

"No, I'm just mad at myself."

" _Don't be. You were surprised by the baby things. I should've known not to push you. I don't know why I did. I'm sorry_." There was a long pause before Gar continued, " _Well, guess I should let you go. Good night._ "

"Thanks Gar. Good night." Rachel hung up the phone feeling better. Things seemed to be better. However, before falling asleep, Rachel made a promise to herself that she'd do a better job of keeping her emotions in line.

* * *

One Saturday afternoon, early in December, Rachel walked into the family room and stopped. There was a large, white, artificial pine tree in the room and several boxes surrounding the tree. Rachel was sure that the boxes were full of ornaments and decorations. She didn't know why she didn't hear them bring these things in. Maybe it was because she was trying to ignore the wintery holiday? Rachel always enjoyed Christmas but last year ...well, things changed for her.

Rachel stood in the doorway, staring at the scene before her. She gasped and jumped when Cody and Lottie ran into the room. "Hey, Rachel," said Lottie, "wanna help us decorate the tree?"

"Um, no, no, th-that's okay." Rachel slightly shook her head, trying to get rid of the bad memories. "This, it's a family thing. I don't want to impose. I just came down to get a book that I forgot."

"You wouldn't be imposing," said Chelsea as she came into the room. "You're family, remember." Marc followed his wife, he had more boxes.

As Rachel looked at her aunt, uncle and cousin, she wondered where her other cousin was. If Eli was there then they'd have the perfect family decorating the house. Rachel remembered that Eli was at work but that didn't mean they needed _her_ to help. She figured she'd mess up things even if she wanted to help.

The dark haired teen shook her head. "Yeah, I know, but I have school work," Rachel grabbed her missing book and hurried out of the room.

The three remaining in the room looked at each other, then at the doorway Rachel went out.

"Did I say something wrong?" asked Lottie. "I thought she might like to help."

"You didn't say anything wrong," said Lottie's mom. "We just have to remember that this time of year is a hard time for Rachel. Why don't you and Dad get started. We forgot a box, I'll get it."

Rachel sat on her bed, staring at the closed door. Of course, they were going to decorate for Christmas. Why wouldn't they? It's completely normal. It's what they've done for years. They shouldn't stop celebrating and decorating just because of her, just because she went through hell this time last year. She wiped away a single tear as others threatened to fall. She didn't _want_ to get upset over this. She didn't want to make them feel bad. _They_ didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't their fault she was so messed up.

Taking several deep breaths and let each one out slowly. She found out she had a family. Her mom was better and moving to Jump City. That was the good part of this. It would've been nice to have those things happen without having to suffer.

Rachel stiffened when someone knocked on her door. She halfway expected it. "Rachel?" It was Chelsea. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. Could I come in?"

Rachel quickly checked to make sure her eyes weren't too red. She didn't want it to look like she'd been crying, it didn't She grabbed the book she retrieved from the living room. She opened it just before Chelsea opened the door. "Sure, come in."

Chelsea entered the room. She had a clear plastic shoe box. It was full of ornaments - icicles. Rachel quickly looked away from the box. Icicles _were_ her favorite ornament.

"I just wanted to make sure you're alright."

"Yeah, I just have a lot of homework to do, that's all."

"I know you do, but you're okay, right? Lottie didn't mean to upset you."

"She didn't," Rachel chided herself for upsetting her younger cousin, "so tell her not to worry."

"Rachel, are you sure you're alright? When you saw the tree, for a moment, you looked terrified."

Rachel had a quick flashback of tearing down her own tree almost a year ago. She shook her head. "No, no, I, I was just surprised. I didn't expect a tree so soon. IF we ever did decorate, it was usually the week of Christmas. So don't worry about it." She gave her aunt a smile. "Really. It's okay."

"Sorry, we didn't mean to surprise you with the decorations. I thought you knew."

"That's okay."

"Did you want to help us? If there was there a certain thing you wanted to do, we could save that for you. You could do that when you have time."

Rachel had another quick flashback of smashing ornaments. "No, that's okay. There wasn't anything special. In fact some years, we didn't do anything. Sometimes, we never didn't put up a tree. So it's okay. Do whatever you want, don't worry about me." She held up her book. "I really need to get back to this, so if you don't mind?"

"Sure, I'll let you get back to your work. Remember, you can come to me or your uncle any time you need to."

"I know, thanks." Rachel pretended to read as Chelsea left.

Leaning against the wall next to Rachel's room, Chelsea sighed. She _did_ worry about the teen. They all did. She got an idea. She'd have to talk it over with her husband.

When Rachel went down for supper, the tree was completely decorated. The white tree had white lights and a variety of different colored ornaments. That was the only sign of Christmas in the house. There was still one box of ornaments, the icicles.

Rolling her eyes, she didn't know who would put them on but she knew it wouldn't be her who put them on the tree. She reminded herself that icicles were no longer her favorite ornament. She decided she didn't care about Christmas anymore.

Seeing there were boxes with decorations still packed away, Rachel sighed as she rolled her eyes again. They weren't going to do anymore decorating because of her? Great. Leave it to her to screw up a whole holiday

* * *

After a long day searching the mall for Christmas gifts, Rachel returned home exhausted. There was so many people and stores and _so_ much noise. She didn't know why they had to play so many different versions of the same Christmas songs. That annoyed her. How many versions of "White Christmas" and "Jingle Bells" were there?

Rachel eyed the unlit tree. She didn't care if it was dark out, she wasn't lighting it. She wanted nothing to do with that tree or any other. The truth was, she wanted nothing to do with the holiday season at all. She was only buying Christmas presents because she thought that everyone expected her to do that. If things were up to her, she'd sleep until the middle of January.

The dark haired teen was glad to have the house to herself tonight. Eli was at work but the others were at a Christmas party. Rachel was grateful they didn't ask her to go with them. Not that she expected them to, not after last weeks party.

Putting leftovers in the microwave; she sighed as she thought about that night. She didn't mean to react like that. She just didn't expect to be hit on at a Christmas party for Lottie's play. She knew she shouldn't have poured her glass of punch over his head but the guy wouldn't leave her alone.

The microwave dinged, taking Rachel away from her thoughts. While she ate, her thoughts drifted back to that night. She knew she created a scene. But if he would've just left her alone, she wouldn't have felt trapped. If he would've backed off, she wouldn't have done that. Rachel knew her aunt and uncle were angry and embarrassed. They must be disappointed. She knew she was.

The dark-haired teen hated that they fought when they got home. It was their first real fight. Maybe that meant they were comfortable enough with each other? Rachel liked the idea of everyone being comfortable but she hated fighting. What was wrong with her? First, she fought with her friends and now with the Madsens. She was trying to keep it together. She _needed_ to do better. She didn't want them changing their minds about her.

Glaring at the unlit tree in the other room, Rachel carefully fingered her newest injury. She remembered quickly using her house key on her arm that night they fought. It was healing but still tender. The skin puckered around the scabs. Her arm resembled seersucker fabric. She had to resist the urge to pick at the scabs. She didn't want it to scar too much.

She couldn't believe she did that. It'd been months since she'd done anything like that to herself. Why did she do it? She was with a good family and she was happy. She _shouldn't_ have such dark thoughts and feelings. What was wrong with her?

Rachel sighed again. Even though the tree was unlit, the kitchen lights reflected off the ornaments. The tree looked sad. Going to the living room, Rachel decided the least she could do was light the tree. While plugging it in, she noticed the box of icicles was still there. No one had put them up.

Putting her hand over her injury, Rachel had an idea. It might show the Madsens that she was trying. It also might be a step towards her own healing.

When Marc, Chelsea and Lottie came home, Rachel was in her room. They were pleased to see the tree lit. After Lottie went to bed, Marc and Chelsea noticed the icicles were on the tree. They smile knowing Rachel must have done that. They were happy she felt well enough to have some involvement with Christmas. They understood how hard this time year was for the teen. They hoped they could give Rachel good memories to replace the bad ones.

* * *

Slowly, Rachel began waking up. Realizing what day it was, she sighed. She wished she could sleep through Christmas day at least. She could sleep through the day and the Madsens would have their festive day. They didn't need _her_ to have a good Christmas.

Rachel buried herself under her blanket. Blocking out the day light, she hoped she could get back to sleep. She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her head further under her covers when she heard a knock on her door.

"Rachel? Rachel? Are you awake?" It was Lottie. Rachel hoped if she pretended to be asleep then her cousin would go away. Lottie knocked again. "Rachel? Are you awake?"

Rachel heard someone else come to her door. "Let's give Rachel a little time."

"But Mom," groaned Lottie, "it's Christmas morning. We _always_ open presents the _first_ thing Christmas _morning_."

"I know, but this year we'll do things a little different. Why don't you come help me make breakfast, okay?"

Rachel was relieved when she heard them go down the stairs. She rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She knew she shouldn't, but she'd been dreading this day. Everyone was going to be so jovial. Nothing horrible happened last Christmas day, except her father lied to her. He said that he'd be better. The truly horrible thing happened a few days later, at the end of the year.

Rachel gradually woke up. She didn't realize she'd fallen asleep again. Something smelled good. It smelled like blueberry muffins. She stretched and wondered how long she'd been asleep. Checking the clock on her nightstand, Rachel saw that it's only been about an hour. She wanted to stay in bed but her stomach was growling.

Groaning, Rachel threw back her covers and grabbed her robe. Before opening her door she took a deep breath. She really didn't want to go down there. When she opened her door she heard the laughter bubbling up the stairway.

Rachel took a deep breath before going down the stairs. She wasn't looking forward to this day. She sighed. They were so happy and she wasn't. She was sure she'd ruin things for them.

Upon hearing Rachel's foot steps on the stairs, Lottie said, "She's coming. Rachel's coming." Rachel took another deep breath before she continued. Everyone anxiously looked up at her when she entered the family room.

All the Christmas lights and candles were lit. Everything sparkled, shimmered and glowed. Christmas carols played softly in the background. Everything was so perfect.

Excited, Cody ran circles around Rachel. "Merry Christmas!" said the Madsens in unison

Taking in everything, tears stung Rachel's eyes. Chelsea was over with Rachel in an instant. As Chelsea guided Rachel to the table, Rachel noticed her cousins exchanging a confused expression. Marc shushed them before they could say anything. Even Cody sensed the change in mood. He sat in front of Rachel.

"I'm sorry," said Rachel as she wiped away her tears. "I didn't mean to react like that. Guess I'm just overwhelmed by all of this." She was embarrassed but she continued. "I'd always wanted a Christmas like this. I vaguely remember Mom doing something like this when I was very little. But Dad," Rachel closed her eyes for a moment, "he never really liked it. After Mom was gone, we didn't do much, except last year. That's when ...everything fell apart. I-I'm sorry."

"Shhh, you have nothing to be sorry about," said Chelsea as she hugged the teen. "I can't imagine what you went through. I know it's must have been very hard so don't apologize. Come on, why don't we eat first."

* * *

Having breakfast helped some. In the living room, the gifts were handed out. Cody barked when the doorbell rang. Eli was the closest so he answered the door. "Rachel, your friends are here to see you."

Seeing that they were about to open gifts, Richard said, "Sorry to interrupt you. We thought you'd be done by now. We can come back later."

"No, it's okay." said Chelsea, "Please stay."

Everyone looked at Gar who was holding a large gift bag. They all wondered what it could be and where did they find a gift bag so big. Gar went over to Rachel. He handed her the bag. "This is from all of us. Merry Christmas!''

Rachel was surprised. By the weight of the present, she had an idea of what it was. If she was right, then she was afraid that her gifts were inadequate.

"I, um, I got you guys something too. They're in the gift bags off to the side by the tree."

Lottie jumped up. "I'll get them."

After the four teens had their gifts, Marc said, "Rachel, why don't you go first. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's curious to see what you got."

Digging through tons of tissue paper, Rachel's suspicions were confirmed. Completely shocked by her gift, Rachel pulled out a guitar.

"This is too much."

"Do you like it?" asked Kori.

"Yes, but it's too much."

Kori wildly clapped, not hearing her friend's protest. "Is it not wonderful? It was Gar's idea."

Rachel looked at Gar, she was amazed. It looked like his guitar. He wouldn't … "Gar, you shouldn't have."

"It's nothing, really. I remembered how much you liked playing my guitar. We found a nice one at a good price online. We all chipped in, so ..."

"Thank you." Rachel strummed the strings. It sounded good.

"It's a used guitar so I put new strings on it and tuned it for you. It should be a while before it needs anymore done to it."

Kori was the first one to open her gift. "A personalized mug. Thank you, dear friend. It is extraordinary. I love it" The guys also got mugs with their own initials on it. Each mug has a reverse silhouette of their first initial. The initial was outlined and surrounded by different shapes and doodles. Upon a closer look, Some of those doodles were that letter in different scripts.

"I know it's not much but ..."

"No, it's cool," said Vic as he studied his mug. "Where'd you get it? I think my Grandma would like one."

"I, uh, I made them."

"What? You made these?"

"I didn't _make_ make them. I bought plan mugs and I painted them with special paint pens. After they dried, I baked them for awhile. That makes the paint part of the mug so it won't flake off."

"Cool! I always knew you were so creative," said Gar holding his light green mug with Gs on it. "Years from now, when you're giving your acceptance speech when you get your Grammy; will you give me credit for starting your musical career?"

"I can only give you credit for being weird."

Vic nudged his friend's side. "She's right about that."

"We should probably go and let you get back to your Christmas morning," said Richard.

"If you'd like, you can stay," said Chelsea. "We're pretty relaxed around here. Have some hot chocolate. There's still some baked blueberry French toast in the kitchen. It's probably still warm so help yourself."

Rachel's friends went into the kitchen. They stayed in there while the Madsens and Rachel opened their gifts. There was an assortment of the usual types of gifts: clothes, books, games, movies, tools and jewelry. Lottie got a new comforter. Rachel made each one a mug much like the ones she made for her friends. The Madsen's were each white where as Kori had light purple, Vic had a blueish grey one, Richard's was red and Gar had a lime green mug.

There was one more gift; it was for Rachel. Marc went to get it and brought her friends back with him. From the kitchen, Marc called out, "Rachel, close your eyes." Rachel looked curiously at her aunt but did what he asked her to do.

"Are they shut?"

Lottie waved her hands in front of Rachel's face. The older teen didn't react. She couldn't see them. "Yeah, they're closed. You can come back," The girl called out to her dad.

"Keep them closed until I tell you to open them."

"Okay." Rachel wondered why they were being so mysterious. To her it seemed like a long time, hours. In reality, it was only been a couple of minutes. She could sense someone standing in front of her. She could feel her face getting red. She was self-conscious of being the center of attention.

"Okay. Open your eyes."

Opening her eyes, it took Rachel a second to focus on what was in front of her. Taking in what she saw, tears formed. Could that be real?

* * *

 **Please review**.


	49. Chapter 49: Still Breathing

**Thank you reading. Hope everyone has a good holiday and happy new year.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, Green Day or these lyrics.**

 **Chapter 49: Still Breathing**

* * *

 **" _As I … / … away, away_ " -Still Breathing, Green Day**

* * *

Reading the paper her uncle held, Rachel blinked several times. She looked up at him then back to the paper. She repeated this with her aunt and both of her cousins. Her mind was whirling. She couldn't find any words.

When she finally did, it's only the beginning of different questions she couldn't finish. "What …? How …? When …?" Eventually, she could speak, "Is this real?"

"Yes, it's real," said Marc, smiling.

The Madsens said in unison "We're adopting you!" Cody barked with excitement as Rachel's friends cheered. Smiling, each of the Madsens hugged Rachel. She couldn't stop smiling herself.

She laughed out loud when Lottie gave her a bear hug. "I've always wanted a sister," added the younger girl.

Rachel couldn't believe this was happening. Catching her breath, she asked, ''This is really happening? You're adopting me? But how? How can you do that? What about Mom? I don't want her thinking I abandoned her."

"Don't worry, Angela knows about this. Once we knew we could do this, we asked her to see if she was all right with it. She was a little worried at first. She didn't want to lose you but she wanted you safe and cared for. So she temporarily signed away her parental rights."

Rachel's eyes widen again hearing that. She felt her heart beating faster. Did that mean her mother was giving up on her? Did that mean she was still mad about the move to Jump City? Rachel knew she was almost seventeen but she still needed her mother. "Mom signed away her parental rights to me?" That's all she could think about. She was afraid of losing her mother more than she already had. "Doesn't she want me? Does this mean she's not my mother anymore? I'll never see her again?"

"Oh no, of course not, it's nothing like that," said Marc trying to soothe Rachel's concerns. "My sister temporarily signed away her parental rights. Angela is still your mother and always will be. She's only doing this so you can be safe. Some time in the future, her rights will be reinstated."

"And what about Trigon? Did he temporarily sign over his rights?" Rachel was almost afraid to ask about that. After all the trouble he'd caused, she was certain he'd put up a fight.

"No."

"He didn't?" Rachel was disappointed but tried not to show it She couldn't image her father letting her go so easily.

"No, he fully signed away his parental rights. According to the courts, Trigon is no longer your father."

Rachel's surprised by that. She never thought she'd be free of her father. She's relieved.

"So, what do I call you two? If you're now my parents, I can't keep calling you Aunt Chelsea and Uncle Marc, can I?"

"No, I guess not. That would be a little strange."

"Do I call you Mom and Dad?" Rachel didn't know how she felt about that. To her it seemed too weird. That might had been all right if they weren't already related; if they'd been strangers.

Chelsea took Rachel's hand. She seemed to sense Rachel's uncertainty. "You already have a mom and that's Angela. I'm not trying to take her place and I'm not going to. We're just here to help you. We want to help you and Angela get back together." Chelsea wiped away a tear. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to get so emotional."

Marc hugged his wife. He teases her, "You know how she is when it comes to happy endings of movies." Rachel smiled and nodded. She didn't trust her voice right now. She felt a little emotional herself. Marc continues, "Why don't you just call us Marc and Chelsea? That's who we are. Next week we have to court to finalize things but that's just a formality. We thought today would be a good day to tell you."

"It's the best gift ever." Rachel leaned over and hugged her new "parents". "Thank you. I promise I will do everything I can to make you proud of me."

"We're are already proud of you. We want you not to worry and to be happy." Rachel nodded. "Now go see your friends "

Rachel went to the kitchen to join her friends. To give the family some privacy, they went to the kitchen soon after they heard the news.

"Wow! What a surprise," said Vic upon seeing Rachel.

"Yeah, I know." Rachel ran her fingers through her hair. "I never would've guessed that they'd do that. I was getting worried that they might be tired of me."

Giving her friend a hug, Kori said, "You worry entirely too much. You over think things too much. You should not do that."

"Yeah, Kori's right. Overthinking will just cause you more trouble. That's why I don't do it."

"It does help to think some times," joked Vic.

Gar makes a face at Vic. "Ha, ha, you know what I mean. I do think. How else did we come up with the idea for Rachel's gift? So, do ya like it?"

"Yes, yes I do. It's the second best gift I received today. I can't believe this is happening. I don't think I've smiled so much. If I keep this up, I'm sure my cheeks will hurt at the end of the day."

"I'm glad and excited for you," said Richard as he leaned against the counter. "It looks like your adoption is going smoother than mine."

Rachel's smile faded as her brow furrowed slightly. "You had a hard time with your adoption?" Richard rarely talked about his past. She didn't know what he went through. Now, Rachel wondered if she'd have similar problems.

Sensing the change in Rachel's mood, he quickly explained, "I was just a little kid. I was scared and confused." Kori leaned against him as she laced her fingers with his. "I didn't know Bruce and I lashed out at him. Now I see he was just trying to help me."

"Sooo," said Gar after the group was quiet for a moment. "Are you still Rachel Roth or are you gonna be Rachel Madsen?"

"I don't know. I never thought about that."

"I kept my last name. But I think it was so I could keep something connecting me to my parents. Besides, Richard Wayne doesn't sound right, does it?"

They all tried that name in their minds. They all decided those two names sounded weird together.

"You're could hyphenate it," suggested Gar. "You would be Rachel Roth-Madsen. And then when you get married, you could hyphenate it again. You'd be Rachel … wait, what's your middle name?"

Rachel crossed her arms. "I'm not telling you."

"Aww, please. This way you could have one of the longest names."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "Fine, it's Tara."

"Cool, thanks. You'd be Rachel Tara Roth-Madsen-Smith. See? One of the longest names around."

"If you married someone with a long last name, your name would be even longer."

"I don't have to worry about that. I'm not getting married."

"What? Why not?"

"Kori, I'm only sixteen. I have a long time before I have to be concerned about that."

* * *

A few days after Christmas, all of the Madsens and Rachel went to the courthouse. It was simply to finalize the adoption. By lunchtime, Rachel, now Rachel Madsen was officially adopted. She decided to take her mother's maiden name. She felt as if she's a little closer to her mother. Moreover, she had no connection to Trigon.

Though out the day, the dark-haired teen couldn't stop smiling. She couldn't remember a time when she'd had a reason to feel so optimistic.

This new optimism was exciting yet a little overwhelming. Since she was so happy, a part of her expected something bad to happen. That's the way it's been in the past but maybe things were different now. It might take awhile for Rachel and everyone else to get used to her being uplifted.

That night, when Rachel was getting ready for bed, she thought about her life. A lot had changed for her. Saying the past couple of years hadn't been easy was an understatement.

Rachel gingerly touched the scar on her abdomen. She smiled sadly. Her little one would've been about three months old if everything had gone right. Even though she probably would have given him up for adoption, it still hurt that he was gone.

Then again, if things hadn't gone horribly wrong, she never would have been pregnant. Rachel's stomach flipped as she realized that her own personal tragedy happened almost a year ago. In a few days it would be the anniversary of that awful night.

Gradually, Rachel has locking away those horrible memories. They were still there but she was learning how to safely keep them restrained. It was upsetting when one surfaced but it didn't happen as much anymore.

Going to bed, flashbacks were creeping into her mind. At first she wasn't even aware of it. They were like smoke seeping under the door.

With those memories came nightmares. Tossing and turning, plagued by a nightmare, Rachel got tangled in her bedding. Even asleep, fear consumed her. She bolted up, jolted awake.

In a cold sweat, Rachel gasped for air. She didn't know if she cried out. Trying to catch her breath, she listened. It was quiet, no one was coming.

Clutching her blanket to her chest, Rachel let out a relieved sigh as she dropped back to bed. She knew they knew about her nightmares but they didn't know about every one of them. She didn't want them to know how frequently she had troubling dreams. Not every dream was a nightmare but most weren't exactly pleasant.

Curling up, Rachel told herself to calm down. It was only a dream and no one was going to hurt her. She was safe and part of a loving family. It took some time but eventually she fell back to sleep.

In the morning, Rachel felt as if everything was going wrong. So many things annoyed her. It ranged from the radio playing her least favorite songs to forgetting her money at home when she went out with Kori.

Irritated, Rachel snapped at her friends and lashed out at her family. Everything they did was annoying. Whether they were or not, Rachel felt as though they were hovering.

After being out with her friends, Rachel decided to work on her homework at the kitchen table. Cody chased the cat, Sasha, onto Rachel's lap. She spilled her glass of water on her books and papers. Rachel yelled at the cat and dog. When Lottie came into the kitchen, Rachel yelled at her, "Why can't you keep these stupid animals under control?"

Marc and Chelsea came to see what's going on. "What happened?"

"I'm sorry, Rachel," said Lottie.

"They ran in here and jumped on me. I spilled my water on my paper." Rachel's face was red with anger. "I've worked on it all winter break and now it's ruined."

"It was just water? Here, let me see them."

"I don't have time to start over."

Marc took the dripping papers over to the sink. "I'm sure they'll be okay. They just need to dry."

"I have worked all winter break on this," repeated Rachel. She was obviously upset. Tears filled her eyes, threatening to fall. "It's a big portion of my grade."

"I'm sorry, Rachel, we were just playing and I didn't think …"

"Maybe you should've thought something like this could've happened. Maybe you shouldn't play like that inside. Why'd you have to ruin my stuff just so you could have your stupid fun?"

"Rachel!"

"I'm sorry," whimpered Lottie. "I, I didn't mean to …"

"Yeah, right," growled Rachel.

"Enough, Rachel. Lottie said she was sorry."

"But …"

"Marc's seeing to it. I don't think there's any permanent damage done to your paper."

Rachel felt like they didn't understand. "Fine!" She glared them before she ran up the stairs. In the kitchen, they heard Rachel's door slam.

"Mom, Dad, I'm sorry," said a tearful Lottie, "I didn't mean for that to happen. I didn't mean to make Rachel mad."

Chelsea hugged her daughter as she looked over to her husband. "I know sweetie. Try not to worry about it. She's not really mad at you. She's upset about something else. Maybe she's frustrated about her paper? Why don't you go outside and play with Cody?"

Lottie wiped her eyes as she grabbed her coat. As she went out the door, her mother repeated, "Try not to worry about it. I'll talk to her, later when she's calmed down."

In her room, Rachel sat on her bed. She was angry about everything but mostly with herself. She knew what happened wasn't Lottie's fault. Even if it was, she shouldn't have yelled at her like that.

It was nobody's fault for her foul mood. At least, it wasn't anybody who was currently in her life. Rachel was angry about how Trigon and Slade hurt her.

Rachel knew she should go apologize to Lottie for her outburst. She was so furious right now, she was afraid she'd make things worse. Her insecurities made her worry that they'd change their minds about the adoption. After all, they didn't know she had such a bad temper.

She decided to stay in her room. That was something she was used to. Not having much rest the night before, Rachel soon fell asleep.

When Rachel woke up, she felt a pit in her stomach. She hated that she argued yesterday but today was the day she's been dreading. Today was the anniversary of her personal tragedy.

As she got dressed, she tried to do what Dr. Patterson said, not to dwell on it. She needed to focus on her new life, on being happy.

Rachel wanted to do that but couldn't help thinking of all the things she did wrong. Her mind kept wondering to the what-ifs and the if-only.

Nobody, not Rachel's friends or family knew what day that unspeakable event happened. She didn't speak about it much. They only know it happened after Christmas, around New Year's day.

Marc and Chelsea noticed Rachel was more quiet than usual, even for her. Since learning about the adoption, she has been almost chatty. Now, Rachel wasn't only very quiet but distracted.

They wondered what was going on. Her outbursts were uncharacteristic for her. When Rachel accidentally squeezed ketchup onto her salad, they knew something was wrong.

That afternoon, Rachel was trying to help Chelsea with the laundry. Chelsea tried several different subjects but Rachel remained quiet. She was distant, lost in her thoughts.

After Rachel folded a shirt for fifth time, Chelsea stopped her. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

"What? Oh, nothing's wrong."

"Are you still upset about yesterday with Lottie and the pets? You apologized for that and she understands."

"No, no its not that but I am sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at her like that."

"Then what is it? You seem worried about something. Is it school? Are you worried about your paper?"

"No, I'm excited to get back to school. And my paper is alright. Marc was right, it just needed to dry out. Again, I'm sorry, I overreacted."

"Then what's bothering you? You know you can always talk to me or Marc." Rachel nodded but averted her eyes. She tried to fold the same shirt for the sixth time.

Chelsea tried to think of what would've upset or worried Rachel. The older woman's heart sunk when she thought she'd discovered the reason for Rachel's mood. Chelsea again stopped Rachel from folding the shirt for the seventh time. "Rachel, did it happen last year? We're you raped a year ago today?"

Rachel dropped the shirt as if it was suddenly on fire. She nodded slightly and said softly, "Yes. A year ago today, a little after midnight, I…" She let the sentence trail off. She couldn't finish it.

Chelsea wanted to hug her, to show her support. At the same time, she didn't want to upset the teen. She didn't know how much or what Rachel was reliving in her mind. "Would it be alright if I give you a hug?"

Rachel was hesitant. She wasn't a huggy person but maybe she needed to be more open. Rachel nodded slightly. Chelsea carefully hugged the dark-haired teen. "I am so sorry that happened to you."

Rachel nodded as she struggled to keep her tears in check. She did not want to cry. She wanted to be strong; stronger than she was a year ago.

With tears in her eyes, Chelsea asked, "Do you want or need to see Dr. Patterson?"

Shaking her head, Rachel said, "No, I think I'm okay. We talked about this day at my last session."

"Did you want to do something? We could go see a movie? Anything you want to do to take your mind off of this."

Rachel shook her head again. "Thanks, but no. Dr. Patterson said I could think about it but I needed to focus on something positive."

"What did you want to do?"

Rachel thought about it for a moment. "I think I'll go for a run. I know I'm not very athletic but I've run a few times. I felt better after a run. I don't know why but I think I want to try it today."

"Sure, I understand. Why don't you go on that run now. I'll finish this."

"Are you sure? Thanks. I don't think I'll be too long."

"Don't worry about it but take your phone. That way you can call if you need a ride home."

"Thanks, Chelsea." Rachel gave her a hug.

When Rachel returned home she did feel better. She wasn't happy but she wasn't so irritated. She felt more peaceful. She'd survived the worst parts of her life. She had no idea what the future held but she had friends and family to help her through anything.

* * *

Rachel, Eli and Lottie leisurely walked through the mall one Saturday. They had all afternoon. They were on their way to another store when someone stopped them.

"Rachel?" asked a man.

Rachel stopped. She thought he looked familiar but she wasn't sure. She felt as though she should know him but his white hair and scraggly beard threw her off. She took a moment to study the older man. Her eyes widened when she realized who this man was.

"Dad?" Trigon nodded. Rachel was shocked that she had trouble recognizing her own father. She hasn't heard or seen anything from him since that night he barged into the Madsen's house.

"Do you still like tea?" Rachel slightly nodded. "Um, did you want to get something with me?" He seemed apprehensive. That wasn't normal for him. "I'd like to talk with you."

Without looking, Rachel knew that Eli was defensive. Rachel, herself felt guarded and unsure about seeing her father again. She didn't know what to do. A part of her wanted nothing to do with the man who caused her so much anguish for so long. However, she was curious. What did he have to say? Would he apologize or make some excuse?

"You know you don't have to," said Eli. His voice was calm but she knew he was upset. He stood beside her but in front of Lottie. "We can just go on our way and forget about him."

With her mind made up, Rachel turned to leave. Her friends entered her mind. Most of them lost one or both of their parents suddenly. They never got the chance to have their final discussion. They would probably jump at the chance to have a last conversation.

Rachel had that chance. She could have her say. She could hear what he had to say before they went their separate ways. After today, she would never see him again.

"It's okay, we'll be right over there. I don't think it'll be too long."

"But …" Eli wanted nothing to do with the man who'd hurt his cousin and his father.

"Let's give them a moment," interrupted Lottie. She seemed to sense and understand what Rachel was doing. "He'd be stupid to try anything here, with all these people around."

Eli sighed, "Okay, fine, we'll wait right here if you need us."

"Thanks." Rachel turned to her father, "Okay, I have some time."

With her elbows propped on the table, Rachel held the cup of steaming tea with both hands. She was posed to take a sip of the soothing liquid whenever she wanted or needed to. The steam rose in front of her. She realized they both knew she was using the steam as a screen but she didn't care. It gave her a chance to study her estranged father.

Looking at the man sitting across from her, she thought he looked nothing like the man she knew when she was growing up. Right now his red hair wasn't just white at his temples, like it had been for the past few years, but white all over. There wasn't even a hint of the original color. His hair was getting long. It looked as though he hasn't had a haircut in months. His shaggy beard was another thing that was different about her father.

Thinking back to when she was growing up, Rachel always saw her father as well-groomed and clean-shaven. No matter what was going on, Trigon made sure he looked perfect. Even when he was going through his drunken tirades, he made a point to keep up appearances.

Rachel didn't know what's changed in him. Was it more than just his appearance that's changed? Did getting arrested do what she'd tried but couldn't do? Did that make him …

"You look good. Uh, you're probably wondering why I wanted to talk with you?"

"Yes," Rachel admitted, still holding her cup of tea as a barrier.

"I just wanted to see how you're doing. Are you happy? With the Madsens, I mean. Are you happy with them?"

"Yes, they're good to me. They listen to me and give me my space when I need it. But I know they're there for me." Rachel thought she saw him wince at the last comment. She wondered if he felt guilty for how he treated her.

"Good, you deserve it. I'm sorry I wasn't the kind of father you should've had. I, I didn't want to hurt you or your mother. I guess it was just part of my nature to be so controlling." Trigon shook his head. "I'm sorry. I see now that I never should have married Angela. There are some people who shouldn't marry or have children."

Rachel was completely surprised by what she heard. For some long, she thought he was just mean to be mean. Maybe there was something wrong with him. That didn't excuse any of it and the pain she felt was real. But knowing that he had regrets helped some.

'For so long, I thought he was just mean to be mean. Maybe he has something wrong with him. That doesn't excuse any of it and the pain I felt was real. But knowing that he has regrets helps some.'

Her silence seemed to make him uncomfortable. "Um, Rachel…?"

Rachel was certain her father didn't expect what she said next. "Maybe you're right." Trigon did look surprised. "I've wondered about that myself. Maybe it would be better if I never marry or have kids. I'd hate to pass anything bad onto someone." She shrugged, "Guess it doesn't really matter anyway. Right now, I can't image getting close enough to anyone to let that happen."

"What do you mean? I think you'd be a good mother, I mean, in a few years. You certainly know what not to do."

"After what happened, after what Slade …did to me …" Rachel averted her eyes away from Trigon's. "I'm too messed up to let anyone close to me. I do have a friend who wants more than friendship but I can't do that. I can't image myself with anyone. So, like I said, guess it doesn't matter anyway."

They were quite for a moment. Both were lost in their own thoughts.

"It's not the black guy who wants to date you, is it?"

"No," annoyed, she shook her head, "it's not Vic, but it wouldn't matter if it was him. But we don't see each other like that. Vic is more like a big brother to me. He won't let anyone hurt me, not anymore."

Trigon nodded. He understood what she was saying. "Good. That's the way I should've been for you. I should've been protective instead of destructive. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for all of that to happen to you. I didn't want you to get hurt that much."

Rachel set down her cup. She looked at him with a mixture of disgust and confusion. "You wanted to hurt me but you didn't want Slade to hurt me? You sent him to our house."

Trigon looked away from his daughter's glare. "I know and I was wrong."

Shaking her head again, Rachel said, "You know, I've always wondered about that night. Why did you hate me so much? What did I ever do that you'd have Slade do that to me?" Angry tears stung her eyes. "The only way it could've been worse was if you had done that to me. Instead, you just walked away."

"I, I didn't know he would do that. I only told him to scare you."

"Well, he did that and more. He shattered my soul. What do you mean, you didn't know Slade would do that? You had to know what he was capable of doing. You warned me to stay away from him. I wanted nothing to do with him but you shoved us together twice. First, the night he had to rescue me when you beat me, then that horrible night.

"Like I said, I often wondered why you hated me so much. You made me think Mom hated me. I ended up hating myself. I thought I had ruined Mom's life. I was so messed up that I thought everyone would be better without me."

"That's not true. You've done nothing wrong. I have."

"I know that, now. I have a good therapist who is helping me. He's helping me see that my future shouldn't be defined by my past." Rachel paused as she stirred her cold tea.

"You know, I never thought I'd see you again. I didn't really want to. But if I ever did, I've thought about what I'd say to you. I thought I'd tell you how much I hate you and list everything you did wrong."

Trigon was quiet and serious as he listened to the daughter he'd alienated. "But, I'm not going to do that," said Rachel, who was obviously upset.

Trigon was surprised and confused. "Rachel, I …"

"No." Shaking her head; she had more to say. "There's still plenty of blame to lay on you but you know what those things are. I don't need to tell you.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm still very angry with you. I'm angry about what you put me and Mom through." Rachel self-consciously wiped away a tear threatening to fall. She hated showing emotions around him. She understood he thought it showed how weak she was.

Rachel sat up straighter in her seat as she came to a realization. She wouldn't have survived this long if she was as weak as he thought she was. It has been hard and painful but she's survived everything he's thrown at her. Rachel looked at him. "I will never forget what you've done. Someday, I might forgive you, but that's only for my own healing. I need to get rid of the hate and pain. I need to heal, I need to move on."

Trigon remained silent. It appeared their conversation was over. Rachel sighed as she got up. She stopped when he spoke, "I hope you do find peace."

"I hope you do, too. I hope you get the help you need. And … thank you."

"For what?"

"Thank you for giving me my freedom and letting the Madsens adopt me." Trigon simply nodded. "Good-bye."

"Good-bye," repeated Trigon as he watched Rachel walk away.

Rachel met up with Eli and Lottie. Eli was curious about what happened with Rachel and Trigon. He wanted to ask but her expression told him it wasn't a good idea. Thinking about it, it was probably better not to say anything around his little sister.

When Lottie was looking at something, Eli asked Rachel, "What happened? What did he say?"

"He said he was sorry. Sorry for everything he did. He's never said that and meant it." Rachel realized that they never said a word about Laura. She'd heard that her step-mother married her father as some sort of revenge. Maybe Trigon and Laura were done. Rachel didn't care one wathat or another. She was glad and relieved their toxicity was out of her life.

"You believe him? Couldn't he just be telling you what you want to hear?"

"I thought so at first but he was sincere. He truly was sorry."

"You're not gonna forgive him, are you?" A thought entered his mind. "You're not going back to him, are you?"

"No, I will never go back to him. I won't put myself through the anxiety or the fear of wondering when he'll snap. And I don't forgive him right now but …"

"You're gonna forgive him for all the abuse he did to you?"

"Some day, I might, but it's for me not for him."

Marc and Chelsea were upset when they learn about Rachel seeing Trigon. They were worried Trigon was up to something. Did he want Rachel back? Would he break up their family? They calmed down when Rachel convinced them no matter what Trigon wanted, she wasn't going back to him. She repeated that she'd forgive him but that was only for her own healing.

* * *

Rachel's seventeenth birthday did include the car Vic worked on in the garage. Even though she had her suspicions, she was still surprised.

Rachel's birthday party was simple. It was just immediate family and friends. It was the kind of party Rachel had longed for years ago.

Hearing the doorbell, Rachel was surprised. The party had been over for about a half an hour. The doorbell rang again. No one was answering it.

After it rang a third time, Rachel wondered why nobody was answering the door. Fine, she'd get it.

Opening the door, Rachel couldn't believe her eyes.

"Jinni?"

"Yeah, it's me. Happy birthday!"

"But you moved to the east coast. What are you doing here?"

"It's your birthday. I couldn't miss that, could I? Are you gonna let me in or are you gonna just stand there staring at me?"

Seeing each other after almost a year ago and half had passed, the girls hugged each other. They stayed up all night, catching up. There were times when they laughed until they cried. Other times, they cried until they laughed.

Marc and Chelsea were pleased to see Rachel so open with her emotions. She'd come a long way but the teen with platinum and hot pink hair did more in one night then they had done in a month.

Everyone, including Rachel, couldn't help wondering if she hadn't been so isolated, would such horrible things have happened to her? That was all in the past. Rachel was now surrounded by friends and family who loved and cared for her. Now she had a chance to be happy. For the first time in a long time, Rachel was looking forward to the future.

* * *

After all the excitement of the holidays and Rachel's birthday, things settled back to normal. The only fighting there was, was the typical, simple squabbles between siblings. That now included Rachel. Some might have considered things boring. However, Rachel would take boring with a loving family over excitement sprinkled with anxiety anytime.

While Rachel helped Eli and Lottie clear off the table after dinner, the phone rang. Lottie raced to the phone. She wanted to beat her brother to it. Eli also went for the phone but since Lottie was closer, she answered it.

Lottie listened to the person on the other end. She wore a confused expression. Covering the mouthpiece, Lottie whispered, "Rachel, it's for you. It's a guy. It sounds like he has a funny accent. Maybe it's a British accent?"

Rachel was confused. It sounded as if it could be Malcolm but why would he be calling her? Taking the phone from Lottie, Rachel said uncertainty, "Hello?"

As Rachel listened, her dark eyes grew large. "What!"

Everyone stopped what he or she was doing when they heard the alarm in Rachel's voice. The Madsens looked at her with concern. Something must be wrong.

"How bad is it?" Something was wrong.

"My dad's alright, right?" There's a pause while she listened. "You haven't seen him but you don't know if he's home? Yeah, no, that's okay. Thanks for letting me know. I'll probably be over soon."

"Who was that?" "What happened?" asked Marc and Chelsea at the same time. They both wondered what Trigon was up to now.

Rachel was slow to speak. She was trying to process what she'd just heard. "That was Malcolm Drake. He was my neighbor when I lived with Dad. Malcolm called to tell me my old house is on fire."

The others expressed their surprise.

"Oh my," Chelsea said as she went over to Rachel, "how bad is it?"

"Malcolm said it looked pretty bad. There are a couple of fire trucks there working on it."

"What about Trigon? You asked about him. Is he alright?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders as she shook her head. "I don't know. He didn't know. He didn't know if Dad was home or not. He didn't know if Dad is safe or …" Rachel didn't finish her sentence but they all knew what she didn't say. Trigon might be trapped in the burning house.

* * *

 **Please review. I need to know what you think.**


	50. Chapter 50: I Am the Fire

**Thank you for reading. This story is nearing the end. I have mixed feelings about that.**

* * *

 **Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans, Halestorm or these lyrics.**

 **Chapter _50_ : I Am The Fire**

* * *

 **"I don't believe …grace / Won't let …fate / Leave forgiveness …/ Take …I've embraced" – I Am The Fire, Halestorm**

* * *

Rachel has no idea what to do. Her old house is on fire and her father could be in there. What should she do? Maybe she should go over there. "I, um, I guess I need to go over there," said Rachel as she walked across the kitchen to where they kept the keys.

Chelsea and Marc looked at one another. Would she be too worried to drive herself? "I'll drive," he said.

"That's okay," said Rachel as she looked where her keys should be, "I just need to find my keys."

"You're holding them. You just grabbed them." Rachel looked down at her hand. She was holding her keys. What was wrong with her? Why didn't she know that she'd grabbed them? Chelsea answered her thoughts as though she'd read her mind, "You're in shock and upset. Let Marc drive you."

Rachel nodded but she wished this wasn't real, that she was having a nightmare. If it was a nightmare, she wanted to wake up soon.

The car ride over to Rachel's old house was quiet. Marc knew that she was worried. He'd noticed she bit her lips when she was worried. She did that now, as well as tap her fingers nervously on her lap. Marc wondered how much more she'd have to go through.

Nearing Rachel's old house, they noticed the scent of smoke. Even though the windows were up, they noticed the closer they got, the stronger the smell.

A few blocks from the house, the street leading to that block was barricaded. The cars in front were being turned away. As their car neared, Marc considered turning around and trying another way. However, he was sure all the entryways to the section were blocked off. He didn't want to take too much time.

Approaching the barricade, Marc put down the window. The smell of smoke filled the car.

"I'm sorry, sir," said a police officer, "you'll have to turn around. There's a fire a few blocks away and I can't let you get it closer."

"Please, officer, my …niece," they still hadn't figured out the niece/daughter thing. Marc indicated to Rachel. "It's her house it's on fire."

Officer peaked into the car, seeing Rachel. He noticed she looked worried, scared and nervous. "Do you have an ID? I need to know you live there."

Rachel's face became overcome with worry. "I forgot it."

"A friend, her neighbor, called to let her know her house was on fire," Marc informed him.

"Please, officer, let us through. I don't know if my dad was home or not. I don't know if he's safe."

While the police officer considered if he should let them though, Marc noticed that Rachel called Trigon "dad" again. She must be really worried. He'd only known Rachel about a year, but she'd always referred to her father as Trigon.

"All right," Said the police officer, "park on a side street and you can walk over. Go only a far as you're allowed. Don't cross any barricades. I'll let the others know you're on the way."

Marc parked the car as soon as he could. When they got out of the car, the smell of smoke assaulted their noses. Rachel's nose, eyes and throat almost instantly felt like they were burning. It smelled like a match being put out. Only instead of one, it was a thousand matches put out, all at the same time.

Marc and Rachel followed other people, neighbors, gawkers, as they cut through yards and side streets to get to her old house. They saw the smoke filling the early evening sky. Even a few blocks away, they could see the eerie glow the flames created. Those things were making what Malcolm said too real. Rachel knew he'd said her old house was on fire, but she never imagined it would be that bad.

Before they got to Lyndhurst Drive they heard the crackle of the fire and the shouted orders of the firemen. Between houses, they caught glimpses of the fire. The smoke was almost overwhelming and they were still a block away.

They could get to Lyndhurst Drive but they had to stay at the end of the block. It was too dangerous for them to get any closer. A crowd had already formed in the front yard of the corner house by the time they got there. Marc and Rachel pushed their way towards the front.

Wide-eyed, Rachel almost wished they hadn't come. From the windows, smoke billowed and flames reached for the sky. The firefighters were doing the best they could but it seemed that as soon as they got one area under control, another area would flare up.

Even from where they stood, the heat was almost too much. No one could imagine being one of the firefighters. But at the same time, they were all grateful for them.

Marc put his arm around Rachel. She barely noticed him. Like her house, the fire consumed her. As it died down, it then grew again. The fire demanded everyone attention. Occasionally, some of the firefighters would hose down one of the neighbor's houses. Embers flew through the air. They couldn't let the fire spread. They couldn't let the whole neighborhood go up in flames. The fire didn't just crackle like in a fireplace, it roared. It roared like it was a monster. The fire was a monster. It was a monster that threatened everyone and everything.

"Rachel!" called out Malcolm. He pushed his way through the growing crowd. "I'm sorry but I thought you should know about this."

She nodded, not trusting her voice. She hated that house but never imagined or wanted this to happen.

"Thanks for calling," said Marc. "What happened?"

"I dunno." Malcolm continued, explaining what he knew. Rachel tried to listen, but she couldn't focus on much other than the fire and her throbbing head. The smoke and the intense brightness of the flames were getting to her. She stared as the flames also burned into her retinas, into her mind.

* * *

On the way home, Rachel and Marc were both quite, lost in their thoughts. They had stayed as long as they were allowed. Their eyes and throat were sore because of the smoke. Rachel couldn't believe her old house was gone.

Chelsea met them at the door. She hugged Rachel then her husband. "Soon after you left, someone official called here to let you know about the fire. Guess they learned from the neighbors about you. Do they know what happened?"

Rachel let out a shuddering sigh and shook her head. "No, but it's gone." She sighed again. "I'm really tired. I think I'll take a shower then go to bed."

"Okay, well, call me if you need any …thing." Chelsea's sentence trailed off as Rachel climbed the stairs. She turned to her husband. "What about Trigon?"

He also shook his head. "It doesn't look good, Chels. If he was in there … It was real bad, I don't think anyone could survive that."

Rachel shampooed her hair three times but she thought she could still smell the smoke. She wondered if she'd have to toss the clothes she wore. Was the lingering smell of smoke just her imagination? Or had the smoke become a part of her?

How did the firefighters do it? How were they not haunted by seeing something like that? Maybe they were effected, that's why they fought so hard to stop the fire. Whatever it was, becoming a firefighter must be a calling and Rachel was sure she could never do it. She was grateful they'd tried to save the house.

She felt foolish as her thoughts turned to her old room. While she hated the house, in general, she loved her room. Her eyes welled up as she thought of her artwork that she'd left hanging on the wall. Yeah, some of her artwork was dark and maybe depressing but she thought she'd done a good job.

Rachel tossed and turned all night. At first, she just laid there. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the flames. When she finally fell asleep, dreams, nightmares seeped into her mind like it was the smoke haunting her. It wasn't until three-thirty that she feel soundly asleep, but only for a few hours.

Still exhausted, but unable to get back to sleep, Rachel got up early, before Marc and Chelsea. She considered for a moment, making coffee for herself. That would help her stay wake up, wouldn't it? She quickly dismissed that idea. For one thing, she didn't know if she could make good coffee. Another thing that turned her away from making coffee was the negative association coffee had to a certain someone she hated.

Coming into the kitchen, Marc and Chelsea stopped, surprised to see her. Had she heard something? "Rachel?"

Understanding what they were asking, she shook her head. "No, haven't heard anything. I can't decide if no news is good news, or not."

"Did you finally get some sleep?" asked Chelsea. She noticed that Rachel's red-rimmed eyes. Was that because she was tired or had she been crying? Or were her eyes still irritated by the smoke like Marc's were? All three reasons could be true. "I heard you tossing and turning."

"Sorry," Rachel sighed, "another nightmare to live through."

"You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Did you want to talk about things?"

"If you don't mind, I don't think I'm ready to talk."

"Of course, we don't want to pressure you. Come to us whenever you need to talk, about anything." Rachel nodded. She didn't trust herself not to breakdown if she did speak. This family was so different from what she'd been used to.

They all fell silent as they prepared breakfast. The adults went through their normal morning routine, with one exception, they didn't turn on the news. If there was anything they needed to know, the authorities would contact them. If they had on the news, they'd just have a continuous loop of news stories about the fire. Marc and Chelsea didn't want to put Rachel through that.

The mood was still somber when Eli and Lottie came down to the kitchen. Everyone wondered about Trigon. They didn't like him but never wanted him to be hurt. Mostly, their thoughts were on Rachel. They wished she didn't have to go through another horrible thing. She'd been through more than enough.

Chelsea watched as Rachel absentmindedly picked at her breakfast. "Rachel? Did you want to stay home from school today? Maybe you could get some sleep. I'm sure those at the school would understand."

"Oh, um, thanks, but I think the distraction will be good for me." She gave her new family a sad smile, "Thanks for looking out for me."

Soon after breakfast, everyone went their own way. Rachel was relieved and grateful she had her license and her own car. She needed the drive to school to gather her thoughts.

However, as soon as she saw the school, she started having second thoughts. As she waited for the light to change, questions swirled in her brain. Would she be able to concentrate? By now, everyone would've heard about the fire. Would she get endless questions about it and her father? Rachel ran her hand through her hair. What should she do?

When the light changed, Rachel turned away from the school. They had to understand. She was certain her friends would understand why she wasn't at school. She only meant to drive around a little. She needed to clear her head. She should probably call her mother. Rachel didn't know if anyone else had done that. Chelsea probably called her but shouldn't Rachel talk to her mom anyway? Her mother hadn't lived in that house but …she should probably know about what might have happened to Rachel's father.

Absentmindedly turning down a street, Rachel surprised herself. She was headed towards her old house. Why was she going there? Hadn't she seen enough? Yes, but she continued. Parking her car and block away from Lyndhurst Drive, Rachel rolled her eyes. She decided she must have a morbid curiosity about this.

Cutting through former neighbors' yards, made Rachel think back to when she used to do this to get away from her father. She didn't love him like she thought she should. But that was mainly because he didn't love her the way a father should. Still, the dark-haired teen couldn't help but hope that her father was safe and alright.

A firetruck was still there, but why? Rachel vaguely remembered hearing someone say something about hotspots. They had to make sure the fire was completely out, that it wouldn't flare up again.

The smell of smoke still lingered in the morning air. It wasn't as intense as it was last night.

Rachel stood across the street from what was left of her house. There was not much more than the charred remains of the house. She stared in disbelief at the neighbors' houses. The ones directly next door were also damaged. Some of the siding on Malcolm's house was melted. What would have happened if it had been windy last night? Could the fire have spread? Could Malcolm and possibly others have lost their homes? She shuddered, grateful things weren't worse than they already were.

She stood there, not really noticing anything. She didn't even notice when it started to rain. She'd hated her father and that house but she hated this more. She was out of that house. Her father no longer had a hold on her. Why did this have to happen? The fire just pulled her back.

Rachel took in the remains of her old house. It was much like her old life, like her soul after that horrendous night. Everything seemed to be jagged and blackened. Somethings were gray with ash. She noticed there was very little left of the dining room.

Her stomach churned upon seeing that. That room was filled with hate. She knew it was impossible but it was almost as if her hatred for what happened in that room had finally burned through. Was this what she needed to finally get passed it?

A scream caught in Rachel's throat when a hand rested on her shoulder. She turned and saw Malcolm but for a brief moment she was back to that night, in the dining room. She not only burned with shame but the room burned around her.

Rachel turned away from Malcolm, doubled over before she lost her breakfast in the neighbor's front yard.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I called out to you but I guess you didn't hear me. Are you alright?"

Rachel nodded slowly. Her head throbbed again. How embarrassing, she had to get sick in front of him of all people.

"C'mon," Malcolm gently wrapped his arm around her, "let's go to my house. You can dry off and recover there." Rachel let him lead away. She knew he wouldn't hurt her in any way.

Once inside, she noticed that her clothes and hair were wet from the rain. That's when she finally heard it hitting the windows. She mentally scolded herself for being so out of it. She should know better than to be so vulnerable. "Uh, thanks. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it. I can't image what you must be feeling." Did he know what happened to her? Should she tell him? "Why don't I find you something warm and dry to change into and I'll toss your clothes into the dryer." Rachel simply nodded. She didn't know what to say. Even if she did, she couldn't get words to come out. A part of her was paralyzed by fear again.

As she changed in the sweatpants and sweatshirt Malcolm had given her, Rachel thought about him. At one time, he'd said he'd help her. That was when he found out about her cutting. He told her to talk to him, he'd help her any way he could. Rachel let out a shuddering breath. Would things have been different if she'd told him about the abuse? Would that have prevented that horrible night from happening? Rachel shook her head. She knew she couldn't play the what-if game. It would drive her crazy.

Malcolm got off the sofa when Rachel returned to the room. "Did you want anything? Tea? Toast? They might help settle your stomach and warm you up."

Rachel didn't really want anything. She just wanted this current nightmare to end. But she understood he was trying to help her. "Tea will be fine, thank you." Her voice sounded strange to her, kind of distant.

"Go ahead and sit. I'll throw your things in the dryer then make you some tea." Malcolm hurried out of the room as Rachel stood, looking around, unsure of herself. She was about to sit when she noticed the pictures on the mantle. She wandered over to the fireplace.

There were a ton of pictures there. She studied them. Rachel thought it was funny to see a younger Malcolm with light brown hair. One picture caught her eye. It had two little boys, the same light brown hair, the same blue eyes, same mischievous smile. It was Malcolm and his brother Rory. They were laughing about the frog in one of the boy's hands. They were so happy. They didn't have a care in the world.

Remembering what Malcolm told her about his brother's death, Rachel wiped the tears from her eyes. Malcolm and his family knew about death and they'd survived, didn't they? Rachel didn't know Malcolm that well but she knew he took his brother's death very hard. He said had a lot of guilt to work through, but he was doing better now, wasn't he?

Rachel wiped her eyes again. She guessed she knew about death too. She tried not to think about it to much, but she'd survived losing her baby. She wrapped her arms around herself. If her baby had survived, it would've been almost a year old. Rachel still didn't know if she would've kept him. Since she was still in high school, she figured she probably would've given him to a good family. Then again, it would've been nice to have her very own, very small happy family.

Malcolm came into the room with two steaming cups of tea. "How're you doing? You okay?"

Rachel nodded as she accepted the cup. It smelled good. For the first time since seeing the fire, she smelled something other than smoke.

Taking a sip of his tea, Malcolm noticed the pictures she'd been looking at. When he smiled, there was a hint of sadness in his eyes but it quickly disappeared. "That's my favorite." He nodded his head towards the pictures, indicating the one with his brother and the frog. "We'd spent all afternoon trying to catch frogs. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard"

"How old were you?"

"I think we were about eight."

Rachel noticed the pictures stopped with the boys in their early teens. With only one twin remaining, there didn't seem to be a need to take any more pictures. Self-consciously, she wiped away more tears. "Sorry."

Malcolm wasn't sure of she meant she was sorry for his brother's death or sorry for crying in front of him. Either reason didn't bother him but he doubted she wanted him to make a big deal about it so he just nodded. "Wanna sit down?"

As Malcolm sat comfortably on the sofa, Rachel sat stiff, guarded. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, she did. She just didn't trust herself not to fall apart.

Malcolm noticed Rachel sitting stiffly, barely drinking her tea. She just stared ahead. He felt bad for her and wondered what he could do to help. Her eyes had dark circles underneath them and they looked red, irritated. He wondered how much sleep she got last night. She must be dead on her feet. She was practically making herself sick with worry.

Rachel jumped when Malcolm started to take her team from her hand. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. I didn't want you to drop your tea. Did you wanna lie down and get some rest?"

"What do you mean?"

"You could lie down here. I don't mean to offend you, but you look like you could use it. Did you get any sleep last night?"

Rachel self-consciously ran a hand through her hair. Did she look that bad? "Only a few hours. Maybe I should just go home and stop bothering you."

"You're not bothering me."

"But don't you have classes?"

He shook his head. "Nope. Even if I did, I'd stay with you. You're more important than classes." Rachel looked at him. What did he mean by that? Why did he think she was so important? Was he interested in her? He was cute but she wasn't interested in an older guy as a boyfriend. She had her hands full trying to figure out whether she should date Gar.

Malcolm saw Rachel's confused expression and chuckled slightly. "It's not like that. I've just heard about what you've been through." Rachel looked away from him. Did that mean he knew about the rape? "With all that plus this with you dad and the fire, I can't leave you alone. Besides, I'm seeing some one."

"Right. Still, I should probably go …"

"Stay. Let me help you. It doesn't make you weak if you lean on someone for support." Malcolm held an arm out, inviting her to lean against him. "What d'ya say? Please stay. Like I said, though I hate to say it, you look like shit. Some rest should help."

She looked at him, trying to make her decision. She needed to rest but she didn't want to bother him. At the same time, she didn't want to be alone. "Are you sure?" Malcolm nodded. Rachel scooted over and leaned against her friend. Malcolm pulled a throw off the arm of the sofa and draped it over her.

Instinctively, Rachel snuggled into it. She started to relax when she remembered she forgot to do something. She sat up some. "My family, they don't know where I am. I should go."

"It's okay," he wrapped his arm around her, keeping her by his side, "I called them when I was making tea. They know where you are. They'll call if they get any news. Now relax, rest. You need it."

Rachel let out a long, deep sigh as she started to relax. Malcolm was probably right. If she could just rest a little bit, she'd feel better.

They were quiet for such a long time, Malcolm thought she fell asleep. So it startled him when she said, "Sorry about the side of your house."

"Don't worry about it. Insurance will take care of it. Now stop thinking and rest." He gently rubbed her arm. The gentle movement was soothing and made Rachel sleeping. "Do you want me to tell you a story?"

"What do you mean?" Her voice was thick with sleep. He thought if she could relax a little more, she'd get the sleep she needed.

"Let me tell you a story my parents used to tell me and Rory when we were little." He thought he felt Rachel's head against his chest nod slightly.

Rachel listened as Malcolm's soothing voice told of twin princes exploring new lands. They were in search of dragons. Only they weren't going to fight them. They were going to ride the dragons. When she closed her eyes, she didn't see fire like she had last night. Instead, she saw the tale Malcolm was telling. It didn't take long for sleep to overcome her.

As Rachel drifted off to sleep, the chief of the Jump City fire department knocked on the Madsen's front door.

* * *

Rachel tugged at the hem of her black cardigan. She realized how odd it was that she was uncomfortable wearing the color. For a time, most of her clothes were black or some other dark color. Her clothes had matched her mood back then, when she was getting abused. Now that she was a part of a loving family, the hue of her clothes had lightened, even brightened. She didn't need the dark colors to try to hide.

She knew this day was coming but that didn't stop her from dreading it. Her father's funeral. She hated him but she didn't want this.

The Madsens were going to the funeral because Rachel couldn't go by herself. But who else would be there? Ever since the news about the abuse and neglect circulated, he had been dropped as CEO. No business wanted him. Trigon was practically destitute. The only reason he could stay at the house was because it was paid for. Otherwise, he would've been in a run down apartment or on the streets. Quite the downfall for someone who sought power.

Would Laura be there? Could she be there? Wasn't she still in jail for her part of Rachel's neglect and abuse? If she could, would she be there? Trigon and Laura divorced when he discovered that she practically stocked his family and that she'd only married him to get back at him for the accident.

Rachel closed her eyes and took several deep breaths as Marc turned the car down the street to the funeral home. She needed to find courage. She didn't want to cry. She didn't think HE deserved her tears. She'd cried too much because of HIM.

Nobody in the car knew what to expect. Trigon was a hateful man. It was a shame no one would mourn him.

The parking lot was almost empty except for a few cars. If Rachel had been paying attention, she would've recognized the cars. Instead, she focused on her hands folded on her lap. When Eli gently nudged her arm, she looked up.

Rachel tried to swallow the lump forming in her throat. Her eyes started to sting. Her friends were here. Her four best friends came. Jason and Malcolm were there. Even Kitten had come. Why were they here? Rachel got out of the car and stared in disbelief.

"Rachel?" The teen turned around to see her mother and Raúl. They'd come? But her mother hated her father.

"Mom? Why …?"

"We're here for you, sweetie. I couldn't let you go through this alone and I guess your friends couldn't either." As mother and daughter hugged, Rachel choked out a thank you. Angela tucked some of Rachel's hair behind her ear. "Are you doing okay?"

Rachel wiped away her tears. "I'll be okay. Turns out I'm not alone."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading. Please review.**


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